Thursday, September 30, 2010

How'd you like to hang out with Hugh Hefner?

He’s 84 years-old, looks like a wizened fungo bat, and thinks that hot 24 year-old girls like him for who he is – but you’ve gotta admit, Hugh Hefner lives the life. He’s got a mansion, naked girls running amuck, a game room, a grotto, a screening room – everything a man could possibly want (if that man is Glenn Quagmire).

Up until now only his elite friends and A-list celebrities were allowed inside those big gates that guard Debaucheryland. Mere mortals like you and me could only gawk from high-powered telescopes set atop the Beverly Glen Fire Station.

But us poor simps are not on the outside looking in anymore. No sir. Now Hef has included us in his coveted inner circle. Now we’re privy to his innermost thoughts. Because now… Hugh Hefner has discovered Twitter! And even better -- somebody has taught him how to use it! I follow him.  I get vicarious thrills and more important, lots and lots of laughs.  So allow me to "re-tweet" as it were.  See what it's like to lead the life of luxury, fantasy, and absurdity.

Tonight's Mansion activities include live mixed marshal arts & boxing matches in the back yard, plus Dancing Playmates & Painted Ladies.  

I worked on my scrapbook this afternoon, Keith played tennis & Crystal visited celebrity grave sites with Mary O'Conner & Victoria Fuller.

We just finished watching Sacha Baron Cohen in "Bruno." Hilarious. And now it's time to say good night.

Crystal & Anna hung out this afternoon & got their nails done. Claire is back from her Crazy Horse Paris rehearsal in Vegas.

The Entrepreneurs Organization is holding a charity affair here tonight with Playmates, Painted Ladies, 2 DJ's & a Hookah Lounge.

The current Tea Party-Republican controversy was predicted in "Rogues of K Street" in the July Playboy. First rate journalism.

Crystal has enrolled in an acting class along with Anna.

I think Crystal & I are going to get more serious & watch "60 Minutes" before we call it a night.

A non-profit group in Houston, Texas is reading Playboy magazine to the blind.

Playboy has 2 different October covers--one with Sasha Grey & one with Kim Phillips with a college theme.

Crystal & I have had something to eat & now we're relaxing in bed, about to watch "Slumdog Millionaire."

Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez is having lunch at the Mansion.

Jack Nicholson's son gave his frat brothers a Mansion tour Sunday while all the girls were sunbathing. Happy pledges.

Crystal bought her own iPad today.

Buzz Aldrin was talking to Ray Bradbury last night about putting a manned outpost on the moon.

Last night's reference to "come ice cream" should have read "some ice cream."

You can't make this stuff up!


D. McEwan said...

Reading Playboy to the blind?

Wouldn't they prefer a copy with embossed centerfolds? "I only feel it for the articles."

RapanuĂ­ said...


Tim W. said...

I know men are supposed to envy Hugh Hefner, but his life just plain creeps me out. It's probably preferable to being locked up in an old age home, but if I had to spend more than a few minutes with those fame-hungry, brainless bimbos, I'd probably be praying for Alzheimer's.

John Pearley Huffman said...

I was got to tour the mansion once while "Hef" wasn't there. It all seemed so worn down and archaic; stereo systems from the Sixties and pinball games from the Seventies. It's overwhelmingly indulgent, but no one seems to care about maintaining it any more. The sort of place you could delude yourself into believing is hip and happening, but you'd really have to make an effort.

So, apparently, it's a perfect reflection of Hugh Hefner now.

What gets lost about Hefner, however, is that he was a flat brilliant magazine editor. Sure Playboy sold on it obvious visual delights, but for a good chunk of time it was one of the best outlets for serious writing in the country. Sometimes it was (maybe not unsurprisingly) indulgent of people like Norman Mailer, and most of that "Playboy Philosophy" stuff was crap, but the magazine was also one of the few venues for long-form interviews around. And it was almost alone in confronting and dealing with sexual issues and their intersection with constitutional law in the Fifties, Sixties and Seventies. When Hefner was atop his game, he was one of the best ever.

So to see him degenerate down into parody is unnerving. He's going to be remembered as a cartoon instead of as a pioneering publisher.

benson said...

John, that's why I admire people like Johnny Carson, who didn't allow themselves to become caricatures of their former selves.

Phillip B said...

Hef is the same age as Queen Elizabeth II, Fidel Castro and Penn State football coach Joe Paterno.

Who would you rather be at 84?

benson said...

Hef is the same age as Queen Elizabeth II, Fidel Castro and Penn State football coach Joe Paterno.

Who would you rather be at 84?

All in all, Derek Jeter or Betty White:)

Sally creeping down the alley said...

File this as a Friday question.

I was watching a MASH "behind the scenes" show the other day and became curious about a couple of things:

1. When a show (especially a hit show) changes head writers or brings in new writers to lead the staff, how much contact, if any, do the new people have with the previous writing crew--is it a pass the torch sort of thing or a complete break from the past?

2. When an actor (like Alan Alda) gets involved in the framing and writing of his or her show, how does that effect the writers?

3. How did you deal with the various egos of the actors on MASH, did it effect how you wrote for those involved?

Mac said...

Thank you, Hef. Whenever I think my life sucks and why don't I live like like Hugh Heffner? I just have to remember - "I worked on my scrapbook while Crystal, Mary and Victoria visited Celebrity Graves." Then I go "No, my life's OK."

samuel.x.killer said...

if you really want to hang out with hef you can buy tickets to the mansion's parties. just $1000 each. tables for $10000 for 8-10 people - tickets not included

Will Teullive said...

God bless Hugh Hefner! His first wingman was Charles Lindbergh

te said...

Hef* sends Crystal, Mary and Victoria down to check those celebrity graves every day; just to make sure he isn't in one of them yet.

* we've never met; still, he insists I call him "Hef." Whadda guy!

Ref said...

Sorry, but the reference to "come ice cream" would have made me drop him well before the correction was made!

D. McEwan said...

Mel Brooks is 84 also, and I'd rather be him. Carl Reiner is 88, and I'd really rather be him.

Remember his old TV series Playboy After Hours or After Dark (whichever it was. I'm not looking it up.)? Well now it's Playboy After Life.

Tom Quigley said...

How'd you like to hang out with Hugh Hefner?

At this stage of his life he probably doesn't have much left to let hang out (without the assistance of pharmaceuticals)...

Cap'n Bob said...

Don't you just hate people who note misspelled words? Like "running amuck" (running amok) or "marshal arts" (martial arts).

Matt Patton said...

It wasn't so much that Hefner was a brilliant magazine editor himself, it's that he was smart enough during the magazine's heyday (roughly from the mid-50's to the mid-70's) to hire some very good editors. Which makes him a very smart magazine owner. Also, he created a magazine that he wanted to read, and as it turned out, he wasn't alone.

Personally, I always found Hefner sort of pathetic -- the whole silk-pajamas and pipe thing made him look like a nerdy 13-year old trying to be sophisticated in an effort to lure the captain of the cheerleading squad down to his basement rec room for a make-out session. You know, while Mom and Dad are out to dinner on Friday night. As for the Girlfriends Three, it should be noted that Hefner used to rent out rooms in his Chicago mansion to "bunnies" from the Chicago Playboy Club in order to ensure there were always pretty women hanging around as, well, decor I suspect.

To quote the folks at Mystery Science Theater 300 on the subject of Hefner and the crowd around him (including the just-deceased Tony Curtis), "And Grade-B Swingers All!"

Matt Patton said...

Mystery Science Theater 3000, sorry.

Pat Reeder said...

I don't watch any reality shows that follow morons around with cameras, but I do remember once seeing the comics on "Last Comic Standing" having to compete to make Hef's three identical concubines laugh. After watching that, any thought of being envious of Hef was gone for good. I felt sorry for the comics. They had something like five minutes in the room with those three women. They were so stupid and annoying, if I'd been locked in the same room with them, they'd all probably have been strangled to death by minute three.

BTW, if you want some real entertainment from Twitter, try this site: It just repeats all of Kanye West's actual Tweets, adding the words, "Liz Lemon" to the beginning. It turns them into hilariously insane one-liners for Tracy Morgan on "30 Rock." A few favorites:

Liz Lemon, Yo, being nice is my whole sh*t now.

Liz Lemon, Remember the museum plastic spaceship toys that were molded right in front of you?.... Those use to smell awesome!!!!!!!!!!...

Liz Lemon, It was always sucky when my parents chaperoned me on field trips...until I was the only kid with Mcdonalds and a museum toy

Liz Lemon, Man … ninjas are kind of cool ... I just don’t know any personally

Liz Lemon, If baroque and mod had a car crash ... what would that ambulance look like?

Liz Lemon, I make awesome decisions in bike stores!!!

rhl said...

Ick ick ick.

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