Tuesday, October 07, 2008

The Hills

Heidi is such an idiot! I mean, can’t she see that Spencer is a giant asshole? I really feel bad for her… even though she reminds me of a beautiful girl who looked just like her and wouldn’t give me the time of day because I wasn’t a Calvin Klein model, the bitch! But I’m sure Heidi’s not like that. Were she ever to accidentally come in contact with someone who wasn’t smoking hot I bet she’d say “Excuse me” as she blew by them as fast as possible.

As for her sister, Holly (and I know Holly is her sister because every time they show her they flash the graphic: Heidi’s sister. Do the producers think we viewers are so stupid we can’t remember that from shot to shot? Or we confuse the characters with the restaurant and club names? Nahhh, can’t be.) Holly obviously lives with the incredible burden that her sister is a 10 and she’s only a 9 1/2. But she still cares about Heidi. It was evident last week when she called their mom (graphic: Heidi & Holly’s mom although MILF would have sufficed) to tell her that Heidi was now living with Spencer. That’s when the fireworks really began. Heidi’s MILF had separate lunch dates with Spencer and Heidi in chic outdoor cafes to share her concerns. And let me tell you, Edward Albee only DREAMED of writing crackling dialogue like this: MILF: “Why do you think you need to live with her so soon in your relationship?” Spencer: “Because… why not?” Look out! Sparks flying!

But my heart truly goes out to Lauren these days. I put aside the fact that she looks just like the girl who laughed in my face when I had the audacity to ask her out – and I feel her pain. Her “friend” Stephanie went out with her former boyfriend, the gorgeous and reprehensible Doug. And she learned it wasn’t just dinner. It was coffee too! How Lauren has the strength to get up in the morning and shop at overpriced Melrose Ave. botiques with that hanging over her head is beyond me.

It all came to a head at Doug & Brody’s BBQ for Tommy Hilfinger models. Like all twentysomethings in LA trying to launch careers, they live in a house in the hills with a view of the entire city. You want to hate them but then you realize, hey, there’s no room to build a tennis court. And just because these guys would burn this house down to the ground before inviting me to a pool party like this, I still really care about their plight. How can you not? They can’t fuck all these girls at once. There are logistics, lies to keep straight – heavy is the dickhead that wears the crown.

I want to say to Lauren, Audrina, Holly, Heidi, Romy, Michele, Whitney, Stephanie, and Lo – these guys will break your hearts and mail them to your MILFs. At least this week when Doug said to Lauren, “You’re like my ex-fling” she had the good sense to leave. You want to loathe him but then he says, “I don’t feel like I said anything wrong here” and you realize, “Oh my God, he’s not just hateful, the poor thing is also retarded.”

Friendships are severely tested on THE HILLS. The evil Spencer (who’s Jay Mohr if he were better looking) has broken up Heidi and Lauren and now he’s threatening Heidi and Holly’s (graphic: Heidi’s sister) relationship. But out of such turmoil comes revelations. Lauren and Audrina are sitting out at the pool (as do all struggling young people in the middle of the afternoon) and Audrina is musing on how Lauren and Heidi (graphic: Holly’s sister) were such good friends before Spencer came along and then Lauren delivers this bombshell: “One person can like change everything.” Audrina was rocked by this epiphany and I don’t mind sayin', I was too. Who knew??

In this recent episode Doug successfully drove a wedge between Lauren and Stephanie. Lauren says to a tearful Steph – and I bet these words haunt me for a good long time. “You’re no longer my friend. Let me get you a tissue.”

Now you may say, “Oh Levine’s just a cynical old guy. He doesn’t get it. He calls girls by their names and not ‘dude’.” But I really am entertained by THE HILLS. It’s also the first show I’ve ever seen sponsored by Tampex and Victoria Secrets.


Unknown said...



Now I know how Talula felt when I talked about Twitter.

I'd rather kill myself before watching a single episode of this "show". The best thing I ever saw was when Letterman ripped into two of those... people.

Anonymous said...


You're kidding, right?


There's an hour of your life you'll never get back.

TCinLA said...

"Do the producers think we viewers are so stupid"

Ken: if you stopped watching, the audience for that show wouldn't have a collective minimal double-digit IQ.

Why do you keep watching shows by Morons, for Morons, about Morons. Are you a closet Hollywood Republican???????

Cap'n Bob said...

You're bucking for sainthood, Ken, by taking it upon your broad shoulders to watch this tripe and report on it to save others the agony. "Tampax." But you knew that.

Warren Fleece said...

Cripes. I feel like I inhaled solvent vapors just from reading that.

Question Mark said...

"Heavy is the dickhead that wears the crown." --- best line ever written about the Hills, and possibly just the best line ever written

Dave Mackey said...

That's about three million brain cells I'll never get back. But I feel so... refreshed.

Tom Quigley said...

I think I'd rather watch the telenovelas on Univision... I can't understand a word they're saying and they still make more sense than the crap on THE HILLS...

Anonymous said...

You had me at "heavy is the dickhead that wears the crown." OMG ROTFLMAO

Anonymous said...

Awesome. Truly awesome. Your scathing and hilarious reviews of this show and American Idol almost make me want to watch the shows, just so I can see exactly what you're tearing to shreds. Thankfully, you write so well, I don't need to!

VP81955 said...

I think Whitney is the one in the cast who gets the least amount of ink, so I assume she's probably the most sensible -- and likable -- of the bunch.

Anonymous said...

tc: I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that not a lot of Republicans watch The Hills. I'd be surprised if even 2% of their viewers were registered to vote.

Great post, Ken. I'm glad there are guys like you and Joel McHale watching The Hills so I don't have to. I get all the comedy with none of the soul suckage.

Unknown said...

All of the comedy with none of the soul suckage.

That is my new favorite tag line. It perfectly explains why I watch The Soup.

I have to admit I never made it through your post Ken, I hate the Hills. Who are these people? They aren't even D list celebs, is there something lower than Z list?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the update. I'm now all caught up again. I'd missed a few episodes, but only all of them. I was waiting to Netflix the DVDs. I'm looking forward to the Christmas episode, where they hang Holly!

However, I did not feel that you made it clear enough that the "Doug" discussed on this show, driving a wedge between Holly's Sister and Holly's identical twin, is NOT me! Please make it crystal clear that the "Doug" on The Hills (Prior to reading this post, I did not know there was a "Doug" on The Hills.) is not 58, grizziled, and gay.

But not gay enough to do Spencer.

Follow-up show for "The Hills"?

The Pits!

Tallulah Morehead said...

Sebastian darling,

My name is spelt Tallulah (NOT Holly's Sister), 3 Ls, and an H. I've been meaning to ask: are you the Sebastian who looks just like his sister Viola in drag, or the Sebastian who was the street-urchin appetizer in Cabesa Del Lobo?

Tom Quigley darling,

I LOVE telenovelas. I'm always getting caught up in them and watching them obsessively. Mind you, I don't understand a word of Spanish (Other than "Si!" And if Mel Blanc is around, I can add "Sue, Sy, and Sew."), but that only makes them better. I can invent my own storylines and dialogue for them, and I'm sure I improve them tremedously.

Basically, if it stars Eduardo Capetillo or Jose Angel Llamas, I'm there! They may speak gibberish, but they sizzle! And if I MUST know what they are saying, I can always roll over and ask my gardner's son,(Coincidentally, his name is Eduardo also!), lying here beside me. Eduardo is gifted in tongues.

Eduardo darling, prune my hedge!

Anonymous said...

Wow, only Tallulah could reference Twelfth Night, Suddenly Last Summer, The Jack Benny Show and telenovelas in one post. Brava!

Anonymous said...

huh? did I accidentally get into a 14 year old girl's blog who doesn't hate the french at all? Is this the new rickrolling? being sent to a blog about soap operas? I just got HillRoll'd?

Elizabeth McQuern said...

I still can't understand how these people can be scripted and edited and still be so damn boring. Pretty, yes. Well-dressed, sure. Charismatic? Nopes.

Anonymous said...

Throw in a spot for Trojans and we hit the advertising trifecta. Thanks, Ken!

Brian Scully said...

"The Hills" is a perfect example of the reality crap that is the reason TV is mostly terrible now. As far as entertainment goes, it's not real enough to be good, and it's not good enough to be real.

Unknown said...

Mea culpa Tallulah ^^;

Next time I'll adress you as Mrs. Morehead.

I definitely can rememder that. I even came up with a mnemonic device for it *snicker*

Oh and I'm the fat chick with the party hat on (tm) ;-)

Doug Walsh said...

I know you're probably watching this crap for "research" and to monitor the competition, but I sure as hell hope your agent gets you hazard pay for this.

Seriously, Ken, you're a respected man. I can't fathom why you would watch this crap, let a lone actually feed into it by posting about it.

Unless this was just some sort of test to see just how dedicated your readers are. Not sure the site can survive another post like this.

Tallulah Morehead said...

"Next time I'll address you as Mrs. Morehead."

"Mrs. Morehead" was my mother, and I do not care to be reminded that she - ah - used to exist.

Miss Morehead works, If you get into my married names, well, it gets a bit long.

Acording to Dougie's records, I am Mrs. (Countess) Tullalah Clytemnestra Morehead Knight Thalberg Tepes Karloff (actually "Pratt") Towers (Actually "Suderstrombork") Herkert Borgnine Bronze Rockwood Van Owen Berman Allen, and there may be a one or five who have slipped my notoriously slippery mind.

"jbryant said...
Wow, only Tallulah could reference Twelfth Night, Suddenly Last Summer, The Jack Benny Show and telenovelas in one post. Brava!"

Thank you darling. There was a DOCTOR WHO (Recent vintage) reference slipped in there as well, but I'm not going to point it out.



Anonymous said...

Y'know, it's not like Ken's post is an earnest endorsement of The Hills. There's a grand tradition of intelligent people watching (or reading, or listening to) utter crap so they can get snarky about it. There's also such a thing as a guilty pleasure. And there's also such a thing as being unable to avert one's eyes from a train wreck.

I don't think we need to worry about Ken's mental health, critical faculties or time management priorities unless the irony suddenly disappears from his Hills posts.

Anonymous said...

You are officially the oldest person who watches THE HILLS. The oldest to admit it, anyhow.

Anonymous said...

Did Annie's writing partner hack into your blogger account?

Anonymous said...

You know, I never thought I'd celebrate ignorance, but I'm happy to say I have never watched anything with these Hills people. Sure some names have slipped in through osmosis, but still, I've never had to listen to them think out loud. I just know I'm a healthier person because of it.