A Mommy Dearest Merry Christmas to you all!

May your family have as wonderful a Christmas as Joan Crawford's.



And what holiday celebration in the Crawford home would be complete without this heartwarming scene?



MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

When NOT to take down your Christmas decorations

This is my friend Kevin’s house in the residential San Fernando Valley. He’s Jewish but loves to celebrate the colors and lights of the season. This tradition began (as most things do) because his girlfriend at the time really loved Christmas decorations.

There’s not another house on his block even remotely as elaborate. I bet you can see Kevin's house from space.

Now the question always arises, when do you take down your Christmas decorations? For most people the answer is usually after the first of the year. Certainly by Memorial Day.

But I guess if you take them down earlier you face dire consequences.

Last year Kevin made the mistake of striking his on December 26. This caused an absolute shitstorm with his neighbors. Their wrath knew no seasonal bounds. Kevin’s house was egged, he was left threatening notes, and people he didn’t even know called to scream at him.

But the coup de grace was this: His neighbor from across the street, who he never talks to and has no relationship with whatsoever, called him.

KEVIN: Hello.

TINA: Kevin, this is Tina from across the street. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!

KEVIN: Excuse me?

TINA: Why did you take down your Christmas decorations? Are you INSANE?

KEVIN: Um, Christmas is over.

TINA: Yes, but I have a big New Year’s Eve party every year and one of the big attractions is that everybody likes to look at your decorations. And now you’ve RUINED MY PARTY!

I mean, how do you possibly respond to that other than sending invitations for their next New Year’s Eve bash to the Hells Angels?

Now to review: Out of the goodness of his heart (the girlfriend has long since moved on to Tiger Woods or whomever) Kevin puts up the decorations on his own time and at his own expense.

And this is how he’s rewarded.

Kevin, I wouldn’t entirely take down your holiday decorations this year. I would remove all the lights and the big snow globe like you normally do but I would hire a Department Store Santa to sit on your front porch with a fucking bazooka. A few blasts from Rudolph the Red Nose Rocket Launcher and by God, your neighbors will once again rekindle that holy spirit of Christmas.

My favorite cheesy TV Christmas Special

Here's a holiday excerpt from the book I'm writing about growing up in the 60s.

I still can’t fathom why anyone watched the ANDY WILLIAMS variety show on NBC if they didn’t own a color TV. It was so wholesome your teeth ached. Whatever “edge” the show had was provided by the Osmond Family. But it was in color and production numbers always featured grinning All-American yahoos in brightly colored sweaters holding brightly colored balloons. Not having a color TV and not being gay I never watched THE ANDY WILLIAMS SHOW… except…

During their Christmas special.

It was the one time of year Andy had his beautiful family on the show and this became a 60s American tradition. Mom and dad and the Williams kinder would sing Carols, exchange presents, and their message of love and holiday good cheer would absolutely entrance you. That’s not why I watched it, of course. I wanted to screw Andy’s wife.

Claudine Longet (Mrs. Williams) was a willowy brunette with exquisite doe eyes and luscious lips. Laura Petrie but French. She was also a successful recording artist but believe me, if she looked like Charles De Gaulle she couldn’t give away one record. But I found her incredibly sexy, even when she was singing Silent Night in front of a crucifix. She and Andy would divorce in the 70s and two years later she shot her boyfriend, Olympic skier Spider Sabich to death. I still wanted to screw her, but not as much.

So as enjoyable as those holiday shows were in the mid 60s, watching them now on PBS they take on a whole new level of absurdity. Two of their kids are named Noelle and Christian. How much more seriously can you take Christmas? And yet, twelve years later, there’s mom in a different winter wonderland with a loaded revolver. She was ultimately convicted on a lesser charge and married her defense attorney.

I’ll be on parole for Christmas.

Netflix pick of the month: SMILE

Since it’s the holiday season I thought I’d suggest a comedy that is cynical, unsentimental, not for kids, and features a Klan type meeting. SMILE from 1975 is a largely undiscovered gem.

It’s all about a cheesy beauty contest in Santa Rosa, California. We follow the contestants (who are blessed with such talents as suitcase packing), the organizers, and some pre-teens trying to sneak peeks at the girls when they’re naked. The movie is steeped in Americana. This is the kind of film the Coen Brothers would have made if they weren’t like nine at the time.

Michael Richie directed in a very “mockumentary” style. But the script by Jerry Belson is really the star. Great biting satire on the importance we place on these absurd superficial competitions. A parallel could be drawn to today’s reality shows if one is so inclined. But if not, hey, just come for the laughs.

Belson (profiled here) was one of the great writers of THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, THE ODD COUPLE, and HAPPY DAYS. This movie was made into a Broadway play a few years ago and in Jerry’s Playbill bio he said, “SMILE fulfills a lifelong dream for Mr. Belson – to get paid twice for the same script”.

Several performances of note: the young Melanie Griffith and Annette O’Toole, and Barbara Feldon (Agent 99) as a former beauty queen whose entire self-worth is connected to the pageant.

Is you like scheming, young women in underwear, patriotism, explosions, bad choreography, the American Dream, laughter, and suitcase packing advice, SMILE is for you.

Here's the trailer:

Christmas in Las Vegas

As you prepare for Christmas and all the holiday traditions, take a moment to reflect on the true meaning of the season. And nowhere is that more present than in Vegas -- Bethlehem with slots. Here's my holiday travelogue from a few Decembers ago. Gather up the whole family and enjoy.


Deb and I just got back from a brief weekend in Las Vegas, or, as I like to call it, "Three Card Monty for the Red States". Many big attractions there this holiday weekend. The annual rodeo, the Anti-Aging conference, the Jose Luis Castillo/Joel Casamayer title bout. But we were there to see Linda Eder. Ms. Eder is a spectacular singer -- Barbra Streisand but at affordable prices and you never have to suffer through "Evergreen". We've become friends with her manager, Dave, who graciously invited us to join him for her concert. Since we likely would have gone to Vegas for Christmas anyway, we gladly accepted.

Stayed at the Mandalay Bay. Dave is also a VP of something for the House of Blues (who knows more about the blues than the Jews?) and arranged for us to get a room on the "House of Blues" floor. It had the two things Debby and I require in a hotel room -- a fabulous view and voodoo decor.

I'm not joking about the annual Anti-Aging conference. But am I the only one who finds it odd to hold an Anti-Aging conference in the one place where people stay up all hours drinking, gorging, smoking, and enduring the enormous stress of losing their money? I guess it's held there out of respect for Joan Rivers. My feeling is if the President of the Anti-Aging organization isn't 117 then it's a sham.

Had dinner Friday night at Rumjungle in the hotel. Very classy. Girls dance in cages above your head. To me that is classy. To Vegas it's positively elegant.

Interesting crowd at the hotel because of all the special events. A lot of shitkickers (I assume for either the rodeo or "Mamma Mia") and the prizefight attracted several hundred Ruben Studdards decked out in jewelry and Oakland Raider sweatsuits. Rode in an elevator with one -- a mean looking dude in black sunglasses. He said, "you here for the fuckin' fight, man?" I sheepishly had to say "No, the Linda Eder concert". I'm lucky I'm still alive.

This week a boxing title match, next week an ice spectacular featuring American Idol loser Diana DeGarmo.

The headliner at the hotel was Larry the Cable Guy. If Shecky Green were dead he'd be rolling in his grave.

And as I said, a full Broadway production of "Mamma Mia", not to mention a separate "Mamma Mia" STORE. Someone had a great line about Abba. It's like being hit in the head with Ikea furniture. You appreciate the craftmanship but it hurts.

I won $20 in blackjack. Debby lost $.55 in the slots. I doubt if we'll be comped the next trip.

I think there were Christmas lights and decorations up all over town. Who could tell?

The waitresses were all attractive with massive chests. If there was a flood on the casino floor they would float to the surface.

The most beautiful girl I saw there was a parking valet attendant bundled in a heavy coat. If she got a boob job I'm sure she could get an inside job. Maybe Santa will be good to her.

Next day we hit the beach. Yes, Mandalay Bay has it's own beach. Unfortunately, the ocean was turned off. No waves. But Debby and I took a long walk along the grid that serves as the shore and gazed out at the horizon to see the Lance Burton Magician billboard on Las Vegas Avenue.

From there we hotel hopped. Had to stop in at the Excalibur -- a casino in Sleeping Beauty's castle. This is home to the black socks, shorts, and wife beater shirt crowd. You know you're in trouble when they have a special parking lot just for motorhomes. Handing a pair of dice to one of these idiots is like handing a gun to a monkey.

Then on to the Bellagio, where Debby and I checked out the Monet exhibit at their fine arts gallery. (How can you go to Vegas and not stop in a museum??) I imagine when most of the tourists saw the ad for the exhibit they said, "Hey, they spelled money wrong!" The paintings were glorious and it was just nice to be in the only room in Las Vegas where everybody voted for Kerry. I can only imagine the paintings Monet himself would have made had he been to Las Vegas. "The Imperial Palace as seen from the Luxor".

The highlight of the trip was the Linda Eder concert. It's the third time I've seen her. I realize that if I see her one more time I'm officially gay. But I don't care. That will happen in March when she performs in Northridge. The only problem was that her concert hall was impossible to find. It's somewhere on the UNLV campus -- the Jerry Tarkanian Music Hall, or something like that -- and even cab drivers have no idea where this is. Dave and I set out for the sound check. The venue is five minutes from our hotel but we wound up somewhere near the Mustang Ranch. The only map on how to get there was on the ticket envelope you pick up at the box office. But we ultimately found it and the concert was wonderful. Celine Dion can't carry her Chloraseptic.

Headed home early this morning. McCarran airport is the worst in the country re security checks. You actually DO have to allow two hours. It's bad enough you have to remove your shoes, but the spurs must come off too and that takes some time.

And now we're home, shopping for voodoo wallpaper.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

The best music video of the year

This is the most satisfying music video of the year. A musician, Dave Carroll, watched as United Airlines baggage handlers destroyed his custom Taylor guitar. For a year he tried to get them to pay for the damages and they told him to go fuck himself. He told them he was going to make a music video exposing them. They said, "Good luck with that one, pal."

So he did. And he posted it on YouTube. And it went viral. CNN even picked it up. And it now has over 6,000,000 hits. United Airlines called Carroll and wanted to arrange a settlement if he would pull the video. You can guess what he told them. "Good luck with that one, pal."

Taylor guitars has since sent him two custom guitars.

In case you haven't seen it, here's the video. So far this is the most heartwarming Christmas story I've heard this season.

How to drive your actors completely insane

Aloha. Here is some last minute Friday Q & A’s before Christmas. If you have a question, send it my way via the comments section. Mahalo.

LD wonders:

Often syndicated programming will shoot promos with the cast where they mention the name of the local station. Can you shed some light on how this goes down? How many of these are typically done in a year? At what point does everyone start to go crazy from the repetition? How often would writers be asked to prepare something unique instead of just saying "Watch Frasier on WXYZ!"

The shows’ writers never got involved in that. That would cost the syndicators money so you know that'll never happen. Usually once a year the promo department would assemble the cast and at one time, over a couple of hours, record all of these local promos. After about a half hour the actors were going nuts. Because it wasn’t just parroting back call-letters, each station had its own slogan and each station had its own news anchor they wanted plugged. On MASH one year they did it on a Friday night after filming for twelve hours. I swear, by the end, they looked like Confederate soldiers hobbling home dazed from the Civil War.

willieb gets in the spirit of joy with an AfterMASH question:

A number of reviews of the new "Scrubs" this week said something along the lines of: "It's a bad sequel, but not as bad as AFTER M*A*S*H*." Really, what made AFTER M*A*S*H* the last word in failed sequels?

Well, it premiered with a 51 share and sunk to a 19 by the end of the season. That’s usually a bad sign (although the show was still renewed if you can believe it).

I think the combination of assembling three second-bananas and setting them in the comedy-rich world of a Veteran’s Hospital in 1953 combined for a less-than-stellar show. Even with Larry Gelbart at the helm we couldn’t overcome that obstacle.

Hey, as funny as they are, I’d like to see the BIG BANG THEORY writers try to squeeze laughs out of that leaden premise.

From Abie'sIrishRose:

Back in the day, my family watched Bing Crosby movies (Going My Way, Holiday Inn, etc. etc) The Bishop's Wife, etc. And we looked forward to The Grinch and other animated specials. I know many non Christians go out to movies on Christmas (and have Chinese food). But are there any holiday themed movies you would watch as part of the festive season? I could only think tangentially of "For Your Consideration" which features the making of a movie about Purim. And that's kind of new.

If you’re looking for Jewish-themed Christmas movies I can’t think of many. EIGHT MEN OUT is not about Hanukah. But my favorite holiday movie is A CHRISTMAS STORY.

TBS or TNT or one of those cable networks that begin with a “T” traditionally has a 24 hour marathon of A CHRISTMAS STORY and I watch it (or parts of it) every year.

rickatnite asks:

It seems there's some kind of unwritten law of sitcoms that once the youngest kid of the show's family reaches the age of the oldest kid at the start of the series (give or take a year), it's time to cancel the show...or add another set of twins. Am I imagining this or is it real?

I’ve never heard this. If it’s true, the next family sitcom I create will have a middle-aged dad with a young trophy wife so his children will be six months old and 35.

The year I got fired at Christmas

One of the many reasons I became a writer is that I got tired of being fired as a disc jockey. Today marks the 35th anniversary of the last time I signed off my show with “see you tomorrow” and was never heard from again.

1974, I’m Beaver Cleaver on KSEA, San Diego, playing “The Night Chicago Died” and “Billy Don’t Be a Hero” five times a night and seriously considering blowing my brains out. Yes, I know – why “Beaver Cleaver”? Ken Levine sounded too Jewish. (Reelradio.com has some of my embarrassing airchecks.)

The fall rating book came out, the numbers were not good, and at 3:00 I was told to hurry down to the station for an all-important staff meeting at 4:00. We all assembled and were told the station had decided to change formats to gospel and we were all being let go. “Even me?” I said in mock amazement. “Especially you.” “But I could change my name to Eldridge Cleaver.” “I’m going to need your station key”.

Quick aside: a year earlier at KMEN San Bernardino they wanted to get rid of me by moving me from the evening shift to the all-night show. The cheap bastards were hoping I’d quit so they wouldn’t have to pay severance (maybe $300 at most) and be on the hook for unemployment insurance. I asked the program director to at least do the humane thing and fire my sorry ass. “Nope”, he said, “Starting tonight you’re midnight to six.” So I stopped off at the local record store, picked up an LP, and dutifully reported on time for my shift.

Like KSEA, we were a high energy Top 40 station. (Our program director was in love with WLS whose slogan was “the Rock of Chicago” so we became the much catchier “Rock of the Inland Empire”.) I signed on and started playing the hits. Then at 12:30 segued smartly into FIDDLER ON THE ROOF….in Yiddish. The entire album. I was fired during “Anatefka”.

Back to the KSEA staff meeting -- Our morning man, Natural Neil asked when this format change was taking place. A month? A week? The program director looked at his watch and said “45 minutes”. And with that we were all canned. KSEA was gone…along with the promotion we were running at the time --

“Christmas the way it was meant to be!”

My open letter to Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger,

I see the number of mistresses you’ve had is now 14 and counting. It’s one thing to cheat on your wife, but cheating on 13 mistresses, have you no decency, sir?!

Did you really think you wouldn’t be caught? 14 times? News flash: One of the big reasons women want to sleep with you is so they can TELL PEOPLE THEY’RE SLEEPING WITH TIGER WOODS. Don’t you have anybody advising you? Jesus, even your caddy should know that!

So the question is: now what do you do?

Please don’t play the “Sex Addict” card. Don’t claim it’s a disease and you have no control. Has anyone noticed that ugly guys never have this disease? The only tragic victims are good looking married celebrities with money. David Duchovny is in rehab with this serious problem. Of course it’s not serious enough to keep him from filming CALIFORNICATION where his character does nothing but fuck his brains out. Oh, right. That’s for his “art”. I forgot.

The point is, Tiger, the public is no longer buying it. I mean, Steve Phillips, public dimwit, used that claim. If you want to be honest, say you’re a “Marriage Addict”. Say you have this uncontrollable need to be married. That we could believe. No one as successful as you with as many smoking hot women throwing themselves at you would be stupid enough to get married unless it was something you couldn’t control. There must be some “Elizabeth Taylor” or “Mickey Rooney” clinic you can check yourself into.

It looks like your wife is going to file for divorce. Even though you told a friend you were going to go out to Zales and buy her a Kobe diamond ring, which you eloquently defined as a “house on a finger”, she still seems determined to leave. By the way, idiot, who buys priceless jewelry at Zales for Christsakes? Has anyone in your posse ever heard of Tiffany’s? But I digress. Even your passionate pleas that “She meant nothing to me. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or the other ones yet to be revealed” have fallen on deaf ears. And a number of sponsors have dropped you as their spokesman. You may pick up some others but I doubt it. Certainly not Cadillac. You go five miles an hour, hit two objects, and wind up unconscious? That can’t be good for selling cars.

“Marriage Addiction”. That’s the ticket, Tiger. And next time be smart. Get some help. Get a trusted adviser. I won’t always be there for you. And don’t get just anybody. You want the best. You need the best.

Give Derek Jeter a call.

With best wishes for the holidays,

Ken Levine

I want my MTV

Here’s another great real-life MAD MEN story. This Don Draper is named George Lois. He was a Madison Avenue star in the late 50s, early 60s. He came up with the Volkswagen “Think Small” campaign in 1960 (for the nine of you who remember it). He also dreamed up with the name “Lean Cuisine”.

When MTV was launched in 1981 it had a tough time getting off the ground. A few cable outlets in smaller markets like Tulsa carried it but none of the big cities. And without LA, New York, Chicago, and maybe Pismo Beach they knew it would never succeed. They pitched MTV to all the major cable operators and no one was remotely interested.

Looking for assistance they turned to George Lois.

He met with the MTV head honchos Bob Pittman and Les Garland. And his proposal was this: a commercial – but not to the cable operators; to the public.

His idea was to take the MTV logo, add loud striking visuals, and end with a voice-over saying, “If you don’t get MTV where you live, pick up the phone, dial your local operator and say…”

(You know the rest.)

“I WANT MY MTV.”

And to jazz it up he suggested Mick Jagger do the tagline. Jagger did.

They bought some commercial time on national networks and lots of time on targeted cable outlets.

The response was otherworldly. Within six months “I Want My MTV” was on the cover of Time magazine. And MTV joined every cable outlet in the land.

So in many ways we have George Lois to thank for the music revolution that was MTV and Boy George.

When CBS made lovely promos

Hard to believe it's the same network as the one airing this ad.

This is from 1966. What a difference 43 years makes. (Thanks to friend of the blog Arlen Peters for alerting me to this.)

Why does anyone go to an NFL game?

Okay, I’m from L.A. and we have no NFL team. So I know I’m not your typical fan. And today I watched games from Maui. But still, I’ve always wondered, as we’re now in Decemeber --

Why does anybody GO to football games when it’s freezing, snowing, raining, hailing, or all of the above? The games are on TV. In HD. You get closer angles, you get replays, you get that yellow line! How can we even follow a football game now if it doesn’t have that yellow line?

There was that Packer-Giants 2007 NFC championship game in Green Bay where it was something like twenty degrees below. Half the players got trench foot. And they were the lucky ones. Meanwhile, 72,740 people sat in the stands, frozen, for almost four hours. Why? Yeah, I understand the camaraderie and the excitement of being there live, but Holy Christ!! This is how Russian armies won wars – by freezing out their opponents, who by the way, wore just as many layers and passed around just as many flasks as loyal Cheeseheads.

I’m sure diehard fans will scoff and say I just don’t understand – and they would be right. A big-screen TV, a hot pizza, a roaring fire, a nearby bathroom (that’s CLEAN), a pause button, and the yellow line vs… frostbite.

And then there’s rain and snow. There’s nothing more fun than watching an NFL game in a blizzard or deluge. They should outlaw domes. With snow the field turns white, there’s zero visibility – it’s a beautiful thing. And in the driving rain the field turns to mud, no one can hold the ball, there’s fumbles every play, and if someone should miraculously catch a pass he then slides for ten yards. Uniforms get black, announcers have no idea who anybody is, hash marks disappear – now THAT’S entertainment!

But if you’re sitting in the stands, peeking out of ponchos or garbage bags and the rain and snow is pelting you too, doesn’t that put a tiny crimp in your enjoyment? Help me here. What am I missing, besides double pneumonia?

It’s not like baseball. People brave brutal weather conditions to attend playoff and World Series games but that’s so they don’t have to listen to Tim McCarver. I get that. But Chris Collingsworth is okay. Troy Aikman and Phil Simms are boring but they don’t send you screaming into the frozen tundra. And newcomer Jon Gruden is quite good.

I could do without the stupid animated transformers on FOX, GARY UNMARRIED promos on CBS, and NBC could cut their half-time roster of announcers by six and stop showing the Philadelphia Eagles (they've been on Sunday Night Football fifteen times already this season) but football is a television sport. And for you hearty souls who say drive four hours in grid-lock traffic to and from Foxboro and sit for four to six hours in torturous conditions, just consider this – the players you are watching are all getting millions of dollars. You paid for your seat. What’s wrong with this High-Definition picture?

The gifts you can't return

One clear sign that it’s Christmas in LA is that you see more TV show jackets. For years that has been the Christmas gift of choice for staffs of television series. Which if fine if you work on THE OFFICE, not so fine if you work on WORLD'S BIGGEST LOSER.

You feel a little bit like a schmuck anyway, wearing a show jacket, like you’re bragging, hoping to impress “the chicks”. Trust me, an AMISH IN THE CITY fleece is not an aphrodisiac.

Other gifts are traditionally baseball caps (when show runners don’t want to pop for jackets for the crew), T-shirts (same deal), and if you ever get a show mug you know you’re about to be cancelled.

One year on CHEERS we received lovely dart boards. At the time everyone had young children. I don’t think anyone even took them out of the box. (I’m sure there’s still one or two floating around ebay). On MASH one year the cast gave us all engraved watches. It was a beautiful gift, one I still have. The next season the new writer on the staff was counting the days until the big gift. It turned out to be a custom 33 rpm album of all the scenes in which the cast sang on the show. He was livid. “You guys get watches and I get a fucking album of Loretta Swit singing?!” (I don’t even think ebay has that one).

Most studios gave out big gift baskets, silver key chains, bottles of nice wine, Walkmen, DVD collections, etc. For many years I worked at a studio where the holiday gifts were always disaster first aid kits, huge honkin’ flashlights, Thomas’ road maps, and earthquake preparedness guides. Everything spelled doom, especially the present that came two years ago…the mug. I’m no longer at that studio.

Oh well, I still have my memories. And my IT’S ALL RELATIVE fleece, BIG WAVE DAVE’S cap, ALMOST PERFECT sweatshirt, LATELINE jacket, KIRSTIN fleece, CONRAD BLOOM bowling shirt, ASK HARRIETT t-shirt, and GEORGE & LEO beltbuckle…which I would all gladly trade for one MODERN FAMILY handkerchief.

YOU supply the headlines

From time to time I like to present audience participation posts. These are actual news stories that just cry out for headlines. Have at 'em, dear readers. Leave them in the comments section. And as always, thanks for playing.

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Among the health-insurance upgrades demanded by Philadelphia-area transit workers and agreed to by the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority in November was removal of the 10-tablet-per-month rationing of Viagra and similar medications, to allow as many as 30 per month (according to a Philadelphia Daily News report). (The final contract, reportedly even more beneficial to the union, was being voted on by union members at press time.)

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When police in Brimfield, Ohio, stopped Jaime Aguirre, 42, for a traffic violation in October, they found some conventional photos of nude and near-nude women, but were especially surprised at a stash of x-rays and mammograms, which they supposed came from Aguirre's job as technician at an imaging center in Tiffin, Ohio. The Brimfield police chief said he believed the stash was used by Aguirre for sexual gratification, and since some of the x-rays and mammograms were of girls under the age of 18, Aguirre was charged with possession of child pornography.

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In Ogden, Utah, in October, Adam Manning, 30, accompanied his pregnant girlfriend to the McKay-Dee Hospital emergency room as she was going into labor. According to witnesses, as a nurse attended to the woman, Manning began flirting with her, complimenting the nurse's looks and giving her neck rubs. When Manning then allegedly groped the nurse's breast, she called for security, and Manning was eventually arrested and taken to jail, thus missing the birth of his child.

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Thousands of airline passengers continue to attempt to bring prohibited carry-on items on board. The New York Post reported in September that the Transportation Security Administration had confiscated 123,000 items so far this year from just the three main airports serving New York City. Included were 43 explosives, 1,600 knives, a 10-point deer antler, several fire extinguishers, a tree branch, nunchucks, a grill, a baby alligator, "unwashed adult toys," a gassed-up chain saw and a kitchen sink.

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Andrew Burwitz, 20, was arrested in Appleton, Wis., in November and charged with two drive-by shootings. No one was hit, and the major damage was done to Burwitz's car, in that Burwitz fired the first shot before he remembered to roll down the window.

Happy headline writing, comedy scribes.

A jaw dropping CBS ad. Not a joke. They really aired this

CBS Cares. This aired on How I Met Your Mother.


Watch CBS Videos Online

Hanukkah in Santa Monica

Hanukkah (however the hell you spell it) begins tonight. What better way to celebrate than with a traditional Hanukkah song? Here's HANUKKAH IN SANTA MONICA by the brilliant Tom Lehrer.

Am I related to Chuck Lorre?

Aloha from Hawaii. It’s Friday Question Day, even observed here on the islands.

Sacul wonders:

I always like to read the credits on my fave shows. Are any of the Levines (or Lorre) related to you or each other?

Nope. Not related to Chuck Lorre (Levine is his real last name), Laura Levine, Emily Levine, or actor Kenny Levine. I wish I was related to Chuck’s money though.

Scott Siegel is looking for dish:

Did you and David ever have a no-holds-bar disagreement about the direction of a script?

We’ve argued but it never got personal. Usually if one of us can’t convince the other we’ll just back away from the issue and try something else entirely. You can’t make somebody write in a direction they don’t believe in. Try it. It’s torture and the results are never productive.

As with jokes, we’ve found that it’s easier and faster to just come up with a completely new one rather than to argue for a half hour and ultimately one of the partners is pissed.

Three keys to a good partnership: You respect and value the other’s opinion. You don’t take arguments personally. You both have cars so you can give the other rides when his car is in the shop. The first two you might be able to live without.

From Terry Collier:

In Frasier, I love David Hyde Pierce and his choice of reactions to comments. So often, it's his reaction that makes the joke. The same with watching him do more physical comedy, such as falling. How much of that is written in the script, and how much is his choice?

Sometimes a reaction is written in because it’s key to his motivation to do something or another. But most of the time we just left David to his own devices. I can’t tell you how many times he saved our bacon by making lines and moments work that really shouldn’t have. As I’ve said before, of all the comic actors I’ve had the privilege of working with, David Hyde Pierce is the best. And here’s the thing, I’m sure there’s a lot of technique and craft going on in there but he makes it all seem absolutely effortless. I just marvel.

Richard Y asks:

Of all your pitches you and you and your partner prepared were there any that were not accepted that were more serious in nature or at least partially? Such as doctor (besides M*A*S*H and Becker), lawyer firefighters, police type shows?

We never pitched an hour series so no in that regard. There were some MASH pitches that we all decided in the room might be a little too dramatic. “Hawkeye killing everybody” and stuff like that. We tended to table that for Hawkeye throws a party.

And then there’s the spec screenplay I wrote about nine years ago that was strictly a drama. We were represented by one of the major tenpercenteries (I love that expression) and I called my agents to tell them about my new project. They were very excited. I then mentioned it was a drama, not a comedy.

Silence on the phone. For thirty seconds. You could hear crickets.

Their lack of enthusiasm was palpable. One said, “Well, why’d you go and do THAT?” I suggested that maybe I’m more than just a comedy writer and the other agent said, “Yeah, but that’s what you SELL.” A month later we left the agency.

And finally, from Rory L. Aronsky:

When you directed "Becker," how many scene transitions were available to use? Obviously you had to hew to daytime or nighttime scenes, but did you have free reign to choose what you wanted, or did they have a set list so that, say, one that appeared in an episode before yours wasn't used again in your episode?

If you mean those stylized transitions between scenes I never concerned myself with them once. That was all post-production magic. I assume show runner Dave Hackel, line producer Tim Berry, and editor Darryl Bates made those decisions. I never even knew how many transitions there were or exactly what they were. I’m sure there’s some BECKER fanatic out there somewhere who has kept track of what transition was used when and he’ll sell his Guide to BECKER Transitions book before I’ll sell one of mine.

Leave your question in the comments section. Mahalo.

Our casting nightmare Part III

More on our snake-bitten CHARACTERS pilot for NBC in 1979.

Okay, we cast the girl. Maggie Roswell. But now we needed the guy who would be her comedy partner. Details of the pilot premise here.

As with the girl, we saw a bunch of guys – some incredibly talented – and Matriarch nixed them all. After she shit all over the screen tests she gave us the name of the couple she wanted. The actress was Ms. Broadway and the guy was an emerging LA actor. Did we like them? Her for sure. Him, it was hard to tell from his reel. But at that point we would have taken Trigger if he weren’t stuffed.

We fly Ms. Broadway out to LA, spend a delightful day trying to cajole her into doing our pilot. She was leaning against it but said she’d mull it over. Back to NY she flew to star in her Broadway play the next night.

We inquired about the guy. His agent said he wasn’t interested. He had just had a bad experience with a pilot and didn’t want to do a series at the moment.

We reported this back to Matriarch who screamed at us again. “You’re producers! Convince him! He’s the only one I’ll approve!” and again she slammed down the phone.

So we call the agent again and arrange a dinner with the actor. For four hours we reassure him that this pilot experience would not be like his previous one, that we are straight-shooter and he can trust us. Eventually, he gives in and says he’d do it – but only because we seemed to have the integrity the other producers lacked.

The next day business affairs and his agent begin negotiating the deal.

Meanwhile… Ms. Broadway is still on the fence. One of her concerns was who would her co-star be? Matriarch messengers over a tape of the actor. Ms. Broadway doesn’t like him.

So right in the middle of negotiations NBC pulls their approval and the deal is dead. To this day I am mortified. You live and learn. Today if that happened I call Matriarch and tell her she can take the pilot and shove it right up her ass. Either the actor is approved or we walk.

But then we were young and green. And stupid. A day later Ms. Broadway decides to pass.

So now we have neither.

Matriarch’s next choice is Jeff Altman. Nice guy, talented, but not right for this role. We pass. She slams down the phone again. Altman then gets cast in another NBC pilot that becomes PINK LADY AND JEFF. That show gets picked up instead of ours. A girl singing group from Japan (unknown to American audiences) that spoke broken English singing bad cover versions of Donny Osmond songs and doing comedy skits with Jeff Altman. It was a super train wreck (as opposed to SUPERTRAIN wreck, which was also picked up).

Finally, we catch a break. Philip Charles MacKenzie (pictured: above) walks into our office. He’s PERFECT. So perfect that even Matriarch has to approve him.

Does he look familiar CHEERS fans? Yep, he played the fiance in the Coach's daughter. Originally another actor played that role but didn't work out. I suggested Philip. He came in with only one day to rehearse and just nailed it. Philip is now a very successful director.

Two more roles to go. Stay tuned for more chapters.

By the way, three years after this pilot David and I sign on to produce the first season of CHEERS. At the first table reading NBC President Brandon Tartikoff takes us aside and says, “You know, you guys were right about Andrea Martin.”

We almost kissed him.

RABBI SCHLOMO RABINOWITZ: CRIME FIGHTER

People ask why don’t I branch out into hour television. I tell them I’m certainly open to the prospect but need just the right vehicle. And finally I’ve found it. Don’t steal this now. I’ll be pitching the major networks and NBC when I get home from Hawaii.

It’s a police drama inspired from an article I read recently in the New York Times. Apparently the police department in Helena, Montana, in an attempt to acquire a bomb sniffing dog discovered that instead of resorting to the huge cost of training one, they could just buy an Israeli bomb sniffing dog. They have a surplus over there (I mention it just in case you haven’t done your Christmas shopping). So a dog was shipped out to Helena, but they discovered one problem. It had been trained in Hebrew. It only answered to Hebrew commands. And even phonetically, Montana’s Finest had trouble getting across their wishes. Not many folks in Tel Aviv speak Hebrew with a drawl.

So they enlisted the help of one of the three rabbis in the town (who also happens to be Orthodox and dresses in traditional 18th Century clothing). He’s now their canine translator and has also been put on retainer.

And that’s my show, dear readers. RABBI SCHLOMO RABINOWITZ: CRIME FIGHTER. It’s like NUMB3RS but with a Hasidic Jew. Every week he’ll walk the mean streets of Helena with his trusty bomb sniffing dog, Farfel. Hopefully there won’t be any crimes on Friday night or Saturday because that’s the Sabbath. But all other times, he is an in-your-face, take-no-prisoners, bad-ass dude.

Gotta go. I need to prepare my pitch and check Alan Arkin’s availability.

RABBI SCHLOMO RABINOWITZ: CRIME FIGHTER – Fridays at 10 (no wait, it can’t be on Friday night) Thursdays at 10 on CBS.

The Hour of Not Quite Rain

Here's another excerpt from my book about growing up in the 60s. It's 1967, the summer of love in Los Angeles.

In the spirit of freedom and “do your own thing” KHJ radio devised an ingenious contest. Listeners were invited to send in original song lyrics and the winning entry would be put to music and appear on the next Buffalo Springfield album. Every hour the Bossjocks read another finalist. Ohmygod, they were terrible! Sophomoric, overwrought, just loaded with pungent imagery that made zero sense. The jocks would read them very straight over sappy music. I would roar with laughter every hour. But what do you expect? These were 13-year-olds composing this stuff. And many followed the current trend of trying to simulate the free association of a drug trip, which I suppose gave them license to abandon coherent thoughts and poetry in favor of Mad Libs.

Micki Callen was the winner with her haunting if not mystifying ballad, “The Hour of Not Quite Rain”.

In the hour of not quite rain
When the fog was fingertip high
The moon hung suspended
In a singular sky

Deeply and beyond seeing
Not wishing to intrude
Bathed in its own reflection
The water mirrored the moon

The tumbling birds have now sobered
From the leaves of their nursery
Like shadowy, quiet children
Watching sleepily

What???

She beat out 15,000 entries. Micki, if you're out there, I'd love to hear your story on this.

Anyway, here it is. Take some acid and click play.

The casting nightmare continues

Welcome back to hell. Yesterday I explained how we wanted Andrea Martin for the lead in our 1979 NBC pilot CHARACTERS and the network casting VP, "Matriarch" wanted Toni Tennille.

The pilot was greenlit in February, scheduled to film in April, and be in consideration for NBC’s fall line-up. But these casting impasses forced us to push back to October. The rippling effect of problems that caused will be the subject of another grisly chapter.

For these screen tests we had to hire a full crew, build make-shift sets, and have a DGA director direct it. The budget for our little show was hemorrhaging. The director we had hired for the pilot was busy directing something else the day of the test so we had to hire a different director, someone we had never met. He proved to be a charming guy and did a terrific job.

We wrote a new scene for the test. We didn’t want Matriarch to hate everybody just because she’s already not laughed at the scene thirty times.

We assembled twelve actors, put them in six teams and filmed the screen tests. It took all day.

Ultimately, this was a pointless exercise because Matriarch hated everybody. Andrea had no shot. A couple others were discarded because they looked too “ethnic” (read: Jewish).

Now what?

There was a Broadway actress Matriarch liked. We should get her. We saw her tape and liked her too. But she was the toast of Broadway and didn’t want to do a series. I don't blame her. That wasted a month.

Time was running out. We had seen practically everybody.

Begrudgingly, Matriarch said we could test the girl she hated the least and one that we wanted. We would meet at NBC at 4:00 Thursday in a rehearsal hall; each actress would audition and one of the two would be chosen.

The morning of the tests we get a call from Matriarch’s assistant. There will be another final candidate – this actress from New York. We had seen her in New York and hated her. But she was a friend of Woody Allen’s and had him call Matriarch on her behalf. Matriarch was all excited that Woody Allen called her personally so she agreed to fly her out from New York.

We were furious. There was no way we were going to do the show with this lox. She was TERRIBLE. But we had to at least go through the motions.

At 2:00 we get another call from Matriarch’s assistant. Matriarch will only be available for fifteen minutes so can only see two candidates, not three. Guess which one got bumped? Yep. Our candidate.

We go to NBC. Woody Allen’s actress reads first and is appallingly bad. Even Matriarch is stunned. Candidate number two, Maggie Roswell reads and does a lovely job. And following Woody’s trainwreck she was absolutely Lucy.

Since Maggie (pictured above) was one of the six we had approved we were thrilled to have her. (She even looked a little like our prototype -- Gilda Radner.) And she rewarded us by doing a great job on the pilot. Maggie later went on to do character voices for THE SIMPSONS for quite a few years.

And that's just one part. There were three others.

Stay tuned for more horror stories on the snake-bitten project called CHARACTERS.

Andrea Martin and Toni Tennille vie for the same role

This is sort of a follow-up to a post from last week when I mentioned that we wanted to cast Andrea Martin in a pilot and the network nixed it. They wanted Toni Tennille instead. This will be the first in a series of stories about this ill-fated project that I will sprinkle in over the next few weeks. I can’t write them all at once. I’ll have Viet Nam flashbacks.

Today I’ll just focus on casting.

The year was 1979. The project was called CHARACTERS. And the network was NBC (back when they were a network).

The premise was simple (at least initially). I had read a book called SOMETHING WONDERFUL RIGHT AWAY about the formation of the improv group SECOND CITY. From their original members came Mike Nichols & Elaine May. When the two of them did scenes together it was magic. Eventually they became a very successful comedy team for a number of years. My partner David and I thought a good idea for a series would be a contemporary Nichols & May – two young members of an improv troupe who team up. Since we believe that all good shows need a definite theme, ours was “can two people who are attracted to each other work together strictly as friends?” This was years before WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, by the way.

We pitched it to NBC. They liked it but wondered, what if she has a boyfriend? Then it could be kind of a triangle relationship. This was a little different than what we planned but okay. We were young and just wanted a sale. Here’s what we found out later: One of the big development honchos had just read SEMI-TOUGH, which had a triangle relationship in it. So the word went out – we want a SEMI-TOUGH. That’s how a football themed piece became an improv group piece.

We wrote the script and got the greenlight to make it. Now came casting. David and I had never done casting before. On MASH, executive producer Burt Metcalfe (himself a former actor and casting director) handled all of that. We had enough to worry about with what dress looked best on Klinger?

We met with head of casting for NBC – let’s just call her “Matriarch”. I think her first casting assignment was RICHARD III for Shakespeare. We told her our prototypes were Dan Aykroyd and Gilda Radner. From day one she hated us; I don’t know why. Maybe because we were then very young and inexperienced, maybe she just hated the project; I never found out. But she was not an ally.

We hired our MASH casting director, read a bunch of people, found ones we thought were good, and ran their names by Matriarch. She hated all of them. Unilaterally. The last thing she said to us was “Keep looking!” and slammed down the phone.

We decided to try our luck in New York, maybe find some new faces. In two days we read every actor and waiter in Manhattan.

Side note: Neither David nor I are big soap opera fans. These big soap opera stars would come in to read for us and just stand in the doorway as if to say, “Yep. That’s right. It’s me. In person.” We didn’t know who the fuck they were. This did not sit well with them.

Anyway, we found more worthy candidates and put them on tape, using just a black-and-white camcorder in the office. Nothing fancy. No real screen test.

The actress we were highest on was Andrea Martin. She came out of the Toronto chapter of SECOND CITY and currently was in SCTV (that brilliant sketch comedy show -- now available on DVD). We brought the tape back to Burbank and Matriarch just hated her. Loathed her. Wanted her killed. Matriarch also crushed us for bringing her black-and-white screen tests.

Finally, we asked who she saw in the role and she said Toni Tennille. After picking ourselves off the floor, we took NBC prez Brandon Tartikoff aside and said this is ridiculous. She's a marvelous singer but if we were doing a biopic on the Captain & Tennille there are still probably better actresses to play Toni than Toni Tennille. He agreed that was an odd choice.

We left it like this: we could fly some people out here and do real screen tests and then make our final decision.

Part two tomorrow: the screen tests and ultimate resolution.

What to get the person who has everything and is weird?

Here are a couple of fabulous Christmas gift ideas.

Tired of having to buy those $.49 rolls of toilet paper? Now for only $800 you can get a new state-of-the-art computerized toilet seat. With the push of a button on your handy remote, your caboose will get washed and dried while you remain seated in luxury on your heated toilet seat.

I’m not kidding.

It’s perfect for really lazy people or Captain Hook.

Developed in Japan (where else?), presenting the SWASH 800. And here’s my favorite feature: re the spray that shoots up to clean you, there’s a single “For Him” button that says “back” and “For Her” there are two buttons, one for “back” and the other for “front”. The dryer feature works for all.

Soon there will be a model for writers with a button labeled “agent”. Push that and smoke will come up your ass.

And for all you LOST IN SPACE fans, you can now purchase your own full size robot. The third season version (which we ALL know was the best!).

Here are some of the features it comes with:

Acrylic bubble based on the existing original.
- Laser cut steel brain with polished stainless steel top cover and crown.
- CNC machined light rod ends brain cup and neck bracket.
- Accurate acrylic collar & vents, hand formed based on the original jigs used.
- Torso based on the original stone molds.
- Welded steel torso hooks.
- Laser cut aluminum bezel with engraved acrylic chest buttons.
- Machined & clear anodized aluminum microphone with stainless steel screen.
- Actual Dialight sockets and Lens (not reproductions!)
- Hundreds of individual parts fabricated from Fiberglass, acrylic, aluminum, steel, etc.
- All metal tread sections, knee plates and hinges.
- Real rubber tread belts, knee bellows, leg bellows, arms & neck bellows.
- 32 machined aluminum wheels with v-groove.

And wait! There's MORE! Dick Tufeld, the original voice of the robot has recorded 500 tracks.

Again, this is not a joke. This item is really for sale. Here's the link.

And for how much you ask? A pittance! A mere $24,500. That’s right. Just $24,500. Why, it’s like they’re GIVING THEM AWAY.

The only thing is, check the small print. No single guy who purchases one of these authentic LOST IN SPACE full sized robots will ever get laid again.

“Danger, Norbert Schleppleman!”

Great Vin Scully calls

Vin Scully will be back in the booth calling Dodger baseball for the 61st season.

Thanks to Rob Adams here are some classic Vin Scully calls.

My favorite Dharma

There always seems to be a raging debate whenever I bring up Jenna Elfman. As you know, I'm a fan. Here's an example of why; an episode I directed her in. I think she's very funny, regardless of what whacko religion she believes in.

Of the DHARMA & GREGS I directed (helmed, megged), this is my favorite. A truly novel idea for a story. It was also fun going to San Francisco and filming the crowd scene. I had scaffolding and a hundred extras and sixty-two guys on walkie-talkies. Now THAT'S what I call directing!

Were there subplots on MASH you didn't know about?

Aloha from Hawaii. Taking a break from surfing those 100 foot waves to answer a Friday question or three.

From Charlotte:

I've been hearing this as a rumor for decades, that there was a C storyline written into every episode of M*A*S*H specifically so that it could be cleanly cut out to shorten the episodes for syndication without affecting the A and B storylines. People have been telling me my whole life, big a M*A*S*H fan as I am, that there are actually whole, complete storylines I've never seen because I've only ever watched the show in reruns. Is this true, Ken?

No. The shows were edited (a nice word for "hacked") for syndication but there were never pre-designed storylines for them to lift. So instead they just cut and trimmed whatever they wanted, sometimes leaving stories incomprehensible. If you're a MASH fan I suggest you watch the DVD's for the original versions. And a great new book is just out called "TV's MASH: THE ULTIMATE GUIDE BOOK" by Ed Solomonson & Mark O'Neill. It is 818 pages and has more stuff in there about MASH than anyone would ever want to know.

Mary Stella asks:

During last week's three hour commercial for Macy's and NBC, aka the parade, Al Roker interviewed several stars of NBC shows. One guy from a sitcom was markedly unfunny, even though he tried to be. When casting for a sitcom, do you try to find actors who are also naturally funny off-script or do you just need ones who can act with the comic timing, etc.?

Not all producers look for the same things but when I cast, first and foremost, I look for FUNNY people. Some people just have a natural gift or they have a funny look or voice or gait. The OFFICE and MODERN FAMILY are two perfectly cast shows in my estimation. Just looking at the cast photos you smile.

And I go for funny over good-looking. It’s amazing how much more attractive someone becomes if they can make you laugh. A great comparison of funny vs. attractiveness is the British and American versions of COUPLING. The U.K. cast is a little quirky, weird, goofy and brilliant. The U.S. cast was a J. Crew ad.

I don’t care if my cast members are good guests on talk shows. We’ll write them funny things to say. And if they want to go on THE VIEW, well, they can’t say I didn’t warn them.

blogward asks:

Today I will be attending a preliminary audition for Britain's Got Talent (my son signed me up). Do you have any suggestions for how to make the best impression on the 3rd AD who I will be trying to impress?

Wear a schlumpy house dress and sing “I Dreamed a Dream”. If that doesn’t work, sleep with somebody. Good luck. If you make it through let us know. I’d like to become the official blog of BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.

From Rick Whelan

Whatever happened to your planned movie about the Brill building geniuses (like Ellie Greenwich)who wrote most of the rock 'n roll songs of the early 60s? I'd love to see their story told!

It wasn’t a movie. It was a planned musical. There had been several movies in development on the Brill Building but they never got off the ground. There was a 1996 film called GRACE OF MY HEART starring Illeana Douglas as sort of a Carole King character but that movie strayed from reality to the point where it could have been a western.

Having now co-written the book for a produced musical I see how incredibly hard it is to get one of these things mounted. Especially if you don’t have investors going in. Imagine writing a spec screenplay that would cost as much as AVATAR to produce. Good luck selling it. That’s how it is with a spec musical.

I’d still like to do the project one day. I have a rough outline and know just where the story is going. If someone out there has a few millions and is looking to be a Broadway producer, give me a call.

Okay, the Banzai Pipeline seems gnarly enough to surf. Gotta go. Leave your questions in the comments section. Mahalo.

Filming in Hawaii

Off to Hawaii where so many great television shows have been filmed. It’s not just BIG WAVE DAVE’S. There have been others. Speaking of “others”, LOST films there. They’re probably close to concluding the series. If I see a giant blinding light and suddenly I’m in 1945 I’ll know why.

But you forget how many great shows were filmed in America’s 50th state. I’m pretty sure HAWAII FIVE-O. And from the 50s, HAWAIIAN EYE.

But that’s just the tip of the tropical iceberg.

These other great shows went before the cameras in Hawaii:

AVERAGE JOE: HAWAII
THE NEW GIDGET
SURF GIRLS
BAYWATCH HAWAIIAN WEDDING
MOOLAH BEACH
BRITNEY IN HAWAII
JOHNNY TSUNAMI
TOO RICH: THE SECRET LIFE OF DORIS DUKES
CROWFOOT
LEGEND OF THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES
LAVA AND LIFE
TRENCHCOAT IN PARADISE
TARZAN IN MANHATTAN
ISLANDS OF THE FIRE GODDESS
THE WALLY AMOS HAPPINESS HOUR
WAR AND REMEMBRANCE
YUKI SAITO SPECIAL
MAUI JAIL BREAK
Oh yeah, and something called MAGNUM P.I.

When we did BIG WAVE DAVE’S in 1993 we did it as a multi-camera show on the Paramount lot. But the plan was, should the show become a big hit we would actually film it in Hawaii. I remember we had some preliminary discussions about what it would cost, converting a sound stage, building bleachers and sound and video booths, how many camera crews we would have to import, etc.

And then we realized, this is stupid! We’d still be inside, shooting on a dark sound stage. Who moves their entire production to Hawaii just to be filming indoors in a giant barn with no windows?

That would have been a colossal waste of money. Fortunately, CBS was looking out for us and cancelled the show before we could make such a faux pas. Thanks again, guys.

So now the Levine clan is off once again to Maui, where I can honestly say it is just as beautiful in real life as it is in HD.

Aloha.

The Tiger Woods Car Crash -- Taiwanese re-enactment.

There's Tiger's story and TMZ's story. You decide.

This is from a Taiwanese news show. It's pretty damn definitive if you ask me.

Stars I claim to have discovered even though I really didn't

Anyone who has been producing TV series for any length of time will have similar stories. They can look back at actors they worked with or hired that since became big names. Here are some of mine.

Shelley Long – played a nurse once in MASH when I was there. I don’t remember much except she looked very cute in army fatigues.

Rita Wilson – same thing. Also cute in army fatigues. Worked with her again when she starred in VOLUNTEERS. Amazingly, she remembered me. I looked awful in army fatigues.

Katey Segal – From one of Bette Midler’s Harlettes to a series regular on the MARY SHOW. We knew from day one that she’d become a star. And that’s without even hearing her sing.

Leah Remini – She played one of Carla’s many daughters on CHEERS. One of my favorite episodes (written by me and David) was “Loathe & Marriage” from the final season where Leah’s character gets married. I also directed her in FIRED UP. She was funny before she was even old enough to drive.

Tim Busfield – He’ll probably cringe but one of his first acting jobs was playing a patient on AfterMASH. Yes, it was, Tim, don't deny it.

James Cromwell – Okay, he wasn’t an unknown when I worked with him but he wasn’t on anyone’s A-List either. He was pretty much a character actor who bounced around. I knew him as Jamie then. We used him on an episode of MASH as a real goofball. Couldn’t quite tell from that role that he’d go on to be nominated for an Oscar. By the way, did you know he was in both BABE and THE BABE?

David Letterman – did a cameo on an OPEN ALL NIGHT we were involved with.

Maggie Lawson – You love her on PSYCH. I’ve loved her since writing and directing IT’S ALL RELATIVE.

David Ogden Stiers – Before he became Charles Winchester on MASH he was talk-show host Robert W. Cleaver on a TONY RANDALL SHOW David and I wrote. That was the episode that got huge laughs during rehearsal but silence during the filming. Later we learned that the bussed in audience spoke no English.

Annette O’Toole – had a small role on a TONY RANDALL SHOW. Tony didn’t like her at first. By show night he was pleading with us to bring her back. The English speaking audience loved her too although I must say she was beautiful in any language.

Lisa Kudrow – Did an episode of CHEERS. Very funny even in a small role. I was not surprised. She went to Taft High in Woodland Hills.

Sanaa Lathan – Directed her in LATELINE. I must’ve given her great notes on that three-page scene because she went on to become a movie queen. I went on to write a blog.

Willie Garson – Directed him in the stellar ASK HARRIET. When that show got cancelled he was free to take another assignment – SEX IN THE CITY. He’s now a regular on WHITE COLLAR.

Julie Benz – Another ASK HARRIET alum I directed. Currently she’s married to DEXTER. You can certainly understand the attraction considering she was also in SAW V.

Robert Pastorelli – Later to be a stalwart of MURPHY BROWN, but his greatest role was for us on the MARY show. He played sandwich guy, Mr. Yummy.

Jenna Elfmann – first cast in an ALMOST PERFECT as a whack-job secretary. She had no experience at the time and we knew it was a risk but there was something just so damn special about her. She killed in front of the audience. If ever there was someone I knew was going to make it besides Katey Segal it was Jenna.

And before I slap myself on the back too much for being such a great judge of talent, here are a few of the people I didn’t cast who once came in to read:

Martin Short, Kathy Bates, William H. Macy, Jane Lynch, Tea Leoni, Don Johnson, and Andrea Martin (although that was the network’s fault; we wanted her. They wanted Toni Tennille. Don't ask.),