The Emmy Awards are tonight! Unfortunately, I will not be reviewing them this year. I am in New York and will be flying home during the ceremony. I'm sure there are some of you who are thrilled I'm not reviewing the Emmys. Sam Rubin for one.
But since "Emmys" are in the air, I
thought I'd take advantage of that to tell you what it's like to
actually win one. And it puts winning in perspective.
You're in the audience suffering through the show. Finally it's your
category. You wake up. The envelope is ripped open, your name is
read, you can’t believe it, and you race up to the stage. You stand at
What’s going through your mind at a monumental moment like this? For
me, honestly, I thought of all the assholes I went through basic
training with in the army who thought I was such a fuck up. I was
hoping they were watching and having heart attacks from shock. I was
also aware that everyone in the audience was glaring at me. I saw the
red light of the camera, knew that yes, this was my one big moment on
national television. But I also knew that if I didn’t get the hell off
quick – I mean REAL quick -- millions of people I didn’t know were
going to hate my guts.
So I rushed through my prepared speech, thanked my wife, son, and I think Drill Sgt. Miller then was led off.
And we found ourselves outside. In the alley. Next to the garbage dump,
surrounded by buzzing flies. In our tuxedos, holding our shiny new
Emmys. What the fuck?! We banged on the door to get back in. Nothing. We
walked along the side of the building, trying other doors. All closed.
I thought of maybe using the Emmy to jimmy one of the locks. No dice.
It took us fifteen minutes to finally get back into the hall.
Which more than matched the fifteen minutes of fame.
Good luck to all of the nominees tonight. I'll save up my snark for next year.