Friday, December 15, 2006

The Levine blog gift suggestions

Here are a couple of fabulous Christmas gift ideas.

Tired of having to buy those $.49 rolls of toilet paper? Now for only $800 you can get a new state-of-the-art computerized toilet seat. With the push of a button on your handy remote, your caboose will get washed and dried while you remain seated in luxury on your heated toilet seat.

I’m not kidding.

It’s perfect for really lazy people or Captain Hook.

Developed in Japan (where else?), presenting the SWASH 800. And here’s my favorite feature: re the spray that shoots up to clean you, there’s a single “For Him” button that says “back” and “For Her” there are two buttons, one for “back” and the other for “front”. The dryer feature works for all.

Soon there will be a model for writers with a button labeled “agent”. Push that and smoke will come up your ass.

And for all you LOST IN SPACE fans, you can now purchase your own full size robot. The third season version (which we ALL know was the best!).

Here are some of the features it comes with:

Acrylic bubble based on the existing original.
- Laser cut steel brain with polished stainless steel top cover and crown.
- CNC machined light rod ends brain cup and neck bracket.
- Accurate acrylic collar & vents, hand formed based on the original jigs used.
- Torso based on the original stone molds.
- Welded steel torso hooks.
- Laser cut aluminum bezel with engraved acrylic chest buttons.
- Machined & clear anodized aluminum microphone with stainless steel screen.
- Actual Dialight sockets and Lens (not reproductions!)
- Hundreds of individual parts fabricated from Fiberglass, acrylic, aluminum, steel, etc.
- All metal tread sections, knee plates and hinges.
- Real rubber tread belts, knee bellows, leg bellows, arms & neck bellows.
- 32 machined aluminum wheels with v-groove.

And wait! There's MORE! Dick Tufeld, the original voice of the robot has recorded 500 tracks.

Again, this is not a joke. This item is really for sale. Here's the link.

And for how much you ask? A pittance! A mere $24,500. That’s right. Just $24,500. Why, it’s like they’re GIVING THEM AWAY.

The only thing is, check the small print. No single guy who purchases one of these authentic LOST IN SPACE full sized robots will ever get laid again.

“Danger, Norbert Schleppleman!”

14 comments:

wkmaier said...

Quick, give me the Robot link before the wife wakes up!

Anonymous said...

If I get the robot, I can stick with my regular old fashioned toilet. Hell, I've already got a water pick and a blow dryer.

BTW. 30 Rock had a really funny bit tonight about a black version of Frasier.

Will Teullive said...

Last year I got my wife something similar; a life size Keanu Reeves robot, it’s just like the real thing but with acting ability.

Herb Popsfarter said...

Thank GOD, if the aluminum wheels didn't have the v-groove I'd be outs-burgh!

BTW tell Norbert Schleppleman there's at least 103 Women out there who dream of being ravaged by Dick Tufeld! It may give him hope.

gary said...

Perhaps even more startling is a club for Norbert Schleppleman and the other nerds who build these robots...

http://www.b9robotbuildersclub.com/pub/gallery/memberphotos.html

Tom Quigley said...

Hey, Ken,

I just did a Google search for "Robbie the Robot nude" and it took me to your site...

mcp said...

Put Robbie the Robot on the list of things you can't buy (at least without a corresponding gift for your spouse) when you get married such as:

Ferrari or any other exotic sports car.

HDTV bigger than 65 inches.

Stripper Pole

Beer Keg Refridgerator (especially in the living room)

Toliet

Paul Duca said...

Third season version...you mean they restyled the robot every year like an Impala?

Anonymous said...

"torso based on the original stone molds"?

It's like one could add anything to that list and it would make sense amongst all those specifics. "Accurate backside surface-depressions plus scratched-in profanities, as originally rendered by the cast in an actual oxygen-deprived atmosphere"

Why do they keep trying to remake Robbie the Robot? Who owns this patent? Is Disney keeping tabs on this?

Ben said...

This is a classic missed opportunity for synergy...like many people, I've been looking for a 60's-era sci-fi robot that will wash and dry my ass for me.

Geoff said...

Dick Tufeld, the original voice of the robot has recorded 500 tracks.

So how else is some old announcer frmo the 60s supposed to make a living?

scriptboiler said...

Ken, you are truly the funniest! What a delight to read your daily blog. A bolt of sunshine (and I'm not even looking for a job -- I mean, not at this very second).

Phoenix said...

Ach, I felt the same way about washlets before I came to Japan. Now, they are among the things I will miss when I return to America.

I've never ever seen one with a dryer function, though; you still have to dry yourself with toilet paper.

I =have= seen ones with built-in fake flushing sounds, but I couldn't imagine what that's for.

Kurt Jagielshi said...

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas nice post and thanks for sharing...