This is an absolute true story.
I was just about to turn 55 (which is traumatic enough). It was 11:15 at night. I was watching this documentary series on HBO about the Porn industry. Hey, it just happened to be on.
They were asking various porn stars a series of questions. One of the questions was “What WON’T you do?”
One by one they listed all manner of depraved acts. No double-penetration. No triple-penetration. No groups more than ten. No animals. No S & M. No vegetables. They were rattling off kinky and disgusting acts I didn’t even know were possible. The most humiliating, degrading sexual requests you could ever imagine.
Finally, they get to one girl who says, “Hey, whatever. They’re paying me. I’ll do just about anything…” and then she added, “As long as it’s not with a guy who’s like 55.”
That was it. My life was over. Torture was fine. Goats were fine. But sex with a 55 year old, that’s where you draw the line.
I spent that birthday in a fetal position under my desk familiarizing myself with what benefits I was entitled to under Medicare.