Treva Silverman

From time to time I like to introduce you to writers you might not know but should. So today, meet Treva Silverman.

Her comedy comes from character – keenly observing the behavior and absurdity of real people and real situations. Her laughs are hard earned because they derive from humanity not the easier route – cynicism. I’ve always believed that “only the truth is funny” and Treva’s built a nice career doing just that.

You probably have seen her name on many episodes of the MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. Without making her sound like Jackie Robinson, Treva was one of the first women TV comedy writers and really did pave the way for others to follow. As with Jackie, she did it with talent, poise, and the ability to steal home.

Treva’s career began in New York. While playing and singing at piano bars at night, she wrote songs and 13 off-Broadway children’s musicals. That led to writing sketches for musical revues at the prestigious “Upstairs at the Downstairs”. Other revues employed as many as twenty sketch writers. “Upstairs” had one – Treva.

Carol Burnett caught her show one night and hired her to write for her first variety series, THE ENTERTAINERS. She was the only woman on staff. Knowing how writing rooms can be a bit raucous, Treva set out to prove she was one of the boys by dropping a few F-bombs the first day. One of the writers took her aside and said, “Please don’t swear. It makes us so uncomfortable.”

MADEMOISELLE magazine included her in an article about women on the rise in professions traditionally held by men. All that did was put extra pressure on her. It’s hard enough to succeed under the best of conditions but she felt if “If I fail I bring down all womanhood”.

Treva moved to LA to write for THE MONKEES, THAT GIRL, and GET SMART. So far all womanhood was safe. And then in 1969 Jim Brooks (who she first met when she was playing at a piano bar) called and said he and Allan Burns were creating a show for Mary Tyler Moore. Would she like to be involved? As a writer not a pianist.

She stayed with the show for five years, wrote 16 episodes, won two Emmys, and was one of its major creative forces. Allan Burns credits her with being the “voice of Rhoda” (although in person Treva could not be more different from the brassy Rhoda character) and Valerie Harper called her the “Feminist conscience of the show.” The guys, to their credit, never fought her…although the feminist attitudes did have to be pointed out to them.

Treva thought THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW was the easiest and hardest job she ever had. Easiest because the show was so real. Hardest because the show was so real.

One thing she loved was that on the show she could write digressions. It wasn’t just story, story, story. Compare that to today’s sitcoms where there have to be B stories and C stories, and forty two scenes in a twenty minute show.

Needing a ditzy character to be the opposite of Rhoda, she created Georgette after seeing Georgia Engels in the Milos Foreman film, TAKING OFF. It was originally supposed to be just a couple of lines for one episode only but Georgia was so funny everyone decided she should be a series regular.

Of the many episodes for MTM that Treva wrote, some of my favorites were “Lou & Edie Story” (Lou’s wife decides to separate), “Better Late…that’s a pun…than never” (Mary gets suspended when she writes a joke obit and the guy promptly dies), “Cover Boy” (introducing Jack Cassidy as Ted’s brother), and “Rhoda the beautiful” (where Rhoda enters a beauty contest).

Tomorrow I will feature some of Treva’s work, but here’s just a sample. In that episode Rhoda lost twenty pounds but doesn't seem to be happy about it. When Mary wonders why she says, “Because I can never say again ‘gee, I’d look great if I lost twenty pounds’.”

After season five Treva left the show to live in Europe for several years. She came back to write pilots, movies, and was collaborating with Michael Bennett (CHORUS LINE, DREAMGIRLS) on a Broadway musical called SCANDAL. With a score by Jimmy Webb, and starring Swoozie Kurtz, Treat Williams, Victor Garber, Priscilla Lopez, and Rob Morrow it was slated for production. But unfortunately, Bennett died and the project never came to fruition. To this day Treva feels it’s the best thing she’s ever written.

Michael Douglas called her to fix ROMANCING THE STONE. Test audiences hated the Kathleen Turner character -- they thought she was too cold. Plus, they only had the budget to reshoot the first scene – where Kathleen is home alone, gets a call from her sister, and has to go save her. Treva had the solution. Give her a cat. Let her talk baby talk to the cat. Just that one bit of behavior completely won over the audience. And the rest is box office success and disappointing sequel (that I helped rewrite) history.

Recently, Treva has rewritten SCANDAL as a play. A NY Times article called it “purportedly brilliant and unproduced”. Since then there has been a flurry of interest and hopefully we’ll finally get to see it soon.

I hope Treva Silverman serves as an inspiration to young writers, not because she’s a woman or that she broke barriers, but because of her work.

I just had to share this.

My daughter's friend was standing in line at a Cineplex recently and saw a seedy homeless guy approaching. He went through his pockets in preparation for the inevitable beg for money. Instead the homeless guy said, "Don't see the new Lindsay Lohan movie. It's terrible!"

"He wore a cane and derby hat"...most of the time

This was one of my favorite TV theme songs as a kid. Back in the old days (of TV, not America) western heroes all had a schtick and a song. They all had "legends". They all were the fastest gun. They all had big jaws. My favorite was BAT MASTERSON. Starring Gene Barry (maybe the only Jewish cowboy), he was a struttin' popinjay in a suit and would foil hardened outlaws by twirling a cane. Here's the theme. Notice when they say he wore a derby hat that in that shot he's not.

Next?!

Dealing with rejection is never easy. Especially when starting out. Barry Diller (the Dali Lama of sharks, pictured right) has the philosophy that when a deal falls through or is rejected, his automatic response is: “Next?!”

Writers need a thick skin, belief in themselves, and five times a week therapy (prom rebuffs linger large). The good news is if you’ve written a spec, all you need is one person to say yes. (I know, you could say that about the prom, too. Get over it already!)

I’ve saved all my rejection letters and wouldn’t you know, a number of the writers who initially said I sucked eventually submitted scripts to me looking for a job years later. (No, I didn’t just send back their rejection letters and flip flop the names…but I wanted to.)

Keep striving to improve, maybe find some constructive use in the rejection (if it’s offered and useful), but never let your worth be decided by someone else. Supposedly, Richard Wagner once wrote back to a critic who panned one of his works by saying (and I’m paraphrasing), “I am currently sitting on the toilet. At the moment your critique is in front of me. In a moment it will be behind me.”
I’ve written spec screenplays that have sold and others that haven’t. I used to ask my agent if they gave any reason for passing. I would hear such explanations as: too broad, not broad enough; too edgy, too soft; too familiar, too out there. And all these regarding the same script. My favorite rejection of all-time was from an idiot studio executive who said this about one of my screenplays:

“The writing was so good it almost fooled me into liking this script.”

How do you react to that other than laugh and drop him a note congratulating him on the success of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY? I no longer ask for explanations. I no longer even wait to hear the reaction on one project before launching into another. I don’t consider any of my screenplays rejected, just “not having sold yet”.

NEXT?!

Stylin' at the Rock Awards

A follow-up to the Allan Carr story.

The pilot my partner and I wrote for him was about a girl who booked rock acts for a live music show like THE MIDNIGHT SPECIAL (which ran on Friday nights in the swinging 70s). One day Allan calls and says for research purposes we should attend the DON KIRSCHNER ROCK AWARDS. This was a bullshit network made-up award show, a predecessor to the AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS or MTV AWARDS, or FRED’S AWARDS if Fred could get someone to televise it. We were to mingle with the stars, get a feel of the world, etc. The tickets were free so what the hell?

It was broadcast live from the Hollywood Palladium at 5 p.m. (8 p.m. in the east). We were given house seats and told to dress black tie. So we had to hit the rental store. When the salesman learned the occasion he said, “You can’t just get black tuxedos. Not for the ROCK AWARDS. Are you nuts? You’ve got to wear something much hipper than that.” Considering we were the two un-hippest guys on the planet that made sense. We wanted to fit in. Didn’t want Peter Frampton thinking we were not happening. So we said, “What do you got?”

The day of the show we picked up our dates at about 3:00. They got one look at our outfits and both almost bust a gut. Like two complete idiots we were wearing matching brown tuxedos with peach colored ruffled shirts. All that was missing was paisley cummerbund.

Obviously, it was too late to do anything about it so off we went to the Palladium. And big surprise, we were the only two people there in brown tuxedos with peach ruffled shirts. Our dates were still laughing. Actually, the sound of snickering seemed to follow us wherever we went. Gone were my fantasies of Olivia Newton-John slipping me her number.

To save face I took off my glasses and tried to pass myself off as Prince.

It’s now 4:45. We’re seated. The stage P.A. calls out, “Chaka Khan? Is Chaka Khan here?” I don’t know why but I raised my hand and said, “Here!” The woman sitting right in front of me whirled around and said, “Hey, Fuckhead! I’m Chaka Khan!” So much for my mingling with the stars. (Chaka pictured right with sort of the warm expression she gave me.)

After suffering through the show (“Oh wow, man. I can’t tell you what an honor it is to receive this, uh…what is this again?”), we got out at about 7:30. Unbelievably, we weren’t invited to any of the post show parties. When Alice Cooper laughs at your outfit, you know you look like an imbecile. So now we had to get dinner. Where do you go on a Tuesday night in Hollywood dressed like the groomsmen of Liberace’s wedding?

Thank God for Kelbos!
Longtime Angelinos know what I’m talking about. Kelbos was a super tacky Polynesian themed restaurant with several L.A. locations. Picture Trader Vic’s for Homer Simpson. They’re gone now but back then there was one right across the street from CBS Television City.

(Side note: CBS Television City is in the heart of the Fairfax district, a decidedly Jewish section of town. The joke is to get to CBS just drive down Fairfax Ave. And the first window that doesn’t have a chicken in it is CBS.)

We walk into Kelbos, two Jerry Vale impersonators and their dates, and the host doesn’t even bat an eye. Shows us to a booth and even offers us complimentary drinks in skulls. We all must’ve laughed for an hour at how stupid we looked. But at least no one saw us.

Then I get home and watch the tape-delayed replay of the show. Chaka Khan wins an award. Jumps up. And there we are, in a lovely two shot, on national television. And it was an extra good idea to sit right next to each other.

I think Allan Carr was embarrassed. And this from a man who wore caftans and cold cream.

Recently I came across this on a fashion website:

If you are trying to decide the perfect outfit for your special man to wear on your wedding day, well don’t get stuck on the typical black tuxedo. For 2007, the hottest color is chocolate brown. Elegant brown is the new black! Many of the top designers have a handsome chocolate brown tuxedo for the new year. Check with your wedding planner to find out about specific designers offering brown tuxedos for 2007.

DON'T BELIEVE IT!!! I was a fuckhead so you won't have to be.

From my dusty archives...

I wish there was a cable channel that showed FORGOTTEN TELEVISION. Just because a series didn’t have 200 episodes doesn’t mean it wasn’t terrific. Many of these forgotten gems deserve an audience. One such series that my partner and I worked on was THE TONY RANDALL SHOW, an ABC sitcom from the 76-77 season. In it, Tony played a judge (Walter Franklin). One of the episodes we wrote is still one of my favorites. In it, Walter runs for superior court judge. In this scene he goes on a talk radio show. The announcer was played by David Ogden Stiers and this appearance helped get him cast the following season on MASH. Tony’s law clerk (Mario Lanza) was played by the hilarious Zane Lasky. Picture a young Dustin Hoffman only weaselier.

INT. RADIO STATION – NIGHT

WALTER IS SITTING AT THE CONSOLE WITH THE HOST, CLEAVER.

CLEAVER
(IN A FAIRLY HIGH VOICE) The news will be over in fifteen seconds, and then we’ll take our cue. Speak directly into the microphone. Don’t be nervous.

CLEAVER TAKES HIS CUE AND TURNS ON THE MIKE. SUDDENLY HIS VOICE DROPS FIFTY OCTAVES. IT REMAINS THAT WAY FOR THE COURSE OF THE SCENE.

CLEAVER
Good evening and welcome to W-L-N-I’s “Philadelphia Forum.” I’m your moderator, Robert W. Cleaver, and tonight my guest is Judge Walter…Frankel, uh, Franklin. I’m sorry.

WALTER
It’s all right.

CLEAVER
Judge Franklin has taken on the near impossible task of challenging the beloved Samuel Barnett for Superior Court Judge. Before I bring on our guest, out phone number is 520-2467. Judge, it’s nice to have you with us.

WALTER
Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here. (READING FROM HIS SPEECH) Now, unlike my opponent…

CLEAVER
It’s a pleasure to have you here.

WALTER
Thank you…it’s nice to be here. Now, if I could just read this prepared statement… “Unlike my opponent…”

CLEAVER
Judge, excuse me, but it’s our policy not to allow prepared statements. We’d prefer that you just answer questions from our listeners.

WALTER
Fine.

CLEAVER
Our switchboard should be lighting up any minute. That number again: 520-2467.

THEY WAIT NOW FOR CALLS. THERE ARE NONE.

WALTER
I’m prepared to face the issues.

A BEAT.

CLEAVER
I’m sure you are.

A BEAT.

WALTER
There’s a lot to talk about.

A BEAT.

CLEAVER
The lines are wide open. 520-2467. C’mon, folks.

A BEAT.

WALTER
Rarin’ to go.

A BEAT

CLEAVER
He’s rarin’ to go.

A BEAT.

WALTER
520-2467.

A BEAT.

CLEAVER
He’s rarin’ to go.

A BEAT.

WALTER
Do you have any questions for me?

CLEAVER
No, not really.

A BEAT. CLEAVER PICKS UP AN INDEX CARD.

CLEAVER
Well, I do have one.

WALTER
Fire away.

CLEAVER
Judge, do you like Jewish food?

WALTER
Well…uh, yes. I like Jewish food. But that’s not to say that I don’t enjoy foods of other lands. But Jewish food is very tasty.

CLEAVER
(READING THE CARD) Then you’ll want to join Super Chef Roger O’Malley as he prepares Kishka tomorrow at ten here on W-L-N-I.

WALTER
I’ll be listening. I love Kishka.

THE BOARD LIGHTS UP.

CLEAVER
(EXCITED) We have calls!

WALTER
Thank God.

CLEAVER
(PUSHING BUTTON) Line one, you’re on the air.

CALLER #ONE (V.O.)
(THROUGH A SPEAKER) Hello. I’d like to know what your guest thought of “A Star is Born.”

CLEAVER
Lady, the movie critic was on last night… liked him, hated her.

CALLER #ONE (V.O.)
Yeah, but I…

CLEAVER
(PUSHES BUTTON) Line two, hello.

CALLER #TWO (V.O.)
(DEPRESSED) I’m not sure my life is worth living. My wife has left me, I’ve lost my job, and I think I’m going to throw myself off the Delaware Bridge.

CLEAVER
I’m sorry, our topic is the judges’ race. (HE CUTS THE CALL OFF)

WALTER
(CONCERNED) Listen, to that man who’s going to jump. Life is worth living.

CLEAVER
The judge’s opinion is not necessarily that of this station. (PUSHING BUTTON) Line three, you’re on.

MARIO (V.O.)
I have a question for your esteemed guest, one of the finest legal minds ever to walk the streets of Philadelphia.

WALTER
(EXASPERATED) What is it, Mario?

MARIO (V.O.)
Which was a bigger thrill for you – winning the Congressional Medal of Honor or the Nobel Peace Prize?

WALTER
(AGGRAVATED) I didn’t win either one of them. (BEAT) Ask a responsible question!

MARIO (V.O.)
Okay. What’s kishka?

CLEAVER
Tune in tomorrow and find out. Right now let’s pause for this brief commercial message. (FLIPS OFF MIKE, THEN TO WALTER IN HIS NORMAL HIGH VOICE) I think it’s really going well, don’t you?

WALTER REACTS.

Postscript: Caller #1 was played by Raechel Donahue, a long-time LA disc jockey and pioneer in FM rock radio, and Caller #2 was some guy named Harry Shearer.

A few thoughts before I forget them

These summer blockbusters generally have record breaking opening weekends then drop 62% the second week. Think of how much more money they could make if they were actually good. Instead of making a movie people might want to see, how about a movie that “people might want to see AGAIN?” Or a movie that “people might want to recommend to someone else?” I think TRANSFORMERS was such a hit because of the title. There wasn’t a 2 or 3 after it.

Thanks to Maureen Ryan’s column in the Chicago Tribune I found this: Rob McKenzie of Canada’s National Post offers these descriptions of Showtime’s new CALIFORNICATION -- "Alabummer; Alaskanky; Arizonerous; Arkinsulting; Coloradolescence; Connecticuttable; Delawary, as in how I’d feel about a second season..."

I haven’t seen it but I just know it’s bogus – a writer sleeping with all these women? A writer???

From my friend, David Pollock – when Bonds hit his historic home run last week, after the ten minutes of celebrating, the pitcher should have thrown the ball to third on an appeal play. What if Bonds hadn’t touched the bag and after all that the umpire called him out? Oh man would that have been classic!!!

And finally, astronaut Buzz Aldrin, at 77 just had a face lift. Why not just wear a space helmet?

The Scooter

One of the great legends of baseball and broadcasting passed away late Monday night. Phil Rizzuto. He was 89, the oldest living member of the Hall of Fame. Even though I've always hated the Yankees I've always loved "the Scooter". And no one in baseball could make me laugh harder. Rarely on purpose but still!

A former All-Star and MVP player, Rizzuto never really made the transition to broadcaster. And that was his charm. If there was a player’s name he couldn’t pronounce he’d just call him “Huckleberry”. He could never remember my name during the years I was a colleague so he always just called me “Mash”. When scoring a game he would often write WW following a player’s at bat. That meant “wasn’t watching”.

There are many great Phil Rizzuto stories. I'm sure over the next few days newspapers and blogs will be full of them. Here are my two favorites.

The Yankees were playing at Tiger Stadium one night. It was easy to hit home runs down the left field line. It was just a 340 foot chip shot. On the left field wall was a digital clock. A Yankee hit a home run and Rizzuto almost came out of his seat, saying on the air, “Holy cow, what a poke! He had that over the 808 sign!”

And then there was the day where his post game show was interrupted with the bulletin that Pope John Paul I had died after only a month of service. When he got back on the air, the first thing Rizzuto said was, “Wow. News like that could dampen even a Yankee win.”

For me, news of the Scooter's death dampens everything. One of his many quirks was that he would leave ballgames early. Now he's done that in life too. And yes, 89 is too early.

The Bourne Ultimatum

SPOILER ALERT even though you probably know what’s going to happen without seeing the movie.

I loved THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM even though I know I shouldn’t. The beauty of the picture is that it has a million flaws and I just didn’t care. I loved it anyway.

Usually an action hero struggles for the first three-quarters of the movie. He gets the shit beaten out of him. He fails in his quest. He’s humiliated. And in the very end he somehow miraculously draws upon some hidden reserve strength and saves the day.

Not Bourne. From the first frame of the film he is like Popeye after downing the can of spinach. Nothing or no one stands in his way. Ever.

I didn’t care.

Superhuman strength at times. Fine. Survives horrific car crashes without a scratch (Not just one but like eight). No problem. Leaps from a twenty story building on the Westside of Manhattan, lands in the East River (forget that he has to clear that little thing called the FDR Drive), and survives.

Sure. Works for me.

Director Paul Greengrass’ action sequences were so well done you actually felt you were in the middle of them. Actually it’s what I assume happens to all tourists in Tangier and Moscow and Turin so I had no trouble making the buy.

Bourne somehow has an unlimited amount of money. Doesn’t everybody? He can enter any restricted building or office without being detected. Natch. It’s only the CIA’s secret headquarters. It’s not like he’s trying to get onto the Paramount lot.

The best villains are the ones with style and dimension. Bad guy, David Strathairm sneers when he gets out of a car. He orders civilians killed. He invites Joan Allen to breakfast and doesn’t stand when she arrives. Still, I loved him. Joan Allen played the Laura Linney/Hope Davis interchangeable part of stick-up-her-ass CIA Director. That role has bored me in seventeen other movies but this time thumbs up.

Our government apparently has surveillance equipment everywhere. Fifteen cameras can follow anybody anywhere. Handguns have video cameras. (It's the new Canon Cannon) The Waterloo train station in London? More cameras than Fox used on the Superbowl. It seems we can monitor every cellphone in the world and do. Yet, we can’t find Osama bin Laden in over six years. Okay, it’s a stretch but I’m confident one day some nerd in Apopka, Florida will discover him on Google Maps.

In the first two BOURNE films Julia Stiles had maybe six lines total. This time she was on screen for a good twenty minutes and still had maybe six lines. Every time Bourne asked her a question she just answered with a reaction. Their scenes together felt like Penn & Teller. Still, I dug her.

Matt Damon is immensely charming and believable. Jack Bauer without the angst, James Bond without the ego, John McClane without the AARP card. For me he effectively carried the movie, leaping over the logic holes as deftly as he did the rooftops in Tangier. And when I’m having fun I don’t mind as much that he can speak 195 languages and know everyone's phone number.

Critics are calling THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM an adult thriller, an intelligent action movie. What it really is is THE AMAZING RACE with guns. I highly recommend it… although in five years I’m liable to watch it again and think “what a piece of shit.”

How to interview a celebrity

As a public service to any toadie journalist assigned to do an inane starlet profile here is the style sheet YOU MUST FOLLOW!!!

Whether it’s for the LA TIMES, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY, PARADE, or MERCENARY LIFE there is a specific protocol you are advised to follow to the letter. So please take note:

The interview must be a lunch date at a chic café, clearly identified.

The celebrity will arrive late. You must report how late and what her excuse was. And you must forgive her. Even if the excuse is, “I forgot” or “I had to liquor up to do this because I find you repulsive” you must be charmed.

It’s important to describe her outfit. Is Natalie Portman wearing jeans? Lead with that. Gwen Stefani has new sunglasses? Hold page one! And for godsakes, whatever you do, describe the celebrity’s hair. Was it pulled back? Tousled? No one gives a shit what Claire Danes thinks but they sure as hell need to know whether her hair was red, blonde, or strawberry blonde? You spent five years in journalism school at Northwestern. Use your tools.

Painstakingly note whether she picks at an egg white omelet or a Waldorf salad. Celebrities don’t eat, they “pick at”.

Note that she eats healthy and it’s paying off. You must compliment a celebrity’s appearance. Jennifer Aniston is “glowing” and “radiant” and when Courtney Love shows up looking like the dog’s breakfast she is dressed “casual” and “fun funky”.

Once the budding young diva starts yammering learn what is print-worthy and what is just utter brain-dead nonsense. Listen carefully because often you won’t be able to distinguish one from the other.

She will tell you that she is now in “a good place”. Report that. She’s learned some real “life lessons” on her last movie. At this point she’ll start talking real fast and you might have a tough time getting it all down. So make it easy on yourself. Write it all out before the interview.

She’ll tell you what she thinks of the world situation. She’ll have suggestions for how to fix it. Ignore!!! All of it. Complete balloon juice. This is where you can pick at your food.

She’ll gush about her latest movie. That’s the only reason she’s there. It’s certainly not to spend time with you. Should you excuse yourself after lunch and go to the bathroom for three minutes, by the time you get back she’ll have no idea who you are.

The thing about this film was that the director (just fill in the blank here) who is a “genius” allowed her to tap into an inner place she didn’t know even existed. He unleashed the “little girl” in her and maybe two or three past lives. It was really “scary” and “profound”. She “suffered” as a result but that’s okay because she is “all about the art”. It’s okay to eliminate all the “y’knows”, “ums”, and “likes”, but you must keep every “I’m all about...”

Do not bring up anything negative. Yes, she killed that pedestrian but it was only one and it was before she was in her “good place” and besides, she’s all about Africa now, so that’s what you need to focus on.

Never EVER talk about yourself or bring up any topic other than her. She will stare at you in disbelief like you just killed her puppy. A call to the publicist (who’s sitting at the next table with five of her best handlers) is certain to follow.

By now she’s sipping her cappuccino (which must be duly reported as well as whether she stirs it lazily, holds the cup with two hands, etc. This is vital information.). Very gingerly, bring up boyfriends. She may volunteer that her relationship is “in a good place” and then you’re home free. Again, no negatives. Do not mention that she ruined a marriage or broke up a home. Listen for these words: “(blank) has given me a real sense of self and opened my eyes to so many things.” It means she’s wrapping it up.

Thank her for taking the time. She will shake your hand and thank you. She’s amazed you got so much information out of her. She usually never is that revealing. You’ll look away for a second, a gesture of modesty. Poof! By the time you look back she’ll be gone.

If you get back to the office, write up the story, and see that you’re short you can always slug in the following: She gets great gas mileage on her Prius (even though she drove up in a Porsche). She never actually sees any of the movies she’s in. She’d like to do a comedy someday because people don’t realize it but she’s soooo funny. Harry Potter changed her life. And she’s all about the truth but she also just discovered power walking.

Write that up, see it three weeks later as a cover story in PEOPLE, and request a transfer to Iraq.

Hey, who stole my flamingo?!

Or...my favorite pitch meeting ever.
In 1978 my partner, David Isaacs and I were head writers of MASH. That fall we also signed on to write a pilot for CBS. Our producer was Allan Carr (pictured above). He was this rather flamboyant character famous for throwing lavish parties in the “King Tut Disco” in his home, producing such films as SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and GREASE, and winning a Tony for producing LA CAGE AUS FOLLES on Broadway. He looked like composer Paul Williams -- short, cherubic, bespectacled.

We arranged a meeting to pitch our pilot story. Since we were dealing with MASH all day the meeting was set for 6 PM at his Benedict Canyon mansion (“Hillhaven Lodge”, complete with a giant eight foot Oscar statue in the driveway.)

We show up and are told by the butler he’s not ready. The butler ushered us onto the lovely outdoor patio where a bottle of wine was waiting for us as well as a Chasen’s ice mountain of fresh seafood. An hour later we’re still waiting although the bottle is now empty. And we start getting a little giddy. We were wondering how we could steal one of his ceramic flamingos. Would Allan notice the two long flamingo legs sticking out of my briefcase? We were really starting to get punchy.

Finally, we hear “Hello, hello” and quickly put on our serious game faces. A moment later Allan sweeps in wearing nothing but a flowing white caftan…and a layer of thick white cold cream all over his face. Holy shit! We almost lost it.

And now, not only must we somehow maintain decorum, we have to pitch a complete pilot story. Behind Allan sat the flamingos, making it even worse.

We somehow managed to get through it. Imagine this surreal scene – a normal pitch meeting, the producer and writers polishing a story, trading ideas, everyone acting as though there’s nothing unusual even though the producer is in a dress with Crisco dripping from his face.

We wrapped up the meeting, said goodbye, shook hands, he closed the front door, and we rolled around on his front lawn for 45 minutes laughing.

The pilot didn’t go thank God because shortly after that Allan had his stomach stapled. Lord knows what the story meetings were like following that.

More Jack Benny or... "Now cut that out!"

By popular demand, here are a few more examples of Jack Benny's greatness.

A number of commenters mentioned the famous "Sy" routine with Mel Blanc. Notice the timing... from both Mel and Jack.



Other commenters noted his influence on Johnny Carson. Here they are together.



And finally, Jack and his violin. This is a segment of a tribute to Benny hosted by another one of his disciples, Kelsey Grammer.

Whole lotta shakin' goin' on!

Yes, we had another earthquake in Los Angeles Thursday morning. 4.5 on the Richter scale. In comparison, a 9 would be like living through a Michael Bay movie. It came around 1 a.m. I was sitting at my computer. No one else in the flirt nook felt it. Lasting about a minute, there was a rumble, jolt, then more rumbling. Since my cable didn’t go out I knew there was no damage anywhere in a two hundred mile radius. My cable almost went out the previous day because of the New York rainstorm.

I’d like to say we Angelinos get used to earthquakes and just roll with them (so to speak). But each one is unnerving. In the back of our minds we’re always thinking, “Is this the big one?” followed by, “I hope the epicenter is under Rupert Murdoch’s house.”

But we try to stay philosophical. Every locale has something. Hurricanes in Florida, floods in Iowa, tornadoes in Brooklyn, bridges in Minneapolis. We just have to press on.

Well…not all of us. During one early morning quake the local Channel 4 anchor on-camera just dove under the desk in terror. Not exactly Edward R. Murrow reporting from London with enemy bombs dropping behind him.

The night of the Whittier earthquake in 1987 (Richter rated 5.9 if you're scoring.) I went to Dodger Stadium. It was the end of the season, I was trying to make a play-by-play audition tape I could send to the minors, time was running out, and I still sucked. But as I sat there in the first row of the upper deck I thought to myself, “If there’s a big aftershock is there possibly a worse place I could be than a giant 25 year old concrete overhang hovering precariously hundreds of feet above the ground?” And worse, I blew a big inning by mis-identifying Mickey Hatcher as Teri Hatcher.

But the real terrifying quake was the one in Northridge in ’94. That one had a magnitude of 6.7 and caused $12 billion in damages (including my fallen chimney). Plus there were aftershocks for weeks, some substantial. For months, every time someone turned on an electric razor people scrambled to get under door frames.

Thank goodness for Jack Popejoy. Jack was the morning anchor on KFWB radio, the all-news station. His unflappable demeanor, reassurance, and steady reporting had a huge calming effect on a very shaken population. Heroes emerge from trying times.

Everyone who lived through the Northridge quake has a story. But here’s the funniest I’ve heard. There was a business affairs guy at Paramount who took a couple of sleeping pills and slept through the entire thing. When he awoke, all of his things were strewn about the floor. So he called the police and said he was robbed.

Oh those wacky natural disasters!

Some random ramblings because I have a short attention span today

Forget Paris Hilton. Now we have Jane Seymour! The former Bond girl/medicine woman has been charged with holding inappropriate all-night soirees in her mansion in England. Tell me this woman doesn't look like the party animal of ALL TIME!
Jane was in an episode of DHARMA & GREG that I directed and she was fine the first two days. Then I saw her and Jenna Elfman sharing a Pixie Stix and well, we know what happened to poor Jenna. She became a Scientologist. I thought Jane was going to get off scot-free but I guess not. If only I had stopped them.

I’m thinking of holding another Sitcom Room seminar sometime in the fall. If you’d like to be notified first when there are updates please click here. If you just want more info on what it’s all about, this is where you click. Either way, thanks.

The best new show in America this summer comes from England. JEKYLL on BBC America. It’s chilling, compelling, and was written by a comedy writer – Steven Moffat who also created the brilliant COUPLING. Lines like this: Mr. Hyde -- “Have you ever killed anyone? It’s like sex but there’s a winner.”

And it features Michelle Ryan (pictured above -- you can't miss her) who will play THE BIONIC WOMAN this season. Suddenly I'm looking forward to that show.

And speaking of Jolly Olde -- Ed Harris had a “hissy fit” and was detained for hours at Heathrow airport in London when they wouldn’t let him bring a small knife on the plane. Excuse me but do actors live by a different set of rules than the rest of the population of the planet? Security measures apply to all international citizens unless they starred in THE HUMAN STAIN?

Jon Miller of the Giants did a great call of Barry Bond's historic home run. It was replayed often. But only a portion was used -- just the hit itself. He had prefaced it with some great background, tying in former Giant greats and home run champions. None of that was replayed. So I suggested this should have been his call:

"There's a Ruthian drive McCovey would be proud of...it's going...just like the record of the great Hank Aaron...going...Mays in his heyday couldn't run it down...going...it's Jose Pa-GAN!!!!!"

Jon promised to call me when A-Rod gets close.

Sorry to see that Hal Fishman passed away. Hal was a local news anchor on KTLA Channel 5 in Los Angeles for over thirty years. He had a very unique approach. He just reported the news. We’ll never see his kind again.

Oh God, they just delivered a case of Pixie Stix to Jane's house.

Larry “Sideshow” Seidlin (pictured right), the wisecracking yet not-afraid-to-cry judge in the Anna Nicole case is doing a pilot for his own TV show. I love LA! If it goes, the coroner has a variety show he’ll be peddling around town.

More Jack Benny remembrances this weekend. I love you people for loving him.

The next time you watch ENTOURAGE and laugh at Ari Gold and think that character is such a funny exaggeration, just know that the real Ari (Emanuel) heads up the endeavor agency and this week they dumped 25% of their clients – writers, directors, actors. Endeavor now wishes to just represent “the best of the best”. Yeah, that Ari is a stitch!

And finally…

Telemundo’s ratings went up when it was discovered one of their anchors was having an affair with the mayor of Los Angeles. CBS is trying to get Katie Couric to sleep with Bush. It was explained to her this way: “It’s like sex but with a winner.”

Jack Benny

In the summer of 65 the Beatles were playing at the Hollywood Bowl. I had a chance to get a ticket but passed because it conflicted with another show I wanted to see more – Jack Benny was at the Sahara’s Hotel in Vegas.

Jack Benny is my comedy God. He’s been gone for over thirty years, comedy has evolved and changed since then but he remains my inspiration. And it’s hard to explain why if you’re not already familiar with him. For the most part he just stood stiffly on a stage. He rarely told jokes. He never did impressions. And yet no one could make me laugh like Jack Benny.

If the secret of comedy is timing, Jack Benny was the master. He could get a two minute sustained laugh from just a reaction – ON THE RADIO.

He started in vaudeville, hosted a top rated weekly radio program in the 30s and 40s, then moved seamlessly into television. He created a very specific persona for himself. Benny was supposedly very cheap. (In truth he was anything but.) He kept his money buried below his house in a vault with enough safeguards to keep Indiana Jones out. He was vain. Whenever asked, he claimed he was always 39. He considered himself as a virtuoso violinist although his playing sounded like a cat being tortured.

Furthermore, Benny created a whole world around him – much like SEINFELD. Wherever he went he seemed to be harassed by the same goofy characters. It was as if there was a conspiracy. His reaction to all of this, his exasperation and unflagging comic dignity made it all hysterically funny.

Unlike Robin Williams who would suck the air out of any room, Benny was extremely generous when it came to his supporting cast. Most of the time they had the big jokes and often at his expense. Even from “Rochester”, a black butler, pretty groundbreaking in those unenlightened days.

He was respectful and appreciative of his writers as well. Most stayed with him for over twenty years.

There’s one episode of his radio show that I think perfectly captures just who Jack Benny was. You’re on a bus being given a tour of Hollywood. For a half hour the driver points out various stars homes along with funny remarks and observations. Finally, 25 minutes into the program he announces, “Here is the home of Mr. Jack Benny.” Benny then says, “Driver, this is where I get off.” The next four minutes is just laughter. Jack had one line the entire show. But it was so set up by the world and the character he played.

Here are two examples of Jack Benny. The first features Frank Nelson as a department store floorwalker. Wherever Benny went he would encounter this guy.



And here's Groucho guesting on his show. At the time, Groucho hosted a weekly quiz show called YOU BET YOUR LIFE. In this sketch Benny poses as a contestant.



I made the right choice. That night at Sahara's he was sensational. No one who went to the Beatles concert could hear a note.

Hairspray

I think for my next movie project I’d like to develop a white version of THE WIZ. Movies become musicals then become movies of the musicals. Why not a movie of the movie of the musical of the movie?

Backing up one step we have HAIRSPRAY. Less warped (and delicious) than the original John Waters movie, and greater in scope than the 2002 Tony winning musical, HAIRSPRAY: the current movie is better in some cases than its predecessors and not as good in others.

Overall though, it’s infectious fun. Bouncy, catchy early 60's tunes. (Where are Bobby Rydell & Lesley Gore when we need them?) And unlike RENT, you don’t cringe when people break into song. (Of course that could be because they sing about waking up in Baltimore not getting AIDS.) What the movie lacks is the excitement of seeing it live and really getting swept up in the music. On the other hand, I saw the film at a WGA screening so I was the youngest person there by 40 years. Maybe your theater-going experience will be different.

The two big problems with adapting musicals for the bigscreen are how do you open it up, and who do you cast? Director Adam Shankman and screenwriter Leslie Dixon did a great job clearing the first hurdle. Since the piece was so stylized to begin with you have no trouble buying dance numbers in the street. It’s not like the film of WEST SIDE STORY where these bad ass gang members are all prancing around and pirouetting in urban war zones. And expanding the Allison Janney character was inspired. She stole every scene she was in.

Casting the adaptation was only partially successful. Hollywood always likes to cast movie stars instead of the Broadway performers. (So what if Natalie Wood and Audrey Hepburn can’t sing? Neither could Clint Eastwood but that didn’t stop him from crooning in PAINT YOUR WAGON.)

But with a youth oriented show, calling CAA makes sense. When they cast the RENT movie with the original off-Broadway cast they all looked 40 (which is because most probably are). Marissa Jaret Winokur, who won a Tony playing the lead, Tracy is now in her mid-30’s. Too old I'm afraid to still play 17. Even Tyne Daly decided not to apply.

Newcomer, Nikki Blonsky was terrific! You fear her future in the business will be playing wacky friends to pretty actresses not as talented but in her one starring role she shined. In general, all the kids were fine. Although, Andrew Rannells who played Link in the Broadway production I saw blew the doors off of Zach Efron.

Amanda Bynes proved it is possible to turn in a good performance without battling drug and alcohol addiction. Who knew?? And Christopher Walken was his usual superb strange self. Currently on Broadway, Jerry Mathers is playing that part. No. I’m not joking. Could you ever in a million years conceive that Beaver Cleaver and Christopher Walken would be playing the same role?

Queen Latifa was fine but not as good as Doris Troy on Broadway. And I’m told she was not as good as Mary Bond Davis who originated the role. If they made the movie today, Jennifer Hudson would play the part. Sure she’s too way young but she has an Oscar. Let's just say she's the right age for the marketing department.

I still can’t get over Clint Eastwood singing in PAINT YOUR WAGON. What were they and he thinking???

Now the bad news: John Travolta. The joke wears thin in like… a minute. And what you’re left with is a guy who can’t sing, has no real flair for comedy, and probably didn't need a fat suit. Here is where Hollywood sacrificed quality for name value. Harvey Fierstein made every line hysterical. The best you can say about John Travolta is that he's a good sport.

On the other end of the spectrum, Michelle Pheiffer was so painfully thin that I didn’t know whether to laugh at her jokes or call 911. It’s hard to enjoy a performance when you’re concerned for an actor’s safety.

But the bottom line is HAIRSPRAY is well worth seeing. Which version is up to you. Personally, I prefer the Broadway production. And after Jerry Mathers leaves maybe he'll be replaced by Don Imus.

Wait a sec -- instead of re-working THE WIZ, maybe I should focus on FROST/NIXON. First it was a TV show turned into a play and now will be a movie. I could turn the movie into a musical and then we could get another movie and maybe if we're lucky, a TV show based on the movie based on the musical based on the movie based on the play based on the TV show.

The 2007 Kenny Awards

There are so many award shows now I figured why not one more? The Kennys – my personal picks for television excellence. Granted, I don’t have the credibility of foreign waiters who decide the Golden Globes but I have even more legitimate credentials – I have a blog. Hopefully next year studios will take out ads.

So anyway, here they are, in no particular order and with no regard to what the TV Academy or anyone else recognizes – the coveted Kenny awards for 2007.

Amazingly, I notice Joan & Melissa Rivers are on my driveway interviewing my mailman. I guess they show up anytime awards are being handed out.

Best Comedy – 30 ROCK

Best Comedy I appreciate more than actually laugh at – THE OFFICE

Best Drama Cable – DEXTER

Best Drama Network – LOST

Best Drama I hear is great but never have watched – THE WIRE

Best Late Night Show – CINEMAX AFTER DARK (I like THE DAILY SHOW too but when given a choice come on, get real.)

Best Daytime Show – MASH reruns

Best Reality Show – INSTANT BEAUTY PAGEANT

Best Animated Show – THE SIMPSONS (Funnier than seasons 18, 13, and 11, on a par with seasons 14, 15, and 10, better than seasons 17 and 12, not as good as season 16, 1-4.)

Best Game Show Host – Pat Kiernan -- pictured left, THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE

Best behind the scenes of SNL show – 30 ROCK (A year ago this would have seemed impossible. It was STUDIO 60's to lose and they did.)

Best Actor in a Drama – Michael C. Hall as DEXTER. (A serial killer you’d be happy to go to dinner with… as long as he’s not cooking.)

Best Guest Actor in a Drama Series – Tim Daly in THE SOPRANOS (No one has given a more accurate portrayal of a screenwriter. He had an alcohol and gambling problem, got hooked up with the mob, got skulled with his “Human-itis” award and finally was shot to death. All that was missing was seeing him walk a picket line.)

Best Lead Actor in a Comedy – Alec Baldwin 30 ROCK. (He’s so good at comedy I now re-watch his dramas and laugh at those too.)

Best Lead Actress in a Comedy -- Feliticy Huffman, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. (To see how good she is, just compare her with any of those other preening hens she shares the screen with.)

Best Supporting Actor in a Drama – Michael Emerson as Ben on LOST (A mesmerizing villain. I watch him and think -- it’s what happened to “Harold” after “Maude” died.)

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy – Jenna Fischer, THE OFFICE. (See this post. I love her… but not in that creepy “ I want to download a line of her dialog and use it as my ringtone” way.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama – Jennifer Carpenter as DEXTER’S sister -- pictured left. (She’s what Holly Hunter tries to be in SAVING GRACE but you can look at her.)

Best Lead Actress in a Drama – Edie Falco, THE SOPRANOS. (Her depth, subtlety, and humanity made her the only truly sympathetic character in the series… along with maybe the hooker Tony banged in Vegas.)

Best Network News anchor – Charles Gibson, ABC (Even though he's not perky).

Best Cable News anchor – Kyra Phillips, CNN -- pictured right. (Yes, I love her but not in that creepy “I want to record her reporting a bus plunge to use as my ringtone” way.)

Best Network Sportscaster – Jon Miller, ESPN (I would watch if he were calling a Tampa Bay Devil Rays/Kansas City Royals game in September. Okay, I’d be comatose through most of it but the parts I was conscious I’d be enthralled.)

Best Series Finale – it was the show where they --

The Real Don Steele

The Real Don Steele was larger than life. For thirty years he ruled the Los Angeles airwaves, most notably on 93/KHJ “Boss Radio” in the 60’s and 70’s. Outrageous, electrifying, thrilling – that was Real on…and OFF the air.

Typically, after his afternoon show he would go to a Hollywood watering hole, Martoni’s and get plastered. Steele never did anything in moderation. One night Sinatra walked in with his fierce bodyguards and disappeared into a back room. Steele wanted to meet him. The others at his table told him it was a bad idea, Sinatra never liked intrusions, and he was in no condition to meet anybody. That didn’t stop Steele.

He marched into the back room where Sinatra was now eating, surrounded by his henchmen. Frank looked up and was startled. Steele stood before him and in his loudest booming voice began singing “Strangers in the Night”. Then, after one chorus, passed out face first in Sinatra’s pasta.

Talk to anyone who knew and loved him. They have a hundred of their own stories, each as good or better.

The Real Don Steele passed away ten years ago today. He was only 61 (although the way he lived it was closer to 108). There is a tribute website that features pictures, and a few samples of his work. If you want to hear the greatest cookin’ jock to ever crack a mic in the heyday of top 40, check him out.

Real also appeared in some highly prestigious films such as EATING RAOUL, DEATH RACE 2000 (starring Sylvester Stallone), ROCK N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, and Ron Howard’s first directing effort, GRAND THEFT AUTO. Television credits are equally as impressive: TALES FROM THE CRYPT and HERE COMES THE BRIDES.

I had the pleasure of working with him at two radio stations, K100 and TenQ in LA in the 70’s. He also fell off my couch stinking drunk one night and my wife still invited him to dinner again.

His catch phrase was “Tina Delgado is alive, ALIVE!” shouted by some unknown frenzied girl. No one ever knew the story behind it -- who Tina Degado was or how he came to use it. Even what the hell it meant. But it didn’t matter. It was all part of the excitement this larger-than-life personality created for “the magnificent megalopolis of Boss Angeles” three hours every day…and especially on “Fractious Fridays”.

His birthday was April 1st, I wish that maybe his passing is just an April’s Fool joke. That would be so like him. And at 3:00 I could turn on the radio, “Devil with a Blue Dress” by Mitch Ryder would come blazing out of my speaker and I would hear “The Real Don Steele is alive, ALIVE!”

He is in my heart. And always will be.

Thanks to Nancy Plum for the following montage from the first day of TenQ. In the bottom left photo that's me standing behind Steele.

My favorite comedy screenplays

Someone asked me to list my top ten favorite comedy screenplays. Fine, as long as I don’t have to do it in order and don’t have to limit myself to ten. These are my favorites, which means these are the movies I wish I had written.

ALL ABOUT EVE – Joseph Mankiewicz. Sharpest dialogue I’ve ever heard. The film is 56 years old and still crackles. Saw it again recently. What a pleasure to watch, especially now during the dumbing down of America.

SOME LIKE IT HOT – Billy Wilder & IAL Diamond. Disproves its classic last lane. Somebody IS perfect.

HEARTBREAK KID – Neil Simon (although the hand of director Elaine May is clearly evident). Jewish men generally love this movie, Jewish women hate it. A young Charles Grodin gives the comic performance of his career. And Eddie Albert (yes, Eddie Albert) will make you laugh out loud. There's a remake coming soon. I shudder to think.

THE LADY EVE – Preston Sturgess, story by Monckton Hoffe & Preston Sturgess. Screwball comedy at its funniest and most sophisticated. Barbara Stanwyck and Henry Fonda – not who you naturally think of as a comedy team but they pull it off with ease.

HIS GIRL FRIDAY – Screenplay by Charles Lederer, based on the play by Ben Hecht & Charles MacArthur. Cary Grant & Rosalind Russell trade quips at a pace that makes WEST WING seem slow. And every word out of their mouths is a gem.

ARTHUR -- Steve Gordon's masterpiece. For more info on Steve and scenes that were cut from his original draft, check out my archives.

TOOTSIE – Larry Gelbart (although fifteen other writers also had a hand in it). If there seems to be a pattern in the comedies I like its men posing as women or “Eve” in the title.

TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN – Woody Allen. This movie was a revelation, especially when you consider that at the time (late 60’s) most “comedies” were lame Doris Day type films.

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN – Mel Brooks & Gene Wilder. “Putting on the Ritz” scene alone puts this in my top ten.

ANNIE HALL -- Woody Allen & Marshall Brickman. For my money the perfect romantic comedy. (How could the same guy write HOLLYWOOD ENDING?)

MOONSTRUCK – John Patrick Shanley. Okay, so there are two perfect romantic comedies.

CHASING AMY – Kevin Smith. Funny, real, pitch perfect, and you actually root for Ben Affleck. Now that’s good writing!

AMERICAN GRAFFITI – George Lucas and Gloria Katz & Willard Huyck. A consistently funny movie that doesn’t even try to be a comedy. And what a soundtrack!

DR. STRANGELOVE – Stanley Kubrick and Peter George and Terry Southern. The perfect black comedy. And there are no other perfect black comedies.

THE PRODUCERS – Mel Brooks. The movie not the movie of the musical based on the movie. That was dreadful.

LA CAGE AUX FOLLES – Jean Poiret, Francis Veber, Edouard Molinaro, Marcello Damon. Even the subtitles were funny.

FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL -- Richard Curtis. Even Andie McDowell couldn't kill this English confection. But boy did she try.

SHOWGIRLS – Joe Eszterhas. So unspeakably terrible on every level that you can’t help but laugh throughout. (Okay, so that’s one I’m glad I didn’t write). It's a tribute to Elizabeth Berkley's talent that after starring in this movie she still has a career.

Everyone is invited to list your favorites. Including VOLUNTEERS is not mandatory.

It's not rocket science... or is it?

Coming Monday: "the Kennys" -- my equivalent of the Emmys but with no intolerable Debbie Allen choreographed production number.

Ben Silverman, new head honcho of NBC spoke to reporters recently at the TV Critics convention and spinfest. He said this: "I want to do it fast and furious. It's really hard to move this massive ship. We left port, we're in a business that is under attack, and we're an inch from an iceberg. We have to move quick, we have to roll up our sleeves and we have to get things done." Could he have worked in any more cliches and catch phrases? Not that he's alone. We're all guilty of talking like endeavor agents occasionally.

THE TELEGRAPH.co.uk had a fabulous contest recently. They invited readers to compose prose crammed with as many infuriating phrases and clichés as possible into no more than 150 words. Here are a few of the winning entries. You are welcome to provide your own as well (although I have no prizes to give you. I’m just a blogger). But I’m sure if my readers proactively put in 110% they can raise the bar to a new level and hit a slam dunk home run.

Mrs J. M. Johnson_To be honest with you, I'm pressurised 24/7. I'm literally in pieces. I surfed the net and sourced a top-dollar lifestyle guru, and he's working with my partner and I, prioritising issues so that we can team up and address them - know what I mean?
There's things that have to go on the back burner, so that we can jet away to the sun and chill to the max. A few drinks, a few laughs and I'll be firing on all cylinders, like I say. She'll shop until she drops - right? - but if that's what the little lady wants, that's what she'll get. We'll soak up the sun, go with the flow, and come back bronzed and fit. Hopefully, by Christmas, we'll be sorted, and ready to party, party, party big-time - and spend some quality time with the kids, with the turkey and all the trimmings.

****************

Nick Godfrey_I hear what you're saying but, with all due respect, it's not exactly rocket science. Basically, at the end of the day, the fact of the matter is you have got to be able to tick all the boxes. It's not the end of the world, but, to be perfectly honest with you, when push comes to shove, you don't want to be literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. Going forward we need to be singing from the same songsheet but you can't see the wood from the trees. Naturally hindsight is 20/20 vision and you have to take the rough with the smooth before proceeding onwards and upwards. The bottom line is you wear your heart on your sleeve and, when all is said and done, this is all part and parcel of the ongoing bigger picture. C'est la vie (if you know what I mean).

*******************

B.D.Farrant _I don't do competitions. But, at the end of the day, little ol' moi just couldn't resist this challenge. Actually, there's a lot of weather about 2d and moseying down to the shops has soooooo lost its appeal. As a result, there's a window here to think outside the box. Yes, you've got it, it's a blue sky thinking moment. I mean, it's not rocket science, you know. True enough, but let's face facts here, this could so be my conduit to a whole new ball game. Awesome, or what? That's if the judges don't, like, move the goal posts.

*******************

R.G. Banks_Let’s stop obsessing and get down to the nitty gritty of fleshing out the gender issues. John. I’m wanting to hear inclusiveness and ethnicity here. A raft of blue sky thinking to challenge accepted orthodoxies. The bottom line is about empowerment and at the end of the day getting up to speed working 24/7 towards a coalition of understanding through best practice. This can only be fully achieved if the glass ceiling, in inverted commas, is transformed into a level playing field where the goal posts cannot be moved without leaving a substantial carbon footprint which inevitably would consign us all to the expediency of existing between a rock and a hard place. We must pick up the ball and run because we can no longer wait for the smoking gun of the next denial of service attack to consign us all to the wheely bin of history.

Finally! A reply!

Remember a few weeks ago I emailed all my public officials asking their opinion of the Sopranos finale? Finally! I received a reply.

Thank you for taking the time to send your request to Governor Schwarzenegger. The Governor has asked that we reply on his behalf.

As we hope you understand, the Governor receives many similar requests, and although he would like to fulfill each one, his busy schedule simply does not permit it.

Again, thank you for contacting the Governor’s Office.

Sincerely,


Office of Constituent Affairs

So I guess a lot of people have asked him his opinion of the SOPRANOS finale. He's received many similar requests. Who knew? But at least he responded. Hint hint, Senators Boxer & Feinstein, and Chief Justice Roberts.

The CHEERS names not everybody knows

After yesterday's mention of Al Rosen I received a lot of comments about him and some of the other CHEERS regulars you often saw, occasionally heard, but never knew who they were. I posted on this about a year ago but it's worth bringing back and updating.

First up is Al Rosen -- the old rummy. I couldn't find a picture of him otherwise I'd include it. Al was really a championship TV wrestler back in the 50’s. He was the MAN WHO SAID SINATRA. Al sometimes needed two or three or eight takes to get his line right but it was always worth it. In one episode we wrote that someone referenced in the comments (“the Big Kiss Off”), he was supposed to come out of the back and deliver a joke. The first two takes he went up on the line. The third take he was perfect and got a big laugh. One problem though. In the first two takes he enters holding a drink. In the third he doesn’t but is holding his hand as if he DID have a drink in it. It looks totally bizarre, but we went with it because he got the line right. If you have the DVD check it out.

The older gentleman always referred to as Phil -- that’s Phil Perlman, Rhea’s dad (pictured left). Once we started giving him lines he listed himself in the credits as Philip Perlman.

Tom Babson wound up becoming a semi-regular. Cliff was always ragging on him for attending law school. Tom at various times was listed as “Tom”, “Tom Babson”, “Tom Ballard”, “Customer #1”, and “Barney”. But you may know him from KNOTS LANDING where he played “Man”.

In the later years, “Paul” also became a semi regular. He’s Paul Willson (pictured right), a gifted comic actor and one of the greatest improv artists I have EVER seen. I put him up there with Robin Williams. I feel bad for Paul because we finally built an episode around him but it was the second to the last one of the series. He pops up on a lot of shows. Always funny.

One of the great sports columnists of all-time, Alan Malamud, sat at the bar for eight or nine shows. Local LA sportscaster, Steve Bailey, had a drink from time to time, as well.

I show up in only one scene in one episode, the last Bar Wars.

All of the customers hoped that their parts would expand and become a series regulars as what happened with John Ratzenberger and George Wendt. It was never to be.

And then there’s the bar patron who was supposed to be a series regular and wound up as just an extra. In the pilot from time to time you see an old woman in the background. This was “Mrs. Littlefield”, a colorful politically opinionated spinster. She had a number of lines in the pilot. But the show was long, her character didn’t really score, and her part was cut. All that remains are a few shots of her here and there.

And finally, in a few episodes my father plays an extra. You’ll see him hitting on 25 year old women. My idea. You're welcome, dad.