The REAL Newsroom

This has been a fun week. I’ve been making the rounds promoting my book. This morning I was on KRTH 101 radio with Gary Bryan in Los Angeles and 12 other radio stations around the country. A list is provided at the end of this post.

But part of the fun of this marketing blitz is sharing the behind-the-scenes shenanigans of these personal appearances. And it’s good stuff to know when you go out to sell your book.

Yesterday I made my first television appearance. I was on the Channel 9 2:00 News in L.A. My segment was a delightful respite between horrific psychos stories and grisly freeway accidents.

Channel 9 is one of two TV stations CBS owns. Their facilities are on the CBS Radford lot in Studio City. I have a long history with that dream factory. It was the home of MTM Enterprises and my partner, David Isaacs and I got our first staff job there on THE TONY RANDALL SHOW. You never forget your first lot.

We were so thrilled to be there. At the time I drove a crappy Nova and David drove an even crappier Chevy Vega. One of THE BOB NEWHART SHOW producers saw him drive in one day and yelled out, “Better cars are coming!”

We later did our Mary Tyler Moore series there on the same stage she did her good series on. But I’m proud to say some classic episodes of television were written in our very office. Not by us. After we had moved out Larry David wrote all the SEINFELD episodes there.

When things got too crazy on that MARY show we would chill out on Gilligan’s Island. How many industrial parks feature that?

I directed numerous episodes on that lot. JUST SHOOT ME, STARK RAVING MAD, and of course CONRAD BLOOM. At the time I was doing BLOOM the CBS Big Brother house was there and they were in the middle of production. The contestants were supposed to be completely cut off from the world so I would walk by, hear them in the backyard, and yell out things like “Ohmygod! President Bush is leaving his wife for Paula Zahn?” Yes, I'm still 14. 

Where the Big Brother house was now stands the sprawling Channel 2 and Channel 9 complex. My publicist Sharon and I arrived at 1:45. We were led into the newsroom. It was just like the Aaron Sorkin show except five times as many desks and no one talked fast. Most of the desks were empty. I guess psychos tend to take late lunches so not much was happening.

Bumped into anchor Sandra Mitchell coming out of the restroom. She couldn’t have been nicer or more welcoming. We shook hands, both apologizing that our hands were wet. She asked about my name pronunciation, which really impressed me. Didn’t she have enough to worry about with the massacre update, Jennifer Hudson family murder sentencing, and guy who set someone’s face on fire to concern herself with little me? I’m a big Sandra Mitchell fan.

Passed by the control room. No Emily Mortimer screaming in the anchors’ ears. And yet the newscast seemed to go on. I don’t know how.

Watched the program from the producer’s office – not easy to do without Lexapro. Finally it was time for the interview. We entered the studio and I was taken aback. I’ve been on many local news sets (and thrown off many news sets), but I had never seen anything like this before. Here’s a photo. What’s missing?

That’s right. People. No cameramen. No floor director. No make up guy. Just the two on-air anchors. No wonder we found a parking spot.

Sandra teased my segment along with a preview of an avalanche then threw it to commercial break. At this point six guys named Dave would usually swarm around me attaching my microphone. Not this time. Suzie (who was just as gracious and friendly as Sandra) put it on herself. If that would have happened twenty years ago 30,000 union workers would have gone out on strike. It’s a different world.

The interview came off pretty well. You can judge for yourself. They showed the book cover a lot so that’s the main thing.   Sandra and Susie were very complimentary.   I did have a few jokes.  But as I left I worried that I might have been too frivolous for a hard newscast.  Then I bumped into the next guest for a Channel 2 or 9 newscast --  Dodger-Elvis. Not sure what he’s going to discuss but I can only assume it’s the Middle-East.

My thanks to Sandra, Suzie, and everyone at Channel 9. Below is the interview. And as promised, these were the stations that interviewed me this morning:  WAOR South Bend, KWNG Minneapolis/St. Paul, WTDW Detroit, WMJI Cleveland, KLPX Tucson, WRTA Altoona, KTRS St. Louis, WBAL Baltimore (my old Orioles stomping ground), WVSL Scranton, WDUN Atlanta, WXKR Toledo, and KRED Eureka, CA.  By the last six I had no idea what I was saying.  

More info, photos, and cool videos on my website – www.megenerationbook.com.

Batman

Saw the new Batman movie.  Loved the last one with Heath Ledger.  This one was okay but disappointing.  Sorry fanboys.  The villain wasn't fun and you couldn't understand him. Batman may save the day, but for my money, Anne Hathaway saved the movie.  She was a treat.

But instead of doing a long review (I'm sure there are now thousands of them on line), I thought I'd do a Batman post with a different spin -- why I've always loved Batman. 

My affection for the Caped Crusade dates way back to when I was a kid. I loved the Batman comic books. Most kids preferred Superman, but I had my issues. In the back of Superman comic books there would be an ad for Palisades Amusement Park, along with a discount coupon for admission. But I lived in Los Angeles and there was no Palisades Park here. I remember thinkin’, “Superman’s fucking with me. There’s no amusement park by that name. What kind of superhero fucks with a ten year old kid?” And if there wasn’t a Palisades Park, how did I know there was a real Fortress of Solitude?  The whole myth is a house of cards.

But Batman never advertised anything that didn’t exist. Sure, you could shoot your eye out with that Daisy rifle but it was real.

Most people who prefer Batman over Superman do so because Batman was mortal. Thwarting crime is less easy I’ve observed when you can’t fly and bullets don’t bounce off your chest.

That’s a valid justification, but it’s not my deciding factor.

What I loved about Batman is that he had a secret cave. This killed me as a kid. Imagine a secret passageway in your house that led to a cave fully stocked with the latest high-tech equipment and the world’s coolest car ever.

Your best friend has a secret. He just got the Prince Fielder baseball card. Yeah, well, big whoop. You have a fuckin’ CAVE!

Mom is looking for you. It’s time to take a shower and go to bed. But she can’t find you. Why? Because you’re in your secluded CAVE, which by the way, is fully air conditioned – not like the rest of the house.

Of course, as a kid, you don’t think these things through. Yes, it’s a secret cave but Bruce Wayne had to hire some construction company to build it. How long does it take to dig a cave? How many people? Steam shovels? Dump trucks? Are we to believe they all came and went unnoticed? For months?  And that none of them said anything?   What happens when the next guy wants a cave?  You can't say you have experience in that area? 

And how do you even approach the contractor and keep the cat in the bag? “I want the cave to be large enough to house a car, control panels, and hooks where maybe I can hang costumes."  What's the contractor thinking?   Either Mr. Wayne is obviously Batman or he’s just one sick fuck (especially when he see Robin, hanging around). Plus, just dealing with the contractors – the Penguin and Riddler are probably more honest.

I guess you could be cagey. You could tell him that you’re looking to build a wine cellar... that's the size of a football field – and while he’s down there could he also put in a gasoline pump?

What about city and state permits? 

Still, none of that mattered when I was a kid, and none of that matters now. Batman has a cave – it’s a necessary job expense. And I can still dream of having one too. Hi-tech control panels, a custom plane that can fly between skyscrapers (hope he doesn't clip Spider Man along the way), decent closet space. The only thing is – I bet I won’t be able to get phone reception or WiFi. Note to Batman: Go after AT&T next.

Warning: I will be on TV today

I'll be appearing on the Channel 9 2:00 News today in Los Angeles to talk about my book, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s).  The last time I was on Channel 9 it was KHJ-TV and I appeared on the Ninth Street West dance show.   Unlike that appearance, I will not be wearing my Bar Mitzvah suit this afternoon.  But I know a lot of you have held off buying the book until you see me on television so there goes that excuse.   Here's where you go.  Thanks.   Today's real post follows shortly. 

My thoughts on the Ichiro trade

... since I've gotten like fifty emails and texts. 

It’s always tough to say goodbye to a Hall-of-Famer but I think today’s trade of Ichiro to the Yankees for two young prospects is a deal that benefits both clubs. That short rightfield porch in Yankee Stadium beckons and Ichiro is definitely an upgrade over what the Pinstripes had.

And for the Mariners, youth must be served. They have a number of good young players like Casper Wells, Michael Saunders, and Mike Carp who need playing time to blossom. This opens up a big spot.

That said, I’ll miss Ichiro’s goofy outfits on the road (what was he thinking with those pointy hats and checkerboard suits with polka dot ties?) and line drive base hits on the field.

Baseball people talk about 5 Tool Players – those rare individuals who can hit for average, hit for power, have speed, play good defense, and have a great arm. And then there are those very select few who are 6 Tool Players. In addition to the other five and they can play well in New York. Ichiro is used to media attention. He should have no problem in Gotham.

So best of luck to Ichiro… after Wednesday when the Yankees are no longer playing the Mariners.

The Ringo Starr Concert: 50 Greys In Shades

Hey, those old guys can still play!  Was fortunate enough to see the Ringo Starr All-Starr Band’s final concert Saturday night at the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles.

Ringo, looking trim in his sunglasses, was surrounded by some mainstays of classic rock radio – Steve Lukathier of Toto, Gregg Rolie of Santana and Journey, Todd Rundgren (also in sunglasses), Richard Page of Mister Mister (also also in sunglasses), Mark Rivera (Billy Joel’s sideman for three decades, three marriages, and two rehabs) and dynamite drummer Greg Bissonette. You know you’ve got an All-Star band when Ringo Starr is the back-up drummer.

I have to give these gentlemen props. They all qualify for Early Bird Dinner Specials, a few are probably eligible for Medicare, this was the last stop on a grueling two month cross-country schedule, and yet they rocked the house for two straight hours. A lot of times you get to the end of a tour and the musicians are on auto-pilot. They half-ass their set or screw with the songs because they’re sick of singing them. (I went to a Bob Dylan concert and he was so checked-out that I didn’t realize he was singing “Like a Rolling Stone” until halfway through it.) Not so with these pros. They gave it their all, playing with passion and joy reserved for musicians half their age and on twice the stimulants,

In many ways it was a “greatest hits” concert. Each performer got some spotlight time. Richard Page can still really sing, especially on “Broken Wings.” The Santana song, “Black Magic Woman” got the house on its feet, but the number that really killed was Toto’s “Africa.”

Ringo sang his big Beatles hits like “Yellow Submarine” and “Boys” along with “Photograph” and “It Don’t Come Easy” from his solo period. He also did a couple of numbers from his new album and the crowd politely sat through them.

As a surprise treat, Joe Walsh came out and did “Rocky Mountain Way.” Imagine Sid Caesar wailing on a Fender.

I’m guessing it’s because this was L.A. and the final stop of the tour but what a finale! Everyone sang “With a Little Help From My Friends” and they were joined by (among others) Micky Dolenz, Matt Sorum, Peter Frampton, Edgar Winter, Ringo’s lawyer, and some guy in a white suit who parked right next to us in the lot. See who you recognize (besides Ringo’s attorney).

Star gazing (or Starr gazing) in the crowd: I saw Ringo’s wife, Barbara Bach. She looked amazing. And Sally Kellerman. There may have been other celebrities but those were the ones I saw.

Unfortunately, the woman who sat in front of me almost ruined my evening. What a piece of work. She had to be in her late 50’s if she was a day. And yet she was stuffed into this tight tight skirt, bra harnessing silicone bazooms, a bare midriff exposing a gut that hung over her skirt, bleached blond hair, high heels – she must have thought she looked super hot. What she really looked like was a fullback in drag. I would have felt sorry for her if she wasn’t such a bitch with a capital C.

She stood the entire time. Even when everyone else in the Greek was seated. When I asked her to kindly sit down she snapped back at me, “This is a concert! You can’t tell someone to sit down in a concert!” Oh really? That’s concert etiquette? It’s okay to be rude and inconsiderate? Eventually the people behind me (and then behind them) started yelling at her to sit the fuck down. I guess they didn’t get the concert etiquette guidelines memo either.  Granny Bimbo then started yelling at all of them. Seriously, her ass alone blocked five people’s view. Happy to say she finally did sit down – during “Africa” when everyone else in the venue was standing up.

But all in all, a great night. And worth it just for historical purposes. Ringo is now 72. I saw Sinatra when he was in his early 70s at the Universal Amphitheater. He couldn’t hit half the notes and the toupee was obvious from outer space. But it was Sinatra. Ringo is a Beatle. You figure, “At his worst, how bad could he sing ‘Yellow Submarine’?” The fact that he sang it great, had energy to burn, played drums or sang for two hours, and assembled a knockout band – you’ve got to give him credit. 72 is the new 42… although someone needs to tell that woman that 59 is not the new 19.

And now for something completely different:

You know how much I love improv. Well, WENDY GOLDMAN and ROBIN SCHIFF, Groundlings alumni and accomplished writers in tv and film, are teaching a a weekend workshop, IMPROV FOR WRITING. August 10-12th. Location: Culver City, CA. Get back in touch with the playful part of your creativity. You don't need to know anything, prepare anything, or do anything other than show up and be open. No homework, either -- hey, it's summer. For details, contact: improvforwriting@gmail. com

My favorite Disneyland story

Here's another excerpt from my book, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s).   Check out my website.  It's loaded with photos and videos, and here's the best part -- If you want to buy the book, you can!   Seriously!  It's for sale!  


But for now it's 1964.  We take a family trip to the Magic Kingdom.  

My other grandmother, Nana Pearl, surprised me later that summer by saying, “Fuck!” You don’t expect to hear your dear sweet old world, refined grandmother scream, “FUCK!!!” And at Disneyland no less.

The family made a sojourn to the Magic Kingdom and took Nana Pearl with us. At the time she was probably in her mid-60s. No one knew the ages of their Jewish grandparents back then. They all came over from Europe or Russia and no one arrived with accurate documentation. If Cher had entered the country via Ellis Island she’d claim to be 36 today.

But Nana Pearl was a kick. Always full of life. Your basic strudel-baking furniture-cleaning grandmother but game for anything…except…

Thrill rides.

So at Disneyland she was not interested in any roller coasters. We found ourselves at the Matterhorn bobsleds and of course Corey and I wanted to go. My father suggested Nana Pearl join us. He told her it was just a nice lazy boat ride. Dad has a mischievous streak in him. Either that or he was getting back at her for grounding him one weekend in 1939. Anyway, Nana Pearl agrees to go.

I’m in the back of the bobsled and Nana Pearl is in my lap. The sled slowly ascends up the center of the mountain. About halfway up she figures it out. That is when, for the first time ever, my grandmother dropped the F-bomb.

The bobsled begins hurtling down the mountain and all the while she is yelling, “I’m going to KILL him! If I ever get off of this damn thing I’m going to fucking KILL Clifford!” I didn’t help matters by laughing hysterically.

I think she chased him through three Lands.

My favorite Disneyland ride at the time wasn’t a ride at all. It was the Monsanto House of the Future. You just walked through this ultra modern house made entirely of plastic. A plastic house might sound ridiculous but when they finally closed the exhibit in 1967 and tried to demolish it, the wrecking ball just bounced right off of it. The one day demolition took two weeks.

Among the House of the Future’s visionary features – an oven that cooked food within seconds not hours, a TV that hung like a framed picture on the wall, telephones that allowed you to see the other party, and the most unbelievable wonder of all – a toothbrush that was electric! You would just push a button and the bristles rotated all by themselves! I’m sorry, this was beyond science fiction.

Like all kids, and probably adults too in 1964, we thought that by the year 2000 we’d all be living like the Jetsons. We’d all be flying around in space ships that folded into briefcases and even brushing our teeth without having to move our hands up and down.

My thoughts on yesterday

It’s obviously impossible to write anything humorous today in the wake of the Aurora, Colorado shootings yesterday. My heart goes out to all the friends and families of the victims. When I was in Denver earlier this year I met a young man who was a student of Columbine and there that fateful day. He recounted the whole ghastly tale. It’s one thing to watch the news coverage and its snippets of people who were on the scene, and it’s another to hear a first-person detailed account of just what it was like to actually be in that massacre.

We talked about the aftermath. He lost several close friends. It’s taken him years to move on. Not that he still isn't haunted by the tragedy, but he’s able to channel his energies and cope. Many of his friends were not so lucky. You just hear about the number of dead or wounded. But the collateral damage to those also present is enormous and permanent.

For the rest of us, now comes the period of grief and trying to make sense of it. The theories will be voiced. Violence of the movies will be blamed. The easy accessibility of firearms (a gun store is even one of the radio sponsors of the Colorado Rockies). Video games will be accused. I’m sure Rush Limbaugh will pin this on Obama. But the truth of course is that there is no way to make sense of it. There never is.

But then there’s this.

On Friday morning, even after the shooting, Warner Brothers was pairing THE DARK KNIGHT RISES with a trailer for a movie called GANGSTER SQUAD. In the trailer there’s a scene of someone in a movie theater shooting people with a machine gun. What the fuck? Why wasn’t that pulled IMMEDIATELY? Deadline Hollywood’s Nikki Finke called Warner Brothers to complain; was told “there would be a meeting about it”, and only then was it pulled. A meeting?  They needed a meeting?  They needed a consensus?   If Ms. Finke didn’t call would that trailer have been shown all day? Did Warner Brothers NEED to be called out before yanking this trailer? I’m just mystified.

Then you go to the CNN website and as part of their coverage they present a timeline for the worst U.S. mass shootings.   Are we comparing them now?   Meanwhile, on GOOD MORNING AMERICA yesterday the shooter was erroneously linked to the Tea Party.  Again, what the fuck?!

At a certain point I stopped watching the coverage.  There may be new details that I'm not aware of at this moment.  But I don't care.  Because it seems the more I learn the angrier I get.  So I'll just process it myself this weekend.  And send out prayers and my best wishes to all concerned... which means all of us.

One of my proudest achievements on CHEERS

It’s Friday Question Day (a feature you guys still seem to like).  I'll try to sneak in a few extra question days in the next few weeks. 

Mike asks:

Has a crew member ever suggesting a plot is horrible?

No, but they never had to. They had the actors for that.

We had a writers assistant who we dearly loved named Lana. The way David and I wrote was that we dictated the script to Lana. There were times we’d pitch something and she’d say, “No. Really.” Other times she’d respond to one of our hilarious jokes by saying, “Okay, now come up with something we can use.” She was always right, damn her!


Breadbaker wonders:

When you write a blog post, do you consider how many comments you might get on it? And have you ever been really surprised one way or the other?

Unless I specifically ask for comments (like I did Wednesday), I never handicap how many comments I may get. Some posts naturally invite a lot of participation while others don’t. More important is what the comments are. I’m lucky in that I receive a lot of really interesting, insightful, and funny observations from my readers. I’d rather get three of those than a hundred from idiots.

What surprises me sometimes though is that a thread will develop from an innocuous frothy little post that results in an angry political or theological argument. And then commenters will attack each other and it gets ugly. Guys, this is a humor blog!


GC from France has a first-year CHEERS question:

My favorite sitcom episode is "Diane's perfect date" written by the Maestro (David Lloyd), and you produced it. Is there something, anything, that you can share with us about writing this episode?

This was the first script I worked on with David Lloyd. The process was we’d bring the writer in and together (me, my partner David, and the Charles Brothers) would work out the story. Along the way we pitched lots of joke suggestions. The writer would furiously scribble down all the notes (pages and pages of them), go home, try to make sense of them all, and come back in a few days with a written outline.

David Lloyd never took notes. Not one.  He just sat back, relaxed, and participated in the spitballing.  As he left I thought, “We’ll be lucky to get back 15% of what was pitched.”

Three days later the outline arrived and unbelievably, it was all there. Every bit of it. How he retained hours of haphazard story and joke pitches is beyond me. And he did this every time.

Most of what you saw on the screen for that episode came straight from David’s draft. I did make one contribution though. Calling the murderer/date Andy Andy was my idea. Thank you. Thank you for the applause.


From jcs:

According to several articles I read Louis C.K. is getting paid very little for producing "Louie" on FX. In exchange he seems to enjoy a lot more creative control than other showrunners.

Do you think that we will see similar deals in the near future?

No. Networks like to be in charge. In special cases they will relinquish this control, but the results better be there – either in numbers or critical acclaim or both.

And finally, from ScottyB:

I cringe whenever childbirth comes up in a sitcom. (Woman screams incessantly, blames husband, begs for drugs too late, etc. etc.) It's been beaten to death a zillion times, yet, you'd figure *someone* in all these years would have a different take on it. SO -- if you were a screenwriter right now or a script consultant, how would you tackle this one?

I did tackle that exact problem along with my partner, David Isaacs. And I think we came up with a novel take. This was from an episode of our 1993 series BIG WAVE DAVE’S. You can check it out here. 

What's your question? 

My reaction to todays Emmy nominations

The 2012 Emmy nominations are out! Here are the Best Comedy nominees:

MODERN FAMILY, 30 ROCK, BIG BANG THEORY, GIRLS, VEEP, CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM.

Notably absent: COMMUNITY, LOUIE, THE OFFICE, PARKS AND RECREATION.

Thoughts: When the Academy isn’t crazy about a show that gets a lot of buzz they toss it a bone or two (acting noms, writing noms, best lighting noms). Such is the case with LOUIE. Louis C.K. got an acting and directing nomination and his stand-up show got recognized but no big prize. Personally, I thought his screener DVD hurt him. There were better, funnier episodes he could have submitted. The first one he offered opens with him waiting at a subway platform. There’s a violinist playing furiously for five minutes and a homeless guy showering by pouring bottled water on himself. This goes on endlessly. Then the subway arrives. We see the refuge of New York City. On a seat there is some disgusting sludge. People stare at it. Louie finally gets us, takes off his jacket, and mopes up the disgusting mess. If you’re a LOUIE fan, I’m fan this was all rollicking. But if you’re not, or you’ve heard good things but were sampling the show for the first time, I think by the seven-minute mark you were done.

The Academy doesn’t like COMMUNITY.  It just doesn’t. Don’t yell at me, COMMUNITY fans. I’m only the messenger. It got one token writing nomination.

I’m not a fan of VEEP but at least it aggressively tries to make you laugh. GIRLS is a drama to me – very well-done and at times engrossing and even provocative but essentially a drama. Still, it’s clear, Lena is this year’s Emmy darling.

THE OFFICE is now Willie Mays playing for the Mets.

PARKS AND REC deserved a nomination.  And they had a particularly good season this year. 

My guess is MODERN FAMILY will win again.

On the Best Drama side you have: MAD MEN (duh), HOMELAND, BREAKING BAD, BOARDWALK EMPIRE, DOWNTON ABBEY, and GAME OF THRONES.

This is really the battle of the Titans. There are so many good dramas out there that THE GOOD WIFE, JUSTIFIED, WALKING DEAD, THE KILLING, SONS OF ANARCHY, and DEXTER didn’t even make the first cut. There should be a category for “Best Drama Other Than the Best Drama.”

(Note to procedurals like CSI: NEW YORK – don’t even bother sending screeners. With this field, who are you kidding?)

I’m disappointed but not surprised that SONS OF ANARCHY got shut out. For whatever reason the Academy just dismisses this show. On the other hand, creator-Kurt Sutter’s rants are always highly entertaining.

Too many voters hated the season ending of THE KILLING. THE GOOD WIFE’S move to Sunday night I think hurt its chances. Being in a bad time slot on a crowded night slowed its momentum. Fans of the show (like me) love it and will follow it anywhere (well, our DVR’s will), but it didn’t attract any new fans or positive buzz.

Ultimately, it'll be a two horse race between MAD MEN and HOMELAND with BREAKING BAD as the long shot. My pick: HOMELAND by a nose.

The big question in Drama this year is who will Jon Hamm lose to?

AMERICAN HORROR STORY got a whopping 17 nominations. I didn’t see that coming. Jimmy Kimmell was finally shown some Emmy love. Long overdue. THE VOICE squeezed out AMERICAN IDOL in the Reality Show category. IDOL is clearly on its last legs. Don’t be surprised if they ask me to be a judge.

Jeff Probst, who usually wins for Best Reality Show Host wasn’t even nominated. And poor Kyra Sedgwick. It’s her last year, she’s a previous winner and she didn’t get a nom. Hugh Laurie, always the bridesmaid, this year didn’t even get that. Here’s what will happen. He’ll do a guest spot on a show next year, be on camera for six minutes, and for that he’ll finally win an Emmy. John Slattery and Tim Olyphant were victims of the numbers game but both had Emmy-worthy years.

GLEE is over. Stick a pitch-fork in it.

But to me, the biggest shocker – not just this year but any year – is that HEMINGWAY AND GELLHORN got nominated for Best Miniseries or Movie. (See my review)  And it gets worse. Nicole Kidman received a Best Actress nod. HEMINGWAY AND GELLHORN was the Worst Miniseries or Movie since BRITNEY AND KEVIN (CHAOTIC). No wait, HEMINGWAY was worse. I’m not just shaking my head. I’m beginning to question the Laws of Gravity.

As always, I will be reviewing the Emmys and will probably have an Emmy post or two before then. Probably to bash HEMINGWAY again. Please let me wake up and discover this was just a dream. Congratulations to all the Emmy nominees.

While you’re here, check out the post scheduled for today. I slaved for 45 minutes on it.

Should Pole Dancing be an Olympic sport?

In anticipation of the Olympics (or perhaps upstaging them), this evening in London the two-night World Pole Sport Championships begins. Organizers and aficionados of this most impressive athletic skill are SERIOUSLY trying to get Pole Dancing included as an Olympic event.

And I say it’s about time! Whenever I’ve been in a strip club (dragged there by friends of course), I watch these young ladies flying around these poles and think: why isn’t this in my living room? Recently I watched some of AMERICA’S GOT TALENT (dragged there by friends of course) and they had a group of people who did light shows and a (what’s the correct term?) little person who could belt out big notes off key. This is talent?

Meanwhile, these girls, in relative obscurity out by the airport, twist themselves in unimaginable pretzel positions… while on a pole… without the benefit of any clothing. I’d like to see Mary Lou Retton do that (or at least a girl who looks like Mary Lou Retton).

And pole dancing is not an activity exclusive to the United States. No sir.  Writhing naked on a pole while “In Those Jeans, Pony” blares transcends all boundaries and cultures.

In order to qualify as an Olympic sport you must form an international organization (in this case: the International Pole Sports Federation) that holds world championships (hence tonight’s titanic struggle). Next you draft a petition, which is currently being circulated. I’m waiting until I get a free lap dance before I sign.

And another big hurdle has been cleared. Olympic athletes can now be professionals. I could see the Pole Dance competitors collecting the dollar bills thrown onto the stage and all being disqualified, but that is not the case any longer.

There are not many Olympic sports that housewives can enter. So that’s another plus.

And I should add that Pole Dancing is not just for women. There are a lot of Magic Mikes who are interested as well. And a studio called Little Spinners is actually offering classes for kids as young as three. I’m not making this us. (There’s no joke I could possibly come up with for this that I wouldn’t hate myself for.)

So should Pole Dancing be an Olympic sport? Hey they have one event currently in the Winter Olympics where you ski and shoot a rifle. And of course there’s Ping Pong (excuse me – Table Tennis). Why not shaking your moneymaker for your nation?

Good luck tonight to all the competitors. May you win the gold medal or at least get promoted to the night shift.

Thanks!!!

Thanks so much to everyone who answered yesterday's post.  If you haven't yet, please do.  When I started this blog I never dreamed I'd have readers from all over the world.  I figured my zip code and maybe one adjacent.   But I'm thrilled you're here and hope the level of content will keep you here.

Next up is actually meeting you all, and I'm working on that.   Thanks again.  And a special thanks to those who bought my book.  It really is my passion project so I greatly appreciate your support.

Ken

Who's out there???

I haven’t done this in close to a year. But today I want to hear from YOU. It’s nice for me to know who is out there and what you like or don’t like. So I’m asking you – especially you new readers and lurkers – if you wouldn’t mind going to the comments section, telling me where you’re from, how long you’ve been here, how you found it, and any thoughts on the content, yay or nay.

Which topics do you enjoy? Which turn you off? Based on your previous feedback I’ve made Friday Questions a regular feature, and you’ll notice I no longer bash George W. Bush.

In the past I’ve written about TV research. My problem is that networks use it as the gospel and make all key decisions on creative projects based solely on test results. You’d think after research said that THE PLAYBOY CLUB and HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN would both be embraced by viewers the networks would get the message (but that’s another story). Still, if you use research for input it can be a very useful tool. In this case, it’s my blog. I don’t have to gear my content based exclusively on research. So there will still be some baseball-related posts. But as a source of feedback it’s very helpful.

When I started this blog, almost seven years ago, I had no idea what to write. So I decided to try a lot of different things and see what stuck. What stuck was writing a lot of different things. Quite honestly, I’m amazed I haven’t run out of ideas (unless I have and just don't realize it). And there’s the fear that someday I will (if I haven't already).  Thank God  there’s always an Adam Corolla to pop up and say something stupid.

But I want to thank you for your readership. I’ve made a lot of great new friends and got a lot of shit off my chest as a result of this forum. For now I’ll continue to post something new every day and spare you banner ads. If you want to support this blog buy my book.

And keep coming back.  It's great to have you.  Okay, now it’s your turn.

"New Choice!"

There was another great exercise for comedy writers in Andy Goldberg’s improv class last Wednesday. This one was called “New Choice!” Two people would do a scene and periodically someone would say something and Andy would interrupt with “New Choice!” The performer then had to devise an alternate line. If Andy wasn’t satisfied he’d again bark “New Choice!” Sometimes it would take two or three lines before the scene was allowed to proceed.

Example:

Me and Fred are in a Costco.

Fred: What are you here to buy?
Me: Cheerios.
Andy: New choice!
Me: 300 rolls of toilet paper.
Andy: New choice!
Me: A case of Trojans and a dozen oysters.

Later in the scene:

Fred: I don’t have cash. Do you take American Express?
Andy: New choice!
Fred: Do you take the Diner’s Club card?
Andy: New choice!
Fred: Do you take second-party Group-ons?

You get the idea.

Why is this such a good exercise?

When writing a script, it’s human nature to come up with a joke and want to just go with it. But more times than not you’re settling. You need to be tough on yourself. Write down the original joke for reference then say “New choice!” And don’t restrict yourself. You’re not limited to the number of choices. Come up with a crazy choice or two; let your imagination really run wild. Who knows? From time to time you might stumble onto something truly brilliant that you never would have thought of otherwise. But the point is, get in the habit of looking for alternatives.

Now that may sound obvious, but just wait. It’ll be the end of the day, you’re tired, or you’re behind schedule and all of a sudden you’re rationalizing that “Cheerios” is the best, funniest reason why anyone would ever shop at Costco.

Improv class in general is a great training ground for young comedy writers. It teaches you spontaneity.

New choice!

It teaches you character development.

New choice!

It forces you to challenge yourself.

New choice!

It’s a helluva lotta fun!

Review: To Rome With Love

How many movies does a writer/director have to make before he no longer has to follow any rules of logic or good storytelling? How many movies until he’s allowed to just recycle elements from his other movies and no one cares? Whatever that number is Woody Allen obviously has passed it. And that’s fine, for what it is. But not fine when he’s still considered a genius and if he should through sheer volume turn out something even halfway decent he’s showed with award nominations.

Which brings me to FROM ROME WITH LOVE. I’ve lost track. I think it’s Allen’s 284th film.

First the good news: It’s amusing in spots. It looks pretty. Penelope Cruz’s dress. Judy Davis. Alec Baldwin. Woody Allen is in it but doesn’t play Allison Pill’s love interest.

Now for the bad news: It’s a slapdash series of vignettes. Most are one-joke premises that get replayed over and over. The payoffs all fizzle. And several are confusing.

At this point I should say SPOILER ALERT. But truthfully, what follows is a SPOILER HELPFUL BRIEFING. This may save you some time trying to figure out things when no attempt has been made to explain them.

These vignettes all seemingly start at the same time. But some unfold over the course of one day and others stretch over a week and I guess months. Yet Woody keeps cutting back and forth between them.  Huh? There’s no continuity whatsoever. But that’s only a problem if you’re a filmmaker that cares whether your audience is tracking your story. I guess after you’ve made 43 movies you no longer have to concern yourself with that.

Alec Baldwin essentially has the role Bogart had in PLAY IT AGAIN SAM. I think once you’ve made 26 movies you are allowed to rehash old ideas instead of trying to conceive new ones. In the same way that the ghost of Bogart advised Woody Allen, Alec advises Jesse Eisenberg (who, by the way, plays the same smug character in every movie). Except Alec’s not always a ghost. Sometimes he’s real. And sometimes only Jesse can hear him while other times Ellen Page can hear him as well.  Huh?  Don’t bother trying to figure that out. After 37 movies the filmmaker doesn’t have to establish and follow any rules.

Roberto Benigni plays an average schmoe who walks out of his house one morning and is mobbed by the paparazzi. He can’t understand why. Neither can the audience. You keep waiting for it to be explained. Is he being mistaken for someone else? Every time they cut to another scene of him being mobbed (and there are like seven or eight of them – all the exact same) you’re trying to decipher just why. Don’t bother. It seems that once you make 41 movies you no longer have to justify any behavior or explain anything to the audience.

People aren’t laughing because they’re confused. Not important.

At what point do Academy members and WGA members stop rewarding Woody Allen for sloppy filmmaking? How many movies until he reaches that number?

I’m sure Woody Allen is laughing at all the voters. He obviously knows better. He knows when he’s cutting corners.

So if I can’t wholeheartedly recommend this picture despite some good moments, it’s because I’m the one who’s supposed to be laughing at Woody Allen comedies, not him.

Check out my new website!

The website for my book, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME has been revised and really spiffed up!   There's now a sample chapter and a whole photo gallery with never-before-seen pictures of the era, lost drawings of mine, and other goodies.  You can enlarge 'em.  You can do a slide show.   There are even captions!  Also, some videos of the Sunset Strip riots and other '60s fun times.  Prepare to spend hours, or at least ten minutes immersed in my life.

My thanks to Great Big Radio Guy for putting it all together.

Come visit.  Here's where you go.   

Preview: Who's this person in the middle?  No it's not any of my former girlfriends... although, good guess.  The photo gallery explains.

Writing problem: what to do if you get stuck

This happens often as you write your script or novel. You come to a point where you think you’ve written yourself into a corner. A plot point requires something and you just can’t get there. Wait a minute, he can’t swim to safety; he’s in a wheelchair. Exactly how is she going to get to the Pope to sell him Girl Scout cookies?

This is one of the benefits of a being in a partnership – sometimes he can solve it.

But when working alone, here are four handy tips:

First, don’t be afraid to go back. Yes, you spent an hour on the last page and there’s a great joke about renal failure but if it drops you off at a dead end replace it with something that works. Once you have it you’ll probably be able to make up for lost time and more.

So now that you’ve freed yourself, let your mind wander. Come at the problem from different angles. What if he doesn’t get drunk? What if she gets drunk instead? What if he kills the cable repairman tomorrow and not today (right away that makes more sense because the cable repairman is always a day late)? Way too often we get stuck thinking there’s only one way to solve a problem. There’s not. On LOST once there was some crisis and the solution was to “move the island”. Now that’s not the first thing you normally think of. Look for other options. They’re out there.

Second, go past it if you can. If it’s a joke you just can’t find, stick a pin in it and move on. Do the heavy lifting first and then come. It’s a lot easier to tackle the problem when you know it’s the final thing you need to do. But I say “if you can” because if the issue is a major plot point or character definition it’s usually better to solve it now. You don’t want to have to go back and rewrite six pages before the problem and then sixty pages after the problem once you’ve solved it. Or that could just be me. However, long speeches, specific jokes, finding the perfect paragraph to describe a setting – save that crap for later.

Third. Don’t panic. You’ll get it. It might not be in five minutes but you will. My partner and I always joke when we come to a bump that “that’s it. A thirty year career comes to end because we can’t figure how to get Daphne out of the room.” Yes, it’s frustrating but you’re a writer. You welcome pain.

And finally, just walk away. Take a break. Do anything else but write. For some this is hard. They don’t like to stop until they’ve finished a scene or a certain number of pages or ZACK & CODY comes on. But it’s okay to stop in the middle of a scene, the middle of a speech, the middle of a word. Clear your head. Go for a walk. Go see a movie. Go to bed. Let your subconscious mull over the dilemma. It will, trust me. Many times I’ll go to sleep with a pad and pen by my bed. In the morning the solution is somehow there. I also do a lot of problem solving in the shower. It’s hard to read back later because the pad is wet, but letting your mind drift while you’re in a relaxed state often unlocks the lock.

Let me show you an example. I don’t really know how to end this post. So for now I’m ju

"Life Without Dick" and other LIFETIME movies

I found a website that lists all of the movies shown on LIFETIME. I imagine most of these are Movies of the Week made specifically for LIFETIME. You’ll notice several recurring themes. These are actual titles; I’m not making any of them up. I gotta watch LIFETIME MORE.

Life Without Dick

A Woman Hunted

Bastard Out of Carolina

Co-ed Call Girl

Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

Dead at 17

Death of a Cheerleader (which just might be the remake of Dead at 17)

Honeymoon With Mom

Human Trafficking

I Do (but I Don’t)

I Me Wed

I’m With Lucy

Little Girls in Pretty Boxes

Miracle on the 17th Green

My Stepson, My Lover

Nora Roberts Old

Robin Cook’s Terminal

Secret Lives of Second Wives

Single White Female 2: The Psycho (as opposed to the well adjusted girl in Single White Female 1)

The Trophy Wife’s Secret

To Be Fat Like Me

Too Young to Be a Dad

7 Things to Do Before 30

Ambulance Girl (this might be a superhero movie, not sure)

Confessions of a Go-Go Girl

Hostile Makeover

Jack & Jill vs. The World

Love ‘Em, Love “Em Not Weekend

Mafia Doctor

Mom, Dad, and Her

More Sex & the Single Mom

Mother, May I Sleep With Danger

Our Son, the Matchmaker

Sex & Mrs. X

The Hunt for the Unicorn Killer

The Wives he Forgot

Things You Can Tell Just by Looking at Her

What if God Were the Sun?

Why I Wore Lipstick to my Mastechtomy

Standing up to the star

Egads! It’s Friday the 13th. But answering a question of yours is considered good luck, so here are a few.

John starts with a question that harkens back to a previous post about how actors should give writers notes.

Any corresponding anecdotes about actors/actresses who protested loudly/petulantly about a scene, didn't get their way and then had to watch the 'horrible' scene score a bull's eye with the audience?

Well, I have a variation of that. This was back in the late ‘70s on THE TONY RANDALL SHOW. There was one scene that Tony hated. It was between him and luscious young guest star Annette O’Toole (pictured: above). He tanked it in rehearsal. We all went back to the room and didn’t know how to change it. It should've worked. So we left it in. Next day, same thing. He buried the scene in rehearsal. One of the showrunners, Tom Patchett took him aside – and I’ve never seen this before or since – he told Tony they weren’t going to change the scene. Tom said it even worked when the casting director was reading the scene during auditions. Tom reiterated that the staff really believes in the scene and knows that if Tony wanted to commit he could hit it out of the park. But if he wanted to keep playing it the way he had been he could just die with it in front of the audience. Tony’s choice.

Tom then walked away. I was in awe. What cajones!

Tony did commit to the scene, it went through the roof, and afterwards Tony came up to us and said Annette O’Toole was really sensational and we should bring her back.

All these years later I still tip my cap to Tom Patchett. Wow.


Matt asks:

Some actors have some experience writing or at least writing jokes, such as Ray Romano as a stand up comic. Are you more likely to take notes from somebody with this experience?

I have one simple rule: the best idea wins. Whether it’s from Ray Romano or the craft-services guy.

In the case of Ray, he was very involved in the creative process, even coming back to the room during rewrites. And I must say, having sat in on a few of them myself, he never played the “star” card. He was just one of the writers around the table. And yes, most of his suggestions were excellent ones.

Tim Simmons queries:

I love the deleted scenes from the office on their website. They are usually real quick jokes. Do writers add short, non-story related jokes to pad (or if running long delete) to fit time?

Sometimes. In the first year of CHEERS David and I wrote a bar run about what was the smartest barnyard animal? I think that was the bit. We wrote quite a few. Anyway, it was filmed, but then the show ran long so it was cut. A few weeks we put it back in another episode. Same thing. The actors rehearsed it, memorized it, performed it on camera and it wound up on the cutting room floor.

This went on about four times until the bit finally aired. By that fourth time the actors understandably were ready to storm the writers room.

Now you may ask, if you filmed it once, why not just use that? Because the wardrobe and background wouldn’t match. If this were MASH we would have been able to do that.

And finally, from DwWashburn:

In the pre VCR/DVR days of television it was not uncommon for a semi recurring character to be played by more than one actor. For example, Rob Petrie's father was played by at least two actors. Nowadays it seems like if a character is going to reappear, even if just for one or two episodes a season, the production company retains the same actor.

My question is does the actor (or their agent) call up the program and say "I'm available from insert first day to insert last day and then the writers get to work on a script featuring the semi-regular?

Or is a script written first, and then an effort made to find the actor and check his schedule?

Usually the producers will call the actor’s agent and check on availability first. If the actor’s free they’ll write the script, or they’ll adjust their schedule to accommodate the actor.

But not always. Remember the Bar Wars episodes of CHEERS? We used Joe Polis (pictured: left), but then he wasn’t available when we wanted to bring him back so they re-cast the part with Robert Desiderio. Over the next few Bar Wars episodes they kind of traded off depending on who was free. Too bad Annette O’Toole wasn’t available.

What's your question?  Leave it in the comments section and stay away from black cats.    Thanks. 

Radio Daze

Here’s another tale from my colorful yet brief radio career. There may be a book in these stories (assuming I sell more of my current one. Why haven’t you ordered yours yet? Do I have to become Dr. Gene Scott and just stare at you people for an hour?)

Anyway...

Among the many things missing in radio today are pranks. Back when there were live local broadcasters and actual competition between stations (one company didn’t own them all), a by-product was one-ups-manship. I was involved in one stunt during my first job.

I was a sports intern at KMPC in Los Angeles. They were the big full-service station in town. Their disc jockeys were national celebrities like Gary Owens, Wink Martindale, and Jim Lange. They carried the Rams, Angels, and UCLA Bruins. And they had helicopters and mobile units. I think their local news department was larger than CNN’s is now.  The studios were essentially in the White House.

It was the summer of 1970. I worked Monday through Friday from 6 AM – 3 PM. (Yes, the hours were long but they were paying me minimum wage.) I wrote sports reports, made coffee, and emptied ashtrays.

Meanwhile, their competitor was KGIL in the San Fernando Valley. Their signal was nothing compared to KMPC’s. If they had a helicopter it was made by Hasbro. Their "skywatch" was probably a guy on a mountain top with binoculars.  But their morning man was brilliant. Sweet Dick Whittington was (and is) one of the funniest, most inventive radio personalities I have ever heard. I was a huge fan. We had met on a couple of occasions. Okay, so that’s the backstory.

Sweet Dick

I’m at my desk. It’s about 7:45 in the morning and my phone rings. It’s some goofball who says he’s the singing newsman from some station in Denver and wonders if there are any openings at KMPC. I tell him I didn’t think so. He asks if he could audition for me. This sounds strange to me but I say okay. Who doesn't like to be serenaded about a bus plunge?  He begins singing some news story. I figure it out. It’s Whittington using a phony voice. I assume he's on the air live. I let him finish, tell him he’s great. Then I say, “Y’know, I’m frustrated that I’m not on the air. I have a pretty good singing voice. Could I audition for you?” He’s a little thrown but says okay. I then sing the KMPC jingle. There’s a pause and he says, “You’re a rotten kid!” and hangs up.

I was right.  This bit went out on the air live, my singing KMPC’s jingle included.

So I go the rest of the morning feeling pretty good about myself. Word gets around the station and a few salesmen and other employees stop in the newsroom to congratulate me.

At around noon, Stan Spero, the General Manager comes in. He asks if I was the one who pulled that stunt on KGIL? Yes, I say proudly. He tells me there’s someone who wants to speak to me. Now Stan Warwick, the General Manager of KGIL enters the room. What the fuck is he doing there? Warwick is clearly pissed. He begins grilling me. “Did I think it was funny to embarrass his station?” “Is this how I conduct myself as a professional?” Needless to say, I’m sweating buckets. I look to my GM for support. He’s just glaring at me. Fun is fun but apparently I had crossed a line.

Just at the point I was ready to hang myself with a teletype ribbon they both break up laughing. I had been punked. Orchestrated of course, by Dick Whittington. The two general managers were friends and had planned on getting together for lunch that day anyway. Both appreciated a good radio prank and appreciated even more getting back at the prankster.

Dick Whittington is one of my favorite people in the world. But I hope he’s sleeping with one eye open. Because it’s my turn.

Everything you ever needed to know about comedy

Dan O'Shannon is one of the executive producers of MODERN FAMILY.  He was a showrunner of FRASIER and an executive producer of CHEERS.  The man knows funny.  Recently he wrote a terrific book called WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?  A COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE TO THE COMEDIC EVENT.   Somehow he managed to explain comedy, which to me is harder than trying to describe the color red over the radio.   As insane as it is to plug someone else's book when I'm still shamelessly hawking mine (available here -- go buy it), I really recommend Dan's book (which you can order here).  Recently, I had the chance to talk to him about it. 

What possessed you to write this book?

Like many who actually create comedy, I occasionally see books and articles that academics write about humor. And like many who create it, I find most of it tone deaf. It's like reading about bicycle riding from someone who's never been on a bike. One day I asked myself how I would define and analyze comedy, if I was so smart?

It seems like such an enormous undertaking. Explaining the world might've been easier. How did you go about organizing this bad boy?

A lot of people start right in analyzing joke structures. I chose to analyze the comedic event, which includes the study of context, as well as structure, content, and transmission. And I relentlessly asked myself questions: What changes in social context or delivery might enhance or inhibit the laugh? How does being part of an audience make you laugh differently than when you're alone? How does being in the presence of the source of the comedy enhance or inhibit response? How can a joke be funnier through repetition and then stop being funny and then start being funny? Why do things cease to be funny? Four years of stand-up followed by twenty-seven years in sitcoms provided me with thousands and thousands of hours of experimentation.

Has writing this book affected the way you now write comedy? Are you consciously analyzing every joke you write?

I never analyze while I'm writing. It's like I use a different part of my brain or something. But seem to record the process mentally, because I can go back and trace my steps.

Doesn't analyzing take the fun out of comedy?

I spent a solid eight years writing this book, exploring the dozens of variables that can come into play when we laugh at even the simplest things. In the end, I found myself in awe of comedy's flexibility and scope. I still enjoy it, but now I appreciate it more than I did. That's why I get annoyed when I see academes trying to nail it down to a simple "All comedy is X" statement.

Can this book teach you how to be funny?

I truly don't know. But I do claim that it will make the reader hear laughter -- even his own -- differently. You'll have a reasonable chance of understanding the probable variables that provoked the laughter.

How is this book valuable to young writers trying to break into sitcom writing?

If they buy it, I will be more likely to send their scripts to agents. I'm kidding. I guess the same could be asked of music theory. It can illuminate, but it can't turn someone who's got a tin ear into a singer. Also, I don't tend to position the book as a "how to". It's more like a "what I think happens."

There are times I'm in a movie theater and people are laughing and for the life of me I don't know why. You went on a search to discover why. I just think, "what am I doing in this business?" Were there some laughs that took you years to explain?

Since I was a boy, I was always trying to understand the laugh. One laugh took me years to figure out. When I was a teenager, I saw the MARY TYLER MOORE episode, "Lou Dates Mary", in which Lou and Mary go on an awkward date, culminating in an attempted kiss on her couch. The characters realize the folly of what they're doing and start laughing at how wrong it all is. The studio audience shrieks with laughter, but then there's kind of a sharp taper to the laugh. It seemed slightly unsatisfying.

I forgot about it until years later when I put a joke in a CHEERS for Norm. He starts to announce that he's going to get off his ass and get a job and tell his wife he loves her and stop drinking beer -- but he's kidding and can't say the whole thing without laughing. When we did it for the audience, I heard a familiar laugh: loud at first, sudden taper. And I looked at the studio audience and I had my answer to the Mary Tyler Moore laugh.

The answer is that in each case, the studio audience thinks they are witnessing a blooper. Actors often crack up when they make a mistake. So the audience laughs. But then, the scene keeps going. The audience realizes their mistake and has to jump back into the scene's reality. That's the taper. It's a mistake we would not make watching at home, because we are having a different experience. This is why we study the whole experience and not just the material.

How about the theories of comedy. Comedy is pain. Comedy is pain plus time. Comedy is frustration. Comedy is anything other than an Adam Sandler movie. Is there a theory?

There are several competing theories, like incongruity theory (which is different than incongruity resolution theory, which is a crock), aggression, relief, superiority, etc. Many of them are often championed as the essence comedy, as in "all comedy is superiority". My approach was to step back and create a model, one that would show how these ideas can come into play in any given comedic event. While there are several new theories throughout the book, I tend to think that what I'm really presenting overall is a more comprehensive and flexible model.

Thanks, Dan.  Once again, the book is WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?  You can get your copy here.  

Fun with flops

Readers have asked why I continue to bring up AfterMASH and my involvement in it? Well, number one – it was a legendary failure. In only a year we went from a 48 share to a 19. Had we stayed on the air longer we might’ve broken single digits. How many people can say they were part of history?  That PEOPLE magazine cover had to be from when we premiered.  And what says comedy more than an I.V. drip?

Number two – it keeps me humble. Everyone who has been in the business for any length of time has an AfterMASH or two (or six). Ever see 1941? Or LIFE WITH LUCY?

Number three is that a flop is good fodder for humor. The truth is I had a decent time on that show. Got to work and learn from the great Larry Gelbart. And the hours allowed me to be home every night to give my newborn son a bath. And the final product wasn’t end of the world bad, just global crisis bad.

But I’ll let you in on a little secret. I stole the bit.

Using a past flop as a running gag was not an original idea of mine. I lifted it from Jack Benny.

Who’s Jack Benny many of you are saying? He was a comedian who had his own radio and television show for four or five decades in the first part of the last century. In his day he was as well-known and popular as Robin Williams, David Letterman, and Louis CK put together.

Benny was the master of running gags. He was (or should I say his character was?) notoriously cheap. The famous line (written by Milt Josephsberg): Benny is held up at gunpoint. The robber says, “Your money or your life.” There’s a long long pause. The robber says, “Well?” and Benny says, “I’m thinking!”  His character supposedly drove an old beat up Maxwell car, kept his money in an underground vault guarded by alligators, and saw himself as a virtuoso violinist although he was terrible (again, in real life he was quite good).

He was once in a movie called THE HORN BLOWS AT MIDNIGHT. It did not do well at the boxoffice. And for years Benny or someone in his cast would bring up THE HORN BLOWS AT MIDNIGHT and what a flop it was. This always produced big laughs. To say I “stole” the bit is not completely accurate. I didn’t use any of the specific jokes, I just adopted the form.

But my point is this: I consider myself a student of comedy. Most, if not all of the comedy we see today is merely a variation on what has come before. The trick is to make yourself aware of it. Do your homework. How?

You want to be a stand-up comedian? Get albums or watch YouTube videos of Woody Allen, Bob Newhart, Shelley Berman, Danny Thomas, Richard Pryor, Redd Foxx, Elayne Boosler, and many more. Yes, there were funny people before Chris Rock.

Want to be a comic playwright? Read Neil Simon. Read Kaufman & Hart. Read Herb Gardner. Read Alan Ayckbourn. Read Paul Rudnick. Read Woody Allen. Read Hecht & MacArthur. Read Larry Gelbart. 

For comic timing in movies study the silents. Laurel & Hardy, Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd.

There are some dazzling comic screenplay writers from the distant past. Preston Sturgess, Billy Wilder & I.A.L. Diamond, Morrie Ryskind, and Joseph Mankiewicz to name but a few.  Judd Apatow did not invent comedy. 

You get the idea. These people have much to teach you. And as a bonus, they’ll also throw in a ton of belly laughs along the way.

Tomorrow I talk more about the study of comedy. Dan O’Shannon, one of the Executive Producers of MODERN FAMILY and formerly with CHEERS and FRASIER just wrote a book called WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT? It’s the most complete analysis of comedy ever written (certainly ever attempted). Tomorrow I’ll interview him.

There's no need to re-invent the wheel.  These conventions are out there and yours for the updating.  Go find them.   Or read about them.  See you tomorrow.

Handicapping the Best Comedy Emmy

I’ll be very curious to see what shows get nominated in the Best Comedy category for the Emmys. There seems to be two very distinct camps this year – the mainstream group and the off-beat contingent.

The mainstream group would select THE BIG BANG THEORY, 30 ROCK, PARKS & RECREATION, (I’d say TWO AND A HALF MEN but no one’s going to vote for that), THE OFFICE, MODERN FAMILY, and new challengers like THE MIDDLE, HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, RAISING HOPE, HOT IN CLEVELAND, and NEW GIRL. (Sorry 2 BROKE GIRLS, WHITNEY, ARE YOU THERE, CHELSEA?  If any "trash talking girl" new show sneaks in it will be THE B... IN APT 23)

Then there are the fans of the more adventurous sitcoms. LOUIE., GIRLS, WILFRED, VEEP, CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, NURSE JACKIE, IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA, and MAGIC CITY (that’s not a comedy? Really? Have you seen it?).

The problem with these shows is that you have people who passionately love them, others who actively hate them, and a large majority of voters who have never seen them. Remember, many older Academy members may not be employable but they’re not dead.

And then there’s COMMUNITY. Here’s a show with a loyal fan base, but a very small one. It’s a critics’ darling and a fanboy favorite. Added spice is that creator/showrunner Dan Harmon got Ann Curryed. So in the buzz department this show is in the stratosphere. But COMMUNITY also has its detractors. They point to its unevenness and the fact that it’s geared so exclusively to younger demographics that it’s almost like they don't want anyone over thirty watching it (and they're getting their wish).

On the other hand, there are a lot of younger Academy members. Might they just tip the scale? Very possible.  But my question is this: If you’re voting for COMMUNITY are you doing that because you think it’s the best comedy or because you want to make a statement? You want to stick it to NBC for firing Harmon? You want to prove that just the sheer muscle of an internet campaign can influence and maybe decide an Emmy?

Emmy wins have been used to save shows. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT had a longer life because it won the Best Comedy Emmy. At one time an Emmy win would translate into higher ratings. That was certainly the case with CHEERS. But not with ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. The people who didn’t respond to ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT could not be swayed by a gold statuette. So even if COMMUNITY should win, would that result in a big uptick in its numbers? I’m guessing not. I believe the Academy was somewhat embarrassed that ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT’S win had so little impact and they wouldn’t relish that scenario happening again. Would that influence voters? Would some think “why waste a vote on this?”

For the most part, members voting for shows like LOUIE and GIRLS are doing it to make a statement. Comedy doesn’t have to be familiar. It can be daring and take new forms. And that’s great. But I don’t see experimental sitcoms as a “cause.” To me the Emmys are not an occasion to storm the palace gates.

My only yardstick is what sitcoms were the FUNNIEST? At least to me. I voted for shows that make me laugh – regardless of network or coolness factor. Who did I vote for? I’ll let you know when the nominations came out just how in or out of sync I was with the Academy.

But however it shakes down, at least there’s some real suspense this year.

(Okay: Hint. I didn’t vote for WHITNEY or ROB!)

Ernest Borgnine 1917-2012

Wow. It’s been a bad week for sitcoms icons. First Andy Griffith, and now Ernest Borgnine has passed away at 95. He remained robust and sharp pretty much to the very end. A few years ago he was asked the secret of long life and he said he masturbated every day. That sure beats eating healthy and taking vitamins.

I met him just a few years ago. I was in Milwaukee covering the Dodgers and he was there to be the grand marshal of a local parade and to throw out the first pitch at a Brewers’ game. You hear people say, “I hope I have that much energy when I get to be his age.” I said, “I wish I had that much energy now.”

His career as a character actor spanned six decades. Baby boomers fondly remember him in McHALE’S NAVY. Coincidentally, I just watched an episode of that recently on Antenna TV. Talk about a different, more politically incorrect era – this was a sitcom set during World War II and his men were selling “Nip souvenirs.” Yikes. But he was always likeable and disarming. He had that big Cheshire Cat grin with the distinctive space between his two front teeth.

Some things you might not have known about Ernest Borgnine: He won an Oscar in 1955. He was nominated for an Emmy at 92. He was the voice of Mermaid Man in SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS. He served in the Navy for ten years and was awarded five distinguished service medals. And among his five wives was Ethel Merman, the bombastic Broadway belter. The marriage lasted a month.

He’s appeared in hundreds of movies, and he was great in all of them. THE WILD BUNCH, THE DIRTY DOZEN, ICE STATION ZEBRA are among my favorites along with his Oscar winning performance in MARTY.  

In an industry that’s so obsessed with matinee idol looks, it was always refreshing that someone like Ernest Borgnine – barrel-chested, unrefined, REAL would have such a successful career for over sixty years.  His credit always read Ernest Borgnine, but to anyone who knew him, he was just plain Ernie.  And that's fitting, for if there was ever an Ernie it was this down-to-earth lug with the great laugh. 

He’ll be missed – for his body of work and his spirit. And also I suppose, for his advice.