Monday, May 01, 2006

Levine's Laws

I find these laws to be self evident…

Parking toll attendants at LAX are the slowest and dimmest people on the planet. They make postal clerk look like an Indy 500 pit crew.

There are more New York cab drivers who speak English than all the night nurses in all metropolitan hospitals combined.

Theatre audiences will always boo a Rob Schneider trailer yet he will keep getting movies.

There is not one mohel who doesn’t think he’s a comedian. There is not one mohel who is right.

If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong.

If you’re telling a joke in a restaurant the waiter will arrive and interrupt the minute you get to the punch line.

There will always be one young couple that brings a baby to a slasher movie.

A hostess in an empty restaurant will always lead you to the worst table.

In every article that mentions you, no matter how complimentary the article, there will always be one thing said or misquoted that will prevent you from Xeroxing and sending it to your family.

The heavier and more cumbersome your carry-on luggage, the farther your gate will be from the terminal.

The lead off walk always comes around to score unless it doesn’t.

No pregnant woman looks good in a bikini.

Networks will always say they want cutting edge new shows then pick up whatever pilot Paula Marshall is in.

When a hostess tells you it’ll only be five more minutes, they just have to clear off some tables – it’ll be twenty.

The minute you begin eating on an airplane, turbulence will begin.

When a couple from the mainland gets married in Hawaii the marriage doesn’t last.

Nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight. Ten out of ten if they stay two days.

The screw up because the hospital forgot to bill the correct insurer will never ever ever be resolved.

Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy.

The driver in front of you is an idiot.

10 comments :

Jenna said...

All so true, but none so much as this:

Nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight.

Walking the path at Downtown Disney made my average size feel positively waifish. Quite good for the ego, actually. It sounds like you're having quite the time in your travels; I hope it starts to look up.

Anonymous said...

Yo mean a mohel?

- Allen

By Ken Levine said...

Uh, yeah. That word's not in spell check for some reason. Thanks for the catch.

Anonymous said...

Not just Disneyland, but Disneyworld too.

So, if nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight, then six of those nine are moving around in a mobility scooter.

Anonymous said...

"When a couple from the mainland gets married in Hawaii the marriage doesn’t last."

Define "last". Just wondering how much longer I have.

Anonymous said...

"A hostess in an empty restaurant will always lead you to the worst table."

Or, the hostess in a nearly empty restaurant will always seat you directly next to the only other people in the entire restaurant.

joshm said...

I'd like to add some universal truths:

The cable company will always shut off your service right before Seacrest finally reveals who was obviously kicked off idol.

Said cable company will generally express surprise and/or dissapointment with the fact that instead of keeping track of when you should pay your bill, you simply wait for them to shut off your service.

Parents will invariably side with said cable company.

Roommate will always be upset that he now must steal internet from the Russian neighbors who own a drumset.

Russian neighbors will insist on playing loudly, and for the record, poorly, when you are trying to seduce someone.

Anonymous said...

How can security deny me access to the spot “reserved for the physically challenged” when they’ve never see me play basketball?

If you own a chain of dollar stores are you really an entrepreneur or just a guy renting space with a few thousand dollars of inventory?

Why do they call it chili when it’s so freakin’ hot.

When someone starts a sentence “It’s not that I don’t like Bob, I really do” you can be assured within the next few seconds Bob is ripped to shreds

My mother-in-law and her dog are the two nastiest bitches I know

Why is coldest in the hospital room just as the nurse/model is about to shave you for surgery?

Anonymous said...

cringing, crying, laughing. You all are too funny!

The kids who went to design school were supposed to come up with a way to seal up dog food, without a zipper. No way. Two plastic grooves never cooperate.

Anonymous said...

The lead off walk always comes around to score unless it doesn’t.

I'm sure you came up with it long before, but man, that sure brings back memories of 1992!!