Saturday, February 26, 2011

My first Oscar review

As per the previous post, here's the text of my first Oscar review, meant originally to be seen by like fifty people.  It has grown in length, attempts at humor, and audience over the years. 

Whoopi Goldberg was the Medusa but without M's good fashion sense.

Roberto Bergnini is the cute funny new little pet that Hollywood has adopted. First time he pees on the carpet they will kick him and throw him out. "Next!"

I was not upset that SHAKESPEARE beat RYAN. Spielberg was. He was so pissed he wouldn't talk to reporters afterwards. What a brat! For most people on the planet winning the Best Director Award would be enough to satisfy you for one night. If the objective was to win awards, Spielberg should have just filmed the first spectacular thirty minutes and released it as a live-action short. I’d have enthusiastically voted for it. But the rest of the two hours was a made up star-laden Hollywood exercise. SHAKESPEARE was a better made up star-laden Hollywood exercise.

Wonder what the Vegas odds were on the Brazilian actress winning the award. A zillion or a zillion-five to one?? Today in a Brazilian paper she is saying she was robbed, that Paltrow got it because she was young and beautiful, that it was essentially a Hollywood conspiracy. Okay. See you next year, dear.

That dance number defied description. Same ridiculous dance for all five movies. Yeah, the best way to interpret ELIZABETH is through tap dance.

As it hoofed its way along like a dentist's drill I was shouting out the movie titles they were interpreting. "SOMETHING ABOUT MARY' " BRIDE OF CHUCKY" "BASKETball". Suddenly the steps made sense.

Who's more loathsome -- Debbie Allen or Whoopi Goldberg? Wait. We need five nominees. Okay...Joan Rivers? Melissa Rivers? James Cameron (a holdover from last year).

The year CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG won best song is the year they should have
abolished that category.

Celine Dion has been spending a little too much time in the tanning salon lately. For a moment I thought I was watching Ed Ames.

I once saw Gwenyth Paltrow at the Santa Barbara Biltmore. And that BITCH literally thanked everyone but me.

Nice of Robin Williams to steal a joke from Saturday's Calendar Section. And then do a joke about Sly Stallone's oral sex instructions to groupies in his trailer. Class-eeee.

Sophia Loren is a wonder of science. She's the yin to Whoopi's yang.

Uma Thurman looked like she got tangled up in her bedsheet.

And until I'm nominated for anything I remain your bitchy correspondent,



Jonathan Ernst said...

Thanks for posting it Ken. Appreciate it.

Charles H. Bryan said...

So this is how it all began -- just giving away your writing (and writing advice) to us goofballs on the internet. Bless your heart, and, in the spirit of inclusiveness, the rest of your internal organs.

Looking forward to your Oscar review (don't forget to tell us who you're wearing), and the travelogue book (don't forget to tell us when it's available; I do like to do a little business with people who entertain for me for free).

Charles H. Bryan said...

Ack -- should've been entertain me for free.

D. McEwan said...

From little acorns...

bevo said...

Unlike Shakespeare in Love, your Oscar review stands the test of time.

"The year CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG won best song is the year they should have
abolished that category." That's gold, Jerry, gold.

Wait. Didn't Bob Costas get a best supporting actor nomination for BASKETball?

Eduardo Jencarelli said...

I'm not one to buy into conspiracy theories, but Fernanda was seriously robbed of that best actress award in 1999. Gwyneth needs at least another 20 years to be able to act om that level.

But we all know the driving force behind Shakespeare's victory that year. The same one that'll propel King's Speech this sunday.

Unknown said...

Ok guys the movie is called


Because the fake sport is a mix between BASEball and BASKETball.

I just hate it when people get the famous works of Trey Parker and Matt Stone wrong. For shame! ;-)

Rinaldo said...

"The year CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG won best song is the year they should have abolished that category." That's gold, Jerry, gold.


Maybe I'm being overly literal (OK, I'm sure I am) but it would be more golden if Chitty Chitty Bang Bang had actually won.

John said...

Looking back in retrospect, the Robin Williams joke about Sly Stallone and oral sex would just be a filler gag on "Two and A Half" men nowadays (well, if the show's star wasn't a filler gag all by himself).