Sunday, February 14, 2010

My worst birthday EVER

This is an absolute true story.

I was just about to turn 55 (which is traumatic enough). It was 11:15 at night. I was watching this documentary series on HBO about the Porn industry. Hey, it just happened to be on.

They were asking various porn stars a series of questions. One of the questions was “What WON’T you do?”

One by one they listed all manner of depraved acts. No double-penetration. No triple-penetration. No groups more than ten. No animals. No S & M. No vegetables. They were rattling off kinky and disgusting acts I didn’t even know were possible. The most humiliating, degrading sexual requests you could ever imagine.

Finally, they get to one girl who says, “Hey, whatever. They’re paying me. I’ll do just about anything…” and then she added, “As long as it’s not with a guy who’s like 55.”

That was it. My life was over. Torture was fine. Goats were fine. But sex with a 55 year old, that’s where you draw the line.

I spent that birthday in a fetal position under my desk familiarizing myself with what benefits I was entitled to under Medicare.

43 comments:

Marc said...

Just to make you feel better. I find men your age very attractive. I have no idea what you look like but I happent to find men your age that are overweight attractive. Most important us a warm heart and an intelligent soul. Judging from ur comic gems you have bestowed on us, you're quite intelligent and from
this blog you seem Like a kind hearted person. By the way I'm 38 and I know plenty of people my age that feel similarly so that woman is not representative of everyone.

rob! said...

Jesus, Ken, you're fifty-five? I had no idea. The days of my visiting this blog are OVER!

If it makes you feel better, its very possible the porn star who said that can't count, and therefore has no idea what any number other than 69 even means.

Kevin Arbouet said...

Rob:

That was 5 years ago. He's 60 now. Old enough for specialty porn.

Marc said...

Diane Sawyer is over 60 . shes sexy as hell. Candice Bergen, Suzanne Sommers. all very attractive and acomplished people. men wise James brolin is over 60 and quiet attarctive. its all a state of mind. you have accomplished lots and brought joy to many. there are many who i am sure find u attractive. Hope this year brings you health and happiness and all that u desire!

susie said...

Don't worry, Ken. I suspect you are completely out of her league anyway. You have better options.

The Milner Coupe said...

I'm not THAT old yet but I hope to reach your vintage someday.

So you're at home on your birthday watching a documentary on porn. I suspect not a lot of women would want anything to do with you anyway.

Best of luck old man.

Aloha

A. Buck Short said...

THE NUMEROLOGY OF LOVE

Since this joke has been making the internet rounds for at least 3 years, I will spare you the redundancy and just forward the punch line: “Really? You want Garlic chicken with snow peas?”

For those unfamiliar with this gem who wish not to be left out in the cold, you can receive a full transcript by drawing a picture of a lumberjack and mailing it with a self-addressed stamped treatise on ethnic sensitivity to byKenLevine, Merkle Press, Wedding Night Way, Chicago, IL 60069.

Tamra said...

Happy Birthday. Who in the hell made it 55 and gave Bealls the right to give senior discounts at 50? This year I turned 50... damn I feel better now than I did at 30. Just take the age thing in stride and put an iggie or mute on those porn stars. I am not sure if brain waves frequent that space between their ears.

l.a.guy said...

Now you know why watching porn is bad for you.

Apparently I've got five years left before not even a pro will consider me. Thanks for sharing.

Pat Reeder said...

Don't let age get you down. Remember, 60 is the new 40. And judging by the TV shows aimed at 18-to-35-year-olds, that entire period is now the new 9.

The obsession with age ticks off my wife so much (she's a singer/comedienne as well as a comedy writer), she created and performs an entire musical show ridiculing agism. I linked my name to her song sample page so you can scroll down and enjoy her Gilbert & Sullivan salute to the anti-aging products industry, "These Are The Very Promise of a Youth That is Ephemeral." She's also been blogging on this topic for years at the Laura's Diary link.

WV: gultio - How Louis Nye would plead guilty (That's meant to make me sound even older than I am).

Anonymous said...

Yeah, but what about a herd of 55-year old goats. Equipped with vegetables and electrical clamps? Or more frightening, what about Russell Brand in a bikini?

SharoneRosen said...

yesterday I finally saw Crazy Heart and Up In the Air. In both films, they made a real issue of how old and worthless someone was at 57 years old! The main character in one, a casualty of the economy in the other.
57... the age I will turn on my next birthday. WTF?

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

Maybe she was talking about millimeters.

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

Or centimeters.

D. McEwan said...

She didn't say "55 or older." She just has a thing about 55. You're over that - ah - hump now. She'd fine wth guys who are 60, just not 55.

Debby G said...

Speaking of porn and age... When I was in my early 20s and living in The Valley, I was approached twice about being a hand model. That seemed a little fishy, given that I bite my nails.

Years later, after I saw Boogie Nights and learned that most porn movies were shot in The Valley, I realized it wasn't really my two hands that attracted those men.

Now, at 47, I'm never asked to be a "hand model." That's fine with me.

Sebastian said...

Great - it's 8:50am here so I'm not too late to say congratulations since I'm 9 hours ahead.

Happy Birthday Ken and thank you for another year of great blogging!

And don't worry - she just said she wouldn't do it for THAT kind of money you get on porn movies.

If you are a Billionaire that's a whole different kind of money. I mean it's not like she wasn't already doing it for money, now it's all about the price, right?

So what I get from your post is: you are dirt poor! ;-)

vw: loquid - when you are low on £

Term paper said...

It was an interesting read I have enjoyed reading. Here I am reading The most humiliating, degrading sexual requests I could ever imagine.

Vermonter17032 said...

Are you sure she wasn't talking about the speed limit? Maybe she has a thing about doing it in a moving car, a trauma from her youth or something...

Mac said...

Great story.
I think she meant "if he was, like, 55 and didn't have a platinum credit rating" - then he could be 55 with horns and a tail and I suspect she'd grow to appreciate his inner beauty.

RolloSuplex said...

That's the saddest/funniest shit I've ever read. I'll never complain about my birthday again.

Charles H. Bryan said...

But to be fair, most of us would break off the wedding engagement the minute we found out our intended was a featured player in "Delivery Guy 7: Hold the Pepperoni".

And, when you think about it, do we even have porn stars anymore? I thought professional pornography had been replaced by amateurs on the web, showing that reality shows really did kill everything.

wv: "uprecato" -- Another thing porn stars won't do. "Sorry, no uprecato. Not without a stunt double."

sonderangerbot said...

Wow, that's harsh. If a pornstar says so it must be true... Late congratulations to you, Ken!

Anonymous said...

LOL... at least you weren't double penetrated.

A Buck -everything half off today said...

And another thing...
Peronally I think the bar has always been set a little low. Why is it always porn stars? Why aren't there any just plain porn actresses anymore? Or porn planets? At what point does one reach star status? Frontal? Backal? Oh wait, there goes a porn asteroid.

Lairbo said...

Wait'll the AARP hears about this...

thomas tucker said...

Don't be too hard on the poor girl.
You have to draw the line somewhere.

Craig Zablo said...

Oh, great. I'm 51. 4 years until...

Tom Quigley said...

Cheer up, Ken... At least she didn't say she'd rather go bowling....

Will Teullive said...

Grandson: "Hey Grandpa ya gettin' any on the side??"

Grandpa: "Wow, It's been so long since I had any, I didn't realize they moved it."

yosprob: This ain't a me problem it's yosprob..lem

Baylink said...

> "Delivery Guy 7: Hold the Pepperoni"

And the Academy Award for Best Fake Porn Movie Title goes to...

baretent: where you put all the hippies when it rains.

Michael said...

At least you've won an Emmy and have been nominated several times.

But yeah, it still stings, don't it?

Anonymous said...

Thank goodness I'll be 56 in 10 days. I've been playing handball against the curb for decades and probably had more sex with porn stars than I'd like to mention -- unfortunately they've never been present for the experience.

tb said...

What Rollo said

ohnooooo! said...

egads...that YOU of all people (intelligent, funny and obviously attractive on so many levels) would even THINK scummy women like porn stars rate in your universe!! Remember that when you sleep w. someone, you're sleeping with everyone they've ever slept with...eeeeeeuuuuuwww. gross.

women become porn stars because they are so dumb and untalented they can't do anything else.

'nuff said!!

GabbyD said...

actually, this is good news.

your kinky and fresh!

YEKIMI said...

Not as bad as when I asked a girl out and she said "I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last thing on the planet" and I replied "Well luckily I'm not the last man on the planet" and she replied "you didn't hear me correctly, I said the last 'THING' on the planet".

Rory L. Aronsky said...

At least you've won an Emmy and have been nominated several times.

Adding to Michael's thought, Ken, you would have been fine. All you would have had to do was show the "55?! Ugh!" women your Emmy. ;)

WV: colantr - The spelling of Colasanto by someone who criminally doesn't know who Nicholas Colasanto was.

Roger Owen Green said...

I'm over 55 and I STILL LOL. Then I curled up in the fetal position myself.

WV: shesti - something to do with that particular young woman, no doubt.

Mary Stella said...

“Hey, whatever. They’re paying me. I’ll do just about anything…” and then she added, “As long as it’s not with a guy who’s like 55.”

Ken, it was late, you were tired. She slurred her words. I'm sure she said, "As long as it's not with a guy whose IQ is like over 55."

She didn't want the goats to have competition.

foobella said...

Look on the bright side. If she hadn't said that, you wouldn't have such a hilarious story to tell about your 55th birthday.

Ellen said...

*gasping for oxygen*

That is HILARIOUS.

nursetopher said...

The date of this conversation is the 14th day of the only month with 28 days. It is metaphoric celebration of the human female menstrual cycle wherein ovulation occurs on day 14. Coincidence? Fertility and sex and associated fringe social creations such as love and promises of eternal monogamy give way to the reality that we live to mate thus keeping the species alive. Say it again!!! We donors dont really care who the recipients are. Attraction can a factor but only til 2AM. I state, hand on bible, every 2AM mating of mine was with a woman who thought she was a porn star and who treated me as if I was one too. That is good enough for me. Godbless you pornstars!!