Can Emmys cause tension on the set? Does Raggedy Ann have cloth tits?

More Friday questions for your mid-summer pleasure. What’s yours???

Wendy M. Grossman gets us started with an Emmy question:

I note that one of my favorite shows, The Good Wife, has multiple nominees in a couple of categories. Do the actors manage to be genuinely happy for each other and regard it as a joint reward for a team effort, or does it cause strain when this happens? I imagine a lot depends on the general atmosphere on the set - and TGW is full of experienced stage actors who are (I would think) more geared to thinking of themselves as a team. But it has to be tricky on the night.

Can’t speak for THE GOOD WIFE but on some shows Emmy competition can cause tremendous tension. When Christine Baranski won an Emmy for CYBILL and Ms. Shepherd didn’t that merely set off World War III on the set.

From what I hear, on MODERN FAMILY no such friction exists.  I have a feeling it's that way on THE GOOD WIFE too.  There was never a problem I observed on CHEERS or FRASIER.

I was directing an episode of EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND that began production the day after that year’s Emmys. Both Ray Romano and Patty Heaton were nominated. Ray lost and Patty won. This was my first directing assignment for that show. I didn’t know what to expect but I was holding my breath. Ray could not have been more gracious. He gathered the entire cast and crew to congratulate Patty and celebrate her win. No wonder everybody loves that guy.

Steven asks:

I recently started watching episodes of Cheers again and one thing that struck me as peculiar was the camera angles and how on many episodes there will be scenes where you can clearly see the edge of the set and background of the studio (i.e. one being the episode where 'John Hill' has a heart attack and in the scene where 'Carla Tortelli' visits him in the hospital room you can clearly see about a foot off the set to the left). Is there any reason for this or was it just an error in production?

I’m guessing you’re now watching the episodes on HD. Those shows were filmed before HD. They’re framed for the traditional TV set. The HD borders are larger and that’s why from time to time you may see off the set.

By the time I was directing BECKER in the ‘90s I had to frame shots for both and at times that was very difficult. The HD picture would look fine but horribly composed for the traditional frame. Heads were cut off, little things like that. But if I set the shot for the traditional frame I’d encounter that same problem of shooting off the set. And if I compromised, neither shot looked good. At the time I cheated more towards the traditional frame. Today I would do just the opposite.

Back when we had a multi-camera pilot in the late ‘70s, one of our cameramen was maybe the worst ever. He pulled back for a master so far that you could literally see the guy on the catwalk perched over the set. And we didn’t know this until we screened the dailies. There was no video assist back then. We had to rely on the camera operators to tell us if they had missed a shot. I guess seeing a guy in the catwalk did not qualify as an unusable shot to this moron.

From bettyd:

You have called baseball for both the National League and the American League. You also said you didn't like interleague play (although I assume the World Series is OK with you!). Which league do you prefer to call, or doesn't it matter?

It doesn’t matter. It’s the particular game itself rather than which league it’s in.

There’s more strategy in the National League, which is fun. But there tends to be more scoring in American League games due to the Designated Hitter so I get more highlights on postgame show, and really, isn’t that what it’s all about? I’ll be back on the air with the Mariners starting August 1st for nine games, by the way.


And finally, from Steve J.:

As a Cheers viewer, it always bugged me when there'd be an episode where Sam and Woody would be off having adventures, as I pictured poor Carla tending bar and waiting tables all by herself. Then, of course, there were also episodes where all three of them would be away from the bar at the same time, presumably leaving it either closed or unmanned.

Was there ever a temptation to explain on the show how Cheers stayed in business when the staff was constantly skipping out? A throwaway line about other employees at the bar we just never saw or something? Or were you fine with not overthinking it?

Oh, this is a topic came up almost weekly. We decided to not try to cover this inconsistency since there really was no plausible explanation.

But trust me, someone in the writers room was always saying, “So who’s running the bar? Is Cheers on the honor system?”

Billy Wilder used to call it "Movie Magic".  I prefer to go with that.

Jeff Katzenberg says today's movies suck

If you think the current crop of summer releases are bad….

You’re not alone. No less than Jeffrey Katzenberg agrees with you. Katzenberg, former head of Touchstone, Dreamworks, and currently grand poo-bah of Dreamworks Animation in a recent interview for Fortune magazine in front of a Brainstorm Tech audience bitched about all the subpar 3-D entries and blamed it on "a singular and unique characteristic that only exists in Hollywood, greed."

Ouch!

Okay, so lowered interest in 3-D movies hurts Dreamworks Animation, which is making all of its features in 3-D, but why quibble? (If we’re going to be real picky we might suggest that greed also exists on Wall Street but that’s getting off the subject.)

Jeff was just getting started.

Katzenberg asked for a show of hands of audience members who "would say the last seven or eight months of movies is the worst lineup of movies you've experienced in the last five years of your life." Tons of hands shot up. Mr. K. agreed. "They suck. It's unbelievable how bad movies have been ... right now today it's a particularly dreary moment."

And that’s before THE CHANGE-UP has even come out!

I can’t say that I disagree. This has definitely been a summer of bad sequels, bad teachers, and bad bosses. Even Pixar had a misfire. Every comic book hero other than Little Lulu has been brought to life. We were even subjected to another Jim Carrey movie. Star power has meant nothing. Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Will Ferrell, and even fan-favorite Mel Gibson couldn’t open a film.

Lots of people grouse about the state of today’s movies (when they’re not grousing about the movie experience – talking, texting, ticket prices, teenagers). But what’s significant here is that it’s Jeffrey Katzenberg, one of Hollywood’s OWN. Not just some disgruntled blogger idiot but a legitimate power player. He has to bump into the studio heads who greenlit these cow pies at Spagos, screenings, and ski slopes. He travels in the same circles as the creative community he just crushed. I applaud his candor. These were statements made not without risk. Labor Day weekend with the Hanks in the Hamptons might be in jeopardy.

Will his words have any effect? Of course not. If he was right about the movies sucking he was even more right that the industry is run on greed. I’m sure next summer there will be BRIDESMAIDS 2, TRANSFORMERS 4, and if we’re real lucky – ZOOKEEPER 2. Even Terrence Malick’s TREE OF LIFE 2 is on the fast-track to be released summer 2024.

But he said it. He didn’t blame the recession, Netflix, Carmageddon, Global Warming, the Tea Party, Ohio State football, or iPads. Today’s movies are bad this summer. And if nothing else, it will be a topic at Mastro’s. At least until someone brings up HARRY POTTER and how much money it’s making and everyone will feel good about themselves again.

Sam Denoff & Sherwood Schwartz

Sam Denoff

I always wanted to be Sam Denoff. And Sherwood Schwartz (for different reasons). We lost them both last week.  This is the first chance I've had to write about them but I couldn't let their passings go without comment.   And deep appreciation. 

1975 was when I quit my radio job (okay, I was fired, but I was offered another radio job and didn’t take it) and moved back to Los Angeles to seriously pursue a career in TV comedy writing. I worked at a dead-end job during the day and at night furiously wrote spec scripts with my partner, David Isaacs.

One Sunday – and this will tell you how very long ago it was – I walked into a bookstore. (Note: there used to be retail establishments that carried books you could buy. You could browse the shelves, stand around and skim through a portion of one, and then if you decided to purchase it, you would approach a live person, hand him money or a credit card, and then get to take the book home that day. Wacky, huh?)

At the time, I devoured all books on comedy writing. (There were also no blogs back then.) In one a full script was included. This served as an example of the perfect teleplay. It was “Coast to Coast Big Mouth” from THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. I bought that book and must’ve read that script a hundred times. I was in awe. It was a major inspiration to me. And the gold standard. Someday I wanted to write a script – just one – that was that good. So good it was in a book!

That script was written by Sam Denoff & Bill Persky.

Sam became one of my idols. I followed his career. And he shaped mine. Sometimes it seemed he was writing directly to me. I wanted to be a comedy writer – he wrote on THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW about a comedy writer. I also wanted to be a funny radio disc jockey. He co-created GOOD MORNING WORLD about a funny morning disc jockey team. I desperately wanted a girlfriend. He co-created THAT GIRL. If I may paraphrase the Roberta Flack hit, he was “Killing Me Softly With His Jokes”.

I only got to meet him one time and it was a somewhat surreal experience. I was invited to be on a nationally syndicated radio show to discuss comedy. Turns out the broadcast emanated not from a radio station or a recording studio but some dude’s backyard in the Valley. I sat around a pool chatting on the air with the host, Sam Denoff, and crazy-person, Marty Ingels. On the one hand it was great to be thought of as a peer of one of my comedy writing heroes, on the other I was also a peer of a total nut.

After the broadcast, Sam and I spoke for awhile. He couldn’t have been nicer. I’m always interested in the creative process, especially in teams. Sam told me he and his partner always wrote head-to-head, never just splitting up scenes and going off separately. That’s the way David and I work too. We must be doing something right if the great Persky & Denoff wrote that way.  I told him of the book and he was delighted that his work was used as a tool to help teach young writers.

A few years later FRASIER put out a book of selected scripts including one of ours. You can imagine the significance of that to me. When as a young struggling writer I used to dream of that and saw it as a great “I have arrived” moment. Now I view it as a great “Pay it forward” opportunity. Thanks for everything, Sam Denoff.

Sherwood Schwartz

In an industry that believes when you turn 30 you automatically lose the ability to make people laugh, Sherwood Schwartz proved that being funny is ageless. I got to know him a little in his later years. His granddaughter was dating my son for awhile. Well into his 90’s and Sherwood was sharp and funny and insightful as could be. I once got the chance to drive him home after a family brunch and it was a treat just to hear him to riff on the topics of the day. I’d say the man forgot more about comedy than most people ever knew but Sherwood never forgot anything.

He’s much maligned of course because the two hit shows he created – GILLIGAN’S ISLAND and THE BRADY BUNCH – were hardly sophisticated fare. But I’m here to tell you, to create a monster hit television program that made such a big impact and remains on the air today is damn near impossible. It’s a once-in-a-billion chance. And this man created TWO. I envy his success and what a kind-hearted person he was. A lot of the fortune he made off those shows have gone to worthy charities. I so wish he had owned the Dodgers.

But because GILLIGAN’S ISLAND and THE BRADY BUNCH were not considered high art, the industry never took him seriously. Explain to me why Mark Burnett creates mindless reality shows and is a considered a genius while Sherwood Schwartz created beloved long-enduring sitcoms and Hollywood looked down its nose at him. I dare say more kids benefited from lessons learned on THE BRADY BUNCH than from CELEBRITY APPRENTICE.

Sherwood was also a good sport. The 1995 BRADY BUNCH MOVIE directed by Betty Thomas was hilarious. But it was also poked a lot of fun at the TV series. A more thin-skinned creator would have nixed that script in a minute. But not Sherwood. He thought it was funny like everyone else. You don’t get the Midas Touch by accident. THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE was a boxoffice hit. Sherwood Schwartz knew what worked.

Sam Denoff was 83. Sherwood Schwartz was 94. I will miss them both.  But I take comfort in knowing their laughs will go on forever.

All that was missing was Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn

Back home from my son, Matt’s wedding to Kim in Palo Alto. I’m left with precious memories and bills. Thanks so much to all of you who have offered best wishes and mazal tovs.

Here’s a brief recap of the festivities:

We arranged for guests to stay at the Palo Alto Westin and their sister hotel, the next door Sheraton. Everyone who booked at the Westin got great rooms. Large, spacious, adjoining patios, some received suites. We got a room the size of a closet next to an ice machine, complete with faulty plumbing and a broken safe. And we’re Gold Card members. The Sheraton was also very accommodating to our guests except they wouldn’t upgrade the bridal party. But in a nod to romance they did offer them one night’s free parking.

My lovely wife provided all of our out-of-towners gift bags filled with the essentials like water, cookies, sunscreen, maps, “things to do” suggestions, Kettle Korn, and lip gloss. Not one wedding photo was ruined due to chapped lips! Debby also hosted two fabulous parties. This woman deserves a medal or at least her own reality show.

One plus to the hotels is that they’re only a few blocks from University Avenue, the main drag of Stanford University. Great bars, restaurants, and (look quick) a Borders bookstore. But you’re advised to walk there instead of drive. It’s a little tricky to get from University Avenue to El Camino (where the hotels are) and for some reason it completely baffles the Prius GPS system.  The route kept looping in and around itself. It looked on the screen like an instruction manual for tying a shoe. I think we ended up in Napa Valley.

The weather all weekend was ideal. Sunny but not hot, and 56% humidity – the perfect number for keeping all bridal party dresses wrinkle-free (after numerous portable steamer touch-ups).

The site itself was breathtaking. Mountain Terrace in Woodside, a gorgeous setting overlooking the San Francisco Bay and China. You wind up this steep mountain for seemingly ever and there it is… next to a biker bar. This is where Opie and Lyla on SONS OF ANARCHY should have gotten hitched. Also, across the street is Alice’s Restaurant (where I’m sure you can get anything you want except Alice). I’m guessing they don’t get a lot of walk-in trade.

But once on the grounds you enter a different world. One of serenity, beauty, and free of exhaust.

Had the rehearsal. Not like anything I’ve ever directed. I’m used to people saying, “Why can’t I stand over there?” “What if I gave her the ring?” “You mean I have to follow the grandmother?”

On the morning of the wedding all of the bridesmaids went off for five hours to get their hair and make up done. Now I can understand why they'd need five hours when they try to make Cher look 50, but these are pretty girls in their 20’s. Some lip gloss from our welcome bags and they should be good to go.

Why have a “Maid of Honor”? Doesn’t that just piss off the other bridesmaids?

Am I the only nimrod who can’t figure out all the clips and studs when putting on a rented tuxedo? Invariably I put my cummerbund on upside down, and asphyxiate myself with the bow tie. And borrowed formal wear is one thing, but wearing rented shoes is just weird.

Still, as I Tweeted at the time -- it was nice to wear a tuxedo and not lose an Emmy.

Shuttle vans whisked the guests up to the venue. There may be some who took their own cars. If so, they’re still up there somewhere.

Kim, the bride, was absolutely radiant. And she made the wedding dress herself. Next year at the Oscars when Ryan Seacrest asks Anne Hathaway “Who are you wearing?” I fully expect her to say “Kim Shultz!”

The ceremony was very moving. I decided not to live-blog during it. The rabbi was terrific and even did a few biker jokes. At one point Matt and Kim circled each other seven times. Good thing they didn’t do this before they walked down the aisle. If you’ve ever seen that contest held at minor league ballparks where fans have to circle a bat ten times and then run to first base, you see they get totally disoriented. Bride and groom might have veered off and crashed into trees or trampled through the audience. You don’t want that.

Fortunately, that was at the beginning of the service, stepping on the glass was at the end. If the glass breaking immediately followed the circling, both Matt and Kim would be stomping around for ten minutes trying to find the glasses.

What struck me the most about the ceremony was that I had never seen my son happier. Nor Kim. This is one couple that truly is meant to be together.

The key to any good wedding of course is the efficiency of the bartenders. And I’m happy to say Charlie Sheen would be proud to hire this crew. 

Matt’s sister, Annie was a big hit. The dessert was gourmet cupcakes and Annie designed a replica Fenway Park to showcase them (complete with a hand-drawn Green Monster). And then her speech was one of the highlights of the night. Example: “When my brother told me he had a new girlfriend who was also an engineer and loves the Red Sox I thought, ‘my brother has an imaginary girlfriend’.”

For their first dance Matt and Kim selected “Sweet Caroline”, a Bosox staple. Thank goodness the Dodgers aren't their favorite team. Their first dance might have been “Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?”

Here’s one tradition I never understood: The bride and groom on chairs hoisted into the air. Held up by eight drunk groomsmen. Safer to me would be walking into the biker bar and telling them to keep it down.

Wow! Matt is marrying into a family that can really dance.

My speech was delivered during the rehearsal dinner. Here is an excerpt -- wedding tips for the happy couple. You’re welcome to heed them yourself.

Find out what Paul Newman & Joanne Woodward did for fifty and just do that.

If you decide to have children, the best way to love them is to love each other first.

Find something other than a Red Sox win to set the mood for sex.

Remove your names from Match.com.

Intimacy is vitally important. At least once a day text each other that you love them.

Making mix tapes is douchy. You’re married now. Cut that crap out.

Move your parents down on your speed dial. Your spouse is number one.

Breathe Right strips help prevent snoring. Get some.

Be supportive of each other’s work. Since neither of you have a freaking clue as to what the other does, at least be positive.

Never eat at Jerry’s Deli.

And finally -- Love will keep you together. Laughter will keep you in love.

All in all, a spectacular event. Even the bikers got a little choked up.  Congratulations again, from your sappy old dad.

Minor league announcer quits on the air

Life in the minors isn't as idyllic as BULL DURHAM would have you believe.  Recently, the Lake County Fielders, from the North American Baseball League, experienced a mutiny.  On July 9, Lake County manager Tim Johnson resigned before a game and eleven of his players refused to play in protest.  Apparently they were not getting paid.  (No, Frank McCourt had nothing to do with this.  Actually, a part owner of the Fielders is Kevin Costner.) 

Things got wackier.  A few nights later, Jose Canseco player/manager of an opposing team pitched against the Fielders.  The following day, Lake County traded nine players and released fourteen others.

And then their play-by-play announcer, Qumar Zaman, quit on the air.  Here's his final sign-off and it's a doozy. 

Let's go shopping at the Sky Mall

Summer is officially here, which means summer travel. After you’ve had a relaxing morning removing all your clothes in front of a thousand strangers who are also shedding their garments, getting a full-body X-Ray, finding no room in the overhead compartments for your carry-on, being squeezed into a center seat between a fat person and a screaming baby, and sitting out on the tarmac for an hour before taking off, you’re duly rewarded by the chance to shop from the comfort of your undersized seat. Time for another look at the SkyMall magazine to see what great gifts at great prices are currently being offered.  These are actual items. And still more functional than some of the wedding gifts my son Matt & Kim received. 

You’re welcome, by the way.

“The Peeing Boy of Brussels” Statue and Fountain – Class up your joint with this delightful fountain of a boy urinating. $175 (includes pump but you must provide your own yellow dye)
 
Sunglasses That Float – For really stupid people who think this is a great life preserver. $89.95 (but what’s the price of saving your life?)


A electronic grocery list organizer – Now you’ll never have to write a shopping list ever again! Just think of all the paper and ink you’ll save! Only $89.99.

The Weed Whacking Golf Driver – Brings new meaning to multi-tasking. $39.95

The Grand Tiki Table – Who wouldn’t want this tasteful item in their home? $99.95.

The Headache Relieving Wrap – Yes, it may appear to be like any other normal head wrap, but it was developed by a neurologist (although they don’t say who). And don’t let the fact that people are laughing at you for wearing it take away from the supposed benefits. Sure you could take a Tylenol for thirty cents, but isn’t it better to buy this for only $49,95?

The Eye Fatigue Preventing Fit Over Sunglasses – They go over your regular glasses and dwarf your face making you look 80 years-old, but at only $79,95 they’re a real bargain. Unless you go into CVS and get the same thing for six bucks.

The Always Cool Pillow – As opposed to taking any pillow and just putting it in the refrigerator for ten minutes. $89.95. Unless of course, by “cool” they’re referring to being in style – in which case, this item is a steal because you know hard it is to keep up with pillow fashion.


Bone Shaped Pillows – For your dogs. Comes in seven colors even though dogs can’t see colors. $19.95. Buy a bunch because dogs tend to eat bones.


Authentic Notre Dame Bench – along with authentic Notre Dame splinters. $249.99. I’d get a couple of dog bone pillows because those benches are hard.


Captain Jack Sparrow’s Sword Letter Opener – Because you know how much mail pirates get! $19.95.

Captain Jack Sparrow’s Onyx Flower Ring – Something like this should cost an arm and a peg leg but it’s yours for only $129.00!

The World’s First Hands-Free Home Use Laser Hair Therapy Treatment to Combat Hair Loss – Hannibal Lector-type helmet for men who can’t be embarrassed enough by wearing jaw-dropping toupees. $499.

Chemistry Clock – Each number relates to the corresponding atomic element. Here’s what it says about you – you’re organized, scientific, and will never get laid in a million-trillion years. $29.95.

Have your credit card ready! 

The Levine/Shultz wedding

This is a very special day.  My son Matt managed to find "the one" and today he and Kim are getting married.  (She found "the one" too.)  I couldn't be more thrilled.  Talk about two people made for each other.  They both watch Red Zone every Sunday during football season.  They both are crazed Red Sox fans.  They both can provide tech help when I need it.  

We're so delighted to welcome Kim into our loving-albeit-strange family.  I know she and Matt will enrich each others lives and provide each other with joy, laughter, and Fantasy Football tips for years and years to come. 

I love you both.   And I'm going to sign off now before someone sings "Sunrise/Sunset" and I start to cry.   Mazal tov. 

Dad

Carmageddon

In honor of Carmageddon here's a very funny video.  They have been alternate versions but this is one devoted to LA's current situation -- the 405 Freeway, which connects the Valley to the Westside is closed all weekend for repairs.  Look, when you're talking comedy gold, you can't beat Hitler.   For the folks in Los Angeles, you might as well watch.  You're not going anywhere.

From the 405 to the 4077

The main corridor between the San Fernando Valley and the Westside of Los Angeles will be closed starting tonight all through the weekend. The traffic should be so bad that even though I’m currently in Palo Alto, we should still have grid lock. Anyway, here are some Friday questions to ponder while LA people frantically try to get out of town, and non-LA people laugh hysterically.

Gazzoo starts us off:

Your final writing credit for MASH was “Goodbye Radar”, apparently written as the 7th season finale but held back (at the network’s request) till the 8th season. Did Gary Burghoff or anyone have special requests for the episode in terms of storyline or particular scenes? And by the time the episode was produced you and David were no longer the head writers, did the new regime tinker with your script at all? Any other tidbits?

No one had any special requests, but David and I were very adamant that we didn’t want a sappy ending. That’s why we constructed the final sequence so that all of the final goodbyes were during triage and the farewells had to be quick and on the run.

I’m a big fan of “little touches”. Hawkeye discovering Radar’s teddy bear on his bed says more about how Radar matured from the MASH experience than any speech could have ever done, no matter how eloquently it was written.

We also wanted to send Radar home happy. Henry Blake was killed and Frank went bonkers. We wanted Radar to return home having benefited somewhat from the experience. He grew up and found love in Korea.

Originally it was a just a single episode but when CBS decided to push it back into the 8th season they asked that it be expanded into a two-parter.

The new staff rewrote very very little of our draft (thanks for that, guys). I don’t believe a line was changed from the entire final act. One day I’ll get Gary Burghoff to write about the episode from his perspective.


Richard Leslie Lewis is a British writer who just came back from a BBC Writers’ Festival. Showrunners there claimed they only wanted to see original specs. So here’s his question:

Why do American companies insist on writers specing current shows?

Because we want to see how you write other peoples’ shows. Can you capture the tone and style? Do your characters sound like the actual characters on the show? Yes, everyone is looking for that fresh new voice, but in America, more than likely, your first job (or several jobs) will be toiling on someone else’s show. Can you adapt to their vision? 


Mirror James (also from England) wonders:

Steven Moffat and Russell T. Davies, his predecessor on Doctor Who, often seem to be the targets of abuse from people who claim to be fans. Everything from saying they can't write to accusations of running a so-called "gay agenda", in which the mere acknowledgement that gay people exist is apparently "shoving it down their throats".

Have you ever had a bad experience with a fan who claims to love a show yet can't seem to do anything other than hurl insults?

Only all the time. Fans are passionate about their shows. I got a hate letter on MASH from someone who thought Hawkeye was being too mean to Radar. Other loyal MASH viewers claimed in profanity-laced missives that I was a liberal Commie dupe hell bent on destroying America.

The "gay agenda" complaint was a staple on FRASIER.  Referring to this and the "we're too liberal" charge on MASH, I like to think we had an "open minded agenda". 

My favorite was a letter I received when David and I were showrunning the MARY series. It started out like this:

Dear Producers,


Recently I read an article in TV GUIDE that spoke of the growing cocaine problem in the television industry. At first I thought they were grossly exaggerating, but then I watched an episode of your show…

I will say this though – no one ever called me an “asshat”.


And finally, from Chris:

How do they shoot/do those scenes when the audience laughs just when the camera zooms on something, like a silent opening with the camera zooming on what a character is reading and just then the audience starts to laugh?

I assume you mean a studio audience. There are always monitors overhead and they will be invited to watch them for particular scenes or moments. Often special scenes will be pre-shot and just shown to the audience. What they see is what you’ll see at home so they receive the same surprise.

What’s your question?

My thoughts on the Emmy nominations

The Emmy nominations were announced today. I slept through them. I hope I don’t do that through the ceremony too. The first thing I did was scan down to make sure Margo Martindale was nominated for her work on JUSTIFIED. She was. I’m happy. Glad that a few of the JUSTIFIED cast members got noms – Timothy Oliphant and Walton Goggins – but sorry the series didn’t get a Best Drama nomination or writing nomination. That said, it’s hard to argue with any of the choices for Best Show in either Comedy or Drama. As for Mini-series – whatever. They’re probably all amazing. I don’t watch Mini-series.

BIG BANG THEORY got Best Comedy love for the first time. BREAKING BAD got zero nominations due to a technicality – they didn’t have any shows air during the eligibility period.

I don’t watch GLEE. Did the actors who got nominated from that show survive the recent firings? If no, if one of the fired cast members got nominated, then that’s who I’m rooting for.

They should just change the category of Guest Actor/Actress in a Drama to Guest Movie Star in a Drama.

I think BOARDWALK EMPIRE is going to have a tougher time winning an Emmy for Best Drama than Golden Globe. I’m guessing MAD MEN wins again this year. They had one of their strongest seasons.

Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy got recognized for their work in BRIDESMAIDS by each receiving Emmy nominations.

What a shock – Betty White got nominated.

I wonder how many actors who were nominated were originally not approved by the network and only got the gig because the show runners fought for them? I bet a half dozen at least.

My sincerest congratulations to all the nominees. Now begins that lovely bask period.

Again this year I’ll be reviewing the Emmys… if I’m awake. I imagine the theme will be Celebrating the Rich History of Television Excellence and then not show any program that aired before 1990.

This is my second post of the day so if you’re just arriving for the first time, stick around for my HARRY POTTER post just below.   My Ted Danson to CSI thoughts will be on Twitter.  You're welcome to follow me.  Thanks.

The new Harry Potter movie

I hate to be out of touch! I always feel so inadequate when there’s a national phenomenon and I’m out of the loop. As a blogger of popular culture (not that anybody is paying me… or even asking me to be a blogger of popular culture) I do sort of feel it’s my responsibility to stay up with current trends. That’s why I watched AMERICAN IDOL (until it became too mind numbing even for me). That’s why I watched Oprah (well, maybe not “watch” per se, but I did see clips on THE SOUP). I’d watch MTV to see the hottest new bands but they don’t play music on MTV anymore (so the “M” now just stands for what, Money?). I’m familiar with video games like Bio-Shock (so I can accept compliments from people who think I’m the Ken Levine who created it). I own an iPad. The point is – I make it my business to ride zeitgeists like they were plow horses.

So it pains me to say, with the final HARRY POTTER movie coming out this week, that I am not into Harry Potter.

I tried. I read the first book and loved it. So brimming with imagination. Saw the first movie and thought they did an excellent job of translating it to film. But by nature, I’m not a big fantasy guy.

I read another Harry Potter book along the way. Enjoyed it but not as much. 700 pages is a lot of wizards and wands for me. Saw one of the other Harry movies. Same thing. Okay but didn’t grab me.

And then last year, all the hoopla about the final two installments coming out. And the emphatic declarations that this would indeed be the end of the series. The kids in the cast are now old enough to star in THE SUNSHINE BOYS.

I didn’t catch part one when it was released during the holiday season. Misreading the zeitgeist horribly, I just naturally assumed everyone was going to be flocking to BURLESQUE.

But I was curious. Not curious enough to do anything but mildly interested just the same.

And then recently my daughter Annie and her writing partner, Jonathan rented the DVD of part one and invited me to watch it with them. Perfect! I thought. I’ll be able to catch up and at the same time enjoy a rip-roaring movie.

I made it through an hour. I was so confused. And that’s with Annie & Jon trying to fill me in.  Harry and the gang fly to some house somewhere in the moors to hide from someone, but the location is not so secret that they can’t entertain guests and even have an outdoor party. And then suddenly they’re back in London at a present day coffee shop and then another old house where a creature arrives and then someone else, and then they go through a portal to another world where they have to get a locket, and then it becomes MAD MEN meet THE MATRIX, and now Harry has to wear the locket, and every so often he has dreams where he can see what evil his nemesis is doing, and… WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING??

If you’ve followed the series and are up on Harry Potter lore all of this made complete sense. Annie & Jon were having a rollicking good time. My head was about to explode.

So I won’t be seeing the new HARRY POTTER movie that opens this weekend. I feel bad about that. Not bad enough to go back and watch six movies or read 15,000 pages, but I do feel like I've been excluded from a club. And not a real exclusive club either. A club that’s easier to join than Costco.

Still, this is one worldwide craze I’m going to have sit out. Enjoy the final HARRY POTTER. I hope it lives up to all your expectations or even exceeds them. And don’t worry about me. I’ll be in the theater next door, hedging my bet just in case there will be a BAD TEACHER 2-9.

Meeting Prince Charles

Thank God I’m getting out of town. My son Matt is getting married on Sunday in the Bay Area so I’m outta here. But he could not have picked a more perfect weekend (or girl for that matter) than this one because starting late Friday night it is CARMEGEDDON in Los Angeles. You’ve probably heard about it… even in the outer reaches of Bhutan. The freeway that is the major artery between the Westside of LA and the San Fernando Valley will be closed for over 50 hours this weekend as they make improvements and knock down a bridge. Why they can’t knock down the bridge during normal traffic flow is beyond me. So a few cars are crushed? We’re talking MAJOR inconvenience here. Fortunately, I’ll be miles away heavily drinking.

There was a rumor that the reason for the closure was the visit by Will & Kate. Not true. And even if it were, they need 55 hours to get from the 110 to the Santa Monica Freeway? W & K are in town but just getting around via simple motorcade and police escort.

Still, it reminds me of when Prince Charles came to Twentieth Century Fox to visit MASH. This was 1977 or ’78. I meet so much royalty I never can keep the dates straight. Truth be told, he was really there to see CHARLIE’S ANGELS but since he was in the neighborhood…

The studio wanted to look its best for the prince so all the buildings were re-painted. Well… not all the buildings. Only the sides of the buildings that were in his view along his motorcade route. So it would be the front of one, the side of another, etc.

And before you say, “that’s unbelievable” let me just correct you and say “that’s typical”.

I did get to meet Prince Charles. Was in a receiving line on the MASH stage. When I shook his hand I just couldn’t resist. I asked, “What career advice would you give young people thinking of getting into your profession?” To his credit he laughed. But my reception on BBC America is always bad and every British Airlines flight I’ve ever taken since has been delayed.

Happy driving, Los Angeles.

SPOILER ALERT: A post about spoiler alerts

Mary McNamara wrote a great article yesterday in the LA Times on SPOILER ALERTS. In this age of Twitter and instant communication it’s more difficult to keep endings secret.

As a blogger I try to be sensitive to this issue (I’m also a screenwriter and would hate to have my surprise ending revealed before I have your money or Neilson has recorded that you’ve watched my show), but at some point you have to say, come on, I’m not leaking atomic secrets here!

At what point is it reasonably fair to discuss a movie or show’s plot points? Emily Post’s etiquette guide has no guidelines for internet and social network traffic. What good is she?!

Ms. McNamara contends that once a show airs on NATIONAL TELEVISION it should be fair game. I agree. As a producer, my beef with networks was always giving away surprises in the promos before the episode even aired. Same with movie trailers. But once a project is out there for public consumption, then all bets are off.

You want to wait until the end of a season, rent the DVD, and watch a whole year of THE GOOD WIFE at one time? Fine. Then avoid any blogs, articles, Twitter mentions, and any of the 20,000,000 people who have already seen the show.

I get angry readers all the time who complain that I have spoiler alerts. Even if I hold off a couple of days. One guy from England was really pissed because I discussed an episode of 24 and they were a season behind over there. I’m supposed to wait a year after a show airs in America before I can post about it?  Is it okay yet to reveal who shot J.R.?

It’s almost impossible to write a review without giving away something. Otherwise, what are you writing?

BRIDESMAIDS is a very funny comedy about… some women who have something in common all tied to a certain event. If you plan on attending such an event you really should see this movie.

I never read reviews of movies I’m looking forward to seeing. And if I know it’s one everybody is going to be talking about I see it as soon as possible. If there’s a TV show I DVR, the onus is on me to see it before the cast is on INSIDE THE ACTOR’S STUDIO.

If you’re in a restaurant and you overhear some loudmouth at the next table give away the ending to THE CRYING GAME there’s nothing you can do (unless you just want to never leave your place – and avoiding spoiler alerts is a really poor reason for becoming an agoraphobic), but you don’t have to always be on Twitter, or Facebook, or ESPN (if you don’t want hear a certain score).

Spoilers are annoying but to me the trade off is that we now get information so much faster – almost instantaneously. Isn’t it better in general to know too much instead of not enough?

Has the sitcom bar been lowered?

In a hotel room not long ago I found myself channel surfing. First I checked the pay channels. None of the recently released Hollywood features were any good. God, Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston have made some bad movies. And their one together is biblical in its badness. I bet hotels are really starting to take a bath on this feature. Now that everyone has a laptop we can Netflix and see the same “blockbusters” for free (although warning: that Sandler/Aninston bomb will likely crash your computer faster than any Trojan Virus). And who needs to pay for softcore “Adult Fare” when there are only a billion hardcore porn sites right there at your idle hand fingertips?

So I just surfed through the stations. I had seen the LAW & ORDER, LAW & ORDER SVU, LAW & ORDER: UK, and LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT that were all playing. ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT has become CHARLIE SHEEN TONIGHT. Some college basketball game from only two months ago was being replayed on ESPN “CLASSIC”. And FOX NEWS was blaming Obama for the tornadoes.

Finally, I came upon a CHEERS episode. It had just started. From the teaser I recognized it as one my partner, David Isaacs and I had written. It was from one of the later years and I remember it not really being our best work. When you write 40 episodes of a series there are going to be your favorites and your least favorites. This was in the latter category. Not that I thought it was bad per se, just… “okay”. One of those episodes that fills out the season.

So needless to say, I hadn’t seen it in awhile. Years actually. Why would I want to go back and watch something I didn’t particularly like?

Okay, I can almost hear you screaming at the screen. “Which episode was it??!!”

It was the one where Norm & Cliff, as a goof, cancel Frasier’s credit card, so the card is rejected when Frasier tries to settle up his tab, and this ultimately escalates into a big fight between Sam and Frasier. The B-plot is Woody becoming addicted to the shopping channel.

Anyway, I decided to watch it. And was pleasantly surprised. There were some really good laughs in there. The stories, although trifles at best, zipped along. Woody, in particular, was terrific. It was a lot funnier than I had remembered it. And let me just say that’s not always the case. More often than not a show I originally liked I see again and want to give back my WGA card.

But when this episode was over I was left with an odd reaction. You’d think I’d be very pleased but I wasn’t. I was more puzzled than anything else. Why? This one question kept surfacing:

Was this episode actually better and funnier than I had recalled. Or has the bar of television sitcoms just been so lowered now that what still is an average episode of CHEERS seems better than it is?

Now I’m not talking about the truly excellent episodes of today’s best comedies. I’m sure you can put this year’s Emmy nominees up against the best from any era. But this was hardly an Emmy-worthy episode of CHEERS. So pitting this against the general quality of sitcom today, does it stand on its own or rise in comparison?

I have no answer.

And you, from your perspective, might say this episode of CHEERS is far worse than what’s usually on today. That’s fair too.

So I’ll throw it open for discussion. One middling episode of CHEERS aside, do you think the bar has been lowered in today’s situation comedy? I’ll be checking back from time to time to see what you say. At the moment though, I’ve got to chase a few kids off my lawn. Thanks.

On another note:

I just made 20 short videos in which I answer the questions I'm most commonly asked about writing sitcoms. You can check 'em out here. I'll be hurt if I don't go viral.

Another typical Hollywood story

I was doing ALMOST PERFECT, the CBS mid 90’s sitcom that starred Nancy Travis. In the show, Nancy’s character had a cat, “Charlie”. We used him in about five episodes. Then I get a call from the cat’s owner/trainer/agent. He tells me that Charlie has been offered the lead in the remake of THAT DARN CAT but I was not to fret. Charlie really liked working on the show and with us. So he’ll stay with our show if we would up his fee and guarantee him all episodes produced. Naturally I was touched by Charlie’s loyalty.

I said as much as we too loved working with Charlie and greatly admired his many talents, I would hate to stand in the way of his feature career so I passed on his offer.

Unbelievably, we somehow managed to find another gray cat that could sit in a chair.

But here’s the thing…

A year later ALMOST PERFECT gets cancelled. I’m driving home, feeling really bummed out and I gaze up at a billboard touting a certain movie. My entire cast is out of work and there’s Charlie, the fucking cat, starring in a major motion picture, staring down on me, his Cheshire-like face plastered on a HUGE billboard on the Sunset Strip.

I lost track of Charlie after that. To my knowledge he didn’t catch on in films. That business can be so cruel. He probably returned to television and if there’s any justice he’s doing ARSENIC & OLD LACE in dinner theatre somewhere in Iowa tonight.

The moral: Use a litter box because you never know who you’re going to meet on the way down.

The real American Idol is from Britain

Talkin’ ‘bout Adele. Currently the number one singer in the country, with the biggest album of the year so far.

And she didn’t have to wear a green merkin or fly in on wires or appear in Maxim’s Hot 100 or subject herself to ten weeks of being critiqued on national television by idiots like Randy Jackson.

She’s not hot, she’s not flashy, she’s not theatrical, she’s not even from here.

Yet, her music is outselling Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Britney Spears, and even if Betty White had a CD I bet Adele would trump her. It’s great to see that for all the hype and glitz and pyrotechnics of today’s superstar acts, one woman with an extraordinary voice singing songs of depth and meaning has become such a sensation.

Here’s an example. She just sits in a chair. Adele will be on tour in the U.S. later this summer. Pull up a chair yourself.

My favorite Kirstie Alley scene

Taking time out today from preparing for tonight’s Mariners-Angel game (to be broadcast on 710 ESPN Seattle, and MLB.COM) and celebrating my wedding anniversary (love you, Deb) to answer your Friday questions… and provide a visual aid. 

Steve has a CHEERS question. I may have answered it already but it’s one I get a lot so for the sake of clarity, here it is again.

My Friday question, inspired by your discussing having written one of the early shows featuring the character of Rebecca Howe on Cheers: Can you explain what happened to her character over the course of the final seasons. She lost about 50 IQ points and became quite pathetic, whereas she started as a smart, tough, businesswoman (albeit with some quirks and vulnerabilities to leave room for comedy). Was this devolution just a function of trying to go for more comedy, or because the actress was better at more kooky material, or what?

Her change in personality seemed to be more drastic than most, so I've always wondered what the planning behind it was like.

The change came because Rebecca as the martinet just wasn’t funny. Kirstie Alley was game and it wasn’t her fault but the character as originally conceived just didn’t pop.

In one episode though, she had to fall apart for some reason and was hysterical. We realized that the more neurotic, insecure, and sexually frustrated she was – the funnier she was. So the character evolved in that direction.

Side note: One of the hardest tricks to pull off is being able to cry while still being funny. You have to feel for the character and still feel it’s okay to laugh. No one I’ve ever worked with is better at that than Kirstie. Here’s a excerpt from a CHEERS David Isaacs and I wrote called FINALLY. Kirstie is just brilliant in the last scene, making comics turns left and right.



Michael asks:

Is it common for comedy writers to switch between writing for sitcoms and late night talk shows? Did you ever have any interest in writing for a late night talk show?

It does happen frequently. Usually writers go from talk shows and just writing jokes and sketches to sitcoms, but there have been instances where it went the other way. Lots of terrific sitcom writers have used late night talk shows as a great training ground. And of course, it’s easier to make the transition when sitcom producers see you have credits like THE DAILY SHOW, LETTERMAN, JIMMY KIMMEL, etc.

Early in my career I wanted to write for SNL. But back then the show was more cutting edge and I was more receptive to drugs. I think it would be fun to write for THE DAILY SHOW, COLBERT REPORT, JIMMY KIMMEL, or maybe CONAN just to see how those shows work. I have zero desire to write for THE TONIGHT SHOW.


From DavidMB:

In last week's Leverage Eric Stoltz, a rather big-time actor, had a significant role that wasn't credited. When and why does this happen?

Usually when that happens the actor is just doing someone a favor. The sometime Catch-22 is that you want to capitalize on the stunt casting by heavily promoting the actor’s appearance and yet he wants to just slip in uncredited.


And finally, this from Caleb the Curious Cat:

Just a follow-up on residuals. We know you don't get diddily-squat on DVDs, but how does it work with syndication of a show you've written? For instance MASH and Cheers seem to be running continually now for what seems like forever and Volunteers pops up every now and again (and when it does, it runs a dozen or more times for about two weeks before disappearing again). Are residuals on a sliding scale payment-wise the further away from first run or are they constantly the same no matter the time span?

Yes, residuals are on a sliding scale. The WGA has a department that is supposed to monitor this. I get checks occasionally but honestly, I have no idea if I’m being short-changed. I imagine I am. Studios tend to do that. Frequently. All the time. Habitually.

Please leave your question in the comments section. Thanks.  And Go Mariners!

A Day in the Life Of...

Hello from Anaheim where I'll be calling this weekend's grudge match between the host Angels and the Mariners for 710 ESPN Seattle, the Mariners' Radio Network, and MLB.COM.   Recently I contributed an article for the Mariners' monthly magazine.  It was about "what I learned writing a Broadway musical".  It was rejected.   Then I wrote this.  Maybe they'll use it.  Even if you're not a baseball fan, hopefully you'll still find it worth quickly scrolling.  (Note:  It's been revised to make more sense to blog readers)

DAY IN THE LIFE OF A MARINERS’ BROADCASTER

Dave Sims, Kevin Cremin, me, Rick Rizzs

As one of the former Mariner announcers helping out this year on 710 ESPN radio I thought I’d share with you what a typical day is like for an M’s play-by-play broadcaster. Or at least for me.

Let’s say it’s a 7:10 game at Safeco Field. Around 3:00 we all arrive – me, Rick Rizzs, TV dudes Dave Sims & Mike Blowers, and our producer-engineer, Kevin Cremin.  Rick and I set up for the day. I spread out a scoresheet, media guides, player profiles for each team, binoculars, pencils, highlighters, stat packets, and an iPad (to see if our radio field reporter, Shannon Drayer has Tweeted about me).

Shannon Drayer

I start jotting down notes on my scoresheet. Ricky already has tons of notes scrawled on his. He probably worked two hours at home on those. At about 3:30 Rick goes down to the clubhouse to interview manager Eric Wedge for the pre-game show. Once out of the booth I copy all of his notes.

Then I trot down to the clubhouse. Here I can engage in meaningful discussions with players as they put on their socks.

When the team heads out onto the field for stretching exercises and batting practice around 4:15 the media meets with the skipper in the dugout. For fifteen minutes we pepper him with questions. Most want to know about injuries, upcoming pitching rotations, strategies, etc. I tend to ask him things like: why were Baroque artists so ornate, florid, and playful?

From there I usually head into the opponents’ clubhouse. Invariably I’ll know a few people on that team – players and coaches I covered at one time. Once we get past their shock that I’m still in the business, we usually have a nice reunion. And I compile more and more little tidbits for the broadcast.

Back out onto the field to just stand around and look important.

When the visiting team takes their batting practice (around 5:15) their manager usually meets with reporters so I stick around for that. You’d be surprised how few American League managers know about the Baroque Period.

A little before 6:00 I sashay up to the press dining room for dinner. Usually I eat with my broadcast crew and we have searing conversations like “which press dining room makes the best soup?” Imagine CHEERS with seven Cliffs.

At 7:00 the broadcast begins and that’s the REAL fun part. I can’t tell you how much I love calling Mariners baseball. Rick and Kevin are such terrific partners, I have the best view in the park, and thanks to Rick’s notes I sound relatively smart. The only thing missing, and it’s a big thing – is Dave Niehaus (who passed away last November). He will forever be THE voice of the Seattle Mariners. I’m just the grateful understudy.

After the game we select our M.V.P.’s for the night. I try to limit my candidates to players who actually got in the game.

And that’s it. I go home and buy things I see on informercials.

Thanks again to the Mariners and you for listening. I’ll be talking to you soon (tonight). I’m already preparing… and by that I mean, Rick is already preparing.

50 ways to get a script assignments

Opportunities don’t come along very often. You've gotta take advantage.

When David and I were starting out, our first sale was to THE JEFFERSONS. The story editors had liked our spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and invited us to pitch stories. If the producers responded to one of them we would get an assignment.

The ground rules: Each story had to be no longer than one paragraph. Basically loglines, the type you used to see in TV Guide when there was a TV Guide. And you could only pitch three stories.

Back then you could actually make a living as a freelance writer. Shows had smaller staffs and left a lot assignments open for freelancers. That and the sexual revolution were the two best features of the ‘70s. So THE JEFFERSONS invited quite a few people in to pitch. Giving each writer three shots seemed fair. 

We pitched our three stories. The story editors liked one and passed it up the line to the producers. A week later we get a call. The producers didn’t buy our story. Shit!

But we were invited back to pitch three more. Which we did. And they liked one of them. Again, it was passed up the line. And this time the producers responded favorably. We got our first assignment!

Flash forward a few months. Among the other clients at the agency that represented us was Gene Reynolds, the showrunner of MASH. Our agents submitted our draft of THE JEFFERSONS and Gene liked it well enough to invite us in for a general meeting. George Jefferson is so similar to Hawkeye that if you can write one show it just stands to reason you can write the other.

We did feel we could write MASH, primarily because we had both spent some time in the army and had a good handle on that world and its idiocy. The meeting was lovely. Gene loaded us down with research material and said he’d be happy to entertain some story pitches from us. As we left, I asked how many? He shrugged and said, “I dunno.  As many as you got.”

A week later we were back in his office. And we had prepared fifty story notions. That’s right. 5-0. Given this once-in-a-lifetime chance to write a MASH there was no way we were going to walk out of that room without an assignment.

Gene liked two of the first ten and put them together. After that he stopped us. His head was exploding. We got the assignment. (It was the episode where the gas heater exploded and Hawkeye was temporarily blind. (Sorry. I should’ve said SPOILER ALERT.)

Now you may think that with fifty story ideas, selling at least one would be a cinch.  We thought so, too.  But no. 

Another show we got to pitch was MAUDE. There they let us come in with ten stories. Same deal as with THE JEFFERSONS (same company). The story editor liked one of our ideas but the producers above him nixed it. This happened five separate times. So we were 0-50 with MAUDE.

Meanwhile, on MASH, we wrote three episodes for them that season, and the following year we were brought aboard as story editors. We moved up the chain eventually to head writers. And I would say over the next couple of years we probably did 39 of the 50 ideas we originally pitched. Hey, we liked them when we came up with them; we liked them two years later.

The point is, whatever the opportunity – pitching shows, pilots, interviewing for PA positions or mailroom gigs, or whatever – do the maximum. And then do a lot more. Show more initiative than anyone else in the room. And never lose that mindset.  I’ve since become friends with that story editor from MAUDE and damn it, we’re still going to get as assignment on that freaking show!

"Hello, I have a collect call from Wesley Snipes..."

Here are some holiday leftovers...

Hope you had a great 4th of July. I did. Went down to Redondo Beach at Great Big Radio Guy’s place to watch the fireworks. And unlike a couple of years ago, there was no thick fog. That was bizarre. They shot off the fireworks anyway. Here's an example.  This was either a one big starburst or series of clusters, but it/they were awesome!

Not surprised that LARRY CROWNE flopped. Writer friend R. R. has a theory: No American film which has any adults riding on motor scooters with helmets on can be any good at all. He’s right.

One of the sponsors of Dodger baseball (at least on Time-Warner Cable) Friday night was AshleyMadison.com. This is a dating website for married people who want to engage in affairs. You have the great Vin Scully calling the game and commercials advocating infidelity. This to me is more unbelievable than the Dodgers filing for bankruptcy.

And if AshleyMadison.com is looking for a new spokesman, can I suggest Chris Hansen, the host of the NBC’s “To Catch a Predator”?

PAGE ONE, the documentary on the New York Times is a terrific movie. It might not be playing in your area because they need all the screens for TRANSFORMERS 3 but keep an eye out for it.

Speaking of TRANSFORMERS, as you probably know, I’m not a huge fan of Michael Bay. Trey Parker & Matt Stone wrote this beautiful love song for TEAM AMERICA that pretty much expresses my sentiments as well. Thanks to my daughter, Annie for alerting me to it.



One of the funniest spec screenplays I ever read was called HORRIBLE BOSSES by Michael Markowitz. I sure hope the movie is good.

Recently, during  one of Sarah Palin's stirring speeches she said Paul Revere's famous ride was to warn the British. Oh really?  Then wouldn't his famous saying be, "You are coming!  You are coming!"? 

Oh the injustice! Derek Jeter is having a horrible year. And he’s been injured a good part of the season (the part where the Yankees are winning). Yet, the baseball fans around the country named him one of the American League starters for the All-Star Game next week. Here’s the injustice – why didn’t Ichiro also get elected? He’s having just as off a year as Jeter. And for that matter, why the snub of Lenny Dykstra? Just cause he’s retired and now in prison? If we’re going to entrust the sacred responsibility of selecting All-Star starters to the fans (after all, the game now means something – what, I don’t know but still), then there’s an obligation to be fair. I’m very disappointed. And I know Lenny is. He called me on PrisonerConnect.com.

Now you’re going to think this is a spoof but it’s NOT. This is a commercial that has run on CNN. There actually is a service called PrisonerConnect.com. Have a look.



Like they say in the commercial: "How can you go wrong?" Women, your lonely nights are over!

How did the Time-Warner Cable Dodger salesmen miss this? 

There’s supposed to be a big Facebook announcement tomorrow. Speculation is either a new video chat feature or dead people will now be able to poke you.

Great HuffingtonPost headline: Could Wind Farms Blow Earth Off Orbit?

Yes, it’s a tragedy but the irony is just too great. Another recent HuffingtonPost headline: Motorcyclist Dies On Ride Protesting Helmet Law

And finally from HuffPost:  Woman Caught Sneaking Man Out Of Prison in Suitcase After Conjugal Visit.

I hate interleague play.  Glad it's over. 

And finally...

I’m thinking of putting out a home version of 101 WAYS TO LEAVE A GAME SHOW. It comes complete with game board, questions, and explosives.

Fireworks

I hope you enjoy fireworks tonight without blowing your hand off. I never quite got the attraction of holding lit sticks with small explosives made in unknown countries by craftsmen who earn nineteen cents a month.

Being a baseball announcer I see firework shows at least five times a year. They’re usually on when I’m doing the postgame show, trying to read out-of-town scores while the raid on Osama is going on in the background.

When I broadcast for the Mariners in the '90s we used to have indoor fireworks at the Kingdome. That never seemed like a good idea, and in fact ceiling tiles began plummeting to the ground.

And then of course there was the post game fireworks show at MacArthur Stadium when I was broadcasting for the Syracuse Chiefs. A spark started a brush fire beyond the left field wall.

But the best fireworks show I ever heard of was on July 5th, 1985. It was supposed to be a July 4th show. The Atlanta Braves were hosting the New York Mets that night. The game went 19 innings and ended at 3:55 in the morning. At 4:01 the show began. I’m sure the twelve people in the stands LOVED it.

This weekend I'll be broadcasting for the Mariners on 710 ESPN Seattle.  We'll be in Anaheim for a four game series with the Angels.  And Friday night is fireworks night.  


Happy July 4th weekend. Drive safe out there.

If GPS Systems could really talk

A lot of folks are on the road this holiday weekend, giving their GPS systems a real workout.  My GPS guide is so nice. She’s incredibly patient with me. Whenever I disobey her instructions she just assumes I have a good reason and re-calibrates. What a gal! And she’s always cheerful. Never any PMS from my GPS. But sometimes I wonder, what is she really thinking? What would she be saying if she had a few tequila shooters first? And now I can’t help it. Whenever she gently speaks this is what I’m hearing in my head:

“Left turn ahead. What the fuck?! You missed the street. LEFT! How hard a fucking concept is that to you? LEFT!"

“Left turn ahead. SHIT! You missed it again! Are you a fucking moron? Jesus! Those fucking test monkeys can do it. At the next street, TURN LEFT ASSHOLE!”

“Left turn ahead. What? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me! Okay. Pull over. Stop the Goddamn car. Right now. Stop it! Hold out your left arm. Don’t give me shit, just do it! Well, halle-friggin-luiah ! Brain-dead boy knows his left from his right. So why can’t you do that when I tell you? Okay, new rules: The next time I tell you to turn left and you don’t I’m taking you right off the Santa Monica Pier. “

“At the next intersection make a legal U-turn. Oh hell, there’s no cops here. Whip it around now!”

“At the next – Jesus, how would you describe it? Wide right? Almost straight but curves a little? Whatever. You’ll fuck it up anyway.”

“Do you ever plan on washing this car?”

“Why did you pick the freeway route? This is going to take forever. What, are you afraid someone is going to car jack you if you take a city street? You are such a pussy!”

“Hey, turn down the fucking radio! I’m talking to you. And what the hell are you listening to Michael Buble for anyway?”

“I know it’s not the direct route but I like to look at the pretty stores. Suck it up.”

“Don’t answer that call. You can’t do one thing at a time much less two.”

“In one half mile, stick your finger in the lighter socket. Just kidding.”

“No. I refuse to take anybody to Applebees.”

“The Washington Monument? You need directions to the Washington Monument? You can’t fucking see it? Are you retarded?”

“You have arrived at your destination. Leave the car unlocked and the key in the ignition. Maybe someone with a sense of direction will steal the car.”

I think from now on I’ll just print up Mapquest directions.

For anyone who hates assholes that text in theaters...

You're going to LOVE this!  This is going to make your holiday weekend.

THE OFFICE recut as a traditional sitcom

Okay,this is brilliant! THE OFFICE recut as a typical cheesy 80s or 90s sitcom. It was made by benny2700, whoever that is. So put your Walkman down, stop playing Pong for a few moments and enjoy this video.

How much do writers really make on DVD sales?

Happy July! Let’s kick off the month with some Friday Questions.

Drew gets us started:

You mentioned the props for Cheers a few weeks back. I was thinking that being in charge of props and wardrobe has to be a nightmare. If there is a scene with a birthday cake, are their multiple copies in case an actor drops it? Are their multiples of the actor's shirt in case the cake is dropped on said shirt?

The answer to your question is yes. There are multiples of wardrobe and props. And that exact example happened on the first show I ever directed. In fact, it happened on the first scene. It was an episode of WINGS involving a birthday cake and Crystal Bernard drops it accidentally on camera. The good news is (a) we had another cake, and (b) that blooper appeared on Dick Clark’s blooper show for years. I made more on that clip then I ever did from all the DVD sales of CHEERS and MASH. Which neatly leads us to the next question:


Paul Nikkel asks:

I recently purchased the entire 11 season DVD collection for Cheers and am enjoying reliving old memories. I always look for episodes that you and David have written. My question is how do royalties work for the writers on DVD's? With my purchase can you now afford that new BMW you have been looking at or do I need to get 10 of my closest friends to purchase the series so you can buy a Starbucks Latte?

I’d need a hundred of your best friends to buy the full collection before my royalties could buy me a cup of coffee at 7-11’s. It’s a joke. Hopefully, in the last contract, by gaining a toehold in streaming video, writers will eventually make even a small portion of what we deserve. Or I’m just dreaming. 

Meanwhile, DVD sales have plummeted.  The major studios are crying.  Boo fucking hoo.  


From DyHardMET:

Say that you're an established writer on an established series (into at least season 2 or 3)...is it more difficult to have to write for a new, unestablished regular character than it is to write for the established characters?

It’s much more difficult. The more you write for a character and hear the actor perform him the more you learn his strengths and weaknesses. With a new character it’s a crapshoot.

If a character is being introduced that will appear in several episodes or become a regular (like Rebecca on CHEERS), it’s best to have either the showrunners or a trusted staff member write the first episode or two and let the other writers use that as a template.

Glen & Les Charles wrote the episode of CHEERS that introduced Rebecca Howe. David and I wrote episode three or four (“I On Sports”) but we had Glen & Les’ draft to give us a roadmap.

It also helps if you’re writing to a specific actor. In the case of Charles Winchester on MASH, David Ogden Stiers had been hired before a script was written. In that case, David and I wrote the first episode featuring Charles. It was not the episode that introduced him. Jim Fritzell & Everett Greenbaum were assigned that one but they had our script for reference.

And Finally, RyderDA asks:

I've noticed that in a comedy or drama series, occasionally, guest actors (in large or small parts) drop in, and "click", fitting in instantly, making the series new and fresh. Then they come back, and stick around. The most obvious example of this currently is the ever-growing cast of GLEE. I'm wondering how a you as a producer/director/writer handle this without letting it get out of hand and allowing the cast to balloon (like happened on E.R., the West Wing, Ally McBeal, etc), and how the principles of the series respond to it.

If an outside character breaks out it’s a true gift from God. Christopher Lloyd as Reverend Jim on TAXI and Michael Emerson as Ben on LOST are just a couple that come quickly to mind.

But there are definite considerations – the budget being the first. Can you afford to add another actor? It’s easier to justify on established hit shows.

Then, as you brought up, you have to deal with your current cast. Chances are they don’t feel they get enough screen time as it is and now they’ll have even less. Things can get a little frosty on the set for awhile depending on the cast. I suppose it’s a little easier on hour dramas where you can just kill cast members off. This keeps the budget down and certainly curtails any grousing. I guess on GLEE they could kill off some of the kids. They could also just graduate them but that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun.

What’s your question? Happy holiday weekend. Please drive safely. And don’t make your own fireworks.