Tuesday, June 01, 2010

I should replace Simon Cowell

I mentioned this on Twitter and Facebook and got an unbelievably positive response. Three, maybe four people at least. So I’ve decided to really go for it.

I’m throwing my hat in the ring. I should replace Simon Cowell on AMERICAN IDOL. Crazier things have happened. Look who our governor is.

And I figure if enough people write to the producers on behalf they’ll eventually have to stop saying “who?”

The truth is, being an unknown works to my advantage. Simon was an unknown when the show first premiered. It helps that the audience has no preconceptions. At first Simon was known merely as “that fucking guy”. Ironically, that’s what people call me. Even the ones who know me. Especially the ones who know me.

As for music credentials: I was a disc jockey for many years. No, I never produced records, wrote banal songs, or hosted my own daytime talk show but I can talk right up to the vocals. So I know what makes a hit record. I’d be critiquing the contestants from a whole new fresh angle. “Siobhan, that was a terrible song selection. How can anybody read the weather over that?”

This might lead to brand new theme nights. “Billboard Number One” weeks and “Sinatra” weeks are sooo old and tired. It’s time to shake things up. I foresee “:12 second intro week”, “:20 second intro week”, and even “Top of the Hour ID” week.

Simon’s replacement has to be brutally honest. Ever hear me talk about Andruw Jones on Dodger Talk? He’s been gone for two years and just last night on the air I blamed him for the oil spill. Imagine what I could do to some sweet little 16-year-old waif who missed a note singing "The Lord’s Prayer".

And then there's the flip side (more music jargon, I tell ya, I'm a natural): Simon also praises contestants if he feels they’ve earned it. So like Mr. Cowell, if she’s cute and blond and has no tattoos I too plan to slather on the compliments.

I know from time to time I would have to spar with Ryan. But just as the members of the Algonquin Round Table felt they could hold their own in a battle of wits with the busboy, I’m reasonably confident I could handle Ryan Seacrest.

The producers always like it when there’s some friction between the judges. So they would really love me. We wouldn’t have to fabricate weenie little feuds like they’ve always done in the past. When I say “Jesus, Randy, do you really only know ten words?” or “Kara, I swear, if you say ‘artist’ one more time I’m going to jam your face into that Coke cup, “ or “Ellen, does Portia even think you’re funny?” there will be REAL fireworks! Watch the ratings soar! COUGAR TOWN will be your bitch!

Again, I’m going to need your help, blogosphere. If everyone who reads this pathetic cry for attention merely enlists 12,000 of their closest friends to also call, or send in letters, or email, or Tweets, or texts (basic text messaging rates do apply and don't call until everyone has read the entire article) I think I’ll have a good shot.

And maybe this will provide a little more incentive. If I get the job and you audition for me, just say "I contacted Simon Fuller at 8560 West Sunset Blvd., West Hollywood, Ca. 90069 on your behalf" and I'll pick up on that secret code and send you through to Hollywood. What the hell? You can't be worse than Jason Castro.

AMERICAN IDOL needs help. I need help. It’s the perfect marriage.

I thank you for your support.


Liam said...

If I'm being honest (sip Coke, roll eyes at booing) that blog entry was horrific. It was like reading a description of a train wreck. If you want to win this thing, you've got to be completely and utterly committed to being an asshole. I mean, come back next week...lose any respect you have for women. That includes Ryan Seacrest. You can't just verbally spar with him, you have to want to destroy him. We have to see it in your eyes that you desperately want to crush his tiny manhood between your thumb and forefinger. Yeah? Good. That said, it was a very good subject choice for you, and I liked all the joking. (awkward pause while director cues music)

15-Seconds said...

You have my vote Ken. Tell me what the 800 number is and I will start robo calling.

Getting the gig may be an uphill battle, however. The producers might fear that, during the "judges pick the song" week,you'd opt for "God Bless America" or the "National Anthem."

I'd recommend the later -- since the singer is guaranteed a standing O unless, of course, the guest mentor that week is Rosanne Barr)

Roger Owen Green said...

But it would overlap with baseball season! And everyone knows that baseball is more important than...what was the name of that show again?

Chris Shelley said...

I enlisted 11,999 friends. I'll work on getting that last one for you. It's the least I could do to help the ratings at FOX.

jbryant said...

Do you really want to hear a bunch of desperate young people butchering "Suicide is Painless" and "Where Everybody Knows Your Name" just to get on your good side? If I have to hear the next William Hung torturing "Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs," I'll never forgive you.

A. Buck Short said...

Oh sh**t! I accidentally wrote you should replace Betty White. My bad. As for your intros, I’m gonna have to give ‘em only a 7: I really like the lyrics, but found them hard to dance to. Jbryant, thanks for that last precious image.

WV womato: desperate and out of cucumbers.
Yes, and I'm sorry.

Anonymous said...

Simon Cowell's TV debut on a really cheezy british game show


Kevin Arbouet said...

I can't vote for you.

You liked Siobhan.

And you think Alanis Morrisette is a black woman.

Gary said...

Do you think any of us are going to write actual letters, using paper and ink/toner, envelopes and stamps? Is 1st class postage still 6-cents...13 for air mail?

Mike Schryver said...

I think this is a great idea, Ken. I just have one question.

"And then there's the flip side (more music jargon, I tell ya..."

What sort of thing are you talking about flipping?

Cap'n Bob said...

I'd love to hear you talk right up until the AI contestant started singing. I hate it on radio but on that show it would be great.

Mike said...

Here's a comedy test
"And what do you do?"
"Er, I work in a chicken factory"
The pause, the horror: a moment of pure genius from a programme of complete bilge.

J S Swanson said...

Great idea. But if you're serious, you'd better take a page from the Betty White handbook & set up your own Facebook "I should replace Simon Cowell" site. And you'd better do it quick. I understand that Mary Murphy aka The Horrible Screaming Woman)formerly of So you think you can dance? is already making similar overtures ...

Dr. Leo Marvin said...

I'll bet you're the only person lobbying for this job who could land Loretta Swit and Manny Ramirez as guest judges.

Bob Summers said...

Hey, what would happen to your radio and baseball career if you did this?

chalmers said...

If it were up to me, the first think I'd do would be to flop Ryan and Ellen.

Ryan's gotten much more sarcastic and after nine years with the show and more as a DJ, he has enough music cred. He could fill Simon's "lead judge" chair.

This puts Ellen in a much more natural hosting role for her. She wouldn't have to be critical of the singers and wouldn't expose her lack of musical knowledge.

Then, I'd replace Kara with Shania Twain. She was strong as both a judge and mentor. She'd bring in the country fans, but certainly has crossover appeal. Plus, she was married for awhile to one of the top rock producers.

Finally, I'd say goodbye to the Dawg, and see if Jimmy Iovine could take the record exec role. He's pretty good on camera, doesn't mind being critical and has a strong background in both rock and rap.