Monday, June 06, 2016

My new favorite cheesy reality show

In my noble quest to acquaint you dear readers with the cheesiest reality shows available, I present today for your edification – BAGGAGE.   (Thanks to Jon Emerson for the tip.)

This is a dating show on the GSN where one person chooses between three hopefuls, but the hook is they all have negative “baggage” – even the person doing the choosing. And along the way, universal human questions are explored, like how stupid are people, how much are people willing to humiliate themselves just to be on fringe television, how much lower can peoples’ standards be, and how does Jerry Springer still have a career?

Basically the show is THE DATING GAME for Trump supporters.

Jerry Springer is the host (imagine Alex Trebek doing cum jokes), and like THE DATING GAME, three contestants vie for one person’s affection. Each contestant totes three suitcases that contain embarrassing, gross, idiotic true confessions. And once the person doing the selecting has made his/her choice, he/she reveals their own baggage. Got that? Okay, let’s see who played the game and some of their baggage. Goodson & Todman are rolling in their graves.

There was a Playboy model who does bird calls. Her baggage was that she’s a four-time runaway bride. Another willowy young woman was abducted by aliens...twice.

A neuroscientist going for his doctorate wore medieval gloves on dates (but who doesn’t?). His large baggage was that he’d been in over sixty pornos (the standard prerequisite for becoming a neuroscientist).

Other notable baggage from episodes gone by:

I’m still a virgin
I was in a three year relationship with my friend's dad
The only woman I've ever loved is Lindsay Lohan
I enjoy full-blown clown sex
I was a Barbarian king in a past life
I wear a mankini to show off my taco tattoo
I’ve been charged 3 times for indecent exposure (and that wasn’t his big baggage)
I’m afraid of women with un-whitened teeth
I sleep with a ski mask on
I hold my cat during sex
I keep a portable urinal in my car
I make jewelry out of my own teeth and skin
I love smelling my ear wax
I used to be a pimp
I'm afraid of the sun
I plan to adopt 10 kids
I sent a sex tape of my ex to her mother
I was rejected from a sperm bank
I still play with my transformers
Homeless people sleep on my couch
I’m obsessed with my reflection
I urinated in an ex's gas tank
I pick food from my date’s teeth
My mom kicks my dates out of bed
I’ve had 3 restraining orders against me for stalking
I have two neck piercings
I’m a three-minute man

But maybe my favorite was “I locked my ex in the trunk of my car” and he was selected.

This show apparently has been airing for several years. To me, a deal-breaker would be “I’ve never missed an episode of BAGGAGE.” The girl who was abducted by aliens? Well, she’s kinda hot.


Bugdun said...

Dating Game for Trump supporters....funny stuff.

Ken, here's a Friday question: Who was/is the worst offender of over acting?

Ernest Borgnine?
Gregory Sierra?
Vito Scotti?

I hope you're laughing.

cadavra said...

Sounds like you've never missed an episode either, Ken! :-)

Jeff said...

An acquaintance of mine at USC who was on this show told me that his "baggage" was all supplied for him by the staff.

Richard said...

While clown sex is not on my go-to menu, who's going to turn that down? That's a whole chapter in my memoir right there!

Richard (Milwaukee, WI)

Steven said...

Hey Ken,

I was on a season 2 episode of Baggage. It was pretty depressing coming up with a long list of everything that was wrong with me! But it was $500 for half a days work and it was pretty fun! Plus I could have met the love of my life - I did not.

Todd Everett said...

"An acquaintance of mine at USC who was on this show told me that his 'baggage' was all supplied for him by the staff."

That was my experience on "The Dating Game" -- the girls' questions were staff-written, while we bachelors had to fend for ourselves. At least I did.

Imagine, a "reality" show being faked -- that'd never happen today. Oh, wait -- a friend of mine was plaitiff on one of those "judge" shows (not Judge Judy). She had no beef, was simply playing a part, outlined by the writers. In fairness, there's a small-print disclaimer at the end of the show.

Klee said...

Here's a FRIDAY Question. I might have missed by did you write about the death of one of "Everybody Loves Raymond", the one who played Geoff? I was very sad to hear. One the great sitcoms of all-time lost another of its clan.

VP81955 said...

Jerry Springer once guessed on, of all things, "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch," hosting an Other Realm version of his show. During it, Ain't Hilda (Caroline Rhea) was beeped, complained she never used such language, and Springer replied it was only for effect.

Mike said...

Old Baggage: The dating couple are accompanied by their mothers - the prospective mothers-in-law.
Marvel at the rapier thrust of "She's not good enough for you", the deft parry of "Didn't attend an Ivy League school then", and the battleaxe bludgeoning of "If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave its arse and teach it to walk backwards".

Mike said...

Another willowy young woman was abducted by aliens...twice.
The first time they threw her back.
I was in a three year relationship with my friend's dad.
Rolf Harris. "Jake the Peg with the extra leg", "Two little boys had two little toys" and the classic "Tie my kangeroo down". Who knew?
I cry at the laundrette. Is this all there is to life?
I locked my ex in the trunk of my car.
That's OK because I keep a portable urinal in my car.
I had a threesome with sisters.
Now it's funny you should mention that...

Paul Duca said...

What WAS Mr. Indecent Exposure's big baggage?

Cap'n Bob said...

I would probably gone through life having never heard of this show. Thanks a lot, pal!

Storm said...

@Mike: You're as mad as a box of frogs, and I adore you.

Cheers, thanks a lot!