Saturday, May 29, 2021

Weekend Post

I miss the SKY MALL.  This used to be in airline magazines.  Products they couldn't sell on SHARK TANK at goofy prices.  At one time I compiled some of my favorite SKY MALL items.  Don't you wish you could still buy these items from the '00's?   

Vuzix iWear – Glasses that are supposed to simulate the big screen experience. $249. More if you want the iMax experience.

Gravity Defyer Shoes. Somewhat self-explanatory. $200. Or, for $4 you could tape Slinkys to your current footwear.

HairMax LaserComb – it’s a comb, it’s a laser. It’s the miracle answer to hair loss. Only $449! Perfect for that cue ball who spends thousands on a toupee that looks like a toilet seat.

X5 Hair Laser – See LaserComb but substitute metal ice pack. $299.

A Portable Alarm Clock for your iPhone. Uh, doesn’t the iPhone already have an alarm clock? $99.95.

Computer Speakers for your iPhone. Not to be confused with any speakers that are the same size and use the same plugs. $149.99.

Retractable Banner Pens – Okay, this you could really need. A thousand for only $950.

Hand Therapy Bars -- $59.

Water trappers -- $169. And they’re fade resistant!

Exclusive Microfibres Trellis Mat to protect high-traffic areas. Here’s the good news: it’s low profile so it will never obstruct your door. $149.

Ingeniously engineered EZ Bed that features an extra-plush mattress, a highly supportive frame, and new dual comfort zones. $299. Who buys a bed from a catalog? "I dunno, it sure seemed firmer in the picture."

Wolfgang Puck-designed toaster – otherwise known as a “toaster”. $99.50.

Cinema style Popcorn Maker – Who doesn’t crave seven tubs of popcorn while watching the National Geographic Channel? $199.

Electric Vortex Solo Heater – Nothing heats a room better than Vortex power. $169.

All-in-one Recycling System – patent pending. Perfect for the person who has compacted and non-compacted items. The ideal Christmas gift! $299.

Personal Breathalyzer -- $199. Because expensive gadgets know when to say when.

Feature-laden solar emergency radio – Ideal for those sunny day emergencies. $80.

A Bill Sorter – for only 199 of them.

The Custom Keeper -- 25 cubic feet of storage -- A far better name than laundry hamper. $199. Pretty much everything is $199.

The world’s largest write-on map mural – Only $149. The house with cathedral ceilings at $2,000,000 is not included. But what a mural!

Voice activated R2-D2 – “makes any home feel like it has been transported to a galaxy far far away”. The ad goes on to say it features “distinctive happy and sad sounds faithfully mimicking the real thing… right down to his occasional bad mood." If you buy this (at only $169.95) you are too nerdy to live.

The Electric Tint Changing Ski Goggles – No changing goggles while hurtling down the diamond course. $249.95.

The Upside-Down Tomato Garden – $79.95.

The Hand Crank Two Way Radio – Think of all the money you’ll save on two dollar batteries! Only $99.95.

The only Digital Camera Swim Mask – And it’s waterproof! $99.95.

The Sleep Regulating Sun Lamp – It produces no harmful UV radiation so that’s a plus. $249.95

Adjustable Sheepskin Slippers – You wake up in the morning, it’s 20 degrees in the house, you want your feet to be comfy as you putter around the kitchen. $49.95.

The Motion Sickness Relief Wrist Band – It keeps time and reduces nausea! $139.95.

The Finger Drum Mousepad -- $39.95.


The Mind Spa – This comes with a Catwoman type mask and a control unit that combines soothing sounds and calming lights. $349. From SuckerBornEveryMinute Industries.

The Carbon Fiber Heated Vest --$149.95

The Continuously Freshening Feline Drinking Fountain – What cat would be caught dead drinking out of a bowl these days? $69.95. For an extra ten dollars they should throw in a cat.

The Million Germ Eliminating Travel Toothbrush Sanitizer – It uses “proven germicidal UV technology ". And it sanitizes a toothbrush in only seven minutes! $29.95.

The Foldaway Lateral Stepper – $99.95. Or you could just step from side to side yourself for free.

And finally…

The Children’s ATM Bank – No more breaking into piggy banks, kids! Get a debit card and go to town! $39.95.

17 comments :

Bob K said...

The Gravity Defyer Shoes remind me of the PF Flyer sneaker commercials from the early 70’s. “They make you run faster and jump higher.” I begged my parents to buy me a pair. Finally they relented, and sure enough the PF’s made no difference. Turned out to be my first lesson in marketing and advertising.

Jim said...

Inflatable boobs. I forget the price, but not the model’s confident smile which increased commensurate with her PSI.

RyderDA said...

SkyMall was THE BEST READING on any airplane I ever got on. Beat The Sharper Image catalog by miles for ridiculous, overpriced garbage -- all of which was named "The..." something, with monstrously silly pricing ($79.99 or 8 easy payments of $13.69!). I created a parody of those catalogs for my office in my younger days, featuring such products as "The Handy Dandy Bulls&*t Detector", "The Super Random Performance Appraisal Generator" and "The Self-Recognition Mirror".

Shelley Herman said...

My cat loves his drinking fountain.

Orangutanagram said...

I like that every product's name starts with "The", like it's some museum piece.

-3- said...

Wait...

What happened to SkyMall?

D. McEwan said...

It wasn't in Sky Mall, but a couple years ago I saw TV ads for "Hi-Def Sunglasses"!!! Really!

But, you know, they were just 1080p, so I tossed them out when my 4K sunglasses got here.

Buttermilk Sky said...

How many people know that the J. Peterman catalogue was a real thing and not just a running gag on SEINFELD? You could buy a replica of a shirt worn by Thomas Jefferson, complete with wooden buttons. (Not a puffy shirt.) It's still online but I haven't seen the catalogue in years. The product descriptions were exactly like Elaine and her staff wrote them.

DBenson said...

I miss the funky little boomer-era catalogs that featured such marvels as thingies to keep your socks paired in the washer and dryer, special wallets for grocery coupons (with category dividers), the secret safe disguised as a can of soda, and a sort of periscope that allowed you to watch TV while lying flat on your back. (no neck strain!).

Also the kind of witty home decor you used to see in George Price's New Yorker cartoons, like the "Cocktail Hour" wall clock showing every hour as 5. And the ashtray with a tiny set of clear plastic lungs that would darken with use. And the mock parking meter to place by the toilet.

I suspect Sky Mall was targeted at nouveau riche, or perhaps nouveau middle, who grew up on those catalogs and still had an impaired sense of Usefulness.

Headacher said...

Will you be reminiscing about the Sears Christmas Catalog soon as well? Golly gee, I sure did want that Mercedes-Benz Peddle Car!

brian t said...

Captain Stubing of the Love Boat has disembarked: Gavin MacLeod has died at 90. He was also on McHale's Navy and was Murray Slaughter on The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Ted. said...

It's hard to imagine a better supporting character than Murray Slaughter on "The Mary Tyler Moore Show." He was relatable, fun to have around, and also kind of sad (as a talented man who never realized his dreams -- and who, despite being happily married, was always a little in love with Mary). Of course, his sardonic sense of humor made every episode funnier. Even if MacLeod hadn't gone on to become ridiculously successful on "The Love Boat," he would be remembered as a highly respected character actor.

David said...

You're missing my all-time favorite SkyMall item: the Star of David Christmas tree topper. I was tempted to buy one just so I could say I owned such a crazy thing.

Mark W Miller said...

Ken,

This question is not specifically related to today's post. But here goes: was Melville's seafood restaurant on "Cheers" named after Herman Melville, the author of "Moby Dick"?

D. McEwan said...

"Headacher said...
Will you be reminiscing about the Sears Christmas Catalog soon as well?"


As a kid, how I LOVED the Sears Christmas Catalog! Mom had each of us go through it every year, marking with our initials what we most wanted. (Got confusing, since my brother Duncan has the same initials I do.) I always marked about thirty things, and there were always two or three of the things I marked, usually the best things, under the tree come Christmas morning.

Matt said...

When I was in the Army flying on helicopters several days a week I would have bought a bracelet that stopped motion sickness.

Devlin Thompson said...

I bought that R2-D2 for about $150 less at a yard sale, and it actually was pretty impressive. The happy/sad thing isn't exaggerated; it would do a happy dance routine to the "Cantina Band" tune, but if you chastised or hit it, it would do pretty much the same thing, but much slower, to a sad arrangement of the same tune, with an effect similar to Charlie Brown walking along with his head bowed in the Peanuts Christmas special.