Wednesday, February 14, 2007

The BIG frozen APPLE

For all you relatively new readers to this blog, whenever I travel I file a travelogue. Just back from a trip so...

Went to New York for a reading of my play, UPFRONTS AND PERSONAL on February 12th. I figured, what better way to celebrate Abraham Lincoln’s birthday than at a theater?

Brought my long underwear. Okay, I looked like Mr. Incredible but no one saw me other than the maid who didn’t knock. On Fox5’s five day forecast for Tuesday it showed a low of 13 and described it as “chilly”. CHILLY??!! Are they kidding?? I’m here to tell you, it was downright “nippy”!

Actually, on Tuesday the low was 8. It’s the coldest weather they’ve had in two years and it lasted all week. Forget “nippy”. It was on the “cool” side.

But at least you can finally get a ticket to THE PRODUCERS. Of course, it now stars Tony Danza. (I wish that was a joke but it’s not.)

It was “Fashion Week” in New York although I obviously didn’t get the memo (wearing a stocking cap that someone affectionately likened to a condom). The world’s most successful bulimics converged on Manhattan to show off clothes only Nicole Richie could wear.

Taxi fares have gone up. And worse, some feature TV screens where you can watch NY10: Taxi Entertainment. Why look out the window and thrill to the sights of this vibrant city when you can watch STUDIO 60 promos and horseracing bloopers?

And now cabbies are all on cellphones…arguing… in languages only Borat could understand.

New hope for troubled marriages – there’s now a trapeze school on the Hudson River.

Stopped by Ellen’s Stardust Diner, a 50’s themed Times Square malt shop where the waiters and waitresses all hope to be discovered by singing “Suddenly Seymour” on a constant loop. Please stop long enough to take my order!

Ellen’s is the G-rated version of Lucky Cheng’s where all the waiters are drag queens. “Suddenly Seymour” has a whole new spin.

There’s one stretch of Madison Avenue where there’s no Starbucks for two whole blocks!! Oh how I miss the days of Chock Full o’ Nuts and Nedicks. I also miss musicradio 77WABC but every Saturday night they revert back to their heritage days. It’s audio bliss. All that’s missing is Dan Ingram and Cousin Brucie having an orgasm every time Gimbels has extended store hours.

It’s worth seeing THE LITTLE DOG LAUGHED at the Cort theatre just for Julie White. She was hilarious as the flamboyant easy-target Hollywood agent. For the specific jokes, see any FRASIER episode where Harriet Harris guest-stars.

Isaiah Thomas’ Knicks continue to struggle. Papers are calling it the “Thomas Clown Affair”. Since they were playing my beloved Clippers I had to swing by the Garden and check it out. I did not let my Clippers allegiance be known, not for fear of getting beaten up but because I don’t like being laughed at. A couple of idiots actually wore Clippers jerseys. Turns out they were players.

I should have gone the following night when Justin Timberlake performed. Or the night after when crews were preparing the hockey rink.

Speaking of hockey, how popular are the New Jersey Devils? Their televised game Saturday night drew 736 households. Out of 7.4 MILLION. I think even the CW would cancel a show that bad.

Nice try. There’s a “Cheesesteak Factory”.

Britney Spears was in town. Thought I saw her but it was just some other tramp throwing up in the street (or maybe a supermodel?). Note to Britney: Stop wearing the Star of David! Jews have enough problems.

Tony Danza in THE PRODUCERS?? David Hasselhoff wasn’t available? Oh that’s right. He’s starring in THE PRODUCERS at the Paris Spa in Las Vegas (sadly, also not a joke).

Near Soho is a hotel called the Rivington. From nearby roofs you can see right into their bathrooms and watch people taking showers. Inside the showers it must appear there’s one-way glass. There’s not. But to protect the all-important privacy of the guests, the hotel guarantees that no one can hear them sing.

Only in New York: A home-instruction schoolteacher billed the city for $5,864 for a 15 year boy who died six months earlier. Her justification: “I teach dead people”. Where she’s going she can tutor Al Capone.

A move is underway to ban ipod use on city streets. Crossing Lexington Ave. is not the time to catch up on last week’s DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

One “chilly” night I asked my cabbie to drive right into the lobby and leave me off by the elevators. Cost me an extra buck but it was worth it. Although, whatever the Khazakstani word for “pussy” is, I think he called me that as he sped away.

Does anyone other than coat check girls love this weather?

The NBC Experience store sells THE BIGGEST LOSER t-shirts. They know their clientele. I asked if there were any 20 GOOD YEARS mugs left. Seems they’re out. Same with their KIDNAPPED action figures.

Restaurant recommendation: “Il Cantinori” at 32E. 10th St. The guy next to us eats there five times a week. Okay, that’s nuts but the food and atmosphere are really terrific. It’s in the Village where funky local shops meet the Virgin MegaStore.

Tried to get a tour of Sirius Radio. Despite my twenty years of major market broadcast experience I was still deemed “just another schmuck off the street” so my request was denied. Reason #2877 why XM is better.

Ted Turner has a new restaurant – Ted’s Montana Grill in midtown. He has a huge buffalo head mounted and you just know he’d like one of Jane Fonda to go along with it.

Even Filene’s Basement has a great view!

The play reading went great. And I can’t wait to dive back into the script and make it greater. Thanks to my amazing cast (Chip Zien, Joanna Gleason, David Schramm, David Rasche, Andrew Rannells, Malcolm Gets, Nell Teare, Jonathan Todd Ross, Mike McCann), director (Janet Brenner), and everyone at CAP-21. So now I can say I’ve had a play off-Broadway that closed in one night!

Another perk: getting to meet a few of you readers. Thanks for coming out and laughing. Any chance any of you have a few million dollars you'd like to invest in a play???

A giant snowstorm was burying Buffalo and Syracuse (11 feet!) and was scheduled to slam Gotham the exact minute we were due to depart. So we managed to hop an earlier flight to Burbank. Of course we were still delayed due to weather. And that would have been okay except the flights to Buffalo and Syracuse left right on-time.

Didn’t make it to everyone’s favorite Indian fast food joint, “Curry in a Hurry” this trip. Maybe next time when Tony Danza is playing Frankie Valli in JERSEY BOYS.


Paul said...

I saw those Hasselhoff billboards all over Vegas last week... I must say I was intrigued. Not enough to buy a ticket, however.

montsinya said...

There's nothng like NY, eh! Greetings from Barcelona.

Will Teullive said...

Did you get a chance to listen to the "Mike and The Mad Dog" sports talk show on 660 WFAN?

Picture Tony Soprano paired with Squiggy from 'Laverne and Shirley'.

It's truly four hours of daily radio magic.

Anonymous said...

Well since I live here, I didn't have the opportunity to bail out and head for Burbank. I stayed inside for most of the storm, but had to go outside to shovel a couple of times.

If you want to know what the wind and snow felt like yesterday, try to get yourself invited to Dick Cheney's next hunting trip.

Lairbo said...

I second anonymous's observation about yesterday's weather. I feel especially bad for any clip-winged quail who happened to be in town.

Great to hear your take on NY. Someone of Tony Danza's, eh, stature (yeah, that's it!) appearing in a long(ish)-running Broadway hit is the theatrical equivalent of a shark jump. Traveling productions don't count, so Hasselhoff's tour of duty in Vegas is, however horrifying, disqualified.

Hope all is warm and toasty for you in the land of LA.

zazupitts said...

Sirius? Next time that happens, tell them you're interested in maybe buying time to launch a show. Tour? No problem.

Gail Renard said...

Personally I'm waiting for Tony Danza's Othello, with Loni Anderson as Desdemona.

barsoomcore said...

>> New hope for troubled marriages – there’s
>> now a trapeze school on the Hudson River.

I know the folks who run that. Well, their son. Lemme know if you want a discount, maybe I can hook you up.

Anonymous said...

I think Danza's next stop should be Rizzo.

Mark Bennett

Darren Mitchelstork said...

If you were still in NY, you could check out the HBO Store. That sounds like a stupid suggestion, I know, but after seeing that one picture, I kinda want to go, if only because that Sarah Jessica Parker head is straight out of Bar Wars V. She is the Carla hologram. "That would frighten even the most hearty of souls!"

Anonymous said...

It was a pleasure meeting you too. Sadly, I had to spend my last million dollars on a portable heater.

I dunno. I think PC Richard is price gouging.