INT. WHITE HOUSE -- DAY
MUSIC: "Billy Don't Be a Hero" by Bo
Donaldson & the Heywoods. ESTABLISH
then FADE.
A Secret Service Agent, INGRAM, in dark
suit with earpiece and mic guards a
door. He presses a button on the
earpiece and speaks.
INGRAM
Twenty-two hundred hours and Mogul is secure in the Lincoln
Bedroom. Over.
Another Secret Service Agent, LUNDY, in
similar attire approaches.
LUNDY
Agent Ingram? (extending his hand) Ronald Lundy.
INGRAM
(shaking hands) Agent Lundy, good to meet you.
LUNDY
Thanks. I don't mind saying, I'm a little excited. This is
my first shift.
INGRAM
I know what you mean. I've been in the Secret Service for
seven years now and I still feel it's a privilege every day I
walk into the White House. You think of the extraordinary men
and women who strolled these hallowed halls and well... in a
very miniscule way I'm brushing with history.
LUNDY
Oh, it's more than miniscule. At some point either one of us
might shape the very course of it.
INGRAM
What do you mean?
LUNDY
Sacrificing our lives to save the president.
INGRAM
You would take a bullet to save his life?
LUNDY
Absolutely. Wouldn't you?
INGRAM
That blithering idiot? Not a chance.
LUNDY
What?
INGRAM
People on the Darwin List don't die that stupidly.
LUNDY
But... but that's the job.
INGRAM
Yeah, well, then they fire me. I'll get another job.
LUNDY
Still. Won't you be wracked with guilt the rest of your
life?
INGRAM
God no.
LUNDY
You could sleep at night knowing the president died on your
watch?
INGRAM
Not just me. I think most of America would get the best
night's rest they've had in years.
LUNDY
We took a sworn oath.
INGRAM
Yes, and at the time I was prepared to honor it. But that
was when the last guy held that office. You realize who's
behind that door now, right?
LUNDY
Ours is not to judge. The people elected him and our job is
to carry out protection.
INGRAM
Again, you know who's in there? And it's not a bullet that's
going to kill him. It's that nightly bucket of KFC fried
chicken -- Extra Crispy no less. Alexander Hamilton had his
Aaron Burr, this guy's got Colonel Sanders.
LUNDY
Well, I must say in all candor I'm very disappointed with
what I'm hearing.
INGRAM
Welcome to Washington.
LUNDY
Still, I made a promise to my country and myself. Plus, I'm
proud to say I was the honor graduate of my training class.
INGRAM
We all passed the same tests. What makes you special?
LUNDY
I cry when hearing "Billy Don't Be A Hero."
INGRAM
That is the ultimate test.
LUNDY
I'm told I'm only the third one... in the last forty years.
But Billy was right to volunteer. The platoon needed extra
men, and if Billy didn't go for help who would and
(sniffling) sorry, I'm getting choked up again.
INGRAM
That's okay.
LUNDY
I promised myself I wouldn't do that.
INGRAM
No worries.
LUNDY
And his ungrateful fiancee just throws away the telegram --
that bitch!
INGRAM
Take a deep breath.
LUNDY
Am I allowed to say bitch in the White House?
INGRAM
Members of the First Family have been called much worse. By
the president himself.
LUNDY
Thanks. I think I'm okay now.
INGRAM
Anyway, you know the drill. Every half hour you call the
command center, and every hour you call Taco Bell.
LUNDY
Right.
INGRAM
And don't screw up the order. That's really why the Defense
Secretary was fired.
LUNDY
You're very bitter.
INGRAM
I'm protecting a man who only eats with his hands! And that
includes soup!
LUNDY
Would you at least take a punch for him?
INGRAM
A punch? Who's going to punch him? A terrorist cell hires
Rocky Balboa?
LUNDY
I hear that Nancy Pelosi can be tough.
INGRAM
I'd yell "Stop it!" How about that?
LUNDY
You wouldn't even get in the middle to separate them?
INGRAM
Are you kidding? There's not going to be an altercation. He
hears her voice in the hallway and dives under his desk. He
doesn't fit, but he tries it.
LUNDY
What would you take to save the life of the president?
INGRAM
Verbal abuse.
LUNDY
Verbal abuse?
INGRAM
I'd let people yell at me.
LUNDY
How is that putting yourself in jeopardy?
INGRAM
My feelings get hurt easily.
LUNDY
That's just nonsense.
INGRAM
Oh yeah? Anyone who likes "Billy Don't Be a Hero" is a
moron.
LUNDY
(offended) Hey, it's a great song.
INGRAM
For mindless sheep who just blindly follow orders.
LUNDY
It was a number one record in 1974. Number ONE!
INGRAM
Baaaaaaaaaa.
LUNDY
Oh, and what do you like? Hip hop. "Oh, look at me. I'm so
cool. I like hip hop."
INGRAM
Fortunately, I don't like hip hop because you would be on the
ground right now if I did.
LUNDY
Boy, you are sensitive.
INGRAM
I told you. But so are you.
LUNDY
People have been making fun of that song my whole life.
INGRAM
It's a stupid song.
LUNDY
Okay, let's take a breath. We're two men with guns. Let's
not argue.
INGRAM
Mine's not loaded.
LUNDY
What?
INGRAM
People could get hurt with those things.
LUNDY
Wait a minute. You mean you wouldn't even try to catch the
assailant who did try to harm the president?
INGRAM
Again, I'd yell "Stop it!"
LUNDY
Would you at least yell it LOUD?
INGRAM
I think so.
LUNDY
You think so?
INGRAM
I don't know. I'm not good in pressure situations.
LUNDY
I... I just can't fathom this.
INGRAM
The assailant has a gun, remember?
LUNDY
Yes, but so do you.
INGRAM
I don't always carry it.
LUNDY
Ohmygod! The president of the United States is being
protected by a Crossing Guard.
INGRAM
You shoot the assailant.
LUNDY
I will.
INGRAM
Do you remember how "Billy, Don't Be a Hero" ends? He dies.
LUNDY
For his country.
INGRAM
He dies. As in, there goes his only life. No falling in
love, no family, no Christmas, no Apple TV. Just death.
LUNDY
But when he was alive he was proud. He walked with honor. He
could look at himself everyday in the mirror. Even if he did
bad things as a child. Even if he was a bed wetter.
INGRAM
What?
LUNDY
I don't want to talk about it.
INGRAM
Look, you do what you want to do. Just make sure you don't
put the rest of us in harm's way.
LUNDY
The rest of you? What do you mean? Other members of the
president's detail feels the way you do?
INGRAM
All of them.
LUNDY
I refuse to believe that.
INGRAM
The key is getting high. Then staying high.
LUNDY
The president is not safe at all.
INGRAM
Neither is anybody as long as he has that job.
LUNDY
Well, I'm sorry. I can't in all good conscience not inform
him that he is receiving no protection from those entrusted
to secure his security.
INGRAM
(shrugs) Fine. Go tell him.
LUNDY
I will.
INGRAM
Have fun.
LUNDY
You're not concerned?
INGRAM
No.
LUNDY
You should be.
INGRAM
Oh no. I don't get to go to Mar-a-Lago every weekend.
LUNDY
Well, you'll be sorry.
INGRAM
(singing) Billy, don't be a hero, don't be a fool with your
life...
LUNDY
Screw you.
Lundy ENTERS the room, closing the door
behind him. Ingram presses the button
his earpiece to speak.
INGRAM
Be aware that agent Lundy has entered the Lincoln Bedroom to
converse with Mogul. I expect the exchange to last no longer
than thirty seconds and end the way all conversations with
Mogul do. Over.
Lundy ENTERS, furious.
LUNDY
That son of a bitch! That lowlife barbarian!
INGRAM
I trust it went well.
LUNDY
The second I walked in he just started screaming.
INGRAM
S.O.P.
LUNDY
And then he threw a chicken bone at me! No one throws
chicken bones at me!
INGRAM
That's the man you're taking a bullet for.
LUNDY
What? Not me. No way. Someone points an AK-47 at him let
him defend himself with a chicken bone. What an ingrate!
Ingram pulls out a joint from his
breast pocket and hands it to Lundy.
INGRAM
Welcome to the Secret Service, Agent Lundy.
LUNDY
Thank you, Agent Ingram.
INGRAM
See you tomorrow night.
LUNDY
(lighting up) Guess so.
Ingram EXITS. Lundy takes a toke then
presses the button on his earpierce.
LUNDY
Agent Lundy reporting in. Twenty-two hundred hours and
fifteen minutes. Mogul is secure in the Lincoln Bedroom.
He takes another big drag.
LUNDY
It is a stupid song.
MUSIC UP: "Billy Don't Be a Hero" by
Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods. Let it
ESTABLISH then:
LIGHTS DOWN.
END OF PLAY
