Wednesday, May 18, 2011

THE GOOD WIFE: CALIFORNIA starring Arnold & Maria

CBS likes to franchise its hits. CSI begat CSI:MIAMI and CSI: NEW YORK. NCIS begat NCIS: LOS ANGELES. Well fear not GOOD WIFE fans. I am proposing a series to the Eye network that they can not turn down. THE GOOD WIFE: CALIFORNIA, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver.

I haven’t finished writing the pilot script yet, but here’s a sample of what I’ve got.



Arnold and Maria seem to be in the middle of a discussion.

MARIA: You did what?!

ARNOLD: Don’t be mad.

MARIA: Don’t be mad?! Don’t be mad?! You had a child with our housekeeper?!

ARNOLD: Little Thor was an accident. Usually when they say they’re on the pill I make them show me.

MARIA: Usually?! Jesus! How many were there?

ARNOLD: Okay, I’m not helping myself here. This isn’t fair, Maria. You know I need to be coached before answering questions.

MARIA: Were there any other kids?

ARNOLD: Maybe Bristol but I don’t think so.

MARIA: Bristol Palin is your daughter?!

ARNOLD: No. Highly unlikely. Sarah took the pill each day and kept a record of it. She showed me. Right there on her hand.

MARIA: Our housekeeper. You fucked our housekeeper, had a child with her, and I helped raise him.

ARNOLD: Please. You can understand why I didn’t thank you.

MARIA: Our housekeeper. A woman who lived under my roof for twenty years! Do you know how insulting that is to me? How utterly reprehensible?

ARNOLD: Yes, but look at how clean everything is.

MARIA: So how long has this relationship between you two been going on?

ARNOLD: I ended it when I became governor.

MARIA: Oh, getting into office suddenly made you develop a conscience?

ARNOLD: Well, in a way, yes. Interns work so hard and get so few perks.

MARIA: Aw, Christ! You were fucking interns?

ARNOLD: It’s nice to be in a position to help young people. Do you know how frustrating it was for me in Hollywood? To promise parts to these actresses and not be able to deliver? At least as governor I can make these bright ambitious women local mayors or the heads of state agencies. It’s like a cloud of guilt has been lifted from my shoulders.

MARIA: I want a divorce.

ARNOLD: What? Why? Over this?

MARIA: Yes!! I mothered your children! Even the ones I didn’t know about! And I gave up NBC for you! If it wasn’t for you I could be Ann Curry today! Or at least Carson Daly!

ARNOLD: Hey, I’m returning to my old career. So can you.

MARIA: THE TERMINATOR? You’re making another TERMINATOR? The way to squelch the human resistance is to send a 63-year old cyborg back in time? Who’s your arch villain this time? Rocky?

ARNOLD: What have I possibly done to make you say such mean and hurtful things?

MARIA: Goodbye. I’m taking the kids and leaving.

ARNOLD: Okay. Fine. But be forewarned: you’re going to be in for a big nasty ugly custody battle.

MARIA: Are you kidding me? The judge will probably give me Thor too.

Maria storms out. Arnold makes himself a sandwich, as we:



PatGLex said...

Had to laugh at today's post, because that is exactly what I thought of when I heard about Arnold and Maria: life imitating art.

Nathan said...

Ever since this broke, I've been waiting for the rest of the hidden brood to start appearing.

And completely off topic, have you read this article? Since you seem to have your fingerprints on a number of the references, I'd be curious about any reaction or comments you might have.

Nathan said...

Sorry, that link didn't work.

Barry in Portland said...

I assume it will be a ham sandwich.

AlaskaRay said...

I blame Maria for this. Didn't she wonder about that little child running around mit a German accent?

Ian said...

"What have I possibly done to make you say such mean and hurtful things? "

-- Best. Levine. Line. Ever.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for "little Thor."

Anonymous said...

I can only, unfortunately, imagine that a similar sketch will be done on SNL, where they will do something retarded like cast Kenan Thompson as Arnold...

Infauxtainer - Pete Grossman said...

Finally, Maria understands why that housekeepers kid was running around with a hammer all these years destroying things.

RCP said...


David O'Hara said...

Curious timing? Just when Arnold's trying to jump-start his other acting career.

Maybe my manger is right - I need a few DUIs, beat up a hooker or get caught shoplifting.

The Curmudgeon said...

I thought "Little Thor" was what got him into this mess....

WV: Metraing -- which is what folks here in Chicago are doing more of these days since gas costs $4.50 a gallon.

Brian said...

I wonder if she said "Hasta la vista - Baby", and he said "You'll be back".

David said...

I think the real problem with our media system is that people use it for their own advantage. I don't think it's a coincidence that Arnold already struck his movie deals before this news got out. I don't think it's a coincidence that he left the governorship and had everything in place before Maria and he split. I find it hard to believe that Maria Shriver didn't know this information(or at least that this was the type of man Arnold is) prior to this media bombshell. My sense of the situation tells me that when it was in his and her interest to keep it quiet they did and now when they want to let it out, they do. Maria Shriver is most likely not unaware and I would not be the least surprised if this entire media blitz was orchestrated by them. They must know that if they split there would have to be media attention and judgments. This seems like a way to control the story so they can put their own spin on it.

Cap'n Bob said...

Don't we just love it when the mighty fall? The irony is that Maria is related to the Kenndy clan, which was the biggest bunch of pussyhounds extant. She ought to be used to this kind of behavior.

Chris said...

Here's one for your friday Q&As - What's your stance on taking shots at other shows? Can that come back to bite you in the ass?

Anonymous said...

Where's the scene of her telling her relatives of how hurt she is?

Max Clarke said...

Very funny, Little Thor.
Didn't need to read beyond that to give it an A.

If the latest stories about Arnold's past prove true, we may also get to meet Thor Junior, Thorlite, Thora, Thoreen, Thorible, Thorsday, and Thorific.

Jeffrey said...


Your script was dead-drop, hilarious and spot-on, right on the money. Saturday Night Live should have such a brilliantly funny script/sketch between Arnie and Maria. You should absolutely send it in, coming in as a consulting/freelance writer. It would be the best skit the show has had since the Coneheads' and Todd and Lisa Lupners' heyday on the show. Brilliant. Biting. Perfect satire. And, I'll say it again, smashingly FUNNY!!
Your joke timing was perfect. Not one, not one wasted word. Think about it seriously, Saturday Night Live would be greatful for this skit. They'd be completely stoopid to pass it by. Brilliance. Larry Gelbart is smiling down on you from up above with a big thumb's up and a high five. He couldn't have written it funnier.

D. McEwan said...

"Cap'n Bob said...
Don't we just love it when the mighty fall?"

What "mighty"? We're talking about Ah-nold "My dad was a Nazi who fought and killed good men for Hitler" Shwarzenegger, the worst California Governor since Reagan. So Maria found out the hard way that he is exactly whom he's always obviously been. Sob, sob. She made her bed when she chose to disgrace her family (and disgracing the Kennedys takes some doing!) and married that evil ape in the first place.

I see today that his 17 year old son, Patrick Arnold Schrwazenegger (poor boy), is dropping his father's last names, and becomng "Patrick Shriver." The important thing, Patrick, is to never forgive him!

Anyway Ken, VERY funny piece. How I would love to see the faces on all the rich, priviledged members of Republican Women's Covens all over California as they discovered this week what a piece of shit they've all worked so hard to elect, re-elect, and support. "Family Values". Yes, a "serial impregnator" or whatever they called it on LAW & ORDER: SVU last week, when it was John Stamos, with whom there is at least a reason to have sex. (Were all these women Ah-nold plowed blinded by fame, or just actually, clinically blind?)

The man screwed all of California. Why be surprised he was also doing the housekeeper (among many others, no doubt)?

Mac said...

Very funny. I hope the guy who animated the last one is working on this. The animated version could be Arnie's most heartfelt performance to date.

cshel said...

Very funny as usual, Ken.

I feel so sorry for little Thor, though. I hope the paparazzi leave him alone. It'll be a miracle if he doesn't end up in rehab.

bevo said...

This guy smoke dope, uses 'roids, chases skirts (remember the Grope-antor), father's a bastard child (but John Edwards is the bad guy here), and has dad who was an anti-semite.

Yet the Republicans love him because he cut taxes.

I wonder if he made a pass at Lesley Stahl.

JC said...

I love it, but I imagine the censors would have you change the F- words for CBS.

John said...

“… And so then it turns out that Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father! Then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him!” – Butters
“No, dude, that’s not the trailer for Terminator 5. That really happened.” – Kyle
“Skeletor’s real?!” – Butters
“No, dude, that’s not Skeletor, that’s Terminator’s wife.” – Stan
“Skeletor’s a lady?!” – Butters

--South Park episode 5/18/11

That was a really fast turnaround on the recording session. Such are the wonders of modern technology.

VP81955 said...

Who does Schwarzenegger think he is, Steve Garvey?

Lou H. said...

On Tuesday, the NYC CBS affiliate teased this story all through The Good Wife, and led with it at 11pm. The other stations' news, justifiably, opened with stories about the huge amount of rain we've been getting, followed by local crime stories. News directors must pull their hair out at having to do puff pieces or show tie-ins during sweeps.

Ken, on the shows you've produced, did you ever have to do something against your better judgement, such as stunt casting, because of pressure from the network during sweeps?

Cody said...

You sir, are hilarious. Figure out a way to get this on the air. I'd watch.

Fleece E-L said...

A tragic family crisis and a funny scene. Brilliantly written (which we take for granted from you, Ken.)

But besides the people directly involved in the particulars of this, it was the people of California who really got f***ed by the Governator. Nothing funny there.

Isabel said...

I agree with David: Maria most likely knew. It's hard to be sympathetic towards her, if you remember that speech she gave in 2003, helping him get elected. If memory serves, she called him gracious, a gentleman, a grade A top notch human being, and called on people to believe her assessment of his character over that of the numerous women saying they'd been groped by her husband. And it's not just about cheating as well. Read this story Gawker did on all things Schwarzenegger (be prepared to be nauseous afterwards though):

Johnny Walker said...

Haha! That was hilarious! Thanks so much for that.