The NBA All-Star Game -- what a joke

Tonight’s the NBA All-Star Game, held this year in Los Angeles. There are something like 85 teams in the NBA, which is why it’s been seven whole years since the last NBA All-Star Game in Los Angeles. In Major League baseball, where they truly do rotate the honor around, Los Angeles last hosted an All-Star Game in 1980.

But the NBA doesn’t give a shit about rewarding its local fans in places like Milwaukee. All they care about is boosting ratings, improving their image, and being seen with stars. The last time Milwaukee hosted the All-Star Game was 1977. Jimmy Carter was still president. LA has had it three times since. Hell, Las Vegas hosted the NBA All-Star Game in 2007 and they don’t even have a team. Meanwhile, Sacramento has had a team for 25 years and they’ve never hosted an All-Star Game. Good luck Toronto, Memphis, and Oklahoma City. You better hope that Mike Tyson moves there.

The big attraction of Los Angeles of course is its tie-in with Hollywood. God forbid the NBA tries to attract an audience with just its product. The NBA All-Star Game is your chance to watch the greatest basketball players in the world play 48 minutes of no defense. Final score will be 149-147. And I guarantee there won’t be an over-time. Too many parties for the players to get to.

Here’s my favorite quote: Jim Kahler, a former Cleveland Cavaliers executive who now oversees the Center for Sports Administration at Ohio University said, "It's a testament when the motion picture industry is interested in your sport." Oh yeah. What an honor, to be endorsed by the greatest attention whores the world has ever known. I’ll bet if you asked half these stars who just have to be there, to name ten All-Stars besides Kobe Bryant, half wouldn’t be able to do it. “Let’s see there’s LeBron James, Michael Jordan… give me a minute… oh, and that tall guy, Chien-Ming Wang…”

The only real suspense will be which stars get the courtside seats. Ironically, the two celebrities who really are fans and go to every game – Jack Nicholson and Denzel Washington – won’t be there. But Justin Beiber will be. And in the front row. Why? Because he connects with the younger demographic that the NBA is hoping to snare. If Dyan Cannon wants to go I imagine she’ll be up in the upper deck with a seat partially obstructed by the American flag. Oh, and Chinese actress Huang Yi will also be courtside. The NBA wants to grow its brand in China.

And then there’s the music industry. Snoop Dog and Diddy and Bruno Mars will be aboard along with selected others. Hey, it’s not like they can be seen on MTV anymore.

Charlie Sheen is still checking to see if he can rehab in the Staples Center so we don’t know yet whether he’ll be coming.

Doing the seating arrangement for these stars has to be a nightmare. God forbid you have to sit in the third row. And what about all their posses and bodyguards? Where do they sit? Probably the team benches.

The NBA All-Star Game is not a sporting event. It’s another exclusive party that you’re not invited to. It’s entertainment for royalty, a pleasant diversion for the elite. And if you can believe this, some of the stars’ agents actually want the All-Stars to stop by and chat with their clients during halftime. Manu Ginobili needs to pay his respects to capo famiglia, Dustin Hoffman.

Let me know who wins. I’ll be watching U.C. Santa Barbara women’s basketball as they take on Seattle University. I’d rather see parents courtside who really care instead of Chris Tucker and Rob Reiner.

The record offer you can not pass up

In the '70s, one of the big mail order products was compilation albums. A company named K-Tell advertised constantly on late night TV, hawking their oldies albums. Mr. Great Big Radio put together a brilliant parody. Get out your credit card and be ready to call.

What's the craziest storyline ever pitched to CHEERS?

First off, happy birthday to my lovely child bride, Debby. This has been a month long celebration but today is the actual day. Many many more, kiddo!

Time to answer some questions and debunk some myths.

Ed starts us off with a doozy.

What was the craziest storyline the Cheers writers actually considered as a story arc? Cliff/Carla romance/love child? Norm working his way to the top of Lillian?

One of the co-creators was lobbying the first year to have Norm and Cliff buy a circus. I kid you not. For the next ten years, whenever someone pitched something too far-fetched we would always say, “I know the perfect B-Story – Norm and Cliff buy a circus!”


John G has another CHEERS question.

I read the following in the book, "The 101 Habits of Highly Successful Novelists":

"For example [of doing research when writing], the writers for Cheers supposedly hung out in bars and wrote down conversations they'd overhear. This is partly why, I suspect, the dialogue in that show always sounded so spot-on."

How much truth is there to this, Ken?

Well, I did write-off my bar tab for eleven years as a business deduction, but the truth is no, we didn’t all eavesdrop in taverns. Our dialogue was very character specific, although God knows there’s a Cliff in every bar.

But from time to time one of the writers might’ve heard a snippet of dialogue from someone in a bar and that became the springboard for a conversation. I wasn’t in every story meetings. I missed the early morning ones because I was too hung over. Hey, don't give me that look. I got drunk for my art!


From YEKIMI:

Why is it that when the take successful movies and convert them to TV, for the most part, they tend to fail? M*A*S*H* is one of the few off hand that I can think of that made the transition. But others like "Kiss Me Guido", "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" etc. fall flat and are sentenced to oblivion. It seems they flop whether they have the original cast from the movie [or most of them] or completely new people for the TV show. Inquiring minds want to know!

Several reasons spring to mind.

First of all, the BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING TV version was just horrible on every level. But from what I hear (so I can’t guarantee this since thankfully I wasn’t there), star Nia Vardalos apparently made all the creative decisions, and every one was more wrong than the last. But I digress…

Generally, the casts aren’t as good in TV versions of movies. There are exceptions certainly (Alan Alda, Sarah Michelle Gellar to name just two), but take for example CASABLANCA. In the TV version David Soul played the Humphrey Bogart part. ‘Nuff said?

In movies, you have a beginning, middle, and end. You can wrap things up. A successful television series is open-ended. Some movies lend themselves to that transition better than others. THE ODD COUPLE is a premise that could go on and on. But how many days off can FERRIS BUELLER have? And how many final games of the season can the BAD NEWS BEARS win?

Quite often different writers are assigned to the TV adaptation. So different sensibilities and level of talent.

Movie comedies also have different rhythms than sitcoms. Some make the jump easier than others. In the case of MASH, Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds created an entirely different fast-paced style from the movie’s more naturalistic pace. That was a big gamble. If they audience didn’t buy it, the show would have been dead. But they did, and it didn’t hurt that Gelbart’s dialogue was nothing short of brilliant.

And finally, sometimes a movie just captures the zeitgeist of the moment, and by the time it gets to the small screen that zeitgeist is over. Here too, MASH was fortunate. The Viet Nam war was raging on when the TV series premiered. Had the war ended in 1970 (like it should have), MASH would not have felt as relevant.

But take heart television fans. Just as many movies based on successful TV shows have flopped as TV series based on movies. I give you BEWITCHED, BILKO, THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES, THE FLINTSTONES, GET SMART, and LOST IN SPACE, to name but a few. (I’m sure you’ll fill in more. And some of you will call me an idiot for listing your all-time favorite movie in the above list.)

And finally, Amanda wonders:

When you have a comedy scene that's getting a big laugh, do the cameramen ever laugh hard enough to ruin the shot? If that happens too many times, do the cameramen keep their jobs?

It rarely if ever happens. First off, the cameras are mounted, so they won’t jiggle if the operator is having a laughing fit. Secondly, by the time the show is filmed in front of an audience, the cameraman has heard the joke seven times. The camera crew comes in the day before filming and spends the whole day blocking out the show. They hear the dialogue over and over. Then, on show day, there are three hours of fine-tuning, and a dress rehearsal.

The crews will laugh during camera blocking day when they watch the scenes for the first time. In fact, they’re a good barometer. But once it’s show night, they’re so concerned with hitting their marks, listening for line cues, and framing their shots.

And one final point – the crews that work network shows, whether dramas or comedies or live reality shows, are top notch professionals; the very best in the business. As a director, it’s an honor to work with such fine craftsmen. They deserve more credit and recognition than they receive.

What’s your question?

What not to do when writing a pilot

Mitch Hurwitz, the creator of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT and RUNNING WILDE wrote a somewhat facetious article for guardian.co.uk on how to get a sitcom cancelled. He brings out some good points like have a confusing title, hint at incest (always a crowd pleaser), offend minority groups, and not use guest star Liza Minnelli to her full advantage. These are all true, but there’s an added factor he mentions which I think is really key. Don’t overreach story-wise.

I bring this up because agents these days are requiring new writers to submit original material in addition to spec scripts for existing shows. For the most part, that means pilots. This is a complete reversal of policy from ten, fifteen years ago. And it just makes a hard process even harder. It’s like getting into college and suddenly learning that starting this year you must also take Advanced Physics and six semesters of Russian.

Pilots are a bitch to write. They are loaded with traps; traps many experienced writers still fall into (read: me). And a big one is that you do too much, trying to dazzle the reader. This is the warning that Mitch heeds. Do not try to do eight stories in one half-hour pilot. Even if you do it well, and the ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT staff did it as well as any show ever has, it’s difficult for an audience to process. Add to that another sign-of-the-times issue: program lengths are shrinking. Back when I was writing MASH (the Pleistocene Era) we had close to 24 minutes of content. Now it’s under 20. We did two or three stories an episode and even then we thought we were putting ten pounds of show in a five-pound bag. I marvel at how MODERN FAMILY does it under today’s conditions. Their writers room will someday be located at the UCLA Medical Center.

When you write a spec pilot, make the story as straightforward as you can. I don’t mean so linear that we see every step coming a mile away, or so simple that nothing happens. Your story can be clever and original with delightful surprises but make it easy to track.

Remember, in a pilot you’ve got to establish the premise, establish the characters, establish the tone, show where the series is going, and make it funny. And getting laughs is extra hard because the audience is not familiar with the characters. Throw in a confusing story or six stories and the audience is completely lost.

But here’s the good news: You’re not expected to do too much story in a pilot. Your story should just be a dramatic device to introduce all of the above elements. So let it breathe a little. Let your characters just inter-act for a moment or two. Give the audience a few minutes to get to know them.

You might be saying, “Well, I have nine characters. I need three stories so they all have something to do.” To that I say, then lose three characters.


One of my favorite pilots is the one from TAXI. Here’s the premise: the pay phone in the garage is broken and all the cabbies can make free long distance calls (this was before Sprint). As each character uses the phone we learn who they are and what they want. One character, Alex (Judd Hirsch) wants to talk to his daughter in Florida and we discover they’ve been estranged for fifteen years. The cabbies all have opinions on that, informing us even more as to who they are. Ultimately they all drive down from New York for a reunion. There’s suspense. How’s it going to go after fifteen years? SPOILER ALERT: It goes okay.

Simple. Economical. Clever. And taking a tip from Mitch Hurwitz, there’s no incest.

The truth is, when an agent or producer is reading your spec pilot, they’re trying to learn about YOU. Your voice, sensibility, and level of humor. Don’t cloud that by trying to show you can construct SLEUTH in nineteen minutes.

Best of luck. May you too be in a position someday to have your series cancelled.

Rapidly see CEDAR RAPIDS

Went out to see a movie this past weekend. Since it was a comedy, all of the previews were also comedies. The first was about two slackers on a road trip (only the 1000th time that premise has been used) who befriend an alien from outer space. Lots of car crashes, mayhem, tepid one-liners, and the alien speaking jive. Ha ha.  Then a movie about dufus husbands who are allowed a week off to have affairs. It’s directed by the Farrelly Brothers and the trailer is just a string of sex jokes, zany friends, tepid one-liners, and car crashes. And finally, Topher Grace trying to impress some hot girl complete with zany friends, sex jokes, loud party scenes, tepid one-liners, and yes, of course, car crashes.

I was one more trailer away from killing myself. But then, a wondrous thing occurred. A miracle. A divine act of God. How else could you describe it? There, on the screen, for all to see, was a comedy that was actually funny, with humor that grew out of the characters, and a real story, with people you cared about. Imagine a romantic comedy where not one airbag is deployed!

CEDAR RAPIDS is a wonderful little movie. And when it follows typical Hollywood comedy trailers, it gets elevated to the greatest motion picture of all-time.

I can’t recommend it enough. You won’t be rolling in the aisles; it’s not that kind of film. There’s subtlety instead of stunts, grown ups instead of borderline retards, and dialogue even wittier than, “Dude! What the fuck?!” But you will laugh, and you won’t hate yourself for what you're laughing at.

CEDAR RAPIDS stars Ed Helms as a real-life Ned Flanders who travels from a small town in Wisconsin to the angry metropolis of Cedar Rapids to attend an insurance convention. Over the course of the next few days his life is turned upside down, and every value he has will be tested. To me, that sounds more like a valid movie premise than two idiots join up with the Purple People Eater.

I don’t want to say anything more about the plot. Don’t want to give anything away.

I will however, say that everyone in this movie is perfectly cast. From Ed Helms (I’m a huge fan), Ann Heche (great range – can play funny and straight), Sigorney Weaver (best MILF role since Mrs. Robinson), Kurtwood Smith (the Gene Hackman of character actors), Isiah Whitlock Jr. (you could never tell from his work on THE WIRE that he had comic chops), and best of all, John C. Reilly. He is absolutely HILARIOUS in this movie. A breakout role if he hadn’t already broken out.

CEDAR RAPIDS. See it before they remake it with Russell Brand.

Licensing music for sitcoms -- get out your checkbook

Sometimes a reader’s question requires a whole post to answer. This one is from Charlotte.

M*A*S*H provided my first acquaintance with songs like "You're the Top" and "Stormy Weather". I've always heard how expensive it is to license music or even just a song's lyrics for use in a TV show. Were you & the other M*A*S*H writers ever constrained by the cost of music/lyrics? Did you ever put music uses in your 1st draft scripts that you were told to cut for cost? Was it a similar situation in the 80s on CHEERS? Did you & the other writers have to fight to get the music uses you wanted in your scripts approved?

It is expensive to license the use of a song, and sometimes impossible. However, in the ‘70s, there was a different contract for filmed shows and taped shows. It cost way more to license a song for a filmed show like MASH or CHEERS than a taped show like WKRP IN CINCINNATI. Unfortunately, that does not extend to DVD sales. That’s why WKRP had to eliminate songs from their video release.

In many cases you also need permission from the song’s rights owner. That’s why you rarely hear a Bruce Springsteen or Rolling Stones song on a sitcom. On MASH one time we wanted to use a Richard Rogers song. He was notorious for turning down requests. But we got Alan Alda to call him personally. Turns out Rogers was a big fan of the show and happily agreed to let us use his song.  So if you're a showrunner and you need a song that's hard to approve, call Alan Alda. 

Quick side note: Over the course of years so many MASH cast members sang songs in various episodes that one season they put together an album compilation of them and gave that to us as their Christmas present. The year before, we had all received cool engraved MASH watches. Our new story editor came on the next year and was really excited. He couldn’t wait to see what the cast was giving us. When he saw it was a cheesy vinyl album featuring the song stylings of Jamie Farr and Harry Morgan he was PISSED.

Each studio has a catalog of songs they own. And generally, when we need a song we’ll use one of those. I remember Paramount’s included “Moonlight in Vermont”. Kelsey Grammer must’ve sung that damn song five times on different CHEERS and FRASIER episodes.

There have been times that we’ve had to change a song title because the studio couldn’t get the rights or didn’t want to pay that much for the rights. The level of our protest depended upon just how important that particular song was to the story.

On CHEERS we had established that Rebecca’s favorite song was “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling”. When we needed her rich boyfriend to impress her (in the two-part episode “Finally”) we thought it would be great if he hired the Righteous Brothers to come into the bar and serenade her with that song. Bobby Hatfield was unavailable but we did get Bill Medley. In this case we really pressed Paramount for the rights to "Loving Feeling". Having Bill Medley enter the bar and sing “Moonlight in Vermont” just didn’t seem right.

And finally, if a song you write gets used as a theme song for a show you get royalties every time it airs. Paul Anka wrote this innocuous little tune for Annette Funicello in the early ‘60s. The record sold maybe eight copies, but Paul Anka will tell you it’s the greatest song he’s ever written. Why? See if you can recognize it.

Happy Valentine's Day... I guess

This has never been one of my favorite holidays.  It's a day of forced sentiment and horribly over-priced fixed menus.  Also, it's my birthday.  I have generally not had good luck on my birthday.

Here's what happened one year when I was invited to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit party.  You'd think that would be a great night, wouldn't you?  I met Beyonce.  I posed with Brooklyn Decker.  And then this.

Still, that was nothing compared to this birthday celebration.

This year my family is taking me to dinner at Roy's, one of my favorite restaurants.  So stock up on bottled water and the essentials.  A meteor is crashing to earth tonight. 

For today's post, I'm going to take a cue from Hollywood.  For years now, whenever a movie wants to convey a romantic moment, instead of having writers craft a wonderful scene with heart, and emotion, and memorable dialogue they just play the most on-the-nose song their legal department can clear.

So since I don't feel like writing anything particularly romantic, fearing it will veer into extreme schmaltz or bitter hostility, I am instead offering this music video.  The group is the very cool, Best Coast, the title is "When I'm With You", and it's my love song to you. Happy Valentine's Day!

My life from A-Z

One of those dumb personal quizzes circulating the net. I'm admitting things here even my shrink doesn't know. Of course, he doesn't care.

• A-Available/Single? Not according to my wife
• B-Best Friend? My partner. I'd be a lot poorer emotionally and financially without him.
• C-Cake or Pie? I'll have to go with Elvis and say cake.
• D-Drink Of Choice? Makers & ginger ale but only after 7 a.m.
• E-Essential Item You Use Everyday? My Pocket Fisherman.
• F-Favorite Color? Green. They asked me this for the Dewar's ad, too.
• G-Gummy Bears Or Worms? Whichever one is not banned from commercial flights.
• H-Hometown? Los Angeles
• I-Indulgence? Irene Jacob movies even though I can't understand them.• J-January Or February? February. Pitchers and catchers report.
• K-Kids & Their Names? Matt, Annie, and maybe some in Bakersfield.
• L-Life Is Incomplete Without? Laughter.
• M-Marriage Date? July 8. Same date that crime boss Soapy Smith was shot to death in 1898.
• N-Number Of Siblings? 1
• O-Oranges Or Apples? Apple, if we're talking pies or computers. Orange if we're talking Bowls.
• P-Phobias/Fears? Mimes.
• Q-Favorite Quote? Enough is as good as a feast to an idiot.
• R-Reason to Smile? Linda Eder singing
• S-Season? Bob Gaudio
• T-Tag Three or Four People? I don't know four people.
• U-Unknown Fact About Me? I turned down a job at LAUGH-IN
• V-Vegetable you don't like? Pat Robertson
• W-Worst Habit? Sweating the small stuff
• X-X-rays You've Had? Teeth, chest, and what kind of stupid question is that?
• Y-Your Favorite Food? Lobster...but must not still be alive.
• Z-Zodiac Sign? Aquarius man.

More Bad Remakes

Just to follow up today’s post on ARTHUR. For every good TRUE GRIT remake, there seems to be ten bad ones. A reader pointed out MY MAN GODFREY reboot. Off the top of my head, here are a few more. Feel free to add to the list.

THE HEARTBREAK KID
SABRINA
ALFIE
THE JAZZ SINGER (Not Neil Diamond’s best work)
PSYCHO
LOLITA
THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE
PLANET OF THE APES
KING KONG (all nine versions)
THE JACKAL
SHAFT
BREATHLESS
ROLLERBALL
THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (Yes, I know it has Denzel Washington)
TAKING OF PELHAM 1-2-3 (Yes, I know it has Denzel Washington)
CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN (Yes, I know it’s Steve Martin)
THE PINK PANTHER (Yes, I know it’s Steve Martin)
THE OUT OF TOWNERS (Yes, I know it’s Steve Martin)
FAME
THE IN-LAWS
BAD NEWS BEARS
THE GOODBYE GIRL
ANGELS IN THE OUTFIELD
THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL
TWELVE ANGRY MEN
THE TIME MACHINE
THE WOMEN
REAR WINDOW
GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER
BORN YESTERDAY
THE LONGEST YARD
BEDAZZLED
THE STEPFORD WIVES
THE ITALIAN JOB
101 DALMATIONS
THE BLOB (How do you improve on perfection?)

The one movie I will NEVER see

Fans of this blog know how much I love the movie ARTHUR.   Written and directed by the brilliant Steve Gordon, it's a romantic comedy that's actually both.   If you haven't seen it, let that be your Valentine's Day movie.

Hollywood, in its relentless quest to avoid originality for sequels and franchises and remakes is releasing a new version of ARTHUR starring Russell Brand.   Why??   Judging by this trailer, they have sucked out any of the charm and sophistication of the original and replaced it with crass, juvenile, over-the-top slapstick, and incredibly lame jokes.   Not to mention, Russell Brand.

Here's the trailer, and remember, all the very best jokes are in the preview.   Hollywood will tell you they're just updating a classic.  I say they're spitting on the flag.

Rent the original instead of seeing this:

Network interference

TGIQAAD – Thank God it’s Questions and Answers Day.

From Jim S:

I am curious about how decisions are made and you've written extensively on how some, not all, networks suits can make the process of creating a new show every week difficult with their "helpful" suggestions.

I wonder about the other side of the coin. What happens when a showrunner gets a vision of a successful show that just appears bad to everyone else. Heroes after the first season comes to my mind as a show that was hurt by its own producers. Can the suits actually save someone from making a huge mistake?

That’s what networks point to – examples like HEROES. They’ll argue that if they aren’t around to steer the show in the right direction it will go off the rails like HEROES. And in fairness, sometimes they’re right. But more often than not the showrunner has a better grasp on the show he’s writing than executives who have never written a show. And most network notes are of the “safe” variety. Make the characters more likeable. Spell things out over and over again.

Rarely will you hear a network say to a producer, “Take a bigger chance. Really go for it.” They’re usually nervous whenever a showrunner wants to do something very bold. But again, to be fair, just because an idea is bold doesn’t mean it’s necessarily good. And networks have a big financial investment in these shows now.  I imagine there are instances when they save shows from taking really bad turns. I just hate to admit it.

Kyah wonders:

What do you do on days when you're stuck for jokes, or having an off day?

It depends. If you’re on a show and you have to complete the rewrite that night you just suck it up. Take a few breaks. Start riffing on other subjects. Once everyone is laughing, even if it’s over something horribly inappropriate, you start feeling funny again, and the jokes for the actual show start to come.

If you’re just writing a script and you’re not up against a deadline crunch, then just walk away for a few hours.

Relax. Sometimes a way to jump start your brain is to watch some funny videos or a movie you find particularly hilarious. VOLUNTEERS springs to mind for some reason.  Read humorous essays (or blogs, hint hint), go to a comedy club, listen to the comedy channels on XM. Maybe you’ll get lucky and catch Kathleen Madigan.

For me, a great help has always been improv class. Teachers like Andy Goldberg can help you free up your mind, learn to be spontaneous, and all the while you’re having fun.

Finally, this is one of the reasons why it’s good to write in teams. One partner can carry the load on a day the other is just feeling dry. When I write with David Isaacs, often I find that there are days when he’s particularly hot or I’m particularly hot. I really love it when he’s hot.

Every writer is different and every writer develops tricks that seem to help him. But recognize that there are days your mind is molasses. That's normal, it happens to everyone, so just roll with it the best way you can.

Phillip B has a question about ethnicity.

Is it strictly forbidden or just strongly discouraged? At least Lilith got to be Jewish

While many people were complaining that there were no black characters on Happy Days, for example, I was among those wondering how you could portray Milwaukee - then or now - without Polish people. Lenny and Squiggy of Laverne and Shirley were perhaps the most Polish of any characters since the cast of Sgt Bilko -- but it was all subtext.

Can't recall any jokes about Irish Catholics on Cheers, but rich people were usually portrayed as excessively Protestant...

You mean they aren’t?

Certain groups go in and out of favor. In the ‘70s Jews were fashionable. You could have a character like Rhoda. Now I suspect you’d have a hard time getting that character to star in a network sitcom. Of course, in this case, it might be Fran Drescher who killed it for all Jews.

I used to love how Jason Alexander’s character in SEINFELD was so clearly Jewish but they gave him an Italian name. Same with Doris Roberts on EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND. I don’t care that her name was Barone. That was the most Jewish mother on TV since Nancy Walker played Rhoda’s mom.

I know it’s not an ethnicity, but for a long time you rarely saw gay characters. Now they’re in vogue. The Irish Catholics’ day will come.

And finally, Anonymous has a question. Please leave your name.

Do you feel that syndication and the associated editing to put in ad space is killing reruns? I'm specifically wondering about Becker. I used to think it was very good, one of the few shows I made appointments to watch. Now I watch it and find it not funny, with characters issuing one-liners that make no sense why they would say that. I'm wondering if maybe there's been some stuff edited out.

That’s the Faustian contract you make when you go into syndication. The studios and hopefully the creators make a lot of money. But the shows are hacked up to fit in more commercials. Actually, I don’t think BECKER has been that severely compromised. Certainly not as bad as some.

On MASH it’s a different story. Because we had two to three storylines going in every episode and there were a multitude of small scenes, sometimes the edited-for-syndication versions make absolutely no sense. Set-up scenes are gone and you have no idea why characters are acting the way they are. I believe the Hallmark Channel restored them to their original lengths. If so, thank you. The best way… no, the ONLY way, to see MASH is to watch the DVD’s.

What’s your question?

CBS vs. the Smothers Brothers

Here's another excerpt from the book I'm writing about growing up in the '60s. Hopefully, I'll be finished sometime mid-year. The drugs are starting to take effect and I'm beginning to remember 1969 again. But this is an entry from 1967.  It gives a little TV history.

THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS COMEDY HOUR premiered on CBS. Tommy and Dick Smothers rose from the folk music ranks but with a spin. They did comedy. Gentle and wholesome and they still played banjos but comedy nonetheless. CBS figured they’d be the perfect hosts for a variety show geared towards middle-America. Boy, were they wrong.

THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS COMEDY HOUR evolved into the hippest show on television. And later, the most controversial. With young edgy writers like Steve Martin on board, the humor was biting and satiric. Very anti-establishment. Musical guests included Joan Baez, the Doors, Jefferson Airplane, the Who, and for the first time since he was blacklisted in the 50s – Pete Seeger. Seeger caused a huge stir when he sang “Waist Deep in the Big Muddy”, an anti-war song. CBS censored it his first appearance but allowed it his second.

That was just one of many battles between the Smothers Brothers (primarily Tommy, who was the creative force of the show) and network censors. Despite its high ratings, especially among my generation, CBS cancelled the show two years later. If they were on today getting those numbers in the key 18-34 demographic, they could show a snuff film live and still stay on the air.

I loved its subversive humor. So much so that I wrote the Smothers Brothers a letter offering my services as a writer. (I was in high school then and had never written a thing.) I got back an autographed picture. I guess that meant no.

Still, I adored that show and fifteen years later I won my first Writers Guild Award and the presenter was… Tommy Smothers. How cool is that? Now I have two autographed pictures.

I am leaving Dodger Talk

Due to too many conflicts with my Mariners' schedule, I will be stepping down as co-host of Dodger Talk on KABC.  It just isn't fair to the Dodgers or listeners to be gone as much as I would be.  However, there's a strong likelihood that I will continue to contribute to Dodger Talk -- features and whatnot -- so I'm not totally gone.

Leaving is bittersweet.  I will miss a lot of things, but most of all, working with Josh Suchon.  He's truly the best partner a guy could ask for.  People always said how good we sound together, how much we seemed to really like each other.  That's because we genuinely do.  Josh is a great broadcaster and friend.  And knows more baseball than half the team.

The dude who will be replacing me is great.  Joe Block.  Dodger fans will love him.  And he knows more about baseball than the other half of the team.

My sincere thanks to KABC and the Dodgers for the last three years.  And most of all to you listeners.  You guys are truly great.  You know more than the manager.  At least you say you do.  But seriously, you've been incredibly kind and informed and passionate.  I can't thank you enough.  It was a pleasure talking to you every night.

And remember, I'm not going to Rangoon.  If you're at Dodger Stadium this season, look for me.  I'll still be around a lot.

My most difficult character to write for

Recently I spoke at a UCLA writing class and a student asked, “Of all the shows you’ve worked on, which character was the most difficult to write?” I had to really think. Finally, the answer I gave was Fay from WINGS.


But first, understand that I love the actress who played her, Rebecca Schull. She’s both a wonderful person and actor and did a remarkable job with what she had to work with.

But Fay, the character was hard to write for. Why? Because she was so NICE. She was sweet and kind and cheerful and wise, and those traits are all death to a comedy writer.

If you’re writing a sitcom pilot or comedy screenplay, take care when you’re creating characters that you give them flaws. The more, the funnier. They don’t have to be unlikable, but you’ll find you have a lot more comic ammunition if they’re not perfect. They can be vain, selfish, suspicious, cowardly, stingy, forgetful, neurotic, immature, untruthful, love sick, dim, cocky, opinionated, bossy, verbose, jealous, insecure, obsessed, or a hundred other traits.

We’d sit in a WINGS rewrite and need a joke for Fay and be stymied. We had little to draw upon. The best we could do was give her the element of surprise; have her say something unexpected. And if I may say so, I thought the WINGS writers did a fantastic job servicing that character. Fay had a lot of great lines, but it was like pushing a basketball through a garden hose.

Again, Rebecca was a joy, and a total gamer. She was willing to try anything. So she does not apply to the next paragraph.

But a lot of actors will balk at their characters having flaws. They don’t want to be seen in a bad light. They don’t want to appear vain, or foolish, or an asshole. What they don’t understand is that they are shooting themselves in the foot. Being Captain America or Mother Teresa doesn’t automatically make you likeable. What does? Being interesting. Funny. Relatable. Not taking yourself too seriously. Being a good sport.

Networks sometimes don't understand this either.  You'll frequently get the note, "Gee, he was mean.  I don't like him when he says that."  And if you bow to their notes and pressure from the image-conscious actors you'll wind up turning your show into a nice, lovely, bland rice cake.  This is one battle worth fighting.   Comedy is edgy.  Comedy is subversive.  You're not writing THE WALTONS.

I had the solution for Fay, but the producers never bought it. I said, have her be as sweet as you want. Just make her an ax murderer. I lobbied for this for years, always to no avail. It would be midnight. We would be struggling for a Fay line, I would pitch something, no one would laugh, and I’d say, “Okay, now picture her saying it with an ax in her hands. Suddenly you have comic gold!” Like I said, the producers never bit… although there were a couple of times at 2:45 in the morning when I could swear they were wavering.

Natalie Portman deserves better

I recently re-watched ANNIE HALL. It was the best free movie that ON DEMAND was offering that night. (Seriously guys, we need a better selection. If I didn’t know better I’d think you were just offering shitty free movies so we’d be forced to pay for a better one.) But ANNIE HALL is one of my favorite flicks. I even recommended it once.

What struck me about it this time was this: It was a romantic comedy that assumed the audience had some intelligence. While still being funny it explored relationships in a meaningful, heartfelt way. Some of the subject matter was dated – there were more Jew jokes than in every movie over the last ten years combined – but the emotions and a lot of the comedy still rings true.

I bet I know what you’re thinking: Oh no, here’s another old guy ranting about how much better things were back in the day. There was no pollution and we had real movie stars like Charlie Chaplin and Mary Pickford! No. That’s not where I’m going with this (although Mary Pickford was pretty hot).

When it was released, the target audience for ANNIE HALL was young people. Twentysomethings. I look at the movies geared for younger audiences today (like THE DILEMMA and LITTLE FOCKERS) and they’re just idiotic.

So here’s my point: I don’t think Hollywood gives young moviegoers enough credit for intelligence.

The big studio decision makers (most of whom are in the 50’s or 60’s and live in gated communities) seriously believe that the only way to attract young people is to dumb down their romantic comedies to where not only are there “you have shit on your face” jokes, but they appear in the trailer. That’s what gets you into the theaters they believe, along with pratfalls, buffoonish characters, and ridiculous high-concept premises.

I mean, Paul Rudd deserves more than just being Seth Rogen’s pal and Natalie Portman certainly deserves better than being in a dopey Fuck Buddies comedy with Ashton Kutcher.

I’m not saying all of today’s comedies are bad or have to be ANNIE HALL. I loved THE HANGOVER. I loved ROLE MODELS. But is Apatowesque the only genre we can see?

And when one of those movies doesn’t work – is there a worse piece of shit ever than GROWN UPS? It makes you yearn for the days when bad romantic comedies were just not funny.

I’m not saying you have to go back to the ‘70s when dinosaurs still roamed the earth. Why can’t Hollywood also make comedies like SWINGERS? Or THE BREAKFAST CLUB? TOOTSIE? CHASING AMY? WHEN HARRY MET SALLY? GROUNDHOG DAY? RAISING ARIZONA? RUSHMORE? FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL? BIG? A FISH CALLED WANDA? JERRY MAGUIRE?

I think studios might be surprised that younger audiences are smarter and way more sophisticated than they think. So I suggest this. Just as a test. Make one. Make one comedy where the laughs come out of character and the situation is real and relatable.  Will it happen?  Here’s what I imagine:

STUDIO PRESIDENT’S OFFICE – DAY

The president and his VP in charge of production.

VP: So did you read Levine’s blog.

PRES: Yeah. Who the hell is he anyway?

VP: Some old writer. Who cares? But he makes some good points.

PRES: (begrudgingly) I guess. Yeah.  I like his Friday questions.  I've been thinking of asking what a three-act structure is for a movie.  I've always wondered.

VP: (staying on subject) What if we did do one sophisticated comedy?

PRES: I dunno. I could see if a FRASIER writer wants to do a rewrite on the Opie & Anthony project I just greenlit.

VP: I think we need more than that.

PRES: It’s too risky.  Can't we just take a sophisticated comedy from the past and do a sequel?

VP:  I think the whole point is to do something fresh and original.


PRES:  Now you're really starting to scare me.

VP: Think of it this way:  It could be a huge win-win.  If we do this and it works, we’ll corner the market. No other studio has an intelligent comedy in the works. 

PRES: That’s true.

VP: We might even win awards.

PRES: Real awards? Not Golden Globes?

VP: Real awards.

PRES: Well, it’s tempting, but still…

VP: One movie. That’s all.

The president considers for a long agonizing moment, then:

PRES: Oh alright. We’ll try it. One movie.  Damn that Kevin Levin or whoever the hell he is!

VP: Great! I think that’s a brilliant move.  And you're a visionary for thinking of it. 

PRES:  Okay.  But I’m hedging my bet. It has to be in 3-D.

Jack Popejoy

So sorry to hear today that Jack Popejoy passed away. Jack was the morning news anchor on KNX radio in Los Angeles, after holding down that position for rival KFWB for years and years.

I’ve known Jack for forty years. We were in the same Army Reserve unit together. In today’s post I tell a story about being in Army summer camp. Jack was there.

He was truly one of the nicest and smartest people I knew.

His shining hour was during the big LA earthquake in ’94. His reassuring and informative coverage was responsible for getting a lot of people through that ordeal. A few years ago on KABC I anchored disaster coverage during a big brush fire siege. I had never anchored disaster coverage before. But I just channeled Jack. My tone was reassuring, my demeanor calm. The station and listeners were very pleased with my coverage. It was all Jack.

I always admired Jack’s insatiable curiosity and desire to learn and experience all he could out of life. He was an expert in earthquakes, but also aerospace. And politics. And economics. And communication. He traveled the world, going to exotic out of the way places. I remember we had lunch one time just after he had returned from Antarctica. He loved it. I must confess, that’s not a destination that I would have picked. I wouldn’t think to grab my parka and go on vacation. But to hear him talk about it, I realized that I was really missing something. There’s a lot to see in Antarctica. Jack never missed a thing. He went, he learned, he took advantage of every opportunity.

Jack Popejoy was only 63. The fact that he got more out of life than just about anyone I’ve ever met still doesn’t comfort me tonight. There was still so much more for him to see, more for him to do. There was the moon.

Writing our first script... at Fort Ord.

It’s one thing to get a break, but it’s another to take advantage of it. If you’re lucky enough to get your first script assignment it really behooves you to hit it out of the park. A possible staff job could be yours if your script impresses the powers-that-be. And your agent will have a much easier time getting you more work with a killer script that’s been produced. All of a sudden you start building momentum.  So there is a certain amount of pressure attached. 

All of that was in the back of our minds when my partner David and I got our first assignment – an episode of THE JEFFERSONS.

We worked out the outline with the story editors, Gordon Mitchell & Lloyd Turner. It was early June. This was episode seven for that season and production wasn’t scheduled to begin for another two months. We figured we’d have plenty of time to really turn in a gem, polished to within an inch of its life.

And we were going to need that time. David and I were in the same Army Reserve Unit. In fact, that’s where we met. Part of our obligation was serving two weeks of active duty every summer. That year’s summer camp began the following Monday. So we wouldn’t be able to even begin the script for two weeks.

Gordon and Lloyd wished us luck, and as we were leaving Gordon casually said, “By the way, we need it in two weeks.”

What??

“Yeah, “ Gordon said, “The producers like this story and we’re going to move it way up. So we need it in two weeks. That’s not a problem, is it?”

“No, not at all” we both said. “Piece of cake.”

With great élan we strolled out of their office, made it to our cars, and practically collapsed. At that point in our career we had never written a script in only two weeks. And that’s sitting in a quiet room for ten hours every day. I seriously doubted whether Fort Ord provided such amenities. And there was another problem: the way we worked back then, David took down the script in longhand and I then typed it. Where were we going to get an IBM Selectric typewriter (the script had to look professional. We couldn’t just use some beat up old army Royal typewriter from World War II)?

I made some calls to people I worked with in San Francisco when I was a disc jockey at KYA. One had a Selectric. Now all we had to do was somehow get from Fort Ord in Monterrey to San Francisco, and trickier still –  get one-day passes for a Friday. I think my conversation with our company commander went like this:

Me: We need to go up to San Francisco next Friday.

Him: Alright, well, then you’re going to have to work one of the weekend days.

Me: Oh. Well, see, we really need that time to write. We were really kind of hoping to get the whole weekend off, too.

Him: Excuse me?

Me: And maybe if we could skip a few afternoons during the week, that would be great.

In most units I would have been court martialed by then. But this was an Armed Forces Radio Reserve Unit and the company commander worked at NBC and understood our predicament. So he gave us as much leeway as he could, as long as we still performed whatever duties we were assigned.

Now came the matter of just where to write. The base commander was not about to let us use his office. Our entire unit was in one barrack. So imagine FULL METAL JACKET. Forty soldiers sitting around in their underwear, talking, yelling, listening to radios, playing cards, clipping their toenails, smoking, and two idiots sitting on a bunk trying to write the most important script of their lives while the guy in the top bunk drank beer and let his feet dangle in their faces. And then when everyone went to bed, they had to huddle in a corner with a flashlight and whisper because if they spoke in even a stage whisper fifteen guys would tell them to shut the fuck up.

During the day we’d sneak back to the barracks for a couple of what-we-thought were going to be quiet hours. Unfortunately, we were right next to a basic training parade ground. All day long troops would be marching and singing and Drill Sergeants would be screaming at them. Despite what the army may think, jokes don’t come any faster when someone is yelling, “Move your fucking ass, you pussy!”

Because we had to go to San Francisco, we didn’t even have two full weeks. Somehow we finished a draft. We rented a car (which cost us a fortune), raced up to San Francisco, typed all day, and raced back.

The unit bussed back Sunday afternoon, and on Monday morning we called Gordon Mitchell to proudly tell him the script was done. He was pleased.

Him: Great. When can I get it?

Me:Well, it’s 10:00 now. We have to go the Writers Guild to register it, so I guess about noon or 1:00. Him: Schmuck! You don’t have to register it. You’re protecting yourself against me. I BOUGHT the script.

Oops. Our naiveté was showing. He had the draft in a half hour.

So how was the script? We were heavily rewritten by THE JEFFERSONS although in fairness, we were told they did that routinely.

However, it was our draft, that we wrote in Fort Ord that got us our first MASH assignment. So how bad could it have been?

And yes, I see the irony.

And no, we didn’t go back to Fort Ord to write our next assignment even though the first one worked out so well.

My favorite Super Bowl commercials

Not a lot of great ones to choose from, that's for sure.  And there was the added distraction of a sensational football game, but here are few I liked:

The HOUSE Mean Joe Green commercial parody.

The Tim Hutton Tibet Groupon spot.

And the little Darth Vader for some car commercial.

The sitcom montage was kind of interesting but I had no idea what it was for, and I don't think I get royalties.  

Otherwise, ugh!  Lots of stunts, lots of effects, short on laughs.  People getting clocked with Pepsi cans.  Yuck yuck (although I did enjoy seeing Roseanne get pummeled).  It seems like every movie coming out has a spacecraft. 

A lot of the commercials I just didn't get.  What was Coke trying to sell with that elaborate spot with dragons and creatures?  Is their new campaign that Coke is the official cola of imaginary characters? 

And can I just say it -- I am so fucking sick of seeing the GLEE people.  Stop it already!  I don't want to see them!

I noticed that there were a lot spots for high end automobiles like Mercedes Benz and BMW.  But the only people who could afford those cars were actually at the Super Bowl. 

Budweiser commercials are never funny anymore.  Bring back the frogs.  Or the Bud Bowl even.

And I know it's off the subject, but never NEVER NEVER let Christina Aguilera sing the National Anthem.

Congratulations to the Packers.  

The "Lost" CHEERS scene

This is one of my annual blog traditions.


For several years I've been talking about the "Lost" CHEERS scene. David and I wrote it for the 1983 Super Bowl Pre-game show to promote our fledgling series. They ran it just before game time and it was seen by 80,000,000 people. Nothing we've ever written before or since has been seen by that many eyeballs at one time. But the scene was never repeated. It never appeared on any DVD's. It just disappeared.

Until last year.

Sportswriter supreme, Joe Resnick has taped every Super Bowl including that one. And since the scene aired so close to the game, it was on the tape. Thanks to friend of the blog, Howard Hoffman, he was able to digitize it and post it on YouTube.  Here's the text of the scene.

So here it is. The Super Bowl is next.

What not to wear at a music awards show

I saw recently where Don Kirschner passed away.  Kirschner was a huge record publisher in the '60s Brill Building era and later he became a celebrity, a la the Donald Trump of popular music.  I never met him personally, but I have a story that relates to him. 

In the late '70s my partner and I were writing a pilot for the very flamboyant film producer, Alan Carr.  He had just produced the film adaptation of GREASE.  The pilot was about a girl who booked rock acts for a live music show like THE MIDNIGHT SPECIAL (which ran on Friday nights in the swinging 70s). One day Allan calls and says for research purposes we should attend the DON KIRSCHNER ROCK AWARDS. This was a bullshit network made-up award show, a predecessor to the AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS or MTV AWARDS, or FRED’S AWARDS if Fred could get someone to televise it. We were to mingle with the stars, get a feel of the world, etc. The tickets were free so what the hell?

It was broadcast live from the Hollywood Palladium at 5 p.m. (8 p.m. in the east). We were given house seats and told to dress black tie. So we had to hit the rental store. When the salesman learned the occasion he said, “You can’t just get black tuxedos. Not for the ROCK AWARDS. Are you nuts? You’ve got to wear something much hipper than that.” Considering we were the two un-hippest guys on the planet that made sense. We wanted to fit in. Didn’t want Peter Frampton thinking we were not happening. So we said, “What do you got?”

The day of the show we picked up our dates at about 3:00. They got one look at our outfits and both almost bust a gut. Like two complete idiots we were wearing matching brown tuxedos with peach colored ruffled shirts. All that was missing was paisley cummerbund.

Obviously, it was too late to do anything about it so off we went to the Palladium. And big surprise, we were the only two people there in brown tuxedos with peach ruffled shirts. Our dates were still laughing. Actually, the sound of snickering seemed to follow us wherever we went. Gone were my fantasies of Olivia Newton-John slipping me her number.

To save face I took off my glasses and tried to pass myself off as Prince.

It’s now 4:45. We’re seated. The stage P.A. calls out, “Chaka Khan? Is Chaka Khan here?” I don’t know why but I raised my hand and said, “Here!” The woman sitting right in front of me whirled around and said, “Hey, Fuckhead! I’m Chaka Khan!” So much for my mingling with the stars. (Chaka pictured right with sort of the warm expression she gave me.)

After suffering through the show (“Oh wow, man. I can’t tell you what an honor it is to receive this, uh…what is this again?”), we got out at about 7:30. Unbelievably, we weren’t invited to any of the post show parties. When Alice Cooper laughs at your outfit, you know you look like an imbecile. So now we had to get dinner. Where do you go on a Tuesday night in Hollywood dressed like the groomsmen of Liberace’s wedding?

Thank God for Kelbos!
Longtime Angelinos know what I’m talking about. Kelbos was a super tacky Polynesian themed restaurant with several L.A. locations. Picture Trader Vic’s for Homer Simpson. They’re gone now but back then there was one right across the street from CBS Television City.

(Side note: CBS Television City is in the heart of the Fairfax district, a decidedly Jewish section of town. The joke is to get to CBS just drive down Fairfax Ave. And the first window that doesn’t have a chicken in it is CBS.)

We walk into Kelbos, two Jerry Vale impersonators and their dates, and the host doesn’t even bat an eye. Shows us to a booth and even offers us complimentary drinks in skulls. We all must’ve laughed for an hour at how stupid we looked. But at least no one saw us.

Then I get home and watch the tape-delayed replay of the show. Chaka Khan wins an award. Jumps up. And there we are, in a lovely two shot, on national television. And it was an extra good idea to sit right next to each other.

I think Allan Carr was embarrassed. And this from a man who wore caftans and cold cream.

A few years ago I came across this on a fashion website:

If you are trying to decide the perfect outfit for your special man to wear on your wedding day, well don’t get stuck on the typical black tuxedo. For 2007, the hottest color is chocolate brown. Elegant brown is the new black! Many of the top designers have a handsome chocolate brown tuxedo for the new year. Check with your wedding planner to find out about specific designers offering brown tuxedos for 2007.

DON'T BELIEVE IT!!! I was a fuckhead so you won't have to be.

Did anyone get the license to that car?

To help get you in the mood for Super Bowl weekend, here are some Friday questions.

We start with Brad:

My favorite CHEERS mystery: Why did that station wagon drive by the bar every week for eleven years?

Seriously, almost every episode, a stock exterior shot was used with a station wagon passing by the bar while the same people walked by. The shot was also used at the beginning of the opening credits.

There are actually several establishing shots, but a sedan was used in the opening titles.   From time to time we would have a local Boston crew shoot new material. Winter shots, summer shots, night shots, takes where we push in to the bar, takes that are static, with and without traffic, with and without Michael Dukakis; that sort of thing.

We had a fan who was obsessed with these stock shots. He called himself “the Pineapple”. One day he sent to the producers a detailed eight-page hand written chart of which shot appeared in which show and how many times each stock shot appeared. I think he called himself “the Pineapple” instead of using a real name so we wouldn’t call the authorities.

Jen has a question about Sunday’s post on naming characters. Reader John had a similar question, but this is Jen’s:

When you use names of players in a group like that, do you have to clear those names with the players? Or is it okay to let it stand because it's only last names?

Do you ask your friends before using their names, or just assume they'll enjoy the wink and nod?

If the character is shown in a positive light we generally don’t seek permission from the person. But if we give the character unflattering traits and want to use a friend’s name, then yes, we'll clear it with him first. The idea is to salute someone, not use a national television show to embarrass him. I have seen writers do that as a form of revenge against someone they dislike and always thought it was bush league.

David and I were once looking for a name for a girl that Hawkeye once dated.  We took a break and went to a Dodger game.  The girl who threw out the first pitch was named Sandy Falcon.  We thought, "Hey, that works" so we used that.  I'm sure when Sandy Falcon watched the show she was completely floored.  

If you’re just using last names you rarely have to clear them. Unless maybe if the name was Hitler.

One year I was broadcasting for the Tidewater Tides and writing a CHEERS script on a plane flight. One of the players asked if I’d put his name in the script and I said sure. A few months later that episode was going into production and I got a call from the legal department. We couldn’t use that name because there was an actual baseball player who had that name. I said, “I know. I did it on purpose!” I think they still asked us to change it.

Anonymous has left a question on names (which I find somewhat ironic):

Was Lilith from Cheers named after the Lilith from Jewish mythology?

Not to my knowledge.

Ed wonders:

When you're developing a series how many scripts do you have ready to go when you begin putting together the cast? Watched some auditions on DVDs and it seemed like quite a bit of the dialogue was from deep into the first season.

Generally, you only write a pilot episode and the network determines which projects get greenlit based on those pilot scripts. Another brilliant Jeff Zucker innovation was that NBC required a couple of back-up episodes for every pilot. Yeah, it takes three scripts to determine whether a show is a piece of shit.

You begin casting by selecting sections of the pilot and having the actors audition using those. The trouble is, once you’ve heard a scene massacred thirty different ways you forget why you thought it worked it in the first place.

And since you now must bring several actors to the network for each role – even though they’re doing justice to the material – the network hears the same scene fifteen times and it starts sounding stale to them. So when they see the finished pilot they’re already tired of it.

So what we and a lot of other producers do is write new scenes specifically for audition purposes. That way the pilot scenes remain fresh. And it’s not uncommon, if the show gets picked up, to find a place for the audition scenes later in the season.

What’s your question?

Why I hated COMPANY MEN

There are many little reasons but one big one. Now before I go any further I should, in fairness, state that a lot of critics liked it. ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY gave it an A. I generally agree with EW, but in this case I can only assume that the studio gave them a print of THE GODFATHER and just slapped the COMPANY MEN title on it. An A? Really?

The point of this post is not to just rip a movie (you know me – never an unkind word about anything), but to use it as a lesson in storytelling. So I warn you, MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!! If you have any intention of going to this movie, have fun, I’ll see you tomorrow.

I’m serious now. I give away the ending.

Okay. Since you’re still reading I’m assuming you’ve either seen it or don’t plan to waste two hours of your life that will seem like five.

First off, COMPANY MEN is incredibly slow and plodding. It’s like watching a redwood tree age. What little does happen is extremely predictable.

You probably know the premise. A major company is downsizing. First, young hotshot Ben Affleck gets the axe, then old creaky Chris Cooper. Cooper is 60, no one will hire him because of his age, he has no other skills, the creditors are at the door, no one is showing him any respect, he is literally begging for work, he feels incredibly trapped, he feels incredibly depressed. The movie wants to make a point of how tragic this all is and how it can strip a man of his pride and dignity. So what do you think Chris Cooper ultimately does? Riiiiight. Boo hoo.

Forget the logic holes. If Ben Affleck is fired after being a top-flight exec for twelve years he would likely have stock options. Those could probably carry him. And when the company is ultimately sold for a huge profit he would come into enough cash that his son could get his Wii back from the pawnshop. Also, Affleck says his salary is $140,000 a year but lives in a McMansion, belongs to a ritzy country club, takes lavish vacations, and drives a Porsche. Alex Rodriguez doesn’t live that well.

But here’s the main problem: the story. Put aside for a moment what it currently is. Instead, imagine any of these alternatives based on the same starting premise: Young Ben Affleck gets downsized from a mega company. So as a result…

He decides to get even with the CEO and finds ingenious ways to ultimately bring him and his company down. David vs. Goliath & Sachs.

Or…

He decides to sell everything, buy a big motor home, and takes off with the family for a big adventure.

Or…

He uses this time to connect with his son and comes to realize he’s been chasing after the wrong things.

Or…

He follows his bliss, joins a circus, the circus is struggling, and he uses his business acumen to save the day.

Or…

He rounds up some other downsized people and together they start their own business.

Or…

His anger gets the better of him and he goes on a rampage, killing off CEO’s.

Or…

He reinvents himself into a motivational speaker and finds fame and fortune while helping countless others.

Or…

He’ll do anything to get his job back including having an affair with the CEO’s daughter.

Or…

He’s so desperate for money he robs a bank with his pals and falls in love with the willowy brunette teller they hold hostage.

The common denominator here is that the protagonist actively does something. It could a misguided thing, or a destructive thing, but he is taking steps to resolve the problem.

Here’s what happens in COMPANY MEN:

Ben Affleck gets fired, he applies for other jobs and doesn’t get them. He’s in a holding pattern, he’s still in a holding pattern, he runs out of money and has to move, but he’s still in a holding pattern waiting for someone to hire him, he does some construction work for his brother-in-law to hold him over, he’s still waiting… and waiting… and waiting. And finally his former boss starts a company and hires him. That’s it. The entire movie he just applies for jobs and waits for the phone to ring. Not only is it passive, not only is it boring, but the ending is completely fortuitous. We call that a Deus ex Machina (essentially an act of God). Conveniently, at any time of the writer’s choosing, he just has someone or something come along and solve the problem for the protagonist.

We’re in this horrible drought. Our crops are going to be ruined. We won’t have enough money to live. What to do? What to do? And then a big rainstorm arrives and problem solved.

I can’t find a job. We won’t have enough money to live. What to do? What to do? Hey, I have a job, you want it? Sure! Problem solved.

It’s lazy, it’s contrived, and it’s just bad storytelling. Always have your conclusion come from elements in the story that you've already established.  At all costs avoid Deus ex Machina.

So I don’t care what the reviewers say about COMPANY MEN – for my money, that alone is grounds for dismissal.

UPDATE:  We got a hot debate on this topic going on in the comments section.  Weigh in with your yay or nay.  

Random thoughts

... or Attention Deficit Blogging.  

My blog traffic has plummeted since they closed down the internet in Egypt.

Sorry to see the Mystery Bookstore close in Westwood. E-books are killing the bookstore industry. Now I feel even more guilty that I have an e-book of my own coming out in the next few weeks.

They held a last hurrah reception at the Mystery Bookstore Monday night and I got to meet a lot of best-selling authors. Standing with a few of them, I mentioned the name Meredith Viera. Three of the four had no idea who she is. People don’t know the host of the TODAY SHOW? Good luck to those new hosts of CBS EARLY MORNING.

Since this is awards season, the coveted “Scumbag of the Year” award goes to Tracy Morgan. After his ex-girlfriend donated a kidney to him, he blew her off. Nice. And he’s not funny.

While the Red Sox got Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez this off-season, the Yankees signed Freddie Garcia and Bartolo Colon. Inquiries to Satchel Paige were not returned.

Lots of Fairy Tale-themed pilots getting picked up this year. My favorite is LAW & ORDER: ENCHANTED FOREST.

I love THE GOOD WIFE. It’s not just the best lawyer show on television. It’s also the best family drama. 

Great HuffingtonPost headline this morning: Camille Grammer Blames FOX News For End Of Intimacy With Kelsey.  Isn't it enough they irresponsibly distort the news and knowingly mislead millions of people, now they've tampered with Camille Grammer's sex life!  FOX News must be stopped! 


If you haven’t seen it, this Friday night at 9, the USA network is rerunning the two-part CSI written and directed by Quentin Tarantino. The goose bumps haven’t gone down since I saw it the first time five years ago.

Manny Ramirez is now with the Tampa Bay Rays. Good luck to them. He’s the bag you set on fire, leave at someone’s doorstep, and run.

CHEERS is now on the Reelz Channel, running in the middle of the night. But I’m sure that’s only until they can land some infomercials. One of my favorite episodes is coming up tomorrow morning at 3:30. 

Is Omar Sharif the only Egyptian we can go to for a comment?

My heart goes out to everyone stuck in that horrendous winter storm that's crippled most of the nation. I’m sure movie studios are saying, “Damn! This is really going to hurt the weekend boxoffice”.

Actress/alcoholic/addict Lindsay Lohan is now stealing jewelry. Hey, she needs start-up funds for that drug running ring she’s about to start.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you why I hated COMPANY MAN starring Ben Affleck. So you’re gonna want to rush right out and see it today.

Two weeks until pitchers and catchers report. Except for Alfredo Simon. He may be late... by twenty years.

The Baltimore Orioles’ reliever has the minor complication -- he’s been denied bail. Simon is being held in the Dominican Republic on an involuntary manslaughter charge. Seems he was firing celebratory shots in the air and killed one person and injured another. I’ll tell you this – players hate it when pitchers display emotion on the mound.

What’s worse? That NBC is just now putting together a reality show that is a rip off of AMERICAN IDOL (pouncing on that zeitgeist only nine years too late) or that they signed Carson Daly to host it?

Meanwhile, DANCING WITH THE STARS returns on March 21st. Celebrity dancers will be announced February 28th, but I have a preview. Sarah Palin’s daughter’s friend, Tracy Morgan’s ex-girlfriend, Betty White, Phineas & Ferb, Alfredo Simon, and Meredith Viera.

Adventures in bad taste

From time to time I like to look back at my misguided, mercifully-brief radio career as a screaming Top 40 disc jockey in the ‘70s. Today’s stop on the road – KNTQ, Los Angeles. The New TenQ.

It’s late 1976. My partner, David, and I are head writers of MASH. I get a call from Jimi Fox, a radio colleague who worked with me in San Diego. At the time, Jimi had the distinction of having the only voice worse than mine. He tells me that he’s been named the program director of KGBS. KGBS is right in the middle of the AM dial at 1020. For years it was a daytime station. It had finally been given clearance to broadcast 24 hours a day and Jimi was going to change the format to screaming Top 40. Jimi was also changing the call letters to KTNQ and renaming the station TenQ. (That was the big trend in the ‘70s – distinguish yourself from all the stations that just had call letters by having a combination letter/number. TenQ, B100, 13K. So many stations adopted this practice that eventually the only stations with a distinctive name were the ones that still just used their call letters.)

Jimi wondered if “Beaver Cleaver” (my DJ alias) wanted to return to the airwaves. I couldn’t work full-time, but I agreed to do the Saturday night 6-10 shift. That should tell you two things about me back then: I just loved being on the radio, and I had no social life whatsoever, despite the fact that I was a head writer of a major network television series.

The mandate was to just have fun. There is not a single radio station in America that has that marching order today. We were allowed to have personality, encouraged to fuck around. As long as we didn’t take coke from any record companies, or at least get caught, we were pretty much free to just blast on the radio.

Our chief competitor was KHJ, by then a very mechanical boring station, ten years past its prime. Think Sylvester Stallone in the last RAMBO movie.

Our line-up was a collection of goofballs. John M. Driscoll, a funny caustic jock from Chicago did mornings. He was followed by Dave Conley, a San Diego radio vet, who spent every dime he owned and many he didn’t at the race track. I’d see him in the hall and say, “How’s it goin’, Dave?” and he would whine, “The fucking goats are KILLING ME!” At noon we had Willie B. This guy had the world’s most beautiful baritone voice. You’d never know he was like nine-years-old at the time.

In the afternoons we had the legendary, the amazing, the REAL Don Steele. Imagine an expansion baseball team with Babe Ruth batting clean-up.

Rich “Brother” Robbin, the human adrenaline rush, came on from 6-10 PM. Poor Joe Nasty did late nights. I say “poor” because for one promotion they made him ride a rollercoaster at Knott’s Berry Farm for 24 straight hours. He still walks into walls today.

Overnights belonged to Nancy Plum. She was every guy’s fantasy. Sexy smoky voice. I feel bad for her, too, because we all had to take requests over the phone. I’m sure half of hers were for blowjobs.

Rounding out the weekends was the very funny Dave Trout. That wasn’t his real name. He moved on to KROQ where he does use his real name – Freddy Snakeskin.

And I can’t forget the TenQ Duck. This was our highly inebriated mascot that went around for public appearances. The gentleman who wore the suit (which I don’t think was ever cleaned) doubled as the morning sports guy, Clete Dumpster with his “short snorts in the world of sports”. Our morning newscaster was Boyd R. Brittan, the voice of God. He’s been “Doc on the Roq” at KROQ for probably twenty years now.

The station was located in what is now called Koreatown, on Western near Wilshire. You ran from the car to the station. The building itself was a former mortuary. It is two-stories and there was a small courtyard in the center. This was used to lift coffins to the second floor. Great vibes for rock n’ roll, right? I used to claim that we were just sharing the building with a mortuary and they always seemed to be busy on Saturday night. I know this is horrible, but I would do stuff on the air like say, “Okay, they’re hoisting our next singer up now” then play a Janis Joplin record.

Beaver Cleaver was not just my airname, it was my alter-ego. All week long I’m writing a TV show that was steeped in humanity, and on Saturday nights I was this raving lunatic King of Bad Taste.

Trivia note: The first movie Ron Howard ever directed was GRAND THEFT AUTO for Roger Corman. There are scenes at TenQ, the Real Don Steele is in the movie, and TenQ is heard throughout the film.

We gave KHJ a good run for their money but still fell a little short.  Playing a Ramones record every five minutes didn't help.  The station has a real cult following among radio people. Many consider TenQ the last great Top 40 station. I never knew it at the time. I was too busy doing Charles Manson jokes over Carpenters records.