My tele-PLAY

Aloha again. If you send me email I always try to respond. However, here in Hawaii I'm having a devil of a time reaching anyone on AOL. Doesn't the "A" stand for America? Anyway, I'll get to you. Promise.


After having gone to New York three times to get shows either on the air or renewed during the Upfronts process I thought “this is INSANITY and there’s a play in this”. So I wrote UPFRONTS AND PERSONAL. It follows one studio’s attempt to get two shows on a network’s fall schedule. I had a reading of the play last summer in LA with Jason Alexander, Wendie Malick, Ed Asner, Kurtwood Smith, Jennifer Tilly, Patrick Breen, and Matt Letscher and it went very well. I’m currently looking for backers (hint hint). Thought you might enjoy a preview and glimpse of what that process is really like.

The set up: A hotel suite a studio is using as its war room. Very early in the play. Donald is the studio president (Ed Asner), Andy his officious veep (Patrick Breen). Matthew has just arrived (Matt Letscher). He’s the young wide-eyed neophyte writer. Later Gary and Beth will enter. (Jason Alexander & Wendie Malick). They’ve been through the wars.



MATTHEW
Hey, let me ask you -- why do they call this process the "Up Fronts"?

DONALD
The networks announce their new Fall schedules then the advertisers buy commercial time "up front". Spending billions on nothing more that blind faith. It's like if you put an Off-track betting window in a mental institution.

MATTHEW
Well, I appreciate your letting me do this.

DONALD
Hey, you made a helluva pilot. You should be here to defend it. Take a fruit basket. Take four of 'em.

MATTHEW
Thanks.
(crossing to the window)
So...let's check out the view.
(he sees it, disappointed)
Oh.

ANDY
We usually have a higher suite but apparently Queen Latifa is in town and she has dogs, and the dogs need to see the sky for some reason we haven't been told so...well, here we are.

DONALD
Feel free to take a dump on the carpet. Fuck 'em.

MATTHEW
Well, there's always the Empire State Building.

ANDY
First time in New York?

MATTHEW
Are you kidding? Never been out of So-Cal. This is totally unreal. Three years ago I'm working at Kinkos writing scripts at night. And now here I am with my own TV show.

(DONALD takes a big gulp of HIS drink. There's a KNOCK at the door. As ANDY crosses to answer:)

ANDY
Come on. It's refreshing. You know what happens to writers after a couple of years.

(ANDY opens the door. GARY NOGLE and BETH HELLER enter. Both are in their 40's. GARY is wiry, always a little revved. BETH is taller than GARY, attractive, bright, and seemingly very much in command. GARY is schlepping a large heavy garment bag.)

GARY
I mean it, Beth. I can't do this anymore. I walked by that idiot in front of the hotel, y'know, the one wearing the big Beefeaters costume and I thought to myself: "Oh my God, I envy that man. I wish I had his job." A Beefeater, Beth! With the hat, and the stick, and the little tights, and...that's when you know it's time to get out.

BETH
So why did you come?

GARY
Why do you think? I had to. If we're going to get our damn show renewed they've got to see I'm committed to the fucking thing one hundred percent.

DONALD
That's what you want -- Talented and trapped.