Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Trolls down through history

If we had Facebook in 1961:

Status update: “Great speech by JFK. Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”

27 likes. 3 Shares.


Jeff: JFK is a dick.

Lisa: JeFF is a dick.

Jeff: Real mature.

Dan: What has Kennedy done for the country? Squt.

Lisa: It’s his first day, moron. And u can’t even spell squat.

Jeff: Well, u got a Catholic in the White House. Hope ur happy.

Lisa: What’s wrong with Catholics?

Paul: I’d fuck Jackie, that’s for sure!

Jeff: Just wait till birth control is outlawed.

Zeke: Best reason for birth control: Kennedy.

Jeff: Or you.

Zeke: Hey! I’m agreeing with you.

Jeff: Oh. Sorry.

Marcy: You’re an idiot!

Dan: Whooze an idiot?

Marcy: Jeff but you 2. Whooze?????

Craig: The Pope sucks. He’s personally responsible for the deaths of 200,000 villagers in Africa.

Marcy: Says who?

Zeke: Says whooze?

Craig: Says a guy in my typing class who knows these things.

Paul: Typing 1 or Typing 2?

Jeff: I hadn’t heard that but I believe it.

Craig: He was right about Liz Taylor being a hermaphrodite.

Dan: She’s a Jew?

Lisa: And u like who Craig -- Buddah?

Craig: If Kennedy’s got to call one religious leader yeah I’d rather have him call Buddah than the Pope.

Lisa: U mean on the phone?

Paul: I hear he’s unlisted.

Lisa: lMFAO.

Seth: Whose the first lady that you’d most wanna fuck?

Lisa: Don’t you mean whooze?

Dan: Fuck you Lisa! Did I spell that rite?

Jeff: New law: Everyone must eat fish on Friday.

Lisa: U r so ignorant! What r u? A Baptist?

Zeke: I like salmon.

Marcy: Are you saying Baptists are ignorant?

Craig: Mary Todd Lincoln. I’ve seen photos. Total MILF.

Seth: She was bat shit crazy.

Dan: Probly a Baptis.

Craig: Who gets more pussy? Buddah or the Pope?

Dan: Can Baptis fuck? I forget.

Zeke: How are they gonna get new Baptists if they don’t fuck?

Craig: So by that logic there should be no more Catholics.

Paul: It’s just the priests who can’t fuck you idiot!

Craig: Then there should be no more priests.

Paul: Sellabacy sucks!

Marcy: Jackie Kennedy looks like Liz Taylor.

Jeff: Kennedy is a mafia tool.

Lisa: How about Nixon? He was personally responsible for coupes in Peru, Bolivia, Tasmania, and one or two other South American countries. The Republican Party just hushed it up.

Zeke: Can the government really pass a law that we have to eat fish on Friday?

Jeff: Kennedy will throw out the laws. In two months the US will be a martial state. There will be checkpoints at all Catholic churches and anyone who gets out of line will be brainwashed in the country’s secret brainwashing facility in … I’ve already said too much.

Lisa: How long did it take u 2 recover from the brainwashing?

Jeff: Read a newspaper once in awhile!

Marcy: Was it the Republicans or Democrats who hushed up the secret economy collapse?

Craig: What secret economy collapse?

Zeke: What if someone is allergic to fish?

Marcy: The one in 1956.

Seth: How could the economy collapse in 1956 and no one knew about it?

Marcy: Everyone was watching the Olympics.

Paul: Who would you rather fuck – Liz Taylor or Mary Todd Lincoln?

Click here to see the next 357 comments


McAlvie said...

Yeah, if the Founding Fathers had known what was coming, they would have thought twice about the freedom of speech thing.

John Mc said...

Sounds about right, except that based on what I see on Facebook, Marcy would have commented "Your an idiot!" No way she actually uses "you're" correctly. No one else on Facebook does.

Mike Doran said...

I wasn't aware that you were now excerpting comments from the Breitbart sites.

No joke - check out that family of sites if you want to see truly unique approaches to spelling, grammar, punctuation,and especially logic.
I believe that if you asked most Breitbart commenters about grammar and spelling, they'd think you were talking about Kelsey being on Love Boat ...
( ... if they even knew that much ...)

Mike Botula said...

Jeez, Ken, for a split second there I thought I had stumbled on to the "comments" section on Politico.

BTW- Mary Todd Lincoln was a cold fish at heart, but Mamie Eisenhower was a little spice ball.

Tudor Queen said...

This is brilliant. It speaks for itself - and for a great many of us! Thanks.

Unknown said...


Michael said...

Great stuff. If you do a search for Downton Abbey on Facebook, you'll find a site that did the entire third season, and it's hilarious.

Anonymous said...

I happened to visit Gettysburg recently, and in their museum they have a display devoted to newspaper articles reacting to Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation speech. There are several editorials that call the speech "an embarrassment" and basically say that it's a terrible thing. So this isn't too far off, just the mediums change.

Joseph Scarbrough said...

Haha, funny this just made my day, lol.

Ed said...

10 comments so far and no one has brought up Dolly Madison?

Anonymous said...


Jimmy said...

Dolley Madison. Squat.

Markus said...

There's this absolutely wonderful Firefox extension called "CommentBlocker" which makes the Internet almost bearable again because it simply makes that kind of crap invisible (i.e. collapsed). Easy to use and flexible too (one-click switch for whitelisting/blacklisting, toggle to enable/disable comments if you do want to read them, etc.).

Paul Duca said...

"I'd like for you to think a moment about the love life of Harry Truman...his First lady--she was one satisfied customer"--Jimmy Carter (Dan Ackroyd)

chuckcd said...

Are you sure this is not a transcript from Congress?

John said...

I've found, left or right, that the best predictor of commentator's grasp of both logic and temperament is taking the total number of words in a post and dividing by the number of those words that are in all caps.

Higher than 5 percent means 'angry person afoot'; 20 percent means 'don't even bother trying to reason with the person, and 50-100 percent means we're in batshirt crazy territory, where any reply is likely to get you your own personal internet stalker (bonus points if along with the caps lock staying on, they add a link to their personal website, where the truth will be exposed...)

Brian O. said...

Had I not known what a naturally creative writer you are I would've thought you were getting high as you typed.

tb said...

I always see the trolls say "would of" and "should of" too. morons

Hollywoodaholic said...

Spot on. Either Ken's site is "Troll-free" or he does a remarkable moderator/editing job. Either way, it's an oasis.

VP81955 said...

If you think the Facebook comments are bad, you should see the ones at the Los Angeles Mirror-News or the New York Journal-American. Personally, I don't plan to use the Net again till next week, when I leave my analysis of the latest "Dobie Gillis" episode.

croquemore said...

Dolley Madison was a cupcake or

Dolley Madison was a tart

Johnny Walker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Johnny Walker said...

Oh my god... You embodied those voices so well I'm tempted to believe you just copied a real comment thread and changed the names. Seriously, too close to reality.

Who are these people, and why must they challenge my faith in humanity on a daily basis? I'd seriously like to know. Maybe a documentarian could trace down some of the "worst" offenders and explain to the rest of us what the hell is going on in their minds/lives that makes them post such things.

Tom Quigley said...

After reading some of the comments in response to your Facebook post about it being President Obama's birthday yesterday, I can surmise where you might have gotten this idea from -- it must have flowed right out, half the comments I read were that bad.

Rich D said...

Ironically enough, my first impulse was to post a link to this on Facebook.

Howard Hoffman said...

Your all who's teh morans.

Mike said...

Ask what you can do for your country.
Fox News: Kennedy's ushering in a new era of Big Government. He's co-opting every American into the Government.
Pat: It's an unconstitutional attack on the liberty of every American. An assault on freedom. We must pray for deliverance.
Rush (in a jacuzzi with Elton): He's laid out the red welcome mat for Kruschev. The guy's an even bigger Commie than Ike.
NRA: Into your cellars. And don't skimp on the cans of beans.
Wall Street Journal: Debt fears over Moon landing programme.
Ted Baxter: Breaking news. The president is French. Film at 11.

Storm said...

This totally illustrates the main reason I haven't logged on to FB in over two years. Not only because of random trolls doing their troll thing (trolls gonna troll) on random pages, but because it took seeing/reading them on FB to make me realize how many people in my life I thought were genuinely cool turned out to be disappointing nutbags. Bad enough when they rant on their own page, but then they want to come onto mine and spew garbage. Very disheartening to have to tell someone you'd thought you knew for years to please kindly go and fuck themselves.

Cheers, thanks a lot,