The Worst Movie of the Year: BATMAN V SUPERMAN

Forget Lex Luther. Forget the Joker, or Riddler, or General Zod. None of them even compare to the destruction wrought by Superman and Batman’s REAL arch enemy/super villain – Zack Snyder. This utter hack manages to kill two beloved superhero legends in one completely ridiculous, loud, inept, atrocious, tedious, shameful movie.

I of course am not alone in my assessment of this stinkburger. Critics almost unanimously have panned it. MANNEQUIN 2 got better reviews. And to be fair, audiences have liked it more than critics. But before Snyder can crow about how much money the film has brought in (so who cares if everyone hates it?), it’s worth nothing that week two it dropped a staggering 71% (against no competition). So in other words, the geeks who were primed to see it anyway flocked to the theaters week one wearing their capes and Dark Knight underwear. But they’re not going back. And they’re warning everyone else.

There are so many things I don’t understand about this colossal misfire, but one of them is this: I know at Marvel they take great care in monitoring and protecting their world and characters. So there is always a standard of quality and a unity of tone. For DC comics, it’s as if they don’t give a shit. Just give ‘em money and you can do whatever the hell you want with their characters. It’s like if Toys R’ Us sells you a franchise and doesn’t care that you sell dildos and ass-masters. DC has no regard for the integrity and consistency of their characters. Adam West can be Batman, Christian Bale can be Batman, George Clooney can be Batman. Superman can live in a dark foreboding apocalyptic world, and at the same time Supergirl can live in a brightly-colored fantasyland where she wrestles with dating etiquette.

By the way, Ben Affleck has now played both Batman and Superman. He portrayed George Reeves as Superman in HOLLYWOODLAND. I’m checking to see whether he played Wonder Woman in anything. Was Lynda Carter sick one week? I’ll keep digging. 

Also, I think there's a scene in HOLLYWOODLAND where Affleck is in bed with Diane Lane.  In BATMAN V SUPERMAN she plays Superman's mom.   Seeing Superman in bed with his mom should really cause the fanboys heads to explode.

What else can I add?  Hans Zimmer is the King Kong of movie composing.  Bring earplugs.  And the dialogue is so laughably stilted and bad you'd think it was originally written in Urdu and just translated by a first-year middle school foreign language student. 

From this point on SPOILER ALERT because I intend to give away many of the stupid attempts at plot points. So if you’re clueless enough to be surprised that eventually Superman and Batman bury the hatchet and team up, you might want to come back tomorrow. Or start collecting string.

So let’s see – Superman saves Lois and some terrorists are killed. Superman is blamed for the killings and suddenly the public considers him a bad guy. Huh?

Lois traces it back to Lex Luther because the terrorists fired bullets that turned out to be unique prototypes traced back to Luther’s company. Luther industries also manufactures experimental bullets that act just like any other bullets?

In an early flashback you see Metropolis under siege by some alien death ship that is slicing off the top ten stories of every skyscraper. Bruce Wayne has to call the top executive in his building to tell him to evacuate the staff. They couldn't figure that out themselves? They’re all on the 50th floor watching nearby buildings get sheared off and no one thinks to say, “Hey, who wants a Coffee Bean ice blended? I’m buying.”

And since when were Metropolis and Gotham next to each other like Detroit and Windsor?

In terms of a plot, there’s just a complete jumble of Kryptonite, creating a monster that Ed Wood would say is too schlocky, nonsensical chase scenes, CGI explosions and lightening bolts, a nuclear bomb, Lois Lane needing to be rescued every eleven minutes (Oh, and Lois – stop calling him Clark when he’s wearing his Superman suit), endless speeches on the existence of God that are supposed to sound profound but in fact sound like Sarah Palin wrote them, origin flashbacks (like we haven’t seen Batman’s parents killed in seven other movies), gratuitous CGI destruction, a storyline impossible to follow, and Wonder Woman.

But don't get too excited.  Wonder Woman shows up in the last ten minutes of the movie. Her name should be Sequel Woman. (Personal note: I do love the fact that an Israeli girl plays Wonder Woman.)

The running time is about 2:30. You could cut 1:30. Was it really necessary to have a scene on a mountaintop where Clark Kent gets a folksy story from his departed father, played by Kevin Costner. Since they used Costner, a much better scene would have been them playing catch. Instead we heard some bullshit tale about Costner turning back a river, which resulted in horses drowning while he ate a cake. Yes, this scene was vital.

And did we need to see Bruce Wayne training? As Annie’s writing partner Jon observed, Wayne is a billionaire with state-of-the-art everything but trains by pulling around a car tire?

And then there’s maybe the worst, most idiotic story turn in the history of motion pictures. Batman is about to deliver the killing blow to Superman but when he learns both of their mothers were named Martha he puts down the Kryptonite spear and they become BFF’s. I kid you not. That IS the major turning point in the movie. It’s beyond disgraceful. It’s beyond hack. It’s amateur night in Gotham/Metropolis. The filmmakers should be ashamed.

But wait, there’s more!

There’s an expression we writers have called “Schmuck Bait.” That’s a story turn that only a schmuck would buy. Like for instance – Superman is dead. The filmmakers REALLY expect us to believe that? They really expect us to believe that the inevitable sequel will not feature Superman? Wonder Woman, Batman, and maybe next time they’ll throw in Mr. Clean?  

What infuriates me most about this utter trainwreck is that I love Superman and Batman. From the time I was a kid I loved the SUPERMAN TV show, and the Batman comics were phenomenal. Batman in particular was a favorite because he was a mortal. He had a secret cave and all those gadgets and had to rely on his wits as much as his ziplining ability. But over the years he’s become a kitsch buffoon, a tortured soul, a matinee idol, and Mad Max in a cowl. Not only do you have to bring Superman back from the dead, you have to bring back Batman too.

Since Zack Snyder is probably going to do the sequel I won’t be seeing it. Whether Superman returns because he’s cloned, or he was always alive but hiding at a Tampa Bay Rays game, or he’s revived by spinach – you’ll have to let me know. I’ll be reading the old comics. 

Please God let Zack Snyder NEVER direct a comedy.  I don't think I could bear LUCY V ETHEL.