Thursday, January 24, 2013

Wanted: Comedy writers for Siri

Apparently this is real. According to an article in MacRumors, Apple is looking for people to write comedic answers for Siri. Siri is the personal assistant feature that talks back to you in newer iPhones. At first she was friendly and humble, but Apple is now looking to give her a little edge.

You know what this means, don’t you? It means that now even Dane Cook’s phone will be funnier than he is.

It also means a job for someone or a group of people.

What they need is witty responses to user questions. I’m sure the first funny response they’ll have to settle on is an answer to what I’m sure is her most asked question:

“Siri, will you fuck me?

If you ask that now she says, “There is no need for profanity.” Still funnier than Dane Cook but pithier lines are out there.

If you ask her: “Should I get a Droid?” she currently says, “I can’t answer that.” A good comedy writer could beat that joke.

Ask her, “Do you like oral sex?” she will say: “I don’t know what oral sex is. Would you like a web search for it?” So Siri’s going to need a little tutoring too.

I wonder if the writers they hire will get notes? Will one have a joke red lined with the note: “Siri wouldn’t say that?” Or “Disembodied voices have been doing that joke for years?”

Might this open up a whole new marketplace for comedy writers? Punching up GPS systems. Jokes for automated phone operators.

If anyone applies for this job, please let me know what the process is.  It's probably worth taking the gig just for the Apple employee discount alone.


Carol said...

For whatever it's worth, she already says 'African or European swallow' in answer to a particular question.

YibbleGuy said...

"Siri, will you ...?"

"Not unless it fits in a USB port, sir."

Mac said...

These talking gravestones you get now are funnier than Dane Cook.

John said...

I believe if you ask Siri the question "Who is funnier than Dane Cook?" you send the app into a Mobius Loop.

Tanza said...


"Siri, will you fuck me?"

"Yes I will. Please set me to 'vibrate' and provide adequate waterproof protection before inserting me into the orifice of your choice"

"Then what?"

"Call me"


Johnny Walker said...

Apparently if you asked Siri "what's the best smart phone ever?" she initially responded "the Lokia Lumia 900".

When Apple discovered this, they changed her response to:

"All the best Virtual Assistants prefer the iPhone"

(Ow. My sides!)

Johnny Walker said...

I don't envy whoever gets this job. It's like giving lines to the worst comedic actor in the world.

Despite Apple's attempts at making jokes (like the one above), Siri has never made me laugh.

LouOCNY said...

I don't know about Siri, being an Android user. but a perfect comedian for a GPS would be Rickles:

"Hey Dummy - you got a left coming up in a mile"

"You didn't make that turn! Now I gotta recalculate dummy!"

"You made it to McDonald's, now you can stuff your face fatty"

Johnny Walker said...

I always thought it would be funny to show a "human real" GPS...

"Ok, you need to turn left here -- NO! NOT HERE! There! Where that silver car is going!"

"Hmm. This doesn't look right."

"Stop and ask this guy for directions."

Dana Gabbard said...

All questions can be answered "Insufficent bandwith"

Charles H. Bryan said...

Actually, only one comeback line is necessary. It's the same line that supposedly can be substituted for any New Yorker cartoon caption: "God, you're an asshole."

Mark said...

I think you meant "disembodied", not "disenfranchised". Can't be much more franchised than Apple.

Eric J said...

I never went to Jack in the Box because I had to talk to that stupid clown (which got blown up, BTW). I'll talk to a human using my phone, but I'll be damned if I talk TO or WITH my phone.

Bob Summers said...

Siri, will you fuck me?

Sure. Just ask me to search for some information and you'll be fucked."

iain said...

Sounds like a perfect fit for Gilbert Gottfried.

craig m said...

Stanley Kubrick's greatest regret was that he didn't get his first choice, Morey Amersterdam, for the voice of HAL.

Wayne said...

Apple hiring comedy writers? What's the matter, 10 year olds in China unavailable?

Wayne said...

Before if you wanted to write for robotic female drone for low wages, there was only Joan Rivers.

Steph said...

Great. A shitty open mic for my phone.

Breadbaker said...

When I asked Siri "What is the answer to life, the universe and everything?" the response was "no match found." So apparently she's a Monty Python fan but not a Douglas Adams fan?