Saturday, December 02, 2006

The battle for Los Angeles

With the big UCLA-USC football game taking place this weekend much was written about the bitter rivalry between these two great institutions (well, UCLA is) and how rare it is to see this city divided. Huh??? For those of us who live here, Los Angeles is teeming with rivalries. Here are just a few examples.

The Eastside vs. the Westside (better known as 310 vs. 323) -- Eastsiders feel the west is snobby, arrogant, privileged. And worse, they can’t afford to live there themselves. Westsiders are, well…just afraid of the Eastsiders. And other than to venture to the Staples Center there’s no reason to go there. This year however, 310 was split into two area codes – 310 and 424. And now things have gotten really ugly. Neighbor at war with neighbor. Bel Air Security will have to hire additional drunk LAPD academy washouts to keep order.

Flood risk homeowners vs. Fire risk homeowners -- Personally, I’m on the side of the fire risk folk. I love every couple of years seeing Barbra Streisand and Barry Diller filling sandbags to save their Malibu Colony homes.

The Lakers vs. the Clippers -- Not very heated because Clipper fans are really Laker fans who can only afford Clipper prices.

The Dodgers vs. the Angels – The Dodgers have Vin Scully. The Angels can actually win playoff games.

SUV’s vs. every other car on the road – Especially when Westside women drive them. As my friend Dave Hackel observed, unless they put a Gelsons at the top of a mountain there’s no reason these women need four-wheel drive. A subset of this rivalry is all cars, (including SUV’s) vs. Hummers. I think we could shoot the several thousand Hummer owners and have room to bury them all in one Hummer.

KFWB vs KNX -- The two all-news stations. What makes this rivalry somewhat absurd is that the same company owns them both. Some newswriters are even asked to contribute to both stations. But to create that division that drives competition they only hire bi-polar newswriters.

Hollywood vs. West Hollywood – It’s a constant tug-of-war to see who is tackier, trashier, and has the most transsexuals.

Pilates vs. “Crunch” – Great animosity exists between women exercisers . On the one hand “Crunch” requires only a half hour, but pilate places provide easier parking for SUV’s.

KLAC vs KSPN – the two All-sports stations fight hard over the fifteen listeners who bother to tune in either one.

The Channel 5 Morning News vs. the Channel 11 Morning News – the limbo bar of local journalism (or is it bimbo bar?). Channel 11 gets the edge because their anchor, Jillian Barberie, also appeared on Fox’s “Skating with the Stars”.

Democrats vs. Republicans – Los Angeles politics that will determine the course of this city now and for our children – Nah, no one gives a shit.


Mike Barer said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mike Barer said...

There was potential for a Raiders vs Rams rivalry, but it turned out to be a rivalry of "who could leave town first?"

Anonymous said...

How the NFL could look at what's happening at USC and not be envious of them filling the Colluseum is unfathomable.

Diane said...

Thanks for addressing one of the biggest dangers facing us today . . . housewives driving SUVs. Just like kids getting motorcycle permits, these ladies should have to demonstrate that they can adjust to the necessary stopping distance and actually learn to park their Semi sized vehicles

Anonymous said...

What about the Los Angeles Kings and the (now not "Mighty") Ducks?

In this match-up, the Kings get Prongered in their Cloutier.

Anonymous said...

Now that the Clippers are respectable (okay mediocre), do they have any young courtside Nicholson types jumping on the bandwagon? I’m thinking maybe a Vince Vaughan or Matthew McConaughey. How about a young Diane Cannon type? Maybe a Tara Reid or Lindsay Lohan.

By Ken Levine said...

I used to see Billy Crystal at Clippers games. And Jim Brooks. If there is a celebrity, generally they sit with team owner, Donald Sterling.

Mike Barer said...

I think Clippers will always be a second tear team. Like the Nets and Jets. Of course, I thought the Angels would be but I think they are as popular the Dodgers and rightfully so since they are one of the few home grown teams.

Anonymous said... 'bout them Bruins!

U of M says "thanks"

Anonymous said...

Congrats to UCLA, with special props to the Bruins defense.

The last time they grabbed that much Booty was on a visit to the Playboy Mansion.

maven said...


By Ken Levine said...

I can't tell you how THRILLED I am over UCLA's victory. It's the David & Goliath story of the year. And knocking them out of the national championship game, it's poetry.

Anonymous said...

Congratulation on the Bruins' upset of what a onetime colleague referred to as the "University of Spoiled Children."

Howard Hoffman said...

Sweeeeeet! And how pissed off is H.D. Buttercup Furniture in Culver City? They took out an ad in the L.A. Times Friday. If you bought up to $2000 worth of furniture anytime before game time, it'll be free if UCLA wins.

Wonder if "H.D." is a smug USC fan or a thunderously loyal Bruins fan. And who cares?

Richard Cooper said...

Glad you're so personally thrilled, Ken, but as a former Trojanista (only spent a year there) I am a little disappointed in USC's inability to overcome creeping hubris and properly prepare for cross-town rival UCLA (which is twice as big and has the taxpayers of California bankrolling it.) See you at the Rose Bowl!

Mike Barer said...

I've always thought of USC as the "football school" and UCLA as the "basketball school" much has changed through the years, but USC can even the score with a victory over the Bruins in basketball.

By Ken Levine said...

I stand corrected.

Andy Ludlum, the newsdirector of KFWB emailed me the following. I hate when reality gets in the way of my jokes. Thanks, Andy, for the clarification.



Cute, but not true. There are no newswriters working on both stations, never has been. No air talent either with the exception of a joint special we did on Katrina and a Melinda Lee food feature. Some commercial copy crosses over, but even that is rare. A little rivalry is a good thing -- and you can do news in more than one style. The idea is to grow share of both stations at the expense of rivals, not each other.


Anonymous said...

"I think we could shoot the several thousand Hummer owners and have room to bury them all in one Hummer."

Wow, you must be an intelligent person by suggesting a genocide just because someone does something you don't agree with.