Thursday, March 27, 2014

The HAWAII 5-0 I'd really like to see

Back from Maui. You’re saying, “Weren’t you just in Hawaii?” and the answer is “Yes, but this time our kids joined us, and so what if we were?” My wife arrived with a hellacious cold, I had a swollen cornea, and Annie was getting over bronchitis. There was so much coughing our rented condo sounded like a poker game at Elaine Stritch’s. Matt then arrived with a strained calf. So between us we couldn’t see, hear, speak, or walk. Let’s hike the crater!

Once again we stayed at the E-coli Village. Our condo came complete with all the deluxe amenities -- a partial view of the ocean, internet access (from other units that were not password protected), and stolen towels from the Grand Wailea.

Rain greeted us the first few days, which was fine because like everyone else we came to Hawaii for the theater.

Within days the clouds gave way to brilliant sunshine, everyone got well, and I caught a cold, which became a major sinus infection, and then full-blown ear infection. Koleamoku, the Hawaiian God of health must’ve paid to see MANNEQUIN 2 because he really kicked my haole ass this trip.

Mahalo” means “thank you.” But since it’s on every garbage can, most tourists think mahalo means “trash.”

Who needs to visit the Hawaiian Cultural Center when there’s a Panties in Paradise within walking distance?
I must say it was a little weird being in Hawaii during that period where the Malaysian airliner just disappeared. LOST fans know what I mean. As do GILLIGAN’S ISLAND fans.

Just opened: the new Andaz Hotel. They renovated the Renaissance. It took over five years. It looks the same. Five levels of pools now but otherwise pretty similar. And you have to climb all five stories to get to the hotel. I asked an Andaz rep about that and he said, “Well, the hotel is designed for young people who are fit.”
He showed us a typical room. At the Renaissance it was $200 a night. Here it’s $675, and only 450 square feet. That’s the size of Roseanne’s refrigerator. But here’s a… “unique” feature: the bedroom and bathroom are separated by glass. So you can sit in bed and watch someone taking a shower. This must be their idea of “room with a view.”
Hawaiian uniformed policemen must cover up all tattoos beginning July 1st. That means long sleeve shirts, and if they have tats on their hands or neck they’ll be required to wear make up. There’s nothing more badass than a cop wearing Estee Lauder Double Wear All Day Glow.

So why would anyone want to join the HPD? Because it is legal in Hawaii for undercover officers to have sex with prostitutes as a means of catching them. Their retirement plan might be for shit, but who cares? That’s the cop show I want to see. HAWAII 5-0, OR 4-0 WITH GROUPON.

We did hit the Grand Wailea resort for a few days. Picture the Amazon Rain Forest in Derek Jeter’s winter home. Best restaurant there is Alan Wong’s Amasia. Try the tasting menu. I have no idea what I ate but it was all spectacular. They call the cuisine “conceptual future supercontinent” and featured items from Asia, Europe, and Atlantis. We had a large party so we sat at a Japanese-style sunken table in our own little room. The poor servers were forever climbing all over us or crawling behind us. It was like every Passover Seder you’ve ever attended.

There has been a surge in shark attacks off Maui beaches. Swimmers are cautioned to not venture out past the third pool at the Andaz, or bring your smartphone for a really cool selfie.

The latest health trend is wristbands that measure your number of steps. I was so happy until it turns out you’re supposed to walk 10,000 steps a day, not the whole three-week trip. I came so close.

Purim in Hawaii – celebrated as much as Prince Kuhio Day is in Arkansas.

You won’t believe it but prison inmates in Hawaii can request kosher meals. Yeah, “those” laws they can’t break. No separate trays for meat and dairy, however.

Swung by Lahaina for some tourist watching. Lahaina is a charming little fishing village where structures that were built in 1916 now house soap bomb emporiums and art galleries that feature work of the masters -- Anthony Hopkins and Red Skelton.

Forget the gentle trade winds. One Sunday we had 60 mph gusts. Idiots were trying to fly like human kites off mountaintops. At least I think they were idiots.

Paradise for locals means “Pair of Dice.” The number one vacation destination for residents is Las Vegas. Who needs the pristine beaches of Muana Lani when there’s the manmade one at the Mandalay Bay Hotel? And a view of the Lance Burton Billboard! An airline commercial shows happy Hawaiians on a Vegas-bound flight shooting craps in the aisle. Of course, after watching the human kites I think the ad would attract more takers if they were playing craps out on the wing.

Unless a killer shark is actually up on the sand munching on a flower girl, there are weddings going on every moment on every beach. Matt took a picture of four of them going on at once.
The only thing better than Panties in Paradise is NO Panties in Paradise. There is a clothing optional beach at Makena (think of all the money you brides could save on wedding dresses). I hear it’s perfect for anyone who likes to gawk at naked people and can’t afford a room at the Andaz.

I saw a car with Connecticut license plates. Google Maps GPS system is working on the bug.

Matteo’s is back! Best pizza on the island (without pineapple). They closed over a year ago. The only thing recommending the terrible new replacement is that they’re next door to an Urgent Care. But Matteo’s has returned in a new spot, and if you take a bite of their pizza and close your eyes you can imagine yourself in Italy. Or at least in their old location.

Tell the Russians to go screw themselves. Hawaiians make vodka on Maui. With sugarcanes, just the way the Bolsheviks used to do. "Vashe zdorovie, bra!" The distillery is just up the road from the Surfing Goat Dairy.

The problem with March Madness in Hawaii is that games begin at 6:00, and by the time you wake up your brackets are already destroyed.

Finally, I got over all my ills, was feeling 1000%... and it was time to leave. As usual, everyone had a wonderful time. I leave you with this ancient saying from the islands: “I hiamoe au ma luna o kou 'uha?” It means: May I sleep on your lap? An undercover cop taught it to me.


LouOCNY said...

Yes, Hawaiians love going to Vegas - and they all stay downtown for some reason. You see siamin at kiosks in just about every downtown hotel!

Connecticut plates - Navy personnel..I live close to West Point, and see plates from every state in the Union when you get near there.

Richard Y said...

Sorry that you and family not at the top of the game but - Loved the story.

Dave Creek said...

My wife suggests that should really be Hawaii-6-9.

bill said...

Friday Question: I see that Modern Family did a traditional farce episode in their latest episode. I always thought one of the great farce scenes was the wedding episode on Cheers. Can you speak to how you go about structuring a good farce and how you decide all the moving parts as people enter and exit.

Wayne said...

"a little weird being in Hawaii during that period where the Malaysian airliner just disappeared. LOST fans know what I mean. As do GILLIGAN’S ISLAND fans."

Did you know that last day of shooting for the pilot of GILLIGAN'S ISLAND was November 22, 1963?

Do you remember where you were the last day of shooting GILLIGAN'S ISLANDS pilot?

Hamid said...

Wayne, in years to come, people will ask each other "Do you remember where you were when Gwyneth and Chris consciously uncoupled?"

norm said...

"Well that was special!"
Some of those quotes are in your book, "Where the Hell am I"? So we do get reruns on the blog!

Igor said...

Do all signs in Hawaii have word-transposition issues? I mean, "Panties in Paradise"?

Unless, Homer's butt-crack qualifies as "Paradise".

Jerry Smith said...

Ken, is that really true about cops and prostitutes in Hawaii, or was that tongue-in-cheek? If so, that's really strange.

Brent said...

Ken, from your past posts on what you think of 5-0, I thought the episode you'd like to see was the one titled "series finale"...

Ellen said...

Hi, Ken. I'm a veteran novelist and amateur screenwriter with a Friday question. If a character undergoes a magical transformation, like the boy in BIG becoming a man played by Tom Hanks, how do you handle that in the script? Is he always called simply "Josh," or is he "Young Josh" and "Adult Josh" so it's clear there are two different actors?

And what if the magical metamorphosis is even more significant? For example, when Gregor Samsa goes to sleep, he might be portrayed by Channing Tatum. But when he awakes from restless dreams and finds himself transformed into a giant vermin, he might be played by ... Mel Gibson. Would the vermin's dialogue appear under the name "Gregor"? Or would he be called something else, such as "Vermin"?

This question is actually more serious than it sounds. Thanks!

Cap'n Bob said...

I got married on the beach in Hawaii below Diamond Head. That is all.

Yikes! My code to prove I'm not a robot is Coonmen songs. Where are the PC police?

Angry Gamer said...

I knew that SOMEONE would get some mileage out of the new Hawaii Vice law.

But I never thought the best jokes I heard on the matter would come from a blog... GREAT JOB... and very funny.

now time for my braille CAPTCHA glasses...

Seriously Ken Egyptian Hieroglyphs would be easier to read.

George W. said...

Actually, Honolulu police just agreed to drop the exemption on cops having sex with prostitutes.

Hamid said...


You can look up the Big screenplay at this website:

It's a database of hundreds of scripts.

Anonymous said...

FRIDAY QUESTION: I was talking to a friend who is a major M*A*S*H head and he said Gary Burghoff was the only actor to be in all iterations of M*A*S*H including the pilot of a show called Walter. Does that pilot exist in the You Tube world and did you have anything to do with it?

Frank from Campbell in NorCal.

Pat Reeder said...

I always assumed that in a genuine Paradise, there would be no panties.

That thing about the glass door between the bedroom and bathroom seems to be the latest bizarre hipster hotel affectation. My wife stayed in an upscale boutique hotel in L.A. during a convention, and she reported that the toilet and shower were just in the corner of the room with no walls for privacy at all. I kind of like the idea of the glass shower (add Room Service and you've got dinner and a show), but I think most people still prefer having the option of an actual bathroom with a closeable door for those rare times when they don't feel like being on display to their spouse or kids or the bellboy.

emily said...

Dan him Book-o...

Stuart Kirchherr said...

This could be a Friday question or Anyday question.

Given your praise for The Good Wife, I wonder what your thoughts are on last week's plot surprise.

I read the blog post by showrunners Robert & Michelle King, and I understand why they did it. Given their choices, it was probably the most interesting thing they could do with the character.

However, such turns always take me out of the show. Previous plot twists were done for dramatic reasons (and very effectively). But when a major character gets offed, the first thing I think is, "I wonder why that actor wanted out of his contract. Ah, he probably got a bunch of movie offers." And that seems to be the case, from what I read.

Although the producers didn't have much choice in this matter, I wonder what you think about how the Kings handled this situation.

Tom Galloway said...

Hawaii's large Vegas presence as detailed and explained by a feature article in Vegas's alt-weekly.

Cap'n Bob said...

The Japanese go to Hawaii and the Hawaiians go to Las Vegas. I blame the prevailing westerlies.

Hoverbored said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hoverbored said...

Dear Ken,

Quick Friday Question: When composing a spec script for a sitcom, is it customary to include a B-plot? The book Writing Television Comedy by Jerry Rannow (writer/producer on Welcome Back Kotter, Head of the Class, etc.) says no, that a spec should focus on one plot-line; other sources say yes. Does it just depend on the structure of the show?

Joseph M. (I deleted the other comment because I forgot to sign it.)

ELS said...

"Purim in Hawaii – celebrated as much as Prince Kuhio Day is in Arkansas."

Wait... they celebrate Purim in Arkansas???

Mike Barer said...

I would imagine there are some WalMart higher ups who would celebrate Purim in Arkansas.