Saturday, November 26, 2005

Thanksgiving leftovers

General Thanksgiving weekend musings:

The Macy’s Day parade is fun to watch only when it’s raining, snowing, windy, or five degrees. Otherwise, what’s entertaining about Al Roker interviewing second bananas from the NBC “hit” comedy, THE OFFICE, a production number from CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG, guys on unicycles, marching bands performing Sondheim, Wal-Mart 5 A.M Sale commercials, the Scooby Do balloon, and the phrase “for children of all ages”? And now, even when there IS a balloon accident they make no mention of it.

Meanwhile, the Hollywood Santa Claus Lane Parade, once a proud LA tradition, is now pathetic. And it’s not even because it’s no longer safe to go to Hollywood at night. Gone are the days when TV stars like Lucy and Jack Benny would be in the parade. Now they don’t even get Gypsy Boots, lasso expert Monty Montgomery, and Iron Eyes Cody hawking his new line of jewelry. Today it’s the disc jockeys from KTNQ and maybe Santa Claus if they can pour him out of the Frolic Room.

I WALK THE LINE is RAY with white people.

Oh God, holiday music begins. The only Christmas songs I like are “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Linda Eder and the Chipmunk Song.

And then there are the Christmas themed episodes on sitcoms. These stories all ran out in 1957. What to buy? I forgot to get a present for X. Oh no, I have to work, etc. All episodes end in a living room in front of a roaring fire or at the homeless shelter. And everyone learns a lesson they should have already known since they were five.


Since they always SAY the day after Thanksgiving is the worst shopping day of the year, with the biggest lines, why do people go????

What’s harder to find – Osama Bin Laden or a parking space at the Grove?

Gift suggestion: XM radio. Or any box set season of CHEERS or FRASIER that features episodes David and I wrote.

This is the one weekend a year when those idiots who never take down their Christmas lights are the smart ones.

No one other than Tommy Lasorda wants the Dodgers manager job.

Blog suggestions: And Both far better than mine.

I wonder if JACK-FM will be playing Christmas music. Why not? It fits well with their format of playing bad songs you haven’t heard in years and wished you never heard again.

CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM is getting too Jewish even for Jews. It’s become SEINFELD meets the CHABAD TELETHON.

I see that Shutters at the Beach is offering an 8 course gourmet Hanukah dinner on the 25th. So after their big gourmet Christmas brunch they’ll have three or four hours to junk all the Christmas decorations, put up a couple of menorahs, and throw around some dreidels. I want to see the look on the faces of the hotel guests who aren’t Jewish and just happen to stumble in there that night for dinner. “Kugel? What the fuck is kugel?”

Friends I know were cooking elaborate Thanksgiving dinners. My mother makes Stove Top stuffing and uses Heinz gravy, and you know what? I don’t care. I love it. And if some year I’m ever on the road, as long as there’s a Safeway I can have a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner.

The worst part of the holiday is putting your kids back on airplanes when it’s over. No, even worse is that SPANGLISH is on HBO every time you turn it on.

“Potato latkas? What the fuck are potato latkas?


Michael Markowitz said...

Thank you for three things:

1. Starting a blog

2. Plugging mine

3. Turning me on to Hoffmania

Job well done on all three!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely hystrerical!!!! Thanks for adding some laughter at the end of a very long Holiday week.