Saturday, February 25, 2012

Eavesdropping on the audience during the Oscars

The Oscars are tomorrow night. My snarky review will appear early Monday morning.

During the telecast they always cut-away to quick audience shots. What they should do is just stay with one of the attendees. You’d hear what they’re really thinking. Fortunately, I was able to eavesdrop:

Jesus, getting through that red carpet was a fucking nightmare. Who were those idiots doing the interviews? I bet I could do the broad.

Do I have enough time to go up and get a drink?

Shit. It’s starting.

He’s not funny. How long is this fucking monologue?

Oh Christ. Are they doing that tired bit where the host enters the movies? Just give out the fucking Crackerjack prizes!

Are cameras on us? I swear, I can’t even fake being amused at this shit. Let’s get on with it!

Shit! That asshole won? As if he weren't insufferable before.

Wow. I love that brunette handing out the trophies. What a smile. So sweet. So wholesome.  God, I wanna fuck her.

How long is this commercial break? Do I have time to get a drink?

Screenplay awards. Who gives a shit?

How am I ever going to find my limo?

Hey, good for her. She deserved to win. Maybe now she’ll dump that dickhead manager.

Tina Fey is a presenter? Has she been in any movies? Really? Has she been in any movies anyone has seen?

Costume design? I’ll be in the lobby.

Wow. What a cute seat filler. Bet I could bang her.

Thank me. Thank me. Thank me. Fuck! You ungrateful prick.

Are we coming to the end already? Shit. How can we only be 45 minutes in?

That’s a best song nominee? They can’t be serious.

I wonder how much they’re paying the brunette.

Yeah, that’s right. Thank your wife. She’s probably the only woman in this room you haven’t slept with in the last year.

More commercials? We’re going to be here till next leap year.

How come fucking Jack Black is two rows closer than me?

Didn’t Meryl wear that same dress at the Golden Globes? And last year’s Oscars? I’d still do her.

Here comes the In Memoriam segment. Awwww. Awwwww. He died? Never heard of her. Awwww. Good!

Do we get cellphone service in here?

You’re still not funny!

Jesus! She’s still alive?

Play the get off music!  Or shoot him!

It's going to take an hour to get my limo. 

Anyone know who’s going to be at the CAA party? Is it worth it?

Finally! Best Picture. Let anyone win but Harvey.


Hey, Harvey! Congratulations! I’m thrilled for you. Seriously. This is your night.

Is he walking out with the brunette. GOD DAMN IT! I hate this town!


Jeremiah Avery said...

HAHA!!! Thanks for the laugh, Ken. Looking forward to your review - will definitely save me the torment of having to sit through the telecast, plus it will be more entertaining by many orders of magnitude.

Michael said...

Do you remember that Billy Crystal did a bit like that one year, and I thought Robin Williams was going to die laughing from how beautifully Crystal worked him over.

Dimitris said...

Ah... Some good old fashioned misandry...

unikorna said...

I had to stop and tell you how impressing and inspirational your blogging story is. I am a beginner blogger and you have really motivated me to go on. Kisses and hugs :).

RCP said...


Here comes the In Memoriam segment. Awwww. Awwwww. He died? Never heard of her. Awwww. Good!

I'm wondering who you were thinking of when you wrote "Good"

scottmc said...

Larry Gelbart was born 84 years ago today. I am re-reading my copy of LAUGHING MATTERS and the scripts for A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM and CITY OF ANGELS.

fragesteller said...

Brilliant! Made my day. Now I finally have found a reason to watch the Oscar. :)

R's Woman said...


Thanks, Ken! Made my night.

As always, looking forward to your award show review.

Liggie said...

Question: Is attendance at the Oscars restricted to industry people, or is there room saved for the general public, such as with the Super Bowl?

WV: "ivairmo ocallyme" = an ancient Gaelic song

chuckcd said...

Man, this thong is killing me...

Joey in DC said...

Hi Ken --

A "Friday Question," if I may: I read this morning that Brett Butlet is joining Charlie Sheen on Sheen's new show. The article (on the excellent Onion AV Club website) noted how both have worked for Chuck Lorre, with the expectation that this new show might have a "Chuck" character for Brett and Charlie to dump on.

My question is this: In your opinion, who's the asshole here? We've heard all about Charlie's problems (ad nauseam) and I don't read a lot of cheering for Brett. To be fair, though, I found both of them funny on-screen. And I know you've commented about how things were on the set, and behind the scenes, of "Roseanne."

The thing is, I generally only read good things about Chuck; besides, as a writer and showrunner, he's in an awful position to have to play the grown-up while his stars can act like petulant children. What's your take? Is this just another case of actors acting like spoiled kids, or is there more to the story?