EP269: Writing and directing for animals and athletes

Whether it’s a former NBA superstar or sheep, writing and directing for athletes and animals can be a challenge.  Comedy generally isn’t in their wheelhouse.  Ken shares amusing stories working with both.  

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Laugh-out-loud funny

 

It’s not often, but there are times I do laugh out loud in a room watching television.   And sometimes, with great comic construction, a solid laugh can lead to an even bigger laugh.  Oh… and sometimes that “comic construction” is not intentional.

Example:  Recently on JEOPARDY I laughed out loud (if only current sitcoms could make me laugh).  It was Final Jeopardy and the category was SINGERS.  The clue was something like (I’m paraphrasing) “This 95 year-old-singer recorded an album of new material in 2021.”  

The answer is obviously Tony Bennett.  

Only one of the three contestants got the right answer.  

One said Diana Ross.  Okay, that was audible guffaw number one.  For the record, Ms Ross is 77, but knowing how vain she is and what a diva she is, to think that anyone would assume she was 95 was, to me, absolutely hysterical.  

And then the topper:  The next contestant also wrote down Diana Ross.   I was on the floor.  TWO out of three people thought Diana Ross was 95.  

I would have given anything to see Ms Ross' reaction when she learned of this.  I know that’s mean, but I’m just being honest with ya.  And do understand I am a fan of her music.  Even saw her once in concert.  She’s a major talent.

But Diana Ross goes to extraordinary lengths to look glamorous and young.  And she has that huge mop of hair, all designed to bring attention to herself.   She's Motown's Norma Desmond.

I think if they would have said Cher my laugh would have been just as big.  Context.  If one had said Joni Mitchell — well, with all her health problems she’s aged considerably and it would be conceivable someone might (very incorrectly) think she’s 95.   So way more sad than funny.  

Same with Keith Richards -- although everyone has thought he was 95 since 1995.  

So for me — the right person, the right joke, and then the perfect topper.   Two great laughs in one night.  Oh.. I also got the answer right.  It had to be Tony Bennett.  Keith Richards didn’t record new material last year. 

Upfronts and Downsizing

When I wrote my first play twenty years ago I made a real rookie mistake.  There were eight characters in it.  The vintage comedy plays I grew up with by playwrights like Kaufman & Hart all featured multiple characters, outlandish costumes, physical comedy, props galore, several themes, a romance, some satirical poking at society, and usually three or four stories intertwining to service all of the characters.   They generally built to a big final scene where most, if not all, of the characters were on stage at once, and in principal, the laughs would be flying fast and furious. 

So having never taken a playwriting course I used that as sort of my guide and wrote UPFRONTS AND PERSONAL.  (I should mention that I’ve had several readings and have done major rewriting on it since my first draft twenty years ago. I’m probably on draft fifteen.)

I was lucky enough to finally have it produced by the Gallery Players in Brooklyn in 2019 and they did a terrific job.  A current production is going on now through the 23rd at the Riverfront Playhouse in Aurora, Illinois -- equally as excellent.  Get your tickets here.  

I caught a couple of performances this past weekend and what a joy after two years of Zoom plays, to hear an actual audience laugh from start to finish.  Everyone did a great job and it really worked.  

But as I watched it I got a little wistful.  When I first wrote it I sent it to Garry Marshall who owned a theatre in Southern California.  He called back and said, “Very funny!”  I asked if we could develop it for his theatre and he said, “Too many people!”  “How many is good?” I asked.  “Two!!!” was his answer.   (My next play was a two-hander and his theatre did produce it.)  

The point is most theatres don’t want large cast plays anymore — especially if they have to pay the actors.  I certainly get that.  That’s the world today.  But it saddens me that these bigger plays that are real crowd-pleasers are going the way of the dinosaur.

I’m so glad I got at least one in although I’ve had five different plays and one musical produced since I wrote UPFRONTS AND PERSONAL.   I probably won’t be writing another like it, but I’m sure glad I was a rookie and didn’t know any better at the time.  

The photos are from the two productions.  Looks like a lot of fun, doesn’t it?

Who is Robert Evans?

When Francis Ford Coppola thanked Robert Evans during THE GODFATHER tribute on this year's infamous Oscarcast a lot of people (including a few of my readers) wondered who that is (or “was” at this point).

Robert Evans was one of the true characters of Hollywood.  Originally an actor, he became a big studio executive at Paramount (where he oversaw THE GODFATHER) and later a producer.  At one time he was married to Ali McGraw (a very beautiful actress if you’re not familiar with her either) but she dumped him for Steve McQueen (the actor, not the current director).

Evans led a larger-than-life lifestyle, had a big mansion, and partied with the best of 'em.  In his later years he had this tan that was, well… orange (a shade not found in nature).  He also wore large sunglasses most of the time.  He still had an office at Paramount when I worked there and I used to see him frequently on the lot.  I would alway said “hello” and he'd say “hello” back as if we knew each other.  I only spoke to him one time and that was to compliment him on his book.

His book.

THE KID STAYS IN THE PICTURE is his memoir.  His accomplishments are somewhat, er… embellished.  He did not invent electricity or was the first man on the moon.  That's an exaggeration but even if half the stories are true it’s a great window into Hollywood of a different (and arguably better) era.

One thing though — don’t read the book.

LISTEN to it.

Evans does the audiobook and it is HYSTERICAL.   The “tough guy” noir persona he exudes along with the florid content combine to make a laugh-out-loud, drive-off-the-road audio experience.  He also impersonates other people — I just can’t say enough about this juicy audiobook.

So that’s Robert Evans.  You’ll be glad I introduced you. 

Weekend Post

CHEERS IS FILMED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

You hear that at the top of every show. But most people don’t know that after six or seven episodes that almost changed. That disclaimer almost became:

CHEERS IS TAPED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

As has been chronicled almost to death, CHEERS got off to a slow start (if you believe “dead last” is considered slow). And it was an expensive show to produce. All those lemons that Teddy cut each week alone! But one of the big ticket items was that the show was filmed rather than videotaped (like ALL IN THE FAMILY or the more highly regarded SILVER SPOONS). Tape is cheaper than film, it requires one operator per camera not three, is edited primarily during the show not after, easier to light, post production is less complicated, and the turnaround time is less.

Paramount and NBC were losing tons of money on CHEERS and it was on the brink of cancellation. So the studio felt if it could be produced cheaper NBC might have more incentive to pick CHEERS up for a back nine.

They went to Glen & Les Charles and Jimmy Burrows and asked if they’d consider flipping from film to tape. They agreed to at least make a test scene.

A first rate tape crew was enlisted to light the set. Video cameras were wheeled in, and Jimmy directed a scene. It featured everyone from the cast, and there was a lot of movement so we could view every angle of the set. It went through post-production, was color-corrected, and made broadcast-ready.

The Charles Brothers, Jimmy, my partner and I, and our line producer Tim Berry sat down and watched the test.

GAAAAA!

It was horrifying. All the warmth and depth of the set was completely obliterated. The rich colors became day-glo. And this dark, rich bar setting suddenly looked like a police station.

It was like those photos of Britney Spears without make up.

To Charles-Burrows-Charles’ credit the experiment ended right there. I don’t know if a copy of that test still exists. My guess is Glen Charles backed over the tape with his car in much the same way Tony Soprano had Phil Leotardo whacked in the SOPRANOS finale.

Ironically, if they had agreed to switch to the tape format I think it would have caused the show’s cancellation, not prevented it.

Ah, the little decisions producers have to make every day.

 

Friday Questions

Friday Questions… as we begin this new month.

Tina Delgado is up first.

How do you and David Isaacs write together?  What is your process?

We had a hot tub installed in our office.  We would get into the hot tub and dictate the script to a writing assistant who was also in the tub.  Sometimes we would get stuck on a line and to jump start our brains we would turn the heat up to 115 degrees.  We both found that when we were on the border of hallucination that’s when we did our best work.  

From Don Rivert:

Has an actor ever made a suggestion on one of your scripts that you realized was good and better than what you had?  

Well, you’re talking a 40 year career.  That’s a lot of scripts and a lot of actors.  But no.  Never.  What we wrote was gold.  Always. Why the TV Academy doesn’t have a night honoring AfterMASH I will never know.  

Sitar the Pirate queries:

What shows do you wish you had written on?

SHE’S THE SHERIFF, MEN BEHAVING BADLY, HELLO LARRY, COP ROCK, MANIMAL, SANFORD ARMS, MAN WITH A PLAN, GIRLS, 2 BROKE GIRLS, SMASH, MY SUPER SWEET 16, CAVEMEN, REAL ROB, THE COOL KIDS, HAPPY TOGETHER, and of course DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER.  

And finally, from 5515Melrose:

When you announce baseball, do you prefer TV or radio?

I greatly prefer radio because I don’t have to be accurate.  I can say pretty much anything.  And this is good because I can’t see past the pitcher’s mound.  So I call what I think might be happening, or, in some cases, what I hope might be happening.  On television they can see that the second baseman caught the ball that I just called a home run.  Radio all the way!  

What’s your Friday Question?   Note:  As you know, when I can't think of an appropriate photo I feature one of Natalie Wood. 

EP268: Cartooning and Comedy

Part two with New Yorker cartoonist, David Sipress. This week is focused on the art of combining comedy writing and drawings. It’s a fun look at the process of creativity. Along with a good Cliff Clavin story.

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And the final irony...

Okay, I was going to move on, but I just had to share this.   Thanks to Facebook friend and great KHJ 20/20 Newsman, Roger Aldi for alerting me to this -- here is Will Smith on Arsenio Hall's show.  

The band member had alopecia, by the way.  "Aw, these are jokes! C'mon."  

I guess it's a good thing for Will the bass player's wife wasn't in the audience.  

UPDATE: There's some conjecture that the bass player didn't have alopecia.  If so, the joke was merely a gratuitous  shot at someone else's expense.  The key is Smith trying to justify it by saying "Aw, these are jokes!" Bottom line is if you're going to dish it out you have to be willing to take it.   That's certainly the rule of the writing room. 

Ironically, Will Smith tried his hand at stand-up comedy a couple of years ago. Here's his tweet:

I did Stand Up last night... FIRST TIME EVER! I opened for Dave Chappelle. I AM HOOKED.

 

Dave Chappelle?  If you think Chris Rock is rough... 

 

Look, none of this brouhaha would have happened if Rock didn't make an uncalled for joke and Smith didn't over-react on a world stage.  Both come off looking like assholes.  I don't want to seem like I'm playing favorites, but I can't find any clips on the internet of Chris Rock hitting anybody.

 

Follow-up to yesterday...

 Was I right?  People were talking about the Oscars all day yesterday.  

My post on Monday was on the impact of the incident to the Oscarcast and purposely not a discussion of the merits of the slap.

But today, let me weigh in like everyone else.  (And thanks for all the comments yesterday.)

I agree with those who said Will Smith should have been removed from the building.

Violence should not be condoned.  And just because you’re a celebrity doesn’t give you license to not play by society’s rules.  Same goes for sexual assault or throwing a full can of Coca Cola at a producer’s head because you didn’t like a joke (Yes, Bret Butler, I’m talking about you).  

In watching the clip again (and again and again), Smith laughed originally and then saw that his wife was pissed.  But his initial response was telling. 

I love how some people are outraged at this violence but seem to be okay with the January 6 insurrection.  

Some are saying they should take away Smith’s award.  I don’t think that’s necessary.  It’s already tainted.  And might as well let him have it since he will never win another thing ever.   Just throw him out of the Academy if they want to be punitive.   He’s probably destroyed his career, so that's sort of a punishment. 

The Academy came out with a statement that they “condemn” his action.  Oooh, they’re really sticking their necks out.  They will “formally review” the incident.  So the bullshit continues.  They maintain there was talk of removing Smith but that the decision makers were all in different parts of the audience and couldn’t mobilize in time.  What a crock of shit that is.  You don’t need a committee.  You need the president of the Academy saying “Have security escort him out of the building.  Now!”  

SAG/ AFTRA also condemned him.  If SAG/AFTRA wants to right any wrongs they should fix their own health insurance plan that screws over its members.  Work on that awhile.  

Enough people now hate Smith that he’s Hollywood’s next Mel Gibson.  

I agree that Chris Rock’s joke was a cheap shot.  

If you’re a celebrity — especially now with social media where everyone with a Twitter account can become an Oscar host — you better develop a thick skin.  

The reality is the only real laughs award show hosts get these days is from cheap shots.  It’s encouraged.  That Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes more than once, that’s all you need to know.

(What if Will Smith hit Ricky Gervais?  Would the reaction be different???)

So where do you draw the line?   When half the audience is offended by anything and the other half is angry and offended by nothing?  

Of all the truly despicable people in the world — people who want to destroy the world, destroy Democracy, all for their own personal gain and quest for power — you’re going to hit a comedian?  

Now comedians are worried this is going to become a thing.  No, I don’t think comedy club audiences are going to start beating up on the stand-ups.  Unless you’re Will Smith you go to jail and it costs you a lot of money you can't afford.  As a general note — you can’t just start smacking people.  

Ratings were up marginally.  15 million instead of 10 — the second lowest rated Oscarcast ever.  Compare that to 1998 when TITANIC won.  55.3 million viewers.  

To me, an even sadder moment was seeing Liza Minelli and the horrible shape she’s in.  Truly heartbreaking.  Kudos to Lady Gaga for handling the situation with class and compassion. 

Let's see... anything else?  I can't think of... oh wait.  Yes.  Congratulations to the winners.

The slap that saved the Oscars

What’s exciting about the Oscars is that it’s live and there’s the occasional unexpected crazy incident.   That’s what people remember.  That’s what people talk about the next day.  Usually, it’s a major fuck up — like the year they announced the wrong Best Picture.   That was an unexpected moment I'm sure the Academy wishes to forget.  

But it seems to me that years ago there were more of these happy unplanned incidents.  The streaker, Sacheen Littlefeather, Jack Palance doing a push-up, etc.  What made the Oscar hosts great wasn’t their opening monologue but their ability to ad lib and comment on the memorable moment.  Bob Hope, Johnny Carson, and Billy Crystal all had that gift.  

Incidents like that would electrify the ceremony.  Now the audience is waiting to see the ramifications, reactions, and whether more craziness ensues.  

Will Smith revitalized all that with one slap.  By slapping Chris Rock for telling a joke at the expense of his wife, Will Smith suddenly made the Oscars interesting.  Whether you agree with whether he should have done it or not, the result and subsequent Smith tirade to Rock — “Keep my wife’s name out of your FUCKING MOUTH!”  — was great live theatre.  It was a shared event.  People are talking about it today, aren’t they?  We have so few shared events anymore that aren't insurrections.

And then Smith finally wins an Oscar and has this insane pompous endless speech filled with pauses and suddenly we’re now hanging on every word. (By the way, what bullshit!  He’s a “protector.”  He’s a self-absorbed talented actor — not a protector, not chosen by God to spread love.)  At any moment he could say the most bizarre thing.  When he began by launching into how much love he was put on this earth to spread and then got teary, I don’t know about you, but I was thinking “this guy is going to have a complete breakdown on worldwide television”  — I’m not switching over to Netflix.  

Few people (if any) can remember anything about the last few years of the ceremony.  Yeah, there were incoherent speeches (Frances McDormand) and actors mispronouncing names, but big whoop.  Will Smith slapping Chris Rock will be remembered for years.  And I guarantee you, as a result, next year’s Oscars will go up in the ratings.   If for no other reason, Smith will probably be a presenter.  We’ll all tune in to see who he slugs next. 

UPDATE:  My follow-up tomorrow.  And no, I don't condone the violence.

Weekend Post

Hey, the Oscars are this Sunday night.  I wonder how many of you read that and said, “Oh, that’s right” or “They are?”   Oh for the days when the Oscars meant something.  

As hard as it may be to believe today, at one time the Academy Awards were like the Super Bowl.  The country stopped to watch.  Ratings were astronomical.  Most people attended Oscars parties.  There were Oscar pools, which were easy to fill out because everyone saw every picture.  We all knew the five songs under consideration because they were all hits on the radio.   The actors and directors were Hollywood royalty (writers were Hollywood well-to-do’s).  

The hosts were entertaining.  Bob Hope, Johnny Carson, and Billy Crystal enhanced the ceremony with their irreverence and off-the-cuff quips.  

There was a level of glamour.  It was the ultimate “ball.”  

You rooted for your favorite picture or actor (or you were one of ten people who rooted for writers).  There was suspense.  There was drama.  There was cleavage.  

And let’s be honest, a favorite thing to do at these in-home Oscar parties was to rip on everyone and everything.  You made fun of the dresses, the foreign actors who were presenters but couldn't speak clear English, the pretentious speeches, Price-Waterhouse, the production numbers, etc.  

Now of course you can’t do any of that.  You can’t body shame, God forbid you make a joke at the expense of someone less white than Nicole Kidman.  You’re a misogynist, a racist, a homophobe.  Actually, you’re all of those things if you laugh at those jokes.  So best to say nothing.  

And what are you left with — a quiet room with people who have seen none or few of the movies, are unfamiliar with the actors and directors, and wonder why they’re there in the first place.  

This year they’re streamlining the show, giving awards during commercials and just playing back highlights of winners’ speeches.  All that has done has angered the community.   For the last few years there’s been no host.  This year there are three.  I will say that this was cool — one of them was in my house recently.  Wanda Sykes attended my daughter’s baby shower.  Bob Hope never swung by my house.  

Every year they try a new format.  A new producer has “the answer.”  And it never works.  No one has seen the movies so no one cares, you can’t feel superior and make fun of anything, and let’s be frank — there have been a glut of award shows.  Award shows aren’t special.  They used to be.  But not anymore.  Alas, my Peoples’ Choice Award is no longer the standard of excellence.  

Still, I’ll probably watch it… unless there’s a Spring Training game on.  Forget Hollywood Royals, I wonder how the Kansas City Royals are doing.   

Friday Questions

Let’s “Spring” into some Friday Questions.

scottmc has left a new comment on your post "How to boycott Russia":

When directing an episode for television have you ever used a take that you knew contained a mistake, or goof? (The reason I ask is that I just saw the DICK VAN DYKE SHOW episode 'Bupkis'. Rob opens the phone book looking for a number after having already dialed the number. Both the studio audience and Van Dyke seemed to notice the mistake but nonetheless they used that take.)

I never leave mistakes in consciously, but sometimes in editing you notice things you missed on the stage.  Usually these are matching issues — his collar is up in one take and down in the other, the cover is on the tray in one take and not in the other, etc.  

You’re left with two choices.  Either go with the take where everything matches perfectly even though it may not be the best performance, or go with the best performance and hope the audience doesn’t really notice the mistake.

That’s the camp I’m in.  Unless the mistake is glaringly obvious I opt for the best performance.  

In an ALMOST PERFECT episode I directed, there was a big pie fight with several pages of dialogue after.  We shot it Monday night after camera blocking, then cleaned everything up and re-shot Tuesday night in front of the audience.  Needless to say the two takes didn’t match.   Watch Matthew Letscher (Rob).  The glob on his face doesn’t match from shot to shot.  I guarantee you wouldn’t have known that if I didn’t tell you.  Here, watch the scene:

404 asks:

Friday question about your writing/thought process: I've noticed that most of your posts end with some sort of call-back zinger, where you reference something mentioned earlier in the piece. I know this is a pretty standard bit of comedy writing, and in general a good way to end a piece no matter the genre.

My question is how do you, Ken Levine, typically go about setting those up?

Callbacks (as they are called) are a great way to button a scene.  I rarely have a final callback in mind when I’m writing a post, but as I get towards the end I start to look back at what might be worth calling back.  

In fairness, sometimes it works better than others and I’m left with pie on my face.  

And finally, from Brian:

Are show titles hard to come up with? Have they fallen out of favor? I recall seeing a title in the opening credits recently. I was reminded of show titles since on a recent airing of Jeopardy, contestants had to name the shows from the titles of the final episodes. The clues included "Farewell, Goodbye and Amen" and "One for the Road”.

Episode titles are a pain-in-the-ass.  You need them for production schedules.  At one time it wasn’t worth spending a lot of time on them because they’d never be made public.  But now episode titles are available as are descriptions of each episode.

In some cases, the titles give away major plot points.  It didn’t matter when no one but the production staff saw it, but now it matters a lot.  

I always liked what FRIENDS did.  Every episode title began with “The one where…” You didn’t have to wrack your brain.  You could just say “The one where Phoebe gets hit with a pie” and be done with it.

What is your Friday Question? 

EP267: Meet New Yorker cartoonist David Sipress

Now one of the best and funniest New Yorker cartoonists, David was rejected for 25 years before finally landing a sale there. It’s an inspiring story of perseverance and belief. Learn how to get through the tough times and know that good times are ahead.

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Mockumentaries

 

What is the benefit of doing a sitcom in a mockumentary format?  

At one time it was very fresh.  Rob Reiner’s THIS IS SPINAL TAP used the device as a novel and fun way to tell a movie story.  

Ricky Gervais’ British version of THE OFFICE also used it to good effect.  But it made sense there.  There were only a few episodes shot.  So you can understand that a documentary crew filmed them for a few months and distilled all the footage into just a few episodes.  

The American version of THE OFFICE strained credibility.  Why was this crew shooting for years and years?  Still, you overlooked that because, at the time, THE OFFICE was a fresh way to mount a sitcom.

Not sure why a documentary crew would follow around the folks at PARKS & REC but the show developed into such a funny and charming sitcom you didn’t mind.  At least I didn’t mind.

By the time MODERN FAMILY hit the airwaves the device seemed tired.  It reached a point when the mockumentary style detracted from the series.  

And then there are the logistics.  Where are all these cameramen?  In MODERN FAMILY there’s the episode where the kids catch their parents having sex.  We see them bring up breakfast in bed and open the bedroom door.  We see their point of view suggesting the parents are busily engaged.  The kids are horrified, slam the door closed, and leave.  Then we cut inside the bedroom where the parents are discussing what just happened.  So wait a minute — for a camera to be in the bedroom to capture that exchange it already had to be there — when they were having sex.  I brought that up to one of the show’s producers and he said, “Hmmmm.  Never thought of that.”  

The mockumentary formal causes limitations.  How intimate can characters’ conversations be when they know they’re being filmed?  And when you watch these shows, sometimes the characters know and react to being filmed and other times they act as if they’re oblivious to it.  

This year we have ABBOTT ELEMENTARY, a well-written well-received new sitcom.  But they too utilize the mockumentary device.  And I ask the question: why?  What added value does it serve?  It’s certainly no longer fresh. And a lot of the jokes revolve around people squirming knowing they did something embarrassing that now is being seen by the world.  They’re the same jokes THE OFFICE did a thousand times twenty years ago.

If there’s an organic reason why a series needs to tell stories through this device, that’s fine.  Or if the characters are hoping this “documentary” will result in more funding or change in any way then I say great.  But to do it just to do it — to me it’s the new laughtrack.  

What do you guys think? 

The statuesque Marilyn Monroe

Was in Palm Springs over the weekend for the unveiling of FRASEIR co-creator, David Lee’s Star on the Palm Springs Walk of Fame.  Its in front of the art museum and down the block from the Marilyn Monroe statue.  Apparently there has been much controversy over this magnificent sculpture.  Understandable cries of misogyny and protests have sprouted.   On the other hand, some have countered by saying that when Marilyn’s husband, Joe Dimaggio, learned of that scene he forbid her from doing it and she said she would do whatever the fuck she wanted.  (Apparently, tension over this issue contributed to their divorce.)  So the statue could be perceived as a monument to women’s empowerment.   You decide.

There are also those who resent walking out of the museum and seeing Marilyn’s crotch.   Okay, it’s hard to counter that one.  

I will say this, when the star ceremony was over we were invited to a nearby restaurant for drinks.  The instructions were “Go through Marilyn’s legs and turn right.” 

A Monday rant

WARNING:  This is cranky Ken today.

I will on occasion repost a story from years gone by on the weekend.  I figure enough time has passed that most of the people reading it are new to the blog.  I used to say they were reposts but figured if the subject matter hadn’t dated then why announce it’s a rerun?  Someone might say “Oh, then I probably read it” and skip it when in fact they hadn’t and miss out.  And often times I will revise the stories so they’re not dated or new information will be added.  Again, someone sees rerun and doesn’t bother.  

Once a month I try to repost a Friday Questions entry from ten years ago or more.  And for  those I specifically say when they first appeared.  Context is important in that regard I believe. I’ve answered well over 3,000 questions and at least six of them deserve to not just be buried in the archives.  

Okay, so that’s my policy.

Lately, I’ve received some angry comments from readers ripping me because I don’t post that certain weekend entries are reruns.  (Here comes the cranky part.). To those people and anyone else who has major issues with this humble blog:

How much are you paying for this?   Or, put another way, how much am I making for this?  Sixteen years of posting mostly every day and my compensation is what again?   How many blogs are even still going after sixteen years?  

You’ll also notice I don’t clutter my blog with ads.  I’ve been approached numerous times to do that. I’ve also been approached to move my blog to a subscription site behind a paywall.  I’ve declined.   

The bottom line is after sixteen years it’s getting harder and harder to maintain this blog. The reruns are necessary.  And how I choose to frame them is my call.  The alternative is ending the blog altogether.  And when that day finally comes, I fully expect these same people to angrily write in demanding refunds.  

Hopefully I never have to rerun THIS post again.

UPDATE:  Thank you all for the wonderful comments yesterday.  I'm not cranky anymore. 

Weekend Post

 

It’s not uncommon for writers to get fired off of film projects. You turn in a draft, the phone stops ringing, and then you learn that someone else has been hired to rewrite you. Larry Gelbart, at a WGA membership meeting debating one of our many contracts, spoke to the crowd of about a thousand and said, “At one time everyone in this room will rewrite everyone else in this room”.  He's right. 

But how many writers have been fired even before they wrote a single word? Not many. The only two I can think of are me and my partner, David Isaacs.  What a dubious distinction!

It’s 1980. Director Randal Kleiser is hot based on an unlikely hit movie he megged (I love that bullshit Hollywood term) called BLUE LAGOON. A young nubile Brooke Shields (before becoming the toast of Broadway) and pretty boy, Christopher Atkins are trapped on a tropical island together. They frolic for two hours and this audiences wanted to see.

So Kleiser gets a big development deal at Columbia. He has an idea for a coming-of-age movie set in an amusement park. David and I are hired to write it. We do. He loves it. The studio loves it. Everybody loves it. No one makes it but everyone loves it.

While we are writing the screenplay, Kleiser is busy writing and preparing the next movie he was going to direct, SUMMER LOVERS. This classic starring nubile Darryl Hannah and pretty boy, Peter Gallagher, is about a gorgeous young couple who fall in love one idyllic summer in picturesque Greece. BLUE LAGOON with Lachanodolmades.

We turn in our screenplay to much praise and get a call from Randal. He’s going off to Greece in a week to begin principal photography of SUMMER LOVERS. But he’s getting a little nervous about the script. Would we be interested in doing a fast rewrite? Nothing major. No story or structure changes. Just round out the characters and maybe add a little humor and dimension. A messenger drops off copies of the script. We read it overnight, meet in the morning to discuss what we’d like to do, and then drive over to Burbank to confab (another favorite bullshit Hollywood word) with him in his office on the WB/Columbia lot.

The meeting goes swimingly. He loves our suggestions. He laughs at the jokes we propose. He couldn’t be more effusive and enthusiastic. What we pitch is just what the script needs he says. So he sends us off to write it, complete with his blessing and thanks.

We drive back over the hill to my condo on the Westside. Takes about a half hour. We walk in my place and immediately the phone rings. It’s our agent. No pleasantries. She starts out with, “Just what happened in that meeting?” I was sort of thrown by the question. “It went great. Why?” I asked. “Well, it couldn’t have gone that great,” she said, “Columbia just called. They fired you.”

"What?!"

"You're no longer on the project."

"Even if we were never on the project."

"Yep.  Your services are no longer needed."

"What services?  We never started service."

"You're fired!"

So that was that.  We never found out why. My guess is Randal didn’t like our suggestions but was just too much of a wimp (an expression I shall use in place of the one I really want to use but am taking the high road – although you know the word I mean) to tell us face-to-face. Randal went off to the make the movie. I never saw it. It bombed. I don’t think our rewrite would have made a damn bit of difference.

By the time he had returned, our amusement park project was dead. We learned later that Columbia had no intention of ever making it. They wanted another BLUE LAGOON, not a teen comedy out of Randal Kleiser. They were just indulging him.  We didn’t know it at the time but we were always just spinning our wheels (back in the days when studios still paid for the spinning).

There’s no real moral to this story. The only advice I could give writers so that this never happens to you is, I guess, don’t ever come home taking Laurel Canyon.

Friday Questions

Spring Training finally begins and here are some Friday Questions during pitching changes.  

Elf starts us off:

Given everything you said about discarding jokes if they're too obvious or common, have you ever had a joke or even just a punchline you liked so much you kept it in your back pocket then tried to reverse engineer a scene around it? I think of the Aristocrats joke or Norm MacDonald's moth joke where there are very simple punchlines but they only work with the proper setup.

I can honestly say no.  At ALL times I serve the story and the characters, not a joke (no matter how great I think it is).  

To create or twist a scene to shoehorn in a joke is a sign of a bad writer.  

And similarly, if a joke, even a great joke, gets in the way of a scene, you must take it out.  

It’s not that good jokes are so easy to come by, but you have to preserve the integrity of your show (or script) above all, and to compromise that for the sake of a laugh is, to me, a cardinal sin.  

cd1515 queries:

You mentioned you’re looking for the sitcom that makes you laugh. Is it possible because of what you do and have done, and the thousands of jokes I’m guessing you have pitched and heard pitched, that you would always see it coming and nothing would make you truly laugh at this point, just because of your history?

That’s a fair question and the answer is no.  Nothing pleases me more than to see a form of entertainment that makes me genuinely laugh.  In terms of sitcoms, it may be harder because I have seen so many but fresh ones stand out.   

I’ll occasionally laugh at something from Weekend Update.  I participate in those one-day play festivals at the Ruskin Theatre and a number of fellow playwrights produce work that makes me laugh out loud.  John Mullaney always makes me laugh, so do a few other stand-ups.  CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM occasionally makes me laugh (I find it inconsistent but when they hit it — bullseye!).  Certain cartoonists in the New Yorker totally delight me.  

But rarely does a current sitcom make me laugh.  Sorry, they just don’t.  

From Todd Long:

My son is taking an "America in the 1970s" class in college, and this question was on the midterm: "What can a viewer expect to take away from an episode of MASH?" I was curious as to how you would answer that.

A reader responded in the comments section and answered it as well or better than I could.  So I’m posting that, with thanks to reader  JessyS.

Here is how I would answer the M*A*S*H question.

Though MASH is an anti-war series at its heart, it captures the heroics of a group of medical soldiers as they save lives on a daily basis. Like many sitcoms of that era, this show captures the era of life perfectly. Both the movie and series are based on real life experiences of the Korean War but also reflect the realities of Vietnam and the pictures shown on American TV screens as people were injured or died in battle.

Thanks, JessyS.

And finally, from DBenson:

What dictates how a character is written out or replaced, once an actor wants out or a suit decrees it? Do you try to keep (or make) a departing character sympathetic out of regard for the actor? Were you ever tempted to give an unpleasant actor a parting kick by making his/her character a jerk, or even by including physically uncomfortable action ("And then we dump the simulated bat guano ..."). Is there a case for or against making a character's departure a big event?

Just speaking for myself, the nature of the story dictates the reason for killing off a character.   

I’m sure some producers are vindictive, but we’re not.  We also haven’t killed too many.   (How many regulars on 24 got offed?  A dozen? 24?)  

David Isaacs and I had to kill off the Eddie LeBec character in CHEERS.  In that case, we had to make him unsympathetic so the audience would be glad Carla was rid of him.  That’s why we made him a bigamist.   But that was a tricky dance — making a previously lovable character unsympathetic while finding a funny way to do that.  I think we pulled it off and it’s one of my proudest episodes.  Sorry Eddie.

What’s your Friday Question? 

EP266: Do you believe in Hollywood miracles? YES!

Dan Erickson was working for Postmates and writing a spec pilot.  That spec became SEVERANCE on Apple + with Dan as the showrunner.  How did this Hollywood Dream come true?  Dan Erickson shares his inspirational story on this week’s episode.

Get 20% off your first order with code: HOLLYWOOD at https://trycaliper.com/HOLLYWOOD

More podcasts at WAVE: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/artist/wave-podcast-network/1437831426

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

The CHEERS St. Patrick's Day episode

I thought I'd get you in the mood for St. Patty's Day early.  This is a scene from a CHEERS David Isaacs and I wrote. One of the many Bar Wars episodes. In this one, it’s St. Patrick's Day. Woody had been guarding the bar all night in anticipation that Gary might try to pull something.

INT. BAR – MORNING

SAM TURNS ON THE LIGHT. HE ENTERS WITH CARLA AND NORM. WE SEE THE BAR IS ENCASED IN CINDER BLOCKS. SPRAY PAINTED ON THEM ARE “HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY.”

SAM
Oh my God. Gary.

CARLA
He topped it.

NORM
Walled off from the keg. I want him dead. His family… dead. His friends… dead. His pets…DEAD.

SAM
That rat! I’ll kill him!

NORM
I thought you were going to have Woody stand guard so this kind of thing wouldn’t happen.

WOODY (V.O.)
I’m sorry, Sam. I fell asleep.

CARLA
They bricked Woody up inside the bar.

NORM
First he marries a rich girl and now this. I tell you, that guy was born lucky.

NORM EXITS TO THE POOL ROOM.

CARLA
Boy, Sam. This thing is sealed up tight.

SAM
How you doing in there, Woody? You okay?

WOODY (V.O.)
I’m feeling a little light headed.

CARLA
Thank God, he’s okay.

NORM ENTERS FROM THE POOL ROOM OPENING A CAN OF BEER.

SAM
Hey, Norm, where’d you get that beer?

NORM
I’ve got a couple cans squirreled around the bar for emergencies. I always thought it would be a nuclear thing, but this qualifies.

AN IRISH BAND ENTERS. THEY’RE ALL WEARING CABLE-KNIT SWEATERS. ONE OF THEM IS NAMED SEAN.

SEAN
Where do you want us to set up, Mr. Malone?

SAM
How about right there? (POINTS UPSTAGE; THEN, TO THE GANG) See, guys? We can still win this thing. The band’s here, we’ve got the green beer… all we need to do is take down this wall and hustle like there’s no tomorrow. Okay? Now I want to see a winning attitude here. A little positivity.

THE BAND BEGINS TO SING AND PLAY A SLOW IRISH BALLAD:

SEAN
(singing) “They broke into our Dublin home, the dirty English dogs. They took away my sister and they beat my dad with logs.”

THEY BREAK INTO A QUICK UP BEAT IRISH JIG FOR A BEAT, THEN RESUME THE LYRICS:

SEAN
(singing) “Along the ring of Kerry you can hear the bleat of gulls, I’ll sip the blood of the English from their bleached and hollowed skulls.” (TO THE BAR) Everybody!!

WOODY (V.O.)
Boy, if they look as good as they sound, Gary’s doesn’t stand a chance.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BAR – LATER

ENOUGH OF THE CINDER BLOCKS HAVE BEEN CHIPPED AWAY TO RENDER THE BAR FUNCTIONAL. WOODY IS BEHIND THE BAR. THE BAND IS STILL PLAYING.

SEAN
(finishing a dirge) “…And everywhere I looked was death, death, death.”

A SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE.

SEAN
And now for a sad song. (STRUMS A CHORD, SINGS) “Twas a baby’s crib…”

SAM
(interrupting) That’s it! You’re finished. Here’s your money. Get out.

SEAN
Go to hell.

THE BAND EXITS.

SAM
Well, it’s over. I guess we should add up the receipts and see how we did.

CARLA
What’s the total, Woody?

WOODY
(figuring on a calculator) One million five hundred thousand dollars.

FRASIER
Decimal point, Woody.

WOODY
Hold everything. A hundred and fifty even.