Whole lotta shakin' goin' on!

Yes, we had another earthquake in Los Angeles Thursday morning. 4.5 on the Richter scale. In comparison, a 9 would be like living through a Michael Bay movie. It came around 1 a.m. I was sitting at my computer. No one else in the flirt nook felt it. Lasting about a minute, there was a rumble, jolt, then more rumbling. Since my cable didn’t go out I knew there was no damage anywhere in a two hundred mile radius. My cable almost went out the previous day because of the New York rainstorm.

I’d like to say we Angelinos get used to earthquakes and just roll with them (so to speak). But each one is unnerving. In the back of our minds we’re always thinking, “Is this the big one?” followed by, “I hope the epicenter is under Rupert Murdoch’s house.”

But we try to stay philosophical. Every locale has something. Hurricanes in Florida, floods in Iowa, tornadoes in Brooklyn, bridges in Minneapolis. We just have to press on.

Well…not all of us. During one early morning quake the local Channel 4 anchor on-camera just dove under the desk in terror. Not exactly Edward R. Murrow reporting from London with enemy bombs dropping behind him.

The night of the Whittier earthquake in 1987 (Richter rated 5.9 if you're scoring.) I went to Dodger Stadium. It was the end of the season, I was trying to make a play-by-play audition tape I could send to the minors, time was running out, and I still sucked. But as I sat there in the first row of the upper deck I thought to myself, “If there’s a big aftershock is there possibly a worse place I could be than a giant 25 year old concrete overhang hovering precariously hundreds of feet above the ground?” And worse, I blew a big inning by mis-identifying Mickey Hatcher as Teri Hatcher.

But the real terrifying quake was the one in Northridge in ’94. That one had a magnitude of 6.7 and caused $12 billion in damages (including my fallen chimney). Plus there were aftershocks for weeks, some substantial. For months, every time someone turned on an electric razor people scrambled to get under door frames.

Thank goodness for Jack Popejoy. Jack was the morning anchor on KFWB radio, the all-news station. His unflappable demeanor, reassurance, and steady reporting had a huge calming effect on a very shaken population. Heroes emerge from trying times.

Everyone who lived through the Northridge quake has a story. But here’s the funniest I’ve heard. There was a business affairs guy at Paramount who took a couple of sleeping pills and slept through the entire thing. When he awoke, all of his things were strewn about the floor. So he called the police and said he was robbed.

Oh those wacky natural disasters!

Some random ramblings because I have a short attention span today

Forget Paris Hilton. Now we have Jane Seymour! The former Bond girl/medicine woman has been charged with holding inappropriate all-night soirees in her mansion in England. Tell me this woman doesn't look like the party animal of ALL TIME!
Jane was in an episode of DHARMA & GREG that I directed and she was fine the first two days. Then I saw her and Jenna Elfman sharing a Pixie Stix and well, we know what happened to poor Jenna. She became a Scientologist. I thought Jane was going to get off scot-free but I guess not. If only I had stopped them.

I’m thinking of holding another Sitcom Room seminar sometime in the fall. If you’d like to be notified first when there are updates please click here. If you just want more info on what it’s all about, this is where you click. Either way, thanks.

The best new show in America this summer comes from England. JEKYLL on BBC America. It’s chilling, compelling, and was written by a comedy writer – Steven Moffat who also created the brilliant COUPLING. Lines like this: Mr. Hyde -- “Have you ever killed anyone? It’s like sex but there’s a winner.”

And it features Michelle Ryan (pictured above -- you can't miss her) who will play THE BIONIC WOMAN this season. Suddenly I'm looking forward to that show.

And speaking of Jolly Olde -- Ed Harris had a “hissy fit” and was detained for hours at Heathrow airport in London when they wouldn’t let him bring a small knife on the plane. Excuse me but do actors live by a different set of rules than the rest of the population of the planet? Security measures apply to all international citizens unless they starred in THE HUMAN STAIN?

Jon Miller of the Giants did a great call of Barry Bond's historic home run. It was replayed often. But only a portion was used -- just the hit itself. He had prefaced it with some great background, tying in former Giant greats and home run champions. None of that was replayed. So I suggested this should have been his call:

"There's a Ruthian drive McCovey would be proud of...it's going...just like the record of the great Hank Aaron...going...Mays in his heyday couldn't run it down...going...it's Jose Pa-GAN!!!!!"

Jon promised to call me when A-Rod gets close.

Sorry to see that Hal Fishman passed away. Hal was a local news anchor on KTLA Channel 5 in Los Angeles for over thirty years. He had a very unique approach. He just reported the news. We’ll never see his kind again.

Oh God, they just delivered a case of Pixie Stix to Jane's house.

Larry “Sideshow” Seidlin (pictured right), the wisecracking yet not-afraid-to-cry judge in the Anna Nicole case is doing a pilot for his own TV show. I love LA! If it goes, the coroner has a variety show he’ll be peddling around town.

More Jack Benny remembrances this weekend. I love you people for loving him.

The next time you watch ENTOURAGE and laugh at Ari Gold and think that character is such a funny exaggeration, just know that the real Ari (Emanuel) heads up the endeavor agency and this week they dumped 25% of their clients – writers, directors, actors. Endeavor now wishes to just represent “the best of the best”. Yeah, that Ari is a stitch!

And finally…

Telemundo’s ratings went up when it was discovered one of their anchors was having an affair with the mayor of Los Angeles. CBS is trying to get Katie Couric to sleep with Bush. It was explained to her this way: “It’s like sex but with a winner.”

Jack Benny

In the summer of 65 the Beatles were playing at the Hollywood Bowl. I had a chance to get a ticket but passed because it conflicted with another show I wanted to see more – Jack Benny was at the Sahara’s Hotel in Vegas.

Jack Benny is my comedy God. He’s been gone for over thirty years, comedy has evolved and changed since then but he remains my inspiration. And it’s hard to explain why if you’re not already familiar with him. For the most part he just stood stiffly on a stage. He rarely told jokes. He never did impressions. And yet no one could make me laugh like Jack Benny.

If the secret of comedy is timing, Jack Benny was the master. He could get a two minute sustained laugh from just a reaction – ON THE RADIO.

He started in vaudeville, hosted a top rated weekly radio program in the 30s and 40s, then moved seamlessly into television. He created a very specific persona for himself. Benny was supposedly very cheap. (In truth he was anything but.) He kept his money buried below his house in a vault with enough safeguards to keep Indiana Jones out. He was vain. Whenever asked, he claimed he was always 39. He considered himself as a virtuoso violinist although his playing sounded like a cat being tortured.

Furthermore, Benny created a whole world around him – much like SEINFELD. Wherever he went he seemed to be harassed by the same goofy characters. It was as if there was a conspiracy. His reaction to all of this, his exasperation and unflagging comic dignity made it all hysterically funny.

Unlike Robin Williams who would suck the air out of any room, Benny was extremely generous when it came to his supporting cast. Most of the time they had the big jokes and often at his expense. Even from “Rochester”, a black butler, pretty groundbreaking in those unenlightened days.

He was respectful and appreciative of his writers as well. Most stayed with him for over twenty years.

There’s one episode of his radio show that I think perfectly captures just who Jack Benny was. You’re on a bus being given a tour of Hollywood. For a half hour the driver points out various stars homes along with funny remarks and observations. Finally, 25 minutes into the program he announces, “Here is the home of Mr. Jack Benny.” Benny then says, “Driver, this is where I get off.” The next four minutes is just laughter. Jack had one line the entire show. But it was so set up by the world and the character he played.

Here are two examples of Jack Benny. The first features Frank Nelson as a department store floorwalker. Wherever Benny went he would encounter this guy.



And here's Groucho guesting on his show. At the time, Groucho hosted a weekly quiz show called YOU BET YOUR LIFE. In this sketch Benny poses as a contestant.



I made the right choice. That night at Sahara's he was sensational. No one who went to the Beatles concert could hear a note.

Hairspray

I think for my next movie project I’d like to develop a white version of THE WIZ. Movies become musicals then become movies of the musicals. Why not a movie of the movie of the musical of the movie?

Backing up one step we have HAIRSPRAY. Less warped (and delicious) than the original John Waters movie, and greater in scope than the 2002 Tony winning musical, HAIRSPRAY: the current movie is better in some cases than its predecessors and not as good in others.

Overall though, it’s infectious fun. Bouncy, catchy early 60's tunes. (Where are Bobby Rydell & Lesley Gore when we need them?) And unlike RENT, you don’t cringe when people break into song. (Of course that could be because they sing about waking up in Baltimore not getting AIDS.) What the movie lacks is the excitement of seeing it live and really getting swept up in the music. On the other hand, I saw the film at a WGA screening so I was the youngest person there by 40 years. Maybe your theater-going experience will be different.

The two big problems with adapting musicals for the bigscreen are how do you open it up, and who do you cast? Director Adam Shankman and screenwriter Leslie Dixon did a great job clearing the first hurdle. Since the piece was so stylized to begin with you have no trouble buying dance numbers in the street. It’s not like the film of WEST SIDE STORY where these bad ass gang members are all prancing around and pirouetting in urban war zones. And expanding the Allison Janney character was inspired. She stole every scene she was in.

Casting the adaptation was only partially successful. Hollywood always likes to cast movie stars instead of the Broadway performers. (So what if Natalie Wood and Audrey Hepburn can’t sing? Neither could Clint Eastwood but that didn’t stop him from crooning in PAINT YOUR WAGON.)

But with a youth oriented show, calling CAA makes sense. When they cast the RENT movie with the original off-Broadway cast they all looked 40 (which is because most probably are). Marissa Jaret Winokur, who won a Tony playing the lead, Tracy is now in her mid-30’s. Too old I'm afraid to still play 17. Even Tyne Daly decided not to apply.

Newcomer, Nikki Blonsky was terrific! You fear her future in the business will be playing wacky friends to pretty actresses not as talented but in her one starring role she shined. In general, all the kids were fine. Although, Andrew Rannells who played Link in the Broadway production I saw blew the doors off of Zach Efron.

Amanda Bynes proved it is possible to turn in a good performance without battling drug and alcohol addiction. Who knew?? And Christopher Walken was his usual superb strange self. Currently on Broadway, Jerry Mathers is playing that part. No. I’m not joking. Could you ever in a million years conceive that Beaver Cleaver and Christopher Walken would be playing the same role?

Queen Latifa was fine but not as good as Doris Troy on Broadway. And I’m told she was not as good as Mary Bond Davis who originated the role. If they made the movie today, Jennifer Hudson would play the part. Sure she’s too way young but she has an Oscar. Let's just say she's the right age for the marketing department.

I still can’t get over Clint Eastwood singing in PAINT YOUR WAGON. What were they and he thinking???

Now the bad news: John Travolta. The joke wears thin in like… a minute. And what you’re left with is a guy who can’t sing, has no real flair for comedy, and probably didn't need a fat suit. Here is where Hollywood sacrificed quality for name value. Harvey Fierstein made every line hysterical. The best you can say about John Travolta is that he's a good sport.

On the other end of the spectrum, Michelle Pheiffer was so painfully thin that I didn’t know whether to laugh at her jokes or call 911. It’s hard to enjoy a performance when you’re concerned for an actor’s safety.

But the bottom line is HAIRSPRAY is well worth seeing. Which version is up to you. Personally, I prefer the Broadway production. And after Jerry Mathers leaves maybe he'll be replaced by Don Imus.

Wait a sec -- instead of re-working THE WIZ, maybe I should focus on FROST/NIXON. First it was a TV show turned into a play and now will be a movie. I could turn the movie into a musical and then we could get another movie and maybe if we're lucky, a TV show based on the movie based on the musical based on the movie based on the play based on the TV show.

The 2007 Kenny Awards

There are so many award shows now I figured why not one more? The Kennys – my personal picks for television excellence. Granted, I don’t have the credibility of foreign waiters who decide the Golden Globes but I have even more legitimate credentials – I have a blog. Hopefully next year studios will take out ads.

So anyway, here they are, in no particular order and with no regard to what the TV Academy or anyone else recognizes – the coveted Kenny awards for 2007.

Amazingly, I notice Joan & Melissa Rivers are on my driveway interviewing my mailman. I guess they show up anytime awards are being handed out.

Best Comedy – 30 ROCK

Best Comedy I appreciate more than actually laugh at – THE OFFICE

Best Drama Cable – DEXTER

Best Drama Network – LOST

Best Drama I hear is great but never have watched – THE WIRE

Best Late Night Show – CINEMAX AFTER DARK (I like THE DAILY SHOW too but when given a choice come on, get real.)

Best Daytime Show – MASH reruns

Best Reality Show – INSTANT BEAUTY PAGEANT

Best Animated Show – THE SIMPSONS (Funnier than seasons 18, 13, and 11, on a par with seasons 14, 15, and 10, better than seasons 17 and 12, not as good as season 16, 1-4.)

Best Game Show Host – Pat Kiernan -- pictured left, THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE

Best behind the scenes of SNL show – 30 ROCK (A year ago this would have seemed impossible. It was STUDIO 60's to lose and they did.)

Best Actor in a Drama – Michael C. Hall as DEXTER. (A serial killer you’d be happy to go to dinner with… as long as he’s not cooking.)

Best Guest Actor in a Drama Series – Tim Daly in THE SOPRANOS (No one has given a more accurate portrayal of a screenwriter. He had an alcohol and gambling problem, got hooked up with the mob, got skulled with his “Human-itis” award and finally was shot to death. All that was missing was seeing him walk a picket line.)

Best Lead Actor in a Comedy – Alec Baldwin 30 ROCK. (He’s so good at comedy I now re-watch his dramas and laugh at those too.)

Best Lead Actress in a Comedy -- Feliticy Huffman, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. (To see how good she is, just compare her with any of those other preening hens she shares the screen with.)

Best Supporting Actor in a Drama – Michael Emerson as Ben on LOST (A mesmerizing villain. I watch him and think -- it’s what happened to “Harold” after “Maude” died.)

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy – Jenna Fischer, THE OFFICE. (See this post. I love her… but not in that creepy “ I want to download a line of her dialog and use it as my ringtone” way.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama – Jennifer Carpenter as DEXTER’S sister -- pictured left. (She’s what Holly Hunter tries to be in SAVING GRACE but you can look at her.)

Best Lead Actress in a Drama – Edie Falco, THE SOPRANOS. (Her depth, subtlety, and humanity made her the only truly sympathetic character in the series… along with maybe the hooker Tony banged in Vegas.)

Best Network News anchor – Charles Gibson, ABC (Even though he's not perky).

Best Cable News anchor – Kyra Phillips, CNN -- pictured right. (Yes, I love her but not in that creepy “I want to record her reporting a bus plunge to use as my ringtone” way.)

Best Network Sportscaster – Jon Miller, ESPN (I would watch if he were calling a Tampa Bay Devil Rays/Kansas City Royals game in September. Okay, I’d be comatose through most of it but the parts I was conscious I’d be enthralled.)

Best Series Finale – it was the show where they --

The Real Don Steele

The Real Don Steele was larger than life. For thirty years he ruled the Los Angeles airwaves, most notably on 93/KHJ “Boss Radio” in the 60’s and 70’s. Outrageous, electrifying, thrilling – that was Real on…and OFF the air.

Typically, after his afternoon show he would go to a Hollywood watering hole, Martoni’s and get plastered. Steele never did anything in moderation. One night Sinatra walked in with his fierce bodyguards and disappeared into a back room. Steele wanted to meet him. The others at his table told him it was a bad idea, Sinatra never liked intrusions, and he was in no condition to meet anybody. That didn’t stop Steele.

He marched into the back room where Sinatra was now eating, surrounded by his henchmen. Frank looked up and was startled. Steele stood before him and in his loudest booming voice began singing “Strangers in the Night”. Then, after one chorus, passed out face first in Sinatra’s pasta.

Talk to anyone who knew and loved him. They have a hundred of their own stories, each as good or better.

The Real Don Steele passed away ten years ago today. He was only 61 (although the way he lived it was closer to 108). There is a tribute website that features pictures, and a few samples of his work. If you want to hear the greatest cookin’ jock to ever crack a mic in the heyday of top 40, check him out.

Real also appeared in some highly prestigious films such as EATING RAOUL, DEATH RACE 2000 (starring Sylvester Stallone), ROCK N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, and Ron Howard’s first directing effort, GRAND THEFT AUTO. Television credits are equally as impressive: TALES FROM THE CRYPT and HERE COMES THE BRIDES.

I had the pleasure of working with him at two radio stations, K100 and TenQ in LA in the 70’s. He also fell off my couch stinking drunk one night and my wife still invited him to dinner again.

His catch phrase was “Tina Delgado is alive, ALIVE!” shouted by some unknown frenzied girl. No one ever knew the story behind it -- who Tina Degado was or how he came to use it. Even what the hell it meant. But it didn’t matter. It was all part of the excitement this larger-than-life personality created for “the magnificent megalopolis of Boss Angeles” three hours every day…and especially on “Fractious Fridays”.

His birthday was April 1st, I wish that maybe his passing is just an April’s Fool joke. That would be so like him. And at 3:00 I could turn on the radio, “Devil with a Blue Dress” by Mitch Ryder would come blazing out of my speaker and I would hear “The Real Don Steele is alive, ALIVE!”

He is in my heart. And always will be.

Thanks to Nancy Plum for the following montage from the first day of TenQ. In the bottom left photo that's me standing behind Steele.

My favorite comedy screenplays

Someone asked me to list my top ten favorite comedy screenplays. Fine, as long as I don’t have to do it in order and don’t have to limit myself to ten. These are my favorites, which means these are the movies I wish I had written.

ALL ABOUT EVE – Joseph Mankiewicz. Sharpest dialogue I’ve ever heard. The film is 56 years old and still crackles. Saw it again recently. What a pleasure to watch, especially now during the dumbing down of America.

SOME LIKE IT HOT – Billy Wilder & IAL Diamond. Disproves its classic last lane. Somebody IS perfect.

HEARTBREAK KID – Neil Simon (although the hand of director Elaine May is clearly evident). Jewish men generally love this movie, Jewish women hate it. A young Charles Grodin gives the comic performance of his career. And Eddie Albert (yes, Eddie Albert) will make you laugh out loud. There's a remake coming soon. I shudder to think.

THE LADY EVE – Preston Sturgess, story by Monckton Hoffe & Preston Sturgess. Screwball comedy at its funniest and most sophisticated. Barbara Stanwyck and Henry Fonda – not who you naturally think of as a comedy team but they pull it off with ease.

HIS GIRL FRIDAY – Screenplay by Charles Lederer, based on the play by Ben Hecht & Charles MacArthur. Cary Grant & Rosalind Russell trade quips at a pace that makes WEST WING seem slow. And every word out of their mouths is a gem.

ARTHUR -- Steve Gordon's masterpiece. For more info on Steve and scenes that were cut from his original draft, check out my archives.

TOOTSIE – Larry Gelbart (although fifteen other writers also had a hand in it). If there seems to be a pattern in the comedies I like its men posing as women or “Eve” in the title.

TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN – Woody Allen. This movie was a revelation, especially when you consider that at the time (late 60’s) most “comedies” were lame Doris Day type films.

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN – Mel Brooks & Gene Wilder. “Putting on the Ritz” scene alone puts this in my top ten.

ANNIE HALL -- Woody Allen & Marshall Brickman. For my money the perfect romantic comedy. (How could the same guy write HOLLYWOOD ENDING?)

MOONSTRUCK – John Patrick Shanley. Okay, so there are two perfect romantic comedies.

CHASING AMY – Kevin Smith. Funny, real, pitch perfect, and you actually root for Ben Affleck. Now that’s good writing!

AMERICAN GRAFFITI – George Lucas and Gloria Katz & Willard Huyck. A consistently funny movie that doesn’t even try to be a comedy. And what a soundtrack!

DR. STRANGELOVE – Stanley Kubrick and Peter George and Terry Southern. The perfect black comedy. And there are no other perfect black comedies.

THE PRODUCERS – Mel Brooks. The movie not the movie of the musical based on the movie. That was dreadful.

LA CAGE AUX FOLLES – Jean Poiret, Francis Veber, Edouard Molinaro, Marcello Damon. Even the subtitles were funny.

FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL -- Richard Curtis. Even Andie McDowell couldn't kill this English confection. But boy did she try.

SHOWGIRLS – Joe Eszterhas. So unspeakably terrible on every level that you can’t help but laugh throughout. (Okay, so that’s one I’m glad I didn’t write). It's a tribute to Elizabeth Berkley's talent that after starring in this movie she still has a career.

Everyone is invited to list your favorites. Including VOLUNTEERS is not mandatory.

It's not rocket science... or is it?

Coming Monday: "the Kennys" -- my equivalent of the Emmys but with no intolerable Debbie Allen choreographed production number.

Ben Silverman, new head honcho of NBC spoke to reporters recently at the TV Critics convention and spinfest. He said this: "I want to do it fast and furious. It's really hard to move this massive ship. We left port, we're in a business that is under attack, and we're an inch from an iceberg. We have to move quick, we have to roll up our sleeves and we have to get things done." Could he have worked in any more cliches and catch phrases? Not that he's alone. We're all guilty of talking like endeavor agents occasionally.

THE TELEGRAPH.co.uk had a fabulous contest recently. They invited readers to compose prose crammed with as many infuriating phrases and clichés as possible into no more than 150 words. Here are a few of the winning entries. You are welcome to provide your own as well (although I have no prizes to give you. I’m just a blogger). But I’m sure if my readers proactively put in 110% they can raise the bar to a new level and hit a slam dunk home run.

Mrs J. M. Johnson_To be honest with you, I'm pressurised 24/7. I'm literally in pieces. I surfed the net and sourced a top-dollar lifestyle guru, and he's working with my partner and I, prioritising issues so that we can team up and address them - know what I mean?
There's things that have to go on the back burner, so that we can jet away to the sun and chill to the max. A few drinks, a few laughs and I'll be firing on all cylinders, like I say. She'll shop until she drops - right? - but if that's what the little lady wants, that's what she'll get. We'll soak up the sun, go with the flow, and come back bronzed and fit. Hopefully, by Christmas, we'll be sorted, and ready to party, party, party big-time - and spend some quality time with the kids, with the turkey and all the trimmings.

****************

Nick Godfrey_I hear what you're saying but, with all due respect, it's not exactly rocket science. Basically, at the end of the day, the fact of the matter is you have got to be able to tick all the boxes. It's not the end of the world, but, to be perfectly honest with you, when push comes to shove, you don't want to be literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. Going forward we need to be singing from the same songsheet but you can't see the wood from the trees. Naturally hindsight is 20/20 vision and you have to take the rough with the smooth before proceeding onwards and upwards. The bottom line is you wear your heart on your sleeve and, when all is said and done, this is all part and parcel of the ongoing bigger picture. C'est la vie (if you know what I mean).

*******************

B.D.Farrant _I don't do competitions. But, at the end of the day, little ol' moi just couldn't resist this challenge. Actually, there's a lot of weather about 2d and moseying down to the shops has soooooo lost its appeal. As a result, there's a window here to think outside the box. Yes, you've got it, it's a blue sky thinking moment. I mean, it's not rocket science, you know. True enough, but let's face facts here, this could so be my conduit to a whole new ball game. Awesome, or what? That's if the judges don't, like, move the goal posts.

*******************

R.G. Banks_Let’s stop obsessing and get down to the nitty gritty of fleshing out the gender issues. John. I’m wanting to hear inclusiveness and ethnicity here. A raft of blue sky thinking to challenge accepted orthodoxies. The bottom line is about empowerment and at the end of the day getting up to speed working 24/7 towards a coalition of understanding through best practice. This can only be fully achieved if the glass ceiling, in inverted commas, is transformed into a level playing field where the goal posts cannot be moved without leaving a substantial carbon footprint which inevitably would consign us all to the expediency of existing between a rock and a hard place. We must pick up the ball and run because we can no longer wait for the smoking gun of the next denial of service attack to consign us all to the wheely bin of history.

Finally! A reply!

Remember a few weeks ago I emailed all my public officials asking their opinion of the Sopranos finale? Finally! I received a reply.

Thank you for taking the time to send your request to Governor Schwarzenegger. The Governor has asked that we reply on his behalf.

As we hope you understand, the Governor receives many similar requests, and although he would like to fulfill each one, his busy schedule simply does not permit it.

Again, thank you for contacting the Governor’s Office.

Sincerely,


Office of Constituent Affairs

So I guess a lot of people have asked him his opinion of the SOPRANOS finale. He's received many similar requests. Who knew? But at least he responded. Hint hint, Senators Boxer & Feinstein, and Chief Justice Roberts.

The CHEERS names not everybody knows

After yesterday's mention of Al Rosen I received a lot of comments about him and some of the other CHEERS regulars you often saw, occasionally heard, but never knew who they were. I posted on this about a year ago but it's worth bringing back and updating.

First up is Al Rosen -- the old rummy. I couldn't find a picture of him otherwise I'd include it. Al was really a championship TV wrestler back in the 50’s. He was the MAN WHO SAID SINATRA. Al sometimes needed two or three or eight takes to get his line right but it was always worth it. In one episode we wrote that someone referenced in the comments (“the Big Kiss Off”), he was supposed to come out of the back and deliver a joke. The first two takes he went up on the line. The third take he was perfect and got a big laugh. One problem though. In the first two takes he enters holding a drink. In the third he doesn’t but is holding his hand as if he DID have a drink in it. It looks totally bizarre, but we went with it because he got the line right. If you have the DVD check it out.

The older gentleman always referred to as Phil -- that’s Phil Perlman, Rhea’s dad (pictured left). Once we started giving him lines he listed himself in the credits as Philip Perlman.

Tom Babson wound up becoming a semi-regular. Cliff was always ragging on him for attending law school. Tom at various times was listed as “Tom”, “Tom Babson”, “Tom Ballard”, “Customer #1”, and “Barney”. But you may know him from KNOTS LANDING where he played “Man”.

In the later years, “Paul” also became a semi regular. He’s Paul Willson (pictured right), a gifted comic actor and one of the greatest improv artists I have EVER seen. I put him up there with Robin Williams. I feel bad for Paul because we finally built an episode around him but it was the second to the last one of the series. He pops up on a lot of shows. Always funny.

One of the great sports columnists of all-time, Alan Malamud, sat at the bar for eight or nine shows. Local LA sportscaster, Steve Bailey, had a drink from time to time, as well.

I show up in only one scene in one episode, the last Bar Wars.

All of the customers hoped that their parts would expand and become a series regulars as what happened with John Ratzenberger and George Wendt. It was never to be.

And then there’s the bar patron who was supposed to be a series regular and wound up as just an extra. In the pilot from time to time you see an old woman in the background. This was “Mrs. Littlefield”, a colorful politically opinionated spinster. She had a number of lines in the pilot. But the show was long, her character didn’t really score, and her part was cut. All that remains are a few shots of her here and there.

And finally, in a few episodes my father plays an extra. You’ll see him hitting on 25 year old women. My idea. You're welcome, dad.

No, I played Thug #2

A trainer in my gym is also an actor. (I know – knock you over with a feather). He just finished working on the new Showtime series CALIFORNICATION. He played “Hollywood Asshole”. And knowing him, I bet he was good in it. Some of his previous roles included “Jerk at the Bar”, “Thug #2”, and to prove he has range – “Jogger”.

An actress I know has these impressive credits: “Vegas Showgirl” on CSI. Also “Bikini Girl”, “Sheik Girl”, “Cute Girl”, and “Homewrecker”.

Another actress friend boasts these credits on imdb: “Waitress”, “Saleswoman”, “Assistant Candidate #1”, and the part she’s best known for -- “Desperate Woman”.

And one of the most talented comic actors I know lists these on his resume: “Caterer”, “Waiter”, “Delivery Boy”, “Great Great Grandfather” (he was in his 30’s at the time), “Husband”, “Exterminator”, and my personal favorite – “Squid”.

Forget being a star, most actors in Hollywood would be thrilled for a role that actually had a name.

Usually these parts are one or two lines, usually day player roles. But not always. Remember the old guy who used to sit at the bar at CHEERS. His name was Al Rosen. He became a semi-regular. He had lines in probably thirty episodes. His name on the show was “Man Who Said Sinatra”.

“Sinatra” was the first line he was assigned, he got a good laugh, and a few weeks later the writers were looking to give a line to a bar patron and someone suggested, “What about the man who said Sinatra?” And thus a legend was born.

It’s not easy being an actor. And for every one who gets a part as “Punk #2” and “Guy in the Sewer” just remember – there are five others who auditioned for those parts and didn’t get them.

Yours truly,

Schmuck with blog

There have been so many comments about Al Rosen and the other CHEERS barflies that my next post will answer your questions and give more details about them. Stay tuned.

blog schmuck

I'd be more excited if it was bobble-head night

I’m heading off to Dodger Stadium where I could witness baseball history if Barry Bonds hits one (to tie) or two home runs to break Henry Aaron’s all-time record. I couldn’t be more ambivalent. On the one hand it’s great to say you were there for a milestone. On the other, it’s Barry Bonds.

Besides, I’ve already been on hand to see some of the great moments of major league baseball.

I was in Anaheim Stadium the day Seattle outfielder, Kevin Mitchell (pictured left) ate a chili dog during a game and threw up in the dugout so violently that he went on the disabled list for two weeks with strained ribs.

I was in the Kingdome when Mariner pitcher, Eric Gunderson, made an illegal move to first base and a balk was called. Except there was no runner on first. He was on second. So he was balked to third where he scored on a fly ball to win the game.

I was in Tiger Stadium when Omar Visquel bunted into a triple-play.

I was at the LA Coliseum when Leo Durocher kicked umpire Jocko Conlin in the shin.

I was at Dodger Stadium the night Cincinnati pitcher, Pedro Borbon got so mad that during a bench clearing brawl he started swinging at his own teammates.

I was in Olympic Stadium in Montreal the night their paid attendance was higher than 3,000.

I was at Dodger Stadium on “Casey Stengel Night” when a foul ball hit his wife.

And I was in Yankee Stadium the day a fan fell out of the upper deck.

So yeah, what the hell? I hope the Dodgers walk Bonds every time he comes up.

Oh…wait. I forgot. I was also at Dodger Stadium the night Kirk Gibson hit the game winning home run in the opener of the 1988 World Series. It’s not Kevin Mitchell upchucking on his teammates shoes but it was pretty cool.

Tom Snyder

I saw Tom Snyder the day he got the offer to host the TOMORROW SHOW on NBC. It was 1972, Tom had been a local news anchor on KNBC in Los Angeles (with his weatherman Pat Sajek) and the big brass at the network wanted to seal the deal over a power lunch. Tom selected the place.

And that’s where I saw him – standing in line with me at Cassell’s hamburgers in Koreatown. Now granted, they’re the best burgers in Los Angeles, but still, it ain’t the Palm or Spagos.

It was a riot seeing the top executives of the National Broadcasting Company, all in their expensive suits, holding trays, being chided by the counter guys for not yelling out their orders loud enough.

But that was Tom Snyder. Never taking himself or anything too seriously – even his “big break”.

In many ways, Tom was the Jack Paar of the boomer generation. An eccentric personality who wasn’t afraid to show his emotions on national television, he was a master of the conversational in-depth interview. And he did his homework. Unlike Larry King recently, he would never get his Beatles mixed-up.

You would tune into the TOMORROW SHOW one night and Julie Andrews would be his guest. The next night it was Charles Manson. And again, unlike Larry King, he didn’t ask them both the same questions.

There was a touch of Edward R. Murrow in Tom Snyder. He would sit back in a chair, cigarette dangling in one hand, and very formally inform the audience that his guest that night was “Mr. Johnny Rotten”.

Dan Ackroyd enhanced his popularity with a dead-on impression on SNL, exaggerating all of Tom’s quirks, his boisterous laugh, and comb-over that seemed to wrap around his head twice. Tom apparently loved it. Imagine if it were Bill O'Reilly.

In the mid 90’s Tom had a late night talk show on CBS as well as a syndicated radio program. I was his guest once on the radio show, pimping my book. To my amazement he had actually read it (thus making him one of five). The interview was relaxed and fun. No wonder Charles Manson felt so at ease. Off the air I reminded him of the Cassell’s incident and heard that loud boisterous laugh for real. He said he had all his best meetings there.

Tom Synder will be long remembered, especially in Los Angeles, where his back-up news anchor from the KNBC days, Paul Moyer, has been imitating him for thirty years.

Protecting our Kuntry from obscenity

WARNING: This post contains offensive letters of the alphabet!

The FCC is so concerned about protecting the public from indecency that it doles out huge fines for swear words that accidentally go out over the air. And God forbid for one nanosecond America sees Janet Jackson’s breast. Our whole nation could collapse. If terrorists really want to bring down this country they should organize suicide streakers.

Meanwhile, for a yet-unbuilt low-power digital television station in Wailuka, Maui the FCC recently approved the call letters KUNT. This is not a joke! This is actually true! (I sure hope they don’t plan on being an affiliate for the Lifetime Network or Oxygen.) Yes, those call letters were deemed acceptable by the federal decency police. Here's the story.

The same station group applied for and received the call letters KWTF for a station in Arizona. Anyone who has ever typed an email knows what WTF means. You’re probably thinking it now just reading this post.

The President of KM communications, who requested and received those two call letters has since backed-off and will name his stations something more appropriate (KOCK? KLIT? KUM? Maybe KY-JL?)

The KM Prez insists it was a mistake and at the time he didn’t realize those call letters he applied for were offensive. KUNT doesn’t just sorta jump out at you? Was he pronouncing it Koont?

Outside of Aspen, Colorado there is KCUF, which is the F-word in reverse. They’ve been on the air since December. Thankfully no one with high moral standards is dyslexic. Otherwise, KCUF would be in deep TIHS.

They say their slogan is “Keeping Colorado Uniquely Free”. Sure. That’s why they had to have those particular call letters. Just like KUNT could stand for “Kall you next Tuesday.” Who TF are we kidding here?

I once worked for WDRQ in Detroit and used to call the station W-dreck. Dreck is Yiddish for shit. The three Jews who listened to that station were hysterical.

The Code of Federal Regulations allows applicants to request call letters of their choice as long as the letter combination is available. But here’s the kicker -- "objections to the assignment of requested call signs will not be entertained at the FCC."

No, but you can complain, and the station will probably be heavily fined if someone inadvertently utters “tit” on KUNT.

It’s also okay for only three or four major corporations to own all the radio and TV stations in the country. And if the Federal Communication Commission had its way, all internet radio stations – the only true voice of the individual – would pay such outrageous royalties that they would be forced out of existence.

No wonder no station is named K-FCC. Those three letters are the most offensive of all.

M*I*S*C M*A*S*H

By popular demand, more MASH stuff. (I never get this kind of reaction to my Palm Springs travelogues.) Here are some random questions and thoughts:

How did we get the medical jargon? We had a consultant on staff, Dr. Walter Dishell. When writing the script, David and I would just slug in medical nonsense.

HAWKEYE: I think his freebazzber is ruptured.

BJ: You might have to gumenford him and eeknonoogle his interior norgalflagle.

HAWKEYE: Nurse, zignuts. Stat!


Walt would send the script back replacing the zignuts. Eventually we became more proficient in operating procedures and by the end of our tenure we were taking a crack at the jargon ourselves, just calling him and running the scene by him. One of our proudest moments on the show was once writing an OR scene that required no changes. Of course the patient did die.

If you’re writing a spec script like a HOUSE that requires medical-speak, consult a doctor to get it right.

When breaking stories, we would often call Walt and say something like, “Here’s what we need -- a patient that comes in with a bad fever. He becomes delusional that night. The next day he’s better. But that night he dies.” An hour later Walt would call back with Hemorrhagic Fever or some other exotic disease.

At MASH we also had a nurse on stage who served as our technical advisor. That is why you never saw Hawkeye operate with a band saw.

A few people commented on the number of inconsistencies in the show. Yes, a show bible might have been nice. To me there were two BIG inconsistencies: Harry Morgan initially appeared as an insane general (maybe the funniest MASH episode EVER – “The General Flipped at Dawn”) and then later as Colonel Potter. And the other – we’re supposed to believe that eleven years of stories, main characters coming and going, actors aging over a decade, etc. all took place in less than two years.

The theme song, taken from the movie, “Suicide is Painless” was never sung on the series.

The show was shot at Twentieth Century Fox on Stage 9, and on location in Malibu canyon. A later brush fire destroyed most of the exterior sets. The sets from the stage are in the Smithsonian in Washington. I didn’t steal any of the props. I’m an idiot.

It took four days to shoot an episode. One day to read and rehearse, and three to film. One of the three shooting days would be out on location. But only until the end of Daylight Savings Time. After that the days were too short. The final six or seven episodes were always filmed exclusively on the stage, even the exterior scenes.

For my money the best episodes were written by Larry Gelbart and the team of Everett Greenbaum & Jim Frizzell.

I was there for the creation of Charles Emerson Winchester. The idea was to replace Frank Burns with a character that was very much his opposite. We all wanted Charles to be smarter and more gifted as a surgeon than Hawkeye or B.J. and, as opposed to Frank, a worthy adversary.

There were no auditions for the part of part. Producer Burt Metcalfe had seen David Ogden Stiers guesting on an episode of the MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and thought he’d be perfect. It was only after David was hired that we learned he could do that slight Boston accent.

MASH tribute sites have trivia contests. I often can’t answer questions from episodes I wrote.

For you SIMPSONS fans

Never one to not jump on a craze, with THE SIMPSONS movie opening this weekend I thought I'd post some of "Dancin' Homer" -- one of the episodes my partner, David Isaacs and I wrote. I'm also the voice of the radio announcer. Hopefully this will hold you until you get to the theater.

Dear Mr. Clavin

The Television Critics convention just wrapped up in Los Angeles. It was rather tame this year. No Aaron Sorkin to accuse me of being a hack. The only flicker of controversy was when ABC President Steve McPherson balked at making the big LOST announcement (Harold Perinneau is returning next season. He left his keys on the island and had to go back to get them.). McPherson was saving the big bombshell (?) for the Comic-Con convention this weekend in San Diego. Needless to say, the ink stained wretches were in a tizzy.

Melanie McFarland, the consistently hilarious TV reporter for the Seattle P-I, summed it up like this:

The very idea that a room full of socially awkward types who get paid to obsess over people and worlds that do not exist would be passed over in favor of a convention center stuffed with socially awkward types who obsess over people and worlds that do not exist -- while wearing costumes! -- was simply unacceptable. We are the true nerd herd, the gatekeepers of stupid information!

And other than that, there was little news worth printing. Not that they really grilled those on the hot seat before them.

During the HBO sessions the big question that everyone was asked was, “What did you think of THE SOPRANOS ending?” They were asking producers of other HBO shows. They asked Larry David. If you were associated in any way with HBO you were asked that question. So I figured, why stop there? I recently emailed both of my senators and my congressman. I also emailed Telemundo figuring that’s where my mayor spent most of his time now. I emailed my Governator. And most presidential candidates. I asked them all the SOPRANOS question.

And not one responded. Nobody. Nada. Zip. Zilch. The big goose egg. I at least expected the standard form reply “Thank you for sharing your view and you can be sure the senator is equally concerned and working tirelessly to resolve this vital matter. “

Not even that.

Even if they wrote back and began the note with “Dear Mr. Clavin” I would have been satisfied. But no.

So I’m guessing it was a really stupid question. Meanwhile, I’m still waiting to hear what they think of the new BIONIC WOMAN now that it’s been re-tooled. Stay tuned. Those emails should be coming in any minute. Yep. Annnnnnyyyy minute.

Oceans Two

Just back from one exciting night in Vegas. My writing partner David and I are developing a project for Jon Lovitz & Rita Rudner so we popped into town to see Rita’s show.

Flew Jet Blue out of Long Beach because it was HALF of what Southwest Airlines charged out of LAX. “You are now free to overpay for worse service and unassigned seats.”

Happy to say there were no riots in Vegas…even though the NBA Summer League is in full swing.

The big news is that Pamela Anderson is the magician’s assistant to Hans Klok. I guess when Borat stuffed her in a sack her true talent was discovered.

Stayed at Harrah’s – a hotel in search of a theme. They must've thought all the good themes were taken but they were wrong. Someday I shall open the Woodstock Hotel. I’ll put up a big stage, get Richie Havens and Country Joe & the Fish impersonators and charge people $120 a night to lay down a blanket and sleep in a field. VIP accommodations nearest the outhouse.

The Harrah’s slogan is “Oh Yeah!” Rejected slogans were “Uh huh, Baby!”, “Don’t Stop, Ooooh!”, “More like that!”, and “Harder like you mean it!”

Where else can you look out your window, see the Eiffel Tower, the Great Pyramid, dancing fountains, a tropical beach, King Arthur’s castle, the Statue of Liberty, a pirate ship, and the Gateway Arch of St. Louis? Oh wait. That’s just a partial view of McDonalds.

There is a street bazaar of some sort outside Harrah’s, recreating the great garage sales of Milwaukee.

Rita’s show was hilarious. A lot funnier than this. Almost an hour-and-a-half of great “I wish I had thought of that” material. We hung with her backstage, were led to the best table. It was like being Ray Liotta in GOODFELLAS without having to kill Joe Pesci.

Most cities celebrate history with museums. Vegas pays tribute to our nation’s past with the only remaining Playboy Club.

And there’s now a Hooters Hotel. Call them and ask to speak to John Smith. They’ll ring up 450 rooms.

All you have to do is watch the people who waddle through any Vegas casino, cup of quarters in one hand and a churro in the other to see why THE WIRE didn’t get any Emmy nominations.

Stopped by the Imperial Palace, which quite frankly is neither. If T-Bag from PRISON BREAK wanted to gamble in style on the strip this is where he would go. But they’re no longer owned by that guy who proudly had Hitler’s car on display. And they’re the only hotel with Dealertainers -- celebrity impersonators (Elvis, Sinatra, Barbra Streisand, etc.) who also deal blackjack. Where’s Stevie Wonder’s table?

There is now always a World Series of Poker going on.

An old style Vegas perennial, the Frontier Hotel just closed a few weeks ago. But that’s not to say Wayne Newton isn’t still headlining there.

And good news for old Jews! A Fountainbleau Hotel is coming soon. In no time you’ll be banging your spoons to Mitzi McCall, Rich Little, Abby Lane, and Elliott Yamin.

Swung by the Venetian for some high end Vegas class. First stop was Madame Tussaud’s wax museum where you can “grab hold” of your favorite stars. Play poker with Ben Affleck, marry George Clooney. As the brochure says, “kiss, hug or mug with your favorite entertainers and sports heroes and take all the pictures you want to show everyone you hung with the stars while you were in Las Vegas.” No wonder the Venetian prides itself on its elegance and sophistication.

One of their other great features is the Grand Canal shops. Fake cobblestone walkways, a painted sky (giving the place a sense of nuclear winter), building facades, piped in music, and oh yes, a concrete canal. I don’t know -- being in a gondola in an indoor mall with fat tourists snapping cellphone photos and toting bags from the M & M store doesn’t really set the stage for romance. But maybe that’s just me.

The Celine Dion “Cheese-a-palooza” continues to assault and stupefy audiences at Caesar’s. Imagine the Orange Bowl Halftime show, the Olympics Opening Ceremony, the West Hollywood Gay Pride Parade, and Mt. Vesuvius erupting all rolled into one. And that’s just during the “turn off your cellphones” announcement.

Carrot Top is a Vegas headliner. Somewhere in the great beyond Bugsy Siegal is saying “If this is what I ultimately created I deserved to be shot.”

It is a town unique to the world. Come for the glitz, stay for Rita Rudner, and hang around till Saturday when Gerry & the Pacemakers headline at Cannery Row. Las Vegas truly is Chuck E. Cheese for adults.

Thanks!

A couple of attendees of the Sitcom Room wrote reports about it in their blogs. If you're interested, here they are. Christina's and Richard's. Otherwise, zip past this blatant self serving plug to my new post of the day.

Break a leg, Barry!

No. Really. In three places.

As Barry Bonds closes in on the great Hank Aaron’s all-time homer milestone I think I speak for all baseball fans (outside of the 415 area code) when I say, I hope he trips on a curb and falls into an open manhole.

I will grant you he’s a superb hitter and deserving of the Hall of Fame but so what? Auric Goldfinger was an excellent businessman. Lorena Bobbitt could qualify as a terrific mohel. And Benito Mussolini got the trains to run on time. Barry Bonds is a bad guy. He probably took steroids (or swallowed a Macy’s Parade balloon), will beat the rap, and will stand by guilt-free as others take the fall for him.

He knows we all hate him and he’s laughing. (He’s like the George Bush of baseball.)

I remember back in the 1962 when the Dodgers were in a tough pennant race with the Giants and Maury Wills was breaking Ty Cobb’s long standing stolen base record. The Dodgers went up to San Francisco for a series and the Giants had flooded the base paths so Wills couldn’t run. At the moment Bonds is playing at home but I was hoping that on the road every team would raise their outfield walls by 100 feet. But I also hope we find Osama Bin Laden.

A related issue is should Bud Selig be there to witness the (yawn) historic event? Of course he should!! He’s the God damn commissioner of baseball! And since Bonds has never officially been charged of any wrong doing there’s no legitimate reason not to go.

Besides, it’s a baseball game. Wouldn’t the commissioner of baseball WANT to go to a baseball game? This is not a state funeral. Other people want to go to baseball games so much they actually pay to see them. And they don’t sit in luxury suites or behind home plate. Selig has been showing up of late but it’s always begrudgingly. Come on, Bud. He didn’t kill any dogs.

The nation rejoiced when Cal Ripken became baseball’s iron man. We cheered Mark MacGwire breaking Roger Maris’ single season homer mark (what did we know at the time?). Baseball is all about history and records and reaching new heights. We have so few things to cheer about these days. Other than who will win PIRATE MASTER, what?? We’d like to be able to celebrate this… but we can’t. Not for a multi-millionaire who during the last baseball strike went to a judge and tried to get a break on his child support payments.

When Bonds hit his 715th blast last year in “Corporate Sponsor’s Name Here” Park in San Francisco, passing Babe Ruth for second place, his mother wasn’t there, nor was his wife and kids, the Giants’ team owner, the so-called “commissioner of baseball” (he was probably trying on new suits deciding which one would be the most comfortable to sleep in), or Willie Mays. He wasn’t mobbed by teammates at home plate. Only a handful of national reporters were there. And these guys go anywhere on their papers’ dime.

So when Bonds breaks the all-time record (unless we get lucky and Tanya Harding decides to go after him) it will be a huge NON EVENT. Just another reminder that in this day and age the villain often wins. Maybe he can have a drink and celebrate with O.J. Simpson.

Hip hip…whatever.

If you're on a new series don't buy a house

Production has begun on fall season shows. And so the upheaval begins. Networks and studios are firing cast members left and right on new series. This comes after they fired actors left and right during pilot season. One of the stars of CAVEMAN couldn’t make the grade.

There must be at least one actor who was hired, fired, hired on another show, and fired again all within the last two months. And actors from failed pilots are replacing actors on sold pilots. At some point it’s going to be like THAT OBSCURE OBJECT OF DESIRE, the Luis Bunuel movie where two actresses played the same role in the same film. You’ll be watching a show. There’s Kim Raver. Now there’s Gina Gershon. Now there’s Kim Raver again. One tests better in outdoor scenes. The other tests better in indoor scenes. WTF??!

Actors are also bailing from hits. Mandy Patinkin quit his fourth or fifth show. Why networks keep giving this maniac more series is beyond me. It reminds me of a few years ago when Savario Guerra quit BECKER because he felt hemmed in in a series. Great career move. He hasn’t been seen since.

LIPSTICK JUNGLE (pictured above) fired its show runners. This coming after one completed script. Of course that show had also fired three previous writers along the way and completely re-cast the show. There may be more LIPSTICK JUNGLE former employees than viewers.

And even if your series is running smoothly with no turnover there’s still a huge uncertainty. Networks are revamping their fall schedules. You could be off the air before you even get on the air. The network executive who championed your show could be fired. Or you took your pilot to Network “A”. They passed. Network “B” picked it up and you got on the schedule. You publicly ripped the executive at Network “A” for his short sightedness, saying “he couldn’t find water in a leaky boat with a paddle in the middle of the ocean”, and he’s now the head of Network “B”. Don't look now but a Bob Saget game show has your time slot.

What all this says is that there is a level of fear and anxiety at the network television level that is palpable. Yes, shows can be improved, and certain actors and writers don’t work out. But such widespread upheaval signals a clear lack of faith in the product, which sets off a vicious circle. It’s hard to create in that atmosphere. The writers are forever second-guessed. The actors are always looking over their shoulders. As a result the shows don’t turn out as well. Networks get more scared, and on and on and on…

It all comes back to this: hire the best people, let them do their best work, and take a chance. 90% of shows are going to fail anyway. But the ones that succeed might be the next SOPRANOS or SEINFELD and you won’t have to bring back THE APPRENTICE and ACCORDING TO JIM.
It all starts with believing…and if you have to fire someone, let it be Mandy Patinkin.

The Sitcom Room Report

Thanks to all who participated in and survived the Sitcom Room (or, as the Hilton hotel had posted on our meeting room door – Sitcon Room). I’m sure some of the students will be commenting. I heard a number of them mumble something about revenge.

But it was a jam packed weekend. Saturday’s session began at 9:00 AM. And. depending on the group, ended between midnight and 6:00 AM. And no, I wasn’t lecturing that whole time.

Saturday did begin at 9 with me telling them everything I knew about comedy and writing and life. Then we broke for coffee at 10. After lunch we split them up into four groups of five. Four brave actors performed a ten-minute scene that needed, uh…work. It was like sending soldiers off to combat with nerf rifles. Then the groups were all treated to network and studio notes. And good thing too! No telling what horrendous scenes these people might write without the sage guidance and wisdom of the network and studio!

From there the teams were shown their plush (actually they were) writers rooms. I circulated throughout the day and evening along with my partner, Dan. By 9:00 PM each room looked like a bomb had gone off in it – leftover food, empty Diet Coke cans, Styrofoam boxes, paper everywhere. And the smell of a take-out dinner that will remain in those rooms forever.

The teams really bonded. Imagine THE APPRENTICE if the teams were smart funny nice people instead of Type-A insufferable self involved assholes. I got the feeling that some of the students actually, well…liked each other. Even after 2:30!

Following a luxurious night’s sleep of between four and zero hours the teams re-assembled in the meeting room at 9 A.M. The actors returned and performed their rewritten scenes.

And that’s where things really got fun.

I’m happy…and relieved…and thrilled to say that each group kicked ass. I honestly didn’t know what to expect. For all I knew it could have been PROJECT GREENLIGHT: THE SITCOM. But each scene was funny, inventive, brimming with great ideas. I could not be more proud of these dedicated talented exhausted people.

They went back to their rooms to polish their scripts based on the runthrough. Most accomplished in two hours what it took six hours to do the night before.

The seminar concluded with a panel discussion. I was joined by Sam Simon (THE SIMPSONS, TAXI, CHEERS), Fred Rubin (NIGHT COURT, ARCHIE BUNKER’S PLACE), Marley Sims (HOME IMPROVEMENT), and David Isaacs (see my credits). For two hours we shared advice, war stories, and answered questions. Topics included James L. Brooks, spec scripts, the state of comedy, nightmare actors, the process, Q scores, animation, Mary Tyler Moore, ageism, getting started, Captain Kangaroo, new delivery systems, first jobs, Standards & Practices, the problems women writers face, viewer complaints, the GIMME A BREAK theme song, partnerships, Drew Carey, fat stupid husbands and way too attractive TV wives, the Fat Albert Show, agents, Garry Shandling, the Disney Channel, Sam & Diane, WEBSTER, fanatic viewers, and big breaks.

Thanks again to Andy Goldberg, Jeremy Licht, Kimberly Wallis, KerriLee Kaski, my esteemed panel, Dan O’Day, “studio head” Cliff Levine, Kevin Gershan, Annie Levine, the guy who set up the coffee pot, and mostly the twenty terrific students who made this weekend come off so well.

I look forward to holding another Sitcom Room seminar, although I look forward to a nap more.

Hawkeye's speech

Here’s the speech from our first MASH, “Out of Sight/Out of Mind” that took us a week and at least fifty drafts. But launched our career. Hawkeye was temporarily blind, with no guarantee he’d ever see again. He dealt with it by staying very busy, even being a little manic.

Finally, B.J. sits him down in Post Op and they have the following exchange:


B.J.
Listen, Hawk, why don’t you just settle down for five minutes? I know what you’re trying to do, and I know how you really feel.

HAWKEYE
No you don’t.

B.J.
You don’t want to have time to think about what might happen to you.

HAWKEYE
That’s not it. Sure, when Overman walks in tomorrow and unwraps my package, I hope to God I’ll have my sight back. But in the meantime, this crazy accident has taken on another meaning.

B.J.
How?

HAWKEYE
One part of the world closed down for me, but another part opened up. Sure, I’ve been seeing myself sitting on a corner with a tin cup selling thermometers. But things are happening that take me away from that. This morning I spent two incredible hours listening to a rainstorm. I didn’t just hear it, I was part of it. I’ll bet you never realized that the sound of rain hitting the ground makes the same noise as steaks when they barbeque, or that thunder seems to echo forever. And you can’t believe how funny it is to hear someone slip and fall in the mud. Had to be Burns. Beej, it’s full of trapdoors, but I think I’m using this thing to my advantage. I’ve never spent a more conscious day in my life.