The new brand of sitcoms these days are single-camera shows about Millennial singles … existing. And along the way humor supposedly happens. Most of these shows are on streaming services or cable channels and have small niche audiences. A few have their moments or funny cast members. But for the most part they seem almost interchangeable – the hard-R subject matter, casual sex, very thin storylines, detached characters reacting to situations that strain credulity. So I figured, what the hell, why not put them together and write my own zeitgeist-chasing pilot? As you know, no writer in television is more cutting edge than me. So here is the beginning of my new pilot, iRonic.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY – MORNING
Quick shots of the city. MUSIC OVER: “F----ing You Tonight” by Notorious B.I.G. or “It Must Be Him” by Vikki Carr.
INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM – MORNING
CLOSE ON CHLOE: She’s cute but “Jewish cute” meaning she’s not attractive enough to star in anything herself but she provides comic relief so she’s network approved. Chloe is in bed. She wakes up, turns to see she’s in bed with an Isis terrorist. She grabs her phone and places a call.
INT. ANOTHER NEW YORK APARTMENT BEDROOM –SAME
CLOSE ON BRI: Not as funny but prettier and Gentile so it’s okay. She too is in bed. She answers her iPhone.
BRI: Hey, what’s up?
CHLOE: I think I fucked a guy from Isis.
BRI: You slut!
CHLOE: I got so totally shit-faced last night.
BRI: Well, obviously.
CHLOE: Wanna get brunch?
BRI: Yeah, but then I want to just, y’know, walk around and buy vintage stuff and talk about yeast infections.
CHLOE: Okay. Who did you fuck last night?
BRI: Let me see. Oh shit.
CAMERA WIDENS. Bri is in bed with a goat.
The goat brays.
BRI: Okay, like, you didn’t seriously just bray right now?
EXT. NEW YORK STREET – DAY
RAJ and J.C. are walking down the street. RAJ is of “immigrant descent. “J.C. is a big bearded slacker type.
RAJ: Wow. They had a hard life and I have an easy life and that never occurred to me until just this moment.
J.C.: I know! Hey, you know what I can’t wrap my head around? So like people get up in the morning and they go to these jobs, and they don’t really like ‘em, but they do them, right? And then at the end of the month they get paid for doing them and they use that money to pay for rent and food and to buy things, and it’s like – that’s what people do, y’know?
RAJ: That's one of those "there is no answer/ only questions" question. Hey, do you ever want to have kids?
INT. TRENDY RESTAURANT – DAY
Chloe and Bri drinking mimosas.
BRI: The service is so slow. Those people over there already got their French toast and they came in after us.
CHLOE: I should’ve gotten the French toast.
BRI: What did you order?
CHLOE: An omelet.
BRI: So did I.
CHLOE: Why did we do that?
BRI: I don't know.
BRI: You know what’s really fun? Eating breakfast at dinner.
CHLOE: Okay, like you didn’t just say that to me right now because that’s what I was going to say to you.
BRI: No way, bitch.
CHLOE: Like seriously.
BRI: My ex wants to get back together.
CHLOE: When is our food coming?
BRI: I know. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.
CHLOE: Or a goat.
BRI: I never went down on it. Don't get all judge-y.
CHLOE: What's the point of being a restaurant if they don't serve food?
BRI: I know. It’s like you go to these places and they take your order and then you like wait and wait and wait.
A waiter arrives with their food.
WAITER: Sorry it took so long. The chef wanted to make sure your omelets were cooked to perfection.
BRI: (sing song) Awk-ward.
CHLOE: That still doesn’t explain why we never got rolls!
The waiter moves off.
CHLOE: Bitch! So what was wrong with your ex? I know you told me ten times already but I forgot. Oh shit. My finger is stuck in this Ketchup bottle.
BRI: He’s like this on-the-nose, Central Casting cliché nerd complete with glasses and collared shirts and has this job you'd expect where he never speaks up for himself and who moved into the on-the-nose Oakwood Garden Apartments where everyone is on-the-nose alone and lonely and the walls of course are paper thin.
CHLOE: Oh. Yeah.
BRI: And he’s so lame. He just wants to make me happy and do things for me, and who needs that pressure? I think the busboy is someone I once fucked. Hey, the cheese isn't melted. This omelet's not perfect.
CHLOE: So what are you going to do? I may need to go to the ER.
BRI: I can't send it back. It'll take forever.
CHLOE: No, bitch. What are you gonna do about your ex? I think my circulation is cut off.
BRI: I’m not going to see him.
CHLOE: Then problem solved.
BRI: (realizing) Right.
CHLOE: Hey, let’s go to somebody to get our taxes done!
Okay, that’s a start. Whattaya think? Worth continuing?