Saturday, June 11, 2016

One my most popular reality show reviews

Earlier in the week I reviewed BAGGAGE and a number of readers reminded me that I used to do more of these and they missed them.  Thank you.  So today I thought I'd re-post one of my favorites.  This is from six years ago.  In honor of the Playboy Mansion having just been sold, let's look back at THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR: BUNNY HOUSE.  Enjoy.
You know me, always on the lookout for truly jaw dropping reality shows. Well, last night I came across a great one: THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR: BUNNY HOUSE on E!

You’re all invited to swing by the Playboy Mansion and meet the former Playmates who inhabit this on-site dormitory called The Bunny House. Inside you’ll find nine or ten of the dumbest female creatures ever to inhabit the earth and their far-more-intelligent little doggies. Never before has so much silicone and so little brains been assembled under one roof.

I assume this is all just part of the Mansion’s zoo, which also includes peacocks, rabbits and spider monkeys.

Here’s the level of conversation: A bunch of these airheads are in the pool. One asks the following deep philosophical question: “For a million dollars would you have a three-inch penis on your head and you can never conceal it?” The consensus: Yes. One girl said she’d just get a collection of hats thus clearly not understanding the meaning of “you can never conceal it”.

Question two: “Would you ever get a dude’s name tattooed on you?” Overwhelming majority: No! That’s obviously far more objectionable than a penis on your head.

In the searing episode last night a new girl was invited to the house for a bar-b-que. She was so nervous. I was nervous that the bunny who was grilling burgers would put her hand on the grill not comprehending the concept of “hot”.

The big moment was when Hef arrived. Picture the Crypt Keeper in a red bathrobe and sailor’s hat. He must’ve weighed less than any of the girl’s breasts. It was Popeye at 200.

Hef had a big decision to make – which two girls were going to share the master bedroom? One girl needed it because she required all the closet space for her wardrobe. They showed the closet. It’s the size of the Kennedy Center. How many thongs and short shorts must this girl have?

“How do you get invited to live in the Bunny House?” the newbie asked. Well, you have to be a Playmate (Drat! That leaves out Nancy Pelosi.). Unsaid was you must have bazooms the size of Macy’s Parade balloons and the IQ of a pencil box. The newest tenant said she wrote Hef a letter telling him she had no friends or family and nowhere really to go. How long did it take to get back to her? Six months.

Six months??? Then where the hell was she living in the meantime? My guess is Mr. Superfly’s Pimp House. Look for that show on Court TV.

For part two of this episode they all went to Vegas for the gala Playmate of the Year formal introduction. Hope (the winner) and her zany bunny friend Jade went the night before to get a good night’s sleep. Yeah, right. Jade was a baaad influence. She convinced Hope to go out, party, get shit faced, and then accompany her to a tattoo parlor to try to get her ex-boyfriend’s initials removed from her lip. His name was Brody Jenner so that’s right – she had B.J. tattooed to her lip. If I were her I would have kept it. Just as Sarah Palin (who would make a great den mother to this sorority) wrote crib notes on her hand, this way Jade could look in the mirror and always remember what her lips were for.

Poor Playmate of the Year, Hope. She had to write a speech for the big event. All she could come up with was a half page of incoherent scribbling on a crumpled sheet of legal paper. She must’ve been working on it for a month. Thankfully her best friend Jade came to her rescue, telling her to just speak from the heart then ripping up the speech and eating (yes eating) it.

The big show the next night was a huge hit you’ll be relieved to hear. Hef, now in clothes (looking like a well-dressed camp survivor) beamed as Hope vowed to make him proud. That means what? Do anything short of having John Edwards’ baby?

Miss Fresh Meat and her little yapping mutt were invited to move into the Bunny House and all was right with the world.

But wait!

We see Hef in bed (with his little pooch) and he’s still not sure just who should occupy the master bedroom. Uh oh! Hellzapoppin’ next week! Talk about a cliffhanger! Expect things to turn really ugly as these girls gouge each others eyes out for that extra closet space.

THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR: BUNNY HOUSE – just like a three-inch penis on your head; it’s useless but you just can’t take your eyes off of it.


BA said...

Makes me wonder what happened to Barbi Benton. You'd think she'd be a Grande Dame to the bunnies, training them in comportment and getting that scratchy vocal fry out of their mouths.

VillageDianne said...

For all we know, these Bunny House girls ended up with a nice bank account. They may not be so dumb after all.

CRL said...

I only watched it for the articles.

metrocard said...

Jade eating the speech reminded me of a joke from 30 Rock where Jenna is on the "Japanese Porn-star Diet." She noted, "I can only eat paper, but I can have as much as I want!"

Mike Schryver said...

Okay, if other people get to complain about baseball posts, I get to complain about reality show posts. These shows are lame and I don't care about them. Please post more about baseball.

DBenson said...

I remember watching the show, never quite believing they got away with the premise. The girls were, very frankly, an old man's concubines. Mainly trophy concubines, yes, but still (the show made attempts to convince us they were competing to sleep with Hefner, at least once showing Hef retiring to a bedchamber with one).

For decades Hefner peddled a fantasy lifestyle of Trumpian luxury surrounded by seemingly available sex objects. He actually LIVED it, and thus could write off a grotto full of nubile buoyancy as a business expense. But there was always a fig leaf of respectability, or at least legality.

Now, cresting the wave that began with "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous", we actually saw a bunch of bimbos on the payroll whose sole purpose in life was to be arm candy (at least) to a rich geezer. Here the fig leaf was nominally taking the girls' point of view, but they were displayed as outrageously shallow and separated from reality -- that is, still male fantasy figures. Not sure if Hef's borderline senility mitigated the creepiness or increased it (again, the show would periodically make the point that he'd Do It with one of them. Somehow.).

A high point was one of the girls having her parents visit to see her fun lifestyle and meet Mr. Hefner. Besides emphasizing the girl wasn't that far from high school and that Hef was old enough to be her father's father, it was a chance to show a nice Middle-America couple being proud of what their baby had achieved. Dad punching out Hef would have been great, but it would have also been Last Show of Series.

Loosehead said...

She wanted to make him "proud"? Euphemism for erect, really?

VP81955 said...

Say what you want about Hefner the hedonist, but he's helped classic film preservation, particularly pre-Code titles. And he's long been an avid jazz fan.

Mike Moody said...

I laughed until I got to the joke about Court TV. Then I wanted to cry remembering how they cancelled Forensic Files in order to make more of Impractical Towing. Haven't watched TruTV for one second since it was taken off the air.

Charles H. Bryan said...

That Brody Jenner gets around, doesn't he?