Thursday, July 19, 2012

Should Pole Dancing be an Olympic sport?

In anticipation of the Olympics (or perhaps upstaging them), this evening in London the two-night World Pole Sport Championships begins. Organizers and aficionados of this most impressive athletic skill are SERIOUSLY trying to get Pole Dancing included as an Olympic event.

And I say it’s about time! Whenever I’ve been in a strip club (dragged there by friends of course), I watch these young ladies flying around these poles and think: why isn’t this in my living room? Recently I watched some of AMERICA’S GOT TALENT (dragged there by friends of course) and they had a group of people who did light shows and a (what’s the correct term?) little person who could belt out big notes off key. This is talent?

Meanwhile, these girls, in relative obscurity out by the airport, twist themselves in unimaginable pretzel positions… while on a pole… without the benefit of any clothing. I’d like to see Mary Lou Retton do that (or at least a girl who looks like Mary Lou Retton).

And pole dancing is not an activity exclusive to the United States. No sir.  Writhing naked on a pole while “In Those Jeans, Pony” blares transcends all boundaries and cultures.

In order to qualify as an Olympic sport you must form an international organization (in this case: the International Pole Sports Federation) that holds world championships (hence tonight’s titanic struggle). Next you draft a petition, which is currently being circulated. I’m waiting until I get a free lap dance before I sign.

And another big hurdle has been cleared. Olympic athletes can now be professionals. I could see the Pole Dance competitors collecting the dollar bills thrown onto the stage and all being disqualified, but that is not the case any longer.

There are not many Olympic sports that housewives can enter. So that’s another plus.

And I should add that Pole Dancing is not just for women. There are a lot of Magic Mikes who are interested as well. And a studio called Little Spinners is actually offering classes for kids as young as three. I’m not making this us. (There’s no joke I could possibly come up with for this that I wouldn’t hate myself for.)

So should Pole Dancing be an Olympic sport? Hey they have one event currently in the Winter Olympics where you ski and shoot a rifle. And of course there’s Ping Pong (excuse me – Table Tennis). Why not shaking your moneymaker for your nation?

Good luck tonight to all the competitors. May you win the gold medal or at least get promoted to the night shift.

16 comments:

Birdie said...

Emmy noms are out - please please tell us your thoughts!

Lots of surprises - like no Kelsey Grammer! And Blossom along with a sympathy dead person's vote for supporting actress. And LOTS of Downton Abbey love, wow!

me said...

"(There’s no joke I could possibly come up with for this that I wouldn’t hate myself for.)"

Gold (Funny comma True).

d

Johnny Walker said...

If this is an Olympic sport, I don't see why Pole Dancing, sorry, Vertical Gymnastics, shouldn't be.

kingvermin said...

The olympics got rid of baseball. And softball.

Will you ever write about your experiences at the strip club? As a reluctant patron, have you had any interesting conversations with the employees?

-paul

Mark Hilderbrand said...

Great idea for a sport! May I offer my services as one of the international judges? - and I promise not to score like the East Germans used to do! Regards from Berlin, Germany!

JT Anthony said...

Perhaps they could get creative and increase the chance of approval if they combined it with Pole Vaulting from track and field. Scores would be a combination of style points AND distance cleared. It would likely self-fund in one dollar increments at a time...

Paul B said...

Best Pole Dance/Gymnastics combo I ever saw was at a Canadian Strip Club (dragged there by friends) where a naked girl did a tumbling run the entire length of the runway, finishing in a handstand, facing the audience and grabbing the pole between her butt cheeks! Sweetest clang I ever heard. Guaranteed gold.

Brian Phillips said...

The late Linda Smith characterized Curling as "housework on ice".

If Synchronized Swimming can make it, anything is possible. When it was introduced I remember the commentators saying, "Remember, their feet cannot touch the bottom of the pool". Of course, replay has killed the whole sport.

HourOfLead said...

A few thoughts:

1. I would love to see Nike commercials for Olympic Pole Dancing. "Just Climb It"

2. Does cocaine usage violate anti-doping regulations? That'll pretty much rule out any stripper in Las Vegas and Miami.

3. Would people with prosthetics be allowed to compete? Because if so, I'm totally watching. A one legged woman on a pole is much more impressive than anything Usain Bolt has done.

4. During international competition, what national currency would be used acceptable to put in ladies' g-strings? The US dollar is perfect, but the sterling pound presents issues.

5. Is it possible that Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me" will replace the traditional Olympic music score?

John Pearley Huffman said...

I guess Nike can make clear plastic, seven-inch high heeled sandals. Just do the swoosh in rhinestones.

Do the entrants in the Olympic pole dancing competition get extra points if they wear a surplus of body glitter and smell like vanilla body oil?

Is hair spray a banned substance?

Are breast implants considered a performance enhancing drug?

RCP said...

One assumes that most of the male judges will be doing their own versions of "pole dancing."

Rich D said...

Well, if you're not going to tell us when they're televised...gatyst

Sebastian Peitsch said...

I don't see your point, Ken.

Just make those 13 year old children wear different leotards at the gymnastics.

Or no, wait. Keep that child pr0n the way it is now. Never change a good formula.

*yuck*

YEKIMI said...

Last Pole dancing I saw was Lech Walesa doing a jig!

GMJ said...

Olympic pole dancers?

Would firefighters and
subway commuters be eligible?

Just a thought.

Becca said...

Pole dancing actually requires a LOT of upper-body strength as well as terrific balance and coordination. (Yes, I took a class. *blush*)

That said, the concept of Pole-Dancing for Toddlers or as an Olympic sport is asinine