Saturday, November 23, 2019

Weekend Post

Haven't posted this in a few years, but it's my public service to you as we approach Thanksgiving.  My timely travel tips. 
Leave for the airport NOW.

Bring no luggage. Wearing the same clothes for a week is a small price to pay. Plus, the airlines now charge you for check-in luggage AND blankets. Pretty soon pressurized air will also be extra.

Southwest has no reserved seating. Get in one of the latter groups boarding. You don’t want to be one of the first to sit then watch as fifty people glance at the empty seat next to you, then to you, and decide to sit somewhere else. Even in the last row.

If you have children under the age of five tell your relatives one has an earache and make everyone come to YOU.

Those people in the Stand-By line – those are the same people who think they can get rich selling Amway products, and the Tooth Fairy really exists. Don’t fly Stand-By unless you like sleeping in airport terminals for five days.

If you rent from Hertz plan on a two hour wait just to get your car. Unless you’re one of their “preferred” customers in which case allow only one hour.

When rental car companies recommend you use premium gasoline put in regular. It’s cheaper, it’ll run just fine, and it’s not your car.

Before you pull off the road to a Chuck E. Cheese for lunch, remember their namesake is a rat.

Air travelers: avoid O’Hare. Better to land in Dallas, even if your destination is Chicago.

If you’re dropping someone off at the airport don’t even think you’ll be able to stop. Have your travelers practice the tuck and roll from a moving car. The first couple of times they’ll bounce but by the fourth or fifth try they should have it down.

Watch the DVD of HOSTEL on your laptop. The bigger the screen, the better.

There’s more legroom in Exit rows. When the flight attendants ask if you are willing to help out in case of emergency just say yes. Like it’s going to make a big difference anyway if you crash.

If you’re flying on an airline that doesn’t have reserved seating never sit next to anyone who is already eating or reading Ann Coulter.

Before you fly to New York and have to negotiate JFK just remember – the parade is on TV. And it’s the same friggin' balloons as last year. The only difference is that the stars of NBC’s big new hit from last year, I FEEL BAD, won’t be there (thank God).

Put a big strip of duct tape on your luggage so you’ll recognize it easily. And it makes a nice fashion statement.

If you’re flying with small children see if there’s such a thing as “Flintstones Valium”.

In-flight alcoholic beverages are expensive. Better to drink heavily at the airport before boarding.

And finally, watch PLANES, TRAINS, & AUTOMOBILES again and think of it as a “best” case scenario.

Happy trails to you all.


YEKIMI said...

Gotta update this. Chuck E. Cheese dumped their rat/mouse/rodent as a mascot. [Maybe they should introduce their new one soon, Salmon Ella.}

Steve Lanzi (formerly known as qdpsteve) said...

I originally posted most of these at another website, but I'll share with Ken and Company...


5. The live entertainment is provided by Yoko Ono

4. Bill Shatner is panicked about something he sees outside the window

3. You manage to get in the pilot's quarters, and he's already ejected

2. Free snacks are Thunderbird minis for the adults, Geritol samplers for the seniors and Tide Pods for the millenials

1. Meet your air marshal, Alec Baldwin

Ted said...

New for this year is LAX's fun, modernized system for leaving the airport in a taxi or rideshare car. As I understand it, all you have to do is collect your luggage, wait outside for a shuttle bus, get on the packed bus with all your suitcases, traverse the the car-clogged airport road (making more stops along the way), get off at the new taxi-Uber-Lyft departure area, activate your Uber or Lyft app, stand in a long line until it's your turn, get in a taxi, Uber or Lyft, traverse the car-clogged road to the exit, and finally ride on the car-clogged L.A. streets to your home or vacation destination. Of course, all of this is for our own convenience.

Mike Bloodworth said...

That's one of the advantages to living in North Korea. The only holiday you have to worry about is Kim Il-sung's birthday. But you already knew that from working on M*A*S*H.

Joyce Melton said...

I would never sit next to someone who was eating Ann Coulter; it just wouldn't be sanitary.

Cap'n Bob said...

Dang it, Joyce Melton, you beat me to it.

Aaron said...

Ted.... or, you fly in and out of Burbank!

(Or, like my wife, you have an obedient husband provide pickup and drop-off service.)

Rich Shealer said...

>If you’re flying on an airline that doesn’t have reserved
>seating never sit next to anyone who is already eating or
>reading Ann Coulter.

I can't helping think there is a dirty Bill Maher joke in that line.