Comedy 101: How we break a story

Yesterday I posted an episode of ALMOST PERFECT. As (hopefully) a fun experiment, I thought today I would break down the thought process that went into it. This might be helpful to young writers learning how to construct stories and for non-writers it might be fun or a giant snooze. I’ll try to be funnier tomorrow. This episode was written by me, my partner David Isaacs, and co-creator Robin Schiff. Stan Daniels did a terrific job directing it.

If you haven’t watched it yet, you can see it here.

The core of the series was the relationship between Kim (Nancy Travis) and Mike (Kevin Kilner). She had a high-powered job as head writer of a TV cop show. He was a DA. Watching Kim juggle her career and relationship was our money.

Perfect characters are no fun so we wanted to give Kim some flaws. She was good at her job but she was also a little narcissistic and bossy. So we wanted to do an episode where she went out of her way to do something for Mike and it was something very hard for her to do. We came up with cooking. She tries to make Mike’s favorite meal.

You might be thinking, gee that sounds like a simple story. You’re right. But that’s okay if it’s really about something. This wasn’t just watching Lucy fucking up a chicken, this was about an insecure person desperately trying to prove her worth in a relationship. And along the way there was fun to be had.

Two problems: One – we had to find a B story to involve the other characters since the cooking story was primarily just Mike & Kim at Kim’s house. And this all had to take place over one night. Ideally, we could use the B story to cover the passage of time while the chicken was cooking.

Earlier in the season our line producer Larina Adamson had uncovered some stock footage of a building blowing up. We could recreate the building, dress up a structure on the New York street and make it appear that we’re blowing it up. We thought that might serve us at some point and this was the point.

It’s always good to have conflict or rivalries between characters. One of the dynamics we set up between Kim and co-worker Gary (the brilliant Chip Zien) was that Gary resented Kim for getting the job he felt he deserved. To Gary, she got it because she’s a woman. He was the voice of anti-feminism, which was a nice balance to Kim’s pro-feminism stance.

Anyway, we thought what if Kim puts him in charge that night while she goes home and cooks? And on their cop show they have to blow up a building. He winds up supervising and accidentally gives the cue blowing up the building while the cameras are off. The actual brainchild for that story came from Mike Teverbaugh, who along with his wife Linda were INVALUABLE members of our staff. 

So we began plotting out the episode.

The objective of the first scene was to establish Mike’s appreciation of certain qualities Kim doesn’t possess. How about if they bump into an old flame? That would freak Kim out. But where do they meet? We decided it might be fun outside a movie theater. We establish that Kim loves gory horror movies and thinks romcoms are lame. Right away we see she’s not your usual moviegoer.

Mike’s old girlfriend passes by. We wished to avoid introductions, boring dialogue, etc. So we had Kim get a call while Mike was chatting with his old flame. This call achieved a second purpose. We set up there’s a big stunt to come and Kim is clearly in charge of all decisions.

Mike returns and Kim learns this girl had a high-powered job (like hers) but gave it up to raise her children. She’s very nurturing and a great cook – qualities that Kim lacks.

Scene two: That night. They’re in bed. Kim can’t sleep. Decides to cook his favorite meal. Ends the scene by saying, “Hunh, I must really like you.” For Kim making fried chicken is a big deal.

And this is important: your characters must really WANT something. The tougher the task and the more they want it, the better your story will be. Even if that desire is seemingly trivial.  For Kim this dinner isn’t just for pride. She believes in some warped sense her relationship depends on it.

Now we go to the office and set up for the audience what this stunt is and why it’s a big deal. Kim is dealing with the director and special effects guy. Again, she’s comfortably in charge. We also wanted the guys to razz Kim for trying to cook. This lets the audience know that this relatively simple task is Herculean for her.

Kim wouldn’t reveal her plans to them because she knows they would give her shit. That’s why Rob enters with the fax. At the end of the scene Kim puts Gary in charge for the night. He collapses on the ground. We wanted a funny reaction to her gesture. Gary mocks her, like she’s doing him such a favor when in fact he’s more qualified (in his mind) than she is.

Off to the kitchen. Kim struggling. But what attitude to take? Anxious and apprehensive seemed familiar. So went against that. Made her manic – masking her fears by getting a little silly. We also wanted to showcase Nancy’s comedic skills. Yeah, it’s a little slapstick but she’s very cute pulling this off. And we get a big joke when Mike enters and sees what she’s doing.

Back to the office. The director enters and says that due to impending rain they either have to do the stunt tonight or tomorrow as planned but hope for the best. Gary in charge now has a big decision. Tough decisions help drive stories. Gary opts to blow up the building that night.  His co-workers think he's making a big mistake.    Look, the audience KNOWS there's going to be some fuck up.  They just don't know what.  Hopefully you can exceed their expectations. 

We return to the kitchen. The chicken is done and looks great. They go to the dining room. This was fun for us because we had never used the dining room before. It gave the show a new look. Unfortunately, it was hard for the audience to see the dining room because it was way up in the set.  We had monitors but we knew we would not get the same response had the dining room been in full view.  Sometimes you have to make that choice -- studio audience or home audience?  We opted for the latter in this case.   Sometimes we forget that the show we're making is for the millions of viewers, not the two hundred people in the bleachers.

Back to the story:  The chicken is terrible and so are the mashed potatoes. More decisions: Does Kim give up or start again? Does Mike tell her to stop or let her go, knowing full well she can’t cook worth a shit? What these characters decide informs us of who they are. Kim will try again; Mike will support her.

Next up we go to the New York street. We have fun with Gary trying to be the big shot and the other two writers amused by it. Everyone in every scene has to have an attitude. Otherwise you’re just writing one-liners that feel very unreal and forced. I think we devised a pretty clever way for Gary to accidentally give the signal to blow up the building.  If a building exploding on a multi-camera sitcom isn't an act break, I don't know what is. 

Come back and see the rubble. Instead of making Gary suddenly panicky and fall apart we thought it would be more fun to see him trying to maintain control. Again, a character has to make a big choice. Meltdown or salvage the situation somehow? Sheer damage control mode seemed more ripe for comic possibilities.

Back to Kim’s house. We return to the kitchen.  Having had one scene in the dining room we didn't want to push our luck.  And when we get to the important stuff we want to do it within easy view of the audience.  Kim's next batch is black. We wanted to avoid seeing any more of her cooking. We've already been to that well. Kim calls Mike’s mother, which has to be a tough and humiliating call to make. Yet she does it because this means so much to her.  Plus it helps set up a future episode where Mikes' mom thinks Kim is a dingbat.

Back to the set to watch Gary’s solution. It sucks. Should he call Kim? He still resists and tries coming up with alternate solutions.

Back to the kitchen. Mike finally puts a stop to this. We have a nice scene where they really delve into their relationship and what the future might hold. Choice on our part: there are not a lot of jokes. The discussion feels real and relatable to a lot of people so we just let it play out naturally. Finally Gary calls.

Last scene – back to the set. Kim and Gary. We see that even in a crisis she’s cool and in control. She comes up with a solution on the spot, which is a talent every bit as remarkable as cooking fried chicken – and instead of taking Gary’s head off she comforts him. Would a man in that position be as compassionate? Gary is grateful and gains a little more respect for Kim.  

David, Robin, and I wrote this over a weekend after plotting it out with the staff for several days. The writing went quickly because we knew what each scene was about and why it was there. We had comic situations and attitudes already built in. I also had one of my wife’s cookbooks since none of us knew how to make fried chicken either. “Colonial pine stain” comes right from that recipe.

One final note: The power of suggestion – after writing the first few cooking scenes we broke for lunch and had to go to Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles for fried chicken.

And now that I write this, I’m getting in the car and heading right back to Roscoe’s.

Comedy 101 is back in session

Here's a fun weekend comedy lesson for aspiring writers.  Haven't done this in six years, but what the hell?  Today I'm going to show an episode of ALMOST PERFECT (the series I co-created with David Isaacs and Robin Schiff), and tomorrow I will break down the thought process that went into breaking the story.  You'll see behind the curtain.

As a refresher course for the two, maybe three people in the world who aren't familiar with ALMOST PERFECT --  It ran on CBS for two seasons (1995, 1996) and starred Nancy Travis, Kevin Kilner, Chip Zien, David Clennon, and Matthew Letscher.  Nancy plays Kim Cooper.  She's the showrunner of a gritty cop show.   She's also in the early stages of a relationship with Mike (Kevin Kilner).  The central theme of the series is juggling Kim's professional and personal relationships.  That's explored in this episode as she leaves Gary (Chip) in charge while she tries to impress her new boyfriend.

Watch the episode (today's homework) and come back tomorrow to see how and why we told the story just this way.

Friday Questions

Well, here we go. First FQ’s of 2016. I’m sure one of your resolutions this year was to ask a Friday Question. Go for it.

GS in SF kicks off 2016:

Last night Encore Black aired your episode of the Jeffersons, "Moving on Down."

My first question is do you get some sort of notice (perhaps via app or stork) that your show will be airing on a given channel and date? And if not, perhaps someone can create an app for the WGA or DGA? Or would that allow the talent to keep track of their royalties too closely?

Also, it was interesting to watch a Jeffersons episode from 1975. I started watching the Jeffersons but only toward the end of its run. The show you wrote was actually allowed to breathe, George was actually allowed to be mopey for more than 2 seconds. Was that always the case for the early years and only later did the show become a bit more about quick set ups and jokes every few seconds? "Moving on Down" seems like it could have been an episode of Frasier with just a few tweaks.

To answer the first part of your question: No, no one ever gives us a heads-up on when our shows are scheduled to air, never. Supposedly the Guilds have computer programs that scan TV listings and keep track of when shows broadcast, but I don’t trust them. Contractually, the companies that own the shows are supposed to declare this info, but who are we kidding? That's a joke.  I guarantee you every writer who is owed residuals has been cheated, probably for shocking amounts.

And don’t get me started on residuals from streaming services like NETFLIX. We went out on strike for months for a piece of the pie. How many times has a CHEERS or MASH or FRASIER or SIMPSONS of ours been streamed? And if I’ve seen any royalties at all, it’s been pennies.

In terms of that JEFFERSONS episode, it was made under an old WGA Agreement where residuals were only issued for the first ten airings. So I haven’t seen any pesos for that show in years.

Our episode came very early in the series’ run and had a different writing staff than its later years. During our tenure a lot of ALL IN THE FAMILY scribes were in charge. Don Nicholl, Bernie West, Mickey Ross, Gordon Mitchell and Lloyd Turner. You mentioned that our episode felt somewhat FRASIER-like as opposed to later years. Well, ironically, the show runners those later seasons were Peter Casey & David Lee who later co-created FRASIER.

Chris has a question after watching an episode of ALMOST PERFECT:

Kim Cooper (Nancy Travis) is watching Cheers when Mike Ryan calls her. In the Almost Perfect universe, the writer Ken Levine who works on Cheers and is probably credited as a producer on the screen is the same guy who's now running their lives?

That’s as meta as we got. We like doing (very) small inside jokes. Anytime in ALMOST PERFECT Kim was watching TV she was watching CHEERS. We did that probably six times through the course of the series.

In another of our shows, BIG WAVE DAVE’S, Adam Arkin’s character is on a plane reading my book, “It’s Gone!... No, Wait a Minute.”

On BECKER, we have the Linda character listening to B100 (a station I once worked for).

And on the SIMPSONS we peppered the “Dancin’ Homer” episode with people I knew from my minor league baseball days.

One of my favorite moments from BRIDGE OF SPIES (which I didn’t write) was that a Berlin movie house was showing ONE TWO THREE, the Billy Wilder movie set in Berlin.

These are just little rewards and homages for people who either know us or pay way too close attention.

Peter queries:

This one's a bit of a geeky question but I'd like to know where you stand on comedy movies being filmed in the 2.35:1 aspect ratio. I've noticed more and more comedies in that format. I've always associated 2.35:1 with epics and action adventures. The scope look just seems odd for a comedy but I recently saw Sisters, Love the Coopers, The Night Before and they were all in that aspect ratio. In the same way that comedies should never really be longer than 100 minutes (another unofficial rule that Sisters breaks, clocking in at 2hrs, which though a funny movie is way too long), I think comedies should generally be 1.85:1.

There’s a bit of a dichotomy here. In general comedy is intimate. You want the audience to focus on something specific. That’s harder to do where there is great scope.

On the other hand, you don’t want to get too close. Have you ever noticed on most sitcoms that close ups are somewhat loose? Tight close ups are jarring. It’s as if someone is invading your space.

But my final word is that if the 2.35:1 aspect ratio is becoming the standard then comedies should probably follow suit. I guess it depends on how you are watching. If you’re viewing a Tina Fey movie on an iPhone then why give up part of the screen?

As for the length, YES.  Most current comedies are way too long.  Another of the Judd Apatow legacies.  

And finally, from Steve:

If you could get one of the writing rooms you've worked on before together again to do a new show, which would it be? Not going back in time, but the same group of writers as they have matured and grown in the years since.

That’s an interesting question and a little tough to answer because some of the writers who were in these rooms who I would use are no longer with us. Give me Larry Gelbart and that’s all the staff I would need.

But if I had to assemble a room from among those still making the world laugh, I would take the CHEERS room. Starting with Glen & Les Charles and adding Earl Pomerantz, Peter Casey & David Lee, Heide Perlman, Bob Ellison, Bill & Cheri Steinkellner, and Phoef Sutton. That would be like reuniting the ’27 Yankees. And those were just the upper tier writers. The CHEERS staff writers down through the years were All-Stars in their own right.

Leave your FQ in the comments section. Thanks, and may I be the last to wish you a Happy New Year.

Congrats to Ken Griffey Jr.

I’m thrilled that Ken Griffey Jr. has been (almost unanimously) elected to join baseball’s Hall of Fame. It was my honor to call his exploits in the early ‘90s when he was really in his prime.

He was an exceptional ballplayer (duh!), had an infectious presence, was terrific with kids (he’s still friends with my son, Matt), and the only flaw I can think of is he was terrible at giving hot foots. Jesus, he set my shoe on fire.

As a practical joker he needed work. But otherwise, he was great fun to be around and easily the most electric ballplayer I ever covered. So many impossible catches and Ruthian line drive home runs that would still be airborne if it weren’t for the Kingdome roof. Thanks to Junior (we always called him “Junior”) I got my voice on ESPN every other night calling one of his highlights.

During my era broadcasting for the Seattle Mariners we had a warm relationship built on mutual respect and merciless teasing. On radio broadcasts I used to relieve Dave Niehaus and do the play-by-play for the third, sixth, and seventh innings. Early in my first season I noted that the Mariners never scored in the third. I began calling it the “Third inning of death” on the air. One day during batting practice Junior gave me shit about that. I said, “Then score some runs and I won’t say it.” He vowed they would score six runs in the third inning that night, but if they did, I had to shave my head. I of course agreed but got Ken to record on-air promos for it.

That night, wouldn’t you know, the M’s got the first two men on. Junior stuck his head out of the dugout, pointed to me, and mimed shaving someone’s head. The next batter struck out, followed by a guy hitting into a double-play. No runs. He ran out to his position shaking his fist at me. But with a huge smile on his face.  And it made for great radio for the listeners. 

He was always available for an interview if I needed him. He signed baseballs for every kid who asked. He made himself available to mentor young players. He would always pay for lunch if we went out. When my partner Dave Niehaus passed away five years ago, Junior flew across the country to attend his memorial service. More than just one of the greatest baseball players of any era, Ken Griffey Jr. is a total mensch. And like I said, I couldn’t be more delighted with his selection to the Hall of Fame. Just keep him away from matches.

Great cartoon in this week's New Yorker

"What about the writers?  Nobody ever blames the writers!"

From cartoonist David Sipress

TRUTH: the one movie CBS doesn't want you to see

I love movies where reporters uncover conspiracies and expose the evildoers to the world. ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN with Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman was maybe the best. And that’s what the movie TRUTH wants to be.

But here’s the thing:

The big cover-up they’re trying to uncover is kind of a yawn.

When they announced it to the world, most people just shrugged or were watching THAT ‘70s SHOW.

They got the story right. It was just the evidence that wasn’t completely accurate. 

SPOTLIGHT is a way better movie.  

And Robert Redford has gotten old.

60 MINUTES aired a story questioning President Bush’s military service record. In their haste to get it on the air CBS did not do as much due diligence as they usually diligently do. So the CBS producer and Dan Rather were crucified on technicalities. The film “suggests” that CBS’ parent conglomerate Viacom did not want to ruffle any Republican feathers and so ultimately everyone associated with this flawed report got handed their heads, including Rather. No spoiler alert needed – this too is true. Most people know that Dan Rather took himself off the Evening News shortly after this brouhaha.

But nobody died due to this report. No lives were ruined as a result of shoddy reporting. The course of history wasn’t changed. Elections weren’t skewed. Enron wasn't saved.  There were no presidential stains on dresses.  THAT ‘70s SHOW didn’t suffer a ratings loss. (And Topher Grace was one of the investigators.)

So why did we need over two hours to tell this story? Take a hint: 60 MINUTES. I kept thinking, at least if Aaron Sorkin had written it there would be some zip to the dialogue.  I would pay to see a fast-talking pithy Dan Rather. 

The only real fun of this movie was watching Cate Blanchett. She absolutely lights up the screen. Move over Meryl Streep. There’s a new sheriff in town and she’s Australian (although you’d never know it from her accent in this film). Redford played Dan Rather. He was willing to don the suspenders but not wear his hair short. There are some things more important than accuracy like Redford’s tousled locks.

SIDE NOTE: Blanchett’s next role will be as Lucille Ball. I hope they get Redford to play Desi. Just dye the hair.

CBS has refused to air ads for TRUTH. They don’t want to be embarrassed. And yet they air 2 BROKE GIRLS. They also replaced respected veteran journalist Dan Rather with Katie Couric. I'm just sayin'. 

Meanwhile, NBC News and ABC News have also made blunders – projected the wrong candidates winning, getting facts wrong, prematurely announcing someone's death, and then there’s Peter Pan's father, Brian Williams. CNN is no better and it wouldn’t surprise me if Fox News doesn’t even employ a fact-checker. For all these heads to roll over this story seems a better story than the one the movie told. And Cate Blanchett is such a versatile actress I bet she could play Julie Chen if needed.

Advice to the networks that they will never take

A recent article in ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY (yes, I read ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY, what of it?) by Lynette Rice claimed that the major networks are crying that they can’t get the best talent anymore. A-List writers, producers, directors, and actors would much prefer to take their projects to Netflix, Amazon, A&E, HBO – just about anybody other than CBS, ABC, NBC, and Fox.

Especially now that these other platforms and services pay what networks are offering, top talent, who once brought networks projects first, now bring them to networks last. And this couldn’t come at a worse time for networks since their ratings continue to hemorrhage. Now more than ever, they need HITS. Instead, they’re pitching ideas that were rejected by Nick at Nite and cable channels no one can get.

This goes along with yesterday’s post about how the networks once ruled the world. But as Bob Dylan said (back when Bob Denver's GILLIGAN’S ISLAND drew an audience of 30,000,000): “For the loser now will later to win.”  Providers on channel 458 now rule. 

Can networks do anything to reverse this insidious trend? Can they once again attract the best writers and producers? Absolutely. And they can do it overnight. And it won’t cost them an extra penny. It’s not like the answer is to outbid everybody. Nope. They can even save money.

Sounds awesome, doesn’t it? A way to reclaim dominance without increasing budgets. A total win/win, right?

Except for one thing: they won’t do it.

Here’s the solution in case they're interested in just hearing it: Stop interfering. Period. Simple. Stop being so ham-fisted. Stop requiring approval for every tiny step. Stop dictating casting. Stop noting writers to death.

Give creative people credit that they know what they’re doing. Take chances. Let them have some leeway. Let them hire their staffs. Build projects based on passion and vision and not research and fear.

Trust me, A-Listers will be back faster than you can say Brandon Tartikoff.

But like I said, it’s never going to happen. I'm spouting crazy talk. Spewing fairy tales.   Networks will not give up that control… even as their ratings continue to sink and their creative jewels are SUPERGIRL, WICKED CITY, and HAWAII 5-0.

And so when they cry in ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY it’s a little hard to have much sympathy for them. The young talented people the networks are hoping to find don’t get into the business aspiring to write for 2 BROKE GIRLS. They want to create things that are special, that they can be proud of, and YOU could be proud of. Instead, you’ll be cursing that they went to AMAZON instead.

Once upon a time...

...there were three major networks. CBS, NBC, and ABC. Each city had between three and seven TV channels. The three networks and, independents everywhere else.

All the big shows were on one of the three networks.

The independent channels had local newscasts with limited resources, old movies, syndicated series originally aired on the networks, maybe some local sports team coverage, and sporadic original programming, which usually meant kids shows and dance party shows.

For real news you went to the networks. They had the foreign bureaus, the footage, the anchors you revered and trusted. If a major news story broke they broke into normal programming. Yes, commercial revenue was lost, but these were the NETWORKS. Their chief responsibility was to inform the public – accurately and objectively.

For major sporting events you went to the networks. The World Series, All-Star Game, NFL games, major college bowls.  You knew where to turn.

The Fall TV season debut was a major event. You waited all summer, salivating over the promos for the new fare. Then there was the Mid-Season, right after the first of the year. You studied those promos to know exactly what time slots these new shows would occupy.

Families had actual allegiances to these networks. You were a “CBS family” or an “NBC family.” If you were a “CBS family” you watched the CBS Evening News, you checked the TV Guide to see what CBS had on that night before seeing what the competition offered. And if all things were equal you stuck with your network. Many nights you wouldn’t change the channel once.

There were some original syndicated series that the independent stations ran, but by and large, they were second-class fodder. There was a HUGE difference status-wise between network shows and indie shows.

There was also a difference in reception. The networks had the stations with the three strongest signals. They were always on the VHF dial (2-13). In some markets the independents were on the UHF dial so would appear on channel 34 or 61. Lots of people couldn’t access UHF signals very well. So the network picture was strong and clear, and the indies sometimes were snowy or had ghosts.

A new show on ABC, NBC, or ABC got your attention. You would be watching along with thirty million people. NBC even sent out collectible yearbooks heralding “NBC WEEK” (their Fall rollout week). I sent away for it every year. Me and millions of other nerds.

Compare that to today.

There is no difference in signal strength or content between channel 2 and channel 789. The three big networks have been reduced to just three channels. But for viewers who grew up with cable, it is a completely equal playing field. ABC, TBS, Spike, ION, TCM, AMC, CBS, FS1, NBC, MSNBC, CNBC – to Millennials it’s all the same. A show on A&E has the same stature as one on ABC. In fact, it’s almost a detriment to be on one of the networks. Yes, they still have more reach, but popular perception is that the more interesting, nuanced, and mature programming can be found on any channel beyond 13. The Emmys certainly bear that out.

Foreign language shows now beat NBC shows. Personally, I love the variety, but still… this is like watching Willie Mays at the end of his career, overweight, in a Mets uniform, dropping fly balls he used to put in his hip pocket.

“Where have you gone, NBC?”

“Say it ain’t so, ABC?”

“CBS, we hardly knew ya.” 

TOMORROW: ADVICE TO THE NETWORKS THAT THEY WON'T TAKE

And so ends another holiday season

Well, this is it. Everyone is coming back home. The holidays are over. So are the best two weeks of the year to be in Los Angeles.  It's been great. No traffic. You could get into restaurants. Asshole Porsches weren’t cutting you off. Parking spaces were available. Even on the street.  There were no lines at In n’ Out. And lines at Trader Joe’s were shorter.

As a kid, I always dreaded this day. It meant school tomorrow. No more vacation (even if “vacation” meant working twelve hours a day for the Christmas rush).

Once I became a writer it seemed like every year we had some script or pilot to write during the holiday break. Of course, some of those we volunteered for. We knew that every CHEERS or MASH or FRASIER we wrote would pay off in residuals for years to come. And don’t tell anybody, but the best part of those staff jobs was me and my partner getting together, turning off the phones, and writing drafts. In a way, it was a vacation.

On the other hand, I can imagine there are a lot of people who are thrilled that this day has come. They’re usually the ones who had to spend a week or so with “family.” I’m sorry, but you get any ten relatives in a house for four days and someone will be calling 911. Day one is always great. Day two is when the little annoyances you forgot about reemerge. Day three everyone is struggling to hold their tongues and be on their best behavior. But then Day four someone mentions the “family slight of 1973” and all hell breaks out. God, I’m getting nostalgic just thinking about it.

Traveling today is a bitch. Everyone just wants to get home FAST. But there are places like O’Hare Airport that consider it their holy mission to prevent anyone from getting anywhere on time. Try to take it all in stride. Remember, you’re racing back to return to work or school. And Donald Trump is running for President.

I hope you had a great holiday season -- got all the presents you asked Santa for, didn’t gain too much weight from the eggnog (although, Jesus… it’s eggnog. What do you expect?), are still on speaking terms with your cherished family, didn't break a leg skiing, posted every meal you had on Facebook, saw STAR WARS and SON OF SAUL, watched fifteen meaningless college bowl games, and have the strength to take down the tree and all the decorations.

Starting tomorrow 2016 begins in earnest. I bet NOW you could use a vacation.

First New Year's resolution: I'm done with trolls

I guess my blog is getting really popular.  I seemed to have attracted a fair number of trolls.  Lucky me.   My policy has always been to just delete them and move on.   It only takes a couple of clicks; I'm sure much less time than it takes the trolls to post them.   But it's a nuisance.   And I'm tired of it.

Usually they just write obscene or hateful things about me -- like my feelings are going to be hurt because of what some moron says.   Occasionally they go after you and I have every faith that you're smart enough not to take any of it personally.   It doesn't take a genius to realize these are sad pathetic souls. 

But when they start writing hateful stupid things about Wayne Rogers it's time to draw the line.  So for the present I am instituting a new comments policy.  I will be moderating all comments before publishing them.  I'm done with the trolls. 

I still want to strongly encourage everybody to comment.  I check the blog quite frequently throughout the day so there will be a very brief lag time between when you comment and when it appears.  This will also eliminate spam.

One of the joys of doing this blog is receiving your feedback.   Often the comments are better than the posts.   Just yesterday I laughed out loud at one.  By reader Michael commenting on Bob Eubanks & Stephanie Edwards retiring from hosting the Rose Parade.   Michael posted:

Ken's favorite Rose Parade commentators, Bob Eubanks and Stephanie Edwards, are retiring after this year, saying they want to concentrate on other things. And I'm thinking, you work one day a year!

I can't tell you guys how many times I've read one of your comments and thought, "Damn!  I wish I had written that!"  

So thank you and please keep the cyber cards & letters coming in.

This will mean a little extra work and monitoring for me and patience from you, but I think under the circumstances it's worth it.  I fully encourage free expression (even criticism and opposing views) but I don't want my readers to be subjected to disrespectful obscene content meant only to antagonize and annoy.   Who needs that shit?

So again, thanks for your understanding.  I hope to hear from you soon.  Unless you're an asshole.

R.I.P. Wayne Rogers

Sad to hear of the passing of Wayne Rogers – Trapper John from TV’s MASH. He was 82.

I really didn’t know Wayne very well. He left the series after the third season and I didn’t join until the fifth. But I saw him at a number of MASH events and retrospectives, and of course the producers and cast talked about him a lot. The sense I got from my limited contact and scuttlebutt was that he was a terrific guy.

Wayne was actually hired before Alan Alda. And he originally auditioned for the Hawkeye role but opted for Trapper because he felt the Hawkeye character was too cynical. As the series unfolded and Alan emerged as more of a fan favorite Wayne became frustrated. He eventually left after season three to pursue more starring roles. But he fulfilled his contract. And at no time did his dissatisfaction affect his work or behavior on the set. He was the consummate gentleman and professional. And like I said, he frequently participated in MASH tribute events. He remained forever part of the MASH family. Rogers once said if he had realized the show was going to run for eleven seasons he might have "kept my mouth shut and stayed put".

He and Alan remained close friends. This is what Alan tweeted this morning:

He was smart, funny, curious and dedicated. We made a pact to give MASH all we had and it bonded us. I loved Wayne. I'll miss him very much.

What many people don’t know about Wayne is that he was also a brilliant financial planner. He made a fortune in business investments for himself and others. There is life after acting.

I’m sorry I didn’t get to know him better. I’m sorry I didn’t get the chance to write for him. I’m sorry I didn’t get in on some of his real estate deals. But I always had a fondness for Wayne Rogers. How nice that through MASH, people will be appreciating him for decades to come.

Happy New Year!

May 2016 be for you what 2015 was for the Kansas City Royals, J.K. Simmons, BIRDMAN, Jennifer Lawrence, Adele, Aretha, Amy Schumer, VEEP, James Bond, Matt Harvey, Jeffrey Tambor, Sam Smith, the New England Patriots, Allison Janney, Dallas Keuchel, Chris Pratt, Taraji P. Henson, Steph Curry, Eddie Redmayne, LeBron, Aziz Ansari, Viola Davis, Joe Maddon, GAME OF THRONES, Nicki Minaj, Salvador Perez, NCIS-Wherever, Beck, the Golden State Warriors, Jon Stewart, Duke, Bindi Irwin, Megyn Kelly, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Frances McDormand, THE BIG BANG THEORY, Josh Donaldson, Shonda Rhimes, Aaron Rodgers, Taylor Swift, Hans Solo, Lester Holt, Kris Bryant, Nick Fradiani, STAR WARS, Apple Watch, Chicago Blackhawks, Julianne Moore, Jake Arrieta, Patricia Arquette, Peter Dinklage, Jill Soloway, Jon Hamm (finally), Julia Louis-Dreyfus (as always), Ohio State, James Burrows, Carey Price, Sawyer Fredericks, Willie Nelson, INSIDE OUT, Bryce Harper, Vin Diesel, naked tattooed girls stuffed in duffel bags, and me for having loyal readers like you.

Checking New Years Resolutions

We all make New Year’s Resolutions. But do we ever look back and see how many we kept? Here’s a look at mine from this January 1. How’d you do on yours?

Host movies on TCM – I did that in January.

Finally watch THE WIRE – No, but I did finally watch BREAKING BAD.

Get ALMOST PERFECT on Netflix or Hulu – No, and I tried. Tracked down the person who could make that happen and was told there’s no interest. The fight continues.

Go to the gym at least twice a week. (My gym is usually packed in January and by March it’s me and two other guys.) -- Did that and continue to.

Stay off the 405 freeway when it’s crowded (so only take it between 2-4 AM) – For the most part I did that. I’ll wave to you from Beverly Glen.

Visit my friend in Walla Walla – No, but he moved to Portland. So actually I have less of an excuse.

Get more productions of A OR B? -- Done. It’ll be produced at the Village Theatre in Hatboro, Penn the first three weekends in April.

Meet Claire Danes – Unfortunately, no. Of course I wasn’t in Berlin or Jordan or wherever the hell she was this year.

Learn to do an accent in my improv class -- Nyet.

Direct more episodes that my daughter and her partner write – Did that.

See a Broadway show I wish I had written – Yeah, I saw KING AND I.  I actually wish I wrote the music.

Go somewhere in the world I've never been – China, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Korea, Japan, and Pala, California.

Recover from the jet lag – I still need another month.

Watch and listen to as much Vin Scully as I possibly can – That I did and will do even more this year, savoring every precious moment.

Finish writing my new play – Did that. First reading next month.

Learn what half the features on my car are – Yes, but I still don’t know how to put it into reverse.

Not piss off the North Koreans – I stayed away from the DMZ during my visit so yes.

Continue to support the WGA’s Foundation – Yep.

Give DOWNTON ABBEY one final chance – Nope.

Champion strict gun control – Yes, not that it helped. The madness continues.

Get a humor piece in the NEW YORKER – Nope, but I didn’t submit anything.

Get a cartoon in the NEW YORKER – Nope, but I didn’t submit anything. Still I blame them.

Avoid the incredibly tasty fried chicken wings at the Hamburger Hamlet (now that it has reopened) – No, I fell off the wagon.

Keep Tetris playing down to three hours a day – It’s down to four so I’m making progress.

Answer more Friday Questions (which I'll be able to do if I keep the previous resolution) – I sprinkled in some extra days and will do more of that this year. So keep those FQ’s coming in.

Clean my desk (a perennial resolution but this year for sure!) – Sort of. I found a sandwich from 2006.

And finally, solve the Natalie Wood case – Not yet but RJ, I’m on to you.

Happy New Year's.  Drive safely tonight.

New York's latest outrageous rip off. For everyone who's ever been robbed in Times Square

No one takes advantage of people like New York. I was there one 4th of July and went into the city to see the fireworks show. I noticed that parking lots that normally charge $20 charged $100. That’s neighborly.

And this New Years Eve the money grubbers are at it again. Some of the crappy chain restaurants in Times Square are hiking up prices ridiculously to take advantage of the crowds. The Olive Garden – is there a more mediocre Italian restaurant than the fucking Olive Garden? – is charging $400 for dinner tomorrow night.  That's right.  And that doesn't include the Goddamn breadsticks. Yeah, the Olive Garden is “family” – the Corleone family.

Oh, and to see the ball drop from the Olive Garden, you get an obstructed view.  What do you want for only $400?

Meanwhile, the fine folks at Bubba Gump Shrimp (fine dining at amusement parks and boardwalk piers) wants $800 a person. This brings new meaning to the word chutzpah. Even Forrest Gump is not stupid enough to pay $800 for frozen shrimp drenched in ketchup.

Do you have a Ruby Tuesday’s in your town? They’re Applebee-wannabes. They’re where you go when Bennigan’s is shut down by health inspectors. I don’t think the phrase, “Hey, let’s go to Ruby Tuesday’s” has ever been uttered unless it follows, “Everything is closed, where do we go?” Ruby Tuesday’s in Times Square wants a paltry $350 tomorrow night. But wait. You’ll have to sit for this one. Ruby Tuesday’s, right? Wilted salad bars and fish sticks? You can reserve a spot at the “Couples’ VIP Table” for $1699. This is like the Menendez Brothers killing their parents and asking the court for leniency because they’re orphans.

Or…

You could go to the Counter for $450. But that doesn’t include hamburgers. The Counter IS a hamburger joint. The $450 entitles you to mini-burgers and fries. Jon Favreau is a part-owner I understand. If so, shame on you Jon.

The “Couples VIP” deal at Buca di Beppo (which is the Italian equivalent of the Hungry Heifer) wants $500 but does include all the Franco-American-quality pasta you can stand.

This is of course completely OUTRAGEOUS. The French Revolution was started for less. For those prices, Donald Trump should stop by every table and thank his supporters. I wonder how many of these customers will spend an extra $20,000 and buy the Brooklyn Bridge.

It’s as if Bernie Madoff recorded a cover of “New York State of Mind.”

I’m just glad Dick Clark doesn’t have to see this.

THE HATEFUL EIGHT: My review

This is sort of movie review week since so many people are seeing movies this week.   Today: THE HATEFUL EIGHT.  This will be the only review of a Quentin Tarantino film that ever begins with a Neil Simon reference.

After Simon’s first few plays all were smash hits he wrote THE STAR SPANGLED GIRL. It closed in eight months. Walter Kerr, the NY Times critic wrote this about the show: "Neil Simon, your friendly neighborhood gagman, hasn't had an idea for a play this season, but he's gone ahead and written one anyway."

That’s how I felt about THE HATEFUL EIGHT. And I’m a big fan of Quentin Tarantino (as a filmmaker, not a social commentator). His latest effort had all the signature Tarantino touches – the florid, sometimes hilarious dialogue, over-the-top violence, Samuel L. Jackson, beauty shots, gore, non-linear sequencing, his reliable psycho players, and tense moments, but in the end the story gun was filled with blanks.  It all amounts to a big nothing. 

And it takes almost three hours to tell this shaggy (mangy) dog story. Do directors ever cut anything anymore? This isn’t LAWRENCE OF ARABIA. This is eight galdarned polecats mind-fucking with each other in a claustrophobic Western. An hour-and-a-half would be plenty. This would be a much better movie if it were THE HATEFUL FIVE. We get it!

I kept thinking while watching – the screenplay of THIS leaking out to the world is what drove Tarantino to near madness? THIS was the masterpiece he threatened to abort? I just wish whoever got a hold of it had made some trims.

As always though, the cast was fun. Sam Jackson, wearing his DJANGO make up, delivers Quentin-speak to perfection. Jennifer Jason-Leigh is another one of those actors who can play anything. And Walton Goggins was Boyd Crowder again, so no complaints there. Tim Roth, Kurt Russell, Bruce Dern, Michael Masden – you know what you’re going to get with those sidewinders.

This was a much talkier movie than usual from Mr. T. To tell the truth, it might work better as a play if you could figure how to blow peoples’ heads off in a live theater.

If you’re a casual Tarantino fan this has NETFLIX written all over it. If you’re a major Tarantino fan or gonzo cinebuff I’m curious as to whether you felt he delivered the goods on this one.

For the next one, my recommendation: Concentrate more on making a good movie rather than a cool movie.

Neil Simon followed up THE STAR SPANGLED GIRL with PLAZA SUITE.

PROGRAMMING NOTE:  GREAT BIG RADIO is doing a week-long salute to the music and events of 1976.  Check 'em out here or on iTunes.  At 5:00 PST/8:00 EST I will be on with Howard Hoffman introducing an aircheck of me as Beaver Cleaver on B100 San Diego, recorded in 1976.   You'll see why I was always fired and am no longer in radio.  

STARS WARS -- my review

Okay, by now everyone who’s been dying to see the new STAR WARS has seen it (twice). No SPOILER ALERTS necessary. I won’t divulge any surprises. Hell, I’m still confused over several plot points – little things like “Where the hell are they now?” and “Who’s that person?”

But overall I really enjoyed the film. To me it felt more like a reboot. It’s the original STAR WARS but with way better dialogue and vastly improved special effects.  All that's missing is the bikini.

I must admit I’m not a STAR WARS freak. I did love the very first one, and saw it in preview so I had no expectations. I had no idea what I was about to see. And it really rocked my world. The next two were… good. And then either they all got worse or I just didn’t give a shit anymore. I recall seeing one later one in IMAX and being bored to death. I passed on the last two or four; I don’t know which. It was all just a blur of explosions, Natalie Portman, and Muppets.

So J.J. Abrams had a tough assignment. Could he satisfy the hardcore fans and re-energize an almost 40 year-franchise? The answer is a resounding YES. He did it by going back to what made those original films great. True, that often meant recreating scenes they’ve already done, but I think the audience was just relieved to see “Star Wars” again and not Jar Jar Binks.

They were also ecstatic to see the original cast. Abrams did this with his STAR TREK reboot as well. Bring in familiar Vulcans like Leonard Nimoy to help pass the torch. So too with STAR WARS. Loved seeing Harrison Ford and Chewbacca (who’s aged well, by the way). And Carrie Fisher (who’s been through more shit than Princess Leia.). Mark Hamill appears and gets second billing. (May the force of good representation be with you.)

But the real standouts were newcomers Daisy Ridley and the droid. These were breakout roles for both. I’m sure when Spielberg watched the film he said, “Damn, that droid would have been great in LINCOLN as Thaddeus Stevens.”

The other highlight was John Williams’ iconic score. And to Abrams credit, he was not afraid to lean heavily on it, reprising familiar riffs at key times. As opposed to Guy Ritchie who went out of his way to change and destroy THE MAN FROM UNCLE, Abrams embraced what was thrilling about the STAR WARS franchise. That stirring music blaring during an eye-popping galactic dogfight made the theater shake. Well done, sir.

From what I understand, STAR WARS fanatics are satisfied, which can be a taller order than saving the universe. And for us casual fans, it was a fun rollicking two-hour thrill ride. Is it the movie of the year? It had the largest opening in history and continues to set boxoffice records. More people will see it than all the other Best Picture nominees combined times ten.

So no.

One of my favorite INSANE TV opening title sequence

Believe it or not, this is from a drama show from the '50s.  Can you imagine doing something like this on HOMELAND? 

My "Sam Kinison" period

Here's another tale of my checkered radio career. Back in 1974 I was a screaming disc jockey (literally) at WDRQ, Detroit. My tenure was short-lived but memorable.

At the time I had been out of work as a disc jockey for about six months. No one wanted a high energy, “youthful”-voiced, wise-ass-bordering-on-insane platter spinner (or, to be more accurate – music cartridge inserter). The program director of KYNO in Fresno kept me dangling for months for an all-night gig and eventually gave it to someone else. Needless to say, I was depressed. I mean, when they don’t think you’re good enough to talk to empty fields at 3 AM you tend to believe you don’t have a rosy future in this profession.

I had even gotten a different job – working in the research department of NBC. But preparing test results for Bob Crane pilots didn’t seem like the best way to fill five or six decades either.

And then, out of the blue, I get a call from the new program director of WDRQ. How would I like to come to Detroit and do 6-10 in the evening? This was unbelievable. I wasn’t qualified for all-nights in market #110 but was good enough to do a primo slot in market #5 or 6? The money was probably less than I’d get in Fresno but that was besides the point. I was heading to a major market!

The program director picked me up at the airport and drove me right to the station. It was snowing. This was mid-April. He wanted me to do a break-in show in the middle of the night – get used to the equipment and format so when I premiered at 6 PM I knew what I was doing.

I said, “Fine” without stopping to think – when am I going to sleep? I didn’t want to be rude and say, “I really should check into a motel instead of drinking beer and smoking more joints with you” so I just sucked it up. And then at midnight he drove me to the station, wished me luck, and drove off.  I went on the air – half-smashed, no preparation, and having already been up for close to 24 hours. It was my best show. 

“Oh, by the way”, I told him after we were both seeing mermaids at the IHOP, “I want to use the name Beaver Cleaver on the air.” He was so wasted he didn’t even ask me why. The answer to that is I wanted a name that stood out, was easy to say, and let’s be honest, was dirty.

I got off the air at 6 AM, met the morning man – a surely bitter fellow with a great voice and nothing else. The fact that I was funny, he hated me instantly. The program director arrived, said he was thrilled with how I sounded, and took me to breakfast at the IHOP, where it turns out, those mermaids were just the cleaning crew.

So after a good late morning sleep, the Beaver Cleaver show premiered on WDRQ at 6 that night. Got a call from the PD that I sounded great.

Things were going well and would remain that way… for another eight hours. The program director called me into his office. Apparently there was a problem. The station’s “consultant” had heard me and felt I needed a slight adjustment in my act. He wanted me to scream more. By more he meant every time I opened my mouth. The evening jock should sound super high energy and the way to achieve that (according to this moron) was to have the disc jockey scream. And I had no choice. Either scream or be fired after one day.

So I did and I sounded like a complete idiot. Imagine Sam Kinison introducing Carpenters records. I generally went through a spritz bottle of Chloraseptic every show. No one will ever hear tapes of me on WDRQ, and if you have one I’m going to have to kill you.

I frantically sent out audition tapes, and a few months later was offered a job at KYA, San Francisco. The WDRQ program director thought I was crazy taking that job. If I stuck it out in Detroit for a year I could get to Boston. A year? I’d sound like Kenny Rodgers by then. Plus, what’s wrong with San Francisco?

About a month later I received a letter from the program director. He had forwarded a petition some high school circulated to try to get me back on WDRQ. I still have it of course. It’s my most cherished keepsake from my radio days.

My first time back in Detroit since those days was when I was broadcasting for the Orioles in 1991. I rented a car and thought I’d tool around the old haunts. The neighborhood where WDRQ was located in my day was an absolute war zone. Not that it was ever Park Ave. to begin with, but now the street was littered with graffiti, squalor, and the folks screaming were not introducing Motown records. I haven’t been back since. Although, I must admit, I’m a little curious. Today it’s probably gentrified and gorgeous and all the apartments have been refurbished – now with hardwood floors and the meth labs removed – and it’s the happening place to live in Detroit. Or it’s been razed to the ground.  Either way, there should be a plaque -- to WDRQ, or, as I used to call it on the air -- W-Dreck.

This is a re-post from four and a half years ago.

Chris-Misc.

It’s warmer in New York this Christmas than LA.

I miss Darlene Love singing her Christmas song on LETTERMAN.

Letterman now looks like Santa Claus.

Subway is still open if you’re hungry.

Remember when the Lakers playing on Christmas was a big deal?

Please don’t dress up your pets like Santa or elves and post them on Facebook.

“Don’t shoot your eye out.”

You just don’t get the same great store windows with Amazon.

Live Nativity Scenes give me the creeps.

My bold prediction: STAR WARS tops the boxoffice this weekend.

Today is a really good day to fly.

What’s the worst gift you got today?

Ham retains water. I’m just sayin’.

You realize most of the classic Christmas songs were written by Jewish composers?

My favorite Scrooge is McDuck.

“Say the magic word, say Mission Pack
And it's on its merry way
No gift so bright, so gay, so right
Send a Mission Pack magic way”

Merry Christmas Darling

Here's my all-time favorite Christmas Song.  Sung by the Carpenters.   (I wish you were with us too, Karen.)      

Friday Questions resume after the holidays. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Merry Christmas

By request: Charlie Brown meets MAD MEN

Got a request for a re-post.  Lots of people have requested it, actually.   So in the spirit of the season...

On Monday Andrew asked:

One of my favorite posts of yours is the one on "A Charlie Brown Christmas." First of all, I get the impression that you're not a Christian and don't expect to become one :-). So to read your insights into what made it stand out to you was a real treat.

But the best thing about the post was how everything that made that show wonderful and special - the music, the animation, the children's voices, Linus reading scripture - was opposed by the higher-ups. There's a lesson in there somewhere, and not just related to TV.

So my request: Please repost that post! It will be a delightful Christmas gift to your readers, especially those who've never read it before. 

A holiday tradition is A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS and we pretty much have a Mad Man to thank for it. John Allen was a Don Draper at McCann-Erickson in the mid '60s. On behalf of Coca-Cola he was lobbying for Charlie Brown. It would be the first animated adaptation of Charles M. Schultz’s classic PEANUTS comic strip. But Allen had to really twist arms because in typical fashion, CBS hated it.

They thought the animation was awful, the story too thin and depressing, the jazz score inappropriate for kids, and of course wanted a laugh-track. I'm surprised they didn't require a laugh-track on THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

And CBS was especially opposed to Linus reciting the story of the birth of Christ from the Bible. What the hell is that doing in a Christmas Special?

Oh, and they didn’t like that children were doing the voices of the…uh, children. In other words, all the things that made it distinctive; all the things that made it great. One high-ranking CBS program executive/visionary said it was a “piece of shit”.

And CBS had a lot riding on this. It was going to pre-empt THE MUNSTERS and follow GILLIGAN’S ISLAND. The quality had to be top notch to join that pantheon of excellence.

But John Allen pushed and pushed and finally persuaded the reluctant program chief to air the special. A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS premiered 48 years ago this month.

And got a 50 share.

It won an Emmy and a Peabody and became an instant holiday classic. I guess children doing the voices of children did not result in a viewer revolt.

CBS began running the special every year (taking credit for it of course). And it achieved the almost unheard of feat of getting higher ratings year after year. By 1969 it was scoring a 53 share.

CBS continued to air the special until 2000. ABC then took over. and has aired it ever since.  They'll show it again tomorrow night at 8:00/7:00 Central. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CHARLIE BROWN.

And thanks to John Allen.

A Christmas show that ignores Christmas

It's always a bitch to write the obligatory Christmas episodes. They're just variations on the same four themes. So for ALMOST PERFECT we did a Christmas episode that ignored the holiday. There are Christmas decorations everywhere but they have nothing really to do with the story. Here, for the first time, is that episode. Ho ho ho.

Hawaiian aisles

Maui has been voted the “Best Island in the World” by Conde Nast Travelers Magazine, thus beating out Tahiti, Elba, and Shutter.

So once again Debby and I set out for three weeks in paradise. As is now our tradition, we stayed at the E-Coli Condos in Wailea, joined at times by my son and daughter-in-law (Matt & Kim) and daughter and future son-in-law (Annie & Jon). The weather was gorgeous, the sunsets breathtaking; no “vog”, no rain, and Roseanne was an island away.

Just like Captain Cook, our first stop was to Costco’s. Prices on the islands are ridiculously high. Is it any wonder that the biggest grossing Costco in the world is in Hawaii? Costco is the only reason locals are not trying to secede from the Union.

Shark attacks aren’t enough? Spotted at a beach, a sign that read: WARNING! SHEEP DROP -- PROCEED WITH CAUTION. And now with cloning the threat is so much worse!

Matt & Kim picked up their car at the Maui airport, punched our Maui address in the Hertz NEVER LOST and was told it doesn’t calculate between islands.

I gave a dollar to Santa Claus. It turned out to be Mick Fleetwood.

It’s against the law in Maui to dance and drink at the same time. Not sure the punishment. Maybe a fine and they take away your shoes.

Spent a couple of days at the Grand Wailea Resort. Picture: Disney World without churros. A lot of Nashville songwriters were also on hand. The Grand Ole Opry Wailea.  And as these tunesmiths checked in they were serenaded by this Hawaiian ditty: “My old man is a good old man/ He washes his face in a frying pan.” Game on, Nashville!

Sunrise at the top of the Haleakala Crater is spectacular. Every day hundreds of tourists drive ninety minutes up treacherous winding roads in the dark and brave freezing temperatures to take selfies.

Overheard at Haleakala: She: “ Don’t look directly into the sun.” He: “Then what the fuck are we doing here?”

Overheard at the Grand Wailea pool: Mommy asks her four-year old “Where’s Daddy?” and the tyke says, “Daddy’s at the bar. And Daddy says he’s not coming home until five in the morning.”

Did not rappel down any waterfalls this trip. Why do stuff I do at home?

It is worth the trip to Maui just for sushi at Sansei. And I say that to residents of Japan.

Note to lounge singers at the Four Seasons: You are not Adele. At best you are Jewel.

Every day was more stunningly beautiful than the next. I could live on Maui if they had a major league baseball team. Hey, how about the Hana Rays? Yes, to get to Hana you have to drive on a 52-mile two-lane road with 617 hairpin curves, 56 bridges, and flash flooding could cause closures at any time. But the Rays would still draw way better than they do in Tampa Bay.

There are no strip clubs allowed on Maui. But topless beaches are okay. So the law essentially eliminates tipping. There is also a wine bar that once a week offers “naked stand up comedy.”

Took long walks everyday along the beach (wearing hardhats to avoid falling sheep). Saw some whales so no need to see Ron Howard’s latest movie. At least we had an excuse.

Naked stand up comedy? Seriously? In a state where Spam is consumed in large quantities?

In Los Angeles, health inspectors rate restaurants with letter grades -- A, B, or C(anters). In Maui, where there are maybe 50,000 different geckos, water bugs, and exotic insects, it’s just PASS/FAIL. Who needs to rappel or do a monologue in the nude for thrills when 90% of the local eateries serve pork and raw fish?

Once you get Upcountry you start seeing some bizarre looking folks. It’s like tropical Kentucky.

In the spirit of aloha, the Shops at Wailea now charge for parking. Store sales have plummeted over 40%. Merchants picketed their own mall.

There are maybe six radio stations on Maui. A typical one plays 57 minutes of commercials an hour and a John Mellencamp record.

One of those commercials was for a gun shop inviting you to stock up for shooting deer, pigs, and home invaders.

Reading material: an extensive biography of Frank Sinatra. On every page he’s having someone roughed up, lying to a Grand Jury, or sleeping with his dying best friend’s wife. Meanwhile, Debby was racked with guilt because we parked at a golf course and went to the beach.

It’s always fun to study the local culture. My wife and kids attended a latka-making demonstration at the Four Seasons.

How perfect for a strip mall – a store called “Panties in Paradise.”

Inter-island flights are as high as $129 one-way. Flights take ten minutes. And there are no shuttle boats between islands. Kama’ainas (Hawaiian residents) are screwed. You either fly or ride whales.

I’m missing William Shatner! He’ll be performing his one-man show on the 30th. Wouldn’t it be great if he couldn’t get a hotel room?

Best fish tacos you’ll ever eat are at Coconuts. Two island locations: Maui and Dallas.

And here’s how amazing Mama’s Fish House is: Oprah AND Helen Hunt have eaten there.

Lahaina is a quaint 19th Century whaling village. Many sailing ships would anchor at its waterfront and sailors would stroll Front Street to enjoy its many art galleries and Crazy T-Shirt emporiums. The missus and I spent a day there soaking in the heritage and buying a pound of “Bad Ass Coffee.”

Happily, no one was brained by falling sheep or flattened by raw fish, although Annie was almost run over by a postal truck. As always, a fabulous trip. And when it was over I could still get into my pants!

Flew back on American Airlines’ new Airbus A321. Since Maui’s airport has a shorter runway, for the proper weight distribution, no passengers were allowed to sit in rows 8-11. That’s comforting. So if Tori Spelling sits in row 9 the plane can’t get off the ground? But the good side of the Airbus A321 is that it sounds like a leaf blower taking off and upon landing everything rattles. These may be sleek new planes but to me they’re flying Chevy Corvairs. Hopefully their navigation system wasn’t Hertz NEVER LOST.

But allow me to end on a soothing note and cling to the few remaining drops of “Aloha” I still have left after American Airlines and LAX. Happiest of holidays, and as they say on the islands while browsing Costco: “He kanapapiki mahalo 'ole keia mea inu Merlot ia'u” – This Merlot is an ungrateful bitch.

MIKE & MOLLY -- the ugly stepchild

Fans of MIKE & MOLLY are understandably upset. Apparently CBS has cancelled the show and reduced the number of episodes ordered for its final season. Both are curious moves considering the show is not even on the air at the moment. It’s not like the ratings are abysmal.

But this is not an uncommon practice. There are some shows that networks just don't believe in, just don’t love. And they are forever treated like the ugly stepchild. The only reason they last as long as they do is because, despite the networks’ lack of support, they DO get decent ratings. Damn them for making things confusing!

MIKE & MOLLY has performed reasonably well wherever CBS has put it. And its star, Melissa McCarthy has become a legitimate movie star. You would think for that reason alone CBS would be thrilled. They’ve captured lightening in a bottle.  And yet, in fairness, it’s not like McCarthy’s rise to stardom has kicked MIKE & MOLLY to a new level of popularity. It hasn’t. Neither did THE OFFICE’S ratings suddenly skyrocket when Steve Carell got hot in films.

A big consideration is economics, especially in MIKE & MOLLY’S case. Everyone initially signs a six-year deal. The six years will be up this season. This is when having a movie star as your lead becomes not such a good thing. License fees (how much the network will pay for each episode) are usually determined in advance and then putting together your cast and production crew is like an NBA franchise building a team under the salary cap. Sometimes the costs are just too prohibitive.

And still another factor – MIKE & MOLLY is not owned by CBS. It’s a Warner Brothers show. CBS has nothing to gain longterm by MIKE & MOLLY’S success. So it’s now the ugly stepchild with a foot missing.

I’ve been through this personally having worked on BECKER for the length of its run. For whatever reason, CBS never got behind the show. I don’t know why. It was better than 90% of everything else it had on, featured a major TV star in Ted Danson, always stayed within budget, and got solid ratings in every cannon fodder shit timeslot they dumped it in. Made no difference. Being a Paramount show not a CBS Productions show didn’t help, but BECKER deserved “some” love. CBS would eventually use it as a utility player to fill in the holes whenever their more glossy series tanked. And it always performed. So the thanks it got was being picked up and held back. Sound familiar? RULES OF ENGAGEMENT got the same treatment.

BECKER was picked up for its final season with an order of thirteen and told that would be it. When those thirteen finally aired, long after we had wrapped and everyone was scattered to the wind, the series ended with ratings CBS would KILL for today.

Here’s how little they thought of the show. For our 100th episode, usually a big deal – we were pre-empted.

So MIKE & MOLLY fans, enjoy your remaining episodes. Sorry the show was cancelled. Just know it wasn’t your fault.

Words we use that now make no sense

As a writer I’m always fascinated by slang and common expressions. Dialogue sounds so much more real and colorful when you’re able to tap into the way people really talk. New words enter the popular lexicon all the time. Ten years ago was anyone “texting” much less “sexting”? Or even “tweeting”. Today we have “smart phones”, “flat screens”, “man caves”, “vetting”, “blogs”, and if I’ve missed a few then “my bad”.

Words become over used. Can a waiter or waitress take an order today without saying “Perfect!” twenty times?

“I’ll have an ice tea.” “Perfect!” “Really? ‘Cause it’s not like I’m selecting just the right wine with this entry. It’s fucking ice tea!” “Perfect! Be right up.”

There are probably a dozen other examples but…whatever.

And then there are expressions that have taken on new meanings. “Sampling” used to mean trying a variety of selections. Today in the music world it means stealing someone else's work and justifying it as an homage. You used to be able to say, “I hooked up with my sister the other day” without being accused of incest.

But my focus today is on words and expressions we use in everyday speech that have since outlived their meaning but we still use anyway. Here are a few examples.

“The tube” – a popular synonym for a television. Once upon a time there were tubes in a TV set. No longer. I guess you could call it “the chip” but I don’t see that catching on.

People order additional phone “lines”. In this cellphone world there are no “lines”, everything is wireless.

“Don’t touch that dial”. You’ll hear announcers still say that. At one time you did have a big dial on your radio or TV, which you twisted to change stations. When was the last time you saw one of those that wasn’t in the Smithsonian right next to Abe Lincoln’s log cabin?

Good photo opportunities are still referred to as “Kodak Moments”. Kodak made film for a thousand years. Today we have “Digital Nanoseconds”.

We used to correspond with certain friends in distant locales by getting out the old Bic and writing letters. Today we email, text, or IM but still refer to them as “Pen Pals”.

Recording artists are still coming out with new “records”. That’s what they were in the old days – vinyl platters. You could even argue that CD’s are just an updated technological version. But now music is released on line (again, is there really a “line”?).

So what are other examples? It’s kind of interesting isn’t it, to stop and think once in a while about just what the hell we’re saying?

This is a re-post from four years ago.