Saturday, December 12, 2009

YOU supply the headlines

From time to time I like to present audience participation posts. These are actual news stories that just cry out for headlines. Have at 'em, dear readers. Leave them in the comments section. And as always, thanks for playing.


Among the health-insurance upgrades demanded by Philadelphia-area transit workers and agreed to by the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority in November was removal of the 10-tablet-per-month rationing of Viagra and similar medications, to allow as many as 30 per month (according to a Philadelphia Daily News report). (The final contract, reportedly even more beneficial to the union, was being voted on by union members at press time.)


When police in Brimfield, Ohio, stopped Jaime Aguirre, 42, for a traffic violation in October, they found some conventional photos of nude and near-nude women, but were especially surprised at a stash of x-rays and mammograms, which they supposed came from Aguirre's job as technician at an imaging center in Tiffin, Ohio. The Brimfield police chief said he believed the stash was used by Aguirre for sexual gratification, and since some of the x-rays and mammograms were of girls under the age of 18, Aguirre was charged with possession of child pornography.


In Ogden, Utah, in October, Adam Manning, 30, accompanied his pregnant girlfriend to the McKay-Dee Hospital emergency room as she was going into labor. According to witnesses, as a nurse attended to the woman, Manning began flirting with her, complimenting the nurse's looks and giving her neck rubs. When Manning then allegedly groped the nurse's breast, she called for security, and Manning was eventually arrested and taken to jail, thus missing the birth of his child.


Thousands of airline passengers continue to attempt to bring prohibited carry-on items on board. The New York Post reported in September that the Transportation Security Administration had confiscated 123,000 items so far this year from just the three main airports serving New York City. Included were 43 explosives, 1,600 knives, a 10-point deer antler, several fire extinguishers, a tree branch, nunchucks, a grill, a baby alligator, "unwashed adult toys," a gassed-up chain saw and a kitchen sink.


Andrew Burwitz, 20, was arrested in Appleton, Wis., in November and charged with two drive-by shootings. No one was hit, and the major damage was done to Burwitz's car, in that Burwitz fired the first shot before he remembered to roll down the window.

Happy headline writing, comedy scribes.


Unknown said...

Transit Workers Drive "Hard" Bargain.

It's What's Inside That Counts for Unusual Porn Collector

Dad Misses Birth Over Attempt to Make Second Child

As Long As They're Clean, You're Clear to Board

In Case of Delinquency, Break Glass

Anonymous said...

hi.. just dropping by here... have a nice day!

DougJ said...

Ditz Burwitz blows window to bitz in attempted hitz.

DougJ said...

Philly transit workers sing the blues over contract.

john brown said...

Union Benefits Extended

Manning's Pass Incomplete

Julian said...

'Beauty more than skin deep' police allege

emily said...






Anonymous said...

Transit Workers Win Hard One!

Debby G said...

Ohio Man Found Jonesing for Bones

Origin Discovered of Slang Term "Boner"

New Pickup Line: Hey Nursy, what Are You Doing After You Deliver My Baby?

Adam Manning Awarded Nobel Prize in Animal Science for Proving Once and For All That Men Are Pigs

Police Now Realize that "Adam Manning," Arrested in October, Was Alias Used by Tiger Woods

NSA Workers Protest Christmas Bonuses of Knives and Grilled Alligator Bits; Ask Instead for Daily Viagra

Cap'n Bob said...

Union Members on the Rise.

Mark Murphy said...

Call Your Doctor If Train Delay Lasts More Than 4 Hours

X-Rays of Defendant's Brain Show Nothing

How I Mortified Your Mother

Unfortunately, the 3 French Hens Got Past Them

The Good News: He Has Endorsement Deal With Windex

Susan said...

Transit Workers May Come Daily

Sandy Koufax said...

Phizer is no miser with favorite blue pill.

Jim Stickford said...

Union contract Lifts Wokers

Arrest of boob leads to stolen x-rays

Clueless Man Allowed to Breed

Feds confiscate Cliche at Airport

Do-it-yourself-Gangster Regrets Frugality

Jim Stickford said...

Correction: Headline should read "Arrest of boob leads to stolen mammograms"

Tom K Mason said...

Union Boners May Delay Morning Commute

Sex-Ray Tech Nipped In Mammo Grand Theft

Man Delivers Grope To Maternity Nurse

Hatfields and McCoys Take First Airplane Ride

Local Car Outwits Carjacker

DwWashburn said...

Aguirre bones on bones

Baylink said...

I'm voting for Troy; he seems to have the hed-line nature.

acest: having sex with letters.

Wayne said...

Transit Workers Seek Help Entering Tunnels

Louise said...

Philadelphia transit worker," Look no hands!"

with thanks to my better half, Ross Angus

Grubber said...

Well for the first story, two spring to mind:

Philly Transit Workers Wives Protest Against Planned Changes to Award.

Tiger Woods Plans to become a Philly Transit Worker.

MadAsHell said...

Stiff raise in Septa contract

Perv wanted to jump her bones

Irresistible Big Mam at McKay-Dee's

Nun chucks nunchucks, gets on plane

Drive-and-Shoot downside discovered

VP81955 said...

More Viagra for Philly transit workers:

"Taking the el on the Broad Street Line'

(As a former Philadelphia-are resident, I know that prostitution is rampant near the eastern end of the Market-Frankford El, so I guess SEPTA wants to make sure its workers are ready. Although increasing the supply of condoms would have been wiser...and safer.)

Will Teullive said...

Tables are not only turned but lifted with no hands as labor stiffs management in contract talks

Lab technician caught checking for lumps now about to take his lumps in jail

Pervert tries to breast feed and misses child’s birth

Depressed Wisconsin man said it was “too cold” for proper drive-by, says he will move to Los Angeles

Bob Summers said...

Transit Workers Can Stick It to Anyone

Traffic Stop Yields More Boobs than Hooters, Including Suspect

Man Fondles Nurse, Has Baby Same Night

Use That Kitchen Sink to Wash Adult Toys Before Boarding

Clean Window Means Clear Ecidence in Shooting

or Lower your window before you unload your gun. CBS cares.

Local Man Pulls Drive By on Self

Charles H. Bryan said...

Union improves ability to improve union

Pervert, yes; superficial, no

Man arrested for groping delivery nurse; blames 'bad Lamaze training'

TSA to become eBay Super Seller

Appleton man's unusual car insurance claim denied

Steve said...

New Contract Makes Work Harder on a Daily Basis

Delivery Room - The New Pick Up Bar

123,000 Reasons You're Late for Your Flight

In Case of Drive-By, Break Glass

Anonymous said... ----->

Unknown said...

So let me get this straight - x-ray pictures of children are considered child pornography, because the police "guesses" he uses them to pleasure himself?

That's so idiotic I would be to embarrassed to even write an article about it, let alone a headline.

Better get rid of your dog's x-rays as soon as possible, you don't want to be charged of beastiality...