Room Service I

Even though I’m away on vacation I never stand down from my comedy watch. This is a scene from a FRASIER that David Isaacs and I wrote called “Room Service”. We wrote quite a few episodes of FRASIER but this was my favorite. It’s the beginning of Act II. Actually, the scene is all of Act II. I’ll be posting it throughout the week.

Lilith has just slept with Niles.

INT. LILITH’S HOTEL ROOM – MORNING

NILES AND LILITH IN BED.

LILITH

My God. What did we do? What did we do?

NILES

Well, first we –

LILITH

I know what we did. What do we do now?

NILES

Let’s just try to stay calm. These things happen. They happen every day. (losing it) Every day in Arkansas! Why did you have to look so damned bewitching all evening?

LILITH

Oh, so it was my fault, Mr. Sweet-and-Attentive? Why’d you have to drive me home and walk me to my door?

NILES

The way the moonlight bathed your alabaster shoulders –

LILITH

Your sensitive and manly touch –

NILES

Yours too.

LILITH

Take me.

THEY DIVE FOR EACH OTHER BUT THEN PULL UP SHORT.

LILITH

We’ve got to resist this. It’s wrong.

NILES

Of course it is. Last night was simply two wounded people acting out of loneliness and confusion.

LILITH

Not to mention four bottles of wine. But for whatever reasons we’re here, we must never let this happen again.

NILES

Yes, of course. (beat) But just to clarify…because of the ramifications of our indiscretion or, because, you know…?

LILITH

You were fine. My God, you Crane men.

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

NILES

(panicking) Who’s that?

LILITH

Don’t panic. No one knows we’re here.

NILES

I told Frasier I was driving you home.

LILITH

(now panicking) Why did you do a stupid thing like that?

NILES

It wasn’t stupid at the time. How did I know the minute we got inside this room you’d be on me like a hawk on a titmouse?

ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

LILITH

(sotto) Just be quiet.

LILITH GETS UP, THROWS ON HER ROBE, AND CROSSES TO THE DOOR.

LILITH

Who is it?

MORE LATER TODAY…

Checking in from Greece

...where the people are too damn good looking.

Thought I'd check in while my wife hits every single store in Europe...even if it means going down hidden alleys. It's all the same crap!!

The networks are announcing their schedules. Word of them has not reached Santorini. Fun thing to do is just look at the titles, loglines, and casts and predict (a) which will be the first cancelled, (b) which will make it. Hint: the most hype, the greater the chance for (a).

Very soon I will be posting the second act from the favorite FRASIER episode that David and I wrote. It's the one where Lilith sleeps with Niles. Home next week and things will be back to normal. In the meantime, enjoy one of the scripts I'm proudest of.

Ken

Me and Queen Elizabeth

In 1991 I was a rookie play-by-play announcer for the Baltimore Orioles. I kept a daily journal that year and sold it as a book. IT’S GONE…NO, WAIT A MINUTE! (my classic home run call unfortunately) was published by Villard and released in ’93. It’s available on Amazon or on a remainder table near you. Fifteen years ago today this is what happened:

WEDNESDAY, MAY 15, 1991, BALTIMORE

A typical day really, except that the queen of England and the president of the United States attended the game. They saw the A’s win 6-3, although Randy Milligan hit his first home run of the year and then his second.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and His Royal Highness Prince Philip are visiting the United States and wanted to view something that represented the “epitome of America”. That meant either the Shopping Channel or baseball. So our little ol’ ballpark on Thirty-third Street got the nod. The weather was glorious, the traffic horrendous, and the crowd merely moderate (32,501) to see this historic occasion (The queen was not as big a draw as free wristbands.)

The entourage arrived at 6:30 via motorcade and were whisked into a private reception hosted by club owner Eli S. Jacobs (whom I have yet to meet, by the way). The VIP party, which also included Mrs. Bush, baseball commish Fay Vincent (who told me before the game that the role of the commissioner in affairs such as these is “to be seen and then leave”), Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney, Mrs. Secretary of Defense, the Governor of Maryland, the British Foreign Secretary, and a number of the queen’s personal valets, secretaries, and foot stools. They all dined on crab cakes and hot dogs. (What, no crumpets and nachos??).

Everyone lingered over dinner for fifteen minutes, and then the royal party moved on to the Orioles dugout to greet the players of both teams.

I did not get to meet the queen. Jon Miller and I were on the air describing the proceedings. At 7:20 a receiving line of players was rushed through (viewed by the crowd on DiamondVision), and to the horror of the Secret Service, the president escorted Queen Elizabeth (or “Sausage” as Prince Philip calls her) up the top step into the on-deck area in full view of the masses. Personally, I feel Harold Baines would be in greater danger than the queen, but the Secret Service men held their breath just the same. The crowd roared its approval.

From there the royal party repaired back to Mr. Jacobs’ sky box on the mezzanine level just to the left of the press box. They sat comfortably behind bulletproof glass as a high school chorus mangled “God Save the Queen” and “The Star-Spangled Banner” over a sound system wracked by feedback.

They stayed for two whole innings, and I sort of felt bad because they were two very boring innings. Five walks, little action. Really, Your Highness, baseball is not that dull! I wanted her to stay longer, but by 8:45 the motorcade had shuttled her away. I also was hoping to have her stop by our booth and possibly read the “Esskay Meats Out-of-Town Scoreboard,” but that was not to be. See if I vote for her in the next election!

All in all it was a very exciting night. In three previous years in the minors the most important dignitary I ever saw attend a game was the Phillie Phanatic.

Happy Mama's Day

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

This is my favorite mother joke. Actually it's a mother-in-law joke and it comes from the very politically incorrect but screamingly funny AMOS & ANDY SHOW. I believe this was written by Mosher & Connelly (who went on to create LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and THE MUNSTERS).

The Kingfish sets up a blind date for "Mama". Hoping the poor guy would like her and take her off of his hands he arranges for Mama to go to the beauty parlor. He's talking to the hair stylist, describing Mama. He says (and I'm paraphrasing), "Picture a grapefruit that's been out at sea. And it washes ashore, all covered with seaweed and crabs. Now it sits in the sun for a couple of weeks and gets all wrinkly and rotted and bugs are now flying around it. Can you picture that?" The hairstylist says "Uh huh." And the Kingfish says, "Good. If you can make her look that good I'd be satisfied!"

You cruise, you lose.

I’m still on my Mediterranean cruise. Thanks again to HH for maintaining my blog. For my weekend post I’d like to re-post my travelogue from a few years ago. It was our first cruise. We decided to take a test run. All that was missing was the iceberg.

*****

Back from our four day Carnival Cruise on the M/S Ecstasy. My daughter found it hysterical that we were "on Ecstasy" for four days. What we were really on was a floating trailer park. 2600 Jerry Springer guests descended upon San Pedro complete with T-shirts, black socks, tattoos, nose rings, wheelchairs, strollers, plaid shorts, knitting, disposable cameras, and disposable diapers (a few even for the babies on board). First we waited in line for close to an hour just to board. This would be a pattern. There were lines for everything. At least at Disneyland you end up going on the Indiana Jones ride. Here you get to the soft serve frozen yogurt machine.

Our cabin was small but at least had a window. Most of the cabins did not. But they all had curtains to at least give the illusion of windows. And some rooms had bunk beds. Four or five people living in a closet. And considering how these people ate I fully expect there are at least four cabins where the guests are now wedged in so tight that only the jaws of life will free them. One question overheard: Why do they put those little pats of butter on my pillow every night?

Each cabin has a ships' steward. We never saw ours. He just comes around once a night and folds towels in the shape of elephants. I guess he wasn't happy with his tip. Last night's towel was shaped like a giant penis.

It was a cattle car. Instead of asking whether we were having fun they should have been asking "got milk?"

We toured the vessel. There is a large upstairs dining room (pen) that my son immediately recognized as the mess hall from his dorm. From then on we referred to the Panorama Bistro as DeWick (his dorm's name). There is the Metro Bar (pen) where from the minute they arrived till the minute they left, there were the same twelve lushes at the bar. A casino (the Crystal Palace (pen)) offered nickel slots and blackjack adding to the feeling that we were held prisoner at Harrah's Tahoe. The Lido Deck (pasture) was the pool area. The pool was the size of a bowl of Hamburger Hamlet's Lobster Bisque. But there was a water slide. A water slide into a four foot bowl? Not a good idea. I doubt if Kathy Lee Gifford, spokesperson for Carnival, would let Cody go on it. You never heard the kids screaming because of the Calypso music that was being played at deafening levels. There were upper decks (pastures) with no shade and worse: no bars! A gym and spa perched at the top level. The showroom (pen) was the Blue Sapphire Lounge, named no doubt for the Kingfish's wife because you had to be in the Mystic Knights of the Sea to want to go on this cruise. The two main dining rooms were the Wind Song (named after a cheap perfume) and Wind Star. The decor of the entire ship was splashes of bright bright busy colors. It was like living in Jimi Hendrix's head.

Just walking around the ship with all its faux glitz and neon you needed Dramamine. Who cares if it's moving?

We all assembled for the big safety drill wearing our life jackets. So thrilled was I that my daughter was wearing one that said "Ms Ecstasy 69". (her room number). Imagine the lines for the lifeboats.

They screwed up and assigned us to two different tables. The food was basically "first class airline" cuisine. Fancy titles, small portions, served in mass quantities. I think the soux chef was hired away from Attica.

Checked out the entertainment at the Blue Sapphire pen. Out came the cruise director, Simon. Picture a skinny hyper British Alfalfa who thinks he's Jerry Lewis circa 1952, He's kind of the semi-retarded cousin every family has. We got a preview of the fabulous entertainment to follow in the nights ahead. The Ecstasy Orchestra -- four guys, the Ecstasy Dancers (who were busy handing out the Bingo cards), a man/woman singing duo that serenaded us with the Carnival Theme, and finally a schleppy comedian who opened his act with "my girlfriend is half Jewish, half Native-American. Her name is Bargain Hunter". The rest of his material wasn't as good. My kingdom for Buddy Greco!!

Next we checked out the celebrated midnight buffet at the DeWick pen. Here it is the middle of the night and these people are powering down pork ribs and beans drenched in bbq sauce. Long lines to get to the grease. The salad bar remained untouched. My kingdom for a Sizzlers!!

Next morning we arrived in Catalina. I pulled back the curtains to a glorious view of the island. I said to my wife, "There's Catalina." Obviously in need of a stronger prescription she looked out the window and said, "Where?" WHERE???

Breakfast at the Wind Star trough then an hour wait to get a shuttle boat to Catalina where I had a delightful time retracing Natalie Wood's last day.

Back on board in time for a refreshing Jacuzzi. This is a TRUE story. The day before when I checked out the gym facilities I noticed in the men's locker room that they had steam, and a sauna, and in a little room a Jacuzzi. So after working out and taking a scvitz I went out to the men's Jacuzzi donned only in a towel. I dropped the towel and casually stepped into the Jacuzzi only to realize that there was a big window and I had just taken off all my clothes for the Yoga class. Now some women entered from the ladies' side. My towel was across the room. Needless to say, I know how to make an exit.

Dinner was formal. My friend, Marc Sedaka, remarked that "formal" on one of these cruises meant long pants. He's right. On the other hand some people dressed as if it were their prom. Some women spent all day in the hairdressers. For a Carnival dinner!! My son was the best dressed of our family. Dark sports jacket, nice tie, khaki pants, and sandals.

There were 920 crew members, from 47 different countries. I kept checking for Iraqis, especially in the dining room.

I missed the "Austin Powers" dance class. Wanted to go. Too big a line.

Tonight was the gala midnight buffet, held in the Wind Song and Wind Star pens. Our Maitre D told everyone to bring their cameras. A few salads, sliced cheese, cold cuts, turkey a la king, rice, beef in sauce, fruit salad. Yeah, you want a picture of that. A dessert table with a guy cutting the cakes. If you asked for a second slice he glared at you.

The next morning we awoke in Mexico. According to the daily newsletter (the "Carnival Capers"...I hear they're looking for a political editor) no shuttle boats were necessary. We were docked. But you did have to take a shuttle bus into town at $6 per person (432,784 pesos). Personally, I had no desire to go to Ensenada. I had seen TRAFFIC. I had seen TOUCH OF EVIL. But my son wanted to buy me a beer (you can purchase liquor at 18) so that was good enough to get me off the boat. The minute we hit the dock there was a guy with a full portable bar. Then we had to walk through a shopping plaza. Finally after our shuttle ride we arrived in town where had a couple of XX's at Hussong's. It's like Cheers except "everyone wants your money". Wandering through town we were stopped at least five times asking if we wanted to go to peep shows. What, no cock fights?! At least I knew the ship was safe. Carnival International paid a kid $5.00 to watch it.

Back in the room I watched "Sabrina the Teen Witch" in Spanish. It was funnier that way. I should have gotten a massage. An ad in "Carnival Capers" proclaimed: "Viva la Mexico. We've gone CRAZY in the Spa today. 10% off all spa treatments." They weren't kidding. 10%!!!

We missed the kitchen tour. "This is where we microwave 10,000 meals a day".

Spent some time up on the Lido pasture at the crock pot known affectionately as the "pool". How fitting that I should be reading "Snobbery" by Joseph Epstein. Didn't bother to watch the ice sculpture demonstration...too many people. I did notice kids running up to the stage to save the discarded pieces of ice. Yes, those will make lovely souvenirs. I had to get down to the Wind Star pen so I couldn't stick around for the "Hairiest Man" competition. A woman won I think.

Entertainment that night (after a rousing game of Bingo) consisted of a Vegas type review. A big dance number celebrating beating the Japanese in World War II. The fifty or sixty Japanese guests didn't find it as stirring as the rest of the guests however. Then, finally, some real entertainment. A comic named Jerome who was actually hilarious. He did an R-rated show later that night that I caught (after passing on the Mexican Food midnight buffet at the DeWick pen) which was even funnier.

The third day was traveling from Mexico. I opted for a real massage instead of the $1 massage chairs adjacent to the casino. It got a little turbulent. A happy ending to that massage was not throwing up.

Among the questions asked various crew members on Carnival cruises: Does the ship generate its own electricity? (No, idiot, they roll out a long extension cord). At the photography booth: How will I know which one of these photographs is mine? What do they do with the ice sculpture once it's melted? And my personal favorite: What religion are those people who wear patches behind their ears?

Staging game shows is a popular feature. Hosted by Social Director, Simon ("hello ladies and germs") they played a version of the Newlywed Game that was quite amusing. Among the questions and answers: "Where's the starngest place you and your husband have made love?' Answer: "the kids bed". If a parrot was in your room every night what sound would he hear enough to be able to repeat it? Couple number two: He: "Shut Up!" She: "Are you done yet?" Describe your wife's naked butt when she bends over. Couple number three: He: "McDonald's Golden Arches".

Getting off the ship was another adventure. We were all awoken at 6:30 and began immigration, based on colored tags of our luggage (which we had to have picked up by midnight last night). Everyone had to clear customs before anyone could disembark. Out of 2600 people I was amazed that only 300 were still clueless as to what to do at 9 am. We were then asked to leave depending upon our color tags. But they had no way of checking. So we just went with one of the first groups, got right off, claimed our bags in two seconds and left.

All in all it was fun to get away, an interesting change of pace, I now know where Natalie Wood had her last meal, the weather was great, learned a lot about Bulgaria and the Czech Republic, laughed a bunch, won ten bucks last night in blackjack, saw first hand why the WWF gets ratings while PBS does not, watched fat guys do the Macarana, and best of all didn't have to fly anywhere so I avoided that line!!!

My favorite casting story EVER.

In 1993 my partner David and I were casting a pilot for CBS called BIG WAVE DAVE’S. One of the parts was for Jack. If you haven’t already, read yesterday’s post with a description of Jack and the sides we used for the audition. And now prepare yourself for RC. That’s not his real name but will do for our purposes.

Our office was on the Paramount lot. Our first floor window looked out at Gower Avenue. To set the scene, we were on the couch. To our left was the window to Gower. To our right was Sheila Guthrie, our casting director. Directly across from us was a chair for the actor and the door to our outer office where our assistant and other actors waited. That particular day we were seeing Jacks and Karens. The Karen role would eventually go to Jane Kaczmarek but that day there were maybe six other talented actresses set to read.

Normally the casting director goes out into the waiting room, brings in the actor, and introduces him. When it was time for RC, Sheila went out and came back in alone. She said he wanted to make an entrance. Uh oh, we thought. That can’t be a good sign.

A moment later the door bursts open and this fat sloth bursts in. He’s wearing just a t-shirt and shorts and carrying a large garbage bag over his shoulder (a la Dave). Oh, and he’s SOAKING WET.

We were a little startled but kept it together. He began reading with Sheila and then peeled off his t-shirt. Why we don’t know. He continued reading but now, for some inexplicable reason, he dropped his shorts. All he was wearing was his tighty-whities. And since they were soaked they were completely transparent. In other words, little Willy had now joined the reading.

Amazingly, Sheila managed to keep reading with him. David and I tried to remain composed but the absurdity of this was just too much. We both started laughing.

RC came to the Kampua’a, God of rain speech. He crossed to the window, stood in front of it, rattled the blinds (to represent thunder) and bellowed out his speech. At the same time a young couple, probably tourists, were walking down the street. We could see them from our angle. The couple turned to the noise and the girl went bat shit, screaming in utter terror.

By now David and I were rolling on the floor. RC must’ve felt he was KILLING. He did the last few lines with even greater panache. We’re now on the floor, tears streaming, sides hurting from laughing so hard. What do you say to this guy? We managed “Well, okay, we haven’t seen that before.” He thanked us for his time, gathered up his clothes and the garbage bag. We told him he could put his clothes back on but he said, “No no, I’ve taken up too much of your time already.” With that he walks into the outer office. Now we hear six actresses scream at the top of their lungs. We’re rolling on the floor again.

RC goes out into the hall to dress. The CHEERS offices were at the other end of the hallway. The CHEERS writers came out to see what was going on. From our office we heard those screams, which set us off for another twenty minutes.

Obviously, RC didn’t get the part. But for five minutes I must admit we were considering bringing him to the network.

Jack Lord works in mysterious ways

This is the audition from a pilot we wrote (and eventually got on the air), BIG WAVE DAVE’S. It starred Adam Arkin as Marshall, David Morse as Dave, Patrick Breen as Richie, and Kurtwood Smith as Jack. This was the audition scene for Jack. Tomorrow I will share the story of a certain actor who came in one day and read for this part. I will put this casting story up against anyone’s. Enjoy the scene and return for the story.

INT. BIG WAVE DAVE’S – DAY

THE DOOR OPENS AND AN ITENERANT BEACH-TYPE NAMED JACK ENTERS, CARRYING A BANGED-UP DAVE OVER HIS SHOULDER.

JACK IS SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDST OF MIDDLE AGE. HE WARS A TEE-SHIRT, SHORTS AND THONGS, AND HIS HAIR IS PULLED BACK INTO A PONYTAIL. HE HAS A KIND OF WILD LOOK IN HIS EYE.

JACK

Where do you want him?

MARSHALL

(indicating anywhere) Dave, are you okay?

JACK SETS DAVE DOWN ON A CHAIR.

DAVE

I’m in some pain. But it’s a good pain. It’s a pain that says “you’re on this earth and you’re living”… It’s the numbness in my hand I’m more worried about.

JACK WALKS OVER TO THE COOLER, INSPECTS THE CONTENTS AND PULLS HIMSELF OUT A COLD DRINK.

JACK

Twenty years on the beach and it’s always the same. Another bunch of Malahinis – total newcomers. You just keep coming.

MARSHALL

And you are?

JACK

Jack Lord.

MARSHALL

No. Really.

JACK

That’s my name…now.

MARSHALL

So, what have you done to the real Jack Lord?

JACK

I just took his name. It’s not uncommon for the people of Hawaii to adopt a name from royalty.

MARSHALL

Jack Lord?

JACK

He’s the biggest thing to ever hit this island. I met him twice, shook his hand. He told me to hang loose, and that’s all I’ve been doing for twenty years.

JACK DOWNS HIS FULL BOTTLE OF SODA IN ONE FRIGHTENINGLY QUICK SWIG. MARSHALL AND DAVE LOOK AT EACH OTHER AS IF TO SAY: “WHO IS THIS GUY?”

RICHIE

Y’know, they say this area is filled with people who have just dropped out. They live on the beach or back in the hills. Apparently, a lot of them are psychos, but others are just like you or me.

MARSHALL

Yeah, if you’d spent the last twenty years smoking grass and drinking sterno.

THERE’S A QUICK BOLT OF LIGHTENING AND THE SOUND OF THUNDER, FOLLOWED BY A PELTING OF TROPICAL RAIN. THE THREE GUYS REACT.

JACK

There he is, right on time. Kampua’a, the God of rain. That’s Hawaiian. I suggest you get on some kind of good terms with him. He didn’t like the previous owner, ole’ Pipeline Paul. I think it rained every day of the year Paul owned this place. I guess we’ll have to see how he feels about you boys.

A LEAK DROPS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE WITH A PING, PING, PING, DEVELOPING QUICKLY INTO A STEADY STREAM.

JACK

Whoa, instant dislike.

Barcelona is all shook up

All of Barcelona is in SHOCK. People are walking around like zombies, just saying "why? why? WHY?" (They're saying it in Spanish but still). Street performers are finding it hard to swallow balloons or moon walk.

Chris got voted off last night???? CHRIS?????

I leave the fucking country for five days and this is what you people do? The only possible explanation I can think of is that too many people saw that wretched movie where Vin Diesal played a nanny and confused him with Chris.

I guess I shouldn't be that surprised. I mean, America elected Bush...twice. (Three times counting the wooden Indian old man). But the people in Barcelona, what do I tell them? What does anybody tell them?

When Taylor Hicks is announced as the new AMERICAN IDOL and dances like someone has a noose around his neck and is pulling it, Spain will probably break off diplomatic relations with the United States. Italy will soon follow.

The Bad Band Names Trilogy...Concludes

And now the rest of the bad band names.

[ r ]

Raging Pimps of Doom

Reluctant Stereotypes

Results of Inbreeding

Retarded Elf

Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries

[ q ]

Quasimodo and the Eunuchs

[ s ]

Sandy Duncan's Eye

Screaming Headless Torsos

Screaming Iguanas of Love

Screaming Moist Accountants

Septic Death

Seven Year Bitch

The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra

Shirley Temple of Doom

Shirley Temple Pilots

Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]

Skeptic Tank

Smegma & the Nuns

Smorgasborgnine

Solosex

The Sound of Munich

Spastic Colon

The Sphinctones

Stiff Richards

Stukas Over Bedrock

Swingin' Johnsons

[ t ]

Ted Bundy's Volkswagen

The Telephony Bandits of Doom

Testostertones

Thank God We're Immortal

They Tried To Frame OJ

To Live and Shave in LA

Toxic Shock and the Tampons

Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew

Tragic Mulatto

Transsexual Hitler

[ u ]

Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies

[ v ]

The Velcro Pygmies

Vic Morrow's Head

[ w ]

The Well Hungarians

Willie Nelson Mandela

[ y ]

Yoko Homo

[ z ]

Zombies Under Stress

Checking in from wherever

Hello from somewhere in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea,

So far...

Our cruise ship hasn't been overtaken by pirates.

There's the constant reminder of the POSEIDEN ADVENTURE because every woman looks like Shelley Winters.

The staff is either over friendly or scary. I'm afraid of my stewardess.

The ship's captain is funnier than the cruise director.

We've had a Judy Garland impersonator. Thankfully not one of the guests.

The American dollar is worth less than a peso.

No one seems to give a shit who gets voted off AMERICAN IDOL tonight.

No one's gotten seasick. But the Asian buffet was a challenge.

On to Barcelona.

Bad Band Names II - The Temple of Doom

More bad (and real) band names:

[ g ]

Gefilte Joe and the Fish

Gonoreagan

[ h ]

Headless Marines

Hell Camino

Herpes Cineplex

Hindu Garage Sale

Hitler's Bikini

HIV and the Positives

Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives

Hornets Attack Victor Mature

[ i ]

Inhale Mary

[ j ]

Janitors Against Apartheid

Jehovah's Waitresses

Jehovah's Witness Protection Program

Jesus Christ Super Fly

Jesus Chrysler Supercar

Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army

JFKFC

Jonestown Punch

[ k ]

Kathleen Turner Overdrive

Kerrigan's Knees

[ l ]

Lack of Afro

Lawn Piranhas

The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation

Lee Harvey Keitel

Lesbian Ninjas

Louder Than God

[ m ]

Mao Tse Helen

Mary Kay and the Cosmetics

Max Roach and the Holders

Minnie Pearl's Jam

Mr. Happy and the Genocides

Mussolini Headkick

My Dog Has Hitler's Brain

[ n ]

Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions

Nervous Christians and the Lions

Norman Bates and the Shower Heads

Not Drowning, Waving

[ p ]

Pabst Smear

Pearl Harbor and the Explosions

Penis DeMilo

Pepto Dismal

Phenobarbidols

Phlegm Fatale

Poultry in Motion

Pretentious Flamedogs

The Pro-Midget Mafia

Psychic Buddhist Gorillas

Psycho Sluts from Hell

Pungent Frustration

THE REST OF THE LIST TOMORROW...

Bad Band Names - Volume I

While in Europe and unable to spend much time composing posts I thought I would share with you this list of bad band names of actual groups. If you’re going to start a band, sorry, these names are taken. My thanks to HH for watching over the blog while I’m gone.

[ a ]

Albino Toilet Boys

Alcoholocaust

Alcoholics Unanimous

Apocalypse Hoboken

[ b ]

Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings

The Band Formerly Known As Sausage

Band Over

Band That Shot Liberty Valence

Barbara's Bush

Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits

The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir

The Boxing Ghandis

Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre

Breakfast in Beruit

Bulimia Banquet

[ c ]

Caltransvestites

Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers

Carnage Asada

Cindy Brady's Lisp

Cortizone 5

Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death

[ d ]

The Dancing French Liberals of 1848

The Dead Sea Squirrels

The Dead Kennedys

The Dick Clarks

The Dick Nixons

Drunks With Guns

[ e ]

e. coli

Edith Head

Electric Prostates

Elvis Hitler

Ethyl Merman

[ f ]

Fearless Iranians From Hell

Fields of Shit

'57 Lesbian

The 4-Skins

Four Nurses of the Apocalypse

The French are from Hell

Fromage d'Amour

MORE TOMORROW.

Teri Hatcher wrote a book?

Made it to Lisbon. I feel like I'm on the AMAZING RACE. Stopped by my local Borders before the trip to stock up on books and nearly fell on the floor. Teri Hatcher has a book giving women advice? TERI HATCHER? Let's see -- nutcase, diva, notorious crew killer, has an eating disorder -- what qualifies Teri fucking Hatcher to give advice? Oh right. She's lucky enough to be on a hit television show. Remember the days when qualified pop psychologists wrote self help books? Now, we've gone so past Dr. Phil that someone who two years ago was doing Radio Shack commercials with Howie Long is telling other woman how to live their lives.

Can Jillian Barberie's life lessons be far behind?

Needless to say, I didn't buy the Teri Hatcher book. Nor the Helen Reddy autobiography. What could anyone possibly want to know about Helen Reddy?

Any travel tips???

On my way to places I've never been. I know this is shameless, but any restaurant or sightseeing suggestions for Lisbon, Barcelona, Sorrento, Taormina, Santorini/Thiva, or Athens? I'm also looking for a good restaurant in London and Lulu's home phone number. I figure I have readers from all over the world, why not take advantage? Isn't that what blogs are for??

Thanks and now go back to entertaining posts.

Where's Sam & Diane? Isn't this Cheers?

Equal time for kids. I recently posted my latest trip to Evanston to visit my daughter, Annie at Northwestern. For my weekend post, here’s a travelogue from a few years ago when we visited our son at Tufts in Boston.

By the way, as you read this I am probably somewhere over the North Pole. It’s not a faulty GPS system. My wife and I are off for a two week cruise on the Mediterranean. Anything to avoid local gas prices. But new daily entries will continue to appear. A big thanks to HH for filling in as blogmaster. I’ll miss you all…as well as 24, but that at least I can tivo.

******

Back from 4 days in Boston seeing our son, Matt at Tufts. We were there for parents weekend but didn't read the calendar very well. It’s next weekend. Lucky we didn't show up at the President's house for that Sunday morning breakfast.

First up was Legal Seafood Thursday night where Matt and I went with my radio friend, Dale Dorman. He's been a fixture in Boston radio for over 30 years and is still truly one of the funniest jocks ever to crack a microphone. And he has to be considering his voice is higher than mine. But boy was I impressed. The restaurant was packed, we walked in, he said his name, and we were treated like royalty. Imagine a disc jockey in LA even being seated if he HAS a reservation?

I had lobster.

Debby and Annie arrived via the redeye Friday morning and immediately wanted to go outlet shopping. We don't have a Gap outlet in California. I decided not to go, preferring to do, well...ANYTHING else. So I spent the day with Dale at KISS 108 and to show you how utterly pathetic my life is, I got to run his board while he did his air shift and it's one of the highlights of my professional year so far.

They have a great contest. Four people are living inside a Mini Cooper. The last person to leave gets to keep the car. Two guys and two girls. The girls bolted almost immediately (proving that women are smarter than men). So to keep the remaining flood victims company the station threw a big dog in the car. It's on display at Faneuil Hall so sleeping is impossible because all these homeless guys knock on the windows all night. This for a twelve thousand dollar automobile that will probably have to be boiled to get the stench out.

It took Debby, Matt, and Annie forty five minutes to get to the outlets. Three hours to get home. I don't have the heart to tell them about Nordstram's Rack.

Sirens in Boston are goofy. No wonder people drive like raving maniacs there. How do they take policemen seriously? I felt like I was in Toontown.

The college girls come in only two varieties: cute brunettes and Carole King.

Tourists still flock to Cheers. It's the place to go if you want to see real people from Louisville or Gainsville. "Hey, this don't look anything like the bar we see on the magic picture box". No, that's because it wasn't FILMED there. Norm and Cliff and Sam and Diane DON'T EXIST. Befuddled, these tourists eat their overpriced lunches, buy sweatshirts, mugs, and other overpriced souvenirs and head off to the Freedom Trail where they could purchase New England Patriots jerseys actually signed by George Washington and Paul Revere.

Tufts University is very pretty. It is in Medford which is not. Actual store sign: "LIVE POULTRY: FRESHLY KILLED".

Saw Matt's apartment. Former SLA hideout.

Saw Matt's frat house. It’s any structure in Kansas after being hit full force by a twister.

The leaves haven't really turned yet. Except in the Mini Cooper.

Taxis in Boston are interesting. They have two fare options. Either "when you're not in a hurry" or for $3 more "they'll rush". Every cab I took had at least one warning light flashing on its dashboard. My first cabbie plowed into a car, sheepishly saying to me "I didn't see him". Didn't SEE him? It was a Windstar right in front of you on a one lane street in Harvard Square.

Ever notice that when you go to another city you can never find a radio station you like but every time you climb into a taxi the driver is listening to a station in his native foreign language? I was treated to twenty minutes of a Haitian station on one cab ride? The Classic Hits station has to change formats because it had no listeners yet there's a Haitian station...and not just any Haitian station -- a Haitian TALK station...in BOSTON. (Which I'm sure still has better ratings than KMPC 1540, all sports in LA).

Saturday night we went to the Oak Room restaurant at the Copley Plaza. The best steaks and seafood in town says their ad. Lovely old dining room in the tradition of the Pump Room or Clifton's Cafeteria if they'd remove the tropical rain forest. Pasqual, our maitre 'd almost stuck in a knife in his heart when my wife asked if the Haddock was good. Matt asked him how the tenderloin was and he described it as "a beautiful woman with no sense of humor".

I had the lobster.

Sunday we had brunch at the Charles hotel. (Get the idea that all we did was eat?). Big celebrity sighting: Natalie Portman. She's one of my son's faves. I offered to lend him my Becker fleece, figuring that would really make her want to jump his bones but he passed. Annie saw her across the room and said, "Sweetie, you're making a kazillion dollars a movie -- that is the ugliest sweater I have ever seen in my life!" My charming daughter also said, earlier when we were all talking about the new shows and specifically Good Morning Miami "Oh yeah...more washed up people that Dad worked with".

A Harvard male a capella choir in suits and bowties entertained. I didn't catch the name of the group but I believe it was "Young Men who Can't Get Laid". At least they didn't sing the Kelly Clarkson song.

We were late leaving Boston. They had to take one piece of luggage off the flight. So they sent for a baggage handler, he had some accident, they had to send for an ambulance, then get a second baggage handler. Thus the answer to the question: How many American Airlines employees does it take to remove one suitcase?

Latest update: the dog can't stand the stench and has left the Mini Cooper. But Joe and Miles are still there.

Can you go to prison for stealing another show's theme song?

Just catching up on PRISON BREAK (thank you tivo). If you still have Monday night's episode, check this out. Last act, there's a montage of all the prisoners, getting ready for the big escape, thinking back to why it's so imperative to each of them, yada yada. Music plays over this sequence. The song sounded familiar but I couldn't put my finger on it. Finally, I did. It was the theme from HOUSE. I went back and played a HOUSE opening title sequence (thank you again, tivo), and sure enough, same song, same arrangement. Could anyone explain this to me? Is the HOUSE theme song just lifted from a record? Did PRISON BREAK realize what they were doing? Why would they possibly knowingly use the theme song from another show on THEIR NETWORK? And didn't anyone from the network catch this before it aired? When the inmates finally do break out I now hope they play THE FAMILY GUY theme.

What gives here????

100 Most Beautiful People in the Gym

PEOPLE magazine has announced the 100 Most Beautiful People in the World. Again, I’m not on it. Forget that it’s impossible to rate one person’s beauty over another, the pictures in the magazine all look so touched up and air brushed that Linda Hunt could be the most beautiful woman in the world. This begs the question, who’s the most beautiful in real life and who’s the most beautiful back lit? It’s one thing to put filters on movie cameras but some of these actresses have to be shot through horse blankets.

The best place to determine who has the most natural beauty would be the gym I attend. It’s small, no frills, and for some reason attracts a lot of celebrities. I’m guessing it’s the wall to wall mirrors. The article claims that Angelina Jolie is number one. I’m here to tell you, no way. They haven’t seen her on the Stairmaster. Skanky, tattoos, unwashed hair. Whenever she’s in the gym I pray that Jennifer Aniston doesn’t show up because if she saw that she lost her husband to THAT she’d blow her brains out.

One Jennifer who is beautiful, even after an hour on the treadmill is Garner. (Once I was on the next treadmill and so wanted to say, “Ben Affleck? What THE FUCK are you thinking??” But instead I just smiled and almost fell off the machine when she removed her sweatshirt.)

Cindy Crawford is another natural beauty. It’s fun to see her there and watch all the Brentwood Botox moms seethe.

And then there are the stars that move up a notch or two because they’re just so doggone nice and approachable. Colby from SURVIVOR is one. (Although, again, I’m sooo tempted to ask, “when you won that hatchback on the show and climbed into the back with your mother, what the fuck was up with that?”)

And then there are those that move down because they’re so unapproachable. Don’t worry, Ms. starring female lead of PEARL HARBOR , I’m not going to ask you for your autograph or why, in the scene where you enter Ben’s room to see him packing all his things you say, “Are you leaving?”

If PEOPLE did use our gym as it’s measuring device they would find that many of the most beautiful people aren’t celebrities at all. They’re housewives, trainers, firemen, and comedy writers (hey, I can dream). But the point is: to say that the competition for the 100 most beautiful people in the world can only be celebrities is probably inaccurate since it leaves out 99.9999999% of the people in the world.

Angelina , wash your hair. You just might crack the top four million.

Say it ain't so, Phil!

Phil Hendrie is leaving radio to pursue acting fulltime. For those who aren’t familiar with Hendrie’s act, he’s created maybe the most original talk show ever done on that format and he’s the only person in the world who can do it. Every hour he interviews a “guest” but it’s really him doing another voice. As the hour unfolds the guest becomes progressively more audacious and infuriating. Incensed listeners then call the station and argue with him on the air. They don’t realize it’s a put on. Even after EIGHTEEN YEARS! The outrageous premises are funny and the idiot callers’ reactions are even funnier. It is satire and improv and theatre at its best. And Phil manages to play both the host and the guest and never gets tripped up. He’s Lenny Bruce, Ernie Kovacs, Danny Kaye, and Jon Stewart all rolled into one.

In the world of radio he is a king.

In the world of acting he’s just another schmuck.

Not that he’s not talented as a thesp, but come on, what success he’s had in television is directly related to his work in radio. For the last couple of years he’s had pilots built around him, even an animated one. None of them went. He’s currently in TEACHERS, a show that will soon hear the end of class bell. His brilliance and originality doesn’t translate well to television.

Chances are he’ll be up for more pilots and will guest in a few series. And maybe he’ll hit. I hope so. I hope he’s the next Tim Allen. But if not, after a couple of years he might become just one of those character actors who go up for day player roles. And as someone who idolizes Phil’s work, I will be so depressed if someday I’m casting a two day three-line part for a hotel clerk and see his name on the casting call list along with twenty others middle aged bald guys.

Phil may say to me “I could be the next Bob Crane.” But I would say to Phil: “Yeah, but you could also be the next Jay Thomas.”

Don’t give up your night job, Phil. Maybe just work weekends if you want more time to pursue your acting career. But anybody can be a desk clerk, only you can be Phil Hendrie and the hundred other people you play on the radio.

MANNEQUIN 2: the untold story

Buried in Sunday’s comments was a request to hear more about MANNEQUIN 2. My partner, David Isaacs and I sheepishly share credit on that movie (damn you, IMDB!!) and Andrew W. wants us to explain ourselves.

We did an extensive rewrite on MANNEQUIN 1, working for a couple of swell guys – Bruce McNall (former owner of the LA KINGS who later was sentenced to 70 months in federal prison) and David Begelman (who as President of Columbia Pictures was caught forging bogus expense checks as Cliff Robertson).

They wanted to pay us in TV’s but our agent insisted on money. (What’s 10% of a television, the speakers?) We did the rewrite in two weeks, actually had fun with it, and did receive our payment in US currency. (It was on this rewrite that we instituted the “24 second logic clock”. We were not going to get bogged down discussing whether a mannequin would do this or that. 24 seconds of debate, we picked a course of action and just went with it.)

MANNEQUIN was a huge hit, enough to warrant MANNEQUIN 2. Again we got the call to rewrite it. “For luck” as Begelman said. We said fine but we’d like more “lucky bucks”. This time they were willing to throw in a VCR and camcorder but again we insisted on money.

This script was even worse than the first but did our best. We turned it in, ran immediately to the bank to cash our checks, and then forgot about it. Months later we received the shooting script (further revised from ours) and the proposed credits. To our horror the script was worse and the studio was giving us shared credit.

We called our agent. Did we even WANT credit on this stinkburger? Yes, he said, because we would then be entitled to royalties. Okay then.

Anytime there is more than the original writer listed on the proposed credits the matter automatically goes to a WGA arbitration. I’ve been involved on both sides of this aisle – petitioning and arbitrating. Each writer drafts a statement pleading his case. These are always long, impassioned, pleas – how the idea came from their own lives and suffering and if they lost it would be a miscarriage of justice on the scale of OJ. We certainly in good conscience couldn’t write something like that. So what we wrote instead was:

To Whom It May Concern:

According to the bylaws set forth by the WGA credits manual we believe the credit should stand as proposed.

Thank you.

*****

That’s it.

We won.

When the movie finally was released (escaped) I was announcing for the Orioles. We were in Detroit. I went to see it on opening night. Big multiplex theatre. There were six people in the audience…counting me.

The movie went on to make nothing. McNall went to the federal pen. Begelman eventually killed himself. The film aired on a major network and has been shown for years on cable channels. Our agent was right. There were royalties we were entitled to.

We never saw a penny.

We should’ve taken the TV. At least we could sell it on ebay.

Swan Lake Michigan

Back home from Chicago, the Windy City, the Big Shoulders, the Hog Butcher to the World. Had a great trip. Only one person almost died but more about that later.

For 75 years Northwestern University has put on the
”Waa Mu Show”, a gala Broadway type review completely written, directed, and performed by students. Alums include Warren Beatty (who appeared in the first), Shelley Long (who apparently brought the house down in ’69), Lloyd Thaxton (the Ernie Kovacs of TV dance show hosts), and Steve Stark, now an executive at Gramnet Productions. This year our daughter, Annie wrote several of the comedy sketches and I’m happy to report they killed. All in all, a very impressive show. These kids can sing and dance and sure, most will wind up waiters and waitresses at Joe Allen’s but a few will make it big. Did I mention Steve Stark was a former member?

The trip started off as most American Airlines trips do – with a screw up. They had no record of our payment for the flights although they had sent us confirmation. But since we are valued Platinum members they let us purchase the tickets we purchased already again.

On to Chicago and then Evanston and another lesson learned. Don’t book rooms off Expedia. Com. Hotels allot them the worst ones. At the Orrington, we were given the wheelchair access room. The peep hole, all the door handles, and clothing rods were much lower than normal. It was like being in the Munchkinland Marriott. The bathroom had no divider for the shower so you’d turn on the water and flood the bathroom floor. Thank God there were hand rails everywhere. Room amenities included a hair dryer, iron, coffee maker, and can of WD-40. The featured movie on their pay-per-view was (I kid you not) THE RINGER about the Special Olympics. I’m surprised their Hollywood Classics category didn’t feature COMING HOME.

Chicago is the city of “nice”. Everyone is so friendly. At first it’s very disconcerting. Then you feel yourself appreciating it and wishing everyone was more like that. Then you realize it’s just plain creepy.

One out of four Chicago homes have ceramic swans on their front lawn. Why??? Maybe the first guy put one out, his neighbor was too nice to say how tacky and ridiculous it looked, so as not to hurt his feelings he put one out too. This was then repeated 2.6 million times.

Didn’t get to Gino’s East or Wrigley’s South this trip. Next time for sure. Chicago has the best pizza and baseball in the world.

Even though the White Sox won the World Series last year and are playing great ball again this season, every cap you see is for the Cubs. Maybe the White Sox should change their name to the Chicago Lawn Swans.

Spotted in Skokie: a pod mall that featured “Lovers Lane”- romantic gifts” and a medical services storefront. For your before and after needs.

The 70’s are still alive in the Midwest. Saw a commercial for “Sybaris pool suites”. After stopping by Lovers Lane and picking up your vibrating swan you and that someone special can rent a private pool or hot tub, relax, watch BOOGIE NIGHTS, and forget that sixteen other naked couples have already been in that room today.

We couldn’t have timed the trip better. This was “Gun Buy Back” weekend in Chicago.

Cigarette lighters must no longer be permitted on flights because at the O’Hare security checkpoint there were 50 of them. However, it’s okay to board a plane with an open bottle of Scotch. Sure. What harm could glass do??

It drizzled for two days, which is only significant in that it crippled O’Hare airport. Since O’Hare operates normally at 97% capacity, all it takes are three raindrops to completely ensnarl air traffic. Another airport has been proposed to share the load but the site is forty miles south of the Loop, coincidentally near the residence of former Illinois Governor George Ryan who was just convicted on 22 counts of racketeering and fraud. There are some Chicago traditions that never change.

So even though the sprinkles stopped at 2:00 our 7:00 PM flight left at 10:20. The movie was RUMOR HAS IT dubbed into Spanish. And snack boxes are $4.00 and include crackers. American Airlines say they know we have a choice in air travel but they must think that only other choice is Uzbekistan Airways.

Then an hour into the flight a woman two rows directly in front of me almost died. Her pulse just stopped. A nearby doctor rushed to her. Miraculously, after a minute, her pulse started up again. The doctor stayed with her, got her stabile, and applied an IV to keep her hydrated. There was much talk of an emergency landing in Omaha (and a few idiot passengers bitching about beverage service being interrupted) but we were able to fly straight through thanks in large part to this doctor – who also happens to be my mother’s doctor. It all ended well but I couldn’t help wondering – if the woman’s blood sugar was low and she needed something to eat, would American Airlines charge her the $4.00 for the snack box?? Uzbekistan wouldn’t.

Anyway, it’s good to be back home…for a week until my wife and I fly to Lisbon via London to begin a ten day Mediterranean cruise. I’m guessing there’ll be one or two stories on that trip. But at least the swans will be real.

Levine's Laws

I find these laws to be self evident…

Parking toll attendants at LAX are the slowest and dimmest people on the planet. They make postal clerk look like an Indy 500 pit crew.

There are more New York cab drivers who speak English than all the night nurses in all metropolitan hospitals combined.

Theatre audiences will always boo a Rob Schneider trailer yet he will keep getting movies.

There is not one mohel who doesn’t think he’s a comedian. There is not one mohel who is right.

If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong.

If you’re telling a joke in a restaurant the waiter will arrive and interrupt the minute you get to the punch line.

There will always be one young couple that brings a baby to a slasher movie.

A hostess in an empty restaurant will always lead you to the worst table.

In every article that mentions you, no matter how complimentary the article, there will always be one thing said or misquoted that will prevent you from Xeroxing and sending it to your family.

The heavier and more cumbersome your carry-on luggage, the farther your gate will be from the terminal.

The lead off walk always comes around to score unless it doesn’t.

No pregnant woman looks good in a bikini.

Networks will always say they want cutting edge new shows then pick up whatever pilot Paula Marshall is in.

When a hostess tells you it’ll only be five more minutes, they just have to clear off some tables – it’ll be twenty.

The minute you begin eating on an airplane, turbulence will begin.

When a couple from the mainland gets married in Hawaii the marriage doesn’t last.

Nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight. Ten out of ten if they stay two days.

The screw up because the hospital forgot to bill the correct insurer will never ever ever be resolved.

Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy.

The driver in front of you is an idiot.