From THE MENTALIST
EXT. HOME – DAY
Nicely appointed, framed in large proud lemon trees.
Patrick Jane and Teresa Lisbon pull into the driveway, get out of the car, and approach the house.
SUPER: OAKLAWN HILLS, CA.
Lisbon knocks on the door. A woman in her 30’s in a waitresses uniform, CAROL, answers:
LISBON: Yes, I’m Captain Lisbon, this is Patrick Jane.
LISBON: (a beat then) You’re supposed to tell us your name.
LISBON: I don’t know. People just do.
CAROL: Just because you said your names?
CAROL: I don’t know you. Why should I tell you anything?
LISBON: Because we’re from CBI.
CAROL: What’s CBI?
LISBON: The California Bureau of Investigation.
CAROL: What the hell is that? I’ve never heard of it.
LISBON: Of course you have. Everyone has.
CAROL: Not me. I bet if I called ten friends none of them would have heard of it either.
LISBON: Well, pretend that you have. We need to ask you some questions.
CAROL: What do you do that the police don’t do? Why aren’t the police here?
LISBON: We have jurisdiction.
CAROL: Based on what?
LISBON: Jane, are you gonna help?
JANE: Could I have some tea and snoop around in your house?
JANE: Everyone else lets me in.
CAROL: Everyone else tells you their name.
LISBON: What is your name?
CAROL: Why do you call him Jane?
LISBON: That’s his name.
CAROL: He’s a girl?
LISBON: No. We call everybody by their last names.
CAROL: Why? It’s confusing.
LISBON: It’s policy at CBI.
CAROL: What’s CBI again?
LISBON: California Bureau of Investigation.
CAROL: How’s that different from the State Troopers?
JANE: They wear uniforms.
CAROL: Don’t people make fun of you because everyone calls you by a girl's name?
JANE: You’re the first person who’s ever noticed that.
LISBON: Can we get back to the investigation?
CAROL: So who has more jurisdiction? State Troopers or you?
LISBON: Shut up, Jane!
JANE: She’s right. Call me Patrick,
LISBON: Shut up, Patrick!
JANE: Can I call you Teresa?
LISBON: Fine. I don’t care.
JANE: Can I call you Terry?
LISBON: A man is dead and you want to talk about this now?
JANE: What did they call you in kindergarten?
JANE: That explains a lot.
LISBON: What does it explain?
JANE: Oh, I just say that and never follow up. That way I come off smart and never have to do anything. Hey, that is smart!
CAROL: What about the California Highway Patrol?
LISBON: You’re not helping!
CAROL: I don’t have to help. You’re questioning me.
JANE: You sure I can’t come in and just go through your drawers?
CAROL: What’s NCIS?
LISBON: Naval Criminal Investigation Service.
CAROL: Are they real?
LISBON: (losing it) Nothing’s real!!
JANE: Well, CSI.
LISBON: CSI is bullshit!
JANE: No, they really exist.
LISBON: Oh yeah. And every CSI department has twelve-billion dollars in space age lab equipment right there at their disposal. Why send out for results when they have a contraption that looks like the Hubble telescope that’s only function is to cross-match snow tires? In Miami! Oh, Horatio, we better requisition a second one at four billion dollars just in case the first one breaks down. And talk about a stupid name – Horatio? First name, last name, makes no difference. Unless you’re wearing a fucking cape and reciting Shakespeare out your ass that’s the name of a pussy!
JANE: Lisbon, you’re getting a little hysterical.
LISBON: I don’t care. I have a thankless role anyway. I just have to stand around and make one dumb assumption after another while every Goddamn week you figure out the case. I won a Volpi Cup for Chrissakes!
CAROL: Is that real?
LISBON: Yes, Goddamn it! For Best Actress in the 1997 Venice Film Festival for a film called. NIAGRA NIAGRA.
CAROL: Sorry. It didn’t play in this town.
LISBON: Of course it didn’t! This fucking town doesn’t exist! There is no such place and Oaklawn Hills, California! Or Cedarplank Beach, or Hernia Falls or any of the other bogus towns we patrol so diligently! And that’s why CBI has jurisdiction. Because if it’s not us then it’s the Golden State Sheriff Patrol – or the Cal-I-A, or Califorensication.
Jane gently begins leading her back to the car.
JANE: Okay, Lisbon, let’s go.
LISBON: T.W.A.T -- "Torpedo Weapons and Tactics".
JANE: Easy does it.
LISBON: Oaklawn Hills. It even sounds made up.
JANE: I’ll get you a nice cup of tea.
LISBON: Bitch wouldn’t even tell me her name.
JANE: It’s Carol.
LISBON: And just how the fuck do you know that?
JANE: She was wearing a name tag.
LISBON: And again I look like an idiot.
JANE: I'll drive back to headquarters.
JANE: Where is headquarters?
LISBON: That's never been established.
JANE: Then I'm sure we'll be there in ten minutes.