Monday, March 02, 2009

Hawaii 3-0 part two

Part one here.
Hawaiian sunsets are God’s masterpiece.

Especially on Sundays at Little Beach. Aged hippies take off all their clothes, bang on drums, salute the sun going down, and smoke enough Maui Wowie to withstand looking at each other without any clothes.

Every trip to the islands I check out the local TV news anchors. It’s a revolving door of attractive Hawaiian women who studied journalism in charm school, transplants from Oregon, and Joe Moore. I love Joe. He’s the only newscaster in town with real credibility. And that’s even after starring as Ralph Kramden to Pat Sajak’s Ed Norton in a local stage production of THE HONEYMOONERS. “You know what we do with those terrorists, Alice? I’ll tell ya what we do with those terrorists. Bang! Zoom! Weekend weather is next!

Rumor has it Hawaii hosted the Pro-Bowl (NFL’s all-star game)! In 2010 the event moves to Miami. In 2013 someone in Honolulu will notice.

But the real excitement was WHEEL OF FORTUNE filming on the islands, with Pat Sajak. “Hell-oooo vowel!”

James A. Michener was inspired to write HAWAII on the islands. My daughter, Annie worked on her spec BIG BANG THEORY.

Do not miss Mama’s Fish House (pictured left). Spectacular cuisine. Frank Sinatra, Aerosmith, and Abe Lincoln have eaten there so you know it’s good. Also try the General Store in Hali’imaile. It’s the best middle-of-nowhere restaurant you’ll ever (hopefully) find. The sashimi napoleon is orgasmic!

Not all Hawaiian music is the same. And a lot of it is gorgeous.

Maui onions cost more on Maui than in Los Angeles.

On the other hand, you get some pretty good deals on wine at Longs Drugs.

Sugar in the raw packets: sugar from Hawaii, packaged in Brooklyn.

A new Wolfgang’s Steakhouse opened on Oahu. And all the big celebrities turned out including Dog the Bounty Hunter.

I kept expecting the time-traveling members of the LOST cast to materialize one day in the Grand Wailea pool. And just before a cabana boy (who is really Sun’s half-brother and used to be Kate in another life) shoots them for not having guest wristbands, poof! They disappear and wind up in 1830 where they help Abe Lincoln build his grass cabin.

There are more Kindles on the beach than books.

What to do when the wind gusts up to 40 m.p.h. – take a whale watching sunset cruise. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a humpback whale… laughing at you.


Golf Truism: You can’t pick up a club for the first time in twenty years and expect to hit worth a shit. I was Jerry Lewis in THE BELLBOY with a 5 iron.

I can’t believe how fast the month sped by. Only two days of heavy rain, three of hurricane-like wind, no statewide power outage the entire time, a mere 47 bug bites, and I only got sick once (whale retching). But I am left with cherished memories and from now on every time I see a penny or a five dollar bill I will automatically think of Hawaii.



Anonymous said...

Sugar in the raw packets: sugar from Hawaii, packaged in Brooklyn

True story: Rome, December, 1970. First dinner in a REAL Italian restaurant. Breadsticks in cellophane wrappers, which read "Made in Hackensack".

Anonymous said...

Nude people in the water? Someone's angling for their site to be reclassified porn again :-)

Anonymous said...

By coincidence, the episode of WHAT'S MY LINE that aired on the Game Show Network today, from the summer of 1959, featured O.E. Long--one of Hawaii's first two Senators. He had been sworn in the previous week, after official ratification of statehood.

And now that you are back home, are you going to participate in No Cussing Week, as proclaimed by the L.A. County Board of Supervisors?

Karen from Mentor said...

"Golf Truism: You can’t pick up a club for the first time in twenty years and expect to hit worth a shit. I was Jerry Lewis in THE BELLBOY with a 5 iron."

lol, but how did you putt?

Anonymous said...

Shaka Ken, you finally made it to Little Beach. Way to hang loose. The best time to go to Little Beach is in the summer. The body surfing is outrageous.

Did you receive any stink eye for using the camera?

Mike said...

@Simon H.: Using "nude people in the water" and "angling" in the same breath does not evoke pleasant images.

WV: mondi -- first day of the work week in the midwest.

Anonymous said...

Aloha Ken,
Was that you with 3 other passengers in a rent-a-car last Saturday afternoon hording the exit of a gas station by Savers and blocking oncoming traffic on Dairy Road in Kahalui?

Cap'n Bob said...


Anonymous said...

Thanks Cap'n.

Perhaps 'obstructing' is a better word choice.

Was a bit of a sitcom moment,
couldn't have been...
Must clean the rainbows out of my eyes.

Unknown said...

Ken, ken, ken. Just when Hawaii begins to dawn on you, so to speak, you pick on our funny language to make fun of. EKOLU means #3. Like, you were living in the third unit ... which you coulda owned had you listened to da guy. And ... there is no Polynesian word for putz,

But I'll take a free book plug. Amazon takes longer to ship, and more kala -- that is Hawaiian for MONEY, Beev. So order direct from Honolulu!


PS - Didja hear on Joe Moore: Hawaii and Utah are #1 consumers of US porn. Orin Hatch masturbating, now THAT is a filthy image!

Honolulu said...

Nude old people in the beach!!!Ridiculous