Sunday, July 03, 2011

If GPS Systems could really talk

A lot of folks are on the road this holiday weekend, giving their GPS systems a real workout.  My GPS guide is so nice. She’s incredibly patient with me. Whenever I disobey her instructions she just assumes I have a good reason and re-calibrates. What a gal! And she’s always cheerful. Never any PMS from my GPS. But sometimes I wonder, what is she really thinking? What would she be saying if she had a few tequila shooters first? And now I can’t help it. Whenever she gently speaks this is what I’m hearing in my head:

“Left turn ahead. What the fuck?! You missed the street. LEFT! How hard a fucking concept is that to you? LEFT!"

“Left turn ahead. SHIT! You missed it again! Are you a fucking moron? Jesus! Those fucking test monkeys can do it. At the next street, TURN LEFT ASSHOLE!”

“Left turn ahead. What? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me! Okay. Pull over. Stop the Goddamn car. Right now. Stop it! Hold out your left arm. Don’t give me shit, just do it! Well, halle-friggin-luiah ! Brain-dead boy knows his left from his right. So why can’t you do that when I tell you? Okay, new rules: The next time I tell you to turn left and you don’t I’m taking you right off the Santa Monica Pier. “

“At the next intersection make a legal U-turn. Oh hell, there’s no cops here. Whip it around now!”

“At the next – Jesus, how would you describe it? Wide right? Almost straight but curves a little? Whatever. You’ll fuck it up anyway.”

“Do you ever plan on washing this car?”

“Why did you pick the freeway route? This is going to take forever. What, are you afraid someone is going to car jack you if you take a city street? You are such a pussy!”

“Hey, turn down the fucking radio! I’m talking to you. And what the hell are you listening to Michael Buble for anyway?”

“I know it’s not the direct route but I like to look at the pretty stores. Suck it up.”

“Don’t answer that call. You can’t do one thing at a time much less two.”

“In one half mile, stick your finger in the lighter socket. Just kidding.”

“No. I refuse to take anybody to Applebees.”

“The Washington Monument? You need directions to the Washington Monument? You can’t fucking see it? Are you retarded?”

“You have arrived at your destination. Leave the car unlocked and the key in the ignition. Maybe someone with a sense of direction will steal the car.”

I think from now on I’ll just print up Mapquest directions.


Paul Duca said...

Ken, how could you have marks the 50th anniversary of Dan Ingram's debut in New York.

Tikabelle said...

Every time someone in my circle of friends says something that is supposed to be funny and isn't, someone else inevitably says, "recalculating..." in a snotty GPS voice.

JC said...

I'm sorry Ken, not digging the foul language.
a bit too much.

Just one man's opinion.

JC said...

It was funny though.

l.a.guy said...

I wonder how long it will be before the GPS manufacturers start selling ad space to be seamlessly integrated into the directions?

"In about 500 feet, turn left by the Dennys, with the new improved Grand Slam breakfast, on sale until next Tuesday for only 4.99."

Actually, this may only apply to rental cars, but in Las Vegas I have had cars where the directions are voiced by different people. I assume the systems were updated to reflect the newly constructed roads but it's funny to hear the nice calming voice of the original narrator intermittently mixed in with someone who sounded like Bea Arthur after a cigarette break.

Frank Madden said...

Funny! Next time try the Frank Caliendo voiced model, then we'll see how John Madden can fuck it up! (But don't ya love it when a female tells you to 'Whip it around now?')

Mariners torch Padres, 3-1. Wow, 3 runs in one game, it's breath taking. After winning game 1, 6-0the total over/under for 3 days is 11. Un-freakin' believable. I had 15. You back on the air next weekend? Bring your ball-strike indicator, right? I said RIGHT, turn right - now!

Anonymous said...

I've always wanted a GPS that had the voice of Baracus in the old "A Team" TV show:

"Turn left, fool!"

Mark Fearing said...

Love this! Very funny.

Kevin Ess said...

This is fantastic. When are you calling your next Mariners game? Happy Fourth!

Cody said...

As an aside... "How 127 Hours should have ended."

By Ken Levine said...

My next Mariners game is Thursday night against the Angels. I'll be doing the whole four game series. Can't wait.

gwangung said...

Yes! Because the Ms need as much help as they can get!

cadavra said...

I want one that sounds like Jackie Mason: "Turn left up ahead...or not. It's up to you, I don't know, this is not my field..."

Wendy M. Grossman said...

One of my (Irish) friends who travels a lot calls his GPS system Agatha, because it reminds me him of a bossy aunt.

Fortunately, I don't have one myself. I'd probably smash its stupid soothing face in after 10 minutes. I'd much rather have the foul-mouthed haranguing version.


VP81955 said...

Before Harry Kalas left us, someone should have used his voice for a GPS. "At last, you're...outta here!"

Johnny Walker said...

Lol. I had same idea for an episode of a web TV show, but they never made it.

"Not this left! The next one!"

"Hmm. This doesn't look right. It was probably the other left"


MattA said...

I don't know. I think we're getting perilously close to saying "My Mother the Car" was ahead of its time.

deva said...

Funny! Thanks for the laughs. My friend had a car that talked, it was strangely very sexy when she said "your key is in the ignition" but not when she said "your lights are on." My friend has ADD , that car's little speaking chip really got a lot of use... slowly started dying, the voice getting deeper and deeper, slower and sloowerr until it sounded like a drunk, smoking, homeless lady, venting... time to get a new car. We used to make jokes back then what she really wanted to say like "Why don't you ever wash me" or "I don't want to go to Hana" GPS is funnier tho... more conflict I suppose.

RCP said...


That GPS system would be devastating to anyone with low self-esteem - as well as those sensitively trying to lose weight:
"And how many Whoppers does that make this week?"

Happy 4th to Everybody.

GMJ said...

How about a GPS with any of the following voices:

James Earl Jones (as Darth Vader)
Gilbert Gottfried
Fran Drescher
Kiefer Sutherland (as Jack Bauer)
Deadpan comedian Steven Wright

Just a thought.

cshel said...

JC - avert your eyes.


That was f**king hilarious. I love it when the GPS mispronounces the names in amusing ways. But I don't laugh in front of it because I don't want to end up in Mojave.

l.a.guy - funny comments. Jump on that ad space idea, pronto!

My code word is uncordst - an early discarded name idea for wireless internet.

Gregory Pleau said...

This just begs to be voiced by GlaDOS from the Portal series.

Breadbaker said...

We got a car with the Neverlost system (cough cough). We programmed it to go to the Brown University visitors office. It led us to the wrong side of Providence, to a leafy suburban neighborhood and then simply stopped. I used a map and the basic idea of looking out the window and seeing what looked like the old part of Providence and got there without incident.

unkystan said...

I set my GPS (named Michele)to take me to St. Anne's Church in Yonkers New York. When we got there (with no problem) it proudly announced, "Arriving at Satan's Church"!. True story. Sometimes the mis-pronounciations are hilarious.

Michael Zand said...


I think the GPS had it right. Priests and little boys anyone?

Anonymous said...


I had an aunt of mine, Diane Enzer, a real live Mexican Jew. Came to LA from Mexico to make it in the movies as a comedy actor. Her accent was a drop-dead perfect mixture of spanish, yiddish and with a hint of a native New Yorker in it. What a voice, deepened by her pack a day cigarette habit. If she were alive today, her voice should be on every GPS system. She'd be a scream, cause she also was a brilliant joke teller - extremely funny, funny lady, really could have made it big as a commediane...far superior to Rosanne. In fact, my brother and I were developing a TV show with her in it as the star. We were drop-dead confident it could have made it with her starring. She was truly unique and brilliantly funny - and everyone loved her. May you rest in peace, my dear Diane.

Ed Dempsey said...

If I actually used GPS rather than a map and the sun, I'd likely opt for the Homer Simpson version.

As a side note, there was a glitch when I returned to the page to lift the link. I got a mash-up of Homer and Snoop Dogg.

GPSforCar said...

Great imagination. Don't over indulge though or your GPS may really screw you up !