This is one of those dreams where I woke up and scrambled for a pen and paper. I had to write it down immediately so I wouldn’t forget. Okay, dream analyzers, have fun with this one.
I go to my agent’s office. Except it’s not my actual agent. It’s some new guy. Young. Very nice. Ken Jeong in a tailored shirt and tie. Always Tweeting on his cellphone.
I’m there because he had dug up a spec pilot I had written years ago and wanted to go out with it. The pilot had something to do with hockey. I’m not sure of the details because I’ve never written a pilot about hockey. Nor really understand hockey. So why I’d choose that as the subject matter since I’m a big proponent of “write what you know” I have no idea. I have no idea why I wrote a spec pilot in the first place. But all of that is beside the point.
The agent places a call to some low level executive in a production company. I can overhear both ends of the conversation. As best as I recall, it went like this:
AGENT: I’ve got a great spec pilot to send you.
AGENT: It’s by Ken Levine.
EXEC: He’s a hack.
AGENT: He wrote CHEERS.
EXEC: CHEERS is shit.
AGENT: CHEERS is a classic.
EXEC: Okay. Fine. What’s it about?
EXEC: Ken Levine can’t write that.
AGENT: Why not?
EXEC: He’s gay.
AGENT: What? Ken Levine is not gay.
EXEC: He’s gay.
AGENT: And you know this how?
EXEC: It’s all over social media. A gay guy can’t write hockey.
AGENT: He’s not gay, but even if he were, that’s ridiculous. Why can’t a gay guy write hockey?
EXEC: Hockey is not gay.
AGENT: He wrote MASH.
EXEC: MASH is gay.
AGENT: What? How is MASH gay?
EXEC: Hidden messages. Oh, and it starred a guy in a fucking dress.
I’m overhearing all of this and by now am hysterical. But the agent is getting mad.
AGENT: I’m gay.
EXEC: I love gays. But not for this.
AGENT: That’s discrimination.
AGENT: To play who, the goalie?
EXEC: Not to act. To direct.
AGENT: Julia Roberts directs now?
EXEC: I hear she wants to start. She’d be perfect for this.
AGENT: Julia Roberts directing a pilot about hockey?
EXEC: Get Julia Roberts and send over the script.
That’s when the dream ended, which is too bad because my writing partner knows Julia Roberts and I think I’d have a shot.