I miss NBC WEEK

The networks are rolling out their new fall shows.

I think.

The premieres are scattered; some not even airing in their regular time slots. Or they premiere and are re-run later that same week. Or re-run on a sister cable network.

Some shows premiered in August. Others will debut after the World Series (which is now what, Christmas?).

And many shows now have two premieres. This is primarily a cable convention. A series is on for six weeks in the summer and then returns in January.

A few network series don’t even premiere on television. They get sneak previewed online. I once got a DVD of some new show in my ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY.

And the notion of the Fall Season itself is becoming antiquated. Shows are premiering all year long. What’s a TV nerd to do?

This is understandable, of course. With the current dizzying number of channels and series, anything conventional or unconventional a network can do to scare up an audience is good programming.

But what’s lost in all of this is the “event” status that the Fall Season used to have. Back in the Pleistocene Era when there were just three networks (there’s a real good book about life in the ‘60s written by… oh wait – that’s my book). Shows premiered only twice a year – the Fall and Mid-Season (January). New programming in the summer was either “Failure Theater” (airing the pilots they didn’t pick up) and variety shows hosted by guys hoping to snare a regular slot (some like Johnny Cash made it, others like John Gary didn’t).

There was great anticipation for the Fall Season. Promos ran all summer. And by promos I mean fifteen seconds, not the movie trailers we see today.

By September we were whipped into an utter frenzy. Only two weeks left before the world premiere of CAMP RUNAMUCK! How will I last that long?  After a summer of interminable reruns, suddenly there was NEW STUFF again! Oh, the joy!

Of the three networks, no one did premieres better than NBC. First off, you have to really use your imagination to picture NBC as a major influential network but it once was. And they billed their rollout as NBC WEEK. All of their shows – new or returning – premiered over one seven-day period in mid-September. You knew the date as well as your birthday.

They also offered a written program – like a yearbook – that you could send away for. Uber geek that I was (am) I used to send away for that sucker every year. There were big color pictures of all their new shows. Wow! PLEASE DON’T EAT THE DAISIES! I would pour through those pages with awe and wonder. 90 BRISTOL COURT – three sitcoms set in the same complex. What a concept!! (Forget that two were canceled by January.)

In a way, I think the anticipation made the shows seem better than they actually were. I call this the “Dark Knight Rises Syndrome.” But there were usually enough cool new shows that NBC WEEK was never a disappointment. It’s not like the Oscars.

Today I don’t even bother to watch premieres. Most are so dreadful anyway. Jami Gertz moves into a neighborhood of space aliens. No thanks. If a show is good and gets decent buzz I will catch up with ON DEMAND or find it online. But I miss the days when the Fall Season was important to me. On the other hand, spending an afternoon studying a glossy multi-page brochure for NBC WEEK is the true definition of “Get a Life.”

Remembering Larry Gelbart

As if 9/11 wasn't already the bleakest day in modern history, three years ago on that date Larry Gelbart passed away.  He was 81.   He was a dear friend, mentor, and inspiration.   Thought I'd share with you again my thoughts on Larry. 

In addition to everything else, he wrote beautiful eulogies. With his flair for words and wit and warmth he constructed eloquent touching tributes. I used to kid him that he had to live forever because no one else could write them as well. And now I find myself in the agonizing position of trying to write his. First off, let me say, it won’t be as good.

So rather than tell you what you probably already know – that he was the Mozart of comedy writing and recipient of every honor but the Heisman Trophy – I’ll try to share some things you might not know; some personal stories.

In many ways the hardest part of writing scripts is turning them in. Because then you have to wait. And wait. And wait. It’s a stomach churning exercise filled with angst and insecurity and flashbacks of high school. After a day you’re an utter basket case. After a week you’re confessing to crimes you didn’t even commit.

When you turned in a script to Larry at 5:30 he called you at home to say he loved it… at 6:30. The first Rolaid hadn’t even dissolved in your stomach yet. Trust me, this is unheard of. But that was Larry. Empathetic, considerate, a mensch. He was the kindest man in an industry that seriously frowns on that sort of thing. Fortunately, he had the talent to overcome it.

And despite his enormous success, he was just as human as the rest of us mere boulevardrd farcitiers. He arranged for house seats for my wife and I to see the original production of SLY FOX. Jacqueline Kennedy was sitting next to me. When I called the next day to thank him and tell him who was sitting on my left, he got very nervous. “Did she like it? Did she laugh? Which jokes?” He was thrilled to learn she did laugh, and I’d like to think thrilled that my wife and I laughed too but probably more Jackie. After all, she paid for her seat.

I mentioned one day in a rewrite that my favorite MASH episode was “the More I See You” with Blythe Danner guesting as Hawkeye’s former flame. A few days later I received a gift. In those days Larry used to write his scripts longhand on legal pads. He gave me a Xeroxed copy of his original first draft. And the Mozart comparison continues. There were no cross-outs. Every line was perfectly constructed. Emotion and humor flowed from speech to speech with absolute ease. How does one do that? It’s impossible! That draft (now bound) remains one of my most cherished possessions.

And by the way, he could write an entire MASH script in one night. He was incredibly fast. Stanley Donan was going to direct a movie called BLAME IT ON RIO. He was not happy with the draft his writer had ,turned in and asked Larry if as a favor, he’d read it and offer his suggestions. Larry said sure (Larry always said sure). The script was delivered to him Friday at 5:30. No, he didn’t call back with his reaction at 6:30. He waited until Monday morning. But he said he had so many problems with it that instead of just scribbling down some notes he took the liberty of REWRITING the whole screenplay himself. Unbelievable. Even Mozart didn’t compose an opera over the weekend. Larry said use what you like. Donan used every word.

A similar story: For rewrites we would dictate to our assistant, Ruth, who was lightening quick. There was a big Radar speech. Larry started pitching and was just on fire. We were in stitches. Ruth broke in, telling him to slow down. Even she couldn’t write that fast. Larry said, “Just get half” and kept going. The half she didn’t get was better than anything else on television.

Larry always sent thank you notes. Larry always dropped you a line wishing you well on your upcoming project. Larry always returned phone calls. Larry always emailed you right back. Larry even left comments on my blog. I half expect a thank you note for this essay.

His legacy will last forever. His work was timeless, universal, steeped in humanity, and brilliant. MASH will always air eight times a night, TOOTSIE and OH GOD! will forever be on your screens (be they 64” plasmas or 2” iPods), FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM, and CITY OF ANGELS will be revived as long as there are stages.

Like any screenwriter, Larry had drawers and drawers of unproduced or unsold or unfinished projects. In June he just had a reading of a pilot he conceived. Last year he mounted a play in Chicago he was shepherding to Broadway. At the time of his death he was adapting one of his films into a musical and one of his musicals into a film. So yes, he left behind an amazing body of work but still we “just got half”.

Many people who knew him felt that Hawkeye Pierce was an idealized version of Larry. I’d like to think one of his other character creations was a more accurate representation of just who he was. God.

Enjoy the work of Larry Gelbart. You will laugh until you hurt. And for those of us who were blessed to have known him, we will hurt until we laugh.

9/11 and David & Lynn Angell

I re-post this every year on this date.
9/11 affected us all, profoundly and in many cases personally. Two of my dear friends were on flight 11. David and Lynn Angell. There hasn’t been a day I haven’t thought of them, missed them, and not felt grateful that they were in my life.

David and I worked together on CHEERS, WINGS, and FRASIER (the latter two he co-created). We used to call him the “dean”. In his quiet way he was the one we always looked to for final approval of a line or a story direction. He brought a warmth and humanity to his writing that hopefully rubbed off on the rest of us “schickmeisters”. And he could be funny – sneaky funny. During long rewrite sessions he tended to be quiet. Maybe two or three times a night he’d pitch a joke – but they were always the funniest jokes of the script.

For those of you hoping to become comedy writers yourselves, let David Angell be your inspiration. Before breaking in he worked in the U.S. Army, the Pentagon, an insurance firm, an engineering company, and then when he finally moved out to L.A. he did “virtually every temp job known to man” for five years. Sometimes even the greatest talents take awhile to be recognized.

I first met David the first season of CHEERS. He came in to pitch some stories. He had been recommended after writing a good NEWHART episode. This shy quiet man who looked more like a quantum physics professor than a comedy writer, slinked into the room, mumbled through his story pitches, and we all thought, “is this the right guy? He sure doesn’t seem funny.” Still, he was given an assignment (“Pick a con…any con”) and when the script came back everyone was just blown away. He was quickly given a second assignment (“Someone single, someone blue”) and that draft came back even better. I think the first order of business for the next season was to hire David Angell on staff.

After 9/11, David’s partners Peter Casey & David Lee called me and my partner into their office. There was a FRASIER script David Angell was about to write. (It was the one where Lilith’s brother arrived in a wheelchair and became an evangelist. Michael Keaton played the part.) Peter & David asked if we would write it and for me that was a greater honor than even winning an Emmy.

David’s wife, Lynn, was also an inspiration. She devoted her life to helping others – tirelessly working on creating a children’s library and a center that serves abused children.

My heart goes out to their families. To all of the families.

I still can’t wrap my mind around it.

So tragic, so senseless, and even eleven years later, so inconceivable.

Gilbert Godfried reads 50 SHADES OF GREY

As a postscript to today's post on bad sex writing -- how about some bad sex reading?    And to think I recorded my own audiobook instead of getting this guy. 

WARNING:  X-Rated language.  Not that that will stop you. 

Bad sex writing... or rotten erotica

WARNING: SEXUAL CONTENT AND NAUGHTY WORDS!

With FIFTY SHADES OF GREY such a huge sensation, erotic fiction is the zeitgeist of the day (or is it night?. Not that erotica was ever out of favor per se (I’m sure Erica Jong still outsells George Will), but now more than ever the genre is selling through the roof.

I have never written this form of literature. Not even in an AfterMASH script. Every year some organization comes out with a list of the worst sex scenes in novels and they are excruciatingly uproarious. And it’s sooo easy to fall into that trap. You try to create this turgid mood and be descriptive, but you also try to be original – find new ways to convey sexual acts. Which can lead to a passage like this:

From Ed King by David Guterson:

"In the shower, Ed stood with his hands at the back of his head, like someone just arrested, while she abused him with a bar of soap. After a while he shut his eyes, and Diane, wielding her fingernails now and staring at his face, helped him out with two practiced hands, one squeezing the family jewels, the other vigorous with the soap-and-warm-water treatment. It didn't take long for the beautiful and perfect Ed King to ejaculate for the fifth time in twelve hours, while looking like Roman public-bath statuary. Then they rinsed, dried, dressed, and went to an expensive restaurant for lunch."

Yikes!  And major authors are not immune from writing truly klutzy sex scenes. The great John Updike:

She said nothing then, her lovely mouth otherwise engaged, until he came, all over her face. She had gagged, and moved him outside her lips, rubbing his spurting glans across her cheeks and chin. He had wanted to cry out, sitting up as if jolted by electricity as the spurts, the deep throbs rooted in his asshole, continued, but he didn't know what name to call her. 'Mrs Rougement' was the name he had always known her by.

I’m not sure if I could write one of these passages without a voice in the back of my head saying, “This is the Springtime for Hitler of sex scenes.”

Several renown romance writers read this blog. Somehow they know how to walk that fine line between erotica and Letters to HUSTLER. So some questions to them (and you):

How do you avoid cliches?

Is it possible to write a sexy novel without using the word throbbing at least once?

Comedy writers rarely laugh at what they’ve written. Do romance writers get turned on by their work?

Do editors give you a lot of notes? If this was television, you’d be getting notes like, “Do we like him when he chains her naked to his car?” “Instead of an ice cube, could she use a cold pack?”

Do you need to get in the mood? With my training in television where we're always up against a deadline, I’ve learned to just sit down and crank it out. Can you do that with erotica? Can you drop off the dog to the groomer, pick up the cleaning, come home, empty the dishwasher, then sit down and write TROPIC OF CANCER?

At what point do you realize that imagery is not your friend?

What do you think of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY?

Those are few things I’ve wondered about. Let me know if any erotica writer has a blog with Friday Questions.

But it’s definitely an art. A good sex scene can get you really aroused. More than just watching porn, written material taps into your imagination and can heighten the experience. Unfortunately, if not written well, you’re left with this.

Here are a few more samples of scenes that make me laugh, cringe, and worry I couldn’t write any better:

From Sashenka, by Simon Montefiore:

His hands pulled her dress off her shoulders and he buried his face in her neck, then her hair, scooping up between her legs. He pulled down her brassiere, cupping her breasts, sighing in bliss. 'The blue veins are divine,' he whispered. And in that moment, a lifetime of unease about this ugly feature of her body was replaced with satisfaction. He licked them, circling her nipples hungrily. Then he disappeared up her skirt.

From To Love, Honour and Betray, by Kathy Lette

I kissed his mouth ravenously, devouring his neck, earlobes, chest. He broke free with muscular ease, unhooked my bra with composed expertise, found my nipple and flicked his tongue back and forth until it went hard. His towel fell away. Sebastian's erect member was so big I mistook it for some sort of monument in the centre of a town.

And finally, from another not-too-shabby writer, Paul Theroux:

'Baby.' She took my head in both hands and guided it downward, between her fragrant thighs. 'Yoni puja - pray, pray at my portal.'  She was holding my head, murmuring 'Pray,' and I did so, beseeching her with my mouth and tongue, my licking a primitive form of language in a simple prayer. It had always worked before, a language she had taught me herself, the warm muffled tongue.

You've got to see this video

This must've taken weeks! Thanks to deft editing, the MAD MEN cast performs Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up."

Everything you wanted to know about the CHEERS "Bar Wars"

I get a lot of questions about the “Bar Wars” episodes of CHEERS that my writing partner, David Isaacs and I wrote. So here are the FAQ’s.

Did we purposely plan for the Cheers gang to lose every time?

Yes. Except for the last one. Frustration is much funnier than victory. The trick however, was to find different ways for them to lose – or screw themselves. Guess I grew up watching too many Road Runner cartoons.

What about the last Bar Wars in the final season?

Ultimately, we decided to not only let Cheers win but to demolish Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern once and for all. We’re nothing if not vengeful. Trivia note: That is the only episode of CHEERS that I appear in. I’m sitting at the bar in an early scene.

Who played Gary?

The answer is: which time? We had two actors who played Gary, in no particular order. The first time the character appeared, Joe Polis played him in a 1985 episode called “From Beer to Eternity”. When we wrote the first Bar Wars episode Joe wasn’t available. It was the very end of the season. We had no other scripts so we just had to recast. Robert Desiderio became Gary. For Bar Wars II we went back to Joe Polis and used him one other time. Otherwise, it was Robert Desiderio. Confusing? I don’t understand why we did it either. Hopefully this mystery will be tackled in the sequel to the DA VINCI CODE.

What is your favorite Bar Wars episode?

Bar Wars V. My partner came up with this idea. Sam’s prank kills Gary. Or at least that’s what Sam thinks. If you can’t get laughs with a man digging up a grave you’re not a comedy writer.

What is your least favorite Bar Wars episode?

Bar Wars VI. The gang thinks a wise guy buys Gary’s bar so a prank unleashes the Mafia after them. We were reaching. And sometimes too clever for our own good. In Bar Wars II, there’s a Bloody Mary contest. I mentioned this last Thursday.  We had too many twists and turns. By the end I think there were maybe six too many. It was the BIG SLEEP of Bar Wars episodes – no one alive can tell you exactly what happened.

Was it hard to plot these episodes?

Yes. Very. These episodes were a bitch to conceive and then hard to write because there was always so much story. By nature, exposition and set ups are not inherently funny and entertaining. We had to pull a lot of jokes out of nowhere.

What was your favorite gag?

Filling Rebecca’s office with sheep. That’s the power of being a writer. You come up with a goofy idea. And voila, there are fifty sheep being herded onto the set. I’m sure the guy who came up with snakes on the plane had the same heady feeling.

There are some Bar Wars type episodes not called Bar Wars. How come?

Those were episodes not originally designed to be bar wars but evolved into them. Or they were competitions not practical joke wars, per se. In other words, I dunno. I’m still trying to figure out BAR WARS II.

And finally, are you that diabolical?

Let’s just say I hope you’re not allergic to sheep.

Great minds plot alike

Am I the only one who noticed that the big concluding scene of THE NEWSROOM and SUITS was the exact same scene? I’ve held off writing this post for several weeks, giving you all ample time to catch up on the them on your DVR’s. But if you still haven’t seen them then SPOILER ALERT.

What’s fascinating to me is that this is obviously a coincidence. Both shows are extremely well-written, both shows are very clever, and I don’t even think they’re written on the same coast. They’re on two different networks so the odds that either had a chance to see the other before it aired are remote at best.

And yet, both scenes were so identical it was somewhat eerie.

Here’s the situation: In SUITS, ace lawyer Harvey is about to be fired for taking drugs. In THE NEWSROOM, ace anchor Will is about to be fired for taking drugs. They’re both going before the big board of directors. They both have an ally (Charlie in THE NEWSROOM, Jessica in SUITS). They both admit to taking drugs. They’re both fired.

But wait. They both have cards to play. They both have knowledge of wrongdoing from the corporate head that could explode into a big scandal. At first the charges are denied. Will and Harvey both have proof.

A manila envelope is slapped down on the boardroom table. Inside contains all the hard evidence that is needed. The evil-doers are trapped. They admit their indiscretions. The bad apples are weeded out. Will and Harvey keep their jobs. They use this smoking gun info as leverage to negotiate favorable terms for themselves in lieu of going public with the info. The day is saved.

And then there’s one final twist. They were both bluffing. The info in the envelopes were not the necessary proof. But by then the bad guys had confessed to their crimes.

Sounds like the same scene to me. The point is: it happens. I’m sure neither show plans to sue the other. Sure, they could use the manila envelope trick, but in this case I don’t think it’s going to work.

Telling an actress she needs plastic surgery

As always, thanks for the Friday Questions. Here are a few answers and a visual aid.

Jim S. gets us started:

You mentioned that a network might demand an old pro hook up with a novice who created a show. Do you think that is wise, or is it just suits justifying their jobs? Do young guns resent that or are they grateful for the help?

It depends on the individual case. When a network picks up a show from an untested showrunner they’re really rolling the dice. Remember, a lot of money is on the line. If a show implodes millions of dollars are lost.

So why do networks do it? The advantage of a somewhat novice is that he brings the potential of a fresh new voice. And you occasionally strike gold. Larry David is the supreme example.

The “old pros” by comparison, will often bring recycled ideas and methods to the dance.

When the two collaborate there usually are problems. Not always, but more often than not. The young creator can feel that the pro is taking over his show. The pro can feel threatened by the young creator, or resent having to be in this position. Once upon a time the pro created his own shows. Now he’s babysitting some wunderkind.

And of course the sensibilities could clash.

But in the best case scenario, the pro provides stability and experience that allows that young writer to follow his vision. I’ll give you an example of it working:

When my writing partner, David Isaacs and I had a development deal at Paramount, a talented writer who had never run her own show came to us with an idea we really liked. The three of us just clicked immediately. The result was ALMOST PERFECT and the writer was Robin Schiff. It became a great three-way equal partnership where the sum total was greater than the three parts. So it can work. But it’s like that with all arranged three-way marriages.

Marty Fufkin asks a somewhat loaded question:

If you have an actress on your show who wants to get a nose job or other cosmetic procedures, would you advise against it or just let her do as she wishes?

Do that only if you have a death wish. Mere wardrobe or hair suggestions can cause World War III.

In truth, rarely will an actress make any drastic cosmetic changes during the course of a series. Although an actress on one show underwent breast reduction surgery during one off-season. And in her case, let’s just say those breasts were her major asset. No, I won’t tell you who it was. She had good reason to do it, was experiencing bad back pain, etc., but I think it’s fair to say that I and everyone else missed them.

Personally, I don't recommend having that conversation with an actor. That said, I would give anything to see a producer tell Teri Hatcher she should consider a little facial touch-up.

Matt asks:

I am assuming that every writer wants every episode they write to be as great as it can be. However, when the network wants a special episode to promote, such as a 100th episode to be even better, how do you handle it (outside of the clip show)?

Do you try to save the best jokes for that episode?

Do you try to end a story arc on that episode?

Do you just ignore the network and make every episode as great as it can be?

First off, we never save jokes. We try to find the best jokes we can for every episode. And I won’t even save my “best jokes” for my episodes. When I’m rewriting someone else’s script, even though I won’t get writing credit, I still push myself to write the best jokes I can.

Generally, for a “special” episode, there will be some big event in the series (like a wedding) or stunt casting.

David and I wrote the 100th episode of BECKER and we slipped in “100” in the show as many ways as we could.  It was our way of making note of the occasion without making it a big deal.  Here's the episode.  I also directed it.  See what you think. 

My Good Day LA appearance

From this morning. On with Steve Edwards and Lauren Sanchez. I was somewhat thrown by the fact that the people interviewing me actually read my book, but hopefully I hid it well. Thanks to everyone at Good Day LA!   Here's where you can go to actually get the book and hear what I really think of Neil Young.
Los Angeles Local News, Weather, and Traffic

What the fuck is happening here?

Been spending the week catching up on shows I had DVR’ed while on the road. Mostly cable hour dramas. (What else is on in the summer?) I’m starting to notice an annoying trend that is beginning to concern me – shows are trying to be way too clever for their own good.

Case in point: caught an episode of WHITE COLLAR. The plot involved a spy ring from the Revolutionary War that has reformed. Along the way, people were calling each other by numbers based on which Revolutionary War hero they were a descendent of. There was a McGuffin (an original American flag), twists, turns, and red herrings. And to make matters worse, somehow the existence of this spy ring tied into a main character trying to reconcile his relationship with his absentee parents. It was part DA VINCI CODE part MALTESE FALCON part ANNIE. All in forty-something minutes because the hour was loaded with commercials and desperate pleas to visit their website. 

What it really was was a complete utter mess. The story was impossible to follow. Pages and pages were devoted to exposition trying to get the audience on board but the explanations were even more arcane than the action. There were coordinates, codes to be broken, treasure maps, clues, and the whole while I just kept saying, WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE?

Then there was an episode of PERCEPTION with Eric McCormick. In this plot a man’s wife disappears. At first it’s thought the Russian mob was behind it. Then we learn the husband had an affair. Then we learn that the husband was having the affair with his wife but didn’t know it. Then we find out the wife wasn’t the person murdered. Then we find out that the wife became the housekeeper and someone else posed as the wife. It was this friend, who was in cahoots with either the real wife or the real housekeeper who died. Tossed in for fun was a scene where someone from the Russian mob threatens McCormick to get off the case or else, and we learn he sometimes has hallucinations. So that scene was just in his head. Again, I’m crying out WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE?

I applaud that showrunners are trying to tell ambitious intricate stories, but there is a real danger that you can overdo it. The trap writing staffs fall into is that they discuss these stories for days and weeks. So it’s not confusing to them (hopefully). They try their best to lay in the exposition. And on paper it all makes sense. The problem is they’re too close to it.

The viewer is coming at it fresh.  The scenes and explanations fly by so fast nothing lands.  And if the viewers are baffled they eventually go away. Maybe not at first if they like the characters but keep doing it and eventually they’ll throw up their hands and say it's not worth the effort. In the case of PERCEPTION that’s me already. I’ve jumped off the train.  And I like Eric McCormick. 

Look, I've been guilty of that myself.  The CHEERS "Bar Wars II" episode about the Bloody Mary contest can only be followed if watched in slow motion.   Hopefully, in the subsequent Bar Wars episodes we learned our lesson.

I’m not suggesting you do stories so mind-numbingly simple even the cast of JERSEY SHORE can follow. Keep trying to find unique areas (if there really was a Revolutionary War spy ring I didn’t know that and find it interesting), but maybe leave out the last seven twists. At least the last four.  There's enough gunfire in these shows without having to shoot yourself in the foot. 

Remember, the USA Network’s slogan is: CHARACTERS WELCOME. It’s not WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE?

The rain, the park, and other things

This is part two of my recent travelogue.  Part one is here.  And more photos are here.

Rendezvoused with my son Matt in Chicago. The first night we went for steak at Gibson’s on Rush Street in what locals call “the Viagra Triangle.” Had the two-artery special. These folks know how to cook cows.

Stayed at the Westin hotel known for it’s great urinals. In fact, a longtime big league announcer bought one for his home and had the hotel measure its exact height from the ground. That must’ve been an interesting “How can I help you?” call.

But we sure picked the right weekend to stay at the Westin because it was the site of the annual Arthur Murray Dance-o-Rama! Everyone dressed in costume. It was like the seniors’ version of Comic-com. A guy in full cowboy regalia with spurs stepped onto the elevator with me. And I don’t know where that Latin dance team from Omaha got their Gaucho get-ups but I’m guessing the Zorro gift shop at Disneyland.

Hawked my book on the WGN-9 Mid-Day News. The station is God knows where. Certainly the cab driver didn’t have a clue. Drove by Wrigley Field and I think Wisconsin. Following my segment Jane Seymour hawked her art. I know Jane; directed her in DHARMA & GREG. She’s one of the sweetest Medicine Women on the planet. She hugged me and better yet, gave me a ride back to the hotel. How many people can say they hobnobbed with Jane Seymour and Jesus Montero in the same day?

Drove by the new Soldier Field. The original façade with the distinctive Doric columns are still in place. But the seating bowl is now a modern state-of-the-art saucer design. So the home of the Chicago Bears now combines the very compatible styles of Greco-Roman architecture with BATTLESTAR GALACTICA..

Played a three-game weekend series with the White Sox at U.S. Cellular Field on the South Side of Chicago. First night there was a shooting on the South Side in an area called “Terror Town” and eight people were whacked. And here’s how rough that neighborhood is -- the Sox won!

The ballpark is in a residential area, mostly large apartment buildings and senior housing. The P.A. announcer asks fans to be considerate and not make excessive noise when leaving the park. Use silencers. Then they shoot off fireworks whenever a White Sox player hits a home run even if it’s1:00 in the morning.

On Saturday Matt and I grabbed a Gino’s pizza then waddled down to Millennium Park. Highlight was this giant mirrored sphere shaped liked a kidney bean called Cloud Gate. Distorted reflections of the city gave the skyline a fun house effect, but it made me look thinner! The Cloud Gate is a marvel of engineering although not nearly as wondrous as the latrines at the Westin.

Sunday was a 1:00 game with a one-hour flight to Minneapolis to follow. Estimated time of arrival: 6:00. My son had a 7:00 PM four-hour flight back to San Jose. He arrived at his destination before we landed at ours. Our game included four hours of rain delays, a loss, and on the way to the airport our equipment truck hit a fire hydrant and broke an axle.

It was raining so hard at the time that if the hydrant burst and water spewed fifty feet into the air, no one would know. Fortunately, our spectacular equipment manager, Ted Walsh, managed to somehow commandeer the Milwaukee Brewers’ truck (that’s like calling around on a Sunday night hoping to find the Hope Diamond or a plumber) and we were able to take off with all our bats and Ben-Gay in tow. But that was after another ninety-minute delay. By the time I got in my room it was 11:30.

The original plan was to share a Bludgeon of Beef from Manny’s Steakhouse with our producer/engineer Kevin Cremin, but we decided perhaps 78 ounces of cow attached to a dinosaur bone at midnight was probably not the best thing to do without writing a suicide note.

Stayed again at the W Hotel in the Foshay Tower in Minneapolis. With the mood lighting and pink and purple fluorescents, the lobby looked like Christian Grey’s Room of Pain.

Made another TV book appearance – this time on KSTP’s “Twin-Cities Live” program, which was broadcasting from the Minnesota State Fair. For sheer Americana, goofiness, and deep-fried everything you just can’t beat a State Fair and Minnesota has one of the best.

I guess walking around a dusty fairgrounds stopping by the Miracle of Birth Center, seeing the Dairy Queens’ busts carved in butter, going on the tractor ride, watching the hog calling contest, shearing sheep, and observing pet surgery performed by members of the Minnesota Veterinary Medical Association can make you hungry for tongue tacos, bacon ice cream, spaghetti on a stick, gators on a stick, cheese curds, a “Yosemite SAMwich”, camel sliders, all-you-can-drink milk, and that one can’t-miss item – lamb fries (which are really testicles). For me, there’s not enough all-you-can-drink milk that could wash down that savory.

The Minnesota State University football coach was arrested on child pornography charges. Seems he took videos of his 9, 8 and 5-year old children dancing nude and had them on his school-issued cellphone. His wife has defended him. Her quote: “My family does what every family does.” Really? Every family? I don’t think so. Even Woody Allen waited until Soon-yi was of proper age.

Target Field, home of the Minnesota Twins, is an absolute showpiece. The limestone, steel, and glass design is unique and elegant. And we happened to be there the four days all season they didn’t need a roof. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig was on hand to announce that Minnesota will host the 2014 All-Star Game. The last time the Twins had an All-Star game was 1985, the year Selig bought that suit he was wearing.

The Mariners won three-of-four and we flew back to Seattle. Landed in time to race over to CenturyLink Field and catch the second half of the crucial pre-season NFL game between the Seakhawks and Oakland Raiders. It was the world’s largest outdoor frat party or political convention. 50,000 crazed pickled fans then staggered out onto the street. I’m guessing 32,000 accidents before they even got out of the parking structures.

The next morning I flew back to Los Angeles, but not before seeing a very suspicious character at Sea-Tac Airport. Middle-Eastern, swarthy, dark beard, turban – all the signs of a terrorist. He was the TSA agent.

Thanks to the Mariners, KIRO, WGN-TV, KSTP-TV, and Jane Seymour for a great trip. Oh, and the Milwaukee Brewers. Without your truck we’d probably still be on the tarmac.

Note:  Again, I invite you to check out my book of travelogues -- WHERE THE HELL AM I?  TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED.  Kindle version is a paltry $3.99.  See the world through really distorted glasses.  

On the road again

Another summer swing calling Mariners games. This one took me to Seattle, Chicago, and Minneapolis. Proving I’m the king of great timing, I arrived in Seattle the day after Felix Hernandez threw his perfect game. But I was there for Hempfest so it’s kind of a push.  This is part one of my travelogue.  The Chicago & Minnesota portions follows tomorrow.  And additional photos were posted yesterday.

My arrival to the Emerald City also brought with it a record heat wave. It reached 95 on August 17th. I think the previous record high for that day was 74. Other than in cars, there’s maybe three air conditioning units and eighteen fans in the entire city. People were plotzing, but none more so than that poor troupe of actors who did Shakespeare in a local park complete with costumes of thick wool and felt. “Heat not a furnace for your foe so hot that it do singe yourself.”

Ironically, the scheduled Mariner giveaway on the hottest night of the year: fleece blankets. Fortunately, by the next night it was 60.

Stayed at the Silver Cloud, which I just assumed was an Indian Casino. Imagine my disappointment when Tony Orlando and Dawn were not headlining. It’s a nice hotel directly across the street from the ballpark. But it’s also near railroad tracks. And by “near” I mean the trains go right through your room. Every night from midnight to two it was like the opening scene of SUPER 8. I tried to take an Ambien but the room shook so hard the pills all flew out of the bottle.

Lots of TV ads of mothers advocating the legalization of marijuana in Washington. Somehow I can’t picture June Cleaver doing those ads. For one thing she’d put Eddie Haskell out of business.

But that was just a small part of Hempfest – a three-day celebration of pot that attracted 150,000 Cheech & Chongs. There were “Legalize Marijuana” rallies, concerts, bong sales, and by the end of the weekend not a bag of Oreos could be found on any market shelf.

My wife Debby joined me for the first weekend. We immediately made a beeline for Japanessa. Their sushi is so awesome and innovative that God Himself uses them to cater His anime festival viewing parties.

Skipped the new Ferris Wheel down by the waterfront. Rides cost $13. For that money you better see Hawaii.

Went to a funky little neighborhood on Lake Union called Fremont that bills itself “the center of the universe.” Their annual Solstice parade features nude cyclists. The town motto is "De Libertas Quirkas" - or, "Free to be Peculiar". The bikini wax shop had a stuffed beaver in the window holding the OPEN sign. Other goofy attractions include “The troll under the bridge” – a large statue of an ogre crushing a Volkswagen (Detroit porn), a chocolate factory – tons of orgasmic free samples (“Fifty Shades of Brown”), a 1950’s cold war rocket, statue of Vladimir Lenin, and a portion of the eleven-foot high Berlin Wall (reminding us of a time when the East-West was sharply divided and taggers were shot).

Lunched at a little bistro that proclaimed: “we believe in animal compassion.” Not sure what that means but the steak was delicious and Debby enjoyed her chicken.

Seattle’s famous Space Needle is fifty years old. Overheard during a tour:  Guide: “It was constructed in less than a year.” Tourist: “Really?  Isn't that a little quick?” Guide: “Well, there were no safety regulations then.”

Big excitement the day Felix Hernandez pitched following his perfect game. 39,000 fans all decked out in King Felix T-shirts. The entire stadium was a sea of yellow although a number of Hempfest attendees thought they were trapped in a giant poppy field. Could Felix do it again? Could he throw a second perfect game in a row? I’d really be on hand for history then! The first batter in the first inning singled to right.

I also used this stint with the M’s to promote my new book, THE ME GENERATION… BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE ‘60s). In Seattle I had a signing at the Mariners’ Team Store, and without sounding too immodest, more books were sold than broken bats.

The next night two nimrods broke into the Team Store and stole sixteen Ichiro jerseys that were on sale for half-price. Thank God they didn’t get any of my books! I’m sure it will not be hard for authorities to round up these heinous criminals. Just look for sixteen cretins all wearing Ichiro jerseys with the price tags still attached.

The Mariners swept the Twins and the Indians. We flew to Chicago with an 8-game winning streak. I said on the air that the team’s new slogan should be: “Mariners baseball – where anything can happen and actually DOES.”

On to Chicago...

Note:  My book of travelogues -- WHERE THE HELL AM I?  TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED -- is still available on Amazon.  Kindle version is only $3.99.  Don't leave home without it.  

The Berlin Wall, bikini waxes, princesses in butter and MORE!

Happy Labor Day!  How are things shaking?  Tomorrow I'm posting my travelogue from my recent road trip with the Mariners. But first, some photos -- to get you in the mood. 

Sunset in Seattle.  See?  It doesn't always rain.  And there are rarely earthquakes.

The Berlin Wall is now in Seattle.  Why didn't people just walk around it?

Nice touch having a beaver hold the sign

The first start for King Felix Hernandez after his Perfect Game.    The world's largest beehive.

The King and I

Meeting fans at my book signing.  Santa came down from the North Pole.

U.S. Cellular Field, Chicago.  Taken by my son, Matt.

At WGN-TV.  While hawking my book I bumped into old friend/Bond Girl, Jane Seymour.  She gave me a ride back to the hotel.  If only some ballplayers were around when I got out of the car.

After four hours of rain delays in Chicago there were still some idiot fans in the ballpark.  

The Minnesota State Fair Dairy Princess with her likeness in butter.

This is when you know you're at a State Fair.

Jen Mueller & Shannon Drayer from the M's broadcast crew ready to get in line at Big Fat Bacon.  Try the ice cream, girls!

One of the many great things you can do at the Fair.

Target Field, Minnesota.  Picture from my cellphone.  I got that nifty panorama ap. 

CenturyLink Field, Seattle.  A Seahawks game.  I took this and the Target Field photo the same day.  

And finally, either the Seahawks game or the Republican National Convention.

Going through another earthquake

They always seem to be in the middle of the night when it's warm.  This morning about 3:30 everyone in LA was jolted out of bed by something we're unfortunately quite used to by now -- another earthquake.

This one hit with a jolt but was over in five or ten seconds (or so it seemed).   The epicenter was northeast of Beverly Hills, which probably places it five miles from my house.  It registered a 3.2 I'm told.  A Facebook friend in Long Beach said she didn't even feel it.  We never lost power.  Just sleep. 

I wouldn't be surprised if we don't feel aftershocks for several days or weeks.  Generally those pack less of a whollop.  But they're disconcerting just the same.

My first thought was "Shit.  Is this the big one?"   The one in 1994 -- the Northridge quake --  was as big as I'd ever felt and hope to ever feel.  A 6.7.  That one just kept going and going.  Pictures fell off walls, glass shattering.  The house reeled and rocked.  Our chimney fell off.  And we were among the very lucky ones.

To my knowledge, only one person slept through that earthquake.  A Paramount business affairs guy who had trouble sleeping took some heavy duty pills the night before and remained out like a light until morning.  When he awoke and saw all of his dresser drawers open with clothes strewn everywhere he called the police and reported a burglary. 

After seeing that everyone in the house is okay, the next order of business is usually walking around the place inspecting for damage.  That is unless it's a BIG one in which case you grab the family photo album and get out of the house.   Or, in the case of not-so-bright former Dodger, Pedro Guerrero.  He hurt his back trying to lift his big screen TV.  That was the one precious item he felt the need to take with him during evacuation.

Next we turn on the TV or radio.  And here's where things are quite different from almost twenty years ago.  Every radio station was live.  Many TV stations as well.   Many channels were able to switch to emergency coverage right away.   Every radio station covered it.   For many of us, that meant KFWB and their extraordinarily great anchor, Jack Popejoy.   With reassurance and calm, he walked us through the crisis.   Sadly, Jack is no longer with us.   And most stations are automated.

So this morning I tuned up and dial the radio dial and found only KNX to have a live body.  On the TV side it was business as usual.  Ironically, one local channel did have news but were rerunning a newscast from four hours ago.  Imagine tuning in to a newscast after a big earthquake and that story is not even mentioned?

But it's a sign of the times and on the plus, I didn't know the USA Network was airing CHEERS at 3:30 in the morning.

Anyway, all seems to be fine.  I'll try to go back to sleep.   How are you guys doing?  Everybody alright out there?

This may be the first LA earthquake that's trending on Twitter. 

Happy Labor Day. 

AV Club's Top Ten MASH episodes

You can find it here.  Happy to say my writing partner, David Isaacs and I made the list with POINT OF VIEW.   We also made honorable mention with NIGHT AT ROSIE'S.   I agree with many of their picks and have personal favorites I would have chosen over some of theirs.  I would have included THE GENERAL FLIPS AT DAWN (written by Jim Fritzell & Everett Greenbaum) and THE MORE I SEE YOU (written by Larry Gelbart).  The two episodes we wrote I would say should have been contenders were GOODBYE RADAR and OUT OF SIGHT/OUT OF MIND.

But hey, when you're part of a Superbowl winning team, just getting into the game and catching one pass for five yards is a monumental thrill.  To be a starter is unbelievable.  

Thanks to the AV Club for the nod.

I miss Jerry

The Labor Day weekend just isn't the same without Jerry Lewis hosting the telethon.   I unabashedly loved that show. I looked  forward to it every year…for both the right and wrong reasons.

It does benefit a very worthy cause, the Muscular Dystrophy Association. The videos of the kids are both heartbreaking and inspiring. Let’s hope someday there’s a cure.

But the JERRY LEWIS TELETHON was the absolute height of entertainment cheese, a time warp to a Las Vegas scene that everyone but Jerry realized has long since passed, and was the home of the most insincere sincerity that only show business can create. The treacle just oozeed out of your speakers. Born in the swinging 60s (which you can read about here), nurtured by Sammy Davis Jr. (combining over-concern, hipness, gross sentimentality, and jewelry), this style was perfected by Jerry Lewis who added his own special touches. No one could beg with such passion while sticking a cigarette in his ear. No one could deliver a biblical sermon, break down crying, then go into his spastic retard character for comic relief.

The Frech call him Le Roi du Crazy. They still shortchange him. Since his auteur movie days he has developed his own unique and delicious blend of condescension and humility. Every year I knew what I was going to get and was always richly rewarded.

Nowhere did superlatives fly like the JERRY LEWIS TELETHON. In only one half hour I caught “infamously wonderful”, “exceptional talent”, “most talented”, “most amazing”, “most exciting”, “unmatched”, “extraordinary”, “a true legend”, and “a treasure in every sense of the word.” On the other hand, Jerry described guest David Cassidy as “that little cocker”. He’s probably right but still!

And then there was Ed McMahon. For sixty years America wondered – just what IS this guy’s talent? Say what you will, the man made a wildly successful career for himself by playing the toady to the host.

The telethon was a throwback to a better Vegas, a classier Vegas – where all performers dressed, dyed their hair, and drank. It was elegance as only the mob could imagine it. There were dinner shows and late night lounge shows, and no gift shops right outside the showrooms. You couldn’t buy Keely Smith t-shirts, Rosemary Clooney refrigerator magnets, or Frank Sinatra lunch pails.

I miss it all, but most of all Jerry.  I'll never be able to hear "Rock-a-bye Your Baby With a Dixie Melody" again without crying.   Fortunately, when the hell will I ever hear that song again?

My day with Johnny Carson

Back in Los Angeles. Travelogue of my road trip with the Mariners will follow sometime next week. In the meantime, got a Friday question yesterday that I get receive often.  It's from Thomas Tucker:

Did you ever meet or work with Johnny Carson?

A few years ago I did a post on this but it's been awhile and I've picked up three new readers since then so I'm re-posting it today. Plus, it's one of those stories that makes you want to become a writer. 

Networks love stunt casting. Getting stars and celebrities to guest on your show... especially during sweeps does increase ratings. There have been some classic ones -- Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt on FRIENDS (good chance you won't see him on a reunion show), heavyweight boxer Sonny Liston and opera diva Marilyn Horne on THE ODD COUPLE, Madonna on WILL & GRACE, and of course Frank Sinatra on the SOUPY SALES SHOW. One of the toughest "gets" was always Johnny Carson. The King of Late Night rarely guested on sitcoms. Yet amazingly he did agree to do a CHEERS.

My partner, David Isaacs and I wrote the episode (called "Heeeeeeere's Cliffy!"). The premise: Cliff's ultimate goal in life was to have Johnny Carson read one of his jokes during a monologue. The man reached for the stars! Alas, his endless submissions kept getting rejected. Finally, as a goof, Norm intercepts one and turns it into an acceptance letter. Things get out of hand when Cliff flies to Burbank to be in the audience the night of his big triumph. And he brings his mother. Norm must tag along for damage control.

Norm bribes the cue card guy to include Cliff's joke. Johnny reads it in his monologue, it bombs, Cliff stands up and corrects his delivery. He winds up in custody while mom ends up on the couch with Johnny.

Come on. It could happen!

We wrote the script, sent it to Carson, who approved it. We arranged to film it right after a TONIGHT SHOW taping. The audience was asked if they'd like to stay for an extra half hour and be on CHEERS. Nice folks that they were, they were willing to make that sacrifice.

The crew and I arrived at the studio at 3 (my partner was out of town). The TONIGHT SHOW taped from 5:30 - 6:30. I introduced myself to Mr. Carson and said I'd be happy to make any adjustments he would like. He said, no, he thought the script was great. He'd do it just as written. I almost fainted.

During the TONIGHT SHOW taping I sat in the green room and kibitzed for an hour with that night's guest -- Elizabeth Taylor. She could not have been more approachable and fun. It was almost surreal to be chatting about life with Elizabeth Taylor.

After the taping, director Jim Burrows set up our four cameras and blocked the scenes. Not only is Jimmy the best multi-camera director, he's also the fastest. All of this rather complicated stuff was accomplished in fifteen minutes in front of the audience. Indy Pit Crews could learn a thing or two from Jim Burrows.

We had hoped to also get Ed McMahon but he wasn't interested in sticking around (a whole half hour) so we wrote him out. Guess he had to get to that Budweiser.

Now the filming began. Four film cameras were positioned on the stage. I was standing next to one, essentially between the curtain and the band. Jimmy calls action, the band (right behind me) struck up the familiar theme and Johnny Carson steps through the curtains. He's maybe five feet from me. He begins delivering our monologue. This was maybe a month before his final TONIGHT SHOW so I knew this was a precious experience that would never come again.

We tried to write jokes that would get solid laughs so that when Johnny got to Cliff's it would be noticeably bad. Much to my sheer delight, our jokes worked. The King of Late Night was getting laughs doing our material. This was more surreal than Elizabeth Taylor asking me which Disneyland ride was my favorite.

The scene played great. We shot it a couple of times. And Johnny was the ultimate professional. Happy to do re-takes, whatever we needed. So often legends and idols disappoint if and when you actually meet them but the reverse was true here. I wound up even more in awe of Johnny Carson.

After we wrapped I got a picture sitting at Johnny's desk interviewing John Ratzenberger.

Woody Allen made a movie called ZELIG where he played a normal guy who somehow managed to mingle with every important figure of his day.

Well, Zelig had nothing on me, certainly that night -- a night that will live in my memory forever... and hopefully in reruns.

Hey-ohhhh!

Friday Questions

A recent post on show runners elicited a number of follow up questions.   So this week's Friday Questions shall attempt to address them.

Bill starts us off:

If the showrunner is so important--really the most important position on a show at a given time--why is "showrunner" not an "official" credit?

First off, it doesn’t have “Producer” in the title. In addition to the prestige and additional money, only producers can qualify for Best Show Emmys.  Screw titles.  We want the hardware! 

It used to be the Executive Producer was the 5 Star General of TV credits, but now there are so many who share that title. Staffs are larger, writers move up the food chain. And don’t forget the pod producers who attach themselves to your show and basically give notes and go home. They’re of course entitled to the same credit as the guy who works eighty hours a week.

So until a Producer credit above Executive Producer can be concocted (and all of these titles are concoctions) then show runner will just remain an under-the-radar title. Personally, I like “All Exalted He/She Who Must Be Obeyed Producer.”

As a reader pointed out, a good clue is who created the show. In most cases the show’s creator is also the show runner. But not always.  There are cases when a young writer creates a series but the network won’t order it unless a proven show runner is attached.  Or the creator is fired but still maintains a credit even though he's no longer on the show at all. 

And you have instances where the creator steps away from the day-to-day show running but still retains his title. Confused yet? Anyway, this leads into the next question.

It’s from Mike:

When people that used to run the show but have since left the series come back to pen the series' final episode or something, do they have more of a showrunner's-type say in the final product than just an average staff writer would? Like for the final Cheers and Seinfeld episodes, the Charles Bros. and Larry David, respectively, came back for the final episodes even though they were no longer calling the shots. Would they have had more of a showrunner's-type role in that situation, do you suppose?

Yes. Whenever the creator comes back he sits in the Captain Kirk chair. In the case of CHEERS, Glen & Les Charles returned for the final half of the final season. Beyond the last episode (which they wrote themselves) they wanted to make sure that the six or seven episodes leading up to it were completely on track. It was an honor that Glen & Les asked my partner David and I to write one of the last episodes. (It was the final Bar Wars episode, if you’re curious.)

And finally, from Dave:

Ken, I've seen you answer that "what does the showrunner do" question over and over. My question is, is there anything the showrunner DOESN'T do? And are there any duties that a showrunner really SHOULDN'T do, but sometimes they do anyway for whatever reason?

Show runners do not do any actual negotiating with agents. That’s business affairs’ department.

Certain jobs are protected by unions. Show runners can’t just operate cameras or move boom mikes (unless they’re in the appropriate unions).

I always wondered about this: Jimmy Burrows (pictured left) was a show runner of CHEERS and also the director. I don’t know if directors are allowed to operate cameras. In the days of 35 mm film cameras the cameras were on a wheeled mount. It would take three people to man the camera. During a scene Jimmy would decide he’d want a camera to move over a few feet so he’d kick the mount and proprell it to the desired spot. Does that constitute operating a camera?

Show runners will tend to meddle in departments they shouldn’t if (a) they like those departments (like post production) or (b) they just micro-manage everything.

As for me, I recognize that my technical abilities are on a par with a monkey’s so when it comes to post production and set design I leave that to the experts. I may make a suggestion now and then but if I’ve hired the best people, it’s best to just get out of their way.

I also don’t hire myself to be an actor. First off, I’m not that good. And secondly, I’m taking a job away from a real actor. So I avoid that too.

What’s your question?