Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Porn Star Karaoke

There’s a bar tucked away in a Burbank strip mall between a cleaners and donut shop that on Tuesday nights presents “Porn Star Karaoke”. My friend Kevin and I checked it out and needless to say it was a classy affair. Laminated signs listed the rules, one being “No oral sex in the bathrooms”.

I knew we were in for a great evening when I saw the “Porn Star Karaoke” banner on the stage next to a menorah.

The adult world’s elite showed up – twenty gum popping smoking bimbos in halter tops and hot pants, raccoon make up and (as Kevin said) enough silicone in their bodies to be legally considered a Mattel toy. They were accompanied by the usual assortment of buff porn kings who dyed their hair even though they're 25, and fat middle aged guys in pony tails and billowing Hawaiian shirts. They were probably the girls’ dads.

The stars started filing in around 10. Ron Jeremy was there at 6.

The D.J. set the elegant tone for the evening by saying to the first porn crooner “You’re not allowed to talk about how hot your pussy is”. She took it in good spirits and mimed choking on the microphone. It’s how I always pictured the Rainbow Room.

Musical ability is not why these girls are known as Golden Throats. Not one of them could sing a note. But they did find other ways to bring home their songs. One did Sir Mix-a-lot’s “Baby Got Back” and demonstrated by dropping her pants. If Diana Degarmo did that she’d be an American Idol today.

Two more made out with each other on stage (how else are you gonna fill that instrumental bridge?), while a porn king who looked like Eric Roberts in "Star 80" only sleazier walked right up to the stage with a digital camcorder and filmed extreme close ups of their breasts ("someday I hope to direct").

I was disappointed none of the stars sang Janis Joplin’s heartbreaking classic “Down on Me”.

The place was rocking and yet there was some guy at a table just reading a book. That must've been a helluva book.

They gave away prizes and I won one! It’s the first time in my entire life I’ve ever won anything. How fitting it should be a porn DVD -- the 2 disc collector’s set of ETERNITY starring Stormy Danials, Jessica Drake, and a horse. Plus, it comes with a director’s track. ("I began by shooting extreme close ups of breasts".)

Unfortunately, we had to leave before I could get up and do my medley from “Fiddler on the Roof”. But there’s always next week…and the following week…and the week after that.

4 comments:

Mr.Shemp said...

My own favorite karaoke story is much less entertaining than yours, Ken.

At a sleazy little bar in a shopping mall in Kalamazoo MI, my friend's mother used to drag us there for karaoke almost every weekend. This middle aged woman had no problems buying beers for myself and my other friends in our mid-teens, so we'd put up with an endless parade of sad menopausal women singing "D.I.V.O.R.C.E." because of our desire to explore the outer limits of blood alcohol levels. One week, my punked out 6'10" 300 pound best friend (who we playfully called The Bear) went with us and drank A Lot Of Beer. He then decided to sing Devo's "Whip It" in his best Glenn Danzig voice while whipping the microphone stand around and around his head and slam dancing into the walls. Occasionally, he'd gutterally scream into the mike, and then smash it into his head. This audience of later middle aged people watched him in utter horror and dismay, no doubt feeling that they'd accidentally blundered into a stage version of MAD MAX. When the last notes of the song had faded away, Bear composed himself, clipped the mike back into the stand, took a humble bow, and then meekly returned to his chair. It was the greatest karaoke performance in the history of mankind, and we were never taken to that bar again. The End.

Back to PSK - I sense a short subject could be made out of this, or at least an especially frightening segment on DATELINE NBC. "Tonight! You may think that Karaoke is a harmless activity, but Rock Hardcheese will show you why it just might turn your kids... into Porn Actors!"

Keep up the good work, Ken...

Wankus said...

Tonight's gonna be a blast!

Hope to see ya back in the mix!

Wankus
KSEXradio.com

Anonymous said...

Thanks for blowing Burbank's best-kept secret! (Just kidding.) I used to live a couple of blocks from that same shopping center, so I know the place well. It's a dive, but where else can you take in a night of off-key silicone-enhanced singing, and stop next door for for cat food on your way home?

bishop slim said...

Some porn stars do karaoke. Some of them startet their careers with it. For example Carmen Cocks did. Anyway, it's better then nothing.