The barbeque of DEATH!!!

As another World Series begins it’s always fun to look back at the season and salute the idiotic injuries players and coaches suffer. My thanks to ESPN’s Jayson Stark for uncovering these.

Bizarre injuries are a baseball tradition as much as the seventh inning stretch. My all-time favorite belongs to Dodger outfielder, Pedro Guerrero. This is a man who was up on a drug charge and the defense pleaded he was too stupid to know what was going on and he won! In 1987 during the Whittier earthquake Pedro decided to evacuate his house. Most people, when caught in that unfortunate situation, retrieve precious family photos, insurance policies, passports, etc. Pedro wrenched his back hauling his priceless big screen TV out to the lawn. The defense rests.

Now for this year’s bonehead casualties:

Raul Ibanez of the Mariners was out for a week in May with a back injury sustained when he tried to get some sleep on the team plane.

This is why I never run: Milwaukee manager, Ned Yost was jogging in Wrigley Field and tripped over a patch of loose concrete. He broke his collarbone.

Somehow in June Washington reliever, Jesus Colome suffered an “abscess on his right buttock”. The team’s General Manager, Jim Bowden is quoted in the Washington Post as saying, “We pray for his buttocks and his family.”

Tampa Bay pitching coach, Jim Hickey hit a golf shot that missed the fairway, caromed off a curb and hit him the eyebrow, requiring surgery for a detached retina. No “Fore-eyes” jokes please.

Forget weapons. There should be an organization dedicated to the prevention of barbeques. They seem to account for a shocking number of baseball mishaps. Phillies centerfielder, Aaron Rowland missed a few games in the summer after “tweaking” his back while playing tag at a BBQ. Cub’s pitcher, Bobby Howry twisted his back carrying a gas grill across his patio. A dry run I’m sure in case he ever has to evacuate.

Meanwhile, Pirates pitcher, Ian Snell burned the tip of his index finger grilling chicken. “Let me just see if it’s done…AAAAAA!!!!”

Red Sox centerfielder, Coco Crisp (for you non-baseball fans, yes, that’s his real name) was struck in the knee by the Mariner Moose mobile. Apparently, the Mariner Moose was not looking where he was going. My guess is he was on a cellphone like every other driver.

And finally, there’s the Milton Bradley saga (again, for you non-baseball fans, I’m not making up these names). He got into an argument with an umpire and when his manager tried to break things up by flinging him to the ground he tore up his ACL. “Yer out!!…for a YEAR.”

Enjoy the World Series. And you might want to boil those hot dogs instead of grilling them.

VIVA LAUGHLIN

There’s a reason most musicals don’t work on film. People in real life, as a rule, don’t break out into song. And there are no orchestras and background choruses on stand-by should they decide they do want to punctuate a conversation with a power ballad. Unless the project is so highly stylized that even Liza Minelli doesn’t think it’s real, musicals in real life settings tend to be well…creepfests.

Seventeen years ago, Steven Bochco decided to do a show combining a police drama and musical theater. It’s like if Reeses’, instead of combining chocolate and peanut butter, combined chocolate and toilet bowl cleanser. COP ROCK was an unmitigated disaster.

Well, I’m proud to announce that COP ROCK is no longer the worst most embarrassing show in the history of television. The monkey is off their back. There is now VIVA LAUGHLIN, so stupendously awful that no show will ever succeed in that time slot for the next 99 years.

In this series they trade cops for a casino operator but it’s the same premise. Actors inexplicably launch into songs and dance numbers. Imagine Warren Beatty in BUGSY suddenly breaking into “I’m a Pepper, You’re a Pepper, Everyone loves Dr. Pepper”. That’s VIVA LAUGHLIN.

It was originally a hit in England but so was THE RICH LIST.

And how does something so utterly absurd get on a major network? Hugh Jackman is one of the executive producers. Network honchos got to have dinner one night with Hugh Jackman – take their picture with him, maybe get him to autograph their cocktail napkins.

I missed the pilot, which I hear was jaw dropping. But I did catch up to episode two (which, considering the ratings) also became the series finale. CBS Berlin called yesterday.

First it started with the now obligatory “Previously on” section (even sitcoms have that now). For three minutes there was this dizzying montage of unrecognizable characters blurting out random phrases. “He’s dead!” “I’ll call her in the morning.” “Did you pick up my cleaning?” “Ace beats a three.” “That Flomax really works!” Thanks. I’m all caught up now.

Then on with the show. Lloyd Owen is the star. Picture Mike Brady’s evil twin who talks like Greg Germann. He speaks in this bad Raymond Chandler dialogue. “Y’know yer problem, you play fair.” And his image as a tough guy isn’t compromised the slightest when he suddenly breaks into “I’m Still Standing” and dances up and down escalators in a pathetic attempt to recreate the Christopher Walken music video.

He has a sidekick. The “Boo Boo” to his “Yogi”. In this case, a schleppy Jewish guy. Who better to fret over the books and debt notices than a Jew? And nice touch having him sing along with “Money, that’s all I want”.

Melanie Griffith (shot lovingly through a filter of cheesecloth) plays a character named Bunny Baxter. That’s really all you need to know except Melanie’s face work came out much better than Candice Bergen’s.

Other names in this series are Nicky Fontana, Jonesy, Ripley, and Cheyenne. It’s as if everyone in Laughlin, Nevada is named after a member of the Village People.

Rounding out the group are Madchen Amick (as long as she doesn’t do comedy I’m in love), some Ryan Seacrest type pretty boy detective, and former U.S. President, Wayne Palmer from 24 (still blending into any background he stands in front of).

The episode began with two detectives spitting out five minutes of the most convoluted exposition I’ve ever heard. It would have been easier for the Nazis to break Navajo codes than to decipher this backstory.

Then an hour of hard-boiled clichés, this Mike Brady/Greg Germann (who leaves visible slime trails wherever he goes) flashy musical numbers sung by people who can’t sing, and the following plotline:

In order to get more people into his establishment, Mike/Greg tries to lure a big high roller from President Palmer’s casino to his. How? By enticing him with a hot chick. Ah, but there’s a delightful twist. He only likes fat chicks. So Mike/Greg enlists the help of an obese employee, who of course doesn’t have a problem with the idea of some weasel she’s never even met sleeping with her. In fact, she’s downright flattered that Mike/Greg asked.

And if that wasn’t scummy and reprehensible enough, there was this exchange of dialogue:

Mike/Greg explains he’d like her to turn on the charm and suck him in and she says, “If he’s that good looking I might do more than suck.”

CLICK.

COP ROCK, please come back! I swear, I’ll never make fun of you again. Or SHOWGIRLS. Or PAINT YOUR WAGON.

Don't cry for me, Ellen DeGeneres

America is divided again. This great nation is again in danger of collapse, ripped apart by another major issue affecting each one of us personally and deeply – Was Ellen DeGeneres to be applauded for crying on television over a little doggie being taken away from a family or is she just a nut? Many claim it was refreshing to see someone on television express genuine emotion. Others think it’s time she admitted herself to the drooling academy. So I ask you, my dear blog readers – as diverse and insane a cross-section of the population as one can find, what do you think?

Was Ellen right to cry over this?

Did the agency also confiscate the dog’s bowl?

Was it okay for New York Yankees radio announcer, Suzyn Waldman to break down and cry on a post game show after the Yankees choked in the playoffs (again!) or did it set women sportscasters back a hundred years?

Can the same agency that took away the doggie (“Iggie”) do the same to Britney Spears’ child?

Were we wrong to think when Ellen was with Ann Heche that she was the stable one?

Should this be a lesson to anyone who “re-gifts”?

Should this be a lesson to anyone who sublets?

Are there worse things in life than this?

Is Katie Couric firing her staff for not thinking of this first?

Will the little dog now get his own daytime show? “Dr. Iggie”

Should Ellen have shown more composure and professionalism and waited until November sweeps to have her meltdown?

Is the dog better off in the new family?

Wouldn't this have made for a great episode of FRASIER?

Or LASSIE?

Can't Ellen just buy the rescue agency?

If Juliet from The Fox Morning Show with Mike & Juliet did the same thing would anybody give a shit?

Do you even know who Juliet is?

And finally…will Ellen DeGeneres become the next Tammy Fay Baker?

Wanna see my play?

I know it's last minute but I'm having a staged reading of my play, UPFRONTS AND PERSONAL Monday night, Oct.22 at the Blank Theater at 6500 Santa Monica Blvd. in Hollywood. It's a very small space with only a handful of tickets left, but if you're interested please go here, to the theater's website. Thanks.

UPFRONTS & PERSONAL
Written By Ken Levine
Directed By Nikki Hevesy
Set in a hotel suite in New York, UPFRONTS AND PERSONAL is a comedy about how studios and writer/producers get their shows on the network fall schedule. It’s a world of competition, deals, deceit, allies, enemies, compromise, sex, love, death, savvy, ageism, ethics, and a fat guy in a Beefeater suit. UPFRONTS AND PERSONAL is a hilarious tragedy on the compromises creative people must make to succeed in television at the risk of losing their souls.

Speaking farce-y

Writing related stuff today.

The Toronto Star just published a blistering expose of the Sitcom Room by one of our first attendees, Rick Whelan. I've got calls in to my lawyers but of course they haven't returned them. By the way, we still have an open seat for Sitcom Room II. If you can be in L.A. November 3 - 4, you might want to grab it before someone else does. Here's where you go. Thanks.

Onward...

One writing question I'm often asked is how are farces constructed? I’m sure fifty different comedy writers would give you fifty different approaches but this is mine.

First off there must be jeopardy. Something the characters need very badly and are willing to go to the greatest lengths to achieve. The situation can be totally absurd to us but to the characters themselves they’re very real. In fact, the greater the jeopardy the crazier they can act.

Secondly, a farce is built on a lie. A character lies and then to keep from getting caught must lie again. The lies multiply, the character digs himself into a deeper hole. And generally, there are several characters forced to lie. Often the lies contradict each other.

Needless to say, this takes careful planning. The structure of a farce is critical. Things have to happen with exact precision. The pressure must never let up. Constant roadblocks must be introduced. Complications on top of more complications. The vice tightens…and tightens…and tightens.

Generally, farces take place in real time. There are no fade outs, no dissolves, no relief. And as the piece builds the pace quickens. If done right, a farce should be a snowball rolling down a hill, gaining momentum and size.

Neil Simon, who wrote the wonderful farce RUMORS, is quoted as saying “At the final curtain, the audience must be as spent as the actors, who by now are on oxygen support. If the audience is only wheezing with laughter, you need rewrites or actors with stronger lungs.”

They’re incredibly tough to pull off but unbelievably satisfying when you do. And for my money, no show ever did them better than FRASIER.

Rated R for language

If you're familiar with the play or movie of David Mamet's GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS, you know it is laced with expletives. On a par with DEADWOOD or a Tommy Lasorda post game interview. Here's a great parody movie trailer. Warning: salty language. But I bet that doesn't stop you from watching.

The first scene that launched our career

Anytime I post something about MASH I get a lot of positive feedback. A few months ago I talked about our first MASH episode, how we got it, what it was about. Here's that post. You can imagine the unbelievable thrill of seeing our names for the first time on a MASH episode.

Here's the first scene from that episode -- "Out of Sight/Out of Mind".

I went out and bought a VCR unit so I could tape the show. It weighed almost a hundred pounds, cost $1700 and was 3/4". The salesman was showing me all the features. It had slow motion and even freeze frame. I asked why would anyone want those features? The salesman said, "Schmuck, for porn! Why do you want it?" Suddenly I felt sheepish saying so that I could freeze my credit and instead just said, "Yeah, porn. That's why I want it too."

You're welcome to freeze frame my credit... but only in the privacy of your own home.

Charles Emerson Winchester

I talked recently about new shows making adjustments as they try to find their way. Existing shows often make mid-course corrections as well in an attempt to stay fresh. Sometimes those don’t work out. A lot Jar Jar Binx have been added to hit shows much to their misfortune and defection of viewers. LOST seems to bury alive two new cast members a season.

But when a big change works it can revitalize a series, change the chemistry, and add years to the life of its run.

One of the most successful cast changes was Charles Emerson Winchester joining MASH. Larry Linville, who had played Frank Burns decided to leave the series after year five. It was a huge loss. Larry was a brilliant comic actor, incredibly easy to work with, and provided a lot of the comedy heavy lifting. There were those who claimed the character was the most unrealistic – how could the army sanction a doctor who was such a buffoon? But this is same army that just this week inadvertently took out a recruiting ad in an openly gay website. GLEE.com didn’t seem the least bit suspicious to them?

Criticism aside, the decision was made to have the new character be the complete opposite of Frank Burns. Anything else would be a faint carbon of the original. We all decided to make him a brilliant surgeon, even better than Hawkeye, and unlike Frank, a worthy adversary. Humor would come from his ego. Along those lines, we made him aristocratic. The show had never dealt with wealthy people being forced to serve – seeing a rich, spoiled, pompous ass having to live in a tent and use an outdoor latrine seemed delightful to us.

There was no casting call for the part. David Ogden Stiers was just offered the role. Executive Producer, Burt Metcalfe had seen him guest on a MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW episode was quite impressed and we had worked with him on a TONY RANDALL SHOW episode we wrote and were also huge fans.

We met with him the day before production began and discussed the character. He asked if he should do a Boston accent. He tried it, reading a portion of the next day’s script. We said it was good but we were concerned it would be a little hard to decipher. He said, “Well, let me back it off a little.” He read the same passage again and was perfect. We said, “That’s it!” And he did that, for every episode, the accent never slipping or changing. We knew we had a jewel.

Interestingly, the first episode he was written into was not the first episode that aired. David Isaacs and I wrote “the Merchant of Korea” (where he gets involved in a camp poker game and takes everyone’s money until they discover a tell). Jim Fritzell & Everett Greenbaum used that to help guide them in writing the season premiere that introduced him.

I remember the opening night party, saying to David Stiers that as of tomorrow his whole life was about to change. I was right, of course. Thankfully, it changed for the better.

And MASH got a great blood transfusion.

One final trivia note: In college I once went out with a girl named Honoria. I asked if she used any nicknames, like maybe "Honey"? She arched her back and angrily said, "NO. My name is Honoria!" Needless to say we didn't click. But I used that name for Charles' sister. Never give shit to a future comedy writer.

Things not to do at Disneyland

Saw this picture recently and it reminded me of a few of the stunts I used to pull at Disneyland in my younger days. Not that I'm proud of any of these of course. Tom Sawyer's Island had all those little caves and crevices. Ideal for smoking illegal substances. In the late 60's, nine out of ten teenagers would enter the park and head right for Tom Sawyer's. There could be no lines for Pirates of the Caribbean, we'd still pass it by in favor of the island.

There used to be an exhibit called "Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln". A Lincoln robot would get up from a chair and deliver an eloquent speech. One time I got loaded and stood up in the middle and asked him a question. This did not sit well with others in the house.

By the way, the original Lincoln robot used to have bizarre spasms in the middle of his speech. It was discovered that the show's power supply was fed by the same sub station that fed 600 volts to the Monorail. Whenever the Monorail, ran in these sections, there would be a power surge, causing old Abe to become Jerry Lewis.

Crashing into people on the Autopia. They weren't designed to be bumper cars per se but if my friend was in the car just ahead of me -- whiplash city!

The big thing was (and is) to get Mickey Mouse hats with your name personally embroidered on it. I once slipped a guy $5 and he agreed to write "Charles Manson". This was not a big hit with Magic Kingdom patrons either.

And finally, one year I got another set of Mouse ears and had them write "Vincent" on the hat. I then tore off one of the ears. Those that got the joke were hysterical. The other 90% of Disneyland guests either scoffed, were confused, or just ignored me to get in line for churros.

Michael Clayton

No spoiler alert necessary. I wish I were you and didn’t know how it ends.
MICHAEL CLAYTON is the best movie to open in fourth place this year. I’m sure it will do better after it wins a slew of Oscars.

But even with great reviews and George Clooney this Warner Brothers picture didn’t open. Jeff Robinov, the studio’s president of production recently announced that women can’t open movies and he would not greenlight any project starring a woman. So now I suppose he’ll expand that to include not greenlighting any project starring a man either.

Clooney meanwhile, gives the performance of his career. There’s something wrong when Dwayne Johnson can open a movie and George Clooney can’t.

MICHAEL CLAYTON is NETWORK meets THE VERDICT meets ERIN BROCKOVICH. For film students it’s a master class in story structure, character development, theme, and dialogue. If one USC film major is found in a theater seeing WHY DID I GET MARRIED? instead of this he should be thrown out of the department and banished to Pierce Junior College.

For all the accolades Aaron Sorkin receives, writer/director, Tony Gilroy may just be the next Paddy Chayevsky. As writer of the Bourne trilogy and now MICHAEL CLAYTON he is proving you can be great without constantly reminding everybody of it.

Every performance in this film is noteworthy. For my money Sidney Pollack is an even better actor than director (and I give him a bye for directing SABRINA). Tilda Swinton (great name) somehow manages to be both a villain and a sympathetic character (is there ANY British actor who isn’t great? I bet Benny Hill could have played Don Vito Corleone.), and Tom Wilkinson as Peter Finch is a shoo-in for an Academy Award (despite Thomas Hayden Church as the “Sandman” in SPIDERMAN 3).

Other notables include: Katherine Waterston as “Third Year”, Remy Auberjonois as “Fifth Year”, and Pun Bandhu as “Four Year”. I have no clue what those roles were but the really good ones make it look so easy you don’t even notice them.

So if you liked NETWORK, THE VERDICT, ERIN BROCKOVICH or any two of the three you should really enjoy MICHAEL CLAYTON. See it now before it becomes a TV series with Matt LeBlanc in the title role.

Misc-takes

Hollywood is blaming the introduction of the video game HALO 3 as the reason why HEARTBREAK KID tanked. It wasn’t that it was a terrible movie. It was that kids couldn’t pull themselves away from their Xbox for two hours. Other contributing factors to HK’s poor showing: Mercury in retrograde, global warming, pies half off at Marie Calendar’s, new Britney Spears crotch shots on the net, Halloween pumpkins going on sale, and Oktoberfest.

It appears we’re heading for a strike. The producers’ position of “Take what we give you which is nothing and like it you assholes” is not sitting well with the WGA membership. No one wants a strike but remember the producers in the past didn’t just “give” us decent fees, residuals, health and pension benefits, and protected credits. Darryl F. Zanuck had the best description of what the studios and networks really think of us. “Throw that writer off the lot until I need him again.”

Let’s hope cooler heads prevail.

I'm thrilled the Rockies won the NL pennant. Even more thrilled that they did it in four games. No more TBS coverage.

Another good reader question: “you once talked about some of the stupid things writers have to deal with, one being actors saying "but my character would never say that". If an actor has played the same character for years don't they have a feel for this?”

Absolutely – most of the time. And their input is invaluable. But some actors confuse themselves with the character or use that excuse to get out of saying something they think makes them look bad. Also, sometimes characters are based on the writers so it’s possible in those cases that the writer knows best. My favorite story on this topic: On HILL STREET BLUES, producer Steven Boccho was summoned to the set. Daniel J. Travanti said, “My character wouldn’t say that.” Steven looked at the script, pointed to the speech and said, “Yes he would. See? It’s right here.”

Finally saw PUSHING DAISIES. People seem to be split on this show – either love it or find it icky. I’m afraid I fall into the ick category. For me it tries waaaay too hard to be charming, and it didn’t help that I watched it right after seeing a Salvador Dali exhibit at the LA museum.

Jorja Fox has left CSI. The good news is the show will continue. Jorja is off to pursue other projects and dreams, which is another way of saying Lifetime movies in a year.

Comic Steve Landesberg had a great routine on how networks cancel shows. You get that call from CBS Berlin. Imagine Hitler calling saying, “It’s OVER!!” Any guesses as to which new series will get that Rhineland call first? KID NATION is a pretty good bet.

How many times does Tyler Perry have to have a number one movie opening before Hollywood takes him seriously? If only he had done HEARTBREAK KID.

The answer to the question SAMANTHA WHO? is Jenna Elfman. That's who Christine Applegate is trying to play. Pretty good job on the body language, still needs work on the funny voices.

Last week’s episode of MAD MEN was the best hour of television I’ve seen all year. I’m bummed that this week is the season finale. Please don’t be like the SOPRANOS and go away for two years. MAD MEN must be the only series in history where the cigarette budget is larger than the wardrobe budget.

Jay Leno doesn’t want to be forced out of the TONIGHT SHOW in 2009 for Conan O’Brien. Conan, I have just two words for you: Deborah Norville.

And finally…

October 16th is the day I celebrate Thanksgiving. It was on this date years ago that I reported to Army boot camp at Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri. And no matter what crap I’m going through on that date I always take a moment to give thanks that at least I’m not there. Except the year I had to rewrite MANNEQUIN 2.

You're on the air. Now what?

Got a good sitcom question from reader, Scott:

I think it was the 4th episode (of BACK TO YOU). If you caught the episode then perhaps you can explain some things... The guy who plays the investigative reporter wasn't in the show at all. The character is the one that cracks all the smart ass one liners (he's the maury amsterdam, murray slaughter, chandler bing). But the actor playing him was out sick/got another job/fired/quit.

There's another character, the weather reporter (Ayda Field, pictured: right) , who is a silly often oblivious, bimbo type. However, in this particular episode she kept saying witty smart ass one-liners. And it was sooo out of character. Should we as the audience just presume that the writers of the show didn't want to depart with their great lines and therefore handed them to another character, even if the lines didn't fit?

didn't you ever run into this situation personally?

I haven’t seen the episode but have it Tivoed so I will soon. I still have to get to PUSHING DAISIES (a lot of you really like it), the replay of game two of the American League Championship Series (don't tell me who won), and fast forwarding through four TELL ME YOU LOVE ME’s to watch the sex scenes. But your question speaks to a larger issue. New series need time to find their way. The good showrunners are the ones who understand and embrace this. They don’t pre-write ten episodes and just film them as is.

Instead, they really listen to the audience reaction, they continually analyze what’s working, what’s not, what’s missing, are the stories being told the best way, is the tone right? In general, how could they do this better? And as a result characters may begin to shift a little. I don’t know the thinking behind any of the BACK TO YOU midcourse corrections but the fact that the show is evolving already is a good thing. Watch your favorite comedy series. Usually the better episodes come late in the first season or even the second.

The Fonz was originally supposed to be a minor character in HAPPY DAYS. Frasier first appeared on CHEERS in season three. WILL & GRACE really became “Jack & Karen”.

If you watch the first five or six episodes of CHEERS you’ll see we were all over the map. We didn’t know whether the show should center on its central cast or a series of colorful characters that entered the bar (a la BARNEY MILLER). So there are episodes that went in both of those directions. The one thing that became clear early on was that Sam & Diane needed to be at the heart of every episode. Their relationship was the key. And eventually the series settled in. (And the nutty characters coming into the bar was ixnayed.)

Also on CHEERS when Rebecca was introduced her character was meant to be a stern, together martinet. But it just wasn’t clicking. We found though that when Rebecca got a little rattled Kirstie Alley was really funny. And so we not-so-slowly moved her in that direction to where her character became a mess. And suddenly we had something.

Part of the fun of watching new series is seeing how the writing staff experiments and shapes it. BACK TO YOU has top people at the helm. My guess is they’re only going to make the show better. And if they give the hot weather girl a lot more to do I won’t need to fast forward through TELL ME YOU LOVE ME.

No more Frank.TV ads!!

First off, got a second to take the world's shortest and easiest survey? In case I do another teleseminar I want to know the ideal time of day to schedule it. So let me know by clicking here. Thanks.

A few thoughts on October TV (and radio)...

Have you seen a breakout hit this year yet? I haven’t.

Lots of buzz about PUSHIN’ DAISIES until it aired. And now -- nothing.

TBS baseball playoff coverage is terrible. Those endless Frank.TV spots alone are enough to make you want to kill. Now I don’t feel bad plugging the Sitcom Room once a week.

Best post season coverage is on the radio. Jon Miller for play-by-play and Dave Campbell for color. If only they were together. Dave Shulman (the other ESPN radio play-by-play man) does a good job but Joe Morgan, oh my God! He is…you know…the worst…and really… you know… has not provided a… you know…that word that means saying something you don’t know…you know?

The unfortunate thing about those Frank.TV spots is that they’re turning people off to Frank Caliendo before many can even see him. He’s a gifted impressionist and here’s an example of what he can really do.



And finally...

For some REAL talent here is beauty contestant, Stacy dazzling the judges with her incredible musical gift.

the KINGDOM

What a surprise! THE KINGDOM tanked at the boxoffice. THE VALLEY OF ELAH did even worse.

Who greenlighted these projects? It seems to me when we’re in a war that most Americans disapprove of, why would we want to see movies about it?

The marketing department for THE KINGDOM must’ve got an inkling of that. Every other day they changed their campaign trying to reposition the movie.

First it was a political thriller. As current as today’s headlines. Twists and turns. A game of cat and mouse. Betrayals and subtitles. Lots of sand in the trailer.

Then it was a love story. Operation Desert Date Night.

And then finally, it’s a Jamie Foxx action flick. He runs. He jumps. He fires weapons. There are explosions. It just happens to be in Saudi Arabia but it could just as easily be Compton.

I imagine a fourth campaign, featuring supporting player Jeremy Piven was also in the works -- Ari Gold is called upon to settle the Middle East crisis.

The time for these movies is when we have some distance. And there are probably five more of these pictures in various stages of development and production (hopefully the Farrelly Brothers aren’t remaking LAWRENCE OF ARABIA with Dane Cook).

So it’s one thing for the country to be torn by this war and our standing in the world severely tarnished, but now it’s effecting Hollywood. Now it’s impacting weekend sales.

Enough is enough. It’s now time to end this war. Ideally before the kids are out of school for Christmas break.

5 things you don't know about me

A new meme going around asks: “what are five things people don’t know about you?”

1. When I worked at Wallichs Music City, an LA record store, in the 60’s I used to throw Neil Young out of the listening booths for smoking pot. Once every two weeks. If only he had shared!

2. Ann Jillian was my childhood friend (and still is).

3. As a teenager I was offered a job writing for LAUGH-IN. I declined in order to go to college. So I missed my chance to write comedy for Richard Nixon.

4. I’m an idiot savant trivia expert when it comes to Top 40 music of the 60’s. Titles, artists, even labels – I pretty much remember them all. Is it any wonder my sex life in high school was nil? Ask Ann Jillian.

5. And finally – O.J. Simpson was at my wedding. Now this requires explaining. He wasn’t invited. We got married in the outdoor patio of the Beverly Hills Hotel. O.J. had just finished playing a game of tennis, saw the ceremony going on and stood in the back and watched. He wasn’t there for the reception however. He was probably breaking into our room.

the blogger and Torture awards

Wow! It seems my site is up for three blogger’s choice awards. A win here could make up for losing out on the Heisman trophy. Thanks in advance to anyone who votes for me. I promise to get us out of the war. You can vote by clicking on one of the icons to the right. So far I have like 5 votes in one category and 1 vote in the others. I don't think that's enough to win.

Not all awards are prestigious and coveted like the blogger’s choice, however. There are now “Torture Awards”. Honest. No foolin’.

Human Rights First, a New York-based (See? It’s not always Hollywood) nonprofit organization has nominated five TV series for excellence in realistically portraying torture or interrogation. The nominees are…

LOST
THE CLOSER
BOSTON LEGAL
CRIMINAL MINDS
THE SHIELD

David Danzig, the director of Human Rights First’s Primetime Torture project said, “As incongruous as it may seem for a human rights group to honor the depiction of torture, these awards recognize that only a handful of TV shows have taken the time necessary to depict torture in a thoughtful, realistic fashion.”

As with any award competition, there are also worthy candidates who were unfairly slighted. In this case…

24
TIL’ DEATH
THE VIEW
THE TYRA BANKS SHOW
FOX baseball coverage with Tim McCarver
CARPOOLERS

Checking in on HOUSE

Why does anyone go to Dr. House? Don’t get me wrong. I love the show. But yikes!

Take last week’s episode, The Right Stuff. A young woman test pilot started seeing psychedelic images without the benefit of a Jimi Hendrix album. So she literally used her life savings -- $50,000 -- to have Dr. House cure her and this is what she got.

A group of 40 first year residents diagnosing her case. Actually, 39 young doctors and one imposter.

No nursing care since she wasn’t officially checked into the hospital.

A glass room so visitors could watch her fill a bedpan.

All tests performed by these newbe residents and imposter.

A mis diagnosis: Carbon Monoxide poisoning.

One test that went awry resulting in a heart attack.

Attempts to revive her causing her chest to catch on fire.

Another test resulting in a psychotic episode.

Medical students breaking into her house.

A second mis diagnosis: liver cancer.

Getting her drunk and almost causing the shut down of her liver.

She becomes unable to breathe.

A third misdiagnoses: lung cancer.

A lead doctor who thought he was imaging things.

A breast implant.

An illegal operation.

And never did anyone think that since it was her vision that was impaired that maybe they should give her an eye test.

HOUSE just seems to get more and more outrageous. Always entertaining but they seem to be reaching for stories now more than ever. As I was watching this episode, an exciting new plotline for the series came to me. I think it was during the paranoid psychotic episode. Dr. House becomes George Bush’s personal physician. Round up the green med students and the fire extinguisher!

More movies the Farrelly Brothers can destroy

I can’t tell you how thrilled I was that THE HEARTBREAK KID tanked at the boxoffice. Talk about a remake that never should have been remade. The original 1972 version starring Charles Grodin, written by Neil Simon, and directed by Elaine May was a comic masterpiece. But in the hands of the Farrelly Brothers, all nuance, social commentary, elegance, and ethnicity was thrown out in favor of their special brand of gross out, low road, scatter shot humor.

I can imagine the other remakes the Farrelly Brothers have in development.

GUNGA DIN – Ben Stiller stars as Gunga Din, no longer a regimental bhisti, now a retard. He blows the horn to alert the soldiers of danger but since his mouth is full of old socks (the audience should scream at that gag) he has to blow the horn out of his ass. A HUGE improvement over George Steven’s little B-movie.

CITIZEN KANE – Ben Stiller in a fat suit stars as Michael Jackson Cane, a newspaper tycoon who builds Hearst Castle for all the paper boys who deliver the morning edition. When Stiller farts in the pool it causes a tsunami. Destined to be the version film historians will remember.

THE MIRACLE WORKER – Ben Stiller as Helen Keller, who now must save her home when the sewer backs up filling it with three feet of excrement. HILARIOUS scene where she mistakes floating turds for various household items or food products. Academy Award time for sure!

ERIN BROCKOVICH -- Ben Stiller in drag stars as Erin. In taking only slight liberties with this true life story, Erin drinks the toxic water herself and grows a penis. And every time she gets mad it becomes erect. The courtroom scene where she pokes the court reporter’s eye out is pure comic gold.

And finally…

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN – Ben Stiller, on vacation at a beach at Normandy is in for a shock when the D-Day Invasion hits. His pratfalls over dead bodies, and ducking just in time for bullets to hit unsuspecting soldiers will cause such laugher you won’t hear his funny rant on French hospitality.

Rent the original HEARTBREAK KID. You’ll be glad you did.

To Sur, with love

Twice a year my wife has to go up to Berkeley for an academic conference so we took the opportunity to have a romantic night in Big Sur, visit our son in Silicon Valley (where he’s designing the new Apple iSomething), and have a leisurely weekend getting lost thanks to the Avis GPS system.

Rented my first Prius at the San Jose airport. For an extra $10 a day you can get one with Oregon plates so you’ll REALLY look like you’re going green. It would’ve been nice if Avis had included an owner’s manual. Questions I never solved: why did the little explanation point warning light go off? What does it mean? How do you get the car out of reverse?

Big Sur is absolutely breathtaking. And the drive to it on winding single-lane California Highway 1 offers spectacular views if you can just get by the traffic, gusty winds, septic tank trucks, construction, vertigo, panic attacks, drizzles, car sickness, and bikers.

You’ve seen Deer Crossing signs? There is a Pig Crossing sign on Highway 1.

Since the area is so stunningly gorgeous they take their New Age star gazing, crystals, plein aire painting, scented candles, and Yanni very seriously. Glad I opted for the Oregon plates.

Stayed at the Ventana Inn & Spa, which is my way of “roughing it”. A plasma TV and wireless internet is a must for this hearty outdoorsman. Sure the fireplace wood was pre-chopped, treated, and in a convenient burlap bag but I had to light it. Well…actually my wife lit it.

They have a clothing optional pool, which is wrong on so many levels. Let’s just say this is where the pig crossing sign should be.

Did not sign up for the mushroom hunting expedition, which reminds me, lots of old hippies still make Big Sur their cave. They can all show you Bobby Darin’s former trailer and where Jack Kerouac – all hopped-up on espresso – wrote his greatest novel (until it was explained to him that someone else had already written “Little Women”).

The drive back up to the Bay Area was equally treacherous/lovely.

Swung by storied Pebble Beach golf course in Monterey. I could almost hear the ghost of Bing Crosby saying to his caddy, “Hey, hand me a five iron, willya? Think I’ll beat Gary senseless with it.”

From the mean streets of Carmel comes this from their police blotter: “Parking complaint/violation of box delivery truck blocking in numerous cars in the Carmel Center parking lot. Driver found but had a disrespectful and cavalier response to complaining parties. His employer has been contacted/warned.” You’d think former mayor, Clint Eastwood would have cleaned up this shameful lawlessness!

There is a need for “stump removal specialists” in Carmel. Depending on how long the Writers Guild strike will be many of your favorite sitcom scribes may apply.

The Carmel Middle School was holding it’s 5th annual “Solar Tour & Sustainability Fair”. It’s as if Al Gore planned a Halloween Carnival.

Got out of there just before the moth spraying. Moths? Still??? What the hell did Mayor Clint DO for four years??

Drove past Santa Cruz. Lovely woodsy area. In California anytime you have a region with more than one hundred trees it is required by law that there be a Santa Claus Lane.

The Silicon Valley is now New Delhi with a P.F. Chang’s. Technology and the Indian culture just seem to go hand-in-hand. You see them everywhere, working at Apple and Applebe’s.

“A Broadway winner with Broadway talent”. That’s what a San Jose theater was boasting with its production of GUYS & DOLLS “starring original cast members of Broadway’s CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG”.

The NHL hockey season is about to begin and folks from San Jose were surprised and delighted to learn they have a team – the Sharks. Now beginning their 17th season.

There is not one Coffee Bean in the entire south bay. However, my son Matt says there is one in Shanghai.

Palo Alto was going nuts Saturday night after the Stanford football team, a 41 point underdog, upset mighty USC. Crazed rowdy students filled the bars on University Avenue yelling, “Imported lager and Irish Red ale for everyone!”

From the “Summer of Love”, San Francisco has moved into the “Fall of Maybe We Should Start Seeing Other People”.

KFRC has returned to an oldies format. But it is now the whitest radio station in America. Paul McCartney is considered ethnic.

When in Berkeley NEVER stay at the Doubletree Marina. There is a buoy in the bay that rings a bell every thirty seconds ALL NIGHT LONG. The homeless guys on Telegraph Avenue get a better night’s sleep than anyone staying at the Doubletree Marina.

Unfortunately, I was one week too late for the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco. The Folsom Street Fair is a celebration of leather culture and sexual fetishism (not to be confused with the Carmel Middle School “Solar Tour & Sustainability Fair”). There were the usual couples leading each other down the street with dog collars and leashes, public floggings, men in thong underwear playing Twister, women dressed as dirty martinis in teeny silver dresses shaped like martini glasses and bra cups decorated like green olives, and for the shoppers, stalls selling such must-have items as baseball caps reading “Master” or “Slave”, silk ropes for being tied up, and a book entitled “Dungeon Emergencies and Supplies”. “The Solar Fair” offered recycling tips.

It was a hectic but fun four days. And to answer your next question: 40.3 mpg. But I understand you get even better mileage if you’re in drive.

You can download my teleseminar... and other fun stuff

For those of you unable to participate in my Teleseminar last week, good news. I had it recorded and am making it available to download, free. To get this mp3 of my 75 minute chat about the state of TV comedy just click here and follow the easy instructions. Hopefully there's some helpful stuff in there you can use. Thanks.

A topic I didn't get into but one I discuss at length in my Sitcom Room seminar is room chemistry.

Here are some of the obvious annoying things staff writers do that drive me nuts. And every staff has them.

There’s “Captain Grammar” – he’s the guy who never contributes jokes or story fixes, just corrects grammar. And thinks he’s saving the show. If you can be replaced by a Microsoft Word tool you should not be on staff.

There’s the “PA Killer”. This guy terrorizes production assistants by sending them out for food sixteen times a day. And usually with specific requests. No eighteen year old blond Reese Witherspoon lookalike wants to go to Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles at 1 AM to pick up a snack.

Every staff has that one infuriating person who always wants to go back four pages. You’re now on page 24, he wants to return to page 19.

“Mr. Back in a second” is in and out of the room fifty times a day for phone calls. The entire state of Rhode Island doesn’t get as many calls in one day as this guy. And when he returns you have to spend five minutes getting him up to speed. If he is also the “Can we go back to Page 17?” guy you fire him after thirteen weeks even if he’s funnier than Mel Brooks and Larry Gelbart combined.

Of course there’s the person who never shuts the fuck up. Even if they pitch something good you don’t hear it because it’s lodged in the middle of a story about her friend who has Pink Eye and her upcoming trip to Japan.

Bi-polar people just seem to gravitate naturally to comedy writing rooms. The more depressed or angry the better.

Finally, there’s “Dr. No”, the guy who hates everything but never has any suggestions or alternatives. This person is either found dead in the parking lot or becomes the President of a network.

Fortunately, I have none of these bad traits, and I’m sure you don’t either. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a phone call.

My favorite screen couple

Keep your Bogey & Becall, Tracy & Hepburn, Affleck & Lopez. For sheer sexual chemistry, charm, and comic timing there has never been a better screen couple than Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell in HIS GIRL FRIDAY. If you've never seen this comic masterpiece you MUST check it out. In the meantime, here's a ten minute sample. Hold your breath.

Questions I didn't get to...

I wasn’t able to get to all the questions that were submitted to my Teleseminar last Tuesday. So I thought I’d cover some more of them now.

Q: If you have two polished feature spec scripts, is it wise to query an agent on both at the same time?

Me: Absolutely. The more you have to show that you’re really proud of, the better. Agents will always want more than one writing sample. They need to be confident that you’re prolific. When we were starting out I read a spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW that was dynamite. I asked the writer how long it took her to write it. She said five years. She’s never been heard from again.

Q: Do you need to move to LA to make it?

Me: It’s not impossible to make it from afar but it’s much harder. I’m sure Larry Gelbart could have sold a script from Sihanoukville. And if you want to write features it’s easier because you go off for a few months to write an assignment anyway. But if TV is your dish it’s very helpful to be in Los Angeles. This is where the shows, agents, contacts, and industry softball leagues are.

Q: How would a newbie sell a spec script?

Me: Try to get an agent of course. The WGA has a list of all agencies. Some will accept new submissions. Submit your script to all of them. If you have any contacts, use them. Let’s say your brother is in jail for robbing a producer at gunpoint. That producer is a contact. Also now, do some videos on Youtube. Anything to get noticed.

Q: Is it okay to have one of your writing samples be something you’ve co-written, if you’re trying to get hired as an individual?

Me: No. Sorry. Whatever is good in your script the reader will assume is the other guy’s.

Q: What are the three biggest mistakes people make when writing spec scripts?

Me: They attempt to get noticed by writing groundbreaking episodes that break the show’s format. Dream sequences, breaking the fourth wall, etc. I recall a WINGS spec I once read that was written from the point of view of a fly that buzzed around the airport. We did not give that person an assignment. We notified the authorities.

They don’t follow the show’s style sheet and there are spelling and grammatical errors.

They haven’t done their homework. They don’t know the show or the characters. I read a spec FRIENDS where Ross slept with Monica. I’m guessing, or at least hoping, that the writer didn’t realize they were brother and sister.

Open letter to the cast of THE OFFICE

A couple of quick things first:

I'm off to the Bay Area for the weekend. Daily posts will continue assuming there is internet access in Silicon Valley. I'm cautiously hopeful.

Due to technical difficulties, the Phil Spector rare tapes will be heard Thursday and Friday on Whodaguyradio.com. Hear it here (hopefully). As the great Real Don Steele used to say, "Electronics is just a theory".

Tomorrow: some questions and answers I didn't get to during the Teleseminar.

And now... an open letter to the cast of...

Congratulations. You are on a hit show. Your faces are on the cover of ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY (special collector's issue no less). People are quoting your lines. Everywhere you go people tell you they love you. You get invited to A-parties. Free flat screens. The first new Prius off the line. iPhones. You are currently “America’s Guests”.

But with sweeping success come a number of traps. You seem like a wonderful cast, lovely folks, and my guess is you know and intend to avoid most of this stuff already…but it never hurts to have a reminder. And I offer these selfishly. I love your show. I don’t want to see anything screw it up.

Enjoy every single minute of being on a hit series. Never take it for granted. Not for one second. Yet always remember: these people who love you? They love you in context. They love the character, not you. And to that end…

Do not quit the show to launch your bigtime movie career. You are not the next Will Ferrell despite what the CAA agent trying to poach you says. Jenna, do not fall for these standard agent statements. “I can get you in a room with Spielberg.” “I can get you in a room with Scorsese”, and their typical closer: “I can get you in a room with the Pope”.

Supporting cast members: do not quit the show to star in your own vehicle. You will forever be more popular in this supporting role than you will starring in your own cancelled-after-three-episodes series. The TV landscape is littered with JOEYS and BOB PATTERSONS and HELLO LARRYS.

Do not count lines. EVER. Do not complain that so-and-so has more to do than you. Be happy you’re there. Not to discount your talent but there by the grace of God you’re on THE OFFICE and not CAVEMAN.

Don’t hold up the studio or producers for gigantic raises. It’s disruptive and these days you could find yourself out on your ear. You could fill Madison Square Garden with former LAW & ORDER cast members. The show will go on without you...or even all of you.

If you do features during your hiatuses never treat THE OFFICE as just an imposition. ALWAYS put it first. It is the reason you have movies, it is the reason you're not working in a real office.

DON’T PHONE IT IN.

You’ve been given a huge gift. Appreciate it. Yeah, after awhile it might seem old hat still playing the same character week after week but it’s your job to make it seem fresh. And having to find a way to make your character interesting in episode 200 should be your biggest worry in life.

Just know this: the crew NEVER phones it in. The writers NEVER phone it in.

And speaking of writers – I know this is a gray area because some writers are also in the cast and there is some ad libbing – but never think you can write the show better than the writers. You may come up with a great line or bit but that’s very different from sitting down at your computer and staring at the tyranny of the blank screen. Show them respect. They don’t get the magazine covers and glory. James Lipton will never host INSIDE THE WRITERS STUDIO.

Be on time. Don’t make 100 people wait for you just because you can. Not every phone call has to be taken right now. And you can hold your water for two more minutes until the director gets the take. (Actors pee more than any human being on earth.) You may be saying, “We don’t do any of that,” and if so, great! But as the years go by this bad behavior may begin to creep in. Don’t let it. You can approve tile samples later.

Awards are evil. They destroy cast unity, they cause resentment, jealousy, and disharmony. Don’t hate your former best friend just because he/she won an Emmy and all you have is a shitty People’s Choice Award.

And finally: You will probably be identified the rest of your life with this show. Don’t shy away from that. Embrace it. I’m not saying you can’t go on to do many great things in exciting new directions but today, this minute, you’re on a Superbowl winning team. Wear the ring proudly. So very few ever get one.

Have another undefeated season!

Why week two is often weak two

For most new shows this is the toughest week of the year. Week two.

The phony network hype begins, already heralding the next big hit of the season based on only one airing. The same hype that gleefully proclaimed WHOOPI the smash of the season and COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF the breakout hit of 2005. This year they’re saying BIONIC WOMAN and PRIVATE PRACTICE but I don’t think even they believe it.

All this bogus hype just adds unrealistic pressure. And every showrunner knows, as tough as it is to do a good pilot, that’s nothing compared to episode two.

Generally, you have months to write and polish your pilot. You have a week to bang out episode two.

Drama pilots often have big budgets. And big name feature directors. For week two you get the guy who directed a few DEGRASSI HIGHS and instead of spectacular stunts worthy of James Bond movies you must settle for a car that can fishtail.

And good luck spotting movie star executive producers like Hugh Jackman and Salma Hayek in anything but the pilot. They’d lose their invitations to Jeff Katzenberg’s picnic if they appeared in “episodic” television beyond the premiere.

A lot of pilots are “premise pilots” – they show the major events that set the series in motion. But what are they gonna do week two? Have another plane crash on LOST? Jaime Sommers has another accident and winds up with Bionic genitals? Darren finds out Samantha is also Jewish?

For a while networks were demanding we don’t do premise pilots. So in essence, we were writing a second show AS a pilot which combines the hardest aspects of both assignments. And then our second episode had to be essentially ANOTHER second episode.

People watch the second episode with different expectations. Some saw and loved the pilot and expect the follow-up to be just as good (despite the limitations). Others saw the pilot, are still on the fence but are willing to give the show another try. You have this one last chance to win them over. Gulp! And most people who tune in didn’t see the pilot. You have to get them caught up while not boring the viewers who don’t need a recap. It’s a tough line to straddle.

Obviously some shows can do the “Previously on…” prelude, but that usually works best on serialized programs. And still on those shows, with big casts, you’re spending half the episode trying to figure out who the hell all these people are and why the main character is named Jack in every series.

Bottom line: Second shows are a bitch so give ‘em a little slack this week. And Fox fall shows have it even worse. Because of the baseball playoffs their new entries disappear after a couple airings. So when they return they need to present yet another pilot episode. If Jaime Sommers were on Fox she would have her third car accident, new bionic breasts and eyebrows, and she would likely lose her driver’s license and certainly her auto insurance. Such are the problems facing today’s TV showrunners.

Teleseminar

Thanks to all of you who participated in the teleseminar. I hope my answers were as good as your questions.

Happy for any feedback in the comments section.

For everyone else, please continue down to the actual (hopefully) entertaining post.

Thanks.

Ken

A Royal mistake

The baseball playoffs begin Wednesday. Although it will probably be impossible to top the Rockies' win over the Padres to claim the NL Wild Card. Wow. Congratulations to all eight teams that made it (although, God, I’m so sick of the Yankees) and my deepest condolences to Mets fans. Maybe the worst collapse since AfterMASH premiered with a 49 share and ended with a 19 share (back in the days when there was just three networks and no cable). How I ever got work after that I can't imagine.

I know a lot of my readers could care less about baseball, especially those in Djibouti and Miami, but in honor of the playoffs I thought I’d share a humorous baseball story I bet you’ve never heard.

Rush Limbaugh once worked for the Kansas City Royals. When he wasn’t trying to convince Bombo Rivera and Onix Concepcion that they should register Republican, he was in the front office – “Promotions Director on loan from God” might’ve been his title. Anyway, among his responsibilities was organizing the daily first-pitch ceremony.

One night he escorted a whole group of church children onto the field. It wasn’t until he got them settled on the mound that he realized he had forgotten a ball. So he called into the Royals dugout asking if anyone had a spare baseball.

Big mistake.

From out of the dugout came hundreds of balls. Players emptied the batting practice bucket. It was like a hail storm. The excited kids all broke ranks and scurried after the rolling souvenirs. The result was absolute pandemonium. The game was delayed fifteen minutes. Ushers and the grounds crew scrambled desperately, trying to wrangle the frenzied youngsters and baseballs.

The incident caused quite a stir and to my knowledge, Rush Limbaugh was never heard from again. So take heed Mets fans (and now Padres fans) – baseball can be a cruel cruel sport.

Phil Spector testifies...sort of

Phil Spector (who just keeps getting better looking with age) made rare recordings that will be heard for the first time.

This very cool event will happen Tuesday on Whodaguyhawaii internet Radio. In 1969 KHJ radio produced the monumental 48 hour HISTORY OF ROCK N’ ROLL. One of the features was an interview segment with then-recluse now-mistrial-defendant, Phil Spector. They did a neat thing called a “blindfold test”. Certain records were played for Phil and he shared his initial reactions to them. Snippets of this feature were featured on the HRR but not all of it (there was that 48 hour time crunch after all).

But the full confession…I mean, recordings of these Spector tapes were recently discovered and tomorrow Ron Jacobs (who IS da guy of whodaguyhawaii) will play them. It’s the first time they will ever be heard in their entirety.

For rock enthusiasts, music fans, and forensic experts everywhere this should be a must.

Again, that’s Whodaguyhawaii Radio. Mahalo.

Phil Spector: “to know him is to prosecute him”.

For the record: There were many versions of the HISTORY OF ROCK N' ROLL that came AFTER the KHJ version. The KHJ version was the original. The credits are as follows, and these dedicated people are the ONLY ones who deserve the credit for the HRR.

CREDITS:

Producer/Director: Ron Jacobs: Writer: Pete Johnson, Narrator: Robert W. Morgan; Recording Engineer: Bill Mouzis:
Re-mastered 2007 by D'Agostin Productions, Pasadena.