Wednesday, February 04, 2009

The latest on women's orgasms!!!!

Bad news guys – according to a recent scientific study, size does matter.

The size of your bank account.

Women experience more orgasms with rich guys. Again, this is from an independent scientific study, not something commissioned by Tom Leykis.

“Women’s orgasm frequency increases with the income of their partner,” said Dr Thomas Pollet, the Newcastle University psychologist behind the research.

He believes there is an “evolutionary adaptation” that is hard-wired into women, driving them to select men on the basis of their perceived quality.

So does that mean all women are genetically programmed to be gold-diggers? You mean Paula Fortunato didn’t marry Sumner Redstone, who’s 40 years older and looks like a withered fungo bat, for LOVE? Her divorce coming at the exact moment of the stock market collapse was not purely coincidental?

And can we then assume that all women’s orgasms have been way down since October?

For a long time women were accused of being too superficial, too interested in looks. How great for their esteem and dignity to learn that MONEY is all they care about!

These studies have been conducted in China, America, and Germany – arguably the three most romantic countries in the world.

I’m not quite sure what the testing methods were, maybe comparing wives’ orgasms with their wealthy husbands vs. their gardeners and pool boys. Perhaps researchers walked the corridors of the Four Seasons and the Travelodge comparing the level of shrieking.

But wait. There’s more!

David Buss, professor of psychology at the University of Texas, in his book The Evolution of Desire believes female orgasms have several possible purposes (besides the obvious one – why would they put up with men otherwise?).

“They (the orgasms) could promote emotional bonding with a high-quality male (i.e. one who drives a Ferrari) or they could serve as a signal that women are highly sexually satisfied, and hence unlikely to seek sex with other men,” David Buss said. “What those orgasms are saying is ‘I'm extremely loyal, so you should invest in me and my children’."

Women? Your thoughts?

I contend this study is only partially true. Yes, women do have more orgasms with rich men – more fake orgasms.


Unknown said...

Oh please! I agree that it may "induce" more fake orgasms... but it doesn't matter if a guy is rich or poor. The bottom line is that if he doesn't know how to get his woman off then it's just plain old bad sex.

I'd say that a great deal of the woman's real orgasm is psychological but what's more important than looking at his wallet is whether or not she can respect him. No respect, no desire. (Enter fake orgasm left stage.)

wcmartell said...

I'm going to write Fox and *demand* Cavuto give us an orgasm update in his report. If 100 of us write in with the same demand... what would happen?

- Bill

YEKIMI said...

Well, I'm poor. So I guess I couldn't even give a nymphomaniac an orgasm. Wonder if they'd settle for a really good handshake.

Anonymous said...

Dear Ken~
Sumner Redstone boldy and shamelessly hit on me at Toscana in Brentwood. This was in the early 90's when he was SOOOO much younger.
I was unable to squeeze him in to my hectic schedule. Something also told me he had looooong balls.
I dunno. Lucky guess.

Anonymous said...

ps: I give myself real orgasms every night. And apparently orgasms require neither money nor man.... to (help me) achieve my goals. Plural.
Howevah~I LOVE men. I do. Really. And I love giving men orgasms as much as I enjoy having them. What's my point?
Is Sumner Redstone still in charge of anything?

Anonymous said...

Sumner Redstone is in charge of laundry, filing of receipts and creating awkward silences at parties.

Anonymous said...

While it never referred to orgasms, I have read something about how desirability to the male was critical to female evolutionary development. It's part of of a chain of events:

Walking upright--narrowing of the pelvic canal--babies born smaller/earlier to get through--need for additional care--women developing elements that attract males willing/able to support them
(including going from limited periods of estrus to a continual ability/interest in reproductive activity)

Verification--"vensi"...I took three years of Latin in school and KNOW this means something, but I can't remember.

Anonymous said...

I dated a rich guy (well richer than what I usually go for anyway) and he had the smallest pecker in the world. I didn't even bother trying to fake orgasms and he still insisted on spoiling me around every corner. So I don't think money has anything to do with it. At least not in my world.

Corinne said...

What is the difference between good sex and great sex?

Attention to detail.

And I don't mean the kind of detail you find on any bank statement.

WV: machlyp - kinda a propos for this conversation.

Anonymous said...

I studied under David Buss when I was a grad student at Austin. I can tell you the man is a nutcase. Evolutionary psych is about as valid as Freud.

For obvious reasons (like I'd like to remain employed now and can't have him as an enemy), I won't leave my name.

You can take my word for it or not.

Anonymous said...

Ahh, where is Dr. Crane when we need him most?

EK said...

Ken, this is going to put you right back in that porn category. Then we'll all have to write to them again and say your blog is not really porn. Then if enough of your readers do that, . . . . I think I have a headache. I wonder how that might affect orgasms???

rob! said...

That picture of that chippie with the Crypt Keeper Sumner Redstone made me a little nauseous.

Thanks, Ken, thanks, Unforgiving Reality.

Appropriate: my WV was "Oldenn"

MaryAn Batchellor said...

All this proves is that certain classes of women are too politely raised or comfortable with their circumstances to out their husbands to a stranger over a phone survey. Ever seen society women bitch slapping each other on Springer?

Anonymous said...

Ah, shamelessly going for the porn rating again, aren't you, Ken? I knew you protested that a little too much.

I agree with Corinne, it's all about the detail, baby!

This is one place where I disagree with the idea of fake it 'til you make it. If you fake, how will they ever learn?

P.S. I can't believe Tallulah has nothing to say about this topic!

Anonymous said...

Not only looooong, they’re also apparently red, perhaps striving for purple? But you had to have been there. I’ve got nothing against the guy; heck, good luck to him. But I do keep replaying a scene in my mind with Mr. R exclaiming, “God, I’d give my right hand for a piece of ass like that!” Then actually doing so for the nurse he was allegedly shacked up with, when Boston's Copley Plaza Hotel caught fire in ’79, and he was rescued hanging from a third floor window. The aforementioned limb being the only part still in the room, securing his position on the ledge.

The difference between Sumner Redstone and me is that if I were to lose my own right hand, I’d be yelling, “Crikey, there goes half my sex life!” But the orgasm study does answer a lot of questions, such as why I always leave feeling like an I.O.U. with a penis.

Incidentally, and honest, I’m not making any of this up – you can probably tell, because I forget whether I’ve ever had occasion to mention this before – but my wife and I were in a much less inflammatory Copley Plaza Hotel fire several years later. Allegedly a disgruntled employee may have started a fire in a paint cabinet – whatever a paint cabinet is. We were staying in the hotel’s Yul Brynner Suite; so named because it was the room where Yul stayed during an extended run of “The King and I” at the Schubert – during which he also was said to have contracted trichinosis while dining at the Trader Vic’s in the Statler Hilton down the block. (Reminder, I am not making any of this up.)

When the alarm went off, we did what I assume most others in the hotel did, opened the door, didn’t see any smoke, and went back to bed – an odd 4-poster, so high off the ground, that it literally required climbing a 3-stair device to get up on the mattress. Suffice it to say at least one of us had big plans for the evening. Five minutes later, the hotel intercom announces something to the effect of, “No, we’re not kidding, this is really a fire; everybody please take the stairs in an orderly fashion and get your asses the hell outside.”

The spanking new Westin Copley Place had recently opened across the street. OK, spanking is just a guess; what people do in the privacy of their own hotel rooms is their own business. But the point is, before they got all the kinks out – insert your own qualifier here too – the Westin had 3 false alarms involving circuit breakers, reported by the Boston Globe, in which guests had been sent across the street to the Copley Plaza as a precaution. I knowingly turned to my wife and said, “Let’s beat the crowd and head directly on over to the Westin – they owe the Copley 3 fires."

I guessed right. At one in the morning, the Westin already had an evacuee’s hot chocolate buffet set up, hotel blankets as needed, and we snagged the best seats by the second floor picture window from which to view the BFD entering and exiting the hotel across the street. As I recall, the jokes included the firemen not being allowed admission to the building, because it already had enough guests in latex ensembles or because they weren’t wearing neckties (the hotel restaurant and bar still maintaining a no-tie, no-service rule into the 80s).

Tom Quigley said...

Well, I guess that study means that the only way for me to enjoy mutually pleasurable sex is alone in my room, looking at the ceramic Snow White piggy bank with $1.25 in it that I got off of eBay...

Anonymous said...

What about counterfeiters?

Unknown said...

You know I don't believe in such studies but then again I am also a guy who believes in love. I want to love the person I have sex with and I won't ever again sleep with somebody who doesn't give me the feeling that she does too.

That said: the rest of the world is different, full of horny (expletive) and golddigging (another expletive) so this study can very well be right.

In the end it all comes down to this: life sucks and then you die. Because of studies like this I'm a cynical agnostic. Yet I fall in love on a two to three year average which means I got at least another ten to twenty love stories I can look forward to. And that's what keeps me going. Somewhere out there there's a woman who just as "broken" as I am (in the sense of not being like the rest of the ape world).

I can't even laugh about what you wrote Ken, for it's just another way of rationalizing things. The only way to do that is to believe that you and your wife are different than the rest of the mess we live in.

Who cares about this when you know that happyness is more than the sumn of all orgasms.

Anonymous said...

“What those orgasms are saying is ‘I'm extremely loyal, so you should invest in me and my children’."

Um . . . my orgasm don't talk, but if they could, they'd probably say something less complicated - like, "Hey, could you do that again?"


These studies seem a little goofy, but I could see a there being an indirect correlation. Like women with wealthy partners have more comfortable lifestyles/less stress/more time for physical fitness.

I bet it's pretty amazing what a $40/hr yoga class can do for sexual stamina.

Anonymous said...

Does this mean Robin Colcord and Evan Drake are better in bed than Sam Malone?

A said...

Now I understand why sex is always better on my husband's payday. "MmmmmMmm...automatic-deposit

Srsly, I love independent studies.

Did they have people fill out a questionnaire? Well, that's always valid. Nobody lies on those. Or did they hook up several women with probes or something during actual intercourse to check whether they were faking or not? Inquiring minds here!

Bah. What makes men orgasm is the same thing that makes women orgasm; it could be anything and nobody knows except that person.

The trigger could be bank accounts or it could be bubble just never know until it happens.

MmmMmm....bubble wrap...


Anonymous said...

My guess is that higher bank balances produced a feeling of security, freeing our minds from worry and stress. The brain, which is where real sex happens.

Anonymous said...

It could be partially true. Lack of money = stress. Stress leads to mental distraction and worry, including during sex.

Plus, while this wasn't true during my early 20's, now that I'm in my early 30's, men with little or no money aren't as attractive usually, because that is a pretty good sign they aren't doing much with their lives. That's not totally true, though - men who are more focused on some sort of worthy non-profit than on an alternate career are still pretty damn sexy.

Beth Ciotta said...

"I agree that it may "induce" more fake orgasms... but it doesn't matter if a guy is rich or poor. The bottom line is that if he doesn't know how to get his woman off then it's just plain old bad sex."


What JPAres1 said. :)

Anonymous said...

As an experiment, I drove around Hollywood, occasionally pulling up to a curb and flashing a wad of bills. EVERY TIME, several scantily clad women came over to meet me. Sometimes they even argued about who got there first. But when they saw that all I had was short stack of dollar bills, they immediately lost interest. So I think this study is onto something.

Kirk said...

Take a good look at that one picture.

I think Mr. Redstone might be wanted for questioning.

healioni: Italian health food.

Tallulah Morehead said...

"rms said...
P.S. I can't believe Tallulah has nothing to say about this topic!"

I'd have commented sooner, but it took me two days to finish reading A. Buck Long's three-volume novel of a comment. I understand that Buck and ABC have reached an agreement whereby his comment will conclude at the end of its 6th season, in 2010.

As for me and size well, I've always been a one-size-fits-all type of gal, although the size has to be extra-huge. If you can complete an erection without a transfusion, come back when you're grown up, little man.

Basically it all comes down to bulge; if a man's crotch doesn't bulge enough, than his wallet better.

As for whether rich men give me more and/or better orgasms, they don't need to. Just hand over the cash and I can acquire the orgasms on my own.

In any event, I stopped caring if a man had money back when my mid-1960s husband Al Bronze died and left me the entire Whoopsi-Cola Company, and all its worldwide holdings. Do you think a woman my age (111) could give a 25-year-old-stud orgasms if I weren't wealthy?


Anonymous said...



This is a new angle!

This all goes back to my plan to create a new series starring Don King as a banker.

Can you imagine Don King giving some financial advice to newlyweds using THIS study? With rhymes and alliteration?

I may need bodyguards to keep my melon from getting stoved in from all the ducats and Emmys raining down on my.


Because I am an amazing guy, I will now give you my Emmy acceptance speech:

[keep in mind I do a KILLER George C. Scott]



Here goes.

Levine! You magnificent bastard! I read your blog!!

blogward said...

Shame this didn't, er, come out when you were writing Frasier. There's a whole Marty/Frasier/Niles/Daphne thing happening there.

WV: subes = the pubes you miss when you have a Brazilian.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I've been to a Travelodge, and the only shrieking a woman does there is when her boyfriend's meth lab blows up.

Anonymous said...

Tallulah, you peeked.

Anonymous said...

Would it help get women off if you wrap your dingus in $100 bills?

Size does matter if you just have the top one or two in a C-note. You can have the rest with George Washingtons unless you get some TARP money.

Anonymous said...

There. There. No. A little higher. Right there. Harder. Yes. Yesss. Yesssssssssss...
Oh baby. You are so good.

Hey, don't forget it's garbage night.

Cap'n Bob said...

Well, Anonymous, I've used a $20 bill as a condom. I've always wanted to come into money.

When I tell a woman I'm good in bed the standard reply is, "That's rich, Bob." Maybe that report is onto something.

Fake boobs, fake orgasms. No wonder all those pinups want a man with a sense of humor. It is to laugh.

I've been trying to fake my orgasm for years. In coffee shops.

WV: sally. A woman who fakes orgasms in public. (Really, that's my word verification.)

Anonymous said...

On the contrary. Being a "gold digger" means that you make a conscience decision to pick the guy you "don't love", because he has money.

The fact that this is hard-wired in their genes, means they actually do love the guy they pick, because of his money. After all, love is whatever chemical reaction we experience when we "truly" like someone (or did you think there was some kind of "magical" absolute definition of it, independent of the human condition, which as it turns out includes a gold-digging gene?)

Anonymous said...

WV: pugly. Those dogs are really ugly.

Kirk said...

Jbryant mentioned driving to street corners, waving money, and attracting women.

I'm not sure why, but this doesn't seem to work if the car you're driving is a Crown Victoria.

Mary Stella said...

Here all this time, I thought it was my ex-boyfriend's lack of technique, not his lack of steady income. If he'd gotten a new job, would our sex life have improved?

Anonymous said...

In my personal opinion I love my boyfriend a lot... and he isn't the most wealthy guy. He gave me three orgasms in a row this morning!