Sunday, January 13, 2008

If 24 HAD been on

Like many of you, I was eagerly awaiting the beginning of another season of 24 Sunday night and am disappointed it will be put off for another year. However, I have EXCLUSIVE advance information on what happens the first four hours (two night premiere). The hell with a spoiler alert, you’re going to want to read this – whether you’re a 24 fan or not.

The following takes place between 1:00 and 2:00 PM.

It’s one year later. In an effort to slow things down in his life, Jack quits CTU and joins the U.S. Post Office, assigned to their Culver City branch. He’s making the adjustment well. For the entire first hour he is helping one customer. She needs stamps.


The following takes place between 2:00 and 3:00 PM

He finally says “next!” and his next customer is former colleague/computer geek/charm school drop out Chloe. She’s frantic. She just had a baby and it was kidnapped. If she doesn’t pay the ransom in one hour it will be killed. Jack asks why she waited until the last minute? She says she didn’t. She’s been in line for six hours! Fortunately, Jack is owed a break (since he hadn’t had one in over ninety minutes). He calls his daughter Kim who is currently kidnapped herself. Leave it to Kim to have a ‘tude. “I’ve been locked in this cellar for like what, eight months? And this is maybe the second time you’ve called?” Jack feels tremendous guilt for one second then presses on. Does Kim know anything about the Chloe kidnapping? “Oh sure, it’s always MY captors!” Jack says that’s not it. Maybe she’s heard something. Kidnapper scuttlebutt, shop talk, an inquiry to sublet the cellar? Kim says she’s got to go, they’re changing her ropes.

Chloe is beside herself but has to tell Jack that because he’d never guess from her blank expression. He vows to see what he can do but could Chloe help out by providing him the blueprints of every building in Los Angeles? She says no problem, that’ll only take a minute, and returns to CTU, which has now been relocated to where Tower Records used to be on the Sunset Strip (other than the electric fence that encircles it and the armed guards on the roof you’d think they were still open and selling the Taylor Hicks’ CD for 80% off).

Seven minutes later she has a lead. In a stroke of luck that could only happen on 24 it seems the ransom note was written on personal stationery. Abdul-Paula Shakira, terrorist organizer/AMPTP public relations consultant. Fortunately he’s only two blocks away. Jack hijacks a mail truck and heads over there. The postal inspector is irate. Jack has broken protocol! A madcap chase ensues at 5 m.p.h. with other postal vehicles in hot pursuit. Shots are fired. Hundreds are dead.

While in one of the many tunnels that Culver City is famous for, Jack gets a call on his cellphone. Reception is perfect! It’s former President Wayne Palmer, now a sous-chef at Duke Ziebert’s in Washington D.C. He just learned that Jack’s former flame Audrey Raines has had another breakdown. She thinks she’s an actress. Audrey's been admitted to the local drooling academy. They’re scheduled to administer shock treatment that will probably kill her, or at least render her lifeless (which is how she always was anyway).

Jack calls Chloe. Stall the kidnappers. He has one thing he has to do first. What? Fly to Washington D.C. and rescue Audrey. Chloe is upset (not visibly or audibly of course). She got him the blueprints and everything. Jack is annoyed. Why doesn’t anyone trust him? He’s saved the world seven times already for Chrissakes! You’d think he’d be entitled to a little respect. Chloe begrudgingly says okay but still believes he took steroids. New co-worker Karl Rove overhears this conversation and sends a text message to his Iranian wife who is in the middle of breaking down an M-16. Jack turns around and heads to LAX, which conveniently is only two blocks away. Audrey is in a padded cell doing the Faye Dunaway “wire hangers” speech from MOMMY DEAREST. Kim’s captors are filling out their tax forms, listing her as a deduction.


Next two hours tomorrow.


Anonymous said...

Hey wait a minute. On the plus side, it was Pres. Palmer who brought back the G-Man Special to Zeibert’s -- even though noboby’s yet figured out why they’d name liver and onions after Jedgar Hoover. Thanks for the DC memories though.

That said, as a new KABC online listener here in Dallas, you guys were pretty good tonight. But how did you post this 24 thing at 9:40pm PST? During Ruff McGruff? Faked a bathroom break? This will mean absolutely nothing to anybody who was not hanging on every word as I was, but, in no particular order:

The difference between Pamela Anderson’s fake boobs and Barry Bonds’ fake muscles is fewer of us have lost money betting against Ms. Anderson’s boobs. How come they never grill those hydrocephalic cartoon characters at Disneyland about steroids? Marion Jones went to jail for lying to the government, because you’re only allowed to lie if you are the government. Does this mean I have to turn in my prostate for taking that Olympic hurdler medication Flomax?

You think the golf channel is slow? We’ve got two Sunday morning fishing shows up against each other. Thank God for editing.

Now Sharpton’s complaining that he wanted Kelly Tilghman fired, but the network Jewed it down to a two-week suspension. Now if only somebody can come up with a Chinese woman named Lynn Ching who would be willing to take offense at Sharpton finding her name offensive>.

But I kid the blacks and the Jews and the Chinese. Why do I kid? Because a Jew and a black guy were in a Chinese restaurant arguing about whether or not there were any Chinese Jews. Finally the Jew calls the waiter over and says, “We’re having an argument, are there any Chinese Jews?” The waiter says, “No.” Not satisfied the Jew asks again, you mean there’s no such thing as Chinese Jews?” The waiter says, “No. No got Chinese juice. Got orange juice, grapefruit juice, pineapple juice, tomato juice, but not got Chinese juice.” [Buddy Hackett, circa 1975]

PS: If the woman was right, and Tiger didn’t consider himself black, then no harm no foul. Now if we can only get that damned Huck Finn out of the school library, because there are now finally enough of us who have completely missed the point.

Anonymous said...

Most of that goof was better written than Season 6.

Someday, someone will ask me how to fix 24 and on that day, I will tell them EXACTLY how to fix this show.

Anonymous said...

Is it "cellar" or "seller"? I'm just asking because english is my 2nd language and I am still learning (in my 25th year) ;-)

Rob said...

I've always looked to 24 as a warning about what could happen to the United States if we're not ever vigilant. Last season showed us what could happen if the Writers Guild ever went on strike and shows were run by people with no concept of story, plot, or dialogue. Thank God the world has not yet come to......


Bitter Animator said...

Oh dear. With America's Top Dog and other stunning reality tv shows announced, I think writers are about to lose all leverage in the strike. Honestly, how could you possibly compete with such soon to be classics as that and 'Game Show in my Head'?

Rob said...

...He calls his daughter Kim who is currently kidnapped herself...

I have to admit I misread this and thought it said, "He calls his daughter Kim, who currently HAS kidnapped herself."

Which honestly, seems much more appropriate somehow.

Anonymous said...

"Oooh, I'm kidnapped, and I've been a bad, bad girl."

Yeah, I like the sound of that.

Anyways, I don't really mind that 24 was put off for another year. The last season was lackluster and simply sucked.

Anonymous said...

What with strike and slumping ratings, I hear they were only getting a half season order anyway.

Cue the gravel voiced announcer:

"Jack Bauer saves the world again. This fall. On Thirteen!"

Michael said...

Much better than any season of 24.

Anonymous said...

It's so funny Jack Bauer said "I'll drink to that."

If we can't have fresh TV, at least we have Ken Levine.

Producers come back to the table!

Anonymous said...

a. buck short - whose blog is this?

Robert Rouse said...

Oh great. I knew I'd be missing some good television, but come on, now I really feel cheated. What's next, are you going to tell me that "CSI: Mayberry" has been canceled? And I was really hoping Barney would find out who was breaking beer bottles on the courthouse wall.