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This is an absolute true story.I was just about to turn 55 (which is traumatic enough). It was 11:15 at night. I was watching this documentary series on HBO about the Porn industry. Hey, it just happened to be on.
They were asking various porn stars a series of questions. One of the questions was “What WON’T you do?”
One by one they listed all manner of depraved acts. No double-penetration. No triple-penetration. No groups more than ten. No animals. No S & M. No vegetables. They were rattling off kinky and disgusting acts I didn’t even know were possible. The most humiliating, degrading sexual requests you could ever imagine.
Finally, they get to one girl who says, “Hey, whatever. They’re paying me. I’ll do just about anything…” and then she added, “As long as it’s not with a guy who’s like 55.”
That
was it. My life was over. Torture was fine. Goats were fine. But
sex with a 55 year old, that’s where you draw the line.I spent that birthday in a fetal position under my desk familiarizing myself with what benefits I was entitled to under Medicare.
24 comments :
Happy belated birthday, Ken. Hope you had a great day.
Very funny story. Although a part of me was kind of hoping that on the documentary, when they got to the last girl, she would say, "The Aristocrats!"
Don't worry, offering a free bottle of Methylated Spirits at 2am in certain parts of downtown L.A. will soon get you lucky.
Pity you had negative thoughts on the Playboy Mansion - at 55 you'd have been Malibu beefcake to the 20 somethings when compared to Hef.
Come on, you still had 45 minutes!
Happy belated birthday.
Well, you dodged a bullet there.
The amount of gut-churning porn online that is available easily is more than a bit gross. I say this as a guy who likes sex !
By the way, I meant "sickening" when I used the term "gut-churning" porn.
Wow, our attitude on aging is horrible.
On the bright side, she didn't mention you by name.
What if it were a 55-year-old goat?
I don't see that as an insult. Perhaps the "no 55 year-olds" woman merely wants to do a sitcom.
https://kenlevine.blogspot.com/2008/04/traci-lords-family-show.html
I turned 55 six days ago. Thanks, Ken, for not putting this up then.
I know how you feel. Beyond that, political correctness prevents me from saying what I'm thinking.
M.B.
Did you get her number? You're not 55 anymore
Exaggerations aside, I imagine that after some reflection you "considered the source" - as if a youngster with the wrong kinds of experience would have a good clue about what is desirable.
At age twenty my concept of feminine beauty was considerably narrower than mine is now. No doubt it was influenced by print, television, and film - not to mention Hugh Hefner's visually-expressed preferences.
What a bonus! Everywhere you turn is a different take on the desirable (no comment on the area within a 50-mile of Hollywood and Vine - or Park Avenue.)
Have a friendly chat in a grocery line and beauty may be verbally-expressed.
Not exactly what I would want to hear on my 55th birthday either, but if it's any consolation, you were probably never likely to have sex with her in the first place. Also, I would bet that she's never even heard of MASH or CHEERS, if that cheers you up.
Final thought: Porn "stars" are overrated.
Just an FYI: there was/is a smut version of M*A*S*H, called N*u*r*s*e*s of the 407th !
The porn documentary Ken references (Pornucopia: Going Down in the Valley) was released in 2004. Porn stars these days are bonking guys in their 70s ! I was doing research on Pornhub, and found several "old guy" videos.
Talking of porn, Sarah Palin, who's just lost her lawsuit against The New York Times, would have been better off doing porn as a career. She has all the skills. She's got a nice body, zero intelligence, a reputation from her college years, and a trailer trash family who have fights in public and a daughter who got pregnant at 18 while unmarried and while her mom was telling Americans that teens should practise abstinence because sex before marriage is wrong.
Happy belated birthday. My birthday's claim to fame is that Nathan Hale was hung on it. Hey! I'm not THAT old. His death happened a little less than 200 years before I arrived on the scene. And in keeping with this post, since he died fairly fast....I guess he was "well hung".
Makes me think of Linda's line on Becker, when she mistakenly assumes that John Becker is interested in her. "I got a rule about dating," she said. "You can be poor or you can be old, but you can't be both."
Look at the bright side. At least you remember your 55th birthday. I have no recollection of mine at all.
Jack West 2/15/2022 9:41 AM
“On the bright side, she didn't mention you by name.”
Things have changed since Jerry Springer paid with a personal check.
Nowadays — presumably — most civilians that porn stars encounter professionally use a variation on the name “Carlos Danger.”
gratulations you became invisible at 55
OUCH. And I say that as a guy about 2 years younger than you.
Because you are such a swell guy, Ken, I will now make you feel MUCH better!
"Pornucopia" came out in 2004.
That was 18 years ago.
That twinkie who considered you chronologically gross... how old do you think she might have been, at the time?
Now add 18 years and ask yourself: how do you think this woman deals with getting older now!
(Gratifying as hell, is it not?)
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