Sunday, November 27, 2011

This is why you need to follow me on TWITTER

Thank God for Twitter! Without that invaluable service I could never share with friends the really important moment-to-moment details of my life. In case you’re not following me I’ve reassembled the Tweets you most recently missed.

Having a colonoscopy tomorrow.

Going out for magazines.

Is it just me or does Susan Boyle look like John Madden?

Okay. Starting to take the stuff.

Ugggghhh! It tastes terrible. Mood: Irritable.

Thinking of a Stay-cation this year. Any suggestions where I could stay?

It’s been a half hour. When is this stuff supposed to work?

45 minutes. Still nothing.

53 minutes and counting.

An hour. What’s the deal???

Just filled out my All-Star ballot.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kill me NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. I can breathe. Whew.

YEOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s working.

8rXX3 thinks Susan Boyle looks like… wait a minute….

HOLY FRIGGIN’ SHIT!!!!!!!

How long is this supposed to last?

Oh Christ! I forgot. Today’s the day we scheduled an OPEN HOUSE here.

Dennis Franz. That’s who 8rXX3 thinks Susan Boyle looks like.

No, you can’t see the bathroom! It’s currently occupied!

I would trade my Emmy right now for a Tums.

Wow, there are a lot of ads in VANITY FAIR.

Bowel mood: very irritable.

Hey my legs have gone to sleep. Has that ever happened to you?

There are eight people walking through my house. I almost knocked one down during the last urge.

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I’m in hell.

Moving on to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY and MERCENARY LIFE.

Thanks you guys. Hearing your colonoscopy stories have really helped. LOL.

It’s been three hours.

And two rolls.

No offers on the house yet.

How stupid am I part two? Choosing to do this on the day of the TOP CHEF marathon?

Okay. I think the worst is over.

Wrong!!!!

Seriously. Someone. Kill me.

Oh great. My real estate agent just dumped me. For some reason she feels my house doesn’t “show well”.

I’m whipped. Better get some sleep. But here’s the good news: I convinced the doctor to just give me a local. So I’m bringing my laptop and you can expect tweets during the procedure. Please check back every five minutes.

Note:  The preceding was a complete fabrication.  I'm not really selling my house or (to my knowledge) having a colonoscopy.   But this is the kind of Tweets you all too often read... before unfollowing the person. 

12 comments:

Joyce said...

And here I was wondering where I was when all these tweets went by!

Breadbaker said...

The pre-colonoscopy tweets are pretty accurate, I'm afraid I can say from experience. Only there's no way you're tweeting when it's happening.

Anonymous said...

That was so bad I'm thinking about unfollowing the blog.

ukystan said...

Off topic. Just wondering about the "My Three Sons" posts recently saying that Fred MacMurray would film most his season's scenes at one time and the episodes were shot around him. Were all the season's episodes written that far in advance to accomodate him? That doesn't seem possible. Does anyone know how they pulled this off?

Lisa Clarkson said...

This is the kind of blog post you all too often read... before unfollowing the blog.

Kirk said...

I remember the first time you ran this, Ken. You didn't say (or warn) it was a joke, and people in the comment section began relating their colonoscopy experiences. You had to nip it in the bud by entering the comment section yourself and explain that it was all satire. Actually, that kind of made the whole thing more amusing.

RV retro: Today's post!

Colleen Kelly Mellor said...

So, then, following your admission--are we to construe your blog entry today is in the same genre as Orson Welles's "War of the Worlds" but this time bowels collide (instead of worlds!)

So Tweet--but not, and follow you in Twitter, but not really?

Eric J said...

It was hilarious and the reason why I follow your blog and don't follow twitter.

Mike Barer said...

Tweet that caught my attention a couple of weeks ago was the Mom of Michael Oher, the subject of "The Blindside" did not know that the Seattle Seahawks did not play in a domed stadium and did not bring the proper clothes to watch football outdoors. This was when the Ravens were in town to visit the Seahawks.

Anonymous said...

Wow! Had me fooled. Sounded quit a bit like Dear Hubby when he had his last one.

Pam aka sisterzip

DwWashburn said...

Funny as hell!! I don't laugh out loud very often at things I read but I was almost on the floor. And, yes, twitter has got to be the more inane thing that computer geeks ever created.

Ron Kaplan said...

Great. I was supposed to schedule a colonoscopy, but having read this, I think I'll pass.