Sunday, December 11, 2016

Black & Blue Christmas

It’s Christmas time in Hollywood and you know what that means – plastic surgery season!

Yes, it’s the time of year when stars or anyone over 28 can sneak off for a couple of weeks and get that face lift, tummy tuck, botox treatment, and boob job they’ve needed since October. Instead of Aspen or joining me in Hawaii they can spend the holidays locked away looking like raccoons or Mickey Rourke after a fight.

They need to be ready because in January the awards season begins!! A standard rule of thumb: an actress’ skin must be pulled tighter than the red carpet. What they don’t understand is that viewers don’t say, “Wow, she looks amazing!”, they say, “Wow, she looks like Barry Manilow.”

Lip enhancements are still the rage (as anyone who watches REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS knows). Here’s Meg Ryan. AMERICAN PSYCHO producer Clifford Streit said it looked like she installed a vagina on her face. Later, they actually did that operation on an episode NIP/TUCK. Meg would be so thrilled to know she's a trend setter.

There is a high rise hotel adjacent to Beverly Hills that reserves two floors exclusively for celebrities hiding out while recovering from their transformation to the Joker. Can you imagine how many poor room service guys are traumatized for life? “Here’s your club sandwich Ms Cox…AAAAA!!!”

It’s not just women of course who go in for these procedures. Here’s Burt Reynolds turning Japanese I really think so. And have you noticed that every local news anchor is starting to look like Warren Beatty, including the women?

One celebrity who doesn’t buy into this nonsense is MODERN FAMILY'S Julie Bowen (pictured right). And despite being somewhat flat-chested, she’s found you don’t need a boob job to be provocative while at an awards ceremony.

But the astounding thing is that it’s not just stars who flock to the knife and suction hoses. In L.A. a large number of elective surgery patients are…are you ready?…real estate agents.

That’s right. You’ve got to look young and glamorous if you possibly hope to move that tear-down in Mar Vista. Why is the housing market in Los Angeles so screwed up? Because there are now 5,000 Liza Minnellis running around with real estate licenses! No wonder everyone makes fun of us!

In the rest of the world Santa asks “What would you like for Christmas?” But here in the land of perpetual beauty, endless award shows, and a tight housing market Santa asks, “What don’t you like about yourself?”

20 comments :

B.A. said...

I remember Craig Ferguson's running gag about Kenny Rogers's face job. On TV everyone looks so tight and shiny maybe it's all plastic surgery or CGI.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant post Ken. Loved it.

Forget the Russians, Hollywood plastic surgeons are the real hackers around here. As noted by Renee Zellweger's operation, which was a real eye opener.

Bevan U.

Dad Solo said...

Pretty sure Julie Bowen - who is perhaps my biggest TV crush - has had a nose job.

Blondi Blathers said...

It would be understandable if the surgery actually improved a person's looks, but in a lot of cases it sure doesn't. It's sad that so many are so afraid to look their age, and that they can't get work when they don't. -Kate

Donald Benson said...

Here in the Bay Area real estate agents put great stock in their faces, usually having one glamour shot to grace ads, business cards, notepads and refrigerator magnets like a logo. A while back there was one older guy who'd periodically canvass my neighborhood for sellers, always polite and always offering the free notepad. He was presentable enough in person, hair thinning slightly. The photo on the notepad was graced with Trump hair.

Brian said...


Jackie Collins couldn't have written a better post on Hollywood's fetish for brand new "everything".

Brand new lips indeed !!!

Charles H. Bryan said...

I'very never understood it, especially when so many procedures make the person look like they must have been in a horrible accident and this was the best that the surgeons could do. Nobody's fooled, and, in some cases, people are actually repulsed. I couldn't stand to look at Joan Rivers after a certain point.

Hank Gillette said...

I don’t think Renee Zellweger’s surgery looks bad. She just looks like a different person. It’s certainly not cringe-inspiring like Meg Ryan’s lips. Does Ryan really think her lips look better?

Allan V said...

Dad Solo, I noticed that Julie Bowen (who is 46) also shows an odd lack of crows feet and forehead wrinkles, too. I saw a pic of her from just last year, and she looks very good --- almost too good.

Christpher Kross said...

Jeebus Christ, this blog entry is exactly why I could never even consider wanting to live, let alone make a career, in southern California...you people are pathologically shallow when it comes to personal appearance!

Sorry, Ken, as much as I love your writing, are you really part of the problem about this?

crackblind said...

So, were you responsible for this?
http://definition.org/mash-secrets-revealed/17/

Bob B. said...

My wife is convinced that Julie Bowen has had a boob job. There were at least two episodes of Modern Family where she showed maximum cleavage and my wife said that "they don't move". I'll take her word for it.

Ken Levine said...

Crackblind,

For that episode, yes, my partner and I were responsible for naming the Marines the Angels infield at the time.

Ben K. said...

In Hollywood, the difference between people saying you had plastic surgery and people saying you didn't have plastic surgery is how good your plastic surgeon was.

Barry Traylor said...

There is one thing of which I am sure and that is that Keith Richards has never had any plastic surgery done to his face.

Pat Reeder said...

It's not just in LA anymore. I loved this post and had to share it with my wife Laura Ainsworth, who once wrote and performed a one-woman musical show on the pressure to "Keep Young and Beautiful," filled with her parody songs about anti-aging creams, Botox, etc. It opened with a song about plastic surgery set to the "Addams Family" theme:

"It's runny and it's oozy,
It's purplish and bruisy,
You're throwing up and woozy,
It's plastic surgery!"

Check out YouTube for her version of Gilbert & Sullivan's "Modern Major General" song that's nothing but the names of dozens and dozens of anti-aging products and supplements.

VP81955 said...

Saw "La La Land" last night at the AMC Century City -- loved it. (Caught it in Dolby, which you really don't need to do to best experience this modern-day love letter to classic Hollywood.) Watch out; it will be this year's equivalent of "The Artist" during awards season (and already did so by winning best picture at the Critics' Choice Awards last night).

McTom said...

I love seeing boobies as much as the next red-blooded American fella (or possibly more...), but not sure showing Julie Bowen's wardrobe malfunction was exactly the height of class on your part, regardless of the amount of surgery she may or may not have had.

Orwell said...

Related to this discussion about plastic surgery: Dolly Parton is holding a telethon fundraiser - Smoky Mountain Rise, it's called - tomorrow night for the people of Tennessee who lost their homes in last week's fire. She has already started sending families $1,000 a week to cover their expenses while they work through their troubles. Unfortunately, all the money in the world won't bring back the people who died. But, you have to hand it to Dolly for all of the tremendous aid she has provided over the years, including her Imagination Library program that provides free books to young children. Her program sends one book a month to children to boost literacy and the joy of reading.

Dolly has had plastic surgery, and doesn't deny it. She doesn't look natural at all, but somehow it goes with her public persona - big wigs, big knockers, small waste, lots of makeup. As she has said many times, "it takes a lot of money to look this cheap". No matter how big her hair or breasts are, her heart is even bigger. In this case, she's a classy lady with trashy looks.

Jennifer McFarland said...

Dolly is our trashy Tennessee treasure and we wouldn't trade her for a speckled pup and a pint of shine. On plastic surgery I have three words, Catherine zeta Jones. She was my girl crush and then the knife . . . I always thought it was a strange coincidence that she institutionalized herself for awhile after that and came back looking a bit less scary. Ugh, just use sunscreen and let nature take its course!