Sunday, February 27, 2011

Relive your favorite snarky Oscar moments of the past

Tonight's the big night. My annual review follows tomorrow. But to get you in the mood, here are some snippets from my Oscar reviews over the last few years. Yes, I know. Mee-ow.

First things first – the red carpet shows. Several channels covered it but for sheer obsequiousness and stupidity you can’t beat Channel 5 with the publicists’ best bitch, Sam Rubin and some anorexic named Jessica Holmes. In the middle of Sam’s interview with “A Single Man” director Tom Ford he blurted out, “Oooh, there’s Kathryn Bigelow. But I’ll spend a few minutes talking to you.” Nice.

No rain unfortunately. That alone spoiled the red carpet show for me. I was so looking forward to hearing, “So who did your poncho?” “Do you think rain on Oscar night is proof there is Global Warming?” “Fashion catastrophe! Kathy Bates and Penelope Cruz have the same galoshes!”

The night was summed up perfectly by one of the idiot Red Carpet show hosts when he said, “This is what the Oscars is all about. All ages, all ethnicities, coming together to look their best.”

I was thrilled Christoph Waltz won. The last time I rooted for a Nazi was my high school production of “Sound of Music”.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s gown looked like a torah cover. And she was presenting for “Best Costume Design”.

Dumbest acceptance speech line goes to Ryan Bingham who said, “I love you more than rainbows”. He won his Oscar for lyrics, by the way.

To present the award for “Best Directing” the academy turned to the esteemed director of that motion picture classic, YENTL – Barbra Streisand. I’m sorry but unless she sings I don’t want to see her.

I’m sorry Robert Downey Jr. lost for Best Supporting Actor for his work in TROPIC THUNDER. He’d have more Oscars as an African-American than Will Smith.

As usual in Hollywood it’s all about marketing. THE READER: come for the sex, stay for the Holocaust.

Why do they have to tell us every year what Costume Designers do? Who thinks that Keira Knightley wore her own street clothes in THE DUCHESS?

My daughter Annie has a good rule. No movie over three hours should be eligible for Best Editing.

Sid Ganis, the President of the Academy, gave an impassioned speech on storytelling and the need for Hollywood to strive for excellence. Mr. Ganis is the producer of DEUCE BIGELOW: MALE GIGOLO.

Al Gore and Cher have more Oscars than Johnny Depp.

How do I describe Cameron Diaz’s dress? It’s like if you tried to gift-wrap a vacuum cleaner.

Nancy Meyers, a notorious writer-killer and credit-grubber, did a lovely piece on how writers were depicted in films.

KING KONG was a technical triumph. But maybe they should have devoted five less minutes to the effects and focused on the story. Case in point (one of MANY): this film crew goes to a remote island, discovers DINASOURS and brings back a big ape instead. Huh????

I heard “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” and didn’t know whether it was a Best Song nominee or an academy tribute to Harvey Weinstein.


Bathroom Mirrors said...

Many will think who will be the best actress and actor. I hope everything will go smoothly.

Anonymous said...

"I Love You More Than Rainbows" is the name of an award winning children's picture book. I'm guessing it was an inside thing with the Bingham's ... maybe it's a favorite that he reads to his kids. Dumb line to you, great line to thousands of kids and parents.

LA Nuts book (Joe Dungan) said...

How can you leave out the entire opening number of the 1989 show? Rob Lowe and Snow White singing "Proud Mary," Merv Griffin crooning "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" to a few (confused) movie legends in a re-created Coconut Grove, and the "I Wanna Win an Oscar" song & dance number with future superstars like Matt Lattanzi and Tyrone Power, Jr.

Unlike all those other moments you mention, the 1989 opening was a large-scale, well-rehearsed train wreck. Can't be topped.

Charles H. Bryan said...

I'd like to see 127 HOURS win.

A) Someone will steal Steve Carrell's Golden Globes joke about cutting off his arm to make that movie and

B) Someone will make a joke about the title of that movie and the length of the Oscar(TM) ceremony.

C) These may be necessary comedy buffers between Charlie Sheen jokes.

Ref said...

Glad you mentioned Peter Jackson's "King Kong." I thought it was a textbook demonstration of Peter Jackson's inability to direct a film in which large creatures remain the same size from scene to scene.

Matt Patton said...

Heavenly Creatures is still the best movie that Peter Jackson ever made, and it is miles away from either the gore nonsense with which he started his career or all of those teen-geek FX spectacles that have defined his career since then. Ironically, Creatures is about a pair of teen geeks who let their fantasies get out of control.

Unknown said...

Great. Now all I can think about is that I want to lick a Dinosour.

Just for the taste...

Jeremiah Avery said...

I read today that one of the producers of the Oscars is spreading the word to the nominees to not just go up on stage and list a bunch of names - to make thoughtful speeches instead.

I don't plan on watching the Oscars but will definitely be reading your write-up tomorrow! Though I am hoping "The King's Speech" wins.

D. McEwan said...

"LA Nuts book said...
How can you leave out the entire opening number of the 1989 show?"

These were excerpts from Ken's past Oscar reviews, which began in 1999, as he told us yesterday. So he didn't do one on that memorable 1989 catastrophic opening number.

Re: the Sound of Music line: I've made a point of never seeing The Sound of Music, knowing full well I would hate it, what with it being full of nuns and singing kids, both of which I dislike. Every so often someone learning this will be amazed that I've never seen it, and ask why I've avoided it. I've always answered: "Because I'm afraid I'll end up rooting for the Nazis."

Re: the cirticizm of the Peter Jackson King Kong for not bringing back a live dinosaur. It's hardly Jackson's fault. That is a basic plot point in the original as well. And while bringing back a thought-to-be-extinct species would sound like a good idea, bringing back a species no one knew ever existed (Yes, we have gorillas, but none 50 feet tall) still makes a lot of sense. In any event, the ape was the one they managed to knock out. It wasn't like they said: "Screw these tyrannasaurs!"

And Ref, the Kong in the original film is also different sizes in different shots. It's not just Peter Jackson, though it's far less noticable in Jackson's film. The only real flaw in Jackson's Kong is that it's an hour too long, and the romantic leading man is way too homely to land a babe that hot.

Anonymous said...

For the MILLIONTH time- Al Gore has NOT won an Oscar (thank God)! That award (wrongfully) went to Davis Guggenheim (aka Mr. Elisabeth Shue, lucky b*stard), who was (wrongfully) denied an Oscar nod for the far superior Waiting for Superman...

Steve rider said...

“I love you more than rainbows” is also a line from the Little Britain sketch show, which is probably what he was referring to...

scottmc said...

I just read about a book coming out later this year that could be amazing.
(from the blurb)"'A Talk in the Park' features the favorite stories of baseball’s most famous and beloved announcers in their own words.
Here are nine decades of baseball history in one anecdotal book, with a special focus on the last twenty years. Subjects include... a tribute to the beloved Ernie Harwell, who died in 2010 and to whom the book is dedicated.This book stars the very announcers who have reached millions , including: Bob Costas, Jon Miller, Bob Uecker, Jerry Coleman, Ken Harrelson, Milo Hamilton, Gary Cohen, Michael Kay, Dave Niehaus..."

RCP said...

I don't think I've ever made it through an Oscars telecast without cringing (like when the French winners brought giant penguins onstage) - but whoever chose James Franco knew what they were doing: tonight I'm tuning in just to look at him.

Looking forward to your upcoming take on the Oscars.

Charles H. Bryan said...

@RCP -- and I'll be staring at Anne Hathaway. The universe will be balanced.

Ref said...


With due respect (and I have plenty for your opinions!) to your points, I expect better from a director who has at his hands the technology available to Jackson. Kong kept changing size as did the mumakil in LOTR, which switched back and forth between about four stories tall and merely elephantine.

Infauxtainer said...

Oh man, your last line about Harvey. Beautiful.