Sunday, November 23, 2014

A Hollywood Tradition -- My Thanksgiving Travel Tips

The Thanksgiving holiday is the peak travel weekend of the year (in America. The rest of the world could give a rat’s ass about Thanksgiving.) So as a public service, here again -- and with a few additions -- are some travel tips:

Leave for the airport NOW.

Bring no luggage. Wearing the same clothes for a week is a small price to pay. Plus, the airlines now charge you for check-in luggage AND blankets. Pretty soon pressurized air will also be extra.

Southwest has no reserved seating. Get in one of the latter groups boarding. You don’t want to be one of the first to sit then watch as fifty people glance at the empty seat next to you, then to you, and decide to sit somewhere else. Even in the last row.

If you have children under the age of five tell your relatives one has an earache and make everyone come to YOU.

Those people in the Stand-By line – those are the same people who think they can get rich selling Amway products, and the Tooth Fairy really exists. Don’t fly Stand-By unless you like sleeping in airport terminals for five days.

If you rent from Hertz plan on a two hour wait just to get your car. Unless you’re one of their “preferred” customers in which case allow only one hour.

When rental car companies recommend you use premium gasoline put in regular. It’s cheaper, it’ll run just fine, and it’s not your car.

Before you pull off the road to a Chuck E. Cheese for lunch, remember their namesake is a rat.

Air travelers: avoid O’Hare. Better to land in Dallas, even if your destination is Chicago.

If you’re dropping someone off at the airport don’t even think you’ll be able to stop. Have your travelers practice the tuck and roll from a moving car. The first couple of times they’ll bounce but by the fourth or fifth try they should have it down.

Watch the DVD of HOSTEL on your laptop. The bigger the screen, the better.

There’s more legroom in Exit rows. When the flight attendants ask if you are willing to help out in case of emergency just say yes. Like it’s going to make a big difference anyway if you crash.

There are NO bargains in the Sky Mall magazine.

When you’re stuck in St. Louis and all flights are grounded (and trust me, you WILL be), grab lunch at JBucks.

Never pay to see an in-flight movie starring Debra Messing.

Put a big strip of duct tape on your luggage so you’ll recognize it easily. And it makes a nice fashion statement.

If you’re flying with small children see if there’s such a thing as “Flintstones Valium”.

In-flight alcoholic beverages are expensive. Better to drink heavily at the airport before boarding.

And finally, watch PLANES, TRAINS, & AUTOMOBILES again and think of it as a “best” case scenario.

Happy trails to you all.


mmryan314 said...

Thanks for the info Ken- am traveling right now. After the weekend I`'ve had, I don`t care how much in-flight drinks cost. Happy Thanksgiving.

VP81955 said...

Amtrak looks better and better each minute, especially if you're removed from the Northeast Corridor.

SBell in San Mateo said...

Ken, at least one airline now charges extra for sitting in the exit rows.

YEKIMI said...

Only advantage to flying is to get where you're going sooner. Since Thanksgiving involves dealing with relatives, anything that takes me longer to get there means I am driving..,.even if they live overseas. Besid s it's cheaper. (True story: Decided to go to East coast one year to see my brother, a 10 hour drive. Another one decided to fly. With all the flight delays, checking in etc. I beat him there. Imagine the look on his face when I rolled up to the airport with my other brother to pick him up. Priceless, not to mention how pissed off he was.)

Chris said...

Friday question: If you have a scene and then you CUT TO the same characters in a different setting (another room or outside the building), does that count as another scene? I'm asking how would you label it in Final Draft.

Wendy M. Grossman said...

My travel tip for 2014: be in Australia. Where I live in London advertises Thanksgiving turkeys, but down under it's all Christmas. White Christmas trees under 100F baking sun, yes.


Bugdun said...

Funny stuff. Flintsones valium...
Sorry I missed your Thursday post, but I was without computer access for a few days. I'll respond here, if you don't mind.
Toledo, Ohio. Been reading for about two years. Found you from a link over at Mark Evanier's blog. Nearly sixty. I love the "insider" baseball stuff. I actually had the honor of meeting and having a conversation with Ernie Harwell once. It was like meeting royalty. Thanks Ken. Love your work.

VP81955 said...

It appears that both Pablo Sandoval and Hanley Ramirez are signing with the New England Evil Empire, so no one is happy in California this morning. (Not even Padres fans, as they entertained Walter Mitty-like dreams of bringing the Panda down the coast.) Enjoy as loathesome Larry Lucchino molds you into Ortiz 2.0 for "Red Sox Nation" marketing purposes, Pablo.

Greg Ehrbar said...

"You don’t want to be one of the first to sit then watch as fifty people glance at the empty seat next to you, then to you, and decide to sit somewhere else. Even in the last row."

Why is it that, no matter how "grown up" we get, some folks still practice that often thoughtless and deflating "school cafeteria" seating stuff?"

Chris said...

Friday question: any comments on the new season of The Comeback? (Or even the show?)

Anonymous said...

I need to give a shout out to Bugdun, a fellow Toledo, Ohioan!