The barbershop where everyone knows your name

Friday questions day. You can’t start a weekend without them.

Eric L has two things he wants to know:

Weird question I've always wondered- where exactly did those paintings from the opening credits of CHEERS come from?

The opening credits were created by Castle-Bryant. They found old pictures of folks in bars and built that montage. I understand though one or two photos are actually people in a barbershop.

And secondly…

After CHEERS ended was there ever any thought given to spinning off another character besides Frasier? In retrospect Frasier was obviously the perfect choice and besides Rebecca was probably the only character who could have had a life outside of the bar environment, but when the time came to discuss a spin off of CHEERS were there any other options?

Yes. NBC wanted to spin-off Norm & Cliff. They must have approached us five times about writing it. We always passed. One AfterMASH a career is enough. There was also some discussion of spinning-off Carla but that went nowhere. Remember, there was another spin-off of CHEERS (besides FRASIER) – THE TORTELLIS. Carla’s creepy ex-husband Nick (played to slimeball perfection by Dan Hedeya) and his new wife Loretta (the delightfully daft Jean Kasem) move to Las Vegas with one or two of her kids. It lasted maybe thirteen weeks. The Charles Brothers (who were just consulting it) asked David and I to write one as a favor. We met with them all day trying to come up with a story and couldn’t do it. Finally, I said, “What episode is this we’re trying to break?” The answer was five. I said, “Five? Jesus. If stories are that hard to break by episode five you are in shit shape with this show!” They were.

Remember kids when creating a pilot: It’s not just about the funny characters and setting. Make your show ABOUT SOMETHING.

Allen Burns (not to be confused with Allan Burns who co-created THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW) asks:

Some older shows (I think Cheers was one) feature a voiceover of a lead actor saying "[Name of show] was filmed before a live studio audience." All in the Family had a kind of pretentious one with Carroll O’Conner saying something to the effect it was "played before a studio audience for live responses". Was this just to say "Hey, we aren't using a laugh track!" (Pretty obvious in shows with teen stars where actors have to wait for entrance applause and squealing to die down. And the ever annoyng "Awwww!" and "Ooohhhhhh" that greeted any emotional dialogue.

Yes, CHEERS employed that disclaimer after the first few episodes because we were getting complaints about the laugh track when in fact the laughs were real.

I agree there is nothing more insipid than audiences “Awwwwing” at those awful treacley moments in bad sitcoms. First of all, the moments are rarely earned and the audiences sounds like the biggest simps on the planet. Webster cleaned his room like his mommy asked. Awwwwwwwwwwwww.

On CHEERS and any other show I worked on, those cringeworthy reactions were lifted from the soundtrack.

Same with applauding when actors entered scenes. It obliterates any reality and is there anything more artificial and unbelievable than people wildly cheering Fran Drescher?

The other audience we would lose from the soundtrack is any talking back to the actors during the scene. One night on CHEERS we had a particularly rowdy and vociferous bunch. Diane headed for Sam’s office and they yelled, “DON’T GO THROUGH THAT DOOR, GIRL!!” And my favorite: Diane standing up to Sam and someone screaming, “YOU TELL HIM, BITCH!!!!” Needless to say, that threw off Shelley Long’s timing just a wee bit.

Leave your questions in the comments section. Thanks.

Your favorite sitcoms

Here are a few folks you guys sure seem to like.
Keep weighing in with your favorite sitcom. Some very interesting answers. And some surprises. Since not everyone reads this blog daily (I know. It's hard to believe), I'll wait a few more days before posting my reaction.

What's your favorite sitcom?

Okay, this is one of those fun survey things I like to do from time to time. On our SitcomRoom Twitter we asked the question “What’s your favorite all-time sitcom?” Got a wide range of answers. Some very unexpected. So now I thought I’d open it up and ask all of you guys.

I’ll be interested to see if most of your favorites are recent, vintage, multi or single camera.

One rule: Do not feel compelled (not that you would) to name shows I’ve worked on. You don’t get extra credit for listing JOE & SONS.

I imagine we’ll have some foreign sitcoms listed too. That’s great. Some will be from shows I’ve never heard of and I will make a concerted effort to find and watch them. I did that a couple of years ago when someone recommended the British version of COUPLING and it is now in my top 5.

For us Americans, I’m sure there are some undiscovered gems out there. And for people in Europe, if you’ve never seen MAMA’S FAMILY are you in for a treat!

I might have told you mine already but I will again. THE HONEYMOONERS. In a later post I’ll explain why.

But what’s YOUR favorite sitcom?

Exotic women

Here's more of my "growing up in the 60s" life.

The Fall of 1964 was somewhat of a blur. A few girls returned to school with new noses, having cashed in their bat mitzvah Israeli saving bonds.

I reluctantly accepted an invitation to Parkman’s honor society, “the Vanguards” thereby cementing my status as the un-hippest kid in school.

Two American destroyers engaged three North Vietnamese torpedo boats in the Gulf of Tonkin. There was a question about it on our weekly quiz. I got it wrong. It didn’t seem important at the time. All it really was was just the start of the Viet Nam War.

I was marking time. Only one more semester until high school and full adulthood.

My taste in women was beginning to change I noticed. I developed a preference for the more exotic type. My crush du jour was Jackie Sharp – the perfect blend of Marcia Brady and a biker chick. Alas, she had a boyfriend… who was in high school! That was the infuriating trend. All the foxy seniors (foxy was the big word back then so I used it to death) in junior high went out with high schoolers and all the foxy seniors in high school only dated college guys.

It’s like you could never date a girl in your own grade. Women always seemed to go for the older guys. They went out with high school boys because they had cars, and then in later years they went out with guys as old as their fathers because they bought them cars.

More good news for sitcoms...

Hour serialized dramas are tanking this year. ABC’s Wednesday night-line up has plunged 44%. HEROES is now viewers’ Kryptonite. And HEROES has gone all out this year. Mohinder Suresh has been given a new superpower – he looks good with his shirt off.

The networks of course blame the Writers Strike. (They'd blame us for the stock market crash too if they could.)

It can’t be that some of these series have taken bad creative directions. It can’t be that there is now a glut of them. Or that some of their storylines are so confusing and Byzantine that quantum physics professors would be lost.

What the Writers’ Strike did do, however, was make America realize it didn’t miss these shows when they weren’t on. Life can go on without the spin-off of GREY’S ANATOMY.

(One exception: I can't wait for the new season of LOST.)

Meanwhile, sitcoms are gaining in the ratings. The CBS Monday night line-up (despite not having hot looking actors and show titles with words like SEXY and DIRTY) is doing just fine thank you. HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER is up 14%. Tina Fey should ride the Sarah Palin horse to the winner’s circle when 30 ROCK premieres later this month.

If you went into ABC today with THE SOPRANOS they wouldn’t buy it. And that comedy you pitched them two years ago – bring it back in.

Sitcoms are only a half hour investment. You can miss a couple of weeks without getting hopelessly lost. You don’t need to buy the first three seasons on DVD and watch seventy hours in one sitting to get up to speed. And laughter is the only commodity Wall Street can’t devalue.

So that’s the good news. Now the hard part. The new sitcoms have to be good. Fresh. Original. About something. Featuring characters you care about. And actually funny.

But hurry! There's probably another blogger out there somewhere with a post entitled: "More good news for reality shows..."

why multi-camera shows are no longer in favor

One reason I contend multi-camera shows are out of fashion is because the joke rhythms are tired and stale. For a long time they worked, and the jokes themselves may be funny but audiences have grown weary of their predictable form. Here are some examples.

The “No…(blank)” joke.

COACH: They call me Red.

CUSTOMER: Oh, cause you used to have red hair?

COACH: No, cause I once read a book.

The problem is you’re asking the customer to set up the joke by saying something she probably wouldn’t say. Straight man seeks clarification by asking the seemingly obvious only to learn it’s something else. Plus, it usually makes the set up person seem incredibly dumb.

The “Lenny & Squiggy”:

Named for those two characters because of how they entered every scene.

LAVERNE: Who would be stupid enough to drink sewer water?

LENNY & SQUIGGY ENTER.

LENNY/SQUIGGY: Hello!!

An alternate version of this is the “Flip scene”.

MOLLY: I wouldn’t sleep with you Fred if you were the last man on earth!

CUT TO: MOLLY IN BED WITH FRED.

The trouble here is you can see the joke coming from nine miles away. A third version of this is the “Stan Daniels Turn”, named after one of the funniest comedy writers ever, who used this form to perfection. Character rattles off a list and does a 180.

LOU: She’s brash, she’s obnoxious, she’s rude… I’m in love.

Again, thirty years ago this was a fresh form. But now you’re waiting for that turn.

Stock comic characters are also tiresome. The wise-ass precocious teenager you just want to smack into next Tuesday, the “sassy” housekeeper, the befuddled foreigner (complete with fractured English), the wacky neighbor, and the oversexed oldster (“Once you’ve had an octogenarian, honey, you can never go back. Hoooo hooo!)

Punch line catch phrases can send you scrambling for the remote as well. “I’m too stupid to live!” “Oh, did I say that out loud?” I’m sure you can find ten others – just by watching TVLand tonight.

And my main pet peeve: characters not acting the way real people act. The “No…(blank)” is one offender. Here are more:

Ever notice how in traditional sitcoms no one ever leaves a room without a joke? And if people insulted each other right to their faces like they do in sitcoms half the population would be walking around with black eyes.

Which brings me to my final point – one character saying something completely inappropriate and the other character conveniently ignoring it. Here’s an example. I like BIG BANG THEORY. There are always some good laughs. But they did something in the pilot that drives me crazy.

The show opens with the two genius nerds at a sperm bank. They return home to find a smoking hot girl has just moved in across the hall. Smitten, they clumsily engage her in conversation. So far so good. Lots of funny lines. They invite her to lunch. She accepts (why, I don’t know but that’s another story). As they’re crossing the hall she mentions that she’s had a rough day unpacking, then asks what they did that day, and one says, “We masturbated into a cup for money”. She just nods and follows them into their apartment. Huh??? What??? She wouldn’t be horrified? Or shocked? Or completely puzzled? She just accepts this as if he had said, “Oh, we went to Starbucks for coffee”? And she still enters these weird guys’ apartment? Ten minutes later she uses their shower and enters the room wearing only a towel. I’m guessing most women on the planet would not do that if placed in the same situation.

BIG BANG THEORY can get away with it (sorta) because the jokes are generally very sharp. But heap unreality with bad, forced humor and you have a comic form best put on display at the Museum of Natural History.

And here’s the thing: multi-camera shows don’t have to be formulaic. SEINFELD wasn’t. RAYMOND wasn’t. COSBY (in its early years) wasn’t. All it takes is good writing, fresh ideas, and a desire to take the art form further. Otherwise the form may die, it may indeed be too stupid to live.

Subliminal messages

Subliminal messages in ads are illegal. Flashing images so fast that only your subconscious can detect them. It's an insidious process. Here are a couple of examples.

This is an ad for KFC.



And from those "fair and balanced" news guardians at Fox:



I shall leave you with this -- from the actual LITTLE MERMAID poster. If you have the DVD check it out yourself. Or just click on the picture to enlarge it. Oh Ariel!

In defense of multi-camera shows

Practically every great sitcom for the last 60 years has used some version of the multi-camera format. Yes, there are exceptions like MASH and WESTWARD HA! But for the most part, series that we all (younger, desirable viewers included) watch and relish are all multi-camera.

Networks claim we’re tired of the form. We’re tired of bad lazy writing. We’re tired of old predictable rhythms. But we’re sure not tired of…

I LOVE LUCY
THE HONEYMOONERS
THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW
THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW
ALL IN THE FAMILY
MAUDE
THE ODD COUPLE
THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW
THE BOB NEWHART SHOW
NEWHART
COSBY
CHEERS
TAXI
FRASIER
FRIENDS
SEINFELD
EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND
GOLDEN GIRLS
MURPHY BROWN
BARNEY MILLER
HAPPY DAYS
LAVERNE & SHIRLEY
SANFORD & SON

And three or four of your favorites I forgot to mention.

Don’t blame the four messengers.

I didn't write that but thank you

It’s Friday question time!

rob! went to the comment section and asked:

How do you handle it when someone compliments you on a line from a particular episode from a particular show that you didn't happen to write? Has that ever happened to you?

It’s happened quite often. I always thank them and say a lot of people contributed to the writing of that script. Which is usually accurate.

I’ve written with a partner for my entire career. Often someone will say to me, “I saw your show last night and that joke about (whatever), that was yours, wasn’t it? It was so you. It had to be your joke.” Invariably they’re wrong. It was David’s joke.

Or they’ll say, “Y’know that joke about not being able to get it up? That had to be your joke. It had you written all over it.” What? You think I’m impotent?

Most of the time I will tell people that I don’t remember who wrote what joke. And that’s not being coy, it’s the truth. David and I volley jokes back and forth. One of us will pitch something, the other will say, “Okay, but what if we changed this word?” Before you know it the line changes five times until we arrive at the final version. And both of our fingerprints are on it.

When you’re on staff you learn to check your ego at the door. The best joke you write all year might be for someone else’s script. And likewise, one or two gems may come your way.

On year three of CHEERS to hide Shelley Long’s pregnancy they created a story arc whereby she and Frasier go to Europe. All of the scenes were filmed at once and shown the end of the season when Shelley was showing. So I’m watching an episode on the air one night and this scene appears. Diane and Frasier are shown into a hotel room and Frasier overtips the bellboy. I thought, wow, this sounds so familiar. Is this a re-run? No, because I haven’t seen the rest of the show. And then it hits me – David and I wrote that scene. It got lifted from our episode for time and was inserted into someone else’s show.

Lots of sitcoms today are room written (“gang banged” as the delightful expression goes) and writing credits are just arbitrarily assigned. So you may be complimented on a script you didn’t even know you supposedly wrote.

So the bottom line is to be gracious, just thank the person for the compliment, and in my case remind them I’m not impotent.

How to win the presidential debate

CNN’s live coverage of Tuesday’s presidential debate featured a graph at the bottom of the screen showing the continuous reaction of focus group respondents. The candidates would speak and two lines (one for men and the other women) would inch up or down depending on whether these dial twirling lab rats liked or didn’t like what was being said (assuming they understood what was being said, not an automatic assumption).

Obama and McCain were being subjected to the same scrutiny given to the pilot of TIL DEATH.

As the creator and producer of a number of TV pilots I am all-too familiar with this highly accurate method of determining something’s worth. I have been on the other side of the one-way glass while forty nimrods who looked like they just fell out of a Coen Brothers movie twisted their little spinners while judging my creative baby. On the monitor above my head was the show with the running graphs. That joke suffered a 3% dip and women appreciated that line 7.3% more than men. Art reduced to a spreadsheet.

Producers learn to manipulate the system of course and construct their pilots specifically to win focus groups’ favor. Writing a sharper joke is not nearly as important as getting that waitress to wear a Wonder Bra.

So for the next and last debate I offer the candidates a couple of suggestions for improving your test scores.

Cartwheels are huge. Focus groups love ‘em! You could be proposing a 50% tax hike and if it’s in the midst of a nifty acrobatic move your graph will shoot through the roof. Governor Palin, in a dress, especially missed a bet here.

Crossing your eyes is a sure-fire crowd pleaser. Saying the word “hooters” will elevate any statement on Iran’s disturbing threat to world peace.

Take a moment in laying out your solution to the Social Security crisis to introduce the audience to your new puppy.

Get choked up. Doesn’t matter of over what. But personal triumph over adversity tends to score higher than Urkel not being honored by the Kennedy Center. And if you don’t have a personal triumph just lift something from PROFILES IN COURAGE. It’s been almost fifty years. No one remembers that book. Look for at least one “Awwwwwwwww” moment.

Shoes matter. The road to the White House goes through Leffot in Manhattan.

Try singing one of your answers. Bad news always goes down easier when delivered by a karaoke Sinatra.

Your opponent says something you take great issue with? Just do a spit-take. You think anyone is going to listen to a “rebuttal”?

Finally and most important, in your closing remarks, make sure you say that this great nation was built by good strong Americans like you; concerned hard-working people who love this country and rate things.

Thank me at the Inaugural.

The Hills

Heidi is such an idiot! I mean, can’t she see that Spencer is a giant asshole? I really feel bad for her… even though she reminds me of a beautiful girl who looked just like her and wouldn’t give me the time of day because I wasn’t a Calvin Klein model, the bitch! But I’m sure Heidi’s not like that. Were she ever to accidentally come in contact with someone who wasn’t smoking hot I bet she’d say “Excuse me” as she blew by them as fast as possible.

As for her sister, Holly (and I know Holly is her sister because every time they show her they flash the graphic: Heidi’s sister. Do the producers think we viewers are so stupid we can’t remember that from shot to shot? Or we confuse the characters with the restaurant and club names? Nahhh, can’t be.) Holly obviously lives with the incredible burden that her sister is a 10 and she’s only a 9 1/2. But she still cares about Heidi. It was evident last week when she called their mom (graphic: Heidi & Holly’s mom although MILF would have sufficed) to tell her that Heidi was now living with Spencer. That’s when the fireworks really began. Heidi’s MILF had separate lunch dates with Spencer and Heidi in chic outdoor cafes to share her concerns. And let me tell you, Edward Albee only DREAMED of writing crackling dialogue like this: MILF: “Why do you think you need to live with her so soon in your relationship?” Spencer: “Because… why not?” Look out! Sparks flying!

But my heart truly goes out to Lauren these days. I put aside the fact that she looks just like the girl who laughed in my face when I had the audacity to ask her out – and I feel her pain. Her “friend” Stephanie went out with her former boyfriend, the gorgeous and reprehensible Doug. And she learned it wasn’t just dinner. It was coffee too! How Lauren has the strength to get up in the morning and shop at overpriced Melrose Ave. botiques with that hanging over her head is beyond me.

It all came to a head at Doug & Brody’s BBQ for Tommy Hilfinger models. Like all twentysomethings in LA trying to launch careers, they live in a house in the hills with a view of the entire city. You want to hate them but then you realize, hey, there’s no room to build a tennis court. And just because these guys would burn this house down to the ground before inviting me to a pool party like this, I still really care about their plight. How can you not? They can’t fuck all these girls at once. There are logistics, lies to keep straight – heavy is the dickhead that wears the crown.

I want to say to Lauren, Audrina, Holly, Heidi, Romy, Michele, Whitney, Stephanie, and Lo – these guys will break your hearts and mail them to your MILFs. At least this week when Doug said to Lauren, “You’re like my ex-fling” she had the good sense to leave. You want to loathe him but then he says, “I don’t feel like I said anything wrong here” and you realize, “Oh my God, he’s not just hateful, the poor thing is also retarded.”

Friendships are severely tested on THE HILLS. The evil Spencer (who’s Jay Mohr if he were better looking) has broken up Heidi and Lauren and now he’s threatening Heidi and Holly’s (graphic: Heidi’s sister) relationship. But out of such turmoil comes revelations. Lauren and Audrina are sitting out at the pool (as do all struggling young people in the middle of the afternoon) and Audrina is musing on how Lauren and Heidi (graphic: Holly’s sister) were such good friends before Spencer came along and then Lauren delivers this bombshell: “One person can like change everything.” Audrina was rocked by this epiphany and I don’t mind sayin', I was too. Who knew??

In this recent episode Doug successfully drove a wedge between Lauren and Stephanie. Lauren says to a tearful Steph – and I bet these words haunt me for a good long time. “You’re no longer my friend. Let me get you a tissue.”

Now you may say, “Oh Levine’s just a cynical old guy. He doesn’t get it. He calls girls by their names and not ‘dude’.” But I really am entertained by THE HILLS. It’s also the first show I’ve ever seen sponsored by Tampex and Victoria Secrets.

Lloyd Thaxton

Lloyd Thaxton just passed away. He was 81. He was a dear friend. I know some of this is taken from a recent post but I wanted to expand on it and give you a better picture of this extraordinary man and creative visionary.

For every teenager growing up in Los Angeles in the 60s, THE LLOYD THAXTON SHOW was appointment television. Each afternoon from 5-6 Lloyd Thaxton hosted a live dance party show on KCOP, channel 13. If his budget was more than $4.95 a show I’d be shocked.

His set consisted of four panels (probably cardboard) with musical notes drawn on them. Kids from local high schools were invited to dance on a soundstage the size of an elevator. He won his time slot daily, trouncing the competing news broadcasts.

What made the show special was Lloyd Thaxton. Most shows like this were hosted by disc jockeys. They were content to just introduce the records and step aside while the kids did the Twist, Jerk, Fly, Popeye, Monkey, Frug, Mash Potato, Locomotion, and whatever other inane dance was the rage that minute. Lloyd was the first to realize “this was TELEVISION”, you had to do something VISUAL. So he would find ways to comically present the songs, even with his paltry budget. This elf-looking redhead would lip sync, mime playing instruments, use finger puppets, don wigs, do duets with rubber masks, cut out the lips on an album cover and substitute his own – anything to make the songs fun. In many ways, Lloyd Thaxton was a local version of Ernie Kovacs, finding innovative new ways to use the new medium. For the most part he invented music videos. The only difference is music videos these days are all ambitious elaborate productions. Back then we were quite content to watch a guy sing into his hand.

Lloyd began syndicating his show and (with an inflated budget of $5.25) became a national sensation.

He also broke the color barrier. When he had James Brown as his guest a number of affiliates refused to air the segment. Lloyd promptly dropped them from his roster. Motown and R&B acts were guests frequently. Only then did other shows follow.

In later years Lloyd went behind the camera, producing such long running series as FIGHT BACK WITH DAVID HOROWITZ and segments for THE TODAY SHOW.

There is a “Best of the Lloyd Thaxton Show” DVD. It’s 90 minutes of inspired television. But it hasn’t been released because they’ve yet to secure clearances from all the artists, many of whom owe their careers to Lloyd and the exposure his show gave them. The last several years Lloyd also kept a blog where he shared many memories and photos.

His signature sign off was “My name is Lloyd Thaxton” followed by the kids shouting “So what?!” But we knew better. Lloyd Thaxton was a big part of our lives. We thank him and will fondly remember him always. That’s what.

Sitcoms are not dead

Wow! Yesterday’s post elicited quite a reaction. Even more than my big announcement that I’m on Twitter (you can still sign up, by the way). Some found it overly depressing (I like to think I can depress you but not “overly”), a number of working writers found it hilarious (but not “overly” damn it), and others it made angry.

There’s the big question that’s been floating in the air. The one no one wants to ask because they’re afraid of the answer. Yesterday’s post prompted that question.

IS THE SITCOM DEAD?

If you can’t make shows like CHEERS today then what’s the point?

The point is sitcoms are still on the air and attracting sizable audiences and yes, CHEERS might not be in vogue today but that doesn’t mean in five years that form won’t be the rage. It’s a pendulum. Always has been. A few years ago you could never have sold FRIENDS. Networks insisted you have at least one older authority figure. Once FRIENDS became a huge hit the networks proclaimed, “Send in the clones!”

Oh, and I should mention -- they’re wrong. A CHEERS-type show should be on today. When the young people the networks are desperately chasing are watching CHEERS reruns and not DO NOT DISTURB I think that’s sending a message.

Sitcoms will survive. In success they make the most money. HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER just landed a big syndication deal. Reality shows may get the better ratings but they have no shelf life. Don’t expect to see reruns of AMERICAN IDOL on WGN, even with Sanjaya.

And I think we’re just one big hit away from a renaissance.

The good news is there are more places to sell your sitcoms. ENTOURAGE is a show that the networks would never buy. Way too inside show business. CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM – the lead is too old, too ugly, too unlikable. WEED – mom sells marijuana? Not if you had Reba MacInytre.

I also think the sitcom form will splinter and evolve, shaking off some of its standard conventions. Laugh tracks are no longer required. The line between single and multiple camera shows have blurred. There are hybrids of film and tape. Short order series. Relaxed length restrictions. Is MONK a comedy or a drama? What about PSYCH? Or BEVERLY HILLS 90210 (Oh wait, that’s not supposed to be a comedy)? A lot of FRASIER writers are now producing DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

And with all of that, I guarantee networks will also return to the traditional form. They’re already starting to. The ones that are currently on are doing well. And visions of the next FRIENDS is always in their heads.

More important than whether ensemble or star driven, one or four cameras, thirty or sixty minutes, network or cable or internet or direct-to-phones is the quality of the writing. If you’re a good writer there will be room for you. It might not be CHEERS. But who knows? In a couple of years it might be. Or it might be better.

One last note: In the early 60s the Beatles were rejected by Decca Records with the explanation: “Guitar groups are on the way out.”

Why CHEERS wouldn't sell today

I was going to do this as a Friday question. But it seemed more like a Monday answer. Arjewtino asked:

Of all the shows you worked on, which ones do you think would have had drastically different fates if they were aired today?

CHEERS would never sell today. I can just see the pitch meeting. The network executive would politely listen with a plastered pained smile. When the pitch was over and you couldn’t wait to bolt from her office, either by the door or window, you ask if she has any questions. And unfortunately, she does.

Um… yeah. First of all, it’s wonderful and we all love it. Really. Amazing. You guys are great. But, uh, a bar in Boston where people just hang out? What am I missing?… Huh? That’s it? That’s all of it? … No, it’s great. Really. But doesn’t it seem a little, I dunno, low concept? Have you seen THE WORST WEEK? Now that’s a concept that can go for ten years. Yours? I dunno. It’s hard to picture an audience just listening to people talk for a half hour…. Sure, they’re interesting people – you guys are awesome writers – but I think we’d be more comfortable if someone wore a diaper or had to eat dog food.

I think there’s also some concern that there is no real star part. Ensemble pieces are great as long as they are centered around a star.

And is there any way you could skew your show a little younger? It’s kind of sad to think of a romance between people in their 30s. Isn’t that sort of… ick? We’re not looking to do ON GOLDEN POND: THE SERIES. I still think it works that Sam is a retired ballplayer and recovered alcoholic at 22. Am I wrong? My staff agrees.

Oh, hey, a lightbulb just went off. Oh yes. This totally works. I’m a little bumped by the tone. It seems a little edgy-lite. Now I love the Carol character… Carla, right. Sorry. Again, we can make her in her 20s. She could have had her kids young. In fact that’s better. But what about this? As a way to sort of tie in these bar people and give them something besides just talk-talk-talk, what about if she has four kids and each kid was from a different customer? … Okay, well, just think about it.

I loved that theme song you played but we don’t do theme songs anymore. Or opening titles. But if we did, that’s the kind we’d want. So good goin’. You were right on the money there.

I know Standards & Practices will have some issues. We can have a bar but we can’t really have people drinking. You wouldn’t believe the watchdog groups that come out of the woodwork. Does it change things too much if Sam runs a juice bar? Oooh, oooh, another brainstorm: instead of a bar, what if Sam runs a Jamba Juice? Ohmygod, my staff is in stitches!

So anyway, those are our thoughts. What do ya think? Again, not that the idea you brought in isn’t a total home run but if that’s what you want to do I’m afraid we’re going to have to pass.

So thanks again for coming in. It was really great to see you guys again. We’ll be in touch. And again, if you have any idea, please bring it here first.

I'm sorry, he's in a meeting... forever.

I’m sure agents long for the good old days. Those halcyon days before cellphones and email. Back when it was easy to duck calls from their writer clients and avoid them entirely. They had the drill down pat.

You, the writer/client would call. Step one: the assistant says he’s in a meeting and will call you back. Step two: He calls back at 1 PM, knowing you’re at lunch. Step three: You call back after lunch, and what do you know? He’s out of the office. But he’ll call you back. Step four: The assistant calls you back at 6 to say the agent has been in meetings all afternoon but will call you back first thing in the morning. Step five: He calls at 8:30 the next morning knowing you’re not in the office yet. A variation of Step four is he calls you back at 7:30 at night knowing you’ve left for the day. Repeat this process until the writer just gives up.

But now, with cellphones, there is no “out of the office”. He can reach you at lunch, at 7:30 at night, even 7:30 in the morning. And you can pepper him with email. Agents would give up their citizenship before they give up their Blackberrys. For us "schmucks with an Underwood" (or now an iMac) it’s a beautiful thing.

I must say, I’m one of the few writers who actually likes his agent. But he returned my calls b.c. (before cellphones).

How important you are in the business can be directly correlated to when (if ever) your agent gets back to you. If you call him and he actually gets on the phone, you just won an Emmy last week. If he calls you back within the hour, your movie just opened big or you have three series on the air. A lunch callback signals that you’re still marketable. Same with an early afternoon callback. But if the fortunes haven’t been smiling lately, if he’s not fielding offers for you, expect the 7 PM call. Always from his car on his way home. Priority level right behind making an appointment to have his golf shoes polished.

Those are great conversations because you can’t hear him on the speaker phone, if he needs to refer to something he left it at the office, and if he’s going over a canyon you get cut off. And they ALL seem to have homes in the canyon. Hey, wait a minute. That could just be Step Six.

When you meet with your agent is also an indication of your place on the Hollywood Food Chain. Dinner -- you’re the flavor of the month. Lunch – it’s okay to be seen with you. Breakfast – charity.

And of course none of this applies when the agent is trying to recruit you. Then he’s calling you six times a day – asking how your weekend was, wondering if you wanted Dodger tickets, telling you you should be having Paul Haggis’ career.

But now with email you can tell him every Monday how your weekend was, whether he asks or not. And when you read in Variety that Haggis signs a multi-million dollar deal to write the next James Bond movie you can find out why you didn’t get that assignment. Make sure your cellphone is on at 7:00, or in this case, more like 9:00.

And while you’ve got him, the Dodgers are in the playoffs. Box seats for Sunday would be nice.

Kat Dennings

Does it count as discovering someone if you cast her in a failed pilot before her career took off? If so, than my partner and I discovered Kat Dennings.

Kat currently stars in the teen comedy NICK & NORAH’S INFINITE PLAYLIST that opened this weekend. It has to do better than the pilot of SNOBS. That was an ill-fated pilot we did for Fox in 2003.

The premise was a family of snobs… but they had no money. They lived way above their means in a crappy tract house in San Mateo. Kat was the daughter. Ironically, the actor we tried to get to play her brother was Michael Cera (this was pre ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT) who is now her love interest in NICK & NORAH’S.

Finding a teenage girl who could play attitude and intensity but was real and funny was an almost impossible challenge. Most actresses are not that skilled at that age. Not to say that they won’t grow and blossom but in most cases you could “see them acting”. They didn’t just assume the character. Not Kat. She walked in, read the part, and from the first moment we knew – “That’s the girl!” She was hilarious, she was totally believable in a part that was a real stretch, and she was special.

In a fairly unheard of move, we brought no second choice to the network for approval. Usually they insist. And if you don’t bring them options they generally don’t approve the actor just for spite. But not this time. Everyone in the room instantly saw what we saw and she was enthusiastically approved.

I saw her in 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN and thought she stole the movie. You’re probably saying, “Really? She was in that?” Yes, she was Catherine Keener’s daughter and now that you know don’t you agree her performance was incredibly memorable?

I hope to work with Kat again someday. Maybe on another pilot, although the difference will be this time it’ll be her project and I have to get approved by the network.

Best of luck to NICK & NORAH’S INFINITE PLAYLIST.

Off limits comedy

Note: this post is an excuse to get in another pic of the "great one".Today’s Friday question comes from Hauke B.:

What kind of comedy, in terms of subject matter, tone or form, would you consider off-limits. Or does anything go, as long as it's funny?

First off, it depends on the audience. Andrew Dice Clay’s routine might not fly at a NOW convention. But at a men’s prison or any other sodomy supporting organization that same material is gangbusters.

My rule is: Any joke that intentionally hurts someone, that is a gratuitous and cruel is off limits. Exploiting someone’s misery for the sake of a laugh is not acceptable. I don’t care how funny the joke is – to YOU.

And when someone tells you something in confidence and you use it to get a laugh, that’s a no-no. Excuse me but isn’t that just common sense?

In general, here’s my feeling: If you have a joke and you’re not sure if you've crossed the line or not, you have. Come up with something else.

Comedy can be edgy, biting, scathing, profane, even shocking but come on, folks, have a little humanity.

Here’s a helpful quiz. Which of these topics should be considered off limits?

A) 9-11
B) Sarah Palin
C) Paul Newman
D) Flava Flave
E) Hurricane Ike
F) Celebrity Rehab
G) Suicide bombers
H) Elisabeth Hasselbeck
I) Criticizing this blog
J) Tsunamis
K) Gang Rape

If you said A, C, E, G, I, J, K you have some judgment and you’re not Sandra Bernard.

Don't have sex!!!

More from my book of growing up in the 60s.

1965 -- Tenth Grade

Among my classes that first semester was Health. Aunt Bea from THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW taught us the correct way to brush our teeth, clean our ears, and treat vaginal discharge. Under the guise of sex education we were shown a steady parade of “informational films” designed to scare the shit out of us. They were always these little black-and-white dramas. Bobby and Linda disobeying their wise parents and being “promiscuous”. Part one, Linda got pregnant. Part two, they both got gonorrhea. Part three Linda became a whore. The girls in class seemed somewhat shaken by all this. The boys just wanted to see Linda naked.

There were also cautionary drug docudramas on marijuana and drug use. These always featured Jimmy. (Bobby was in an insane asylum by then with syphilis.) Jimmy was a good kid but weak willed. He bumps into an old friend (who looks like Satan) and is invited to a party. He disobeys his wise parents and goes, even though it’s a school night. Everyone is smoking marijuana and listening to that jungle music. At the risk of being called a “square” Jimmy takes a puff. Part two is a week later. Jimmy is now a drug addict, shooting up, stealing to maintain his habit, hanging out with girls who wear slacks. Part three, he’s arrested, and must go through withdrawal. We see him in agony, thrashing around in his cell, screaming for what we’re told will be 48 straight hours.

I must confess, at the time, the drug films did sell me somewhat. Not that I assumed one toke would turn Jimmy into Reverend Jim but it did give me pause. And this was still the period where a clear line existed between good kids (like me and my friends) and bad kids (drug users/shop majors). Less than a year later that distinction would be completely blurred but in 1965 my drugs of choice were unattainable girls.

My mentors

Great expression in Hollywood: Mentors get eaten by their young.

While there is certainly no shortage of that “All About Eve” type behavior, I must say that for myself, I would never be where I am today were it not for some exceptional mentors. It’s like I learned pitching from a staff of Sandy Koufaxes. (And by the way, happy New Year, Sandy) One reason I started this blog was to be able to give something back. I’m a big believer in “Pay it Forward”. So if any tips I share you find valuable you can thank these people.

Larry Gelbart, Jim Brooks, Allan Burns, the Charles Brothers, Gene Reynolds, Tom Patchett, Jay Tarses, Treva Silverman, and one name you’ve never heard – Bruce Anson. Don’t race to imdb to look him up. He’s not there. Even Googling him will yield no results. (There are others with that name but they’re not him.)

But Bruce Anson taught me more about the craft of writing than all my high school and college teachers combined.

I was a sports intern at KMPC radio in Los Angeles. Bruce was one of their newscasters. He was in his 60s, smoked and drank too much (which I think was a prerequisite for getting hired in that department back then). He had been a booth announcer in the early days of TV and prior to that, network radio. And now he was pulling part-time Sunday night shifts, writing and delivering news twice an hour in between public service programs the station was obligated to run. When he finished at midnight the station went off the air for maintenance. So not exactly prime time.

He’d show up in shorts, loud Hawaiian shirts, and flip flops. Other newsmen reported for work in suits and ties.

My job was to write the sports portion of the newscast. Essentially a rundown of the day’s scores. Northwestern beat Ohio State 23-10, Notre Dame edged Army 21-20, etc. The most creative thing I did was once write: LSU puffed Rice 34-14.

During baseball season all the scores would be final by 6:00. There was no Sunday night baseball. Not even in Texas. The shift was until midnight but most sports interns would write up three sportscasts that could be rotated and went home six hours early. I went to Bruce and asked if I could help write his newscasts. He said, sure, but it’s not as easy as I think.

He was right.

I’d take a story from the United Press International wire, rewrite it, and hand it to Bruce. I assumed he’d say, “Great job. Thank you.”

No.

He said, “This sentence could be cut in half”, “There’s a better way of saying this”, “Use more descriptive words”, “This point should go ahead of that point”, “this phrase is a little confusing.” He’d then take a pen and start rewriting -- slashing words, replacing phrases, making it shorter, punchier, clearer, BETTER.

And so began a weekly pattern that lasted until football season. I would doggedly write story after story determined to just once please that son-of-a-bitch. Finally it happened. A house fire story. I don’t remember the details but I do remember I used the word “blaze”. It aired right before the vasectomy PSA. I was so proud.

Be ruthless. Always look to make it better. Have a little Bruce Anson sitting on your shoulder when you write. Ask him to put out the cigarette though.

I owe Bruce Anson a lot. I thank him for his time, his toughness, his talent. And if he were here today I'm sure he'd say "Isn't all the alliteration a little precious?"

Wackos we have hired

Today’s topic is nutty secretaries that my partner and I have had. Yes, the more politically correct term is “writers’ assistant” but the less p.c. and more accurate description of them is fucking loons.

Back in the day, studio secretaries were hired by the head of the steno pool. And those people were usually the craziest. So it only stood to reason that they would hire other fruitcakes. Producers then had their pick of the damaged litter.

Note: the names have been changed to protect the insane, er… innocent.

We had Carol who was into the occult. She would play new age music and stand on her head in our outer office. Perfect for greeting guests. The way my partner and I work, we dictate our scripts to our secretary so obviously she has to be in the room. Frequently we’d be silent, trying to come up with a line, and Carol would just start randomly chuckling. We asked what was so funny and she’d say, “I’m just imagining the great joke you’re going to come up with.”

Alas, one day she was having lunch outside the commissary during a gale force windstorm and a tree branch hit her in the head. She went on sick leave and was never heard from again.

Liz used to put her head down on the table during those lulls when David and I were thinking of a line, and she’d fall asleep.

Perky Bonnie, on her first day, asked if she could have a longer lunch break because she had an abortion scheduled for noon.

Poor Gina had her Porsche impounded by the FBI. Seems she had purchased a stolen car. This, after they were about to arrest her.

There’s sometimes “good” crazy and that was Ellen. She was 30, very attractive, and came in one day to ask what we thought of the nude pictures of herself she had a photographer take. Ellen was a keeper!

Carrie and some other secretaries had a little competition going. Who could sleep with the studio president first? Carrie came in third.

One day we asked Marianne to let us proofread the script we were writing one more time before she distributed it. She said, “Y’know, up until now I’ve been very patient with you guys.”

Donny regaled us with stories of being tied up in a famous celebrity’s basement dungeon. (No, I won’t tell you who… or the address… or how long he was tied up.)

And then there’s Sarah. Sarah lived in an apartment in Brentwood. Her parakeet got out of its cage and perched on a nearby tree. So Sarah did the sensible thing, what anyone would do. She called the studio and asked for a stunt man to be dispatched immediately. I get a call at home asking if I’d approve the $20,000 that would be charged to me. The stunt man was put on hold. So was Sarah.

Fortunately, we also had some great secretaries along the way and we will forever be in their debt. Ruth Horne (these are their real names), the incomparable Lana Lewis, and the late Sue Herring, who I still miss each and every day.

What makes you think I'm drunk, officer?

It’s a good thing I wasn’t stopped by a cop on the way home.

I was drenched in alcohol. A walking frat house. I would have failed a breathalyzer test from a block away. Just imagine that drunk uncle you always avoid at Thanksgiving.

The explanation I would give the officer, as I dripped on his shoes, was that I was in the Dodgers’ clubhouse celebration at Dodger Stadium. They had just clinched the National League West championship and as is the custom, celebrated by pouring champagne over each other’s head. It’s a wild scene and certainly a unique experience to be a part of.

My job was to interview crazed players for the Dodgers radio network. Try telling a guy putting ice down your back that you need them for a couple of minutes to talk coherently. I was doing okay avoiding the suds until pitcher Chad Billingsley blasted me with a full bottle. Thanks, Chad. From what I could taste, wearing was better than drinking that champagne. Winos would send back this swill.

I felt like I was back in Jr. High, asking girls to dance, except instead of adorable coeds in party dresses these were sodden behemoths in their underwear.

What made the celebration a little bizarre was that it came ten hours after they had clinched, thus cutting down the spontaneity factor by just a tad. The team that was chasing them was eliminated earlier in the day. And the Dodgers still had a game that night. I suggested to manager Joe Torre that they celebrate before the game. I would love to have seen nine guys just staggering out to their positions. The crowd cheers. They all hold their ears. Someone tries to stretch a double to a triple and throws up on the shortstop. They could still beat the Padres, by the way.

I managed to snare a few players and ask them the usual questions. Isn’t it exciting? You never gave up, did you? You get the idea. The question I wanted to ask but just didn’t have the time was:

“How much money did you lose in the stock market this week?”

Thanks to Andre Ethier (pictured above), Jeff Kent, Casey Blake (pictured right), Mark Sweeney, and Joe Beimel for agreeing to go on with me. And Howard Hoffman for the pictures. And Chan Ho Park for spraying that Fox Sports chick and missing me. Howard, I wish you had a shot of her.

I’ve been covering the Dodgers since way back in February and have gotten to know many of the players. I’m happy for the fans but thrilled for them. They’re terrific guys all. The playoffs begin this week. Good luck to your favorite team. Unless they’re playing my favorite team.

Meanwhile, I’m buying a poncho. And lining up a designated driver.

Paul Newman

In 1969 I was a sports intern at KMPC radio in Los Angeles. This was a big full-service station at the time. News, personalities, sports. Gary Owens from LAUGH-IN, the Rams, Angels, and UCLA Bruins. For people in the Midwest, think WGN. I worked in the newsroom, wrote sportscasts and changed teletype ribbon. The station could not run without me.

One day the general manager (Mr. Carlson of WKRP) approached me and said there was somebody who was going to be making a movie about radio and wanted to do a little research. Could I show him around for two days? I said sure, and he brought in Paul Newman. (He was about to make WUSA). And this was the Butch Cassidy-era Paul Newman, girls. So I picked myself off the floor and for a few days hung with my new BFF, Paul Newman. He even took me out to lunch. And I can happily report he was as nice, as gracious, as down to earth as you could possibly imagine.

I celebrate his life. And I celebrate his work. Here are some of my favorite Paul Newman movies.

ABSENCE OF MALICE (coincidentally, my latest Netflix pick of the month)

THE VERDICT

HARPER

BUTH CASSIDY (duh!)

THE STING (Shame on you if you haven't already seen this movie)

COOL HAND LUKE (the girl washing the car is maybe the sexiest scene ever)

HUD (the ultimate bad boy flick)

THE HUSTLER (Jackie Gleason is his bitch)

NOBODY’S FOOL (a small but underrated movie)

SLAP SHOT (I was saving this for a future Netflix pick)

TORN CURTAIN (Considered one of the lesser Hictchcock films but shouldn’t be)

Oh, who am I kidding? Just about any Paul Newman movie really. Except maybe WUSA.

What are your favorites?

The Newman family suggests donations in his name to the Assn. of Hole in the Wall Camps. You can get information here.

I'm all a Twitter

If you notice on the right I am now on TWITTER. You can also sign up for my WIDGET. At the bottom of my posts now are icons where you can log on to DIGG and FURL and DELICIOUS and twenty others.

There's just one thing....

I have no fucking clue what any of them mean!

Many thanks to my computer wizard for setting them up. And I'm told they're supposed to increase traffic, introduce my blog to more eyeballs, etc. That's great!

But how???

I'm told people can now get alerted to my blog updates on their cellphones. Really? Cool! Will anybody actually do it?

If someone reads my blog on TWITTER are they reading it here or is the post re-routed somewhere? And if so, where is that somewhere? Rochester, New York?

I'm providing RSS feeds for your convenience. Don't thank me. I don't know what that is.

But if any of these features makes it easier and more fun for you to read my blog then I'm thrilled. And if you've recently found this blog because of one of these jimjix, welcome, glad to have you.

It's just weird to think that I myself would probably never find it.

Why actors get fired

Here’s this week’s fabulous Friday question. Use the comments section to ask yours.

From Dana Gabbard:

Lisa Kudrow was originally cast as Roz, but after a day or so of rehearsal was replaced with Peri Gilpin. Series as varied as MASH, Rockford Files and Private Practice had key roles recast between pilot and series. The second Star Trek pilot had a different doctor than Dr. McCoy. What are the factors that go into making a major cast change that early in the production of a series?

In the case of Lisa Kudrow, she’s obviously a gifted comedienne, but she just wasn’t right for that part. She didn’t have the edge the character required. That happens on occasion. And sometimes it takes an actor a few days to lock in. That’s why it’s so important to get a great director like Jimmy Burrows to do your pilot. If he can’t help the actor find his character than it’s the wrong actor for the role.

There have been a few actors who were close to being replaced but somehow got it together and went on to carrying their shows. One that comes to mind is Tea Leoni. When she was rehearsing the pilot of the brilliant FLYING BLIND (a show that deserved a much better fate) there was so much concern that new casting sessions were planned. Jimmy and series creator Richard Rosenstock recognized her potential and stuck with her. Very smart move.

On the other hand, a friend of mine hated a certain actress and replaced her. I thought he was nuts. She was the only good thing in the stupid show. Fortunately, Annette Bening has found other work.

Often actors are replaced because the network arbitrarily just doesn’t like them. The initial table read and network runthrough is supposed to be just part of the rehearsal process. It’s not. Not anymore. Actors get fired all the time after these performances. On another friend’s pilot, they made him replace Tim Robbins.

And then sometimes, after you’re in rehearsal, another actor or bigger star that the network covets suddenly becomes available so they make you dump your choice to make room for theirs. It doesn’t sound fair, does it?

Decisions are also made on appearance. She’s not cute enough. Looks kind of fat on film. Tina Fey had to fire her close friend Rachel Dratch from 30 ROCK because the network wanted the more attractive Jane Krakowski. I must say I was against that move at first, and still feel Rachel would have been good, but Jane has pleasantly surprised me with how funny and talented she is.

If an actor survives the filming of the pilot he’s still not out of the woods. Because now comes testing. The BIG hurdle. Focus groups of the great unwashed. Lamebrains watching shows, twisting dials, passing uninformed judgment on everything they see. Tons of actors are booted as a result and many pilots are reshot. And I’ve sat through some of those sessions. It’s HOSTEL for the show’s creator. “I hate her.” “Why?” “I don’t like her shoes.” That’s an actual exchange from one of my pilot’s focus group.

For an actor to win a part on a pilot he must beat out 200 other candidates, get approved by the studio and the network (no mean feat), make it through production unscathed, and escape testing. Then there are the long odds of the show even being picked up and if it is, not being one of the 90% of new shows that fail. Winning two lotteries is easier.

So when I see actors kissing their Emmys and saying, “I’m proud to be an actor” I believe them. I sure wouldn’t want to make a living based on their odds.

The story behind the pies

“It’s a Wrap” was the season finale from year one of ALMOST PERFECT. (If you haven’t seen it yet, kids, it’s the previous post. At least check out the pie fight) But at the time we didn’t know if there would be a year two. So we tried to fashion an episode that could offer both promise and closure.

Figuring this might be our swan song, we started thinking about the wrap party and came upon the idea of all the characters thinking their fictional show had been cancelled and they could finally say the things about each other they had been holding in. And it seemed funny that after they burned every bridge, the show gets a reprieve and they now have to work together again. Talk about “awkward”. But how do you buy everything back? Had we painted ourselves into a corner?

We decided if something major could happen it might relieve the pressure. After people have a great time and laugh themselves silly they tend to be more forgiving. But what is that major event?

We pride ourselves on delivering literate /sophisticated comedy and that is why we immediately thought of a pie fight. What better way to let down your guard than when you’re covered in custard?

From there it was a matter of finding the specific issues between people. They had to be character oriented. What very relatable traits would piss off someone else and why? Once we determined all of those the writing went very quickly.

And then it came time to direct it. Gulp.

Staging crowd scenes are always difficult, but now there was this added little wrinkle – 700 tarts of chaos. I didn’t want the fight to just be a free-for-all so I went back and studied old Laurel & Hardy shorts and the finale of THE GREAT RACE. How do these fights escalate? Are there funny bits within the fight? How long should it go?

After studying Pie Fight 101 I choreographed the whole sequence using rice cakes for rehearsal. Lisa getting pelted all at once and Neil not participating were two of the bits I added.

The plan was to shoot this in front of the live audience. But just to cover my ass, I also shot it once the night before. It was pretty amazing to actually see it in action. And it gave me a chance to fine tune the sequence for the audience. When I finally yelled “cut!” the set was an utter gooey dripping mess, as were the fifty people in the scene. The actors were led off to separate holding pens and blasted with hoses. The set department needed all night to clean up the mess.

Incredibly, on show day the set was completely restored and everyone was back in costume. I shot the whole show and did all my pick ups right up to the fight. And then, with five cameras rolling, I yelled “Action!” and held my breath. The tarts went a’flyin’.

One of the many problems we had not anticipated was how slippery the floor became. And Kevin Kilner had to lift Nancy and carry her out. It’s a good thing he’s an athlete. Somehow he managed to do it and stay on his feet.

What you ultimately see is the combination of those two takes. Go back and look at it again. The first time did you notice that on several occasions things don’t match? Matthew Letscher is talking to Nancy Travis after the fight and from cut to cut the goop on his face is different. But in the confusion your eye doesn’t pick it up the first time.

A couple of final notes:

Chip Zien (Gary) is a seasoned Broadway performer. Not only can he sing but he can sing Sondheim. And not only can he sing Sondheim, he can sing Sondheim to Sondheim’s satisfaction. Chip was the Baker in the original cast of INTO THE WOODS.

Lisa in real life is a great dancer. She’s an even better physical comedienne. All of her klutziness was by design. Same with the bad singing.

The guy who tells the actor he’s been giving him tap water? That was our P.A., Brian Gewirtz. He went on to become the chief writer of WWF wrestling. The Rock owes his career to him.

The handsome, distinguished maitre’ d – that’s my dad, Cliff.

And I don’t want to tell you the girl who got the brunt of the pie fight because I don’t want to embarrass her… and she’s suffered enough.

Flying pies and Lisa Edelstein

Here's that pie fight episode from ALMOST PERFECT that I co-wrote and directed. It's pretty funny and if you're a Lisa Edelstein fan this show is for YOU. She is HILARIOUS in it. Tomorrow I'll fill you in on some backstory. Enjoy. I'm still washing custard out of my hair.





And here's the pie fight. From this point I let all cameras roll and just held my breath.

The day after the Emmys. What really goes on.

Monday morning.

No work gets done in the writing rooms of winning shows. Everyone basks in the afterglow. People are calling all day with congratulations. Muffin baskets and bottles of wine are being delivered faster than Lucy can wrap chocolates on the conveyor belt. Full-page ads in the trades already appear and will continue for the week. My favorites are the agency ads. They’ll salute their clients but their agency logo will take up a third of the page. The cast will stop complaining for 24 hours. On stage, the “greatest crews in history” will still take too long to set up a shot or forget to get the star’s coffee.

If one star from an ensemble show wins while the others lose, everyone – staff, crew, interns, I mean everyone – RUN!!!!

As for the shows that lost, or worse, were not even nominated. There’s not a writing staff in Hollywood (comedy or drama) that isn’t devoting the first two hours of the day to savagely ripping the Emmys. The only break is when they call their friends who’ve won and tell them how thrilled they are for them.

Here’s what I’m sure went down this year. At least a half-hour trashing the reality show hosts and that opening. Heidi will get the brunt of it. But the always reliable “Ryan is gay” jokes will also be flying.

You could play the drinking game for the number of times “talentless” gets uttered when referring to the hosts.

My Emmy review was a five-star rave compared to what’s said in these rooms.

A half hour minimum will be devoted to mercilessly savaging Mary Tyler Moore.

Steve Martin will take some aging/Botox/plastic surgery/no-longer-relevant shots.

Oprah fat jokes are a must.

As always, the room will be evenly divided on Kathy Griffin. But the ones that hate her will be louder.

Of course fashion will take a solid beating. And the women writers will be the most brutal.

The overwhelming consensus will be that no one who won deserved it. MAD MEN is slow and a piece of shit. 30 ROCK is not funny for a second. Tina Fey is over-rated. Jeff Probst is a joke. Glenn Close is a man. Alec Baldwin is insane. Everything is rigged. JOHN ADAMS only won because they wanted to get Tom Hanks to show up for the telecast. Everyone is a hack. The awards don’t mean anything anyway.

Then they’ll finally go back to work, silently praying that next year they’re Matthew Weiner or Tina Fey, or even Jeff Probst.